May 16, 2017
(After the full version of Channel Awesome logo and the NC2017 intro, we fade to the Nostalgia Critic at his desk)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Chart Guy 1 (Rob): Stop it, stop!
(They grab a binder on the table and take it away)
Chart Guys: Reshoot, reshoot, reshoot!
NC: (frustrated) What are you guys doing here?!
Chart Guy 1: The chart says we need to redo the review!
NC: (incredulous) On whose authority?
Chart Guy 2 (Malcolm): (examining the binder, which reads "The Plot") D.C.
Chart Guy 1: The Department of Cameos.
Chart Guy 2: Remember when you made the trailer for this review? The one with the pop song?
NC: You mean the one I was told to do like another comic book trailer that may or may not have a talking raccoon in it?
Chart Guy 1: (quickly, to camera) We can't confirm nor deny that.
Chart Guy 2: Well, it was a big hit, and we need to add more comic.
NC: You're changing halfway just because a competitor is doing better?
Chart Guy 1: Well, D.C. is usually a few months behind. (beat) Years. (quickly and quietly) Decades.
Chart Guy 2: It's okay, we're doing it for the fans.
NC: Doing what?
Chart Guy 2: (writing in binder with a Black Magic Marker) Cutting out what they liked the most.
Chart Guy 1: Let's go GOP on this sucker!
(NC sighs and facepalms himself)
Chart Guy 2: Now, since we're incorporating more humor, obviously we have to drop the clown.
Chart Guy 1: Well, that goes without saying.
NC: Oh, I wouldn't do that.
(Unbeknownst to the Chart Guys, Jim Jarosz appears as the Joker between them)
Chart Guy 2: Why not?
Joker: (putting his arm around Chart Guy 2) Hi!
(The Chart Guys yelp in shock; Chart Guy 1 runs and cowers behind NC, while Chart Guy 2 stands there looking petrified)
NC: Yeah, Jim's been playing Joker offset like Jared Leto did on the movie.
Joker: Oh, by the way, (holds up a manila envelope) here you go.
(Joker tosses envelope to NC, who catches it)
Chart Guy 1: What?
NC: Yeah, he mails this shit like Leto, too, because the (in simpleton voice) real Joker would do that. (NC reaches inside envelope, pulling out a set of anal beads) Ah, look, anal beads. (holds them next to Chart Guy 1)
Chart Guy 1: AH!
NC: Just like the real master of crime. How is this even funny? The Joker is supposed to be funny.
Joker: Knock, knock.
NC: Who's there?
Joker: You’re holding anal beads! HAHAHAHA!! (Joker’s grill falls off his teeth while he laughs)
Chart Guy 2: Your authentic grills are falling out.
Joker: Well, I'm a man of many surprises.
Chart Guy 2: You're sure they aren't just plastic teeth?
Joker: I'M A MAN OF MANY SURPRISES!!
Chart Guy 2: Okay, okay...
(Joker continues laughing, finally pulling out his other fake grill)
Chart Guy 1: Listen, Jim...
Joker: Jim? Who's Jim? Sounds like a handsome guy.
Chart Guy 1: Joker.
(Joker still looks confused)
Chart Guy 1: ...Jared Leto playing Joker?
Chart Guy 1: I'm gonna have to call him that every time, aren't I?
NC: You're gonna have to call him that every time, yeah.
Chart Guy 1: Oh, my God... Listen, we appreciate that you're trying to create buzz, but doesn't the Joker murder people and blow up buildings?
Joker: Yeah, but that's, like, dangerous. I'd rather just pretend that stuff.
NC: Oh, just like the real Joker.
Chart Guy 1: Yeah.
NC: So, uh, while you're pretending to do that other stuff, why don't you also pretend that you're doing this "second grader discovering what a troll is" shtick?
Joker: (after a beat) Well, I...
NC: Wouldn't be able to act like an asshole for no reason?
Chart Guy 2: Oh, just like the real Jared Leto.
NC: No, no! (cringes)
Joker: Yeah... So it's totally justified. I'm deeper than I thought. Which I can also say for those anal beads.
NC: AH! (drops them in disgust)
Joker: SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO! (zips out of the room)
NC: Cut him out. You can cut him out all you want.
(Chart Guy 2 starts crossing out)
Chart Guy 1: Agreed. Though, we're also gonna have to redo the opening credits.
NC: What? How?
(Chart Guy 1 claps his hands, and the opening credits explode onto the screen, with neon colors, and guns and grenades flying all over the place)
NC: Hey, all right! That ain't half bad!
Chart Guy 2: Nothing says dark and gritty like bright and neon.
NC: All right, this is getting me hyped up! I'm ready for action!
