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Suburban Knights: Part 2
June 28th, 2011
The Nostalgia Critic and his group make their way along a trail through a forest. The Critic reads the map as they walk along.
Handsome Tom: Are you sure you're reading that thing correctly?
NC: I think so. It says, “Five hundred steps into northern siege, you'll enter a field that is filled with trees.” Only forest reserve that's around that distance, so this has gotta be it.
8-Bit Mickey: Well, I, for one, am glad to be on this team. After all, it is the team with the most imagination! Isn't that right, Critic?
NC: *in a disinterested manner* Hm? Oh, yeah, uh. Oh, ah, magical...
Phelous: Well, at least my little friends are having a good time. *speaks to toys* Aren't you, little friends?
8-Bit Mickey: You know, Phelous, I gotta admit. I think you may be getting into character a little too much.
Phelous: What do you mean?
8-Bit Mickey: Well, it seems like you really think... they're alive.
Phelous: But they are alive! They're more alive than YOU!
Mickey looks at him awkwardly for a moment as creepy music plays. Afraid, Mickey moves away from Phelous toward Benzaie.
Benzaie: Fear not, Tinker Bell. The power of Crom will protect you.
Benzaie puts his hand on Mickey's shoulder, though Mickey looks reluctant to accept his help. Meanwhile, Obscurus Lupa converses with the NC at the front of the group.
Lupa: And into what willowing wood of bird and deer have we so sojourned?
Lupa: Where are we going?
NC: Oh. Uh, it's sort of hard to follow. It says, “To follow the path without any fail, just follow the one that has the best tale.”
Lupa: You mean, like... one of these paths has a story or something?
NC: I don't know. Just keep your eyes peeled.
Lupa: Alright, well, I'm gonna go back there being all enchanted and shit.
Lupa moves away from the Critic and moves whimsically among the group.
Linkara: Well, if there's anything a good king knows, it's how to keep moral up! Come, come, chaps! Let us sing a song of days gone by!
The group groans at him.
Linkara: Oh, come on, I'm sure you know this old one! *singing* A law was made a distant moon ago here---
Chick: *holding her head* Knock it off. I've got a migraine over here.
Linkara: *singing* Into the woods! Into the woods! Into the woods---
NC: Andrew Lloyd Fucker, knock it off with Spamalot over there!
Linkara: *singing * You're the one that I want! Woo hoo hoo---
Benzaie knocks Linkara on the back of the head, knocking him down.
Benzaie: Crom laughs at your show tunes! Somebody carry him!
The group declines. From the ground, Linkara continues to sing, albeit off key now.
Linkara: *singing* Popular, I'm gonna be popular...
As the group walks along, Bennett stops for a moment and notices something in the woods. He calls to the group.
Bennett: Look, yonder nerdlings! Our tale has begun!
He points to what looks like an animal's tail hanging over a log. The NC comes over to Bennett to investigate and Linkara rejoins the group while rubbing the back of his head.
Bennett: That black speck over there.
NC: What about it?
Bennett: It looks like the tail of an animal, does it not? Perhaps that was the tail the map was referring to.
NC: Nah, that can't be it.
Bennett: Critic. The path to enlightenment is the enlightenment of the path.
NC: Yes, and the way to pain is to nail you in the 'nads.
8-Bit Mickey: No, he's right! That does look like a tail. *looks at Bennett* And we should nail you in the 'nads! *looks toward the tail* But we should go that way first.
Phelous: *nods, consulting his toys* My friends agree!
NC: Well, even if it was a tail, what kind of animal could it possibly be connected to?
The tail swiftly moves and the animal turns around, revealing a puppet that looks vaguely like a cat. The creature speaks as the group moves toward it.
Cat: Halt, puny mortals! I am the defender of this path!
NC: Oh my God, we're in a Lamb Chop Sing-Along.
Cat: Do not underestimate me! I know what it is you seek. You are searching for a power greater than any weapon man has ever known! A power that could destroy all mankind!
8-Bit Mickey: Well, he IS funnier than Jeff Dunham. You gotta give him that.
Cat: You are seeking a power known as Malachite's Hand.
The group looks stunned and confused.
NC: How'd you know that?
Cat: Never you mind. Only those who truly know the value of its power may find it. Only those who are true of heart can unmask its secret and unwield its enchanted magic.
Chick: Doesn't the fact that it's magic already make it enchanted?
