Street Fighter + Mortal Kombat Part 1
April 15th, 2008
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well an overwhelming amount of viewers have made it clear that there are two films that put the "sin" in cinematic shit-mongering that I must address:
Footage of both films
NC (voiceover): Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. And God can't tell you how much I don't wanna review these suckers. If someone gave me a choice between sitting through these movies again and being crucified, I'd say
NC: "Grab the nail gun, I hear there's a sale at Home Depots*!"
NC (voiceover): Both of these movies are based on the best fighting games that ever hit the arcades: Street Fighter II for it's speed and gameplay, and Mortal Kombat for its violence and gore.
NC: But luckily all that violence and gore had absolutely NO disturbing effects on our DECENT childhoods.
NC begins drinking out of a skull and firing his gun in the air
NC: I'm sorry, I have to do that every 12 minutes.
NC (voiceover): Now both of these movies came out around the same time, so we got a double dose of disappointment that summer.
NC: But, to keep it simple, let's review the FIRST movie that came out that year, Street Fighter. So what's the biggest problem with this piece of shit of a movie? Four syllables:
Footage of Van Damme in Street Fighter
NC (voiceover): Jean Claude Van Damme. Van Damme is like the poor man's Chuck Norris. The guy you get if you think Steven Segal is too classy for your movie. He knows martial arts, but he often forgets that you need a personality for it to be interesting.
Van Damme: Anytime, big head.
NC: The only bigger insult to having a bad actor in a bad film is having a GOOD actor in a bad film.
Footage of M. Bison
NC (voiceover): Enter Raul Julia as the villain, M. Bison. Raul Julia is one of the most charismatic actors who ever lived and was taken from us a million times too early. In fact, it was rumored he did this as his last film because it's something his children really wanted him to do.
NC: Well THANK YOU you little brats, he lived long enough just to see the destruction of his entire career! Top notch!
Textual overlay relaying the following announcement
Announcer: Warning: This is clearly for satirical purposes. Raul Julia kicks ass and I'm sure his family kicks ass.
Van Damme: You've lost your balls.
NC: So what's the story, you're probably wondering.
NC (voiceover): Well ironically it involves absolutely no street fighting whatsoever. Van Damme plays a war hero named Guile who's out to stop the evil M. Bison from, you guessed it, taking over the world.
M. Bison: OF COURSE! **First appearance**
NC (voiceover): On top of his fearsome army, Bison also has hostages that he's holding ransom for 20 BILLION dollars. Guile, being the fearless leader, has this to say
Van Damme punches some guy
NC: (gasp) Can he do that on TV?
NC (voiceover): After that we get a bad action sequence. Followed by another bad action sequence. Followed by ANOTHER bad action sequence. Followed by...another bad action sequence. Followed by- oh hey look they're actually talking here! Okay, this is the scene where they discuss their strategy to- oh no wait, this is just another bad action sequence. Guile's accompanied by 3 other fighters: Chun Li, Balrog and Honda. They represent some sort of journalistic...secret agent...fighting squad, who are also out to take on M. Bison. Now that's just violating non-partisan reporting. These three obviously have a very difficult task ahead of them. Not taking on M. Bison's army, but trying to figure out what the hell their fearless leader is saying.
Van Damme: (obscured by his accent) Call it a...wake up call.
NC: A way-kakaw? What's a way-kakaw?
Van Damme: If I am not topside in fifteen minutes--
Van Damme: I'll distract his defenses
Van Damme: If Sagat runs off to Bison-
NC (voiceover): Seriously, even the actors in the movie look at him like they don't know what he's saying.
Van Damme: Some moron just canned me
A man looks at him quizzically
NC: I hate to admit it, but I think I might actually be missing Schwarzenegger!
Van Damme: Get the hostages OUT!
NC: Get the hostages OUT!
NC (voiceover): Things start looking up when it appears that Guile has been shot and murdered in the middle of a violent shootout.
NC: Hey, alright, this movie's finally startin' to get good!
Guile rises off his morgue table
NC (voiceover): It turns out that Guile is still alive, and this death scene was just an attempt to fool the enemy, even though they spot him on a speedboat just a few moments later.
NC: Which makes this scene...
He raises his finger, and a chime indicates the appearance of the words "Entirely Pointless" on screen
NC: Entirely pointless.
NC (voiceover): By the way, I LOVE Guile's army fatigue, a blue camoflauge. That'll really come in handy if they're ever fighting in the sky, or under water. The rest of the story is KINDA hard to keep track of, considering how there's so many damn characters.