(Before NC can leave, Chart Guy 1 grabs him by the shoulder and pushes him back down to the chair)
Chart Guy 2: Negative. Our charts show that some people prefer it when you sit at a desk and do nothing.
NC: Oh, come on. Who would want to start Suicide Squad with someone just sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters?
(The three of them look at the camera, before we start the reenacted review. The first scene is at a dimly lit meeting table with Doug and Tamara Chambers as Dexter Tolliver and Admiral Olsen when Amanda Waller (Adonis KJ Wright) slaps a binder marked NUTS down on the table)
NC (vo): So we start Suicide Squad with someone sitting down for 20 minutes just talking about the main characters. Her name is Amanda, played by Viola Davis. (A splash screen for Amanda Waller comes up with bullet points: "-"Intelligence" Officer. -Just Won an Oscar. -Never Smiles, so She's Meeeeeeeean") She's an intelligence officer with an idea so insane, it's just crazy enough not to work.
Amanda: Who do we call when the next Superman comes to take us out?
Dexter: Wonder Woman.
Olsen: The Flash.
Olsen: LEGO Batman.
Amanda: How about the villains those heroes fought?
Dexter: (he closes the binder) Nope.
NC: No, no, even though it would arguably save hundreds of lives, that's not what happens.
NC (vo): They actually hear her out.
Amanda: If another person as strong as Superman comes, we have to be ready.
Olsen: Are you seriously telling me that supervillains will do less harm than Superman?
Dexter: Did you forget how good Metropolis looked after Superman saved it from Zod-- Okay, yeah, you have a point.
Olsen: Okay, let's have a look at these crazies.
Amanda: Our first mugshot is Deadshot.
(Deadshot, played by Malcolm, is shown with the description "Deadshot: -Survivor of Collateral Beauty. -Has mask made of Nike shoe. -Doesn't like it if you say "he shoots blanks."")
Amanda (vo): Deadliest assassin around and possible savior of Will Smith's career. (A gunman (Doug) holds up Deadshot. He just shoots up and the gunman drops dead) It also turns out he has a daughter, (also Malcolm) who knows how to play peacekeeper when he pisses off the wrong people.
(Suddenly, Batman (Doug) drops down)
Batman: It's over, Deadpool.
Batman: Oh. Well, this movie got a lot less cool.
(Deadshot aims his own rifle at Batman. Batman cocks his own gun as well)
Batman: (laughing mockingly) Oh, please!
(Deadshot's daughter, named Zoe, pops up)
Zoe: No! Killing him won't solve anything! It'll just turn you into a cold-hearted monster that any decent human being would immediately lose affection for!
(Deadshot is considering Zoe's words)
Batman: Yeah, well, that's never stopped me before. Now move out of the way, kid. I'm gonna shoot your daddy.
Zoe: I was talking to him, not you!
Batman: Oh, sorry! Usually, when people are angry about a costumed man killing people, it's about me.
Deadshot: You win, kid.
(He lowers his gun for his daughter's sake)
Batman: Oh, but I wanted to kill him! (He still shoots Deadshot in the leg, taking him down) I'm Batman! (exits the scene)
Amanda (vo): Next on our list is Captain Boomerang. (played by Bryan Porter) He's pretty much Rocksteady from Ninja Turtles before he was a rhino.
(Boomerang's description has "-Comes from "Foster" Family. -Never tried Vegemite. -Surprisingly hates boomerangs." Boomerang laughs and throws his boomerang out, making blood splatter all around before coming back to him)
Amanda (vo): His superpower, you guessed it, boomerangs.
(Boomerang laughs again)
Dexter: You're going to take down the next Superman...with a boomerang.
Amanda: Admittedly, it does sound stupid.
Olsen: Amazingly stupid.
Amanda: But you'll be distracted when I tell you the Flash is in this movie.
(The Flash (Walter Banasiak) walks by)
(Boomerang is confused by the cameo before getting punched by a speeding Flash)
Olsen: Oh, what is that disgusting reptilian beast?
Amanda: That's the reason people are gonna have to call us "Academy Award Winning Suicide Squad."
(We get a zoom in on the back of Croc's head)
Amanda (vo): Our ticket to Best Makeup over a Star Trek film for some reason.
(We cut to Orlando Belisle, Jr. and Heather Reusz as two cops)
Amanda (vo): The scaly wonder himself, the Croc.
(Croc turns around to reveal Dinosaur Rob!)
Croc: (puts his hat on) I'm a dinosaur.
(Croc: "-A dinosaur. - Result of bad running joke. -Seriously, an Oscar?" The screen explodes in fire as Diablo (Walter) comes into the scene)
Amanda (vo): Next is Diablo, who can create fire and has sworn off violence, but we're saving his backstory for later, so we'll just skip him for now.
