(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Tarzan and Jane)
Doug (vo): So what would you like to see? A sequel to Disney's Tarzan, one of the biggest summer hits when it came out, or just three episodes of a cartoon pilot series strung together and saying, "That makes it a movie"? Well, you got the goddamn latter. Give Tarzan and Jane credit that it's not called Tarzan II. No, no. We get that later. (We see the DVD cover for that movie) It's at least not pretending that this is supposed to be a flowing, cinematic follow-up. But, with that said, why even watch it? This is another anthology of stories that aren't really interesting, are usually pointless, doesn't have the same animation, doesn't have the same voice actors. They couldn't even get Phil Collins back. They just replay one of his songs in the opening and then have a completely different artist at the end sing them out. Are the stories tied together? Well, about as well as Cinderella II ties them together.
Doug (vo): Jane is excited because it's the one-year anniversary of Tarzan marrying her. So she's trying to figure out the best way to celebrate. But every idea she comes up with seems to have a really annoying story attached to it. The first story is about her friends coming back from England trying to save her, even though she doesn't need saving. The second is about some evil guys who come to the island who trick Tarzan into trying to show them where some diamonds are.
(Cut to a clip from Congo)
Herkermer Homolka (Tim Curry): No, no! The diamonds are here!
(Cut back to the movie)
Doug (vo): And the third story is about yet another asshole who comes to the island just to make things hard. The moral of the story is anyone who comes to the island not wearing a dress is gonna be a dick!
Doug (vo): What makes these especially funny is that everybody knows the story that's being told. Oh, I don't mean the audience, though. We can guess anything that's gonna happen, too. I'm talking about the characters. They literally know everything that happens. They live through it, yet, for some reason, they're sitting down and talking about it. Some of them don't even end with the same storyteller. One of them starts off with Jane telling the story, and then ends with the elephant finishing it. What the hell happened in-between?!
(Several scenes mostly used to describe the animation are shown)
Doug (vo): As you can tell from the animation, this doesn't look especially cinematic and looks more like a TV series, which...it eventually became. This was all just a test to see if kids would watch Tarzan and Jane in several different stories*. Well, guess what? People don't want a test. They want a movie, they want a show. Pick one and be it. I guess for a TV show, the animation isn't that bad. I mean, if I saw it on TV, I think it'd be totally acceptable.
- Note: The movie came out after "The Legend of Tarzan" TV show and, actually, consisted of three pilot episodes of this show which never aired in 2001. The stories would be eventually released as separate episodes in February 2003.
(Several of the characters are shown)
Doug (vo): The quality of the voice replacements, though, rarely sound like the original. In fact, some even sound a little uncomfortable. The only thing more annoying than Rosie O'Donnell's voice is somebody impersonating Rosie O'Donnell's voice.
Terk (April Winchell): I was there! I saw the apes, all right?
Doug (vo): Everyone sounds a little off, that is, except for Jane. While you know it's not Minnie Driver, whoever does the voice acting (Olivia d'Abo) actually brought kind of this unique energy to it. On top of that, Elaine's boss (John O'Hurley) plays one of the villains. Now that's just ideal acting. And sometimes, the friends get a little bit of a laugh, too. I don't know. I think it's just the people doing the impersonations that are a little odd. Not the worst, just...kind of awkward. It's made even more awkward by some of these lines. This one woman clearly has an attraction to Tarzan and talks about how hot it would be if he was in a cage.
Greenly: Jane, perhaps you could put it back in its cage now.
(Tarzan is seen sniffing Hazel, the plump lady in the blue dress, and she doesn't seem to mind)
Hazel: Cage? He's got a cage?
Doug (vo): Uh...that was weird!
Doug (vo): Nothing about Tarzan and Jane feels big, authentic or genuine. And if you look on the back or watch a preview, you can catch onto that very quickly. It is what it is, a quick cash-in to see if they can watch this Disney series. It looks that way, it plays that way, is it even worth getting that angry over? It's a waste of time some kids might enjoy, but I think everybody can agree is entirely pointless.
(A scene showing Tarzan and Jane kissing while fireflies go off in the night is shown)