Star Wars Holiday Special
December 22nd, 2009
Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it-
NC suddenly rises from his chair and starts running out of the house as though someone is chasing after him. He falls down in his doorsteps and pants.
NC: I can't escape it, can't I? I have to go through with it, don't I?
NC: All right, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Footage of Star Wars Holiday Special
NC (voiceover): The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas Special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it; no. They actually got whole freaking cast: Harrison Ford; Carrie Fisher; James Earl Jones. And not only that, it has guest stars! Like Art Carney, Harney Korman and Bea Arthur. Because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think Bea Arthur. This special has never reaired to this date and George Lucas has apparantly gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it.
NC: So just to recap, this is the guy who said this (Jar Jar Binks) is OK and this (Howard The Duck) is OK, which means that this (Star wars holiday special) is the project that he was personally ashamed of. Let me go over that again. OK (Jar Jar Binks), OK (Howard The Duck), personally ashamed of (Star Wars holiday special).
NC: There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But spirit of Christmas, I feel like owe it to you to give the audience a gift to review this... hainus special!
A few moments of silence.
NC (voiceover): So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting off the stock footage from the first movie, as they try to make playful banter.
Han Solo: I'll get you back there in time pal, trust me.
Han Solo: That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!
NC: Life what?
Han Solo: You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it!
NC: Life Day? What the hell is Life Day?
NC (voiceover): Yeah, perhaps I should have rephrase the title a little bit. If not really a Christmas special, as much as it is actually a Holiday Special. Christmas is not even mentioned. Instead, we get a Wookie holiday known as Life Day. A holiday probably invented by Jawa advertisers to make more money.
NC (voiceover): We then cut to a beautiful matte painting where Chewbacca's family lives.
A small child Wookie appears.
NC: Why who's that cute little hunk of armpit hair? I am guessing it's Chewbacca's son. But it's sort of hard to tell, considering that they never speak English!
Scenes of Wookies in their house and roaring sounds they make continues.
NC (voiceover): Oh my god. We'll gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you thought Chewbacca's roar annoying at that times, try the fucking choir of it!
Roaring sounds of Wookies continues although we cut to NC.
NC: Well, I do believe that, yeah. My ears are bleeding. Thank you. My ears are bleeding. Five minutes in, ears bleeding. Thank you.
NC (voiceover): How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS?! It's bad enough we have to listen to their belch their lives, but we can't even understand what they are saying! A subtitle presumablely made by NC appears in the bottom of the screen.
Wookie #1: Junior! Come over here and eat your yak testicles!
Wookie #2: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted!
Wookie #1: You were adopted! You're just a Sand Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination!
NC (voiceover): Seriously, it's like watching a Wookie Reality Show! Where's the lasers? Where are the star ships? Is the hairball equivalent of Norman Rockwell the only thing we are gonna get?
Two Wookies wals toward a table.
NC (voiceover): What do you think the script for this look like? Do you think it actually explains anymore of what's going on?
NC: Believe it or not, I actually have the copy of the screenplay right here! Let's see what it says.
We see NC reading a random page of the script. On the script we can see the following, and this goes on for the rest of the page.
Wookie #1: Roar!
Wookie #2: Roar!
Wookie #1: Roar!
Wookie #2: Roar!
Bea Arthur Striptease
Wookie #1: Roar!
NC closes the script
NC: DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
Small colorful hologram figures appear and dance on the table while Wookies watch them.
NC (voiceover): OK, what's this? All right, we're halfway there, special. You're in fact doing something. But how about something that actually makes sense? Whoa! Who's doing the 69 assualt there?
The dancing parade of the figures on the table goes on.
NC (voiceover, sighing): I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels. Dancing of the figures ends.
NC (voiceover): If you are following the story OK, and trust me, I know you are, we learn that they have to contact Luke Skywalker to find out what's keeping Chewbacca so long
Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there, yet. Is That it?
NC: Woah, when did Luke Skywalker suddenly turned into a Ken doll?
NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! He looks like a store manikin. What, the twelve year old tomboy look was just in at the time?
Luke Skywalker: He has left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're overdue!
NC (voiceover, mimicking Luke Skywalker): Wow, that just perms my hair!
Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't worry. Chewie's not gonna want to come to a house with long faces, is he? C'mon, Malla. let's see a little smile.
NC frowns in disgust.
Luke Skywalker: Come on!. That's better
NC: OK. Wookies' smiling should be outlawed.
NC (voiceover): So one of the Wookies, I guess, turns on a cooking show where we see... Oh my god!
