(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. You know, I get an awful lot of stories in my email. In fact, it's gotten so bad that when I reach for my inbox, my inbox reaches for a can of pepper spray. And while I do tend to cover the full spectrum of stupid, everything from icicle blowtorches to dicks in a pic-a-nic table, I do have some limits on what I'll present on this show. While I've addressed those limits in other places, I thought it was finally time to do so in a video. But, before we get there, that brings us to the topic of limits in general. Humanity has the admirable quality of being able to understand, analyze, and eventually surpass our own limitations. But, the drive that allowed us to communicate across continents...is the same one that convinces people it would be revolutionary to use that same system to...send pictures of their genitals to grandma. So that's what we're looking at this week. Not following me? Looks like it's for me to...not give a shit! (a crowd gasping is heard, along with a clip of a baby going wide-eyed) Nah, just messing with ya. To the elaboration!
(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History of Limits")
Nash (vo): (Stick Boy and Crazy Stick Boy are at an archery target, both carrying bows) Humans always seek to test themselves. (Stick Boy shoots and misses, and a window is heard crashing) When we find a limitation, we seek to overcome it. (Stick Boy shoots and misses again, this time a dog yapping is heard) And with practice, will, and a little determination, (Stick Boy finally hits the bullseye) we find a way to hit our target. (Crazy Stick Boy shoots, and hits Stick Boy) Even the ones we shouldn't be aiming at. (A spurt of blood comes from Stick Boy's body) And that's sort of my point. With ingenuity and creativity, humanity has defied it's limitations and overcome it's shortcomings. Buuut everybody has their own definition of "limitation." Whereas you or I might strive to end world hunger, or find a new source of energy, some folks will not rest until mankind can have sex with an iPad. (Stick Boy is now jumping up, trying to get an egg in a nest in a tree) Which brings us back to limits. Some are there to be overcome and make us better. (Stick Boy jumps high enough to get the egg) And some are there because we should fucking, well, know better. (a hawk screeches at it swoops Stick Boy up)
Nash: Well, now that we've set the tone, it's time to get to the awful. Biology is one of those limits that we're striving to overcome, though usually it's via science. Our first story demonstrates a different tactic: brute force.
(A picture of a girl eating chicken mcnugets is shown)
Nash (vo): Meet 17-year old Stacey Irvine. She loves chicken mcnuggets. (Now we get to the report, titled "Stacey Irvine collapses after eating chicken nuggets since 2") In fact, that's all her diet has consisted of since the age of 2. So what can be said about the fact that she was rushed to the hospital after collapsing with breathing trouble and anemia? (singing to the tune of McDonalds) Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, you're gonna die!
Nash: The article goes on to say she's never tried fresh fruit or vegetables, and has been eating virtually nothing but mcnuggets and fries since before she was potty trained. I would usually chastise her for her own bad behavior, but in this instance, I'm gonna go a different way. Uh, what the fuck is wrong with her parents!? Look, I don't have kids, but if I did, I'd like to hope when faced with the option of at least attempting a healthy diet, or shoveling grease soaked compressed chicken parts into a child, I wouldn't got the route that would require a preschooler to look out for chest pains! And if she's having this much trouble at age 17, what's it gonna be like when she's 30?
(We cut to a clip from the movie Slither where a girl is quite bloated up)
Girl: I didn't want no one seeing me like this! (rumbling is heard in her belly)
Nash: Humans require a balanced diet because we're complex creatures with a lot of different nutritional needs. And despite what the US Government would like you to think, condiments are not a vegetable. In short, someone needs to put a banana in that girl! (realizes what he just said) Not like that! Let's move on. Another limit humanity tries to punch through and really shouldn't, is decency. Though if this next story sounds reasonable to you, chances are you've already succeeded.
(The report is titled "Tacos, cash stolen from church secretary")
Nash (vo): There's low, and then there's low. The unnamed suspect in this story held up a woman at knifepoint for $26. And to sink lower, he took her breakfast tacos. And to sink even lower, the woman in question was a church secretary. Man, is this guy gonna get laughed at in Hell?
Nash: Wait, am I crazy, or...? (one side has a picture of Chester A. Bum, the other is the police sketch of the robber. Nash looks at the two of them and groans) Oh, damn it. Chester!
(We cut to Chester A. Bum, rattling his change cup)
Chester: Change! You got cha--
Nash: Ah, nonononono, zip it! Did you do this?
Chester: ...Gonna have to be more specific?
Nash: *sigh* Did you take this lady's money?
Chester: Again, you're gonna have to narrow that down.
Nash: Did you steal $26 and two breakfast tacos from a church secretary?
Nash: Oh. Oh, well, good, then we don't need to have--
Chester: (taking out a paper and putting on glasses to read it) It was 66 quarters ($16.50), 21 nickels ($1.05), 32 dimes ($3.20), a hundred pennies ($1), and, uh, two breakfast tacos. (all together, $21.75)
Nash: ...Dude, what are you doing? We can't have you doing this stuff while you're on the site, it makes us look bad!
