April, 22nd 2014
We do the usual opening to the Nostalgia Critic, before cutting to the Critic at his desk.
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. A Warner Bros.* animated film that isn't The Iron Giant? Pfft! Sold!
(NOTE: The Swan Princess is actually distributed by New Line Cinema, a subsidiary of Warner Bros., and produced by Nest Family Entertainment.)
(The Swan Princess title screen is displayed before various clips from the movie are shown.)
NC (VO): I honestly think from day one I've been getting requests to review this movie. While I don't know anyone that sees the 1994 adaptation of Swan Lake as the worst thing ever, it does carry this awkwardness that just enough people saw it to make (displays covers of...) four more direct-to-DVD awkwardnesses. It also helped that the movie, at the time, was very well advertised. Every other kids show had a commercial for this playing in between, but also keep in mind that at the time the only animation studio making any kind of profit back then was Disney. (At Least In Movies) And just the same way Disney re-released (cuts to commercial for...) The Little Mermaid for a limited time when (cuts to commercial for...) Anastasia posed a threat, (back to clips from The Swan Princess) guess what movie only five months after its premiere they decided to re-release on the exact same day--(cuts to poster for The Lion King) DOH! Highest-grossing movie Disney's ever made at the time! (back to clips from The Swan Princess) What lousy luck! What are the chances we just happened to re-release this film on the exact same weekend?
(Cut to clip from The Fugitive.)
Samuel Gerard: That company's a monster.
(Back to clips from The Swan Princess.)
NC (VO): But after it went to video, kids were still kinda curious whether or not there was anything worth watching in it.
NC: The answer? Well, let's take a look for ourselves; this is the long-requested "Swan Princess."
NC (VO): The film opens up once upon every fairy tale backwash as an old king awaits the birth of his first child.
Narrator: He was growing old and had no child to inherit the throne. Then, happily, a daughter was born, and she was given the name Odette.
(King William then shows his newborn daughter to a crowd of people.)
NC (VO): (as King William) Here's to the assumption that her mother died in birth! (as the crowd, flatly) Yay. (normal) Many come from across the land to visit the newborn...(cut to newborn Odette somehow having hair and looking like a toddler)...three-year-old and the king forms a plan with a queen from another kingdom to play matchmaker with their kids. But an evil sorcerer named Rothbart...
NC: (looks confused) ...whose name is so strange I need more time to think of a proper joke for it...
NC (VO): ...apparently has other plans.
Narrator: For he was preparing to take William's kingdom by means of the Forbidden Arts.
NC (VO): (as the narrator) Through the evil leprechaun magic of pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds. They're magically diabolical. (normal) Though his scheme is stopped, our villain, played by the late Jack Palance, swears his life to get revenge.
Rothbart: Someday I'll get my power back, and when I do...everything you love will be mine!
NC: (as Carl Grissom from 1989's Batman) You are my number one guy!
NC (VO): So a young Odette and a young Derek are forced to hang out with each other. But, as is typical of any 90's romance, they, of course, have to hate each other throughout the majority of the process.
Derek: (singing) I can't believe I'm stuck with her all summer. I bet she doesn't wrestle, hunt, or box.
NC (VO): Now, to its credit, the fact that they're bitter kids does make this scene work a little better, and, yeah, it's actually kind of a cute number. That is, when they're not obviously ripping off other Disney trademarks.
Bromley: (singing) I think you really sort of like her; fess up!
NC: (coughs) Beauty and the Beast! (A clip of Beauty of the Beast showing a similarity between LeFou and Bromley)
(Cut to a scene over a village)
NC: (coughs) Pinocchio! (Clip from Pinocchio that looks similar to the village shown in this movie)
(Cut to Derek and Odette dancing in a ballroom that changes into a pink background.)
NC: (coughs) So obviously Sleeping Beauty! I can't believe you're ripping off Sleeping Beauty! Have you no shame? (Clip of Sleeping Beauty with Aurora and Phillip dancing similarly to how Derek and Odette are dancing) (NC looks around and coughs.)
