Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: Fit to Win
June 7, 2010
This comic really has nothing to do with Tandy computers... nor does it have any whiz kids... and the "Fit to Win" thing has nothing to do with the plot... so what was the point again?
(Open on Dr. Linksano in a dark room, looking at a box labeled "World's Greatest Villain")
Dr. Linksano: Ha! World's Greatest Villain, you are indeed the card game for me! (cackles) Ah, and it's just what I needed after getting stomped in the face by a bunch of nerds. Still, I think I'm starting to like this dimension. Insano's far too busy taking care of that genetic accident he calls a son to be a true science villain, so I guess that task falls onto me! (cackles again)
(Suddenly, he gets cut off by the sound of a beeping. He takes out a phone and examines it, stopping the beeping. He becomes nervous)
Dr. Linksano: Oh, no... He's coming. He's coming!
(We then cut to the title sequence and theme music. After that, we are shown the title for this video "Tandy Computer Whiz Kids: Fit to Win", while Paul Stanley's "Live to Win" plays in the background)
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. You know, I honestly hate doing it twice in the same review period, but... yeah, we're not doing "Q-Unit" this week. Like "Siphons", was it actually decent? Hell no! It was just boring!
(Cut to a cover for a "Q-Unit" comic)
Linkara (v/o): I couldn't make this thing funny. It was so bland and uninteresting that you would've been as bored as I was as I desperately clamped down onto anything to make a joke about. However, because there is one bit that I was happy with, and I wanted to include it because of its relevance in today's kindling, let's talk about the cover in a bit I like to call "Your Cover is Lame and I'm Smarter Than You".
(Cut to a shot of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel)
Linkara (v/o): Consider some of the most famous and elaborate works of art: the Sistine Chapel...
(Cut to a shot of the sculpture...)
Linkara (v/o): ...La Pieta...
(Cut to a shot of the famous painting...)
Linkara (v/o): ...The Last Supper. There are various reasons why famous artwork keeps getting remade and homaged, not just that they're famous, but because they have real power to the imagery they invoke...
(Cut back to the Pieta sculpture)
Linkara (v/o): ...the Pieta in particular. Holding the dead body like that was made probably most famous...
(Cut to a shot of the cover of "Crisis On Infinite Earths", which shows Superman similarly holding the dead body of Supergirl)
Linkara (v/o): ...in "Crisis On Infinite Earths #7". This is one of the most duplicated and homaged covers in existence.
(Cut to a shot of a wall of shelves full of comic books)
Linkara (v/o): Most comic book stores have their new comics arranged in various rows for people to go through and pick out what they want to buy. All of these comics are competing against each other to get picked up, and since comic companies keep inexplicably raising prices, it makes it all the more difficult for someone to try something new. As such, your cover needs to look good. It needs to be instantly eye-catching and impressive.
(Cut to a shot of a cover of a Marvel comic book showing the Hulk holding up a whole mountain by himself)
Linkara (v/o): The image of the Hulk holding up an entire mountain single-handedly? That is awesome! You win!
(Cut to a D.C. comic cover showing Wonder Woman holding up a sword dramatically, surrounded by Batman and Superman, while looming in the background are images of various other characters; it resembles a movie poster)
Linkara (v/o): A cover structured very much like a movie poster, with recognizable heroes and villains looming overhead! Not quite as eye-catching because of the cramped style, but at the same time, very striking, especially with Wonder Woman gripping a sword and looking badass. You win!
(Cut to another comic, this one showing seven fists raised in the air while holding up various weapons, all in red, while jagged lines appear in the background)
Linkara (v/o): Seven fists held into the air while holding various weapons, a symbol of triumph, unity, and diversity of heroic styles. The jagged lines in the background evoke lightning bolts and a classic retro heroic style. And the red colors for the fists and arms are striking and bring in the idea that these seven are the same; i.e., united as a team. You win!
(Cut back to the "Q-Unit" cover from earlier; its colors are mostly dark, save for guy in goggles who is wearing yellow pants, the only real standout color on the cover)
Linkara (v/o): Four no-name characters standing in a vague unknown surrounding without any kind of purpose or structure to their placement, with dark, subdued colors that easily blend into each other, the most striking thing about the cover being this guy's pants, being where our eyes are drawn to because it's surrounded on all sides by darker colors. There's a tagline at the bottom, tucked away as if it was forgotten. YOU FAIL!