Chester: Yes, because a person who does a show about crazy naked people does so much for our image!
Nash: Oh, uh huh. That's it, smart guy. I'm telling Holly!
Chester: Wait! Um, I, ah, that guy doesn't have a beard and I do, so you can't prove anything! Ha!
(Nash just sits there calmly as a picture of a clean shaven Chester is shown)
Chester: Ah. Well, um, I suppose all there is left to say is, heh heh, heh, I know where you live.
Nash: Yeah, you're damn right--(realizes what Chester said)--what?
Chester: (spooky music comes on as Chester gets serious) I know where you live, I know where you sleep, I can find you at any time, and if you ever breathe a word of this to anybody...I will cut you! (he takes out a spoon)
(Nash is just unimpressed as Chester continues to try and be imposing before giving up and throwing the spoon away)
Nash: That didn't come off as scary as you wanted, I think.
Chester: Uh, not really, no.
Nash: Goodbye, Chester.
Chester: Wait, I forgot one more thing!
Chester: (takes his change cup out) Chan--
Nash: Noooo! (Chester frowns, giving him puppy dog eyes and lip quivering) Fine, get it out of your system.
Chester: Change! You got change? Ah come on help a guy out, will ya? Come on, change!
(And his feed cuts off)
Nash: And you know, whatever else I do in this video, that bit is the one you'll talk about in the comments. Moving right along, there are limits we can't control, among which are limits to our senses. Unfortunately there is no limit...on bad judgement.
(The report is titled "Woman charged after mannequin prank")
Nash (vo): From Clark County, Ohio, a woman's cousin decided to play a prank on her by leaving a mannequin with a toy shotgun on her front porch. Hilarious, right? Well, the deputies called to the scene didn't get the joke. They did, however, attempt to negot00iate (a picture of the mannequin is shown) with the dummy. I'm not kidding!
Nash: Immediately afterwards, the deputies were called to another tense situation in which the suspect refused to surrender his weapon. (a statue of a WWII soldier is shown) Three officers were injured in the confrontation. Okay, I'm not gonna fault the police on their caution, but, nobody had a flashlight? Nobody? There were enough deputies to surround the house, and not one of them decided to take out a maglite and have a closer look? I'm just saying one quick sweep and you would've realized it was just a mannequin. Who in their right mind would pull a weapon on a mannequin?
(Just to answer him, clips from the movie Mannequin are shown. Nash lets out a scream and charges at the camera with his hammer. Test pattern! He's back in his chair, holding the hammer when he puts it away)
Nash: Okay, none of you saw that. Next up, another limit we impose on ourselves is the law, except in the case of diplomats, who gain immunity from prosecution in other countries. And this story is one of the reasons why we might wanna rethink that.
(The report is titled "Cocaine shipment fount at United Nations in fake diplomatic pouch")
Nash (vo): Diplomatic pouches are used by ambassadors to hold sensitive material and their sanctity is considered inviolate. Which is why someone decided this would be the perfect way to attempt to send 16 kilograms of cocaine into the United States. And no one would have suspected, save for the fact their forged pouch looked about as real as a $3 bill.
Nash: For my American viewers who don't use the metric system, here's an idea of just how much cocaine that represents.
(We get a clip of an avalanche on a mountain)
Nash: What the fuck is wrong with these people!? Is there a drug cartel this stupid? Or is there actually an ambassador at the UN who's trafficking in cocaine?
(We cut to Nash dressed up as a UN chairman, hair tied back behind him and wearing glasses)
Chairman Nash: Yes, well, for the next order of business, the chair would like to address the Cuban representative, Ambassador Montoya. (Who is really Tony Montana snorting up a big bag of coke) Ambassa- (snort) Um, ambassa-(snort snort snort snort snort snort. Now he's just laying back in his chair) ...Ambassa-(snort snort snort) Look, are you gonna share with the rest of us or what?
Nash: Well, that ACTA Treaty is certainly making more sense now. Anyway, next story. We often use the phrase, "pushed to the limit," and there's no place this applies more than the greatest hive of scum and villainy on earth: high school. But where most of us just suck it up and wait out our four year sentence, the kids in our next story chose a different tactic: losing their goddamn minds!
(The report is titled "Roy High School Utah Teens Arrested In Alleged School Bombing Plot")
Nash (vo): The teens, age 18 and 16, hatched a plot, and, I'm not making this up, to set off a bomb in their school, and then due to their extensive training with a video game, escape in a plane. The story neglects to mention if they'd be blaring a medley of Drowning Pool's greatest hits, but it's a strong possibility.
Nash: Mmm, how to best describe my feelings on this story...
