NOTE: There's already a page with most of the review's transcript:
(Nostalgia-ween intro opens parodying Gravity Falls, with Malcolm and Tamara in the roles of Dipper and Mabel, and NC as Grunkle Stan)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (Fur Elise starts to play, as NC looks off screen) Why, what is this? (picks up a glass of wine, sniffing it) I'm getting anti-religious commentary,- (sniffs again) a hint of one dimensional villains and/or rednecks,- (sniffs one more time) and a soupçon of something really stupid trying to come across as scary but instead coming across as really stupid. IT'S STEPHEN KING TIME!