(He gets pushed aside by Harley Quinn, played again by Aiyanna Wade)
Amanda (vo): Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend.
(Harley Quinn: "-Formerly Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. -Creepy. -Kooky. -Mysterious. -Spooky. -All together ooky")
Dexter: What's her superpower?
(Harley stands around looking pretty as cameras flash at her and the crowd cheers before being replaced with Harley and Joker stepping into the shadows)
Amanda (vo): She used to be Dr. Harleen Quinzell. She was assigned to the Clown himself. He got inside her mind and made her a dangerous killing machine.
(Both Joker and Harley take turns laughing, though on Harley's side she has skulls flashing on her eyes)
Olsen: Okay, are you reading her criminal record or her trading card?
(Amanda is shown holding Harley Quinn's trading card)
Amanda: Oh, um, I guess her trading card.
Olsen: Well, what does her criminal record say about how she can help us?
Amanda: Um, she has a mallet.
Olsen: Okay, last one.
Amanda: Okay, last one, the Enchantress.
(Smoke fills the screen before cutting to Dr. June Moone (Heather) being stalked by Enchantress (also Heather))
Amanda (vo): A young explorer went exploring in a cave and got possessed by an evil witch.
(June and Enchantress laugh before June gets possessed. Enchantress now appears dancing around surrounded in explosions)
Amanda (vo): She wants to take over the world and may have the power to do so. Under our control, though, she's the most powerful thing alive.
(NC reaches over and grabs Enchantress's profile)
NC: And that's all you need.
NC: The Enchantress. That's all you need. You can just chuck the rest of that binder into the garbage.
Amanda: Hey, I worked hard to find the worst of the worst.
NC: And you came across boomerangs, mallets, guns, a petting zoo, and a guy who makes fire who no longer makes fire. This is all you need. All your attention should be on her!
(Olsen takes the binder and closes it, then chucks it behind her back)
Olsen: He's right. We don't need to worry about them as long as we have that witch under our control.
Dexter: Yeah, what, do you got her under a lockdown or military surveillance?
Amanda: Better. We have one guy looking after her in a hotel room.
(Everyone else is confused by this decision)
Olsen: What the...? That's clearly not enough!
Dexter: What are you, a moron?!
Amanda: I can assure you it's okay. I can call to prove it. (As NC, Dexter and Olsen watch, Amanda takes out her phone and makes a call) Oh, hi, Colonel. Amanda here. I was just wondering how... What's that? Oh. Uh-huh. Oh. (scoffs) Just let me know how that works out. (She hangs up and puts the phone down) So it appears she's escaped. (Dexter smacks the desk and leaves. NC puts his hand down on his table in annoyance. Olsen tosses her glasses onto the desk) Who would've known a person that's bent on taking over the world will try to rule the world? (Olsen grabs a drink as Dexter paces around, giving her double middle fingers before leaving)
(Via a jail cell door closing, we cut to a guard named Griggs (Walter) punching Captain Boomerang in his cell, before being confronted by the Joker, who is holding a knife)
NC (vo): While that's going on, one of the particularly mean security guards, played by Ike Barinholtz, is given a surprise visit in his off-time by Mr. J.
Joker: I can't wait to show you my toys.
Griggs: I know. You mailed me your anal beads last week.
Joker: That was the old me. The new me wants to show you my actual, scary toys.
Griggs: We're not gonna see them, are we?
Joker: No, that scene's been cut.
Joker: As well as this scene.
Griggs: Of course.
Joker: But that doesn't mean I can't hurt you off-screen.
(He moves closer to Griggs, with his knife next to his face)
Griggs: Critic? CRITIC!!
NC: Oh, knock it off, Jim, and let Walter go!
Joker: But I thought about what you said, Critic. That I need to get more psychotic to get into character. In fact, if you look under your desk, you might find another present I left for you.
NC: Oh, Christ. (Grabs another envelope and opens it to reveal a dead mouse) A dead mouse. Oh, yeah. (in a simpleton voice) You're really upping your game there.
Joker: Oh, not just any dead mouse. Doesn't it look a little familiar, like a certain pet you have at home?
(NC gasps in horror, realizing the dead mouse he's holding)
NC: Mrs. Brisby! (Gets angry) I'LL KILL YOU! (Joker laughs) I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
(Joker resumes speaking to Griggs, giving him his cell phone)
Joker: By the way, give this to my girlfriend. You can keep the knife.
Griggs: What knife? (Joker stabs Griggs in the crotch. Griggs screams in pain, while the Joker does the Woody Woodpecker laugh and runs away. Griggs sobs in pain) Now that's a knife!
NC (vo): The guard does, however, come through on his promise.
(We transition via a jail cell door again to Griggs limping to Harley outside)
Griggs: Here. Your douche of a boyfriend said to give you that.
