Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
November 8, 2016
"Angry Video Game Nerd, Black Nerd, and the Nostalgia Critic look at the Turtle movie that was supposed to please every Turtle fan!"
(After the Nostalgia Critic opening, we start with a cover for Thirty Something Nerdy Critics comic book which has NC, the Angry Video Game Nerd and Andre the Black Nerd posing like the Turtles. It then cuts to panels of NC staring out at an exploding building while wearing a Raphael mask)
NC: (narrating in text boxes) My name is Nostalgia Critic... I made a wrong turn somewhere because I'm face to face with a mysterious glowing building. I hold my ancient ninja weapon...a gun, in relaxed ready position. (NC drops down off a skylight into a wardrobe room) I'm shocked to discover my closest of friends yet greatest of enemies...
(Andre is laughing while typing away at a computer while given the name "BLACK NERD STOCKMAN")
NC: Black Nerd Stockman, what's going on here?
BNS: I'm finally doing it. I'm making an authentic Ninja Turtles movie.
NC: What? How?
Andre: I'm putting in everything that's been missing. Krang as one of the villains, his giant robotic body, a Technodrome with an incredibly pointless eye on top. (laughs)
NC: (narrating) It sounds plausible, downright perfect, yet something seems off...
BNS: Tasty, isn't it? Yummy.
(Suddenly the Angry Video Game Nerd busts in wearing a Casey Jones mask and carrying a hockey stick)
NC: Well, if it isn't my old friend... (He's given the name "CASEY JAMES" after lifting his mask) Really? You're... You're playing Casey Jones?
CJ: Well, what? He's a whiny, good-looking complainer with a clean haircut, right?
NC: No! That's not what Casey's like at all!
BNS: Bebop and Rocksteady instead of Tokka and Rahzar. A black Baxter Stockman like in the original comics! Oh, this is gonna be good!
NC: (narrating) It should work, it should be amazing, so why is something telling me it's all gonna go wrong?
CJ: (narrating over NC) Man, I can't wait to see Krang in this movie, I've been waiting years to see him in-
NC: (narrating) Excuse me, do you mind? You're interrupting my word boxes!
CJ: (narrating) Oh, don't you talk about my word boxes! I LIKE WORD BOXES!
NC: Help me out here, would you?
Tamara: (bored) Oh, yeah, I'm totally invested.
(She's given the name TAMARA O'NEIL)
NC: Tamara? You've been with us before. How come you seem so disinterested this time around?
Tamara: Oh, I'm really interested. My miniskirt got like two inches shorter from panicking.
BNS: A Turtle van that shoots manhole covers, they can sell it in stores! Turtle gadgets, rocket skateboards! (laughs maniacally again)
NC: Black Nerd, I know you mean well, but I get a feeling this is all gonna...backfire.
CJ: Yeah, this all seems a little...uh?
(Malcolm comes in dressed like Bebop)
Malcolm: Hey, guys. What do you say we talk about our dicks and make fart jokes all day? Bebop!
NC: Where are you getting the money to do this anyway?
BNS: Oh, from him.
Bay: Hi, guys!
(He gets a name of SHRED-MICHAEL BAY-DER...I GUESS. Just his appearance is enough to scare NC and Nerd)
CJ: No, you can't trust him!
BNS: Oh, come on. He's not making the film, he's just financing it.
Bay: Yeah, you won't even notice I'm here. Oh, God, it's just such a pretty movie. You mind if I touch it?
BNS: Sure. Put your fingerprints all over it.
(Bay reaches out to touch the keyboard while NC and Nerd scream NOOOOO! at him, with Tamara saying it flatly as well. Once Bay touches the spacebar, we get to clips of the movie)
NC (vo): Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, the follow-up to the Michael Bay produced hit from 2014.
Nerd (vo): Everyone got excited for this movie because it was finally giving everyone everything the fans always wanted. I mean, everything.
BN (vo): Bebop and Rocksteady, Baxter Stockman, the Technodrome, the Turtle van, and most notably, (nasally) Krang, one of the biggest villains. (normal) How did people react to it?
(The three guys, now in their normal attire and sitting together at a desk, don't know what to say about it)
Nerd: It sucked.
NC: Little bit.
NC (vo): Some things are amazing and a ton of fun to watch, but other things are...
Nerd: It sucked.
NC: Yeah, we got it.
Nerd (vo): So what did this movie get right and what did this movie get wrong? Well, strap on your giant mechanical nunchuk arms...
NC: That's cool.
BN: We'll get to it. This is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Not to be confused with the video game of the same name.
NC: Is it a video game with the same name?
Nerd: It is.
(The guys then talk over each other about the game before NC smacks the desk)
NC: This is the movie!
NC (vo): It opens with New York looking unhealthily green...
Nerd (vo): They've been infected by a nuclear shamrock shake?