A very weird looking Cooking show woman: Wonderful! Just adds that touch of frequency.
NC: Harvey Korman, no!
NC (voiceover): Who the hell designed that thing? He looks like a mix between Cinderella's stepmother and that robot maid from the Jetsons!
Cooking show woman: So whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir! Whip, stir, whip stir, whip, whip whip stir!
NC's head rotates as he sees the cooking show woman repeating "Whip, stir" over and over again.
Cooking Show Woman: Let's try again. Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir!
Cooking Show Woman's "Whip, stir!" continues for a long time as NC becomes more hysterical and is unable to take this any longer.
Cooking Show Woman: Whip, stir! Whip, stir! Whip, whip whip, stir! WOW!
NC: ENOUGH! God damn, enough! What the fuck?! HOW is this an entertainment? For what age it was intended? Ages from dead to 1?
We cut to the scene of Han Solo and Chewbacca in the middle of the battle.
NC (voiceover): No! Please! Go back to the cooking! I don't want to see all these Sci-Fi action! I want to see how the fucking dinner turns out!
Han Solo: You can say that again. One life day we won't soon forget.
NC (voiceover): Have you ever noticed that they actually do not acknowledge what the life day is? I mean, I guess it's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history? How long has it been around? It is much about holiday special, but you don't explain the god damn holiday!
NC (voiceover): Oh good! We're back to the Wookies. that was about, what, 20 seconds of Harrison Ford you just saw there? You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking dog anuses all day. Yeah, the dialog is still riveting.
NC (voiceover): Why, if it isn't Art Carney! And, yes. I double checked and I really know it's really him. I guess he is helping the rebels and their battle against the Empire. And Chewy's family are the friends of the resistance.
Art Carney: Why all the long hairy faces? I made it through the Imperial petrol, didn't I?
Little Wookie (voiced by NC, impersonating Gary Coleman): Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Carney?
Art Carney: And now for the lovely lady!
NC (voiceover): That was the lady the whole time?
Art Carney: Happy Life Day!
Art Carney (To grandpa Wookie): I'll insert this proton pack.. I thought you might like this. one of those that... it's a real.. kind of hard to explain, it's a, uh... WOW.
NC: World of Warcraft?
NC (voiceover): So I think the grandpa Wookie enters the matrix or something as we see him enter some kind of machine as he watches.. Wookie sperm. Yeah. That sounds about right.
A woman with a revealing outfit appears in the machine and talks in a whispering and soothing tone that echos everytime.
Woman: I exist for you, I am in your mind, as you create me. Ooooh yes! Oh, ooooooh, we are excited, aren't we?
NC seems perplexed and disgusted. Grandpa Wookie roars.
Woman: Relax. Just relax. Now, we can have a good time, aren't we.
NC: Is... this a traditional lifeday past time?
Woman: I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me...
NC: This is wrong. This is.. a holocaust of wrong.
Woman: I am your pleasure. So enjoy me...
NC: I know you like it shaved. This is what the Wookie looks like without all our fur!
Grandpa Wookie roars.
NC (voiceover): Oh, why can't we see grandpas hands?
Woman: This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity.
NC (voiceover): What is up with this special? First of all, would you ever look at this and say 'Oh, yeah! Star Wars! I can tell right away!'? Hell! Could you even connect it to a holiday special? Second, are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean you got Jabba putting Leia in that slave outfit and now we got a Wookie jerking off to this chick! How many inner species that love nets are there?
We cut to the scene of Leia and C3PO investigating something in a poorly made set.
NC (voiceover): Oh, good! Because this special wasn't gay enough already.
Leia (To Wookie family via contacting device): Could you do me a favor and send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen please?
Lady Wookie roars.
C3PO: She says that she would like to grant your request, but it is quite unable to do so.
Leia: You mean they haven't arrived yet?
The Wookie roars.
C3PO: She says there has been no contact.
NC (voiceover): You know, I never figured out how the stupid translation in this world work. How come the Wookie can understand the English that Leia is speaking but can't manage to speak in herself. Is it because her lips can't make O sounds?
Leia: The Imperial petrol must be giving them more trouble than we bargained for.
NC (voiceover, mimicking Leia): Good thing I am the leader of the club made for you and me.
Leia: Malla, are you alone?
The Wookie roars.
NC (voiceover): But all might be okay. They hear a ship landing outside and asume must be Chewbacca.
But several stormtroopers and Empirial patrols enter the house and corner the Wookies.
Nelson (from the Simpsons): Ha ha!