Cat: Silence! You are not worthy or destined for its power!
NC: What's your name, beast?
Cat: I am a creature of the ancient world simply known as... Cat.
The group scoffs at the creature.
NC: That's your actual name? Cat?
Cat: Pretty much, yes.
Linkara: What, it took you a whole two seconds to come with that?
Bennett: Yeah, a third grader could come up with that.
NC: I know! You'd think for a creature of the “ancient world” he'd have a more creative name than “Cat!”
Cat: What? It's straightforward and self-explanatory!
Lupa: It's self-explanatory that you are an idiot!
Cat: Hey! I don't have to take this!
NC: What are you gonna do, start The Muppet Show?
Cat: You can't talk to a servant of the ancient world that way! I demand respect!
NC: Yeah, whatever. *turns to Benzaie * Conan, go cut his balls off.
Benzaie: Right! I will crush the pussy!
Cat: I warn you! I am a demon of another realm!
Benzaie: Die, timid beast!
Suddenly, the puppeteer controlling Cat gets up, still using the puppet, and starts punching Benzaie in the stomach.
NC: *turns to his group * Come on! He needs our help!
They draw their weapons and advance on the puppeteer. The puppeteer moves forward, punching out the Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Phelous, and Handsome Tom. He uses the puppet Cat to bite Mickey's nose. Meanwhile, Lupa faints nearby. As Mickey struggles with Cat, Phelous advances on the puppeteer.
8-Bit Mickey: It's eating my face!
Phelous: Rock Biter smash!
The puppeteer moves swiftly, grabbing onto Phelous' nose with his free hand.
Phelous: Ow! He's got my nose!
The Nostalgia Critic springs up, yelling, and charges at the puppeteer.
Phelous: Who does that?!
As the NC gets closer, the puppeteer moves Mickey and Phelous in front of him, blocking the NC's attack at the last moment and forcing NC to knock out his colleagues.
NC: Oh, sorry!
The puppeteer punches out the NC again. Using Cat, he looks to his left and spots Bennett. The two start roaring and hissing at each other before the puppeteer steps on Bennett's foot hard. As Bennett flails in agony, Cat looks away and runs into the stomach of Handsome Tom. He looks up at Tom as Tom looks down at him.
Handsome Tom: I'm Willow.
After a moment's pause, the puppeteer hits Tom in the stomach with Cat causing him to double over in pain. Meanwhile, the NC moves over to Linkara and the Nostalgia Chick.
NC: I can't believe this! We're losing to a demented after school special!
The puppeteer holds Benzaie by the neck as he fends off Phelous, Bennett, Mickey, and Tom.
Benzaie: I want my big... muscular... mommy!
Linkara: We must think of something, and think of something quickly! That kitty's dynamite!
Chick: Perhaps I could distract him with my Arwen montage!
NC: Your what?
Chick: Watch and observe.
The Nostalgia Chick moves forward toward the puppeteer. He stops what he's doing, dropping Benzaie, and staring at her. The Chick waves her hands in front of her, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various points of view shots of the Chick are shown.
Chick: *During the fade outs, she at first speaks Elvish, which is not understood by the viewer, however she also sticks some pop culture references in her whispered speech* Chickety China, the Chinese chicken. Have a drum stick and your brain stops tickin'.... Well, I done seen about everything... 'til I see an elephant fly...
As the puppeteer stands still, looking around in confusion, the Chick uses her distraction and punches him, knocking him out.
Bennett: Right, Nostalgia Chick!
8-Bit Mickey: Yeah, I've never seen someone over-romanticize a bunch of nothing so well!
The Chick looks modest.
NC: Oh! Speaking of which...
The group gathers around the fainted Lupa.
Benzaie: Is she alright?
NC: I don't know.
Bennett: *ducking down toward Lupa* Maybe she needs mouth to mouth.
NC: *stops him* Hey! That's my job. *smirking, he crouches toward Lupa*
Linkara: *stopping NC* Hey, hey! She's coming around.
Lupa's eyes flutter open and she puts her hand to her head, letting out a soft moan.
NC: Yeah, way to puss out on us, Lupa.
Lupa: Oh, I... must have swooned... I was just trying to stay in precious character.
NC: Yeah, well your “pwecious character” is starting to become a real pain in the ass.
Lupa grabs the NC's tie swiftly and hauls herself to her feet, looking angry.