(Griggs hands Harley the phone, which has a text message on it. "Will save you soon. Am mailing a used condom to keep you company.")
Harley: Aww, how sweet, ha-ha! (to Griggs) You're in so much trouble! (leaves)
Griggs: (as the camera moves closer to his face) Trouble? Big trouble? What kind of trouble? (nervously) What's gonna happen to me?!
NC: Nothing happens to him. Yeah, he disappears from the film altogether, in fact.
Chart Guy 2: Ah, another one of our brilliant cuts.
Chart Guy 1: We fizzled that dizzle.
Chart Guy 2: For shizzle.
(The two of them fistbump)
Chart Guy 1: My bizzle.
NC: Yeah, but literally any payoff would've worked here, no matter how tiny!
(A house is shown exploding)
NC (vo): The Joker could blow up his home, (Griggs is shown running playfully when a safe drops on him) or take him out on a run, or, since he's fond of mailing things, he could get this in the mail.
(Griggs opens up an envelope which has a paper on it which says "YOU'RE ON TWO MORE SEASONS OF THE MINDY PROJECT!")
NC: It'd take less than a day to shoot any of those.
Chart Guy 2: You don't understand, Critic. We're doing it for the fans.
NC: Yeah, you keep saying that. What does that excuse mean?
Chart Guy 1: It means we don't have to explain that much because the fans already know. Like, look at this character on their mission.
(We get a shot of Katana (Tamara))
Katana: I am Katana, and my sword holds the souls of the enemies that I kill with it. Here's a clip of me doing stuff with it. (We get shots of Katana pulling her sword out at different angles) Ooh.
(The rest of the Squad is confused)
Chart Guy 2: You see, that's all they need to know.
NC: No, you got her stats and backstory down, but we don't know her.
(Katana gets her own bullet points on screen: "-Japanese. -Master with a katana blade. -Wanted to be called Captain Katana but Boomerang was a bitch about it. -Her sword holds souls. -Talks to her husband via sword. -Mask has a dot on it.")
NC (vo): What's her personality, interests, dislikes, character traits? It's not like, say, an X-Files movie where the characters are already established in the TV show.
NC: This is a different interpretation that needs to be established.
Chart Guy 2: Look, I know our competitors...
Chart Guy 1: (turns to camera) Who may or may not have a talking raccoon...
Chart Guy 2: ...give their characters individual movies and then put them together into one. That makes audiences understand them better and cheer for them when they come together... (A long pause) I totally forgot where I was going with this.
Chart Guy 1: However, our fans don't need that because they've got the comics.
(A picture of a cosplayer as Frodo Baggins is shown while a book of The Lord of the Rings is behind him)
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Gandalf would be so much stronger if they replaced him with a Lord of the Rings paperback that said, (A doodle of Gandalf appears on the book's cover, saying...) "Come on, you know this guy, right?"
Chart Guy 1: In fact, we were even toying with the idea of replacing every character in this movie with recommended issue numbers.
(Instead of the characters, we're shown floating recommended issues: Harley Quinn: Batman Adventures #12; Katana: Brave and the Bold #200; Diablo: All-Star Western #2 and Killer Croc: Batman #357)
Chart Guy 1 (vo): That way they can read up on the characters and we don't have to write them.
Chart Guy 1: So while you may think "for the fans" means lazy, we like to think it means...not that.
NC: (not impressed) Name one personality trait of Katana.
Chart Guy 1: Oh, I don't know, I don't read comics.
(NC just puts his head down at that stupidity)
NC (vo): So the guy watching the Enchantress, who also happens to be in love with her, is Rick Flag. (An American flag waves in the back while the name RICK FLAG is shown) This guy is like Ford, the main character in Godzilla, (A screenshot of two soldiers from Godzilla (2014) is shown with the camera zooming in on one) in that he's so forgettable that you don't realize this isn't Ford from Godzilla. (The scene moves up to a different soldier) This is. Because he can be switched out with anyone, (NC jumps into the scene wearing a RICK nametag) I'm just gonna play his part.
Chart Guy 2: You? Why you?
NC (vo, while also gesturing onscreen): Because if characters can be introduced with no rhyme or reason, why can't I be one?
(NC and Enchantress squat over a bomb. Enchantress points behind him and he looks, only for her to poof away. NC just snaps his fingers in an "aw, shucks" way)
NC (vo): He's tricked by the Enchantress to break out of Amanda's control along with her resurrected brother. (An explosion happens and the Suicide Squad is formed) This calls for the most unqualified people in the world. (The team poses to a camera for a few seconds) So he leads his team of villains to stop the Enchantress from taking over the world, and...
Slipknot (Orlando): (appears out of nowhere) Wait a minute. How come I didn't get any bite credits or backstory?