NC (voiceover, mimicking German accent): I hear you've been hiding Jewish Ewoks!
NC (voiceover): So the Imperials drops in because they suspect the Wookies for wrong doing.
Art Carney (To Imperials) : Wookiee food isn't the greatest, but I'm sure I can whip you up something in the kitchen so that we can all eat. You don't mind, do you Malla?
Art Carney (in a very fast manner): Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me!
Art Carney: Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me!
NC: Isn't that Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas to you?
NC (voiceover): So Carney tries to distract the Stormtroopers by playing, get this: A music video.
"Light the Sky on Fire", performed by Jefferson Starship is played.
NC (voiceover): Wow! They don't have holidays celebrating Jesus in this galgaxies far far away, but they sure do have Jefferson Starship singing love song into a dildo.
Song continues to go on.
NC (voiceover): God! It's like the special got bored of itself so it decided to change the channel to VH1.!
The music video finally ends and we cut to the Wookies, Art Carney and Imperial patrol but none of them ever talks about what just happend.
NC seems tired when <Big Lipped Alligator Moment> is about to appear.
NC: Don't, don't used that. If we point them all out, we'll gonna be here them all night.
NC (voiceover): So after...(sighs) 6 minutes of nothing but that song, we fianlly get to see the action packed, laser shooting Sci-Fi adventure with our main heroes... In cartoon form. God! I would punch this special in the nads if I could.
Leia: Luke, take R2 with you.
NC (voiceover): It's not even a good cartoon either, it's like a Dragon's Lair cartoon.
Luke: Falcon, come in, Facon. It's Chewy! But where's Han?
NC: And where are his nostrils for that matter?
Leia: Whatever they're he's there must be a reason!
Man: These are in collision course. They're in mortal danger...
NC: Actually, it is me or the animation is done by the same numbnuts who did the horrible Zelda CD games?
A part from Zelda CD game is shown.
Man: These are the faces of EVIL!
Luke lands on a planet and comes out of his ship, while we can see a giant monster coming behind him.
C3PO: What are you going, sir?
Luke: To see if I can locate the Falcon by visual sighting. Maybe it's close by.
NC: Oh, no! We landed in bedrock!
NC (voiceover): The only thing that people really seem to remember about this cartoon is that Boba Fett, some character who got a ton of popularity for some reason, actually made his first apearence here.
Boba Fett appears and defeats the monster.
Boba Fett: It will be easy to find the ship you seek. Follow me, friend.
NC (voiceover): But who cares? Everyone else looks like McDonalds character, so it's not like his coolness factor's going to save anything!
C3PO: I am afraid, sir, because you said Boba is a friend, and...
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, why does C3PO blink? What's the purpose?
C3PO and R2D2 see the conversation between Darth Vader and Boba Fett on screen.
Darth Vader (on screen): I want them alive. Now that you've got their trust - maybe they will take you to their new base. I see why they call you the best bounty hunter in the galaxy.
NC: And that was one, two, three lines we got out of James Earl Jones and nothing else. Real nice. Can't even keep the villain in the recording studio for four fucking minutes!
We see animated version of Chewy and Han Solo.
NC: Argh! Why does Solo look like Richard Gere's crinkled up caricature?
C3PO: Chewbacca said there was all along something bad about Boba!
Luke Skywalker: How did you know, Chewy?
C3PO: Because he didn't smell right.
Everyone including Luke Skywalker, Han Solo laughs.
NC (voiceover): Ha ha ha ha ha! Not funny!
Darth Vader: May the Force be with you.
The cartoon ends and we see little Wookie clapping.
NC (voiceover): Oh, please! Don't go back to the plot now! There must be something else you can watch or put on to waste our time!
Little Wookie turns on a digital instruction manual. Thus we see another time killing video.
Woman: This instruction cassette provided by the manufacturer.
NC bangs his head on his table.
Woman: This product was packed under strict...
NC (voiceover): An instruction manual. They are actually showing us an instruction video. Are you fucking real?!
NC (voiceover): Was the Carol Burnett show just cancelled at this time? Harvey Korman is in this like five separate scenes and none of them funny!
Harvey Korman: Now, let's get started, shall we?
NC (voiceover): SO if you thought this special couldn't possibly get anymore boring, Harvey Korman, pretending to be a robot, I guess, demonstrates how to put together a transmitter. And, yes. They show you every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!!
Harvey Korman: Thank you, for selecting our brand of mini transmitter. If you assemble it properly, following the instructions that I am about to give you,
NC, with his chin resting on his hand, watches the instruction with boredom.
