Suburban Knights: Part 5
July 1st, 2011
The video opens up on the exterior of a house, then cuts inside to a room with cheap paneling on the walls and clutter all over, and finally cuts to a door. The door opens with a creak, and NC pokes his head inside and looks around.
NC and Benzaie walk up a flight of stairs.
Benzaie: Are you sure about this? Just… breaking into a person’s home?
By now, 8-Bit Mickey has joined NC and Benzaie on the stairs. NC pulls out the map.
NC: Well, it’s what the map says. “Go down the Chestnut, nearest in sight, where the brick castles lay, third one on the right.” This is Chestnut Road, and this is the third house on the right, so it’s got to be it.
8-Bit Mickey: Hey, uh, Critic? Is this gonna take long, 'cause I’m a little concerned about Phelous. I don’t think he’s doing all right.
NC, Benzaie, and 8-Bit Mickey look down the stairs. Cut down the stairs to Phelous, staring at his hands, clearly stunned and possibly coming unhinged. Linkara, just a few steps above Phelous, looks on in concern.
Phelous: They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?! My little friends! I just couldn’t hold on to them!
Cut to a shot looking up the stairs at NC, Benzaie, 8-Bit Mickey, and Linkara staring at Phelous.
NC: I’m sure he’ll be fine. Let’s go downstairs!
The four of them turn and prepare to go down the stairs when they are surprised by Ma-Ti appearing at the door. Lupa and Handsome Tom stand off to one side.
Ma-Ti: Oh Critic! I found a great book for Mickey! It’s called Goatfuckers for Dummies!
Benzaie: How does he keep finding us?
Ma-Ti continues undaunted, while NC stalks down the stairs towards him.
Ma-Ti: According to this book, Mickey’s problem stems from the fact that he’s emotionally disconnected from others. Mickey, I understand you. And I accept you.
Mickey shrugs and gives Ma-Ti two thumbs up. NC walks up to Ma-Ti, teeth clenched in a grimacing smile.
NC: Ma-Ti! Good job. Really, really, good job. I am so proud of you!
Ma-Ti: So does that mean I can finally be part of your special team?
NC: Almost, Ma-Ti. Almost. There’s just one more tiny little mission I want you to run-
NC is interrupted by Ma-Ti.
Ma-Ti: This is stupid! You always send me on these stupid missions, and they don’t amount to anything! And they’re stupid! Your team doesn’t want me because you think heart does nothing. Nothing!
NC: Ma-Ti! That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Ma-Ti: Okay. What’s this special mission you want from me!?
NC: The special mission is…
MT looks expectantly.
NC: Go get me a coffee.
NC pats Ma-Ti on the cheek and walks away. Cut to Benzaie and Linkara walking down the stairs and away. Ma-Ti, stunned, turns and leaves. Cut to another room, where NC pokes his head around a corner again.
NC: Uh-oh. This place is occupied.
Cut to a long-haired man sitting in a recliner.
Chick: I can use my Elvish magic to distract him.
The Nostalgia Chick walks up to long-haired man, waving her arms. 'The Chick waves her hands in front of her, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various shots of the Chick are shown: speaking unsubtitled Elvish, saying "Who's your daddy?" repeatedly, and later some sort of African click language, making waves with her tongue, spinning, and doing the Macarena. The LHM seems unfazed.
Long-Haired Man: You guys are here for the quest thing, right?
The Chick drops her hands, disappointed. 8-Bit Mickey and NC look at each other.
8-Bit Mickey: Yeah.
LHM: It’s over there.
NC and 8-Bit Mickey follow LHM’s directions, while Chick looks at LHM, clearly put out. She walks away, muttering.
Chick: Consider yourself lucky. I would’ve enchanted your ass.
The team finds a leather-bound book sitting on a desk. NC picks it up and starts to open it.
Benzaie: What is this?
NC has opened the book and starts to thumb through the pages.
Linkara: Looks like a book of spells.
NC: Energy beams, tracking spells…
Lupa comes up from behind NC and points to a page.