Harley: Oh, um... I don't know.
Slipknot: What, native American guy doesn't get any attention?
NC: Oh, no, um, just nothing like that.
(Everyone is just embarrassed that they forgot about him. Slipknot realizes something and becomes annoyed)
Slipknot: I'm just here to die, aren't I?
(Everyone is all saying no to that question)
Slipknot: Yes, it is, yes, it is. You're gonna use the remote in that hand to blow up the chip inside my head!
NC: Okay, everyone has a chip in their head. If you try to escape, you die, okay? I'm not singling anyone out.
Boomerang: I think he's lying. You should give it a shot.
Slipknot: Did you hear that? He's trying to kill me! Discount Sokka is trying to kill me!
Deadshot: For God's sake, you're not just here to die.
Slipknot: What's my name?
(Of course, nobody remembers his name or knows it)
NC: Spirit Iron Knife?
Harley: Cleveland Redshirt?
Boomerang: The asshole lawyer from Jurassic Park. (Gennaro)
Slipknot: You know what, screw you, guys. I'm not dying for any of you assholes!
NC: All right, fine. I'll dismantle your chip out of white guilt. (He does so) You happy?
(Suddenly, Slipknot's head explodes, leaving him dead. NC is confused by what just happened)
NC: Who the hell had another remote?!
(Joker appears holding a remote of his own)
Joker: You know, you're right. Killing people really helps me get into character. Who would've thought it was so inspiring?
NC: Damn it, Jim, you're a real asshole! Stop killing my cast!
Joker: Don't blame me. Blame the character.
(Joker laughs. Then, Jim "breaks character" and goes to sit down to an interview with Doug while the caption of "Jim Jarosz on Playing Jim Jarosz Playing Jared Leto as the Joker" appears below)
Jim: I know it's a risky method and people probably won't like me for it, but I felt the sacrifice was worth it for the character.
NC: Now what are you doing?
Jim: That's the whole reason why I'm doing this. So I can gloat to reporters how awesome I am.
NC: Get out of here!
(Jim and Doug leave the scene)
Doug: What do you think about people claiming you're only doing this for attention?
Jim: They're right.
(And we go to commercial!)
(We come back from commercial to the Squad walking down the street)
NC (vo): So the Suicide Squad make their way towards the Enchantress. (The camera pans up at a building. The next scene has them in a dimly lit office) They enter an office building to discover the Enchantress' minions: Putties.
(Putty Patrollers from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are shown blubbering and moving about)
NC: Okay, I know they're not technically Putties, but they look like them, sound like them.
Deadshot: And people don't realize how surprisingly easy they are to kill.
(Deadshot aims his rifle and kills one of them)
Harley: Wow! Power Rangers would be a lot shorter if they just shot people.
NC: We're not so lucky. (He takes out his gun) All right, Squad. Let's fight like we don't have comfortable careers to fall back on if this movie doesn't do well.
(Just before they're about to fight...)
Chart Guy 1: Wait a minute! I don't think this is dark enough!
NC: Oh, you mean like there needs to be more twisted characters or plotlines?
Chart Guy 2: Nooo... (Chart Guy 1 claps his hands and the office is fully dark) Much better. Now fight.
(The Squad tries to fight the Putties in the dark, though it's quite confusing)
Harley: Where are you, you little stinkers? Get over here! I can't see you!
NC: Why would you want to shoot a fight scene in the dark? Don't people want to see the action?
Chart Guy 2: Again, Critic, the less we give people, the more they can fill in what's good about it.
Chart Guy 1: You wouldn't understand, Critic. It's...
Chart Guys: ...for the fans.
NC: For the fans, I got it. Well, Christ, there's gotta be a way around this!
(The Squad continues struggling to fight against the Putties)
Harley: Come on! Ugh!
NC: Wait a minute. And then there's Harley Quinn!
(The room lights up as Harley's info comes up on screen)
Harley: Oh, that's much better!
(She swings her bat at the Putty's head)
NC: And then there's Katana!
(Katana's info pops up along with lighting up the room)
(She slices down the Putty she's fighting)
NC: The Professor and Mary Anne!
(Russel Johnson and Dawn Wells' credits from Gilligan's Island light up the room for Deadshot and Croc)
Deadshot: Hey, thanks!
(They both punch out the Putty they're fighting. Meanwhile, Harley is getting in an elevator)
NC: (sighs) As you can see, Harley goes in the elevator.
(Harley is by herself in the elevator when a Putty breaks in)
Harley: Oh, do-si-do!
(She kicks it in the head to knock it out, then bashes it in with her bat, making blood splatter with each hit. The elevator opens up with NC, Deadshot and Katana pointing their weapons at her, Croc with his claws out and Diablo covering his face. Harley just smiles sweetly and walks by)
Harley: Hi, guys! Well, come on.
