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Suburban Knights: Part 1
June 27th, 2011
Suburban Knights: Part 1
The video opens up with a desolate road. A car drives by, and we're shown the driver, Bill, as he headbangs to rock music. He stops after seeing a black guy wearing leather clothes and sunglasses and holding a staff by the side of the road.
Bill: Hey, buddy! Need a lift?
Mysterious person: In this?
Bill: Yeah, unless you can pull a plane out of your pocket. *laughs* 'Cause that'd be awesome.
The mysterious guy sighs as he enters the car
Bill: I really dig your get-up, man. It's very Matrix meets Matrix Reloaded. You ever see those movies?
The mysterious guy stares silently
Bill: That's beautiful, man. So, where you headed?
Bill: Chicago! The Windy City! That shouldn't be too far out of the way! Let me just program this into my GPS. *grabs GPS* Get this bloody thing to work.
The mysterious person stares at the electronic devices on the car as Bill speaks the following
Bill: According to this, it should be... 2000 miles. No, that can't be right. Let me just fix this. No, I don't want to go to Lake Okeechobee. You know, my mom always said only so many times a man can drive into a lake. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me five times, shame on the GPS. Awesome! I think I got it! So what part of Chicago are you going to?
MP: You're using that?
Bill: Well, yeah.
MP: Don't use that.
Bill: Why not?
MP: Just, don't.
Bill: Dude, I get everywhere with this thing. I'd be totally lost without it.
MP: It's bad enough you have to imprison yourself in this technological deathtrap. But now you sacrifice your own sense of direction? Your intuition? Your own means of travel is determined by wires, electric highways. Circuits to destruction. You make no decisions for yourself. You hand over everything to these mechanical wonders. And for all their digital prestidigitation, you become no smarter for it. You enter this world empty, and you will leave this world... empty.
Bill: Dude, did I say something wrong or...?
MP: What do you think of the 21st century, mister...?
MP: Bill. What do you think of the 21st century, Bill?
Bill: Well, it's alright. I mean, like, Gaga's a little weird and all, but I think it's pretty solid.
MP: You enjoy it?
MP: Would you swear by it?
MP: Would you give up everything you own for it?
Bill: That doesn't make much sense. Everything I own's in the 21st century, man.
MP: No. No it isn't. There's one other thing you own the that 21st century hasn't given you. And it can be taken away. Very, very easily. Do you want it taken away... Bill?
Bill: *laughing* Dude, what are you on? 'Cause I totally want some.
A shot is heard as the driver's window is covered in blood. The mysterious person leaves the car, and walks away as it explodes.
(The opening credits roll, showing an image of a gauntlet with a shiny gem, swords and shields, and drawings of the Channel Awesome reviewers in costume, while playing the Suburban Knights theme.)
After the credits, Angry Joe is seen happily walking on the streets of Chicago. He stops to talk to a man
Joe: Hello, good sir. How are you today?
Man': Well, um...
Joe: Can't talk now! I just won a free car! *laughs and walks away*
Joe gets to a house, and checks again his "voucher", reading "FREE CAR! 555 29th ST NONAMIA". He grins as he enters the house.
Joe: Alright, where's that free NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Joe continues to shout "No" as the camera shows that the rest of the Channel Awesome staff is in the living room
Joe: (after 13 no's, sounding sad) Let me guess, you guys were promised a free car too? *everyone nods* But there is no car, is there? *everyone shakes heads* It's the Nostalgia Critic again, isn't it? *everyone nods* Oh, God.
A sad Angry Joe enters the room, sitting in the couch next to Obscurus Lupa
Lupa: Don't worry, Joe. We'll get him in his sleep.
A shot of a VHS tape reading "EPICNESS!!!!!!!" with a piece of drawn paper atop it. The Nostalgia Critic gets the paper, then the tape. Cut to the living room
Jew Wario: Oh hey, you're Todd in the Shadows, right?
Jew Wario: *ducking* I've always wondered what you look like —a gun cocking sound is heard, and Todd points a pistol at JW—and then he backed away.