Lupa: Hey, there’s a bookmark there. What’s that page say?
NC pulls up the post-it note serving as a bookmark and reads the page.
NC: Klaatu barada necktie.
The book begins to glow and shake, causing NC to drop it. The book continues to glow and a man in disheveled hair, glasses, and a Hawaiian shirt materializes in front of the team.
Man: Oh... Oh, what a rush, man.
Cut to the Mysterious Person walking along a trail. He stops and looks behind him, then turns and quickly heads back the way he came. Cut back to the room and the disheveled man.
Benzaie: Hey, that’s the guy from the TV.
NC: Yeah, you’re Chuck Jaffers.
Linkara: What the heck were you doing in a book?
Jaffers: Oh, well, that’s Malachite’s book, man. He’s the one who put me in there.
NC: Wait a minute. Malachite, as in, “Malachite’s Hand” Malachite? He did this?
Jaffers: Oh yeah. He found out what I was doing and wasn’t too happy. That dude is messed up.
NC: How long have you been in there?
Jaffers: Um… What year is it?
Jaffers: Thirty years, man! That’s gotta be a record!
Chick: So what have you been doing trapped in a book all this time?
Jaffers: Reading, mostly. A lot of reading.
NC: That’s not important. Who is this Malachite guy, and how do you know him?
Jaffers: Well, first I thought he was just a hardcore D&D player. A little too hardcore. I was researching a LARP game I wanted to write called “Gauntlets of Razzmatazz.” He seemed into it. A little too into it. So I was doing some research on the gauntlet, and he was obsessed. Too obsessed! He went on and on about how he’d been searching for it for all these years. *Jaffers pulls out a photograph.* And I dug it, man, I really dug it. The way he made it all sound – he made it sound all real. *Jaffers begins to hand the photo over to NC, who reaches for it, but Jaffers pulls it back at the last second.* A little too real. *NC grabs the photo.* And that’s when it hit me. *He hits himself in the head.* It was real! But I was too late. A little too, too late.
Linkara comes up behind NC.
Linkara: *muttering* One of our greatest thinkers.
NC looks at the photo. It’s the Mysterious Person.
Jaffers: So I grabbed all my research – everything on the gauntlet – and high-tailed it. Then, using the last clues I assembled from Tobin’s Spirit Guide, I finally found where the gauntlet was buried. But I couldn’t let him have it! I knew that if he ever got his hands on that device, it’d be bad voodoo for everybody. So I tried to banish him into this book, but that didn’t go as well as I’d planned.
At the back of the team, Phelous has another breakdown.
Phelous: Big! Strong! Hands!
Rest of the Team: Shut up!
Jaffers: Fortunately, I left the bookmark in the book, so you picked up right where I left off – the resurrection spell!
NC: But what about the gauntlet?
Jaffers: Well, I hid it in another location. That’s what the game and map were for. So only the true of heart could find it.
Lupa: Well, then why couldn’t this Malachite guy find it?
Jaffers: Well, Malachite has no love of games, and no heart to screw around with kids’ stuff like riddles, man. You have to have dreams, imagination, the brains of a five-year-old.
Bennett: Well, that’s us.
Jaffers: This whole thing I wrote is a quest, something for those who love fantasy – want to keep it alive, man. Unlike him. That’s why I had my friends serve as obstacles.
8-Bit Mickey: Obstacles?
NC: Wait a minute. Those nutballs chasing us – those were your friends?
Jaffers: Well, yeah. I even taught them a bunch of the magic that Malachite taught me. Dark stuff.
Benzaie: Oh, so that’s why they can do all those things.
Jaffers: Yeah. As I said, once Malachite found out what I was up to, he banished me into the book. Well, until you guys came along. Hey, did you guys ever hear “The President Worse Than Carter?”
Linkara: I don’t get it. Why would he just leave the book here?
Jaffers: I guess he just figured no one would ever look for it here.
The team looks back at LHM, still staring at the television.
NC: I can see that. But, Jaffers, where did this Malachite guy come from?