NC: Well, why are you looking at her like that?
Deadshot: She fought 'em off.
NC: Yeah, that's what she does. It's what we hired her to do. (yells) Why would we bring her if she couldn't fight anyone off?!
Deadshot: (shrugs) Fanservice.
Katana: I'm gonna have to say fanservice.
(Harley does a pose before heading off)
NC: Come on, it's "for the fans."
(The group head off to the next scene, an explosion transitioning them into another fight. Diablo is cowering in fear. NC, Deadshot and Boomerang are sitting next to him)
Deadshot: Come on, get in there, man!
Diablo: This isn't my fight!
Boomerang: You gotta stand for something.
NC: (to the camera) So Diablo isn't fighting, but Deadshot and Boomerang try to convince him to.
Diablo: Don't touch me!
Deadshot: Oh, you don't want me to touch you? Oh, look! I'm touching you! I'm touching you!
NC: (to the camera) But Deadshot doesn't realize it can take years to transform a man who has sworn off violence-
(Diablo lets out a wild scream and heads to the door, opening it and shooting out fire, making parts of the floor they're on explode from the outside)
Boomerang: Wow. That took like nothing.
Diablo: Yeah, I know.
Deadshot: Is that really all it took to get you back into violence?
Diablo: I don't know.
Boomerang: Years of pacifism destroyed by tapping on your head?
Diablo: I just don't like people touching my head, okay? It's annoying!
Deadshot: Well, we (finger quotes) "appreciate" your sacrifice.
Boomerang: Yeah, it's like one of those guys going vegan for a day.
Deadshot: I know, right? Pussy.
(Suddenly, Amanda pops out from under the desk, startling NC)
Amanda: About time you got here.
NC: (to the camera) Oh, right. They first have to save Amanda from being destroyed by the Enchantress' wrath. (gets up)
Amanda: And you wouldn't have made it here without them. Admit it, Rick. I was right.
(Before she can walk out, NC stops her in her tracks, pushing her back)
NC: Say that again.
Amanda: I was right about the Suicide Squad.
NC: You were...right?
Amanda: Oh, yes.
(NC and Amanda swap spots)
NC: (smiling) You...were...right. You were right? You were-- That Enchant bitch out there, the one that's destroying the city I'm sure you're aware of, she was part of a certain team, a super team. Am I correct?
Amanda: (mumbling) Yeah.
NC: Uh-huh. And, uh, there was a name, a name for this certain team, if I recall, that you gave it. Correct?
NC: And...what was the name of that team again, the one that you gave? (chuckles) I can't remember.
Amanda: (mumbling) Suicide Squad.
NC: (hand to ear) What was it again?
Amanda: (mumbling a bit louder) Suicide Squad.
NC: Still didn't get that.
Amanda: Suicide Squad!
NC: (stops smiling and yells) Wait a minute! That can't be it! Because she's part of the team you were right about! So...correct me if I'm wrong, but if this "dream team" was never put together, the one you were right about, none of this bullshit would be happening! I'd be in bed right now! (scoffs) It's almost like all of this is entirely your goddamn fault! (Speaks very quietly) Right? Right?
(Amanda stands there, not saying anything, as NC continues speaking)
NC: Hey. If you have a Suicide Squad, and she's part of the Suicide Squad, and she has a death beam... (He backs up from Amanda, holding a finger up) See, here it is, here's the death beam, here she is, all the way over here. Her death beam reaches (moving back to Amanda) acrooooss the room and nukes YOUR Suicide Squad. I drink your milkshake! (slurps) I drink it up! (Finally snaps and yells in anger) THIS WAS STUPID!! This whole idea was stupid! Even LEGO Batman said it was stupid, and that's a kid's film! And if you thought I was just gonna sit here and let you say you were right like in the movie, you're freaking wrong, 'cause I'm giving you the freakout you deserve, you freaking idiot!!
(Amanda just stands there stonefaced)
Amanda: You finished?
NC: (calming down) Yeah, I'm finished.
Amanda: You feel better?
NC: Yeah, I do.
Amanda: Come on. Let's just hope the new Wonder Woman movie's better.
NC: Yeah, yeah.
(She pats NC's back as they leave. The scene transitions to the sky where a helicopter is flying)
NC (vo): So the Joker comes to save Harley Quinn, which many diehard fans have a problem with.
(Harley is now in the chopper)
(The two hug each other and laugh while Joker shoots his gun in the chopper)
NC (vo): Most incarnations of the two have the Joker treating Harley like garbage, a means to an end he wouldn't bat an eye to save. But here's the thing. (Bats fly in to transition to Batman (Doug). Batman stands at the screen with a cupcake saying "CREATED 1939") Harley Quinn, in terms of Batman lore, (Harley pops up on screen chewing on her bat with a cupcake saying "CREATED 1992") has not been around very long, so her story is more open to changes in the future.