NC (vo): As the Turtles are jumping off the Chrysler Building to...pick up a pizza.
(The Turtles pick up a pizza box from a waiting pizza guy)
Mikey: Thanks, Kevin (Eastman), see you next week!
BN: We'll find out more ways to destroy your creation!
(The guys then get credits listing their name and titles. Leo: The Brain, Raph: The Muscle, Donnie: The Brains, Mikey: Pizza Lover)
Nerd (vo): The movie then literally spells out their names. Yeah, thanks, we would have forgotten if you hadn't reminded us.
NC (vo): We're not watching Game of Thrones. We can remember who these four are.
BN (vo): While also being nice enough to list their marketable stereotype.
(The guys fold their arms as their names come up, all three given the title of ASSHOLE)
BN (vo): They go to a Knicks game, because if you like Ninja Turtles, you obviously also love basketball, where it's revealed that Vern, played again by Will Arnett, is given credit for defeating the Shredder. How the hell is anyone supposed to believe that?
Announcer: But when danger struck the heart of our city, he singlehandedly battled Shredder, locking him up behind bars.
(Malcolm then comes into the room)
Malcolm: Hey, guys. Just thought I'd let you know that I just singlehandedly defeated Godzilla, (Godzilla is laid out in the streets with a puff of smoke coming out of his mouth) so if you'll excuse me, I'll be off to get the key to the city.
NC: Aww, good for you, Malcolm.
Nerd: Yeah, I'll just blindly believe that.
(Just as Malcolm leaves, BN asks the obvious question)
BN: Wait, how did you defeat him?
(NC smacks BN on the chest for that)
NC: You can't ask something like that!
Nerd: It's totally uncalled for.
NC: I'm sorry, Malcolm. He doesn't get it.
Malcolm: Take care of your friend. (He leaves the room)
NC: (whispering) What the hell's wrong with you?
Nerd: We all know who the real monster is.
NC (vo): The Turtles then shoot spitballs at him, because it's clearly more important than stopping crime, and they seem to get a direct hit.
(The Turtles all caw-caw at Vern)
Nerd (vo): I think they're all having simultaneous strokes.
(The scene is shown again before showing the guys doing the same cawing)
NC (vo): They get a call from April, played again by Megan Fox, who's following a scientist named Baxter Stockman, played by Tyler Perry, who she thinks is working for the Shredder.
BN (vo): Either that or Madea is undercover as Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Nerd: Neil deGrasse Tyson? Really?
BN: Yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
NC: You sure that Tyler Perry as Baxter Stockman doesn't look like anyone else you can think of?
BN: Nope. (NC leans in closer towards him) Fine, Tyler Perry's Baxter Stockman kinda looks like me.
NC: Really? I was gonna say he looks like the original comic, but now that you mention it, yeah, it does look exactly like him!
(NC and Nerd laugh at BN)
April: There's a big difference. (Under the table, she switches on a device to download everything from Stockman's tablet) I'm a nerd, not a geek. It's a difference between like TED talks and--
Stockman: Comic-Con, yeah. Haha!
NC (vo): She starts downloading information off of his iPad, but he's taken away before she can get all of it.
April: It has truly been an honor to meet you and you're really one of the greatest minds of our generation.
NC (vo): Huh. It's how most women get out of a conversation with Michael Bay.
BN (vo): Speaking of which, insert our gratuitous sexy shot as April finds an emergency schoolgirl uniform stand to disguise herself.
(April snags a dress, ties her blouse in a knot above her belly, and throws away her blonde wig. Somewhere along the way, the pantyhose she was wearing also disappear)
NC (vo): Maybelline: For your random spotlight-appearing, pantyhose-vanishing kleptomaniac tendencies. That'll be $94.25, bitch.
(April sneaks herself into a photoshoot along with other models so she can finally download the rest of Stockman's info)
Nerd: Wow. I didn't know such a lame excuse could get someone into skimpy clothing.
NC: Oh, Tamara. (Tamara comes into the room) Black Nerd is holding some information from us and the only way he'll spill it is if somebody dresses up in a Harley Quinn uniform. Accommodate us.
NC: But Michael Bay said you would.
BN: First season Harley Quinn?
Tamara: Okay, I'm not Megan Fox. You can't just easily replace me if I don't do what you want.
(Suddenly, Tamara is replaced by Aiyanna Wade dressed as the Suicide Squad version of Harley Quinn)
"Tamara": Of course not. Now, which of these baseball bats looks better?
(The guys laugh)
BN: That's our Tamara.
(With a laugh track, a caption on Aiyanna pops up, saying "This is Tamara Now")
Nerd (vo): We then see the Shredder being hauled to jail and...wait a minute.
(Two pictures appear, one with how the Shredder looked in the first movie and how he looks in the second movie)
Nerd: Who is this guy?!
