Suburban Knights: Part 3
June 29th, 2011
The Critic and his group continue to make their way through the forest. NC stops, spotting something.
NC: Well, that's lucky.
A lawn chair is shown sitting by itself in the middle of a path. NC looks back at everyone.
NC: Tired, my friends?
NC: As am I. But we have quite a problem. *cut to chair* One chair and several of us. Now, I'm sure there's a perfectly rational adult way to deal with this- Dibs!
Linkara: Dibs! Ah! *looks frustrated*
NC chuckles in triumph and goes over, sitting down as the others look slightly annoyed. The group tries to rest up.
Phelous: *to dolls* That's right, friends. We're gonna rest now!
Linkara approaches the Critic and kneels down beside him.
Linkara: Might I bring up something troubling to you as your noble king?
NC: *doesn't look at him* If I said no, would it matter?
Linkara: Well, don't you think it's odd that there's just a chair in the middle of the forest?
NC: *opens eyes and looks at him* What are you talkin' about, Hamlet?
Linkara: Well well well... Just something as easily movable as a chair just sitting here in the middle of the forest. Almost as if someone was waiting here for a while.
NC: ...That's a good point.
Linkara: Almost as if someone was...watching us.
NC looks around at the seemingly empty forest.
NC: Actually, that's a really, really good point.
Linkara: We best be on our guard.
Linkara: Make sure we're really well-prepared.
Linkara: Don't trust anyone.
Linkara: We need...
Linkara: *holds up binder* A musical number!
Linkara: *singing* We need a musical to start this song now-
NC: Get out of here! We're not singing!
Linkara: *opens binder* Oh, come on! I'm already working on the lyrics. *picks up pencil* By the way, do you know anything that rhymes with castrati?
Linkara flinches and closes the binder, moving away. NC sighs, looking satisfied, and sits back. Meanwhile, 8-Bit Mickey and Bennett urge the Chick and Lupa on. The girls protest all the while.
Bennett: Come on!
8-Bit Mickey: Just do it already!
Bennett: For the good of everyone, just do it! Go!
8-Bit Mickey: Go! Go!
Chick: *sighs* Fine!
The two women approach the Critic.
Chick: Critic, honey, um... There's a little something that we need to talk about.
NC: *leans forward* Yeah? And what's that, ladies?
Lupa: Well, there's a certain article of clothing that you have on that you may not be used to...
Chick: And as such, there's a certain etiquette you might wanna keep in mind while you're...wearing it?
NC: *leans back, exposing his brief-covered crotch* What are you talkin' about?
Lupa: *facepalms* Sweet Jesus.
She walks away, leaving the Chick to deal with this...dilemma. NC continues to show off his crotch while she attempts to make him realize it, gesturing throughout.
Chick: There are certain... There are certain things that sh...should be covered...up.
NC: *oblivious* I know. That's why I got the hat.
Chick: There are... There are certain things that need to remain closed.
NC: *still oblivious* I know, and I for one respect Chick-fil-A for not serving people on Sunday. Now, if only we can get it where they don't serve Christians.
Chick: There are certain things- *gives up* I can see your balls.
Chick: I can see your balls. Like, hanging out of your tighty whities.
NC: *looks down* Oh, good God! *He tugs the skirt down and looks around.*
Chick: I can see your sack.
NC: Oh my God! You could see my junk this whole time? That's terrible! *tugs skirt frantically* How do you ladies walk around in these things?!
Chick: Well, you want us to show you?
The Critic looks up at her. Meanwhile, Phelous is holding his dolls near his ears, as if listening to them.
Phelous: What's that my little friends? You want me to kill Bennett? We can't do that. He hasn't done anything to us. There's no reason to kill him! ...Or is there?
He contemplates this while Bennett watches him from very close by. Meanwhile, Lupa is teaching the Critic how to curtsy as Ponchielli's "Dance of the Hours" plays. He doesn't look amused.
NC: This is so embarrassing.
Lupa: Posture, Critic, posture. You'll never be a lady that way.
NC: I don't wanna be a lady!
Lupa grabs him by the tie, pulling him close.
Lupa: You'll be a lady and like it, panty-wearing sissy!
She lets him go and smiles, and he begrudgingly continues. As the Chick is checking her costume, Ma-Ti's hand and arm come into view, holding a contact lens.
Ma-Ti: I found it.
The Chick gasps.
Ma-Ti: It took me a while, but I finally found it!
Chick: Um... *clears throat and looks over at NC and Lupa* Hey! Little Women! Get over here.
The Critic stops curtsying and walks over, sounding annoyed.
NC: Ma-Ti? What, what, what, what, what, what are you doing here?
Ma-Ti: I found Nostalgia Chick's contact lens. Can I join your mission now?
NC: Um... We'd like to have you, Ma-Ti. We'd really like to, but, um... There's another special mission that we need you for.
Ma-Ti: Really? What's that?
