Suburban Knights: Part 7
July 3rd, 2011
The video opens up on Malachite, staring down the camera (and by extension, the cast across the street). Cut to the Nostalgia Critic, looking back at Malachite, worried. He turns around and walks up to Spoony, who is looking like he is in trouble.
NC: You didn’t bring the map with ya, didja?
NC hits Spoony over the head with the Power Glove repeatedly.
NC: Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! That’s how he’s been tracking us!
NC looks back. Malachite is still across the street, staring them down. Malachite begins to cross the street. A car comes right at him, honking as it approaches, but it explodes just as it was about to flatten Malachite, who continues to cross the street as though nothing happened.
Phelous: Oh, this is gonna suck.
Behind Bennett and Lupa, the Cloaks come to.
Cloak 2: It’s Malachite! The evil one!
Cloak 3: Kill him!
Cloaks 2 and 3 rush at Malachite, swords drawn, but Malachite wastes no time in dropping each one to the ground – Cloak 2 with a chop, and Cloak 3 with a kick to the knee and a punch to the neck. Todd frowns, and Mickey tosses what’s left of his sword away in defeat. Jaffers comes to, and gets back to his feet near Malachite, spinning dazedly. He finally stops and pulls his hair out of his eyes.
Jaffers: *seeing Malachite* Oh, hey, it’s you! *Malachite stares Jaffers down.* No hard feelings?
Malachite punches Jaffers into the atmosphere. The reviewers cringe. Cloak 1 raises his sword and prepares to attack. Malachite slowly approaches him. Instead of attacking, though, Cloak 1 pulls off his hood and mask, revealing that he's the Last Angry Geek.
Last Angry Geek: To hell with this! I’m getting out of here! *He runs off*
NC: Wasn’t that the Last Angry Geek? Doesn’t he do reviews for us?
Last Angry Geek: Be sure to watch my show next week! I also have a Facebook page!
Malachite continues to approach the reviewers. The Puppeteer and the Witch Warrior slowly get to their feet.
Witch Warrior: Hey, I know him!
The two are quickly vaporized in a fiery explosion. Malachite continues to approach, acting as if obliterating the two obstacles was no effort to him. NC looks at the reviewers and determinedly approaches Malachite, Power Glove in hand.
NC: *facing down Malachite* Alright, listen, you dark city backwash. You may think you’re pretty tough, but you know what? We’re pretty tough, too. And I’m gonna tell you right now, there is no way that you are ever gonna get your hand on this! *He holds up the Power Glove, but Malachite just telekinetically grabs it from NC’s hand and puts it on.* That son of a…! *He walks closer to Malachite.* All right, you schmuck. Face the taste of my blade!
NC begins to strike, but Malachite, now with the power of the Power Glove, stops NC in his tracks. Using only gestures, he forces NC to repeatedly strike himself in the groin. Five times, six times… The rest of the reviewers cringe. Eleven times, twelve times… Malachite pauses, and then adds a thirteenth time before forcing NC to the ground.
Malachite: *looking over the Power Glove* This is not my original gauntlet.
JewWario: Actually, no, that’s the Power Glove. It’s an invention from the ‘80s.
Malachite fires an energy ball at JW, knocking him down.
Malachite: I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.
Linkara: *stepping forward and drawing his magic gun* Good, bad, I’m the guy with the magic gun.
Linkara twirls the gun and fires three times, but Malachite catches every bullet and literally returns fire with a fireball sent at the reviewers. Everybody ducks. Joe and Lupa step forward, each brandishing a machine gun.
Joe: 'Allo. My name is Amigo Toyota. *Everybody facepalms at Joe’s inability to get the line right, but Malachite stares on, unfazed.* Whatever! You killed my father! Prepare to die! *He and Lupa fire their guns, but Malachite deflects each one with a spin of his staff.* Whoa! That was awesome!
