Star Trek 9: Insurrection
February 08, 2012
(We open on a conference room at Kami-Con 4, where the Critic runs across the stage screaming in fear. He then runs into another conference room while still screaming at random fans in the audience. He then runs up on stage and sits in a large throne placed in the middle.)
NC: (Calmly) OK. First question. Uh, yeah. (points to someone) Oh, no, yeah, that's a lot of fun. (Dissolve to another scene where the Critic is still talking with the audience facing the camera) And that's the first time I ever did it with a melon. I just want to say, everybody, thank you so much.
(The audience applauds as the Critic stands up, takes a bow, and runs off the stage continuing to scream. He then runs down a hotel corridor where he suddenly stops and looks to the side to find That Sci-Fi Guy looking from his room)
Sci-Fi Guy: Nostalgia Critic?
NC: Sci-Fi Guy.
SFG: What are you doing...?
(The Critic pushes him inside. Cut to both of them on the bed with a terrified Critic covering Sci-Fi Guy's mouth)
NC: It's him.
NC: Lower your voice, Sci-Fi Guy! He can smell geek.
SFG: My god! Linkara. Why, in Star Trek circles, he's known simply as ... Linkara.
NC: Yes. The ultimate Star Trek nerd! He had heard about my Star Trek month! He wants to do a crossover with me on Star Trek: Insurrection, but I won't let him! No, no, no! All his stupid little nitpickiness that nobody cares about is not going to spoil my review and I found the perfect hiding spot. He will never look for me here!
(He starts laughing maniacally with Sci-Fi Guy reluctantly joining in, then they stop and there is awkward silence.)
NC: Funny. I thought something would happen while we were laughing there.
SFG: Yeah, like maybe we got interrupted there...
NC: Yeah, or someone would interrupt our laughing.
SFG: ... So you want some coffee?
NC: That'd be lovely. Thank you, yes.
(Sci-Fi Guy gets up from the bed. Critic then grabs the TV remote and lies down on the bed)
NC: Might as well see what's on the television.
(He turns it on only to find a grim looking Linkara wearing a Star Trek uniform on his spaceship staring disapprovingly at him)
Linkara: Hello, Critic. Start the review.
NC: (sobbing) Last time in the good Star Trek movie.
(Clips from Star Trek: First Contact are shown)
NC (as the 60s Batman announcer): Picard goes through a Borg identity! Obsessed with stopping his old arch-rival even though he's never really been that obsessed before, he follows the Borg back in time to stop man's first contact with the Vulcans! After ripping off Moby Dick 'cause ... that's what Star Trek likes to do, Picard defeats the Borg Queen and Data goes through his I-Want-To-Be-Human bullshit again and First Contact is still made by the farmer from Babe! Will Star Trek continue to score big with audiences?!? I don't care! I get paid either way!
(Cue Star Trek month logo. Then cut to the Critic still in his hotel room)
NC: And now we come to the final film in Star Trek Month: Star Trek: Insurrection, with special guest star, (in a disgusted/fearful voice) Linkara.
Linkara: Hello, adoring fans. I've come all the way here on my spaceship to talk to you about the most HATED of all Star Trek films.
Linkara: That may be the case with other fans, but me personally, this is my least favorite in the entire franchise. So you need me here, or you'll screw this review up like you've done so many times before.
NC: What? When have I ever screwed something up?
Linkara: (Holding up a large stack of papers) In your Battlefield Earth review, you said that the Psychlos have never had an explosion on their planet when that's NOT what they said in the movie. It was that the air they breathed reacted violently to radiation.
NC: My God. You're defending Battlefield Earth?
Linkara: No. I'm pointing out the fact that you never get details right, so we're gonna do this together so it gets done CORRECTLY!
NC: So, let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into...
(Sci-Fi Guy clears his throat off-screen)
SFG: ... Am I in this?
NC: Well, it's kinda just a duo thing.
SFG: But it's my room.
NC: [awkwardly] Yeah...
SFG: ... OK, I guess I'll just go stand silently in the corner.
(He then proceeds to do so)
NC: Star Trek: Insurrection.
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): So we open on the Shire as we see a peaceful alien people called the Baku taking care of their planet.