Odette: (singing) This is not my idea...
Derek: (singing) This isn't my idea...
Both: (at the same time, singing) of fun!
NC (VO): But then, quite literally out of nowhere, they suddenly love each other. Again, I guess like most 90's romances.
Derek: (singing) She started out as such an ugly duckling, then somehow suddenly became a swan.
NC (VO): Oh, now isn't that a charming lesson? Years of hate and abuse are fine in a relationship as long as your sexual urges deem your partner a sweet piece of ass.
NC: Hey, it worked in Meg Ryan films and she turned out just fine... (cut to a current picture of Meg Ryan) Don't do what they do in Meg Ryan films!
Derek: Arrange the marriage!
NC (VO): Arrange the marriage? They've been arranging it practically since you were a sperm!
(The music that an orchestra is playing stops.)
Derek: What? You're all I ever wanted. You're beautiful.
Odette: But what else?
Derek: What else? What else is there?
(Rogers makes a buzzer noise as he gives a thumbs down, then we see Odette growing sad as we fade to Odette and King William leaving Queen Uberta's castle.)
NC (VO): (as Derek) Wait! Wait, I know this one! Um, I can put my dick in you! Uh, you're sizzling arm candy! Um, you're a means to my incredibly shallow end!
King William: We tried, Uberta. No one can say we didn't try.
Queen Uberta: All these years of planning WASTED!
NC: (VO) Yes, the parents should be very upset that a couple who hated each other, yet were forced to be together, still end up hating each other. Clearly, this is all the children's fault.
Rogers: You must see something other than Odette's beauty.
Derek: Of course I do, Rogers. She's like... You know! How about... And then... I mean, right?
(Rogers gives an unimpressed look.)
NC: Look, she makes my hose jump, okay? It's the middle ages. Love is like an appetizer: Good to start out with but not essential.
NC (VO): But little do they know that Rothbart...
NC: It's like the sound you make when you hiccup and belch. (fakes a hiccup) Roth... (fakes a belch) Bart!
NC (VO): ...turns into an evil animal and takes Odette away. Derek arrives on the scene.
Derek: Who did this?
King William: (dying) A g-great... animal. It's not what it seems...it's not...what it seems.
NC: (as the king) We're not Disney! No matter how hard we try to make it look, we'll never be Disney!
Derek: Where is Odette?
King William: (dying) Odette is...Odette...
NC: (confused) Well, I know she's Odette, but that doesn't answer my question. (rimshot)
King William: Gone.... (he dies)
NC (VO): (as Derek) I will forever miss your beauty and nothing else!!! (Cut to Rothbart) So we discover that the evil Rothbart...
NC: Sounds like a gay porno with the lead singer of Van Halen. (A picture of a DVD cover of a gay porno called Roth/Bart is shown with David Lee Roth and Bart the Bear on the cover.)
NC (VO): ...has kidnapped Odette and has whisked her away to the horrible, devastating, prettiest evil lair banishment can buy. (Rothbart's lair is shown.) Why the fuck does he want the king's land? He's living in a resort by Thomas Kinkade.
Rothbart: Now don't let my little spell make you sad, Odette. It doesn't even last the whole day.
NC (VO): So he turns her into a swan, but apparently, the moonlight only on the lake can change her back to normal. He also reveals that the confession of one's true love is the only thing that will stop the transformation.
Rothbart: What I really want is your father's kingdom.
Odette: Take it, then. You have enough power.
Rothbart: Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it. If I marry the only heir to the throne, we'll rule your father's kingdom together.
Rothbart: Where are you going? As soon as moonlight leaves the lake, you turn back into a swan.
(Odette starts crying.)
NC: Wow. I mean...wow. You've been waiting over, what...10 years...to put this plan together, and that's...that's your big magnum opus that you finally scrounged up? (sighs) All right, come in here. Come in here. (Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers enter.) I'm sorry. It's just that I need help to get this out as quickly as possible because there are just too damn many to go through. So, without further ado...
(Title screen that says "Everything Wrong with This Plan in Under 40 Seconds." The timer starts.)