Lupa: So what kind of half-assed scheme do you think he has this time?
Film Brain: *enthusiastic* I don't know, but I'm so excited!
Lupa: Is there like some sort of medicine you should be on?
FB gasps as he continues to smile. The Nostalgia Critic enters the room
NC: Hello fellow reviewers of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com! How are you today?
NC ducks as a shot is fired at him
NC: Okay, so ya figured out there's no car. I would be angry too. cut to the reviewers, showing Linkara lowering his gun But if I was to tell you the real reason that I brought you all out here, I'm afraid none of you would show.
MarzGurl: What are you talking about?
NC: The truth, my dear friends, is that I have something better than the car.
Phelous: *sarcastic* It better be a boat.
NC: I'm talking about something that can get us riches beyond your wildest dreams. Something that can make every single person in this room a millionaire.
The door is heard opening. Spoony comes in
Spoony: Alrighty, where's that free c- NOOOOOOOO! *starts sobbing*
NC: Spoony, Spoony, so glad you could make it! Go join your team!
A sobbing Spoony enters the room, sits in front of Lupa
Lupa: Don't worry. We'll make him pay.
NC: My friends, we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime. And all the answers are on this VHS. Who wants to play it?
FB: *gets up, saying enthusiastically* ME! I DO, I DO, I DO!
As Film Brain approaches the tape, a hand grabs it. FB looks over, shocked.
Luke Mochrie: I'll do that for you, Critic.
NC: Ah, Film Brain. I see you've met Luke Mochrie. He's a up and coming talent on the site. A real go-getter!
FB: *still shocked* Up and coming?
Luke: Yes. I'm sort of like you, only fresh and new. *Luke and the Critic laugh*
NC: So, as you can see, Luke has this one. So, if you could get out of the way there... *pushes FB aside*
Luke inserts the tape on the VHS
FB: Well, can I, um, make you some coffee, Mr. Critic?
NC: Oh, sure. That'd be great, uh...
FB: Film Brain.
NC: ...Film Brain... Yeah. Yeah, that's good. *taps his shoulder as he leaves
As the tape enters, Benzaie pops through Brad's legs
Benzaie: Oh, boy! A movie.
The tape cuts to a GNN title card
Nostalgia Chick: Well, already the credits are terrible.
NC: Don't review it! *everyone groans*
In the tape, Larry Prince shows up in GNN News
Larry Prince: New information in the disappearance of 30-year-old game store clerk Chuck Jaffers, from Gurnee. Police are revealing a strange portrait of the man that witnesses described as "emotionally troubled".
Witness: He was emotionally troubled.
Larry Prince: According to friends and family, Jaffers was apparently an avid player of the counterculture "role-playing game" Dungeons and Dragons. However, in the days leading up to his disappearance, he was heard ranting about finding a magical gauntlet called Malachite's Hand. Police suspect that the game may have driven Jaffers to insanity, and caused him to run mad into the street. Not unlike the timeless tale of Mazes and Monsters.
Spoony: Oh, that is bullshit!
Larry Prince: The actual location of Jaffers still remains a mystery. *removes glasses* Sad. Very, very sad. *puts glasses back* And now, on a lighter note, the President has been shot.
Benzaie: So, what?
NC: The gauntlet! The magic gauntlet he was talking about!
Linkara: What about it?
NC: I've done some research on this gauntlet, and it turns out it really exists! Apparently there are some sort of ancient jewel that you place on the gauntlet that was rumored to make it indestructible!
Paw: So you think that by finding it, we can take control of its "magical" powers?
NC: Pfft, hell no! There's no such thing as magic!
Benzaie holds an angry Linkara back
NC: But if we find this thing, it could be worth a fortune. People would pay through the nose to get a look at it!
Phelous: Well, what does it matter? Even if it is worth a bundle, we have no idea where it is or how to find it.
NC: On the contrary.
He holds the map. Everyone groans, except Film Brain, who rubs his hands.