He looks over and spots 8-Bit Mickey sharpening a stick with his blade.
NC: Mickey has erectile dysfunction.
Mickey stops what he's doing and looks up.
8-Bit Mickey: What?!
Ma-Ti: Wooooow! How do you know that?
NC: Doesn't matter. Bottom line is this is a problem that he has to live with every day. Look at the anger on that face. *Mickey stares angrily, shaking his head* Look how tormented he is. That is years and years of pain building up. It's bad. Real bad. And we can't live with it, Ma-Ti. It has to be solved.
Ma-Ti: Couldn't I just buy some Viagra for him?
NC: You could...if it wasn't psychological.
NC: ...Mickey likes goats.
Mickey angrily snaps the stick in two.
NC: Yes. And he can only get it up to goat...porn.
Ma-Ti: They make that?
NC: It's the Internet, Ma-Ti. They have porn for everything. Especially for people as sick, demented, and twisted as Mickey. *Mickey still looks angry as he says this* So go, Ma-Ti. Go to the library! Find information! Everything you can about goat...porn! Find the goat porn, and you'll find the way.
Ma-Ti: But Critic, how...wha...I-
NC: *interrupts* Ah bup bup bup bup! Ma-Ti... The power is yours.
NC: Okay. *pats his shoulder*
Ma-Ti: Okay, I'll find the goat porn.
NC: *to the others* Alright people, let's get movin'!
The Chick sighs and everyone follows as "Dance of the Hours" plays again. Ma-Ti stops Mickey.
Ma-Ti: Don't worry, Mickey. I'll help you overcome your problems with bestiality.
Just then Linkara walks by, hears this, and gives them a weird look before moving forward.
8-Bit Mickey: Well, ah... *lightly punches Ma-Ti's chest* What more could a goatfucker ask for? Alright.
He pats his shoulder and continues on as Ma-Ti looks satisfied, going the opposite way.
NC: *reading the map* God, this thing is so difficult to follow. *moves further ahead* Who would've thought a chain letter would be so difficult?
Group: A chain letter?!
NC: Shouldn't have said that. *turns around*
Lupa: We've been following a chain letter this whole time?
Handsome Tom: Fucker!
NC: Okay, it may have come from an anonymous source, but I swear it's legit! *Everyone looks angry* Oh, by the way, we have to mail this to 50 or more people or else we get bad luck.
Suddenly a loud, deep voice booms through the forest.
Voice: Go no further!
Everyone looks around, a little scared and confused.
Voice: Go no further! I am the Watcher in the Woods. I see all.
NC: Well, what do you want?
Voice: Anyone who wishes to pass must answer three questions correctly. Only then will I allow them admittance. If not, you do not want to know the alternative.
NC: *nods* Alright. Ask your questions.
Voice: Question one: Do you have any money?
Voice: Do your friends have any money?
Voice: Is there any place close by where you can get money?
NC: Not really, no!
Suddenly, Chester A. Bum pops out from behind a tree, holding his cup like a megaphone.
Chester: Okay, you can go.
The Critic and his group roll their eyes and sigh. As they head past...
NC: Does that ever work?
Chester: *glares* It does for people who have MONEY!
Cut to black. Shots of various parts of the forest are then seen with peaceful music, which is swiftly ruined as Spoony's group sprint over a footbridge. Spoony stops near the end and turns around.
Spoony: You shall not pass!
He slams his staff down, only to yelp and run away when his hat is shot off by Cloak 1's magic. The Cloaks approach and Cloak 1 readies and throws another spell. JewWario turns and manages to deflect it off his crotch, yelping and running away. The Cloaks dodge it, and Cloak 3 puts his hand on Cloak 1's shoulder.
Cloak 3: Don't use the magic. You know what it does to you! Besides, you're a lousy shot. *runs off*
Cloak 1: Yes. All I need for them is this. *brandishes sword and runs*
Film Brain and Luke continue to run. FB makes Luke trip, causing him to briefly fall behind before quickly running to catch up. The group run across a field with the Cloaks in quick pursuit. The group eventually stops once they've gotten ahead.
Paw: Ah, at last! A worthy place to call our battlefield!
The group yell and run over to...a children's playground. They get into position as the Cloaks approach.
Marzgurl: *in Japanese, gesturing* (subtitles: Come on!)
The Cloaks start their attack. Paw engages one with his stick.
Paw: Ah, bring it! Bring it! Bring it!
Marzgurl fends one off with her spear as Joe and Snob fight in the background.
Paw: *keeps fighting* Talented now, are you?
Todd: *fighting* Come on! I barely know these guys! I just do music reviews! I don't even like these people!
Cloak 1 comes after Luke. Thinking quickly, he slides down a tunnel slide and Cloak 1 attempts to follow, only to get stuck.
Cloak 1: Ahh! This slide was not made for the husky gentleman!
Luke shrugs and runs off. Meanwhile, Spoony fights off a Cloak with his staff as Todd keeps fighting.