Malachite fires an energy ball at Joe and Lupa knocking them down. Spoony rushes in with a battle cry, staff in the air. Malachite prepares to attack. With a jump, Spoony draws his staff, only to have it knocked out by Malachite with one hit.
Spoony: Ohh. Well, um, kinda going out on a long shot here, but, uh… *He throws a packet of birdseed at Malachite. It does nothing. Malachite throws down his staff in disgust and stands right in front of Spoony. With a flick between the eyes, Spoony is launched into the atmosphere. Bennet, Suede, Mickey, Tom, and MarzGurl watch him fly away and disappear with a twinkle. NC finally gets to his feet, groaning.
NC: Okay. Now you’re going down. *Malachite only forces him to hit himself in the groin again.* No you’re not. *NC falls to the ground again.*
With a cry, Mickey runs at Malachite, fists out in front of him like he’s flying. He runs a circle around Malachite, screaming, but stops.
8-Bit Mickey: That’s really all I got. *Malachite kicks Mickey in the chest, sending him back in a blur.*
Nostalgia Chick: *untying her cloak, with Benzaie cringing in the background* Maybe they could use the fey, feminine touch of the elves.
The Chick waves her hands in front of her as she approaches Malachite, causing the scene to brighten. Then, fades of various trees along with various shots of the Chick are shown: speaking unsubtitled Elvish and "Rah rah rah rah rah, Gaga ooh la la, want your bad romance" a la Lady Gaga, and later, waving her hands in her face, biting her lower lip and thrusting her head forward, spinning and crashing into the camera, and gargling. Cut to Todd, Luke, and Bennett looking confused. Cut to Malachite, who is watching the Chick dance in a circle around him, mumbling words like “really sparkly.”
Todd: What’s she doing?
Bennett: I don’t know. She just dances around people and speaks gibberish.
Chick: *continuing to dance and mumble around Malachite* Feminine… Man, this dress is really tight because I’m an elf… Ohhhh...
Todd: Does it work?
Bennett: Well, it does confuse people.
Todd: Well, I guess that counts for something.
Chick: So angry... <p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">The Chick goes in to punch Malachite, but he catches her arm. Malachite prepares to attack the Chick.
Chick: Wait! Stuntwoman!
Nella appears from offscreen wearing a similar dress to the Chick's. <p style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto">Nella/Stuntwoman: *stepping into frame* You summoned? *The Chick motions for Nella to take her place.* Oh. *The Chick steps away, and Nella gets into position with a smile. Just as Malachite is about to punch her, though, she tries to take off her glasses.* Oh, wait, wai-!
Chick: *Cringing as Malachite punches Nella off screen, then smiling* You’re such a good BFF!
Cut to Nella on the ground, smiling and giving the Chick a thumbs-up before collapsing face down in the grass. With a roar, Bennett attacks Malachite and ends up holding his foot. He takes a few punches from Malachite before forcing Malachite into a flip which also knocks him to the ground. Malachite takes his fallen hat and puts it back on.
Snob: *Stepping up to attack, every inch the hero* You betrayed Shiva! *He flails his belt around as if it were a whip. Malachite telekinetically brings over his staff and swings it in front of him, behind his back, and all around. Snob throws his belt to the ground.* You know, I think Shiva will get over it. *Snob turns and runs away.*
NC: *Standing up once more* Oh! Okay, now you’re b- *Once more, Malachite just forces NC to hit himself in the groin.* I’m going down. *He falls down once more.*
With a spin of his staff, Malachite darkens the sky and causes an earthquake. The reviewers all stagger around, Benzaie falling down.
Malachite: *smiling* The world of metal and wheels has come to an end. Your technological dystopia is dying. And its first victims shall be on this field. *The reviewers stop staggering, and NC finally gets to his feet for good. Malachite raises his staff to the sky with a shout, but is stopped by a ringing phone. Malachite looks around, and with a sigh, pulls out a cell phone.* Hello? *The reviewers are dumbfounded.* Oh, hey, what’s up? Uh huh… No, no, no, no. No, put a little milk in there, okay? Yeah. No, no, no, no, that’s a latte. That’s a latte. Yeah... Put a little more foam in it… More foam, less milk, that’s a cappuccino… Just do what you can, I-I’ll come back, I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’m in the middle of something. All right? Okay. Alright, bye. *Malachite hangs up and goes back to staring down the reviewers.*
NC: *waving his sword expectedly* Uhhhh…
NC: That’s a friggin’ iPhone!