(Scene cuts back to the original Shredder)
Nerd (vo): I know we didn't really see the Shredder's face in the first film, but even from that shadowy outline, we know this isn't the same guy. Even his reveal is nothing. Last time, it was big mystery what he looked like, and now, it's just, "Oh, hey. I'm Shredder. No biggie." He's unmasked the majority of the movie! That'd be like if Michael Myers was walking around without a mask.
NC: Yeah, it's like saying this Chris O'Donnell lookalike is Casey Jones.
Officer: Hey, Jones! They're all yours.
(A photo of Casey Jones from the comics and Stephen Amell, who plays Casey, appear on each side as the guys look at them both)
All three: What the hell?!
BN (vo): (speaks while various incarnations of Casey Jones are shown) Casey Jones is a pissed-off vigilante. He hates the justice system because he thinks it's broken, resulting in short-fused badass who doesn't play by the rules. Think Rambo meets Jason. (Casey from this movie is shown) What's this guy's story?
Casey: (to Rebecca Vincent) That's Officer Jones! And I'm going to be a detective someday.
NC: Close. Just take the exact opposite of everything he was, and that's him.
NC (vo): Look, the guy playing him, Stephen Amell, is a good actor. He's proven that time and time again. But in this movie, they're just not giving us who Casey Jones is.
Casey: What up, Big Daddy Lawbreaker?
NC (vo, as Casey): Ready to forget how awesome I was in Arrow?
Casey: (to Shredder) You got thirty-two counts of first-degree murder! Hot damn! Take it from someone who has his own problems with anger-management issues...
Nerd (vo): Oooh, that must mean he's a badass. He has anger management issues.
Casey: I, myself, am a hockey guy. Bone crushing on ice.
NC (vo): This movie's over-compensation is like that kid that says (whiny voice) "my mommy thinks I'm tough"!
Stockman: Here we go!
BN (vo): So Baxter Stockman and the Foot Clan ambush the truck to break him out.
(The Foot Clan blows up police cars and breaks into the van)
BN (vo): Actually, why do they even need the Shredder? It looks like they are doing pretty damn good without him.
NC (vo): Yeah, I think it's like losing Ted Healy from the Three Stooges. It's not a big loss.
Mikey: Nunchucks giganticus!
(Two mechanical nunchuck arms emerge from the turtle van)
NC: Okay, that was awesome.
(The turtle van goes through a tunnel that rips off the mechanical nunchuck arms)
BN: And they're gone.
Nerd: And the coolest thing only lasts a few seconds.
NC: Get used to that.
Nerd: Get used to life!
(Casey Jones sees Shredder is about to escape)
NC (vo, as Casey): If that is your real name!
(An inmate kicks Casey in the leg, knocking him over)
(He clicks a button on the computer mouse)
BN (vo): But Baxter uses a teleportation device to beam Shredder away, resulting in him somehow meeting up with (as 80s Krang) everybody's favorite alien brain, Krang!
Krang: You and your buddy, Dr. Stockman, found something of mine: the teleportation device.
NC: And now it's time to play (the caption of what he says appears) "Why is this awesome, but not as awesome as we thought it'd be?"
Nerd (vo): Krang looks pretty good even with the modern-day updates, but for some reason, they give his body this cluttered mechanical head instead of the traditional bald head from the cartoons? (Picture of 80s Krang in the suit is shown. Another clip showing Krang's suit with a more humanoid looking head is shown) I wouldn't mind so much, except in the trailers, they clearly did give him the bald head, so why change it?
BN: No, no, that's not the reason.
BN (vo): The real reason is because Krang barely gets an introduction before immediately throwing a ton of plot at us. Like, a ton.
Krang: That device is part of a machine called the Arc Capacitor. Amd it broke apart into three pieces. Collect the other two pieces and launch the Arc Capacitor to Earth's dimension. It will unlock a portal through which I can bring the Technodrome!
BN (vo): We barely have a chance to take in how awesome it is to see Krang on the big screen, because everything in this movie is so quickly rushed.
NC: No, that's not the reason, either. The big issue is his voice.
NC (vo): That's Brad Garrett, who's usually a pretty good choice, but he comes across as really...random in this.
(Shredder is wiping some of Krang's gunk off of his face)
Krang: Ooh, I'm sorry. Did I get a little tentacle mucus in your eyes?
NC (vo): The inflections, the pitch, the attitude, none of it seems to have any direction.
NC: Anyone with a weird, distinct voice can do it. (The others look around for something) I said anyone with a weird, distinct voice can do it. (Still nothing. He sighs) Get...I'll be right back.
(NC gets out of his chair and we cut to Jon Bailey of Honest Trailers at ConnectiCon in a Q&A panel)
Jon: That's a good question. Uh, I guess my favorite one is Pacific Rim. Uh, they forgot about the whole drifting thing... (laughing) They had that one part that was just separate from all the rest... (NC comes over to him and pulls him away by the ear with the crowd waving bye at him. We're back in the room) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
NC: Go! (NC heads back to his seat) All right, all right.
