Suburban Knights: Part 6
July 2nd, 2011
Shot of the woods, from which Spoony's group comes out
Todd: So, this seems to be the last location.
A house is shown
JewWario: How do we get in?
Joe: I'll handle this!
Cut to a door. A door bell is heard, and it opens, showing the person who lives there. Then it cuts to Spoony's group, where Joe has his sword unsheathed. A Spanish guitar is heard.
Joe: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my hamster!
Snob: That's not even a person!
The door is slammed. Joe looks frustrated
Snob: dragging Joe besides him to take his place Alright, stand aside, amateur.
Door bell is rung again, the door opens.
Snob: Hi there! We represent "The Broadway Better Business Players For a Brighter Tomorrow". We're trying to start a petition to get second rate shows taken off the marquee, and with your help we can stop Mamma Mia! from ever playing again.
House owner: Oh, thank goodness. Come in, come in!
The crew is shown entering the house
House owner: laughing You know, for a second there, I thought you were all insane!
Snob: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Spoony closes the door
House owner: Is that duct tape?
A duct tape-unrolling sound is heard. Cut to inside the house, where the house owner was bound to her couch, and Film Brain analyzes the map
FB: According to this, we must dig through the floor to find the Voice of the Ancient World, and once found, he will lead us to the gauntlet.
Spoony: Then, let's get digging!
'Everyone says "yeeeah" and raises their weapons, presumably to hit the floor
House owner: I have a basement.
Everyone goes down the stairs to the basement. Down there, they all get shocked at discovering Ask That Guy with the Glasses
AskThatGuy: Hello. Didn't hear you come in.
FB: What are you doing here?
AskThatGuy: That's a very good question. And the answer is: you're not the only one that has an internet show to shoot, you know?
Paw: Yeah, but... what are you doing in this woman's house?
AskThatGuy: I think the real question is: what is she doing in *my* house.
Snob: Whatever. Is there a Voice of the Ancient World down here?
AskThatGuy: Certain. It's right back there.
The crew enters a different room
Spoony: Something tells me it's in there!
A small chest with a note written "DOES NOT CONTAIN VOICE OF THE ANCIENT WORLD" is shown
Snob: That's the box of a carpenter.
The Snob grabs the locket as Luke reads the map
Luke: It says that the voice has been around longer than time itself. And that it has all the answers we need.
Snob: Well, here goes nothing.
The Snob opens the locket. A small ball of light comes out, as dramatic music plays. The ball of light starts talking - and his voice is quite familiar
Voice of the Ancient World: Yeah, what?
Everyone stands silent
Spoony: Are you the Voice of the Ancient World?
Voice: Yeah, what about it?
Paw: You don't sound very ancient.
Voice: And you sound like an ass! What's it to ya?
MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese* (in subtitles: How rude.)
Voice: Yeah, your mother was a bitch and your father was a bull! I guess it makes you a bullshitzu! Ha, ha, ha!
MarzGurl: saddened *Japanese* (in subtitles: I have feelings too.)
Voice: So what do you pricks want? I'm a voice! I've got shit to do!
Joe: Hey, you're not very nice!
Voice: Oh, hey, hey, hey, guess what?
Voice: Fuck you!
Joe: Fuck you!
Voice: Fuck yoooou!
Joe: Fuck you!
Todd: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, we got carried away here! Look, thinks for a while Voice, we're not here to start anything, we're just here to learn about the gauntlet, Malachite's Hand.
Voice: Malachite's Hand? Now that I know a great deal about.
Todd: How much do you know?
Bright flash. Cut to images showing the story as the Voice tells it.
Voice: Long ago, in the early years before the Common Era, there lived two good friends, an alchemist and a sorcerer. The alchemist was named Aeon, the sorcerer was named Malachite. Both were the absolute masters of their craft. Aeon taught Malachite the ways of science, chemistry, metal and wheels. In turn, Malachite taught Aeon the ways of magic, spells, sorcery, and the secret rites of the occult. But then the great king summoned Aeon to his throne, for he was his most trusted advisor. The king told Aeon he wanted to devote all his power into creating the strongest force on Earth. So, he asked which was more powerful, science or magic. If magic was chosen, Malachite would be put in charge, and though Aeon was a good friend, he knew that Malachite had a dark, brooding heart, and could not risk his power possibly destroying the land. So Aeon responded "In reason and science is where our future lies." The King agreed and gave Aeon all the control he needed to perfect his craft. Once word reached Malachite of this news, he felt betrayed and challenged Aeon in a battle to the death. Malachite created a magic stone that would give him unlimited power. He attached the stone to his gauntlet, also known as Malachite's Hand. But Aeon, through the science of alchemy, crafted a ring made from lodestone that could reflect Malachite's magic back to him. So the battle begun. The two fought for hours, science versus magic, light vs. dark. Explosion sounds Mountains crumbled and the world shook. Screen goes black for a moment But in the end it was Aeon who rose triumphant. But because of their friendship, Aeon did not kill him. Instead, he removed the gauntlet and buried it somewhere safe in the depths of the Earth. For every time a sorcerer uses magic he drains his life force, and the gauntlet was the only thing that gave Malachite eternal magic with no repercussions. So Malachite stopped using magic, allowing him to live longer and longer, watching the world of magic fade, and the world of science and technology consume the Earth. Thus he spent the rest of his days vowing to find the gauntlet again, and destroy the pitiful world that science and technology had created.