NC: Most adaptations have the problem of leaving a character or two out. But not Street Fighter, no, they have the courtesy of giving us every single DAMN annoying character these games ever produced. Like:
Shots of each character
NC (voiceover): Guile, M. Bison, Chun Li, Honda, Sagat, Balrog, Ken, Ryu, Cammy, Zangief, DJ, Vega, Dhalsim, T Hawk, Blanka, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Cubby, Tommy, Pinky, Brain, John, Ringo
Gilligan's Island Theme Song: The Professor and Mary Anne!
NC: IT'S A NIGHTMARE! Everyone in the world is here! It's like A Street Fighter Christmas!
NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm gonna do you a favor and show you the only funny scene in this entire movie. It's when the villains are watching a TV screen showing a truck of explosives riding out of control, only to find that the truck is actually heading right towards them.
Zangief: QUICK! Change the channel!
NC (voiceover): Okay...that's kinda funny. But trust me, it's not worth it to watch painful scenes like this one where the most stereotypically smug British man tells Guile that they're giving in to M. Bison's demands.
British Guy: Deliver these orders to your troops, then consider yourself relieved of your command. I think we can deal with General Bison.
NC affects a bad British accent, and sips a teacup
NC: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to burn down an orphanage and puppy farm. Ahahahahahahaha.
NC (voiceover): So Guile delivers a speech that even George W. would find epically ridiculous.
Guile: Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home.
NC: Oh Good! I don't know how much more of this movie I could take.
Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes. And our friends will have died here. But...we can all go home.
NC: Yes yes yes, very tragic-I got things to do so I'm just gonna-
Guile: Meanwhile ideals like peace, freedom and justice...they get packed up. But...we can all go home.
NC: Well we WOULD, if you could stop yapping your trap.
Guile: Well...I'm not going home.
NC: No no, don't do this to me Van Damme! You said I could go home!
Guile: I'm gonna get on my boat and I'm going to KICK that son of a bitch Bison's ass.
NC: Heart of a poet.
Guile: Now who wants to go home-
NC raises his hand
Guile: And who wants to go with me?!
NC: NO NO NO!!!!
NC (voiceover): One subplot out of the BILLIONS going on here involves Guile's friend Blanka, who's transformed into a mix between the Hulk and one of those cavemen you see from the Geico commercials.
Van Damme: You're joking.
NC (voiceover): This is all done by a scientist named Dhalsim, who's just a DEAD RINGER for the Dhalsim in the video game
Still shot showing that no, no he isn't
NC (voiceover): Can you tell the difference? I sure can't. Actually one of the strangest parts of the movie involves his appearance. The last time we see him he looks like this
Standard appearance of Movie Dhalsim
NC (voiceover): And then the next time we see him, he looks like this
Something much closer to the game version
NC: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
NC (voiceover): One minute he looks like a scientist, then the next he looks like the bald guy from 300. And the movie NEVER tells us why!
NC: Did he just "bloom" into a yogi/Indian warrior? Is he on his way to Quiquai costume party? I mean it makes no sense!
M. Bison: Why?
NC (voiceover): So after an onslaught of bad lines and lame action sequences, we FINALLY get to the showdown between Guile and M. Bison. Granted Bison's army is totally outnumbered and all they have to do is shoot him to end this stupid war, but nope! Guile wants to risk THOUSANDS of lives, so he can show off his cool hand-to-hand combat moves. A 30 year old heavyweight takes on a 50 year old dictator?
NC: Gee, I wonder who's gonna win!
Guile owns Bison
NC: What a shock!
NC (voiceover): At some point, Bison regenerates himself and is able to levitate throughout the room. So he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on! And then, after that...he flies up into the air and hits Guile straight on. But then he has the brilliant strategy...of flying into the air and hitting Guile straight on. I think finally the TWELFTH time he does this, Guile gets an idea:
NC: Maybe he should, pfft, hit him!
Guile owns Bison again, this time sending him flying into a wall of TVs, causing an explosion
Guile: BISON! You're off the air.
NC: (sarcastic) Ahahahaha
NC (voiceover): I think probably the strangest scene--and trust me, that's saying a lot--comes at the very end where Guile tries to rescue Blanka and Dhalsim. Blanka says he can't face the world looking how he does, so Dhalsim decides to look after him in the comfort and safety OF A BURNING BUILDING!
NC: I mean what made them think that would be okay there? Guile even at one point says--
Guile: This whole place is gonna go up.
NC: Oh, it's a fixer-upper, but you can't beat that rent.
NC (voiceover): Gee, I wonder how the armies feel knowing that Guile's best friend and an innocent scientist were lost in that explosion.
The characters all strike a pose to celebrate
NC (voiceover): I guess they're taking it pretty well. Horrible movie, sucks ass, next film.
Title card saying "End of Part 1. Don't forget to see Part 2 at Youtube.com/TheNostalgiaCritic