Malachite: So what?
NC: So what– That’s technology!
Malachite: No it isn’t.
NC: Yes it is!
Paw: Dude, it’s like having a freaking computer in your hand!
Malachite: Well, I’m just using it for now.
NC: Oh, yeah, and what are you going to do when all of technology is destroyed?!
Malachite: *pauses* Think of something.
NC: “Think of something.” “Think of something.” You are an idiot.
Malachite: Well, at least I’m not a hypocrite.
NC: *He just can’t handle it* Not a hyp- Somebody… I can’t. I can’t. Somebody else talk to him. I simply can’t… I’m sorry. *He stalks off screen.*
JW: *steps in to explain* You see, a hypocrite is someone who says something, but then does something else.
Malachite: *firing off an energy ball at JW, launching him back into Suede and Mickey, who catch him* And I say I will kill you, and follow through with it! Sound good?
Benzaie is holding the Chick, who is visibly scared. Malachite holds his staff in the air, summoning a bolt of yellow energy.
NC: *frantic* Doesn't anyone have any bright ideas?!?
Malachite is beginning to glow with the energy. Luke, Lupa, and MarzGurl are all shown, unable to do anything.
Malachite stops glowing, and, surprised, steps aside to show us Ma-Ti, arm held high.
NC: Ma-Ti! Nooo! *He and the reviewers all try to wave Ma-Ti off.*
Ma-Ti: Oh, I know, Critic. I know. Ma-Ti can’t do anything. Ma-Ti’s totally useless. Ma-Ti can’t possibly be useful for this adventure, can he?
NC: Ma-Ti, seriously, not a good idea.
Ma-Ti: Let me guess, this is a big, bad sorcerer that’s going to kill us all, huh? *The reviewers nod. Ma-Ti turns to Malachite* Well, I have only one thing to say to you, buddy: Go to hell. *The reviewers continue to try telling Ma-Ti to stop.* Go to hell. You think you’re so tough, Mister Supercalifragilistic sorcerer’s apprentice?! Well, you don’t scare me one bit! Haaahhh!
Lupa: No, Ma-Ti, you really don’t understand.
Ma-Ti: No, you don’t understand! I’m tired of being kidnapped by polluting industrialists! I’m tired of getting fifth billing to Wheeler! And stupid Gi! This guy can’t hurt me any more than Ted Turner has, or the Critic, or his friends! *Ma-Ti does air quotes around “friends.”*
8-Bit Mickey: No, seriously, Ma-Ti. He will fucking kill you!
Ma-Ti: You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I’m totally screwed? You don’t- *He turns to Malachite* You’re going to totally rip me apart, aren’t you? *Malachite nods.* Yeah! So I’m not going to be surviving today. But that doesn’t mean I have to go out like a pansy. I’m gonna do what I always do: Pull out my ring, point it at him, and say “Heart!”
At the word “heart,” a ball of purple energy bursts from Ma-Ti’s ring. It hits Malachite and knocks him back. Malachite is stunned. Ma-Ti is intrigued.
Film Brain: *in audio flashback* What happened to Aeon? What happened to him and his creations?
Voice of the Ancient World: *in audio flashback* His creations? Passed down through time, setting off a chain of events that evolved into the technological world we see today.
NC: *Suddenly having an idea* Ma-Ti! The ring! It’s the only thing that can defeat him! Do it again!
Malachite gears up for another attack.
Ma-Ti: Heart! *He shoots another purple energy ball at Malachite, who falls back again.*
Malachite fires off his own green energy at Ma-Ti, who is hit to the ground.