(The word "Fail" appears in big red letters to a buzzer sound)
Linkara: This is not a cover that says, "We care about what we're writing." This is a cover that says, "We slapped this together yesterday over lunch and figured somebody might buy it."
(Cut to a montage of several comic covers showing things that Linkara disapproves of...)
Linkara (v/o): Someone's face? It's stupid and they couldn't be bothered to draw the whole character. Standard group shot? There are plenty of ways to make a group shot interesting. Just having them stand there isn't one of them. Covers are vitally important to making a comic stand out. If you're not gonna bother with it, then why the hell should I, as a customer, bother with it?
(Cut back to the "Q-Unit" cover from before, zeroing in on the tagline near the bottom)
Linkara (v/o): (reading) "Cover to cover action!"
Linkara: (holding up the comic) In that they mean that all of the action is on the front and back cover.
Linkara (v/o): (reading comic cover again) "Layered reality cybercard inside!"
Linkara: One, what the heck is a cybercard? Two, what the heck is "layered reality"? Three, does it have Mr. T on it? No? Then why should I care?
Linkara (v/o): Just imagine this kind of utter blandness and uninteresting characters and confusing plot situations jumping around everywhere with no rhyme or reason and crammed into "32 full pages", and you've got "Q-Unit" in a nutshell. I couldn't take it. It was so boring. So instead I decided to bring you something truly special.
Linkara: As such, we're digging into (holds up the comic of review) the "Tandy Computer Whiz Kids". No number on this one; the "Tandy Computer Whiz Kids" comics weren't numbered, simply given one-shot status on each of their stories and their titles.
(Cut to shots of covers of Tandy Computer Whiz Kids comics, which originated from the company Radio Shack)
Linkara (v/o): A lot of you are probably too young to remember this, but once upon a time, Radio Shack's parent company was called Tandy Computers, and it was one of the companies that started mass production of personal computers in the '70s and '80s. Eventually, the company was just renamed to Radio Shack, but when it was Tandy Computers, well, it produced quite a few products. Subsequently, they also produced free comics to be distributed at Radio Shacks. One of them was even a crossover with Superman and we'll probably get to that one somewhere down the road.
(Cut to the cover of the Tandy Computers Whiz Kids comic to reviewed: "Fit to Win")
Linkara (v/o): In the meantime, though, enjoy this exciting tale of Radio Shack products: "Fit to Win". This cover is why I kept in that long diatribe about how covers are supposed to work. This is the most schizophrenic, haphazard cover I've ever seen. You'd think a book about these purported "whiz kids" would feature them prominently, but nooo. Enjoy their disembodied heads, as if they were little kid versions of Holly from Red Dwarf.
(Cut to a clip of Red Dwarf)
Holly: And the moral of the story is, appreciate what you've got, because I'm fantastic.
(Cut back to the Whiz Kids cover)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, there is a submarine in the book, but why the periscope view of an empty ocean? Oh, and let's not forget the title shoved down at the bottom with a bunch of random kids who aren't the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids that actually have bodies. And I'm sorry, but when I think fitness, I don't think a carnival.
(Cut to an ad for Radio Shack's Tandy Color Computer 3)
Linkara (v/o): As if I haven't held off talking about the comic itself long enough, let's take a look at the awesome computer power of Tandy, shall we? Why, here's an ad for the Tandy Color Computer 3! Wow, for $220, you can get 128K color and a wide selection of educational software designed to improve math, history, spelling, vocabulary and typing skills.
Linkara: There's just no stopping kids when the siren call of educational software is made!
Linkara (v/o): We open to a submarine in the gulf waters.
Sub Crewman #1: (looking through periscope) Nothing yet, sir!
Sub Crewman #2: Very well! Keep scanning!
Linkara: (as Sub Crewman #2) We'll find that island where Gilligan shipwrecked eventually!
Linkara (v/o): They eventually spot a ship on the horizon where three criminals are talking.
Criminal: Hey, Fritz! That was a slick idea to have a pleasure boat rendezvous with us off the coast at night... to transfer "the goods" to our boat!
Linkara: (as this criminal) Yes, our plainly-obvious idea for how to transport illicit goods is genius! (raises fist in the air)
Linkara (v/o): They also spot something on the horizon... but enough with the intrigue with potential drug dealers, gunrunners, thieves or whatnot; it's time to go to school!
Teacher: Good morning! How was vacation time?
Students: (in unison) GREAT, MS. WILSON!