Jaffers: Oh, well, you see that is an epic tale. For many centuries ago- Wait, who are you guys, anyway?
NC: Oh. We’re internet reviewers. We’re looking for the gauntlet.
Jaffers: Internet? Not that Defense Department bullshit?
NC: Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s a completely different place now.
Lupa: No, now it’s just a place for people to bitch about useless shit…
Benzaie: Purchase mail-order brides…
Bennett: Oh, and porn!
The team loudly agrees with him.
Jaffers: Oh man. Aww, no, no, no. No, that’s sick! That’s – that’s not gonna do at all! I mean, it’s supposed to be, like, only the pure of heart can find the gauntlet, and you guys… *The team smiles. Bennett cheerfully shoots a finger gun at Jaffers.* No, this isn’t gonna work at all. I’m, uh, I’m afraid I’m gonna, y’know, like, have to kill ya. *Jaffers searches a nearby shelf. The team is confused. Jaffers finds a pistol, but can’t load it correctly, muttering to himself as he fiddles with the gun.* Hold on. Just don’t go anywhere. *He finally gets the clip loaded.* Oh, there we go. Oh, crap, the safety’s on. *Jaffers continues to fiddle with the gun.*
NC: Do we, uh…
Jaffers: Just give me one second here. *He messes with the gun once more.* Perfect. *He slides the slide back.* All-righty.
Jaffers fires at the team, but misses.
The team bolts out of the room, all while Jaffers continues to fire haphazardly. Phelous, passing by, continues to whine about his strong hands. LHM waves goodbye to the team as they leave. Benzaie, passing by, calls out for Crom, while NC tells everybody to “go, go, go!”
NC: *stopping short* The map!
NC turns back to get the map, but leaves anyway, as Jaffers is still shooting in every conceivable direction. The team runs out the door and leaves the house. Back inside, Jaffers approaches LHM.
Jaffers: Hey, man, thanks for letting me stay here for thirty years. I was trapped in a book.
Cut to a trail in the woods, where the three Cloaks walk menacingly toward the camera.
Film Brain: Hey guys! Wait up! *The Cloaks turn back and see Film Brain, now himself a Cloak, but still as skinny and not menacing at all, walking through a field.* You’re all taller than me and you’re faster than I can!
Cloak 2: We gotta get rid of this guy. He’s seriously ruining our image!
Cloak 1: You think I don’t know that?
Cloak 3: Let’s ditch the limey freak!
Cloak 1: No. Anyone converts to our side is a valued asset.
There is a crash off screen.
Cloak!Film Brain: Ow! I think I sprained my ankle. Can one of you carry me?
Cloak 1 sighs. Cut to Cloak 2 carrying Cloak!Film Brain.
C!FB: It’s such a wonderful day outside. Why don’t we skip this guarding tosh and pick some flowers? *He gasps in delight.* I could make a nice flower garland for you, Cloak Number Two!
Cloak 2: *Putting C!FB down* Right! Group meeting!
The three Cloaks huddle together.
C!FB: Oh boy, guys! What are we going to talk about?
Cloak 1: Look! A butterfly!
C!FB dashes off to follow the butterfly while the other Cloaks resume their huddle.
Cloak 2: Fine! Get a new Cloak Number Two!
Cloak 1: Okay, okay. *The Cloaks end their huddle.* Okay, alright. Uh, Cloak Number Four! *C!FB turns back to the others.* What’s your favorite kind of tree?
C!FB: *looking away at some foliage off the trail* Oh my! There are plenty of really great trees in this forest. Of course, none of them are oak, but, you know, that doesn’t matter! *The Cloaks begin to run away.* I mean, look at the green on those trees over there – that is amazing! And it’s not even in season! I mean, it’s not even in full bloom yet- *C!FB realizes the Cloaks are gone.* Hey, wait, you guys!
Cut to a parking lot, where the Cloaks are in a silver sedan. Cloak 3 is pressing Cloak 1 to pull away, but C!FB catches up to them.