(To the tune of the Violent Femmes' "Dance, Motherfucker, Dance," we get clips of table flipping. One guy is shown flipping one over. Dan Connor from Roseanne flips the coffee table in the living room. Another guy flips two tables at the same time. A clip of the game Dead Space is shown of Isaac Clarke using Kinesis to lift a table and throw it at a wall. Now we get a clip from the movie Thor as the titular god flips the massive banquet table over, then a clip of an ascii figure flipping a table over)
Nash: Eeyep, that'll do it. What the fuck is wrong with you!? Are there people I loathe? Hell yes! There's a good chance that if you're walking upright and capable of speech, I probably don't like you! But I recognize that I can't very well get by in life just by blowing people up! Jail kinda limits your travel prospects, y'know? Also these criminal masterminds weren't undone by an intense investigation. No no, they were found out after texting their plans to other people! I guess during the eleven billion times they watched Fight Club, they must've gone to the bathroom during the reading of the rules! Well, as promised, it's time to talk about the type of stories I avoid, so why don't we head over to the blackboard and get that started? (And he gets up from his chair)
(Nash is standing in front of a blackboard)
Nash: Okay, story type number one. ("1) People Hurting People" pops up on the blackboard) People hurting other people. Now, before you leap up to point exactly how many times I've violated this rule, let me just say I'm not perfect, and my judgement's not always a hundred percent. But generally I avoid stories where idiots do serious injury to other people...really because it's not funny. Hang on, lemme demonstrate. (he picks up a laser gun and shoots it at Stick Boy, who runs around screaming with his head on fire) See? That's not funny! He could be seriously hurt! Look, when someone does something of their own volition and has to suffer the resulting consequences, that's one thing. When they inflict those consequences on others, totally different. (Stick Boy runs by him again, still screaming and on fire) Oh walk it off, you big baby!
Nash: Second type of story. ("2) Sexual Assults" pops up on the blackboard) Sexual assault. Don't really feel I need to justify that one. It's never funny. And because everyone just felt a little bit awful that I even had to bring it up, here's a kitty! (a clip of a kitten is shown) Aww! But, seriously, don't, don't send me the rape type stories, i-it's not cool. (he shakes his head and mouths no)
Nash: Third type. ("3) Religion/Politics" pops up on the blackboard) Religion and politics. See, it's not that I feel like either of these subjects are above criticism and I do have some strong feelings about them. Uh, it's just that I don't wanna deal with the bullshit! A while back, I made one single political joke on this show and nobody could shut up about it! Seeing at least in the US, we are incapable of having a grown-up conversation on either subject, much less poke fun about it. I'm gonna give you a demonstration, uh, with a little help. You there, Space Guy?
SG: (obviously reading from a cue card) "Yes, I am here, hello...Nash." (and he awkwardly waves)
Nash: ...God, you suck at reading lines.
SG: Oh just get this over with, will you?
Nash: Fine. "Gee, Space Guy, those Quelfrackians sure do stupid things! Why, those Quelfrackians are always doing a ton of dumb stuff!"
SG: "Hey, I happen to be a Quelfrackian, and I do not appreciate you insulting my right to be a Quelfrackian with your insightful commit, uh, commentary"
Nash: "But Space Guy, how does my joke remove your right to be a Quelfrackian?"
SG: "I don't know, but you shouldn't criticize Quelfrackians because I am one, and it makes me angry to be criticized. Grr, I sure am angry."
Nash: "Wow! What a headache! I don't get paid enough to deal with this!" Seriously, I don't. So rather than have to contend with the utter pain in the ass, uh, I just plan on avoiding stories about political parties or religious groups whenever possible.
SG: Um, hang on. (a bleep is heard) Oh, fuck!
SG: Well, apparently, the Quelfrackians are angry that you took their name in vain.
Nash: Wait, that's a real thing?
SG: Of course it is. Granted, the Reformed Quelfrackians are a bit more laid back than the Orthodox Quelfrackians, but they all have no sense of humor! (bleep) And now they're pissed off that I said they have no sense of humor.
Nash: So...what are you gonna do?
SG: Ah, it's all right, they're just sending some angry transmissions. It'll be fine unless they send enough to overload my computer systems. (bleep, then the ship goes dark) Why did I say that?
(We then get a shot of Space Guy's ship exploding over Earth...again)
Nash: Huh. Well, I'm just gonna file that one away under "not my problem." So until next time, this is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does every--(a laser then shoots Nash in the head and he drops dead. Stick Boy comes in holding a laser gun, looks back and forth between the camera and Nash, then takes out a sign saying "None of you saw that.")
(Now we come to the credits with Strong Bad's live version of "Everybody to the Limit")
Final quip: If you wish to point out a time I "violated" a rule, please call: 1-888-GET-BENT.
(And we get one more clip of Tony Montana snorting that big bag of coke)