Jon: Wait, what am I doing?
(NC gets up again and heads back over to Jon)
NC: I'm trying to show that the voice of Krang is very random and anyone with a distinct voice can do it. So do some distinct voices!
(NC sits back down, but not for long)
Jon: Like what?
(NC gets back up again)
NC: Anything! You're good at this! Come up with any distinct voice you can think of. These back and forth shots are very difficult to edit!
(Just as NC sits back down, Nerd and BN keep NC sitting down)
Jon: How about Walken?
Jon (vo, as Krang with Christopher Walken's voice): Shredder. Shame on you. I see you're more than just an expensive barber. I wanna give you more power. Woopie-doo. I wanna be like you-hoo-hoo. And fuck the cops. FUCK 'em!
Jon: (as Sam Elliott) But Sam Elliott has different plans.
Jon (vo): I wanna use the Technodrome made by Dodge Ram to steal all the good sarsaparilla. I'm talking about the Krang here.
Jon: (as Marty McFly) With the help of Doc Baxter Stockman, that's heavy.
Jon (vo): Using the plutonium gotten from the Libyans, we're gonna make this town disappear faster than the Back to the Future animated series.
NC: Beautiful. Nicely done.
Jon: Wait, that's it? You've literally dragged me here just for this?
NC: Well, I can't really think of anything else to do with your talents.
BN: Wait a second. What if we turned him into a mutation of all the nostalgic Saturday morning cartoons?
Nerd: Ooh, like the comedy of the Ninja Turtles.
Jon: Cowabunga, dudes.
BN: And the strength of Lion-O.
Jon: Thundercats, ho!
Nerd: The brilliance of Batman.
Jon: I am the night.
NC: My God, this could be amazing. Go, Jon Bailey. Create the greatest combination of Saturday morning cartoons ever!
Jon: Oh, my God! I'm so excited! (And he runs out of the room)
BN: Ah, I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
Nerd: He's a good kid.
(Cut back to the Shredder and Krang)
NC (vo): What makes things even stranger is how willing Shredder is just to go along with this weird brains' domination plan. Literally in seconds, he agrees with it.
Krang: We could bring the people of your planet to their knees.
Shredder: I'm interested.
NC: No, no, no. The correct answer is...WHO ARE YOU?!?
Nerd: WHAT ARE YOU?!?
BN: WHERE THE HELL IS THIS?!?
NC: WHAT?!? WHAT?!?
BN (vo): We then cut to Laura Linney as the police chief (Chief Vincent), because a woman in a pantsuit will balance out a woman in a short skirt.
NC (vo): Hey, it worked for black people in Transformers 2. (Pictures of Tyrese Gybson and Skids and Mudflap are shown back-to-back)
Nerd (vo): Her only job is to roll her eyes and say, "nope, wrong, uh-uh".
CV: (various scenes) You proved to be an authority on nothing. / Don't take help from someone who's responsible for losing them. / And where did you recover this? / Leave this manhunt to the professionals.
NC: When will people learn that the doubting police chief in movies is always right?
Nerd (vo): She throws Jones off the case because, big surprise, they don't believe his story about giant turtles.
CV: Thanks for your statement, Jones.
Casey: That's Officer Jones! (skip) Look, I can help you catch these guys. (skip) I'm not crazy. (skip) I know these streets better than anyone.
(NC, Nerd and BN imitate Casey by whining and gesturing)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because he decides to solve the case himself. And you better watch out, because when he goes rogue, he roughs up...people's glasses...
(Casey throws the drinking glass into the bar, breaking it)
Nerd (vo): Ooh. He's really off the rails. (Clips of Casey from the 1990 movie are shown) In the original film, he's beating the shit out of bad guys, (back to the movie) but here, he's throwing CDs. CD's nuts?!
Bartender: Are you out of your mind?!
Casey: Getting there. (throws the drinking glass)
BN: Does this fall more under interrogating or temper tantrums?
Casey: I love this song. (breaks the glass of the jukebox)
BN (vo): But, hey, it was a Vanilla Ice CD any through, so that's a reference, and that's the point!
Bartender: Have a GPS. You'll find him with that.
NC (vo): So Shredder finds the two inmates who helped him escape called Bebop and Rocksteady, and uses them as test subjects for one of Krang's weapons.
(As 2016 Bebop and Rocksteady are mutating, a clip from the 1987's show is played below)
BN (vo): Now, in most incarnations, they mutated by combining people with animals, using the same ooze that made the Turtles. Simple. Makes a lot of sense. So what's the complicated reasoning here?
Baxter: Inside every human, there's a dormant gene which ties us to our animal ancestors. It's as if that purple ooze has returned them to their rightful place in the animal kingdom.