Lupa: Alright, listen here, you skirted little green fairy!
8-Bit Mickey: Ha! It's funny 'cause it isn't me.
Lupa: I wanna find this treasure just as much as anybody else. So, why don't you keep to your funny little leprechaun character and I'll keep to mine. Got it?!
Lupa walks away from the Critic in a huff. He looks back at her.
NC: Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess.
The rest of the group looks at the Critic, appalled.
NC: Yeah... Yeah, that did sound douchey. Promise me you'll never let me do that again.
NC: 'Kay. Onward to adventure!
As the group moves onward, Linkara speaks up.
Linkara: You know everybody. I say this calls for a song! *singing* The phantom of the opera is---
The sound of a sword unsheathing is heard and Linkara stops singing.
Linkara: I'll be quiet.
Meanwhile, the other group walks along a path by a field. Spoony leaps to the head of the group.
Spoony: Ride, my fellowship, and show us the meaning of haste! For the markings suggest that salvation lies yonder, on the very slopes of Mount Doom!
The group looks confused for a moment. Todd in the Shadows speaks up.
Todd: He says go that way. *points forward*
Paw: Ah. This forest has so much history to it. And so much rage! Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
Joe: I am concerned about Paw. He's got this Woody Woodpecker thing of the undead going on.
Paw: *talking to some twigs* Feed me your rage, forest! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
Film Brain taps Luke's shoulder as they walk behind the group.
Film Brain: Listen, Great White North. I know you think you're hot shit around here, but let's make one thing clear. Mr. Critic is mine, do you understand?
Luke: Well... I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.
Film Brain: *mockingly* “I'm just working hard like any other person who loves his job.” I know your game, Luke Canuck. You are a speck. And I don't even notice you because that's how insignificant you are!
Luke: Well, if I'm so insignificant, why are you bringing this up?
Film Brain: ...You're a pea.
Luke: ...Did you just call me a pea?
Film Brain: *holds up to fingers close together * This is you. And you're screaming to all the other peas, “Oh, save me! Oh, save me! He's going to eat me!” But I've already eaten the other peas. Om nom nom nom! Hahahahahaha!
Luke: Wow. That's a lot of peas.
Film Brain: Yeah.
Luke: And... I'm just full of them.
Film Brain: Right.
Luke: I am totally full of pea-ness.
Film Brain: You got it.
Luke: So... What are you gonna do?
Film Brain: I will eat your pea-ness!
The rest of the group, having heard only Film Brain's last remark, looks back in shock and disgust. Film Brain back pedals his words as if his life depended on it.
Film Brain: Oh, n-no no no no! I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! It's just---
Joe: Yeah, whatever! You go to the back!
Film Brain: I'm... already at the back.
Joe: Go back further!
Film Brain slows his walking, sulking a little behind the group. At the front of the group, JewWario is playing with his crystal ball. Cinema Snob talks to him.
Snob: So what kind of weapon is a ball?
JewWario: Oh, it can be used for many things! You can use it to throw it at your enemies, or distracting them with it's whimsical dance.
Snob: Hypnotizing them with its cheap novelty?
JewWario: Alright, smart ass, what is your secret weapon?
Snob: I use what all tough heterosexual men use. A whip. *holds up a belt*
JewWario: ...A whip?
Snob: Yes. Ain't no one gonna mess with a man holding this.
JewWario: ...That's a belt.
Snob: I know. They wouldn't let me carry a weapon on the plane, so it's a whip now.
JewWario: *mockingly* Oh, well it certainly is terrifying.
Snob: Hey, I can whip a half a dozen school childrens' ass with this, so shut up!
JewWario: *still mockingly* Oh, you mean like your son, Shia LaBeouf.
Snob: ...You belong in a museum!
As the group walks along, MarzGurl suddenly stops, bringing up her hand to signal the others to stop and accidentally hitting Todd.
MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese * (in subtitles: I smell something in the air.)
JewWario: Well, that didn't sound like Claire Danes.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Silence!)
MarzGurl sniffs the air, as if searching for something.
MarzGurl: *in Japanese * (subtitles: We're being followed.)
The group looks around, confused. Spoony steps forward.
Spoony: Yeah, look, hun. We no speaky the Miyazaki. If only you spoke the tongues of Elves or Men!
MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: There!)