Linkara (v/o): Oh, dear God, have we entered the School of the Damned here? Why are they all speaking in unison? And what's with their eyes? Ms. Wilson asks the students what they did during their summer and Alec volunteers this...
Alec: Well, a group of us kids got together to talk about some of the things we would like in everyday life when we get to be adults – what we hope our country will be like then!
Linkara: So... that's what you did all summer, huh?
Linkara (v/o): By the way, what kid talks like that? "A group of us kids got together to talk about some of the things we would like in everyday life when we get to be adults"? That dialogue couldn't be more forced if it was attached to a battering ram.
Ms. Wilson: My, what a profound thought, Alec!
Linkara (v/o): Um, no, it isn't.
Ms. Wilson: Tell us more about it!
Alec: We thought about it a lot and decided... that here we are in elementary school... and the way time passes so fast... we'll be out of high school... and, if our grades are good, we'll be in college!
Linkara: (perplexed) Really, kid? This is what you and your friends did? You didn't want to play outside or some Atari 2600 or something? Uh, hang out at arcades? Ride your bicycles? Wait for Nickelodeon to finally get invented?
Alec: We talked about what we would like to do for a career that would help to keep our country's leadership in science and business... a career that would help to build an even better way of life for all of our people!
Ms. Wilson: So, what did you all decide?
Linkara: (as Alec, excitedly) PROSTITUTION!
Linkara (v/o): Seriously, this kid is a plant. They're paying him off somehow, because there's no way that this kid came up with all of that. Really? Career-minded elementary school students? You would have to be a cube to be more square than this kid.
Alec: We decided that we are preparing for the future right now--and that someday we'll have to be the leaders in our country!
Ms. Wilson: Then what?
Linkara: Well, isn't that enough?
Alec: Well, we decided that we must study hard... learn all we can, and take care of our health and physical fitness–to be ready when it comes our turn to be the leaders of our country!
Linkara: So... what happens if you end up taking up a career in refrigeration?
Alec: So, we formed a club that we called: FIT TO WIN!
Linkara: (as Alec) We've already got, like, a bazillion Facebook friends!
Asian-looking kid: What does FIT TO WIN mean, Alec?
Linkara: No! Don't encourage his monologuing!
Alec: FIT... means our goal to learn... avoid things that could harm our mind and body... to exercise a lot!
Linkara (v/o): Anyone else notice the absurd amount of ellipses this kid uses? Is he the Ultimate Warrior as a kid?
Alec: TO WIN... means the success we can have in helping to build an even better America!
Linkara: Man, what remedial class are we in where they need to be explained what (makes a "finger quote") "to win" means? And they still got it wrong?
Students: YEAHHH, ALEC! WOW... THAT'S COOL!
Linkara: Alec was later beat up at recess by the same children in the room.
Ms. Wilson: Alec, I've got one word for that vacation activity: it's SUPER!
Linkara: That was two words!
Linkara (v/o): Thankfully, we cut away to the marina, where what I think are a couple of police officers are discussing the drug dealers who are out in the boat. Among them is... Duke Nukem?* They spot the boat out in the bay as it makes its way towards the pier.
- NOTE: Actually, his name is Jones, as will be mentioned soon.
Jones: Good! We'd better get set to go aboard the moment it ties up at the dock!
Linkara: (as Jones) After all, nobody steals our boat... and lives.
Linkara (v/o): With the drug dealers, they gloat about how awesome they are for their purported "fishing trip", and we learn that they are apparently accompanied by Popeye the Sailor Man.
Drug dealer: (to Popeye lookalike) This is a fishing trip, isn't it, Captain?
Captain (Popeye lookalike): Yeah! I guess you could call it that! Ag-ag-ag-ag! For expensive fish! Ag-ag-ag-ag!
Linkara: Man, I guess spinach is an expensive habit to keep up if Popeye's turned to drug-dealing.
Linkara (v/o): We cut back to the classroom and... wait, that panel, it's exactly the same as the panel from before! Oh, what the hell?! They copy and pasted it?! I expect this kind if they're holding a conversation, but come on! Anyway, the teacher announces that three students have been selected to set up and run a physical fitness booth at the state fair in... um, whatever state this is. Everyone is weirdly excited about this, and she announces that it'll be...
Ms. Wilson: Shauna, Chuck and Mary!
Linkara (v/o): What, Alec didn't earn a spot after his rousing speech? Should've opened with a joke, kid.