(NC, Nerd and BN are confused by this)
Nerd: What the hell are you talking about?!
BN (vo): Animal ancest... What?.. What was wrong with just "put the ooze on them and combine them with other animals"? Does this mean other people have animal ancestors, like (pictures of) Snoop Dogg was actually a dog?
NC (vo): Taylor Lautner was actually a llama?
Nerd (vo): Wallace Shawn was actually a seal?
BN (vo): Hey, Dennis Hopper, what are you descended from?
(A clip from Super Mario Bros.: The Movie is shown)
Koopa: Tyrannosaurus rex, the lizard king.
NC: The story behind the rock band is making more sense than you!
Bebop: (to Rocksteady) You're a rhinoceros!
Rocksteady: And you're a... I don't know what you are.
NC (vo, as Pumbaa): Hey, Timon! Time to make our obligatory cock joke!
(Bebop and Rocksteady examine their crotches)
BN (as Timon): Pumbaa! Not in front of the kids.
Bebop and Rocksteady: My man! (they fist bump)
BN (vo): Yeah, have fun sending dick pics to the cast of The Jungle Book.
Nerd (vo): Well, it goes along great with their fart jokes.
(Cut to a later scene)
Rocksteady: Well, I got a big bang for ya. (farts right in Bebop's face)
Bebop: Oh, man, that is awful!
NC: How's the cartoon for kids coming across as more adult?
Nerd (vo): April sees what happened and tries to escape, but Casey's there to save her, wearing his trademark hockey mask. And this is the only time you'll see him wearing it.
Nerd: Did you enjoy it?
BN: Too bad.
NC (vo): Casey's introduced to the Turtles, and they're trying to figure out the best way to track Bebop and Rocksteady, but he doesn't want anything to do with it.
Casey: I was doing just fine! / If you want to get work done, don't spend time at the zoo. / And now I'm gonna find them... / No, it's like they say...
(The guys mock Casey again by whining)
BN: ...Arrow's Wednesday on The CW.
(Donnie drops some of the purple ooze on his hand, turning it from a three-fingered turtle hand into a five-fingered human one)
BN (vo): But Donatello makes an amazing, if not totally nonsensical discovery: if Krang's ooze can turn people into animals, perhaps it can turn the Turtles into humans.
Nerd (vo): Maybe if they combine it with that Super Nintendo controller on his (Donatello's) arm, we can get a really good Turtles game.
(The cover for the Super Nintendo TMNT game, with the caption "The NES version done right!", is shown)
Leonardo: We don't need that kind of change.
NC (vo): But Leo says "no" without consulting the others, which eventually makes its way to Raph and Mikey.
Raphael: You should consult with us before you decide to do something like that!
Leonardo: There's only one vote that counts in this family: mine.
(Raphael glares at Leonardo)
BN: Well, at least they keep the most important of Turtle traditions.
NC: Leo is always the worst leader.
1987's Leonardo: Master Splinter will be very upset...
2007's Leonardo: Stop this vigilante nonsense.
1990's Leonardo: (to Raphael) Well, you act like a jerk sometimes.
1987's Leonardo: (to Raphael) I can't believe you!
2007's Leonardo: Aw, come on! What were you thinking?!
1990's Leonardo: Go ahead! We don't need you!
1987's Leonardo: I order you to stay!
2007's Leonardo: I'm better than you.
BN: Is there an ooze that just transforms you into less of an asshat?
Nerd (vo): Raph and Mikey want to break into police headquarters to get more of the ooze, so they call on Vern to help them sneak in.
Vern: Guys like you and me, we're kind of the same.
Carmelo Anthony: Right.
Vern: Now, we bring a lot of joy and hope into people's lives...
NC (vo, as Vern): I will erase years of Bojack (Horseman) in one single performance!
April: We need to go. Bring that key to the city with you.
(While the security guards take a group selfie with Vern, April and Casey sneak past them)
BN (vo): Michael Bay gets tired of making the military look like idiots, so he turns to making the police look like idiots, as our heroes easily sneak past them. With Megan Fox saying "Cowabunga". And NOT the Turtles.
(Raph slips April a keycard through the air vents)
BN (vo): Win.
(Foot Clan soldiers burst through the door, and April barely reacts)
Nerd (vo): Wow, gotta love that incredible look of shock and horror on April's face. Did she find out they're in trouble, or tried to hold back a fart?
BN (vo): In fact, a lot of Megan Fox's performance is underplayed. Where in the first film, she was at least passable and clearly trying, since most of the movie's about her, here, she sounds more like a lifeless computer generation than the actual lifeless computer generations!
April: (various scenes) Looking at the data from Baxter's iPad. / Uh, excuse me. I named them. / We need to find Shredder. / That footage has been altered. / Baxter is working with the Foot Clan. / I want you to be the hero that the whole city thinks you are.