(A heart transition now has Harley and Joker in the dark dancing romantically with each other)
NC (vo): This is an interpretation that's different, but, honestly, kind of interesting. We've had plenty of times where the Joker's been self-centered, but this is actually kind of fascinating to see him vulnerable and care about somebody. It's an aspect of the character not often explored. So, regardless of which one you like better, I actually don't think it's a bad version to have out there. Especially because it's pretty dysfunctional either way.
(We cut back to Joker and Harley laughing in the chopper before sparks fly)
Joker: My bad.
(Explosions are heard and Harley goes stumbling out to the open door)
Joker: Harley, it's unlikely I'll be in the rest of this picture.
Joker: Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, I was pretty pointless. But remember me as the greatest Joker who ever- (Harley gives him a no motion with her hand) Oh, one of the greatest Jokers who ever- (Harley shakes her head and gives him a thumbs down) Uh, the one who's played by a douchebag actor?
Joker: Ha-ha, well, at least I'll be remembered for something! Yay, attention!
(Harley falls out of the chopper while it crashes onto the street, exploding. Harley gets up from the ground and looks at the destroyed chopper. Sad music plays as she frowns just as the Squad comes around)
Harley: Guys, Mr. J is dead!
Deadshot: Sure he is.
(The Squad just walks past her)
Harley: (crying through it) No, guys, it's really sad! No, really, they killed off their most popular villain! DC didn't want Joker anymore, you gotta believe me! No, they really killed him off! We put up with all that bullshit for about only twelve minutes of film! I'm serious, you guys!
Croc: I'm a dinosaur.
(This somehow cheers up Harley)
Harley: Not just pretty words.
NC: (stops to speak to the camera) But it looks like the Squad wants answers from Rick, yours truly.
Deadshot: Look, Rick Flag, or whatever your real name is.
NC: Actually, that is supposed to be my real name.
Deadshot: Seriously? (NC shrugs) Okay, look, we need some answers.
NC: Okay, the most powerful entity in the world has escaped (The scene of Enchantress escaping is shown as NC explains) and now wants to take over the world.
Diablo: Yeah, we know. We saw that scene.
Katana: Yeah, you just showed it from a slightly different angle.
NC: Yeah, kind of weird repeating that.
Chart Guy 1: Nope, nope, the chart says this is where you're supposed to feel hopeless and give up!
(A chart is shown in a graph with Care on the Y axis and Puss Out on the X axis. The arrow is going from top to bottom with GIVE UP circled and with arrows pointed at it)
Boomerang: That doesn't seem in character with any of us.
Diablo: Yeah, every day could be our last, you know.
Chart Guy 2: No, no, no, no, no. This is the part where you have to feel defeated and puss out!
Deadshot: Wait, the bad guys are supposed to puss out?
Chart Guy 1: Jiggy.
Deadshot: Don't say jiggy! I literally invented jiggy!
Chart Guy 1: Wiki-wiki Wild Wild West?
NC: Okay, let's go and feel hopeless, I guess.
(The scene transitions to the Squad drinking at a bar)
Diablo: Sure am feeling hopeless in here.
Boomerang: Yeah, it's not like we risk life and death everyday.
Harley: Yeah, I'm crazy, so I don't know why I'm here.
Katana: Oh, we haven't gotten a line from Croc in a while.
(The group turns to Croc)
Croc: I'm a dinosaur.
Katana: So there's that. Also Diablo's backstory. We don't know that.
Diablo: I killed my entire family.
Boomerang: Sounds about right.
Diablo: This doesn't shock any of you?
Boomerang: We're bad guys. How many times do we have to say it in this damn movie?
Harley: Yeah. We should be like, "She's not taking over the world! We're taking over the world!"
NC: Yeah, (slamming his water bottle down) screw this scene, man! Let's give the audience what they goddamn paid for!
Chart Guy 1: Wait! You're supposed to give a motivational speech!
NC: Supervillains by definition are the most motivated people in the world! I'm not giving into any more of your goddamn cliches! We are gonna defeat her ultimate weapon of (A beam shooting out into the sky is shown) a portal in the sky?! SON OF A BITCH!!! Who's the asshole who keeps putting that in movies?! Who is that one asshole who keeps putting that cliche in there?! (Chart Guy 1 looks away, being quite embarrassed) It's you, isn't it? White Chart Guy, you're the one who keeps putting it in all these films. Why?! Is it some sick, erotic thrill for you? Do you have some sort of specific fetish for it?!
Chart Guy 1: ("offended" by NC's words) No, Critic. It's not that at all. (NC frowns in suspicion) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do.