Harvey Korman: It will provide many years of fun. First, find the unsealed package containing all tool you need.
NC watches the instruction with anger and boredom.
Harvey Korman (voiceover): It looks like this.
NC: Why is this interesting?
Harvey Korman: Try not to rip it open, because it makes a very handy storage case for your tools until you need then again.
NC: How is this entertaining?
Harvey Korman: This is the first thing you'll need. Please be careful not to hurt yourself on the sharp edges. Ouch.
NC: My god. I actually getting stupider while I am watching it!
Harvey Korman: Find the circuit breaker module...
NC: Here goes my college education!
Harvey Korman: Let's start calling these parts by their proper names...
NC: There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals!
Harvey Korman: Every one of this ten thousand terminals are your circuit breaker module, and it is marked in particular color...
NC: There went my name! Don't remember anymore.
Harvey Korman: These must be connected to the wires with corresponding colors...
NC: There went the ability to control my bowels.
Said bowels can be heard soiling his pants.
NC: I am stupid now. I don't even care.
Harvey Korman: We'd better turn our attention to the assembly of the impulse devoice translator.
NC (voiceover): Is there a video telling you how to make a god damn Christmas special? Because that's the one you god damn need!
Harvey Korman malfunctions and the instruction video ends.
NC (voiceover): So finally after that long drawn out horseshit is over, what do they cut to next?
Imperial patrol are watching a video.
Announcer on a screen: Time now for Life On Tatooine.
NC (voiceover): GOOD GOD!! JUST STICK TO THE FUCKING STORY!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ADD??!!
NC: WHAT, WERE THERE OTHER SCRIPTS THAT JUST GOT MIXED UP WITH THIS ONE?!! JUST STICK TO ONE FUCKING PREMISE SO THAT WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH!!! GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!
NC (voiceover): So now we cut to Tatooine life! Because the Wookie life was so fucking engaging that we needed another one to butt in.
We cut to the Kantina of Tatooine.
A customer: Hello, Agne(?).
He gives Bartender flowers.
Bartender: OK. You do it your way. Hello. Now I will do it my way. What'll it be?
NC: Wow, those two guys sound really alike!
NC (voiceover): Actually that's Bea Arthur as the bartender. And the guy is, here's the shocker: Harvey Korman! Haven't seen him in the past five minutes of torture!
Bartender: If you're saying what I think you're saying you felt you meant that I thought needed to hear then I just have one thing to say, I did not.
NC (voiceover): Now actually, to Bea Arthur's credit. She seems to be like the only one who is actually trying in this whole damn thing. I mean she is just the role of bartender but I am actually a million times more interested in what happens in this stupid bar than I am in the rest of the universe.
Bartender: Gentlemen, I guess you didn't hear what I said. The Empire has closed us down! Alright. We'll have one more round. This ones on the house.
NC: Oh, that's weird. This whole intergalactic empire is concerned with just closing down this bar? I mean, don't they have more important things to do?
We cut to the scene of Darth Vader meeting empire in Return Of The Jedi. Instead, the dialog is dubbed by Rob Walker.
Empire: You've done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense we must focus all of our Forces to crush this tiny Cantina on Tatooine.
Darth Vader: What about the reports of Rebel fleet massing near Sulust?
Empire: It is of no concern. Soon the Cantina will be crushed and Bea Arthur should be one of us!
Darth Vader and Empire walk in silence for a few seconds.
Darth Vader: Why do we need Bea Arthur...
NC (voiceover): So she has to get everyone out of the bar, and if you can believe it, actually has a musical number.
Bartender: This is not the end, friends! If you're a friend, friend.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, isn't that Greedo? Huh! I guess he did shoot first.
Bartender: Try stopping by friends, if there's a light in the place!
NC (voiceover): Actually, and I hate to say this, but this song sequence actually isn't that bad. Maybe it's because everything else is so horrible by comparison. But I actually feel really sad that her bar is closing. She's the only character that I kind of like in all this, and maybe the idea of closing bar that can supply me alcohol during all of this makes me kind of emotional.
Bartender: You know I'm here, friend. Is that a tear, friend? In your eye?
NC (voiceover): In fact, you know what? This whole special should have been about her! Yes! This special would have been better if it was focused on Bea Arthur, as a singing bartender in a Cantina, on Tatooine! That's how low we got, people! That't how low we've gotten.
Bea Arthur closes the bar and looks around the empty Cantina. NC wipes his tears.
NC: I'm sorry Bea. I liked your place. It was a nice looking place.
As Bea approaches her usual bartender position, Harvey Kormen pops out and gives her flowers.