Students: Hip! Hip! Hurrah!
Linkara (v/o): Is this some weird parallel universe where kids actually give a damn about school?
Linkara (v/o): The drug runners explain the plan: putting the drugs into the luggage bins on a bus and drive that away with some of them on it, while the rest heads out in a red sports car. Back with the school of the brainwashed masses, Alec is chosen to represent the school in the state fair marathon, which I guess explains why he's not manning the health booth. Oh, and the teacher's final surprise for the class?
Ms. Wilson: We're going over to the computer class... where you'll get to practice on our new color computer-3 computers!
Linkara: (as Ms. Wilson) As opposed to our old black-and-white computer-2 computers! (beat) Computers!
Ms. Wilson: Let's go! But no running in the hall!
Linkara (v/o): They run off to... the back of the room. What in the... The computers are right behind them! Why exactly did she tell them to not run in the hall if the computers are right there? Furthermore, check out the messed-up perspective in this classroom. Either these are the tallest children in all of elementary school or that chalkboard is put way too low to the ground.
Narrator: And a school mini-van moves along Bay Street!
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, minivan, AKA the short bus. Hey, wait a second, weren't we just about to show the computers? It took them like twelve pages to finally have the story mention them and you're not even gonna show 'em off? On the way to... wherever, the kids spot the drug runners loading things into the bus.
Girl: That seems odd to me!
Boy: Yeah! That can't be fish he's loading!
Linkara: Why not? Why do you kids even care? Why are you staring at the docks when you could be talking to each other about Nintendo or Transformers or something?!
Girl: Please, Ms. Jackson...
(Wait, wasn't her name Miss Wilson?)
Girl: ...stop long enough for me to make a phone call! That convenience store across the street has a phone booth!
Ms. Wilson: Okay, but hurry! We're running a little late!
Linkara (v/o): WHAT?! Why are you letting her do this?! She could be making a crank call or something! WORST ADULT EVER! The girl, Shanna, calls the police station, apparently knowing one of the detectives. The detective isn't there, but the cop on duty relays the message to Detective Shaw. See?! These Whiz Kids are plants! Otherwise, why in the heck would the cop relay a random tip about people unloading stuff off of a boat that seemed odd to her?! Naturally, this tip is exactly what they need to figure out the whole scheme of the drug runners. Detective Shaw and Duke Nukem are on the case, spotting a red sports car going 90 on the freeway.
(A shot of Duke Nukem from the game Duke Nukem 3D is shown)
Duke Nukem (game audio): Born to be wild...!
Linkara (v/o): Realizing that it might be the sports car of the criminals, instead of... you know, letting something actually happen, Detective Shaw calls in with his new "CT-300 Cellular Phone... with its speed dialing!"
Linkara: Ladies and gentlemen, we have product placement! (briefly dances to the Price Is Right theme)
Jones: That was a quick call, Shaw! Didn't I hear you say that new CT-300 has a memory for speed-dialing as many as 40 numbers!
Det. Shaw: Right, Jones! You ought to have one of them for your work! Saves a lot of time in emergencies!
(Again, a shot of Duke Nukem 3D is shown)
Duke Nukem (game audio): You're pissing me off!
Det. Shaw: Jones, I hope Palm City PD was able to nab those suspects...and incidentally, I've got a hunch they are the people Shanna saw at the dock unloading... PROBABLY NARCOTICS!
(To a dramatic sting, Linkara looks up in shock, his mouth agape; he suddenly stops himself, becoming confused)
Linkara: Wait, wait, wait, probably narcotics? Not just narcotics? (shrugs) Okay.
Linkara (v/o): We then switch to the drug runners from the bus discussing what to do about the fisherman who helped them, what happens if the others in the sports car are caught, etc., etc. I honestly don't get the point of this scene. It's filling plot holes that nobody was asking about. At the state fair, we find our Whiz Kids talking to each other.
Alec: I can hardly wait to start running in the school marathon race! I'm going to try my hardest to win for our school!
Linkara: Thanks for clarifying that. I thought you were going to half-ass it and embarrass both yourself and the school.
Shanna: While you're running, I'll be on duty at our school's health and fitness booth... wearing my TRC-500 headset walkie-talkie!
Alec: These TRC-500 headset walkie-talkies are super for running, jogging, or working at the booth like you'll be doing! Voice activation of the TRC-500 allows hands free operation... that's what counts!
Linkara: (as Shanna) Alec, why are you doing a commercial? I know all of that! I'm the one who bought them!