(Chart Guy 1 runs off into another room where he looks at a picture of other portal-in-the-sky scenes from other films)
(Just as he's about to put his hand down his pants, NC calls out)
NC: Oh, my God! Cut away! Cut away! (The rest of the Squad is also wanting the scene to cut away!) Oh, my God, I'd take a million portals in the sky than see the rest of that scene! Oh, Christ! Whoo!
Katana: Come on, let's go from one dark, shadowy location to another dark, shadowy location.
(The Squad leaves the bar)
Diablo: To boldly go.
(The scene transitions to the Enchantress)
NC (vo): So the Squad get to the Enchantress and try to stop her.
(The Squad is just embarrassed at Enchantress dancing throughout her scenes)
Enchantress: (laughs) It is time for you measly mortals to die. (Some of them are just stifling laughs at her) Soon the whole world will bow to my mercy. It is the end of days and... (She just notices the Squad looking at her) What?
Harley: What are you doing?
Enchantress: What? This is just the way that I move!
Enchantress: It just is!
Diablo: What are you gonna do, the Macarena?
(The group just laughs)
Enchantress: I will destroy you all!
NC: Hey, hey, you know those little dancing Hula dolls you put on your dashboard? (They look over and see a large Hula doll bobbling about like so, making them laugh!) I can't unsee it!
Enchantress: Silence! (NC mocks her with the Hula dancing. Enchantress does the Macarena!) Brother! Destroy them!
Diablo: I don't think so. Because, as it turns out, I can do this the whole time.
(Diablo explodes and leaves a pillar of fire behind. He comes back in another one now wearing a feather headdress and skeleton gloves)
NC (vo): What the hell is that thing? Why the hell didn't we know he could turn into that-- Let me guess.
Chart Guys: For the fans!
(Chart Guy 1 has the portal picture stuck on his hand. He tries to get it off, but Chart Guy 2 is squicked out. We cut back to Harley charging at Enchantress with her bat. Enchantress shows Harley a married life to Joker)
NC (vo): But the Enchantress shows them the life they always wanted (Boomerang is standing next to two giant mugs of beer) if they only join her side. (Croc's head is imposed on Spike from The Land Before Time)
(Deadshot has his vision be his daughter Zoe talking to him)
Zoe: Please, Daddy! Do it for your daughter!
(Everyone caught under her spell shouts "NOOO!" as they come out of it. Meanwhile, we cut back to the actual superheroes, Batman, Wonder Woman (Tamara) and Flash sitting on a couch while elevator music plays)
Wonder Woman: Are you sure nobody's called us?
Batman: Do you see the Bat signal?
(We cut back to the Squad still shouting "NOOOO!" before Deadshot shoots and Enchantress turns back into June. Jail bars transition the scene to Harley sipping out of a Batgirl cup)
NC (vo): The Enchantress is destroyed, releasing the doctor inside, and the Squad go back to prison, this time treated with a little more respect. But there's one more twist.
(The walls of Harley's cell explode and she gets up, smiling)
(She runs over to Joker and hugs him)
Joker: Let's go home.
(The End pops up on that scene of Harley and Joker together. NC is now back at his desk)
NC: Wait a minute. That's it? A character we knew was alive turns up, and that's your big clincher ending?
Chart Guy 2: But it's the Joker, and anything he's in is immediately amazing.
NC: No, like anything, the Joker done right is amazing. Here, like everything else in this movie, it's just done...passable.
(All the reenacted scenes are shown as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): Despite it being a big hit, this movie divided a lot of audiences. Some loved it, some hated it, others thought it was okay. Honestly, they're all understandable. None of it makes sense, and the pacing and tone feels incredibly inconsistent.
NC: And I can't imagine why that is.
(He looks at the Chart Guys, who are singing and dancing)
Chart Guys: (singing) What can we say except "you're welcome"?
NC: You have to be pretty forgiving to get into it.
NC (vo): But when the style and all-around coolness works, I am kind of forgiving of it. It's got a lot of dumb, boring moments, but the badass moments are enough for me to say, "I'm glad I saw it". I know comic book audiences are already pretty complicated, but hearing all this, you can hopefully figure out if this is the right kind of dumb for you or the wrong kind of dumb for you. But I'm still legitimately pissed off at the ending. Just with the Joker coming in, and that's it? I'm sorry, this should've gone out on a higher note.
NC: Well, you know what? This is my take on Suicide Squad, and I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna replace the Joker with the one character I know would get a gigantic reaction!
(The breakout scene plays again with the wall exploding and Harley getting up)
(Bill (Malcolm) appears instead of the Joker)
Harley: (hugs him) Let's go home!
(We get The End again, and then explode to the proper credits with fire in the background)
Channel Awesome tagline - Bill: Mm-hmm.