Cut to the reviewers
Snob: How is it this Malachite can live so long?
Voice: One of the first spells he casted with the gauntlet was eternal youth, so he can live as long as he wants, so long as he doesn't use any more magic.
FB: What happened to Aeon? What happened to him and his creations?
Voice: Hell if I know! He probably died like anyone else! His creations? Passed down through time, setting off a chain of events that evolved into the technological world we see today.
Paw: We're actually trying to find the gauntlet that Malachite's looking for. You know where it is?
Voice: Oh, fuck no! I ain't telling you guys that!
FB: Well, why not?
Voice: 'Cause if you guys find it, you'll do God-knows-what with that shit!
JewWario: No, no, really! After hearing all of that, I think we want to keep it safe!
Voice: No, no, no! You guys are going to fuck it up!
Joe: Hey, listen here, you sound bite...
Voice: Hey, my mother was a sound bite! Fuck this shit, man, I'm outta here!
The Voice flies above the reviewers out of the room
The Voice goes up the stairs
The reviewers come out of the room
Spoony: Well, great! Now what the hell do we do?
FB: Wait, who put that note on the box anyway?
AskThatGuy: Oh, I did.
MarzGurl: *Japanese* (in subtitles: You did?)
AskThatGuy: Yeah. I put it there so it wouldn't be too obvious where it was.
FB: Well, is there anything else you wouldn't want to be too obvious?
AskThatGuy: Absolutely! This sheet of paper that says exactly where the gauntlet is located!
Spoony: Can we see it?
AskThatGuy: Sure. Have a looksie.
Hands over the paper to Film Brain. He gives a startled look.
FB: Oh, you've...
Cut to the Nostalgia Chick and 8-Bit Mickey far away
Chick: ...got to be...
Return to Todd
Cut to the Nostalgia Critic, in the same place the Chick is
NC: ...KIDDING ME!
The field where they started is shown
NC: IT'S RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!?!?
Suede: Oh, yes indeed. That was Jaffers' idea. For you see, only the true of heart...
NC: OH, SHUT UP!
Cut back to the basement
Snob: I hate today.
Todd: I need a stiff drink.
Spoony: Hold on, my friends! Through the peaks and valleys of...
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Spoony passes by, saddened
Luke: Alright, we gotta hurry before this Malachite guy figures out any of this.
Paw: Aren't we forgetting something? points down then up
Luke: Oh, yeah.
Cut to the living room, where the house owner's bound are removed. The Snob talks to her as the rest of the team leaves the house and Angry Joe stands behind her
Snob: And in conclusion to our strongly worded apology, we would appreciate it if you didn't hold us liable for any damages, injuries, property-wise or psychological. Um... Yeah, this has all been just a dream.
Joe punches her head and knocks her out. The Snob looks down
Snob: Let's go!
A fanfare is heard as the two run out of the house
Cut to the field, as the reviewers from the Critic's group enter it
Linkara: So where's the frigging thing anyway?
A storm drain is shown
Suede: It's over there... in the Storm Drain of Secrets.
NC: Okay. Everyone, be on your guard. Will somebody cheer up Phelous?
Phelous: in a lamenting voice, looking at his hands BIG, STRONG HANDS!
The Critic is about to go down, when Lupa stops to reprimand him, to which he replies by bowing down and starting to do the motions she taught him. She smiles in response. A kneeled Critic puts his hands inside the drain
NC: I think I feel it... It's duct taped to the pipe. I think I got it! I got it!
A ripping sound is heard as the Critic rises with a bag in his hand. The "item fanfare" from the Zelda series plays
Everyone nods in approval, then an armored person rises behind the Critic and everyone gets a worried face. The Critic looks back just as the "knight" tries to hit him with a sword
The Critic ducks, and the sword misses.
Jaffers: Oh man! I missed!
The Critic lifts the helmet's lid to reveal Jaffers
Jaffers: Oh, hey. The internet reviewers! Hey man, I just found out what the internet is... You guys are awesome!
NC: Oh, that's great, really great. Are we cool now?