NC (VO): Everything wrong with this plan in under 40 seconds!
Malcolm: If she did agree, what's to stop her from changing her mind after the spell is broken?
Tamara: If Odette is a swan, what's to stop her from flying away and communicating with someone by writing in the sand?
NC: If he wants to marry her legally, why doesn't he just hypnotize her to say yes?
Malcolm: The only way to break the spell is a person confessing their love. Why? Seems counterproductive to the plan.
Tamara: What's to stop her in human form from sneaking up behind him and knocking the fucker out?
NC: Is there really no law to marrying banished people? Kinda seems like a no-brainer.
Malcolm: He disappears in the day doing nothing. Why doesn't he do something?
Tamara: Couldn't he threaten someone she loves to force her to marry him? She doesn't really have an incentive.
NC: If he can change anyone into anything, why doesn't he change anyone into anything? He can make himself look like the king. He can make someone else look like Odette. There's a million other ways around this... (Time runs out) Oh! That's it! But, thank you guys so much, now back to the closet until I need you again.
Tamara: But it smells like dead armpit in there.
(NC puts Malcolm and Tamara in the closet and closes the door.)
NC: I'll use you next time I have a Sam and Max joke.
Malcolm: He never makes enough of those.
NC (VO): So Derek tests his skills by having an arrow shoot at him. One can only hope this leads to a Saint Sebastian homage.
NC: You don't even know who that is, do you? (Google home page is shown.) DON'T GO TO GOOGLE! YOUR SOUL KNOWS THE TRUTH!!!
(Bromley in armor shoots the arrow and Derek catches it, then shoots the arrow, hitting the apple on Bromley's head.)
NC (VO): Uh, yeah...can we get the judges' take on that?
NC (VO): That's what I thought. Even for a fantasy aimed at 2-year-olds, that's pretty fucking stupid. But he also practices his hunting skills on some of his servants. And sadly, it's not as violent as you would think.
(Derek chases his servants and shoots arrows at them. One of them falls down a hill.)
NC (VO): (sighs) Five episodes of Animaniacs were given up to bring you this. Now we'll never see the episode where Pinky and the Brain kiss. (An image of Pinky and Brain kissing is shown.)
Servant: Lord Rogers, I must object. We are musicians.
Servants: (singing) We are a band and not a band of animals. This masquerade...
Servant: (singing) ...is more than I could bear.
NC: Um...Is this really warranting of a song?
NC (VO): Do these characters we've never seen before and won't see again demand a musical interpretation of their emotional struggle? Well, something you'll discover is remember how even though it was kinda corny, the child characters were distinct, memorable, and even surprisingly enjoyable? Well, that was before they remembered "Oh, yeah! We're Diet Disney! Anything that was different and unique has to be tossed out for one calorie of the enjoyment!" Because of this, Odette and Derek have little to no personality from this point on. (Clip of them as children are shown.) Yeah. See how expressive they are? See how funny they are? See how different from any other animated film at the time they seem to be? Chuck it. Now watching our characters is like seeing an unsalted cracker propose to a sheet of sandpaper. Nothing stands out about them at all, and that somehow is supposed to make you care about them. So, to make up for how incredibly boring they are, they give all the colorful songs to hastily rushed comic relief that serve no purpose whatsoever in the story. Like, "The Coach Servants Song."
Coach Servants: (singing) Girls would walk around or even crawl.
NC (VO): "The Women We Know Aren't Gonna Marry Derek so There's No Purpose to Them at All Song."
Singer: (singing) Princesses on Parade!
NC (VO): And, of course, a song so desperate to be popular they named they named it after a dying 90's T-shirt franchise.
Characters: (singing) No Fear!
Speed: (singing) Our backs are to the wall.
Characters: (singing) No Fear!
NC: Not that I'm complaining. (NC is shown wearing a No Fear T-shirt.) Keep it alive, people. (Pounds the left side of his chest with one hand twice.) Keep it alive.