NC: I found the map that Jaffers made! He knew where it was! He left clues! All you have to do is just play a stupid game he created. A game that will lead us directly to the gauntlet!
Bennett the Sage shows up behind him, holding the map
Bennett the Sage: But this is all written in rhymes and riddles! How are we supposed to figure it all out?
NC: What... How the hell did you get that?!
Sage: Just getting a head start?
NC: *grabbing the map* That's the catch. As you heard on the news, Jaffers was this gigantic geek, and apparently he'd written this as a role-playing game in order to find it. Everybody has to get dressed up and act like a fantasy character in order to figure out what these riddles mean.
8-Bit Mickey: So you mean it's just a game?
NC: Well, really, the only rule is to figure out the riddles on the map. But you're more likely to figure it out if you're engulfed in some sort of fantasy character. So if you're totally in touch with wizards, dragons, and all that crap, the more likely you are to figure this out and find the treasure.
Spoony: So, it's like LARP'ing?
NC: No! That's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward.
Spoony: While we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a real reward.
Todd: So, what kind of characters do we dress up as?
NC' Anything. As long as it has something to do with a quest-related fantasy world. Now, the map says here that there are two paths to it, so if we split up into two teams, that'll increase our chances of finding it!
Chick': And you honestly think this is gonna pay off?
NC': *epic music plays as he walks to the window* My friends, after all this is over, we will not only have a ton of money. But our names will also be placed in the book of destiny. Names will be remembered. Quests will become legends. And legends will become... legendary. We are standing on the threshold of greatness, of glory, and all we need to do is to take that first step. So what say you, my proud warriors of virtue? Turns around, the living room is empty
NC: Goddamnit! It's like working with a bunch of kindergarteners!
Goes to the door, screams outside
NC: HEY! IF YOU DON'T GO, YOU'RE ALL FIRED! *everyone groans* 8AM TOMORROW! BRING YOUR COSTUMES!
He enters back. Film Brain comes with a cup of coffee.
FB: Here you go, Mr. Critic. I got you your coffee.
NC: Get with the program, Film Brain! Luke already got me a latte!
Film Brain looks behind him, spots Luke holding a latte, then looks at the NC, shocked. The Critic sighs and shakes his head.
NC: You just haven't been on your A-game, have you?
Luke: Extra cream, extra sugar, Critic.
NC: *laughing* Oh ho ho, Luke. You know just what I'm lookin' for.
Film Brain crushes the cup on his hand, without breaking his smile
It's night. After external shot of the house, cut to the Critic, who unsheathes a replica of the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda, and practices with it before putting it back. Ma-Ti is then shown in the bedroom, holding a "card" like the one Angry Joe had.
NC: AAAAAAH! Ma-Ti!
Ma-Ti: Yes, it's Ma-ti! From Captain Planet.
NC: *rolls eyes* Yeah, I know. What are you doing here?
Ma-Ti: I got the message about the car!
NC: But I didn't send you a message about the car...
Ma-Ti: Huh, weird. *tosses the card* So, I hear you're putting a team together for a quest. Can I come?
NC: Um, I'd like to, Ma-Ti, really I would, but, ah... I really need you... here.
NC: Yes. To protect the children and elderly.
Ma-Ti: But there aren't any children and elderly here.
NC: That's what makes it so hard, Ma-Ti. That's what makes it so hard. You don't understand my plight.
Ma-Ti: No, I don't understand your plight.
NC: I don't even know what 'plight' means. So, let's just say we're even and go along our merry ways, huh?
Ma-Ti: But Critic, you don't have anyone to represent heart on your team!
NC: Don't you think I know that, Ma-Ti? Don't you think I'd give anything to have you on board?
Ma-Ti: Well, um...
NC: But I have chosen the life that I lead, and you have chosen the life that you lead. I know it sounds complex, even confusing, but trust me when I say that nothing will change that, Ma-Ti! Nothing will change that! Will you answer nothing's call?