Malachite walks up to Ma-Ti and prepares to deliver the death blow, but he is knocked down by a shouting blue blur. Spoony pops up, quite discombobulated.
Todd: Dude! Did he just hit you around the world?!
Spoony: Actually, I’m pretty sure I saw the sun rise and set twice, so it might have been a few more than that.
Ma-Ti stands up and faces Malachite, who kicks himself upright. He telekinetically grabs his hat and puts it on.
Ma-Ti: *firing at Malachite* Heart. *He fires again.* Heart! *He fires a third time.* Heart!!
Malachite fires his green energy at Ma-Ti, knocking Ma-Ti back. Malachite fires, then Ma-Ti, the two beams meeting in the middle. The Critic leads everyone into cheering Ma-Ti on.
Reviewers: *chanting* Heart! Heart! Heart! Heart! Heart! Heart! Heart! Heart!
As the reviewers continue chanting, Malachite and Ma-Ti grimace more and more as they pour more and more power into their energy beams, though they are still evenly matched. The sky grows brighter and brighter with all the energy.
Ma-Ti: EAT! MY! HEART!
A massive explosion of energy knocks Malachite and Ma-Ti away and whitewashes everything. When it clears, Malachite is gone. His hat falls to the ground.
Reviewers: *cheering* Yeah! *They begin to chant* Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti! *While they chant, Spoony does a goofy dance.*
The chanting fades, however, when NC and the reviewers see Ma-Ti lying on the ground.
NC: Ma-Ti! *He runs toward Ma-Ti, removing his tie on the way. The reviewers all look concerned. NC finds Ma-Ti covered in mud and cradles Ma-Ti’s head* Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti...
Ma-Ti: *weakly* Team out of danger?
Ma-Ti: Don’t grieve, Critic. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh…
NC: *finishing the line* …the needs of the few.
Ma-Ti: Shut up, I’m talking.
NC: Oh, sorry.
Ma-Ti: I never had much use for that stupid ring until now. What do you think of my solution?
Cut to Luke and Film Brain, looking distraught, Luke shaking his head.
Ma-Ti: I have been, and always shall be, your friend. *Ma-Ti’s hand comes up to smack NC in the face.* The power is yours. *Ma-Ti’s hand falls, dragging NC’s glasses off his face with it and catching on NC’s lip. Ma-Ti’s head falls to the ground.
NC: *Seeing that Ma-Ti has died* No… *He turns away, heartbroken*
Fade in to the reviewers in two lines, facing each other. Bennett, no longer wearing his Aslan mane hood, walks somberly down the middle, holding a Quaker-Style Oats canister. Linkara is now wearing a Star Trek II-era Starfleet uniform. Bennett, reaching the end of the line, sets the canister on the ground.
NC: We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead, whom we have cremated and placed in this cardboard canister of Quaker-Style Oats. *Bennett takes his place in the honor guard.* We’d like to thank Todd for handling the cremation, even though I don’t think any of us want to know how or why he did it.
Todd: *looking a cigarette lighter, then at NC* Yeah, it’s probably best you don’t ask.
NC: It should be noted that Ma-Ti’s death takes place in the shadow of a Quaker smile. Ma-Ti died to protect and nourish our hearts, just like oatmeal.
8-Bit Mickey: *to Handsome Tom, whispering* This is so wrong. We should've used Pop Tarts.
Handsome Tom: *whispering back* He would've liked that. *Mickey nods.*
NC: Some say Ma-Ti was worthless. Others say that he had no purpose. Some say he wasn’t the real Ma-Ti at all. He was just some angry Indian who really hated Ted Turner. But regardless, regardless… He didn’t feel his sacrifice a vain, empty one. And who are we to debate a man who’s in a can of oatmeal? That just seems kind of low.
Spoony: I will not say “Do not cry,” for not all tears are an evil.
NC: Of my friend, I can only say this: Of all the souls I’ve ever met on my travels, his was the most...hearty.