Linkara (vo): Funny how these people who don't believe in machines have an irrigation system set up for their crops. It's almost as if machines are helpful or something. And on top of that, the original series got away with people who looked exactly like humans because it was a low-budget 60s TV series. This is a multi-million dollar movie! Buy some damn forehead bumps or something.
NC (vo): But we see their Starfleet personnel in invisible suits keeping track of the people in the city.
- If I get any names wrong, I apologize for I have not seen the movie.
Computer: The android. He's out of control.
(Data's head suddenly appears out of thin air as the villagers react with shock, including a little boy who falls over.)
NC: My god. It's Jambi!
NC (as Jambi): Mecca-lecca-die. Mecca-die-you-hoe!
(Data shoots the building making it visible to the villagers)
Linkara (vo): He takes a phaser and reveals the Federation's base, which is remarkably close, isn't it? Wouldn't it make more sense to monitor them in space so that nobody bumps into it?
NC (vo): What? Did they do the construction in invisible suits? They never heard the invisible bulldozers put it together?
Linkara (vo): But heck with that. We have this subplot that goes nowhere.
Riker: Our guests have arrived. They're eating the floral arrangements on the banquet tables.
Beverly: I guess they don't believe in cocktails before dinner.
Troi: Oh, my God, are they vegetarian? That's not in there!
Picard: Perhaps we should have the chef whip up a light balsamic vinaigrette, something that goes well with chrysanthemums.
NC: Wow. That was four lines in a row dedicated to plants.
Linkara: Gives you an idea of the "thrill ride" we're in for in this movie.
Troi: Remember. They have a significantly less advanced technology than ours. They only achieved warp drive last year.
Beverly: And the Federation Council decided to make them a Protectorate already?
Picard: In view of our losses to the dominion and the council feels we need all the allies we can get these days.
Linkara: Remember this. I'll have a tangent on it later.
NC: What? He said the word dominion wrong or something?
Linkara: Yes, but that's besides the point. We'll get to it later.
Picard: Mr. Worf.
Picard: What the hell are you doing here?
Worf: I was at the Manzar colony when-
Riker: He's a little late, Geordi. Can it wait?
Geordi: (offscreen) I don't think so.
NC (as Picard): It doesn't matter. You're here. We'll cast you.
Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise.
Regent Cuzar: Captain Picard. May I welcome you in a time-honored tradition of my people.
Linkara (vo): So he meets up with the Oompla-Loompa queen as she partakes in the tradition of making bald men look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
Picard: But Data should've been back by now. They were only scheduled to observe the Baku for only one week.
NC (vo): But Picard-ahontas...
Linkara (vo): I would've gone with Jean-Luc-ajewea.
NC (vo): OK. That's pretty good ... is told about Data and has to go figure out what's wrong.
Picard: Geordi. Would you set up a security com-link with the admiral in the anteroom.
Random blue alien: Uh, captain? Hars Adislo. We met at the Nel Bato Conference last year. Did you ever have a chance to read my paper on thermionic transconductance?
Picard: Would you excuse me?
NC: Who was that guy?
Linkara: I don't know.
NC: Well, you've seen all the shows. Has he ever popped up?
Linkara: Not that I'm aware of.
NC: Well, maybe he explain it in his next scene.
Linkara: He doesn't have a next scene.
NC: You mean. He just completely...
[The clip of the Bolian replays with mysterious music from Titanic, while the Critic goes into close-up with a pondering look on his face]
NC: Who were you, blue man?
(Back to the movie)
Dougherty: Commander Data attacked us in a mission scout ship yesterday. I know what Data means to Starfleet, Jean Luc, but our proves of mercy are with the people on the planet.
Picard: If our first attempt to capture Data fails ... I will terminate him.
NC (vo): At least give us one more movie before we kill him.
Dougherty: All right.
(A small ship leaves with Picard watching)
Picard: Come out. Come out. Wherever you are.
Picard: It's something my mother used to...
(They are suddenly attacked)
Linkara (vo): Well, that was a thrilling backstory.
NC (vo): Yeah. I wonder what other character insights we're gonna glance over.