C!FB: Wait! Wait! Come back! I can be a Cloak too! *The sedan pulls out onto the street.* We had cars?!? Why were we walking the whole time?!?
C!FB is rushed from the side by MarzGurl and pinned to a tree. He begins to weakly flail at her arm holding him there.
MarzGurl: *speaking Japanese* (subtitles: By the satanic powers of Kiki, I demand that you stop!)
Luke: It’s okay, Film Brain. We’re gonna get you back to normal.
Cinema Snob: It’s no use, Luke. He’s gone to the space between spaces.
Luke: It looks like he’s been hypnotized. Is there any way to hypnotize him back?
Meanwhile, C!FB continues to flail at MG’s arm.
JewWario: *bringing up his crystal* Here, grab my ball.
Luke: *closing his eyes* I’m turning around now. That had better be what I think it is. *JW rolls his eyes. Luke turns around and sees the crystal.* Oh, good.
Luke takes the crystal and waves it in C!FB’s face.
Luke: You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer.
C!FB: I’m a brilliant internet reviewer.
Luke: *pauses briefly, then continues to wave the crystal* You’re an internet reviewer. You’re an internet reviewer.
C!FB: I’m an internet reviewer. *He slowly starts waving his head to match the crystal.* Luke… MarzGurl…
Angry Joe: All right, we got him back!
FB: *pulling back his hood and mask* What’s going on?
Todd: You were hypnotized, man. Apparently they had power over the phenomenally weak-minded.
FB: Luke! You came back for me!
Luke: Well, hey, it’s not like you wouldn’t have done the same for me.
FB: *pauses* Well, now I would’ve.
Paw: What the hell are we standing around here for? There’s magic to find!
Team 2 leaves. AJ pulls off FB’s hood and mask.
FB: How close are we?
AJ: Pretty close, man. We only got one more place to go.
Cut back to LHM, still watching TV. The Mysterious Person (that is, Malachite) strides in.
LHM: Oh, you here for the quest thing? It’s over there, man.
Malachite: Where is Jaffers?
LHM: Oh, he got out of the book.
Malachite: So he’s loose?
LHM: I guess so. *getting up from his recliner* Uh, I’m just going to get some popcorn for Harry and the Hendersons. You want some?
LHM tries to walk past Malachite, but he grabs LHM’s arm. Malachite drops his staff, and looks at LHM.
Malachite: You made an altar to this god, haven’t you? This god of brightly colored nonsense. Survivor, Lady Gaga, Judge Judy, Glee. Colosseums for the damned. You’d rather watch greater failures make less of a difference than you. That makes you far worse than a soulless talking head. That makes you… a human being.
LHM: I just asked if you wanted some popcorn.
Malachite: What do you think of the 21st century?
LHM: It sucks except for the technology.
Malachite attacks LHM and pulls out a human heart.
LHM: Dude, that’s my heart.
LHM falls to the ground. An otherworldly sound fills the scene as Malachite grimaces in extreme pain. He races to a nearby bathroom and nearly collapses on the sink. He looks up at the mirror and removes his sunglasses, revealing blacked-out eye sockets. He puts the sunglasses back on.
Malachite: All right… Less magic. *Still panting from the pain, he leaves the bathroom and collects his staff. LHM is lying on the floor.* Don’t get up. *Malachite leaves the house.*
Cut to the woods, where Team A is looking demoralized – except for Lupa, who still looks enchanted.
Benzaie: So what do we do now?
NC: I don’t know. I tried giving a call, but I can’t reach anybody.
Lupa: Maybe an evil witch got in the way of the reception.
NC: *sarcastically* Yeah, yeah, that must be it.
Linkara: Perhaps there was some type of sorcerer’s interference.
NC: Yeah, could be.
Bennett: You know, Critic, to answer the phone, the phone must answer you.
NC: All right, I’ve had it! *He stalks a few feet ahead and turns to the group.* Everybody just shut up! This whole character LARP-y thing didn’t work, all right? It was a total waste of time! I don’t even want to find the gauntlet anymore – it’s not worth the effort.