Jaffers: No, I still gotta kill you.
NC: Of course.
Jaffers raises his sword, but Phelous stops it as he tries to attack again
Phelous: HANDS OFF MY FRIENDS!
Benzaie: Phelous, you're back!
Linkara: I guess he realized that true friends are made of flesh and blood and not of material possessions.
Phelous: Come on, you guys. putting his hood down That was a character I was playing! You take this way too seriously!
NC: Yeah, well, could you knock him out for me, please?
Phelous punches Jaffers
NC: Thank you.
The reviewers come closer as Phelous holds Jaffers by his neck. The Critic tries to open the bag.
Jaffers: to Suede Oh, hey man! Weren't you one of my obstacles?
Suede: Um, sort of. The other obstacle took a desk job in Boise. I'm just the temp.
Jaffers: Well, thanks for betraying me, you rotten kiwi.
Suede: snickers Go suck a popsicle!
The Critic unrolls the package. When it's done, he doesn't believe what he sees
NC: This is the gauntlet?
Jaffers: Oh, no. The gauntlet was too ugly, man. The jewel is all that matters. So I put it on a more fitting weapon. No one has seen anything like it. camera pans down on a Nintendo Power Glove with the jewel incrusted in it Born in a secret Japanese laboratory, smuggled out by American industrialist spies, the latest in Space Age technology!
Mickey: I'm not gonna lie. That is friggin' awesome!
Tom: I'm Willow!
Mickey: Yes. Yes you are.
NC: Well, bottom line, we have to find another place to hide this! Come on!
Jaffers: NO! The Storm Drain of Secrets was perfect!
NC: Oh, get a haircut, hippie!
Jaffers gets free and attacks the Critic.
Jaffers: Give me the Hand!
The two briefly fight for the glove before Jaffers is thrown away
NC: Back off, man! points at Glove Don't make me use this on you! He notices the stone isn't there Where'd the stone go? Where'd the stone go? Look around, look around, try to find the stone!
Everyone starts looking at the ground
Jaffers: Oh, oh. Aw, hell with it, man! You guys aren't worthy enough to hide the gauntlet!
NC: Oh, will you piss off already?
Jaffers: Back off, or I'll take it by force!
NC: Yeah? You and what army?
Cut to the street. A car drives by, and reveals the Cloaks, Cat, the Voice and the Warrior Witch. The reviewers jump back, scared
Voice: Yeah, oh yeah!
Jaffers: My guys are gonna rip you a new one!
Jaffers' team runs, but goes back as cars drives by.
Jaffers: Alright. Well, first they're gonna wait for traffic, then they're gonna rip you a new one!
Epic music plays as the Critic unsheathes his sword and turns back to talk to his team
NC: Critics! Reviewers! My brothers! I see in your eyes, the same fear that would take the heart of me! Unlike all the other times we've ever done this, this time we're really fighting for something! A day may come when dark mage threatens to throw us back into the Stone Age! A day may come when the cult of an unwitty hack actually allows him to do it! A day may come when the courage of critics fails, and we break our oath of snark and irony! But it is not this day! Sure, we may have abused science. Really abused it! But that doesn't mean we still can't learn from it! There may be no more shows when the age of technology comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight!
Linkara: He's really getting into this!
NC: So by all the cool gizmos and technological toys that you hold dear on this good earth, stand, reviewers of the Internet!
The guys unsheathes their swords, Sage does an attack pose, Phelous clinches his fists, the Chick extends her hands, and Lupa starts running behind the guys
Cut to Cat's puppeteer growling, and a Cloak holding his sword before returning to the reviewers
NC: to Lupa Shut up!
A Cloak holds his sword and the witch laughs. Suede holds his sword and Sage holds his pose. Cars stop passing and Jaffers' team crosses the street.
The reviewers stand side by side in attack position as Jaffers lifts his sword and rushes, screaming, and his team continues to approach. The Critic imitates Link's scream from the Zelda games as the opponents finally come.
Everyone is attacking each other. The Critic's replica of the Master Sword breaks, and he tries attacking with the stump. Benzaie bites Cat, and Lupa and the Chick team up against the Witch.
Lupa: You better hold on your hat!
Seeing 8-Bit Mickey's dagger, the Critic takes it to attack the Cloaks. The Light flies and punches the reviewers as it laughs. The Witch starts throwing lightning and laughing. A bolt hits Benzaie's sword that then glows.
Benzaie: lifts his sword I HAVE THE POWER! the sword blows and sparks shoot out of it Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Everyone continues to battle. Cat hisses at Lupa, she jumps back.
Lupa: Oh, oh! breaks character Ah, what the hell? bites Cat's hand
During the battle, the Chick grabs Jaffers by his neck and starts rubbing a stone on his face. The Voice floats
Voice: Come, on, ha huh! Come on!