Ma-Ti: Is "nothing" something?
NC: It's everything.
NC: So help me help you help me. Let's make this happen, Ma-Ti!
NC: Now get out there and show 'em what you're made of, you little pop tart!
Ma-Ti leaves the room yelling. The Critic gets the sword, then a green hood. External shot of the house
The following day. Shots of the neighborhood, then of the mysterious person. Cut to the Critic's house, then to the stairway outside the bedroom. A gong is heard as it opens... to show the Critic dressed as Link from The Legend of Zelda, with the Zelda overworld theme heard in the background. He goes down the stairs to the living room
NC: Now this is a manly costume!
Joe: Not as manly as mine!
A scared Critic jumps back. Angry Joe enters the room, dressed as Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride; a Spanish guitar riff is heard
NC: Jesus, Joe. Don't scare me like this.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is not Joe. It is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brother. points his sword at the Critic
Joe: Father. Prepare to die.
NC: Alright, very nice, Joe, but don't do that! We don't need to encourage every tights-wearing idiot to sneak in here like that.
Spoony, dressed as Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings, appears
Spoony: Fly, you fools!
A scared Critic jumps back, and Joe also gasps.
Spoony: "For I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!"
NC: Yeah, well...
The Critic pulls Spoony's beard and lets go, which hits him
NC: Knock before you come in, Dumbledore! In fact, is anyone else already here?
The empty living room is shown
JewWario: Yes! *The Snob replies with a shush* N-No, no, no!
NC: Alright, alright, GET OUT IN HERE!
Linkara: We'd preferred if you called our names out first!
Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's more dramatic that way!
NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Linkara!
Linkara, dressed in knight armor and with a drawn beard, shows up; the music from Camelot is heard
Linkara: I must remind you, Critic, that I am a civilized man with occasional lapses.
NC: What are you, some sort of Monty Python sketch?
Linkara: I, good sir, am King Arthur, as played by Sir Richard Harris.
NC: Actually, I don't think he was knighted.
Spoony: Kind of ironic...
Linkara: In the greatest movie ever made, Camelot.
Spoony: What's the Elvish word for prat?
Linkara: Have at thee!
He rushes at Spoony, but their fight is split by the Critic
NC: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Save it for Broadway! Alright, now where's the Nostalgia Chick?
A bright flash blinds the boys. The Lord of the Rings music is heard, as we are shown the Chick dressed as Arwen.
Chick: *speaks in Elvish-sounding words* (Subtitles: "Greetings unattractive mortals.")
Linkara: What'd she say?
Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "I am Arwen, daughter of King what's-his-name from those Matrix movies.")
Chick: Read the damn subtitles!
Boys: "*look down* Ohhhhh!
The score of Conan the Barbarian is heard as Benzaie, dressed as Conan himself, appears
Benzaie: Crom! Ask me what is best in life!
Joe: Okay, what is best in life?
Benzaie: To crush the enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. Present company excluded.
Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "It's cool")
NC: I like it! A Frenchman playing an Austrian! It'll confuse the enemy! Very good! Ah, who else there? Um... Sage!
Lion roars are heard. Sage, dressed as a lion, appears to Narnia music
Sage: Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan.
Everyone laughs at him
Sage: Oh, shut up!
NC: *laughing* I don't know, Ass Man! I don't think you've got the nerve!
Spoony: "Oh, grrr!"
Sage: Come on, guys! Stop laughing!
Phelous: You're probably not gonna like my costume, then...
Everyone stops laughing and turns back to see Phelous dressed in a gray suit with blobs
NC: What the... Phelous, is that you?
Phelous: No, it's the Rockbiter!
NC: You look like a steroid elephant turd.
Phelous: *holding two dolls* Well, my little friends think I look good, don't you? These are my little friends. They've come to help stop the Nothing! Say hello to my little friends!
Everyone is staring silently
NC: Very nice. Anyway, I-
Phelous puts the dolls up to the Critic's face
Phelous: I said "Say HELLO!"