Benzaie: But, Critic, what if Malachite finds it?
Chick: Yeah, from the sound of it, everyone’s going to be screwed if he gets a hold of it.
NC: I don’t know– How do we even know this Malachite guy is still alive? I mean, how could he live for so long?
Linkara: I told you, it’s ma-
NC and Linkara: it’s magic bitch!
NC: Well, you know what? I’m starting to believe it. And just like Link, I’m starting to become sick to death of magic! I’m sick of all these magical idiots using their potions on me. I mean, for God's sake, can’t they use a normal sword?! Can’t they play fair?! And… *NC is starting to rant* I’m sick of Zelda never being able to save herself. I always gotta go in and save her all the friggin’ time! And how come whenever I hit a chicken a bajillion other chickens come flying at me! I mean what the hell, or are they just hiding somewhere? Do they have a secret club? I mean... *NC starts making incoherent fighting noises* I mean, for God’s sake, if I find the magical bastard who started that chain letter, I’d give him a- *NC stops short* It’s Malachite. Malachite sent that chain letter. He was waiting for someone to go after it. Someone clever enough…
8-Bit Mickey: And greedy.
NC: And ingenious enough…
8-Bit Mickey: And greedy.
NC: And determined enough to follow through with it.
8-Bit Mickey: You know, you really are greedy.
Benzaie: Well, even if that was true, how could he be following us?
Lupa: Well, the book said something about a tracking spell. Maybe he’s tracking the map.
NC: Well, we don’t have the map. But Team B does. He must be tracking that to the gauntlet.
Chick: And we can’t contact them.
Bennett: Holy crap, we gotta get there before they do!
NC: You’re right. Phelous, inspire us! Say something stoic!
Phelous: I wanna die!!!
NC: Perfect. Come on everybody. We gotta find that thing and fast. This ain’t no game anymore.
Critic turns around and is shocked to find a figure standing in a burgundy cloak.
Figure: None shall pass.
NC: Oh, knock it off, jerkhole! We’re in a hurry!
Figure: You are searching for unspeakable power.
Linkara: And it’d go a lot faster if you got out of the way.
Figure: *the camera is zooming in on him* But a great evil searches for it too.
Lupa: Sort of why we need to get going.
Figure: *camera even closer* He will never stop until he finds it.
NC: Okay, enough of this. *NC pulls his sword.*
Figure: *camera still closer* Your destiny awaits you.
NC walks up to the Figure.
NC: Eat lead, you fairy dropping!
NC raises his sword to strike the Figure, who blocks it with his arm. The camera spins around to show the Figure raising his mask.
Team A is all very happy to see Suede, except for Lupa. NC and Suede hug.
NC: How you doing, man? Holy smokes, I can’t believe it! What have you been doing with yourself?
Suede: Oh, I’m an obstacle. You know how it is...
NC: No kidding you’re an obstacle! Holy smokes!
Lupa: Who is that?
Chick: Oh, that’s That Dude in the Suede. He used to do reviews for the site.
NC: *to Suede* That thing with your voice– How did you do that?
Suede: *dropping his voice low* It's just something I can do, you know what I mean?
NC: That’s incredible, man, that’s incredible! Oh, it’s great to see ya! Oh, hey, hey, hey- We’re looking for Malachite’s Hand. Do you know where that is?
Suede: ‘Well, of course I do. I’m an obstacle, for goodness sake.
Suede: *pulling down his sword from over his shoulder* Oh, but first you must defeat me in mortal combat.
Suede: Oh, touch my sword. *NC taps Suede’s katana with his sword.* Oh, I am defeated, Let’s get out of here.
The rest of Team A catches up to NC and Suede. Everyone heads down the trail.
Benzaie: Oh, Suede! It’s good to see you!
Suede: Benzaie? I thought you hated me.
Benzaie: Benzaie does hate you, but Conan loves you.
Suede: Oh, all right then.
NC: Hey, Suede, what is the story behind this Malachite guy anyway?
Suede: Okay, let me fill you in. A long time ago…
Fade to black. To be continued…