NC (VO): That last song by the way is sung by Diet Disney comic relief as well. One is a frog, voiced by John Cleese, doing a godawful Lumiere impression.
Jean-Bob: (French accent) Ha! What a love dunce! I don't want these flowers. I must have those.
NC: I don't know. I like his other French take better.
French Taunter: (audio from Monty Python and the Holy Grail plays over Jean-Bob) I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
NC (VO): And an upbeat old turtle, voiced by...
Speed: (monotonous) Why don't you just give her these flowers? These are pretty.
NC (VO): ...oh, God, shit, are you serious? Steven Wright?
Speed: (monotonous) Friends call me Speed./Ready for action, Sir./Hey batter, batter./Have a nice flight.
NC: Okay, you dumbasses that put a Brit as a Frenchman, I'm not against this guy as an actor at all. Far from it. I'm sure he can be great, but you have to put a fitting voice with a fitting character.
NC (VO): The turtle is usually smiling, always getting involved, and feels a constant need to help people. (Clip of Steven Wright doing stand up) Would you choose this guy for that?
Steven Wright: She said, "If you could know how and when you were gonna die, would you wanna know?" I said "No." She said, "Forget it, then."
NC (VO): He's the only actor who can completely not try for a role and you would never know the difference.
NC: Unless your character is called Depressy Duck (image is shown) or Suicidal Salamander (image is shown), IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
Odette: I can only kiss the man I love, and then he--
Jean-Bob: Must make a vow of everlasting love, I know!
Odette: And prove it to the world.
NC (VO): Prove it to the world? Wow. That's a pretty egotistical spell you got there. Don't a lot of Hollywood couples try that and does it usually turn out very good for them?
Odette: (singing) Derek, you and I were meant to be...
NC (VO): But, hey, that would be indicating that this movie knows nothing about real love, and hell, we all know that's not true. Take this scene where our couple sings about how much they love one another, even though they left on bad terms, called off a wedding, 90% of what we saw convinces us why they shouldn't be together and absolutely nothing about them has changed at all.
NC: Um... True Love? (A picture of a heart and a sad face is shown. "True Love? Eh?" is written on the heart.)
NC (VO): Yeah, there's nothing in this movie outside of one look where they ever share any chemistry. Remember when Odette wants Derek to say something he likes about her aside from her beauty?
Odette: Is beauty all that matters to you?
Derek: What else is there?
NC (VO): No, the more I think about it, I'm siding with him. What else is there? Nothing stands out about you two that makes you interesting at all. If this movie can't explain what else about them is supposed to be unique, why should the characters? Disney developed more onscreen charisma with characters that you only knew for a few days. You guys had a fucking childhood to develop their romance and you still ended up botching it. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Odette and Derek: (singing, at the same time) I'll never be alone...
(Caption that says "or interesting!" appears with an accompanying buzzing noise.)
NC (VO): So Derek is bound to figure out what the king's last words meant by the Great Animal: it's not what it seems.
Derek: An animal that can change its shape. A harmless creature approaches... Then, suddenly, it's too late.
Bromley: You mean... You mean it could be anything?
NC (VO): Okay, I guess that's a clue, but what're you gonna do about it?
Bromley: How will you know the Great Animal when you see it?
Derek: I'll know.
NC (VO): That's right. They go around to random animals, any fucking random animals, and just start shooting at them. Heck, he even goes after Odette trying to avenge Odette.
Derek: A swan! Of course. This one's for Odette! (shoots at Odette) (Puffin pushes Odette out of the way.)
NC (VO): What the fuck is wrong with these people?! This is both stupid and insane! Even the McCarthy trials weren't quite this ludicrous!
Joseph McCarthy: (voiced by Rob) Mr. Rooster, are you the Great Animal?
Rooster: (voiced by Malcolm) Um...no?
Joseph McCarthy: Yes, you are. (shoots an arrow at the rooster) Ms. Kitty, are you the Great Animal?
Cat: (voiced by Tamara) Um...yes?
Joseph McCarthy: Nice try. (shoots an arrow at the cat) Mr. Mal, are you the Great Animal?