NC (as Picard): You know, this reminds me of when I was a little girl in Alask...What was that?
Picard: Seeing how he responds to threats. I wonder how he would respond...
NC (vo): So in a maneuver that I don't really understand, they figure out that singing to him will somehow break his programming.
Picard: (singing) A British tar is a soaring soul. [...] His nose should pant.
Data: (singing) And his lip should curl.
Picard: His cheeks should flame.
Data: And his brow should furl.
Picard, Data, and Worf: (singing) His nose should pant and his lip should curl.
NC: OK, has Star Trek just become a musical? Between Row, Row, Row Your Boat; Lifeforms, and this, I've heard less singing on Sesame Street. I mean, what Star Trek fan would actually enjoy this?
Linkara: (singing) His eyes should flash with an inborn fire. His brow with scorn be wrung.
(He stops when NC starts looking at him)
Linkara: I love the classics.
NC (vo): So the singing surprisingly does work as they beam down where they see the Baku playing a friendly game of CG ball.
Picard: We were under the impression they were being held against their will.
Sojef: The artificial lifeform is not allowed to leave.
Picard: Apparently, he was taken ill.
Tournel: There was a phase variance in his positronic matrix which we were unable to repair.
Anij (Donna Murphy): I think the captain finds it hard to believe we'd have any skills repairing a positronic device.
Linkara: Well, yeah, since you clearly explained that you don't use technology.
Sojef: Our technological abilities are not apparent since we chose not to employ them in our daily lives. We believe that when you create a machine to do the work of a man, you take something away from the man.
NC: THEN HOW CAN YOU KNOW THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY!?!
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. I understand studying technology, but how can you keep up with the latest technology on a planet forbidding technology withOUT any goddamn technology?
NC: Shut up!
Anij: But at one time, we explored the galaxy just to see you do.
Picard: You have warp capability.
Anij: Capability. Yes. But where can warp drive take us except away from here?
NC (vo): Yeah, I guess if Star Trek has taught us anything, it's that space is pretty boring.
Linkara (vo): I'm sorry, but I'm not behind this, at least not in the way that these pompous jerks are flaunting it. First of all, you HAVE machines. We saw your irrigation line, you idiots, and those clothes look pretty damn-well tailored for people who don't have the ability to manufacture them properly. Second, this movie builds this place up as paradise, as Eden or Perfection, however their philosophy is the complete opposite of what Star Trek stands for. Star Trek in the end is about how advanced technology has done us so much good. It allows us to do so many great things and that the future is a bright one partially because we want for nothing. THIS movie, however, tells us that we need to get back to nature and be smug hippie-jackasses who reject technology and machines in favor of being so INBRED that we don't believe in any other colors for our clothes except brown.
NC: Yikes, Linkara.
Linkara: I'm sorry, but I really hate these people! They piss me off!
NC: What, do you hate Amish people, too?
Linkara: No, they hate me. But at least the Amish have religious reasons for rejecting technology. These guys are just dumb.
Linkara (vo): We see them using tools and in the end, what is technology but advanced tools?
NC: Well, on the bright side, at least we don't have to deal with them that often.
Linkara: They're the focus of the movie!
NC (vo): But the atmosphere of the planet starts to play with the molecular structure which makes everyone get all ... for lack of a better word: pubertish. Worf grows a pimple. Picard gets all energetic, and half the crew act like horny kids.
Troi: I never kissed you with a beard before.
Linkara: Ahem (presses a remote control)
(Cut to clips from the show of Troi kissing a bearded Riker)
NC: What was that?
Linkara: That was a clip from the show.
NC: Oh, god. Don't tell me.
Linkara: Yes. I have every episode of Star Trek in my ship's databanks. I intend to use them throughout this review whenever the continuity seems off. Come to think of it, we could've used some a few scenes ago. You want me to go back? (NC screams into a pillow) I'll take that as a "no."
Geordi: All I know is that he was functioning normally until he was shot. Then his fail-safe system was activated.
Picard: His fail-safe?
Geordi: His ethical and moral routines took over all of his functions.
Picard: What you're saying is that he still knew the difference between right and wrong.