Suddenly, out of nowhere a roaring face of a Wookie pops on the screen. NC is startled.
NC: God damn it! Fucking Wookies, I hope you get stuck in a drain pipe!
NC (voiceover): But both Chewbacca and Han Solo finally come in to try save the day.
Han Solo takes the gun from one of the stormtroopers but drops it. The stormtrooper trips over his own gun and falls down.
NC (voiceover): Wow! That's like the most accident-proan stormtrooper I've ever seen. I mean, tripping over your own gun? How do you think he'd do in real battle?
NC (mimicking the stormtrooper with a dumb voice): Hey look! Rebels!
NC shoots himself in the head.
Han Solo: How are you? Mala!
He hugs the lady Wookie.
Han Solo: Mala, I'd love to but I can't. I got to get back to my Falcon before someone stumbles across...
NC (voiceover, mimicking Harrison Ford): Yeah, they're paying me by the minute so I can't be here for a long.
Han Solo: You're like... family... to me.
NC: A very, distant, rarely seen family!
NC (voiceover): So I guess the Wookies hold up some sort of sparkling snow globes as they are suddenly teleported to the bright heavenly light.
The scene of four Wookies holding the globes overlaps with the music video of Queen singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Queen: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
A line of Wookies goes into a giant ball of light. Then a temple filled with Wookies who are wearing red long robes can be seen.
NC (voiceover): God, I need booze. We're then seen inside a room with.. Oh, Jesus. More screeching Wookies?
The roaring of Wookies becomes larger and larger. NC screams.
NC (voiceover): God! They sound like Humpback Whales getting their dicks chopped off!
NC: Why are you even wearing those silly robes? Is it a Wookie chorus? Are they gonna sing some Wookie christmas carols? No, no. Don't do it. Don't do it!
All of the Wookies sing We Wish You A Merry Christmas. NC block his ears and screams.
C3PO: It is indeed true that at times like this R2 and I wish that we were more than mechanical beings and were really alive so we could share your feelings with you.
NC (mimicking C3PO): Because as a machine, this seems quite unbearable to us!
NC (voiceover): So all the casts shows up as Princess Leia does her best British impression for entire crowd.
Leia: This holiday is yours, where we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom and to harmony and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness.
NC: Did I mentioned she started doing drugs during this special?
Leia: This is the promise of the Tree of Life.
After finishing her sentence, Leia sings to the tune of the Star Wars theme.
NC: OH, GOD, NO. Not a cheesy Life Day song, please!
Leia continues to sing.
NC: No more! No more! I can't take it! This is the worst! This is the worst Christmas special ever!
Leia is still singing.
NC: Stop it! Stop it. PLEASE!
Leia: A day that takes us through the darkness...
NC: Help me! Somebody help me!
Leia: A day that leads us into light!
NC: Help me, Santa! (picture of Santa appears) Help me, Jesus Christ! (Picture of Jesus Christ appears) Help me...SANTA CHRIST!
Suddenly door opens and a person with Jesus clothes with Santa's beard, glasses, and hat enters the room. We can hear <Santa Christ> song by 'Michael "Skitch" Schiciano
Santa Christ: Ho, ho, ho!
NC: Santa Christ?
Santa Christ: Don't worry, Critic! I'll save you!
Santa Christ shoots his Unlimited Power to explode the only copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special which was watched by NC.
NC: Wow! Thanks Santa Christ!
Santa Christ: Not at all, Critic! Now hold still!
Santa Christ puts his hands on NC's chest. A light shines and a choir of angels can be heard for a second.
NC: What did you do?
Santa Christ: I just cured your diabetes!
NC: I have diabetes? I didn't even know that I have diabetes!
Santa Christ: Now you don't now. Ho, ho , ho!
Santa Christ: Now, as a special gift, I'm going to wipe your mind clean of this horrible holiday special! Santa Christ flips his finger once.
NC: It worked! I don't even remember what we were talking about!
Santa Christ: In-deed! Ho, ho, ho!
Santa smiles and laughes towards the camera.
Santa Christ: Alrighty then, Critic! Now, Santa Christ has to get back on my rocket ship.
NC: Santa Christ has a rocket ship?
Santa Christ: And a Harley!
NC: Oh, you kick ass!
Santa Christ: I know! Ho, ho, ho!
NC: You're just so gosh darn wonderful. I, I love you, Santa Christ!
<Santa Christ> song is played as we see Santa Christ and NC hug each other and say goodbye. Then pictures corresponding to the lyrics of the song can be seen.