NC (vo, mocking Megan Fox's performance): April-bot, not amused. April-bot only trying when in schoolgirl fetish mode. (normal) But the Turtles are stopped by the police.
Mikey: Wait! We're the good guys!
Officer #1: Get on the ground!
Officer #2: What are those things?
Officer #1: They're monsters. They're monsters!
Mikey: We're not monsters.
Nerd (vo, as Leonardo): Hey, green lives matter.
(Casey runs in front)
Casey: No! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
April: (to the Turtles) Go now!
(The Turtles manage to escape)
Nerd (vo, as officer): Um, we could still shoot you. Uh, okay, whatever. Have a good day.
BN (vo): The Turtles are, of course, bummed out at how people looked at them.
Mikey: (talks to Splinter, while crying) You should've seen the looks on their faces. They weren't just scared. There was...actual hate.
NC (vo, as Mikey): It's like when they released our images online.
Splinter: It will be all right, my son.
Donatello: I got something!
BN (vo): But enough of that emotional stuff, because this movie can't take two seconds without moving somehow!
Nerd (vo): It seems Donnie can track Bebop and Rocksteady's DNA, because, of course he can...
(Suddenly, Jon rushes back to the guys)
Jon: Okay, guys. I drew up some sketches. (A sketch of such a character is shown) I was thinking my character should have, like, G.I. Joe tanks for arms, and, like, He-Man swords for fingers.
NC: Brilliant, Jon. Go! Perfect your creation!
Jon: This could be so cool! (leaves the room with excitement)
NC: (sighs) He's adorable when he's happy.
BN: I want to bottle him up.
(And we go to commercial)
Nerd (vo): So the turtles catch a plane to Brazil where Bebop and Rocksteady are, only to find they are flying back directly under them. That's quite a coincidence!
(Leonardo, Donatello and Mikey, wearing the parachute bags, go up on the plane while Raphael is already falling down)
Donatello: Where's Raph?
NC (vo, as Donatello): And how are we breathing up here?
Nerd (vo): And how can a plane fly with no tail?!
NC: I... This tank scene is awesome.
(A montage of the turtles fighting Bebop and Rocksteady is shown while the guys scream and cheer in excitement. BN accidentally punches NC)
BN: Oh. Sorry.
(And the guys resume cheering)
NC: YEAH! LOVE THIS SCENE!
Nerd: Finally, the turtles fighting Bebop and Rocksteady on the big screen!
BN: Yeah, did you guys enjoy that?!
NC & Nerd: Yeah!
BN: Good! (suddenly looks angry) 'Cause it's the only time that the Turtles fight Bebop and Rocksteady in the entire movie.
BN (vo): Instead, what do we get? More of Leonardo being a dick again.
Leo: Thanks, guys, real team effort. / What do you know about anything? You're all heart and no brains. / We may be brothers, but we are not a team.
All three: Worst leader ever.
BN (vo): But don't worry. Even after Laura Linney sees the Turtles, with her own eyes, she still doesn't believe Casey or April about there being more mutants like them.
April: The only real monster in this city is Shredder and the two mutants that he's created.
Casey: Bebop and Rocksteady.
CV: If you think anything coming out of your mouth is going to add to her credibility, you are solely mistaken.
Nerd (vo): What is wrong with her? She saw the damn things! She has no reason not to believe them!
Casey: You still owe her a phone call.
CV: I don't owe anybody anything.
NC (vo): There's even altered security footage with Bebop and Rocksteady that was in there, but now they're erased out, and their "advanced police technology" doesn't catch on that it's a fake.
April: That footage has been altered. It's been edited.
CV: We checked its authenticity. It's clean.
NC (vo): Way to be proven wrong later! How the chucking shell do they even check authenticity, then?! Do they do any actual police work?!
(Malcolm comes in)
Malcom: Guys, remember how I said I defeated Godzilla before?
BN: Yeah, but how did you...
(NC hits him in the stomach to quiet him)
Tamara: Well, there's an even bigger monster out there, and we need your help to get rid of him.
NC: Mmm, I don't know. Police chief, what do you think?
(Heather Durham appears, dressed and acting like CV)
CV Heather: They have no idea what they are talking about. It makes me so mad, I want to bulge my eyes out, and ballow my head in disgust!
Nerd: Well, she's the police chief.
BN: Yeah, she is in that position for a reason.
Malcolm: But you can see the monster I defeated before. (cut to the defeated Godzilla)
Tamara: There's literally no reason not to trust us.
CV Heather: I've checked the authenticity of their eyes, and they are not clean.
NC: Well, she checked the authenticity.
Malcom: Okay, screw you, guys! I've got a city to save. (leaves)
Tamara: You know, this is ridiculous! None of you have any idea what you are talking about, (to CV Heather) and you're a disgrace to law enforces everywhere!