NC: *nervously pats one* Hello, inanimate objects.
Phelous: *taking the dolls away* They'll be watching you.
Dramatic music plays as the Critic has a stunned expression; he recomposes
NC: Marzgurl! Where is MarzGurl? *a dog bite is heard* OW!
MarzGurl, dressed as San from Princess Mononoke, raises as the music of said movie plays
MarzGurl: *speaks Japanese* (subtitles: "I am Princess Mononoke, half woman, half wolf. Daughter of the great Wolf God, Gillian Anderson!")
MarzGurl bites the Critic's arm, and he flings him off by beating on her with his sword
NC: Ow, ow, ow! Okay, alright! You're an animal rights nut! Geez!
Harry Potter music plays as Luke enters, dressed as Harry
Luke: Expecto tarobitussin! Magic is in the air!
Film Brain enters, also dressed as Harry
FB: Hey! You copycat! I was going to be Harry Potter!
Luke: Says who?
FB: Says me!
MarzGurl: *Japanese* (subtitles: "Silence!")
NC: Hey, hey, hey! We got two Lord of the Rings and possibly two Narnias!
NC: Well, you do kinda look like the older sister. Everyone agrees So we can have two Harry Potters!
FB: But he shouldn't even qualify! I'm authentic British!
Luke: Yeah, well, I'm Canadian!
FB: That's as British as being Turkish, you tit!
Luke: What are you talking aboot?
FB: It's "about," you twat!
NC: Stop it, stop it! As far as I'm concerned, you both look equally stupid!
FB: But I look more stupid, right?
NC: OH YEAH!
Film Brain nods his head at Luke
NC: Right. Now, where's Cinema Snob?
The Indiana Jones theme plays as Snob is revealed to be dressed as Indy
Snob: "Too bad the Hovitos don't know you like I do, Critic."
NC: Oh, come on, Indiana Jones? That isn't fantasy.
Snob: It's quest-based, so it counts. Anyways, he survived a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. If that's not fantasy, then I don't know what is.
NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Where's Obscurus Lupa?
Harps play as Lupa, dressed as Snow White, shows up
Lupa: "Oh, some day my prince will come!"
NC: No, no! What's wrong with you people? It's fantasy-based, not fairy tales!
Lupa: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Fairy tales are so based in reality. I mean... *puts hands on chest, talks in softer voice* reality!
8-Bit Mickey enters, dressed as Peter Pan, to the score of said movie
Mickey: It's all about giving in to the dreams of your imagination!
NC: Holy fuck, what is that?
Mickey: I am Peter Pan, the little rapscallion who will never grow up.
NC: Well, I can clearly see that.
The music stops as Mickey drops his sword and tries to hit the Critic - Lupa and the Snob hold him back. Paw, dressed as Profion from Dungeons and Dragons, shows up behind the Critic
Paw: "Good, good! I can use every ounce of your rage! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!
Luke: Oh my God, you're Jeremy Irons from Dungeons & Dragons?
Paw: *touches Luke's face* Good, does that upset you? I can use every ounce of your anger! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah!
Luke: *scared* I don't wanna ride with him.
A Spanish guitar plays as Todd, dressed like the Dread Pirate Roberts - but with his eyes covered - enters
Todd: Hey guys, check me out! 'Tis I, the Dread Pirate Roberts!
Everyone stands silent
Todd: From The Princess Bride! silence remains It's Todd.
Handsome Tom enters, wearing a red wig
Tom: How's this?
NC: Oh, hey Tom! You're...
Tom: I'm Willow.
NC: ...Of course! Okay, well, there's only one person missing. Where's JewWario?
Gong is heard as JewWario enters, dressed as Jareth from Labyrinth
JewWario: Apologies. I was busy doing my dance magic dance.
NC: Oh my God. It's David Bowie from Labyrinth.
Mickey: Does that mean he's got the...
Cut to JewWario's huge codpiece. All the men react in disgust... but Lupa, the Chick, and Marzgurl get happy
JewWario: I can't help if I want to *pelvic thrust* flaunt what I've got.