(Animal from The Muppet Show.)
Animal: (voiced by NC) Animal always great!
Joseph McCarthy: Wrong answer. (shoots an arrow at Animal) Mr. Worm, are you the Great Animal?
Worm: (voiced by Malcolm) Well, my friends always call me great.
Joseph McCarthy: Whatever. Take this. (shoots an arrow at the worm)
Worm: Ha! It'll take more than- (gets shot with a dozen more arrows) That ought to do it! (falls dead)
NC (VO): I mean, do they have any brain cells in them?! Any logical thinking?!
NC: I mean, it makes no fucking sense! Anyone could be the Great Animal! I could be the Great Animal! (Derek shoots at NC. NC dodges arrow. A woman screams off-screen) Hey, chill, you fucking maniac! (Derek shoots at NC again. NC dodges again. A man off-screen groans in pain) Hey, put the safety on that thing! (Derek shoots at NC a third time. NC dodges again. Another woman screams) I'm sorry, we've gotta take a break. We'll be right back. (NC dodges another arrow as he gets up and leaves. A cat screeches off-screen) You're just looking for an excuse to shoot things! You're like the NRA!
(Another arrow whizzes off-screen. NC screams as the arrow hits him. Screen fades to black as we go to commercial)
(We return from the commercial to Derek chasing after Odette and Puffin.)
NC: (VO) So Odette tries to out-run Derek while her cuddly friends try to help her out.
Puffin: He can't even see us anymore, let alone- (An arrow whizzes by Puffin's face, leaving a smoke beard.) Aah! Speed up, girl.
NC: (VO) Ah, the always popular "smoke from arrow makes beard" gag.
NC: (confused) Classic?
NC: (VO) But she leads him into the pond, where she shows her true colors.
Derek: No one believed me, but I knew.
Odette: You can't stay.
Derek: Can't stay? No, I'll never let you out of my sight again.
NC: (VO) (as Derek) You're just so beautiful and nothing else.
Derek: There must be some way to break the spell.
Odette: You must make a vow of everlasting love. You must prove it to the world.
Derek: The ball! Tomorrow night, before the whole world, I'll make a vow of everlasting love.
NC: (VO) (as Derek) And by the whole world, I mean the small number of people I can crowd into one room inside my castle. I-I hope the spell is not a number cruncher. (normal) So he takes Odette with him as a swan, as he's promised never to lose her agai- Or he just leaves her in the hands of a psychotic monster.
NC: ...as most loved ones do.
NC: (VO) But it turns out our villain has heard the whole thing.
Rothbart: "Come to the ball?" "I will make a vow." (laughs) Thought you could fool Rothbart, did you? (tosses Derek's bow into the lake)
NC: (VO) (as Rothbart) Why can't you just get Stockholm syndrome like everyone else I've brought here? I had the turtle ready to marry me in a week.
(Odette starts crying.)
NC: (VO) So, he develops a new plan. Now, he's gonna change his helper into Odette and have her go in her place, which was, what, plan #5 we discussed earlier? (Clip of NC, Malcolm, and Tamara talking about what's wrong with Rothbart's plan.) And he announces this, of course, in song.
Rothbart: (singing) Up till now, I've pulled my punches. I intend to eat their lunches.
NC: (VO) My God, there's nothing more terrifying than a tap dancing sorcerer who plans on eating people's lunches.
NC: This diabolical baddie has entered the realms of rude. (beat) RUUUUUDE!
(Rothbart turns various characters into animals, such as Rogers, Uberta, and Bromley.)
Rothbart: (singing) Bad guy I was born to be.
The Hag: One more time!
NC: (VO) Really? You think this song is good enough to warrant a "one more time"? I know you've gotta fill up that 90 minutes somehow, but couldn't you have put that extra effort into hiding the obvious frame cell at the edge of the screen?
NC: Oh, I mean, the uh "magical bar of hollowness"... that seems to make an appearance quite a bit in this movie actually. (shows various clips of the frame cell showing in the movie) You know, this movie's empty enough without uncompleted backgrounds.