MarzGurl points ahead of the group at a trio of figures in cloaks brandishing swords. This is the same trio seen at the end of the first part.
The figure in the middle lowers his sword and speaks to the group.
Cloak 1: Greetings, travelers. We are the guardians of Malachite's Hand.
Film Brain: Guardians?
Cloak 1: Yes, there are several of us! All dedicated to keeping those who are not worthy from discovering its true power.
Joe: Hey! We're worthy!
JewWario: Yes, would someone unworthy be wearing something as magnificent as this?
Snob: Or carry a belt?
Cloak 1: If you knew what was best for you, you would turn around and never return.
Spoony: *stepping forward * Let me speak to them. *to the guardians * What do they call you guardians of old?
Cloak 1: We have been named... The Cloaks.
Luke: Why do they call you that?
Todd: Well, obviously because they like wearing go-go boots. What do you think?!
Cloak 1: Turn around now, friends.
Cloak 2: Yes, turn around now!
Cloak 3: Turn around before it's too late!
Spoony: Right! *brandishes his staff*
Cloak 1: I thought we agreed I was going to do all the talking.
Cloak 2: Sorry.
Spoony: There's only one way to handle this!
Spoony reaches a hand in his bag at his side. Paw comes up behind him.
Paw: What's that you have there?
Spoony: Something no wizard should be without!
Paw: Can I have some?
Spoony walks up to the head of the Cloaks.
Spoony: Oh, they might seem mighty, but their power is nothing more then mere fool of a tookery compared to the power of a lightning bolt wielded by an Ishtari!
Todd: *whispering to JewWario* I think that means he's angry.
Spoony: Come, noble warriors! Face the wrath of the master mages!
Spoony takes his hand out of the bag and throws two small baggies at the head of the Cloaks.
Spoony: Two magic! Two magic!
Both groups stand in an awkward silence.
Cloak 1: Well what?
Spoony: That was bird seed!
Cloak 1: Yes?
Spoony: You're supposed to... fall down now, and raise your hands above your head and run back to the supervisor saying you're dead!
They don't move, staring in confusion.
Spoony: Okay, I think I see what the problem is.
He hands his staff to one of the Cloaks to hold as he takes off his hat and moves his beard.
Spoony: Okay, looky here, fanboys. You guys are probably from what, the, uh, that World of Darkness game? Doing the Rock, Paper, Scissors thing? Okay, seriously, lame! Amateur! That's basic level D&D, guys. We're doing the bird seed thing today, okay? I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,” I hit you with the packet, I say “two magic,” lay down on the ground, twitch, and just pretend like you're a hamster, right? Unless you guys are, like, are any one of you guys like a support class, like Warlord or Cleric?
The Cloaks stand in silence.
Spoony: It doesn't matter. Anyway, I hit you. Two magic. So, now you go down.
Spoony attempts to push the cloaked figure to the ground. The figure doesn't move.
Spoony: Come on, now, let's not be childish about this. Okay? *He keeps shoving, to no avail.* Hngh! Ungh! Okay, easy, we can do this! Hurk! Down! Eh! Eh! Ugh! *He finally gives up. * Ugh! Okay! Okay! If that's the way you guys wanna play it, I'm simply gonna have to report you guys to the game master. You guys are in serious trouble. You guys are never gonna play this game again, you know.
The head Cloak lets out a ferocious roar as lightning flashes out of nowhere. Spoony opens his mouth and stares in terror.
Spoony: You know... I've suddenly decided I'm terribly afraid of you.
Spoony puts his beard back on, takes his staff back, and grabs his hat, running back to his group while screaming.
Spoony: This power is beyond any of you!
Joe: *stepping forward * Stand aside, my friends. Let me handle this.
Joe takes out his sword, aiming it at the Cloaks.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother---
Cloak 1: Father.
Joe: Somebody! Prepare to die!
Paw: Don't worry, Montoya! I will help you in your time of crisis! H-tgh-tgh-tgh-tgh!
The head Cloak hands his sword to one of his colleagues and swirls his hands in front of him, summoning a lightning bolt in front of him. Once he's gathered enough of a charge, he throws it at the group. They all dodge and duck out of the way just in time and the ball of lightning explodes in the background.
Paw and Joe: Holy shit!
Todd: Wet yourselves and run!
The group makes a hasty retreat and the three Cloaks pursue. The man in black from the beginning of the first part watches from a distance.