Geordi: In a sense, that's all he needed.
NC (vo): Yes, because the ethical battles of right and wrong are now easily programmable facts in the future.
NC: Hey, Data. Which of these is ethically sound?: abortion, stem-cell research, death penalties.
(Data's head explodes)
NC: That's what I thought.
Linkara (vo): But they get Data back to normal and he takes them to the last place he remembers before his programming went wacky.
Data: I believe I know what is causing the Notrino admission.
(A crank for a dam. ... That's right!)
Linkara (vo): Yep, no machines except for this giant machine looking thing here to drain the lake but that's as common as a garden hoe, isn't it? Oh, and did I mention they have a dam, too? That's right, a dam, as in these are some damn big hypocrites!
NC (vo): They discover an invisible ship with a holodeck replica of their town in it.
Linkara (vo): Another thing that they could have just worked on in space.
NC (vo): But some bad guys show up and start to attack.
(Anij falls into the water and a battle ensues)
NC (vo): You know, for as exciting as this all is, I honestly keep thinking back to what ever happened to that blue guy? What were his theories of thermionic transconductance?
Linkara (vo): Much more thought provoking questions than the rest of this movie is asking.
Anij: Help. I can't swim.
NC: ... You kidding me?
NC (vo): Is water technology now? Are you resisting the shackles of H2O? And on top of that, it turns that she's had plenty of time to learn how to swim. We discover that several of the adults there are over three hundred years old. That's what the metaphasic radiation of the planet does.
Linkara (vo): Yeah, what the hell is her excuse?
Picard: In 300 years, you never learned to swim?
Anij: I just haven't got around to it yet.
Linkara: You are stupid!!
NC (vo): So, basically, the Federation wants to use the planet as a means to find cures and other medical miracles. Sounds good. So, what, have they talked to these people about working together or...?
Linkara (vo): Nope. They just plan to beam them off the planet when they're asleep.
NC (vo): Odd. Well, I'm sure now that they know the Baku are willing to help others by letting them study the planet.
Linkara (vo): Nope. They see it as their home. They hate technology. We have technology. Therefore they hate us.
NC (vo): OK. ... Well, I guess that's legit seeing how it's their planet...
Linkara (vo): It's not.
NC: The fuck you talking about?!
Linkara (vo): Yeah, technically the planet is under Federation control and they say that they came there 300 years ago from their own home planet, so they don't own squat.
NC: Well, then why the hell don't they just kick these greedy cure-for-death holders out, then?
Linkara: So Picard can make speeches like this:
Picard: Some of the darkest chapters in the history of my world involve the forced relocation of a small group of people. Just as cultures have been destroyed in every other forced relocation throughout history.
Linkara: OH, REALLY!?!
(Presses his TV remote again)
Linkara (vo): Is that why you participated in at least two forced relocations? And guess what? One of them was a group of Indians, and he was going to do the exact same plan as they're doing here.
Indian: Do you know how long we have searched for a home?
Picard: I believe that I can help you to find a new home.
Linkara (vo): But hey, these are white people and not Native Americans, so it's totally different, I guess.
NC (vo): Yeah, that's true. There's a group of stretchy-faced people that are looking to harness the planet's power because they're dying. If these selfish jerks are like "if you use an electric razor, you deserve to croak."
Dougherty: We're only moving 600 people.
Picard: How many people does it take, Admiral, before it becomes wrong?
NC: Six hundred and one, obviously.
Dougherty: We'll be able to use regenerative properties this radiation to help billions.
Linkara: And I'm sorry, but I got to reference my clips again.
(Critic starts to scream in agony in his room during Linkara's narration)
Linkara (vo): This is what I was referring to before. At the same time this movie came out, the series Deep Space Nine was on and during that series, the Federation was at war with a powerful enemy called the Dominion and the FEDERATION WAS LOSING ... Badly! And according to their projections, if the Federation loses, 800 billion people will DIE.
Linkara: And I'm sorry, but doesn't Star Trek have a particular clip for this kind of thing?
(Cut to Spock's death scene from Star Trek II)
Spock: The needs of the many ... out-weigh...
Kirk: ...the needs of the few.