After another disgusted reaction shot...
NC: It's like a dead ferret!
...Lupa, MarzGurl and the Chick cling on JewWario
Chick: Hello. I'd suddenly like to get to know you better.
JewWario: Oh, most certainly. Here, would you like to hold my ball?
The girls leave JewWario, as the Suburban Knights theme plays.
NC: Alright! You all look epically ridiculous! Now this is the kind of team that's gonna get us riches!
NC: Okay everybody. Let's get started!
Everyone is in a field
NC: According to this map, this is the only point that's identified as the starting point of the game. Right in this field. By God, it's a beautiful, desolate wasteland, isn't it?
Benzaie: Uh, not really. There are houses around us. Even some cars over there.
Car drives by
Car driver: *honking* Get a job, hippies!
NC: Well, it doesn't matter. This as a starting point is a great place to start! Linkara, where's your beard?
Linkara: I ran out of Sharpie!
NC: Well, it doesn't matter. According to this map, there's two paths to get there, so I'm going to split you up into two teams. Um... Let's call *points* this side team 1, *points* and this side team 2.
Lupa and the Chick get sad and cling on JewWario
Lupa: But... We wanna go with him.
NC: Get over there!
Lupa and the Chick and angry and let go, while MarzGurl immediately clings to JewWario, who smiles.
NC: Now, I made a Xerox copy of the map for myself - I still ripped it up so it looks all cool - and so the original map I am giving to you guys.
The Critic gives the map to Spoony
Spoony: Thank you, Master Critic. May the light of Eärendil shine ever upon you.
NC: Shut up. *epic music plays* Alright, people. We are on the verge of a great adventure! If we pull this off, our names will be placed in the history books for all time to come!
Ma-Ti comes in
Ma-Ti: Critic! I thought I could be of some help!
The Critic walks to Ma-Ti
NC: Ma-Ti, it's not that we don't want to use you because your powers are totally and completely useless.
Sage: It's not? Lupa elbows him
NC: It's just that... there's so much more that can be done here!
Ma-Ti: Like what?
NC: Um... Ah...
Chick: Oh! My contact lens fell out!
NC: Her contact lens, Ma-Ti! She lost her contact lens!
Ma-Ti: Oh, geez, that's terrible!
NC: Yes. And we need somebody here to look for it, so...get on that. pushes Ma-Ti to the ground
Ma-Ti (with his face on the ground): You are a true friend.
NC: No talking while you're searching. *unsheathes sword as the epic music plays* Now, for everyone else, you will remain in your two teams, and we will find treasure! But first, I think it would be a good idea if we go over that hill to show the unity of our fellowship.
Todd: Why? *the music stops, and restarts every time the Critic starts talking*
NC: Because it will symbolize our unity, even though we are breaking our fellowship.
Phelous: Why would we want to do that?
NC: It will strengthen our bonds as we-
Mickey: How's bondage gonna help us?
NC: *annoyed* In our darkest hour, we will always-
Linkara: But it's daylight!
NC: But when something really bad is going down-
Paw: Like what?
NC: *very annoyed* The trailer, okay?! We're doing it for the trailer!
NC: Okay. Line up!
Everyone gets in a line
NC: Begin epic pose!
Epic music plays as they walk, one by one: The Nostalgia Critic, Benzaie, The Nostalgia Chick, Obscurus Lupa, 8 Bit Mickey, Phelous, Bennett The Sage, Handsome Tom, Linkara, Angry Joe, The Cinema Snob, Paw, Marzgurl, Film Brain, Luke Mochrie, Spoony, ToddInTheShadows and JewWario.
NC: AND SPLIT!
Joe, The Snob, Paw, MarzGurl, Film Brain, Luke, Spoony, Todd, and JewWario run by the screen. Cut to a distant shot of both teams parting ways. Spoony drops his hat and comes back to get it
Shots of trees, then of three cloaked figures in a field holding swords.