Todd: I can't even tell who I'm fighting! That's not you Joe, is it?
The Snob grabs onto a slider and crosses as the Indiana Jones theme plays, kicking a Cloak in the face. He then slides backwards.
Snob: Ah, crap! *crashes*
Joe hops onto a swing and laughs, engaging Cloak 2 in a sword fight.
Joe: Ah, you are using Capafello's Defense on me, ah? Haha!
Meanwhile, Spoony and Paw take turns fighting Cloaks on either side of them.
Spoony: Go back to the darkness!
Paw: Give into the darkness!
Spoony: Rage will not avail you!
Paw: Rage... More rage!
Cloak 1 yelps as Snob knocks away his sword and grabs it. He goes onto the playground bridge to get away, only to be cornered by Cloak 2 and 1.
Snob: Aw, shit.
After weighing his options, Snob holds up the sword.
Snob: Prepare to meet Kali, in Hell!
He slams the sword onto the "ropes," resulting in nothing but a clang. The Cloaks look at him.
Snob: *nervously* Yeah. I think this is yours. *Hands the sword to Cloak 1*
He quickly pokes Cloak 1 in the eyes and runs past. Spoony keeps fighting and JewWario dodges their attacks.
Todd: *fighting* Ha ha! Take that, you villainous Cloak!
It's revealed he's fighting Film Brain.
Film Brain: *panicking* It's not a Cloak! It's Film Brain! Oh God!
Todd: I don't care! I can't see a thing!
JewWario turns to see Cloaks 1 and 3 behind him. He begins waving his ball around, making them watch it.
Cloak 3: My God, look at that!
Cloak 1: It's hypnotizing us with its cheap novelty!
Marzgurl quickly comes in and knocks both away with her spear. She and JewWario nod to each other. As Cloak 3 lies on the ground, Joe points his sword at him.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is Inigo Montaya. You killed my lawyer.
Cloak 3: Father.
Joe: Whoever! Prepare to die!
He brings his sword down, only to have it knocked away. Cloak 3 knocks him down and attacks, forcing Joe to roll out of the way. Meanwhile, Marzgurl fights with a Cloak, but ends up losing her balance and dropping her spear. The Snob notices this.
He crawls and catches her hand as she hangs on. She looks down at the spear, which is now on the ground.
Snob: Marzgurl... *notices the spear* Marzgurl. Marzgurl. Don't, Marzgurl!
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: I can reach it!)
Snob: Marzgurl. Give me your other hand, honey. I can't hold you!
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: I can reach it! I can reach it!)
Snob: Give me your other hand, h- Marzgurl!
She screams as she falls...down a slide. Snob rests his cheek in his hand, sighing.
Snob: Yeah, this is kinda silly.
As Film Brain and Cloak 1 fight, Todd is shown fighting...a metal pole. FB and Cloak 1 stop to watch him, looking confused as he fights then falls down. The two groups continue to fight, when suddenly...
Voice: 'Scuse me!
The two groups stop and look to see a mother and her daughter staring at them.
Mother: My daughter would like to play on the playground, please.
Spoony: But we're...fighting for the fate of mankind...
Cloak 1: Er... Humanity...
Mother: I don't care what your little D&D friends are doing. This is a public playground, and my little girl wants to play.
Joe: *comes forward* Oh, come on! She's way too old to be in a playground! What, does she believe in Santa Claus too? *chuckles*
The girl looks shocked, and her mother looks angry. Cloak 1 slaps Joe on the back of the head.
Mother: *through gritted teeth* Get. Off. Now!
The girl runs through the playground and slides while Spoony's group and the Cloaks stand off to one side.
Snob: Well, this is embarrassing.
Spoony: We must make haste to another battlefield! One where parent's permission matters not!
The two groups run off together and end up finding a much smaller, less impressive playground.
Paw: *sighs* It's not as good as the last one.
Film Brain: The other one had sand castles!
Cloak 1: *shrugs* It'll have to do.
He moves forward, gesturing for them to follow, and points to the bottom of the slide and top of some stair-like structure.
Cloak 1: Alright. Cloak Number 2, I think you were there. Cloak Number 3, a little further up if you don't mind. *They get into position* Alright, are we ready to get this fight back on the road?
They turn around, only to see that Spoony's group has vanished.
Cloak 3: Son of a bitch!
Cloak 1: I guess we were a little too assuming.
Cloak 3: Son of a bitch!
Spoony's group continue on their way.
JewWario: Boy, they really thought that we were Boy Scouts, didn't they?
Marzgurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: A little too assuming.)
Spoony: Pray those cloak-ed devils no hither no more. Onward to adventure!
As they walk on...
Todd: Say, you didn't lose the map in the battle, did you?
Spoony: Ha! What sort of half-baked wizard do you take me for?
Pan down to see the map's now lying on the path.
Todd: Do you really want me to answer that?