Linkara: I'm sorry, but I'm completely on the side of the bad guys here. ... Critic?
(The Critic looks beaten with a trash bin on his head)
(Mental Break aka Commercial Break)
(The Critic still looks bad. Linkara wakes him up by shaking his room)
NC: Huh? What?
Linkara: I'm done.
NC: The movie's over?
NC: Screw you, then. (Puts the trash bin over his head)
NC (vo): OK, so Picard decides to go down alone.
Linkara (vo): If he's going down alone, why does he have all those guns? He can't carry them all and the Baku have clearly said they won't use any weapons.
NC (vo): Well, because he knows his crew is gonna throw the same bullshit that every Star Trek crew throws.
NC (as Picard): I don't want you to come.
NC (as Geordi): We're coming.
NC (as Picard): OK.
NC (vo): Oh, and don't forget the totally out of nowhere trailer line from Data.
Data: Saddle up. Lock and load!
Ash from Evil Dead: Yeah, baby!
NC (vo): So they're leading the people away from the town. ... Wait, isn't that what the bad guys wanted, anyway? Kinda doing them a favor, aren't you.
Linkara (vo): I'm just wondering where the sun is in their solar system. We never saw it in any of the space shots.
NC (vo): But then the villains come in to hit them with darts and force them to get beamed out. Why don't you just beam them out regularly?
Linkara (vo): But they get away... I guess. They just kinda cut off screen and they're somewhere else. ...as Data tries to comfort the boy who just lost his father.
Artim: Do machines ever play?
Data: Yes. I play the violin.
Artim: Look, if you want to know what it's like to be child, you need to learn to play.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, he sounds traumatized.
Linkara (vo): You know, everybody treats grief differently. Some choose to accept it by ... not realizing they have it at all.
NC (vo): We also see Picard and ... boring woman who won't be in any future movies so it doesn't matter, start to hit it off.
Picard: I should warn you. I've always been attracted to older women.
(Everything suddenly slows down. Anij then blows on a flower that slowly blows away)
Picard: How are you doing this?
Anij: No more questions.
Linkara: (vo): Uh, YEAH, QUESTIONS! LOTS OF QUESTIONS!
NC (vo): Yeah, this is science fiction. At least some questions have to be answered. ... Nothing? Nothing at all? Okay, she's a wizard. Anyway, we see more Megaman robots catch up with them and they try hiding in a cave.
NC (as the villagers): Thanks for saving us with your technology. By the way, we hate technology.
Linkara (vo): While that's going on, the bad guys are attacking the Enterprise while Riker tries to escape them.
NC (vo): You ever notice a pattern in these movies? Picard leaves the ship and Riker always destroys it.
Riker: Computer. Access manual steering column. Transfer helm controls to manual.
Linkara (vo): A joystick. Riker is piloting the ship with a joystick. This has just become a half-assed Wing Commander game, folks.
NC (vo): Now let's be fair. A real video game version of this movie would be far worse.
(Cut to a screenshot of Star Trek: The Next Generation - A Final Unity with a MIDI version of the theme song playing)
NC (as Picard): Do you think the moving of 600 people to save 800 billion people is ethically sound? ... You have selected "yes." You are, of course, wrong. Game Over.
NC (vo): But they then get stuck in a cave and a bunch of rocks fall on top of that boring lady.
Linkara (vo): Picard then says dialogue that not even Rick Astley would put in any of his love songs.
Picard: Stay with me. ... Help me find the power to keep you in this moment. Stay with me. Don't let go of this moment.
NC: (Singing to the tune of "Never Gonna Give You Up") Stay with me. Don't let go of this moment.
Linkara (vo): But then something remarkable happens, I guess. She slows down the moment so that the others can arrive in time.
NC (vo): Oh, I thought she was going to have an emotion.
Linkara (vo): I said remarkable, not a miracle.
Beverly: She's stabilizing.
NC (vo, with woman voice): Oh, thanks for saving me with your medical technology. By the way, I hate technology.
(Another battle ensues)
NC (vo): I'm sorry. I'm still wondering what happened to that blue guy. Were they important theories? Will they change the dynamics of anything?