Linkara (v/o): The race begins, and the other students open up their boring health and fitness booth, manned by Shanna, some unknown girl, and Screech from Saved By the Bell. They're immediately accosted by two morons.
Kid #1: What does that mean: avoid substance abuse?
Linkara: It means avoid abusing substance in your comics. Substance is the enemy of this sort of story, and we don't want too much of it.
Shanna: Substance abuse includes not only drugs, but also alcoholic drinks– Both can harm your mind and body!
Linkara (v/o): Um, isn't this comic about Tandy computer products? Wait a second! Oh me, oh my, oh me! I thought this was just a straightforward advertising piece like the Kool-Aid Man comic, but this is much more! This is a PSA comic as well!
Linkara: Which means it's time to unveil a new segment of Atop the Fourth Wall. (holds up index finger) Welcome, my friends, to "PSA Hell"!
(The title for "PSA Hell" is shown: snippets of footage and audio from various past bad PSAs and educational films (some of which, incidentally, Linkara would riff on in his future series Linkara Riffs) that have a propaganda bent to them)
Kid #2: But I thought alcoholic drinks were legal! A lot of people drink them!
Linkara: (holding up a bottle of alcohol in a bag) Like the readers are, right now! (takes a swig)
Linkara (v/o): Blah, blah, blah, seriously, they're actually giving out educational info on drunk drivers in this thing for like three pages. How will this get kids to buy your stupid electronics? I admit there wasn't much of a plot here, but there was a plot.
Kid who looks like Scratch: Think of our small cities with over 20,000 people... Think of every one of them... Men, women and children... being killed this year, and another small city next year–year after year!
Linkara: What, did I say stop thinking?! KEEP THINKING ABOUT THEM, YOU BASTARDS! LET THEIR FACES HAUNT YOUR NIGHTMARES!! THIIIIIIIIINK!!!
Linkara (v/o): So, finally, back to the plot. Shanna contacts Alex, of course distracting him and interrupting his breathing while he's trying to run the marathon. But he spots something on the old farm road: the bus they had seen earlier near the docks. He advises Shanna to contact Detective Shaw, which she promptly does, abandoning her post without telling her compatriots. Detective Shaw wonders how he could possible have told her about this, but of course, it's thanks to the new TRC-500 headset walkie-talkies with voice activation, only $29.95 plus shipping and handling. Shaw sends his police helicopter over to take a look and they spot the bus, radioing Shaw so they can send in the cops. Buuut enough of the potential Miami Vice-esque chase scene; we need to check in on Alex and Shanna.
(In the comic, Alec inexplicably has bulked up during the race somehow as he and a female racer both cross the finish line, ending in a tie)
Linkara: And what do you know– GOOD GOD, KID! You're in elementary school; what steroids were you taking to suddenly buff up like that?! Oh, but just to highlight the complete, utter, baffling stupidity of this comic, Alec doesn't win the race. He TIES the race with a girl from a neighboring city. Dear Lord, it's one of those kinds of stories where we don't have actual winners; we have to be equal in all things, regardless of talent.
(Cut to a clip of The Incredibles)
Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.
Dash: Which is another way of saying no one is.
Linkara (v/o): (reading text) "Later at the Hall of Justice– I mean, the State Fair!" Shanna tests some kid's blood pressure and he promptly asks where to get one, and although they don't say the name of the thing, she makes it clear to go buy it at Radio Shack. The next day, Shanna and Alec– Wait, they say his name is Alex here and not Alec. Make up your mind, comic! Anyway, they're going to get a super-duper award for helping out the police stop the drug dealers. Yes, we didn't even get to see the drug dealers get apprehended. So our story ends with the mayor, in a hideous purple suit, awarding the kids with a Crime Stopper Award, which apparently they hold monthly, making me wonder what kind of a crime-ridden hellhole the city must be.
Mayor: In closing, why not make every day...
Linkara (v/o): (as Mayor) Pause...
Mayor: ...one of appreciation for those who work day and night...
Linkara (v/o): (as Mayor) Ellipse pause...
Mayor: ...in all kinds of weather...
Linkara (v/o): (as Mayor) Ellip– (normal) Ah, screw it! You get the idea, the comic is all over the place in the PSA messages they want to send! But of course, the comic itself couldn't be just over, could it? Nooooo, because now we have a "Student's Guide to Computer Language". (reads) "CASSETTE: An information storage medium composed of magnetic tape on a spool enclosed in a plastic case."