NC: Sheesh, Tamara! We liked you a lot better earlier.
(Aiyanna Harley Quinn is back in Tamara's place)
"Tamara": Well, thanks, guys.
(Aiyanna winks as the audience laughs and the caption "This Is Tamara Now" appears again)
CV Heather: It's okay. I'm here so she can look like that.
Nerd (vo): Krang enters our world through a portal in the sky, because that's the only transportation that exists anymore, as the Turtles try to figure out what's going on.
Donatello: Patching into the main data core. Ships designated as the the Technodrome. Commanding officer goes by the name of Krang.
BN (vo): Good God! I know Donatello does machines, but is there anything Donny's technology doesn't know? You're making Penny Gadget's book computer look like a Samsung Note 7.
(The caption "This Review Is Officially Dated" appears at the bottom of the screen)
NC (vo): They decide it's probably best if they blend in, so Leo leaves up to his brothers to decide whether or not they should use the ooze to make them human.
Leonardo: I'll do whatever you guys say. It's your call.
(Raphael throws the vial against the wall, causing it to break)
NC (vo, as Raphael): I say, fuck this pointless plot thread!
Nerd (vo): What? So we never see them as human?! What a missed opportunity!
BN (vo): Yeah, and for the guy who claims Leonardo makes all the decisions, he sure made a decision to smash the ooze without asking any of his brothers!
NC (vo): Talk about a pointless waste of an awesome idea!
(Jon runs back into the room)
Jon: I've done it! I've created it! The most incredible character to turn into! (picture of...) Super-Thunder-Morphin-Bat-Ninja-He-Joe! The coolest mutation you've ever seen in your lives. My body is ready. Transform me!
BN: Eh... You know what? Now that we've thought about it...it's just not worth it.
Nerd: If this movie taught us anything, it's don't give the audience exactly what they want, just tease them with it.
Jon: But it has bullets for nipples and fire for nose hairs!
NC: But don't you feel like you've learned a valuable lesson?
NC: Well, that's your loss, not mine.
(All three wave goodbye. Jon begins to cry as the next scene comes down in front of him)
BN (vo): After Baxter sets up the portal, big surprise! Shredder betrays him.
Shredder: I'll be a god! You'll just be just what you've always been...
NC: A parasite?
BN: An insect?
Nerd: A half-human, half-bug hybrid?
Shredder: A footnote.
All three: BOOOO!
(The Nerd thumbs down)
BN: You suck.
BN (vo): It was right there! Couldn't they just CGI in a flylady to give us hope?!
NC (vo): Well, everyone is betraying everyone, as Shredder, dressed like a ninja Eiffel Tower, is frozen like a bitch and stored with the other Smash Bros. trophies.
Krang: Back in the toy chest, with the rest of the things I've broken.
BN: That was our big villain.
NC: Does Shredder ever not go out like an asshole?
(It's shown how the Shredder is easily defeated in the 2014 movie, the 1990 movie, and its sequel)
1987's Shredder: But I wanna conquer Earth!
Nerd: I guess not.
BN (vo): So April, Vern, and Casey try to sneak in this to send the Technodrome back to its dimension.
Casey: (to Bebop and Rocksteady) Hey, fellas! Remember me?
BN (vo, as Bebop): Actually, we don't.
Nerd (vo, as Rocksteady): Yeah, your performance was pretty forgettable.
(April gestures for Vern to take down a Foot Clan soldier)
Vern: (whispering) What? (April gestures again) Why me?
NC (vo, as April): Uh, I have tits.
(Vern knocks the Foot Clan soldier over, and then it shows Casey running from Rocksteady, as he plows through cars)
BN (vo, as Casey): Oh, if only I had my intimidating hockey mask.
NC (vo, as Casey): Yeah, then you'd know I am a guy with anger-management issues.
Nerd (vo): But Casey locks them in a crate and potentially murders them.
Rocksteady: (coughing) Yeah, Beebs?
Bebop: My man.
BN: Wasted line.
BN: My man! (They fist bump as the Nerd nods silently) Now, let's all look at our dicks. (And the three proceed to do just that)
NC (vo): The Turtles approach Krang and try to defeat him.
Krang: I'll only warn you once. Get off my ship!
NC (vo, as Leonardo): Donnie, you heard him. Get off his ship.
(April and Vernon face off against Karai)
Karai: Come on.
NC (vo, as April): Vern, take her on. I have tits.
Nerd (vo, as Vern): So does she!
NC (vo, as April): Ehhhh, it's different!
Mikey: (throwing Donatello something) Donnie!
Donatello: The electromagnetic force of the portal is coming from there.
(The Technodrome is destroyed, and the Turtles start cheering)
BN (vo): Yay! Science babble!
NC (vo): So, we never do get to see the fully put-together Technodrome..
Nerd (vo): ...techno-blows!