Phelous: Rockbiter smash!
Phelous clasps his hands and grabs the Voice, but the Voice moves in a way Phelous hits himself and falls. The Voice laughs as it's released and flies off.
Everyone keeps fighting. As the Witch laughs and shoots lightning, Suede taps on her shoulder. She turns around
Suede: I find that very vexing. *punches her*
Bennett grabs a Cloak's sword with his hands. Linkara battles another Cloak.
Linkara: *dropping his sword* Oh, screw this! *gets his gun from his back and shoots the Cloak*
Battle continues, with Suede using a sword and a baton to hold off Jaffers. Cut to Mickey and Tom
Mickey: You will believe a boy can fly! Launch me, Tom!
As the battle rolls, Tom spins while holding Mickey
Mickey: I'm flying, Wendy! I'm flying!
Tom throws Mickey, who screams, and crashes into the ground.
Mickey: The current time is 20:55. Thank you for flying Painful Airlines... *passes out*
The Critic battles a Cloak. As Mickey uses the Master Sword's stump on a cloak, Phelous tries holding off another Cloak, and both the Critic and Lupa attack Cat, Benzaie prays to Crom
Benzaie: *thinking* Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. All I ask is that I see Beary again. *the corner of the screen shows Benzaie doing a review with Beary* He's so gentle and kind. I must see him once before I perish.
As scenes of the battlefield are shown, Crom replies
Crom: *sighs* Hello?
Benzaie: *thinking* Crom?
Crom: Yeah, who's this?
Benzaie: *thinking* This is Benzaie! I-I'm a big fan!
Crom: Well, what do you want?
Benzaie: *thinking and smiling* Um, can you help us win this battle?
Crom: Fight your own battle, you schmuck! I'm watching Harry and the Hendersons! Don't ever call me again! *burps*
Benzaie: *angry* Then to HELL with you!
A Cloak punches Benzaie. After some battle, Tom is spinning Mickey again
Tom: Alright, let's try this again. One, two... Mickey falls in the ground
After some battle, the Critic loses his sword. Jaffers holds his own on the Critic's neck
Jaffers: You should have stayed on web!
Jaffers: Whatever! You're gonna die now!
Jaffers pulls his sword and prepares his attack
Spoony: Look to the east!
Spoony is atop the hill, and lifts up his staff
Close-up to Spoony. He oversees the battle
Spoony: The Critic Nostalgia stands alone.
Joe: *comes behind Spoony* Yeah! Shouldn't we help him?
Spoony: Oh, right. TO THE CRITIC!
A bright flash, then Spoony's team, except for JewWario rush towards the battle. Jaffers' team stops fighting the Critic's team and runs after Spoony's. JewWario stands atop the hill and unzips his pants. A bright flash comes from his crotch that blinds Jaffers' team as Spoony & co. attack them. A car passes behind JewWario, the driver honks and whistles.
Battle. Luke and Film Brain tap on Cloak 1's shoulders.
Luke/FB: EXPECTO MY FIST! Both punch Cloak 1 in the face
The Snob fights Cat, then the rest fight the remaining Cloaks. The Voice floats as Todd approaches
Voice: *laughs* Come on! Hey! *Todd grabs the Voice* Let go, you Zorro-sucking maggot!
Todd: BATTER UP!
Cut to Paw holding his staff like a baseball bat and gesturing. Todd throws, and Paw hits the Voice away
Paw: Home run for Profion! *Drops his staff, does a chest-bump with Todd* Yes!
After some swordfighting, Joe stands with his machine gun
Joe: Say hello to my little friend!
Joe shoots, causing Jaffers to scream. Jaffers and a Cloak look scared as Joe's bullets go past them. Lupa, wearing a leather jacket over her dress, comes behind Joe
Lupa: I need a gun!
Lupa gets a gun on Joe's back and fires as well. The Cloak and Jaffers get desperate. Then Joe stops to see Lupa shooting
Joe: Wow. That's strangely hot. *returns to shooting*
After some battle, Spoony faces Cat. He takes the puppet out of the guy's hand
Spoony: Go back to the litterbox, pussy of puppety doom!
Spoony hits the puppet with his staff. The Cat puppeteer acts as if he had a heart attack and faints
As Joe approaches the battle, he notices Suede rising besides him
Joe: Suede? What are you doing here?
Suede: I'm, uh, not much, just FINDING THE STONE!
Suede puts the stone back in the Power Glove.
NC: Let me see that! *grabs the Glove* Ha, ha! We've saved the gauntlet!
Everyone cheers and raises their arms. The Critic smiles, but turns back as he sees the reviewers put down their arms and get worried. Malachite is revealed to be on the other side of the street.