Linkara: Orders, hut! *The honor guard stands at attention.* Present arms!
The honor guard draws their weapons: staffs, wands, JW’s crystal ball, and the Chick pulls off her Arwen wig. Paw begins to play “Amazing Grace” on a small reed pipe. NC curtsies and picks up the canister. Standing up, he pats the top and kisses it, and passes it to Tom as Paw continues to play. Tom throws the canister, American football-style, into the sky. The reviewers watch the sky as the sun sets.
NC: *in voiceover* We never did find the gauntlet or the ring. We figured it must have been vaporized along with Malachite. *The funeral scene fades into scenes from reviews by the Chick and Phelous.* As time went on, everybody returned to their normal jobs, reviewing games, movies, or whatever else. I couldn’t help but feel that Ma-Ti’s death would linger in their hearts, welling up when they least suspected.
Cut to Spoony in his room, holding a copy of Final Fantasy XIII.
Spoony: *sobbing* Ma-Ti!
NC: *in voiceover; we see NC walking back into his house after the funeral* Of course, for me, the pain hit pretty hard. *NC pulls off his hat and sees a cup of coffee with “From Ma-Ti” written on it.* And it still does. *Fade to NC, now dressed as always, staring out a window.* I have never faced death before. Not like this. I’ve cheated death. Kicked it right in the groins and then shot it when it was down. *NC walks away from the window; fade to NC lying on his bed.* But this time? I couldn’t help but feel my own mortality. And the mortality of the people closest to me.
The camera turns, and we see Linkara standing at the end of NC’s bed.
Linkara: *singing* Ma-Ti…
NC, startled, shouts and jumps out of bed. Linkara, startled, screams. Then NC screams. Then Linkara screams. NC screams. Linkara screams. NC screams. Linkara screams. NC pauses, then screams. Linkara screams.
NC: What are you doing here?!
Linkara: I want a song, dammit!
NC: Get the hell out of my house!
Linkara: I want a song! I didn’t even get a story arc!
NC: *sighing* Fine. *He sits on the bed.*
Linkara: *singing to the tune of “Amazing Grace”* Ma-Ti, Ma-Ti, how great was he, that saved a geek like me... *talking* Look, I even brought a montage! *NC and Linkara look at the camera as the screen fades to Ma-Ti’s first interview; Linkara keeps singing.* I had no heart, but now I do… *The montage fades to the brawl, and Ma-Ti shooting the crap out of people, then fades to Ma-Ti getting the crap kicked out of him* All thanks to Ma-Ti. *The montage fades back to Linkara and NC. Linkara speaks up.* There. Now wasn’t that pretty? *NC glares at him.* My work here is done.
NC: *As Linkara turns to leave* Linkara? *Linkara turns back to NC* Do you ever think we’ll see Ma-Ti again?
Linkara: Well, he’s dead. I don’t think they’ve discovered a cure for that yet.
NC: But isn’t there any hope?
Linkara: There was never much hope. Only a fool’s hope. Unless you were out looking for the Necronomicon or something. *chuckles*
NC: *intrigued* What?
Linkara: Oh, the, ah, the Necronomicon. Book of the Dead? Said to bring the dead back to life and a whole bunch of other stuff?
NC: *raises an eyebrow and brings a hand to his chin* Necronomicon, huh?
Linkara: *catching on* Oh, hey, look, it’s not real. It’s just a legend.
NC: Legend, huh?
Linkara: Hey, come on. People don’t even know if it exists.
NC: They don’t know, huh?
Linkara: Hey, look, no one is gonna go along with you on this. We’re all adventured out. *NC just nods.* Who are you going to find to come on some random quest for something that may or may not even exist?!
NC gets an idea and smirks at Linkara. Cut to the woods, where Chester A. Bum is opening an envelope.
Chester: Oh my God, I won a car!
Cut to black. End credits.
Gatecleaner’s Wife: Shut up over there! Mommy’s on the rock!