Linkara: Those'll never go out of style, kids!
Linkara (v/o): But wait, there's more! Behold, random little comics for various purposes baffle us as much as the main story did.
Title: The Computers!
Linkara: Computers?! RUN FOR THE HILLS! (runs off)
Text in comic: Nationwide, in crowded air terminals computers are speeding processing of reservation and tickets.
Linkara: And yet you should still expect delays of at least two hours.
Text in comic: Computers like the Tandy 1000 are being used as teaching aids to build skills in math and science...
Linkara: And then later, kids will delete all of that nonsense to make room for Oregon Trail.
Text in comic: To access information services like CompuServe – an electronic encyclopedia at your fingertips. Great for helping with home study assignments!
Linkara: CompuServe was the Wikipedia of its day – teachers refused to recognize it as a credible source for information.
Text: Computers also aid in today's science research, meteorology* and they can even be programmed to operate machines like robots, used in many manufacturing plants.
- ANOTHER NOTE: After the word "meteorology", there is mentioned its meaning in parentheses: "weather forecasting", which Linkara does not mention.
Linkara: Such magnificent robots like Skynet, which can– (suddenly, he looks offscreen and freaks out) OH, MY GOD! AAAAAA–
(Static appears on the screen, cutting it off; cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): Then we get an abridged version of computer history, including (reading dramatically) "Computers and astronomy... The world's first all-electronic computers..."
Linkara: As opposed to the computers made of rocks and bamboo...
Linkara (v/o): "...were made in the United States at the end of World War II. These computers contained THOUSANDS of vacuum tubes, resistors, capacitors and switches – and required a ROOM-SIZE space..."
Linkara: Doom was hard to play in those days; you had to fill out, like, ten punch cards in order to shoot your pistol.
Linkara (v/o): Then our narrator goes off on a weird tangent, saying that the history of computers really began back within the day of pirates and Pilgrims.
Narrator: For you see, it's our natural curiosity that makes us want a better life through computers and science–
Linkara (v/o): (irritably) Well, just shut up and we'll buy your stupid products!
Linkara: (holding up comic angrily) This comic sucks! The characters are inhuman, the story meanders away from whatever points it's trying to make, and there is NO ACTION WHATSOEVER! Still, it was a lot more entertaining than "Q-Unit", so I guess–
(Suddenly, he gets interrupted by the sound of someone magically appearing in his room; it's Dr. Linksano, who cackles insanely)
Linkara: (listlessly) Oh, it's you. What do you want?
Dr. Linksano: Oh, hello, Linkara. I was just coming to say goodbye.
Linkara: (trying to think) Coming to say goodbye, and you say hello... Never mind. What, you're leaving?
Dr. Linksano: Yep, just clearing out of this dimension while I still can.
Linkara: (mock sadness) Aw, did the beatdown we gave you and the other Insanos make you all scaredy-waredy?
Dr. Linksano: (cackles, which surprises/annoys Linkara) Oh, you sad, stupid, silly little comic book nerd! Did you ever stop and wonder why I left my universe to begin with?
Linkara: Well, no, but then again, I'm still trying to reconcile this whole "Spoony is Dr. Insano" thing, which I still don't entirely believe, given what I saw happen before with–
Dr. Linksano: HA! You incompetent little worm! There are forces in the multiverse far beyond anything you've ever dealt with. Ancient mindless evils fill in cracks and eat dimensions just for a snack. Monstrous deities and empires spanning universe after universe have risen and fallen in the span of forever. But there is still one individual, one being that they are all horrified of. When I saw him coming near my universe, I fled. (sinister chuckle) Weep for your universe, Linkara! Weep for all universes! For Lord Vyce is coming! (sinister giggle) AND ALL THAT HE SEES, HE CONQUERS!!
(Dr. Linksano cackles more insanely than ever before, then disappears. Linkara is dumbfounded, then becomes quite alarmed as the room suddenly brightens up; he holds up his arms in alarm and screams. The bright light then disappears, and Linkara is gone!)
TO BE CONTINUED
(Stinger: the panel from the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids comic is shown on drunk driving)
Linkara (v/o): Did you stop thinking about them?! DID YOU?! Oh, you sons of bitches! GET 'EM, DUKE NUKEM!!
(A shot of Duke Nukem appears)
Duke Nukem: I oughta break a broom handle off in your ass!