NC: (VO) So while the queen prepares the ball to match up Derek with another princess, Derek prepares to use the ball as a chance to confess his love. But everything apparently needs to be quite specific.
Derek: I don't want red roses. I want white, like a swan./Would you feed this to a swan?
Derek: Take it back./No, no, no, no, no. Rogers, hold it. Tonight, the music must be played soft and graceful, like a swan.
NC: (as Derek) These bowls, they must be made bigger so people can dip their heads in them while eating, (a Photoshopped image is shown of high class civilians dipping their heads in the big bowls) like a swan. These floors, they must be prepared for people to shit all over them whenever they please, (shows a picture of a turd on a carpet) like a swan. These clothes, we must find something more fitting like-- (shows a picture of Bjork in her infamous swan dress) --nah, that's just stupid.
NC: (VO) So Odette is locked away by Rothbart...
NC: Sounds like an IRA Plan involving The Simpsons. (A picture of a Roth Conversion IRA Plan is shown with a picture of Bart Simpson.)
NC: (VO) ...while an impostor goes in her place.
Derek: I was so worried. I almost thought...
Impostor: Nothing could keep me away.
(Derek snaps his fingers, making music play and they start dancing.)
NC: (VO) (coughs) Little Mermaid, you unoriginal fucktard bastards who couldn't come up with an original idea if everybody on the Earth was dead and there was no one around to steal ideas from for the rest of your days.
Queen Uberta: Rogers, who is it? Do you know her?
Rogers: I don't know.
(Queen Uberta starts choking Rogers.)
Queen Uberta: Come now, Rogers! I know he confides in you!
NC: (VO) Wait a minute, why don't they recognize her? Is Odette really so bland that watching her grow up throughout her entire childhood honestly had no impact on them whatsoever? God, she really is beautiful and nothing else. (cut to Jean-Bob and Puffin fighting alligators) So Odette's friends help her escape by fighting the ripped off designs from All Dogs Go to Heaven... (a BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR STEALING!) ...but arrives at the castle just a moment too late.
Derek: I make a vow of everlasting love.
Derek: To Odette!
NC: (VO) Oh, no! Instead of confessing his love to Odette, he confessed his love to Odette! Wait, this makes no sense. He still said Odette, but nothing in the spell said she had to be in the same room. It's not like he said "I confess my love to this person on the left," he clearly said Odette. You know, this is why spells need to be looked over by lawyers first.
(Lights go out and the windows fly open and then the door opens to reveal Rothbart.)
NC: (VO) (as Rothbart) I greet you with Cheeto lightning!
(Rothbart zaps the fake Odette, revealing the Hag.)
Rothbart: You should have left her to me. Now, Odette will die.
NC: (VO) (sigh) Wait, why will Odette die? Okay, even if she did die, doesn't he still need to marry her? Wasn't that the whole idea behind the plan to begin with? How is he gonna rule the land if he still has no position? Look, I know I shouldn't nitpick in a fairy tale, because it's a fairy tale and that's just stupid, but half the dialogue in this is how the ownership of this kingdom works!
Narrator: He was sad, for he had no child to inherit the throne.
King William: (singing) We'll join our land if this arrangement clicks.
Rothbart: If I marry the only heir, we'll rule your father's kingdom together, legally.
NC: (VO) I'm only putting so much damn focus on it, because they put so much damn focus on it! Fuck these guys! The politics of Game of Thrones is easier to follow than this!
Odette: I love you, Derek.
NC: (VO) (as Derek) I can't lose your beauty and nothing else...
Derek: Odette! I made the vow for her. Do you hear?
NC: (snickers) (as Derek) I make my Napoleon Dynamite face in your honor! (as Napoleon Dynamite) Idiot!
Derek: Don't let her die!
Rothbart: Only if you defeat...me.
(Rothbart transforms into The Great Animal, a horrid, hairy winged creature.)
Derek: The Great Animal!