NC (vo): ...but April is still there to report on it.
BN (vo): Oh, yeah! She's a reporter. I forgot.
April: What was that threat from the sky and how exactly was it averted? But the bigger question is, does it even matter?
NC (vo, as April): And will I ever act like I give a shit in another movie again?
Nerd (vo): The Turtles are rewarded by New York's dumbest and apologize for being such loudmouth idiots.
NC (vo): Are rewarded except for Splinter, who is just in the corner watching. Awkward.
CV: Leonardo. Raphael. Donatello. Michelangelo. (whispers) Last name?
Donatello: Uh, not so much.
NC (vo, as Splinter): And Splinter! I raised them, but don't pay any attention to me! I'm just the reason they exiiiist!
Raphael: Think we'll stick with the arrangement we've had.
BN (vo): But it looks like the Turtles are happy staying a secret in New York, so it's more of a...peaking out of the shadows?
CV: You could live a normal life.
Raphael: What fun is that?
(The four turtles stand on the torch of the Statue of Liberty)
NC (vo, as Mikey): Yay! We're out of the shadows, but not really!
BN (vo, as Donatello): And we're being spotlighted where a lot of people can see us!
Nerd (vo, as Leonardo): I'm so confused.
NC: So that was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. How was it?
All three: (prepare to clap each other's hands, but stop halfway through) COWA... Eh.
(The movie's clips play out for the last time as the three reviewers state their final thoughts. The clips from the 2014 movie are shown at one point as well)
NC (vo): Some things are really cool. Many of the action scenes are creative and energized, but the plot never takes a break from throwing shit at you.
Nerd (vo): It's amazing seeing Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, but it would have been even more amazing if they were in a movie that had more weight to it.
BN (vo): It really is like one long version of the cartoon, which sounds perfect, in theory. I love that we get more references and fanservice, but, even for Ninja Turtles, we still want a movie that makes sense.
NC (vo): Even though the original film didn't have everything, they treated it like it was a film. They took time to set things up and establish atmosphere. This movie just kind of goes from one crazy thing to another crazy thing without any of it ever adding up.
Nerd (vo): So I guess if you want to see one long live-action version of the Turtle cartoon right down to the hokey writing and rushed subplots, this is the Turtle movie you've been waiting for.
BN (vo): But if you're looking for a movie that captures everything awesome about the Turtles, this gets it right sometimes, but feels like a mess all the other times.
NC: And speaking of which, what was that giant monster Malcolm and Tamara were talking about before, anyway?
(Suddenly, the three hear a noise. They leave the desk and run outside, passing by Heather as CV)
CV Heather: There's nothing to see up there! They are not yours! Do not trust your...Aaah!
(NC pushes her out of the way. The three look up at something)
BN: My God!
(And it's a giant Michael Bay on the rampage!)
BN: Michael Bay's crappy influence have gotten so large, he's become gigantic!
Bay: That's nothing. You know how Krang's mind was in its stomach? (The three nod in response) Well, take a look what mine is!
(He turns around, and we see that...Zack Snyder's head (who's played again by Walter Banasiak) is in Bay's ass!)
Snyder: Hey, guys!
(NC, Nerd and BN gasp in horror and disgust)
Snyder: Bay and I have fused into one. Our love of destroying things has finally resulted in the destruction of our species!
Nerd: Ugh! Only we can fight a horrible idea with an equally horrible idea!
(Then, the plaid platypus with bunny ears falls from the sky and lands near Bay and Snyder. He's voiced by...Malcolm)
Malcolm Platypus: Hello!
Malcolm Platypus: Yeah, it turns out my animal ansestor was a giant plaidipus bunny. I just played around with that dormant gene and, here I am. (The three nod) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go breathe fire on these guys, because that's what platypus bunnies can do.
(And he breathes fire on Snyder and Bay)
(Their fusion explodes. NC, Nerd and BN cheer for Malcolm Platypus)
Malcolm Platypus: Rocket feet away! (he flies up in the air, leaving an explosion behind him)
Nerd: Well, there's only one thing to say after a crazy adventure like that.
BN: I know exactly what you mean!
(They prepare to clap each other's hands)
All three: COWA... (They stop midway again)
NC: This was really weird.
NC: I-I don't think we earned...that...
Nerd: Want to play Turtles III NES instead?
NC: Yeah, that sounds good.
BN: Haven't played it in a while!
NC: Right, it's been a good long time.
Nerd: It's the most overlooked Turtles game...
(Just as they go inside, a giant Super-Thunder-Morphin-Bat-Ninja-He-Joe, voiced by Jon, appears on the street)
STMBNHJ: Don't forget Super-Thunder-Morphin-Bat...
(And we come to the credits)
STMBNHJ: Dang it!
Channel Awesome Tagline - Turtles: Ca-caw! Ca-caw!