Linkara (vo): So in a twist, or at least I think that's what they're calling it, it turns out that the dying race called the Sona are the exact same race as the Baku. They just left the planet so they didn't have the healing powers that the Baku had.
NC (vo): So as you can see, the ethical standpoint of this movie is SO weak that they had to make up OTHER reasons to hate the bad guy.
Linkara (vo): But you can also tell he's the bad guy by the fact that he looks like Salieri's skin melting.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, I forgot. That's F. Murray Abraham, isn't it?
Linkara (vo): It's OK, I think even he forgot he was F. Murray Abraham in this picture.
Gola: Moving them is one thing. Killing them all.
Ru'Afo: No one hated them more than you, Gola.
NC (vo): So it's a little confusing but pretty much everyone keeps ship-hopping and they fool the Sona by beaming them onto a holodeck which is programmed to look like the bridge of their ship.
Linkara (vo): They just happen to have that program in there?
NC (vo): No more questions, Linkara!
Computer: Unable to comply. Ejecter Assembly 1 has been deactivated.
Linkara (vo): He screams like a baby elephant and he goes over to the collector device for the rings, then Picard beams over there and they have a really crappy action scene. Blah, blah, blah.
Picard: You're really gonna risk igniting the exhaust? ... All right, I will.
NC (vo): Most Useless Villain Ever!
(The ship flies away, Picard beams out, and Ru'Afo is burned alive)
Linkara (vo): So Picard is beamed up, the ship is destroyed, and we got our one funny line in the movie.
Worf: The Sona crew would like to negotiate a cease-fire. It may have something to do with the fact that we have three minutes of air left.
NC: So bored by the rest of this, I can't even bring myself to laugh at that.
Linkara (vo): We also see that Data has discovered "playing". Seven years of character development on a TV show and three movies, and it all comes down to PLAYING!
Artim: Don't forget. You have to have a little fun every day.
Linkara (vo): Start by not watching this movie.
(The crew beams out and the Enterprise flies off to adventure once more ending the movie)
NC: Linkara, I'm not going to lie. I do think that's the worst one.
Linkara: You see?
(Clips from the movie are shown as the closing thoughts are being said)
NC (vo): Even if you took out the ethical discussions, the film as a whole is just a bore. The acting is dull, the effects are dull. It's paced more like a really lame episode than it is a feature film. It just feels like nothing was accomplished. And even the worst Star Trek movies left me with something, at least one or two interesting moments, but this is totally forgettable and has nothing backing it. And in a way, for a Star Trek movie, you can argue that that is the worst crime you can ever commit.
Linkara: Oh, wait, wait, wait. We still have all the problems of Nemesis to go through, and I'm not just talking continuity errors here.
NC: Oh, God, Linkara. Have you no heart?
SFG: Why don't you turn off the TV?
NC: Oh, yeah.
Linkara: What the fu--
(Linkara is then cut off)
NC: All right, Sci-Fi Guy, you've been there long enough. I think you've learned your lesson.
SFG: What lesson? I didn't do anything.
NC: You want to go back in the corner?
NC: Well, thanks, everybody, for joining me for Star Trek Month. I hope you enjoyed it and...
(The text "Do Nemesis" appears with a booing crowd in the background)
NC: All right. All right. I'll quickly go over Star Trek: Nemesis.
(Clips from Star Trek: Nemesis are shown)
NC (vo): This is the film that everyone says is the other bad Trek film, but to be fair, I don't think it's that bad. It's got some annoying scenes and way too much action, but the whole idea of nature literally versus nurture, I thought was kinda fascinating. I liked the idea that Picard had to battle his younger self and that in a different environment, maybe he could have been something entirely different. And the relationship between the two, I think, in many respects, is actually kinda heartbreaking. To me, that's the glue that held the movie together. Is it good? Technically on a storytelling level, probably not, but I have to admit, I enjoyed watching it for the most part, but, yeah, I'll admit, as an ending to the Next Generation franchise, it probably wasn't all that it could be.
NC: I mean, it could've been a hell of a lot worse. It could've been Star Trek: Insurrection!
SFG: Well, I think-
NC: GO TO THE CORNER!!!
Anij: No more questions.