NC: (VO) My God, the king was right! The Great Animal wasn't at all what it seemed! It was an evil creature of darkness who consumed anything that was in it's way! (beat) Actually, that is exactly what it would seem! (beat) Y-Y-You were chasing a mouse. A fucking mouse!
NC: Curse overused non-specifically vague dying words!
(The Great Animal grabs Derek, breaking his sword and carrying him up in the air.)
NC: (VO) (as Derek) Good lord, I'm shocked that all my years of shooting people in bunny outfits has in no way prepared me for this!
(The Great Animal drops Derek to the ground. Bromley shoots an arrow at Derek, who catches it and shoots the Great Animal with it.)
NC: (VO) But Diet LeFou comes in, they pull that arrow bullshit again, and the entire climax is only under two minutes long. I-I guess I shouldn't be complaining. It is mercifully short, but...eh, fuck it. I'm not complaining. It's mercifully short. (The Great Animal lands in the lake, causing an explosion of magic.) That, of course, somehow breaks the spell, they get married the next day, because obviously they've learned so much more about each other, and the future sequels fly overhead.
(Puffin flies overhead with a flock of swans.)
Puffin: The prince wants a fighting air force, and it's my job to get you birds in shape.
NC: (as Puffin) Now, which one of you will be hand drawn straight to DVD, and which one of you will be computer generated straight to DVD?
Jean-Bob: Well, I am ready, Odette. (Odette kisses him.) Voila! I've got some schmoozing to do!
(He looks in the lake and sees a human prince.)
NC: (VO) All right, let's just decree that somehow The Princess and the Frog probably ripped this off and we can all go back to making original content again.
NC: Okay? Okay? BECAUSE THERE'S NOT MUCH MORE OF THIS DIET DISNEY I CAN TAKE!
(clips of the movie are shown)
NC: (VO) This film feels like the movie that Enchanted was satirizing in the first third. It doesn't feel like someone wanted to tell a story out of passion, it feels like it was told because someone else was making money with this other formula and now they're gonna try that formula. The leads are a bore, the comedy's weak, the animation is much better at being wild and energized rather than soothing and romantic, but even then, a lot of the timing and characters are so poorly executed that even that doesn't hold much water. The only thing close to enjoyable is that opening number. Heck, if the movie was just about these kids growing up, I think we might've had a stronger movie. But as is, it's phoned in, unimaginative, and just a dull waste.
NC: I can tell you right now that is the last time I ever subject myself to Diet Disney. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(Cut to Malcolm and Tamara talking by a water cooler and drinking beverages. NC walks in.)
NC: Hey, guys. How'd you get out of the closet?
Malcolm: Oh, we've had our way out for a while, we've just been making you think we're always stuck in there.
Tamara: Yes, and we've been using our time growing bitter against you and working on a way to seek our revenge.
NC: That's great. You know, I gotta tell you I am so sick of these Diet Disney spin offs. I'm so in the mood for something new.
Tamara: Well, why not try this? It's Diet Dreamworks.
NC: Oh, no kidding! What's in it?
Tamara: Oh, everything from The Nut Job, Hoodwinked, and all the Rio and Ice Age sequels.
NC: God, that's twice now I've been mean to Blue Sky Studios. I should probably stop if they ever made something good.
Malcolm: Well, if you need more variety, you could always try Diet Pixar.
NC: Oh, no shit. What's in that one?
NC: Of course. I mean, every diet product get lucky and has some substance once in a while.
Tamara: Oh, and here's one you can use in your next review. (Pulls a bottle out of her pocket.) Seuss Zero!
NC: Oh, hey, I love Dr. Seuss!
Tamara: No, no, Critic, this is Seuss Zero. It doesn't have any of the Dr. Seuss genius in it at all.
NC: Wow! That would be great for a review! But uh, what's in it? And why is it orange?
(Tamara and Malcolm give creepy smiles to NC and he gives a nervous smile before realizing what he's reviewing next)
NC: OH, NO!
(Tamara laughs creepily while wearing an orange mustache, foreshadowing his next review, The Lorax.)
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Derek: Would you feed this to a swan?