Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
April 1st, 2015
(We open today's episode with the theme sounding like the opening to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987))
Thirty Something Nerdy Critics! (x3)
Bitching over nothing... geeky power!
They're the world's most sheltered whiny geeks!
NC: We're really white.
They're zeroes in a nutshell and they're freaks!
Nerd: Hey, go fuck your mother!
When the evil Bay attacks, these boys'll show he's a motherfucking hack!
Thirty Something Nerdy Critics! (x2)
TV taught them 'bout the turtle teens!
Nerd: We wasted our lives to this thing.
Nerd reviews bad games, Critic reviews bad movies.
NC: Space Jam still fuckin' sucks!
And that's really all that there is; what you're hearing now are filler lyrics!
Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3)
Bitching over nothing... geeky power!
(We come to a title card styled like the show)
"Episode Related Pun." Written by: Overly Obsessed Fans
(We come to a zoom-in of Chicago before transitioning to NC's living room, where the Nerd and NC are waiting in front of a TV Screen.)
Nerd: Master, we got your message about the impending danger.
NC: Yeah, something about a great evil coming?
(Their master being Santa Christ (Rob Walker))
Santa Christ: I sense a terrible force that is consuming our youth and threatening to destroy the Ninja Turtles franchise.
NC: (gasps) That is NOT radical!
SC: I sense Megan Fox as April! (Picture of Megan Fox as April O'Neil on the corner.)
NC and Nerd gasp
SC: Dick ugly CGI roadkill! (Picture of Michelangelo on the corner.)
NC and Nerd gasp
Santa Christ: And all of it being produced by Michael Bay! (Picture of Michael Bay in the corner.)
NC and Nerd gasp louder
NC: Isn't that the man so insecure about his masculinity, he gave Transformers testicles?
SC: The same.
Nerd: Master, what do we do to stop this bullshit?
SC: First, you must review the movie!
NC: Well, duh.
Nerd: That's kind of a given.
Santa Christ: Second, you must find the Heart of the Ninja Turtles and remind the world of it!
NC: The Heart of the Ninja Turtles?
Nerd: Where do we begin?
SC: Start with the basics: Try rescuing April O'Neil.
NC: What, but--she's been kidnapped?
SC: Do you see her right in front of you?
SC: Then she's been kidnapped. Go, my sons! Find the heart of the franchise and rip this Turtle turd a new one!
(The two look to each other and nod before heading out.)
Nerd: Um, is it just me or does the city seem a little more, uh...animated?
(The city looks like a scene out of the 1987 TMNT cartoon)
NC: I just assume you see everything as a cartoon. Now, come on, start the review while we save April.
(And the two head out on their epic quest. At the same time, the movie begins)
Nerd (vo): The film starts with their origin story, which I think is paying homage to the graphic novel, but it's kinda pointless, seeing how they're just gonna explain it again a few scenes later.
Splinter (voiced by Tony Shalhoub): You are extraordinary, my sons. But your training is not yet complete.
(One of the scenes in the opening shows a nunchuk smashing a VHS tape)
Nerd (vo): Huh. I hope that VHS tape was Ninja Turtles 3. (We get a clip from Nerd's review of it where he slices it in half with a katana.)
Splinter: You are going to be responsible for amazing things.
NC (vo): But they abandon the world inspired by an overly violent perv like Frank Miller, to a different world inspired by an overly violent perv like Michael Bay. And at the center is Megan Fox.
April O'Neil: Wait, you said de-animating agents. Those are used in genetic research.
NC (vo): (as Fox) Look, I'm wearing yellow, so I'm April now. (normal) Now, to Fox's credit, she's really not... that bad.
(A clip of April tied up in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game is shown)
Nerd (vo): Yeah, April is known for always being saved. (A clip of April delivering the final kick to Shredder is shown) But in this film, it really only happens once at the end. And even then, she still manages to give the finishing blow. That pretty much never happens.
NC (vo): Still, it doesn't help that the character's likeable energy and perkiness takes a backseat to being dull as a pet rock.
April: Hi, guys, this is April O'Neil from Channel 6 News, and I'm here in beautiful New York City on the first day of Spring, and you know what that means?
Nerd (vo): Yeah, even as the light news stories go, would you really watch her? She looks as disinterested as kids doing a homework assignment.
(The guys are walking through the cartoon city streets.)
NC: Maybe she just needs a different outfit. Like the "giant cleavage wrapped in banana peel" look.
Nerd: Oooh, you saw Michael Bay's notes.
(Nerd hands NC a paper which has a drawing of April with huge boobs titled "MAKE LIKE THIS!!!" The arrows pointing to her have the words "Boobs," "Big Boobs," "Titahs," and "Wow" on it.)
NC: Why do you have this?
Nerd: (Taking the paper back and putting it in his shirt pocket, worried.) No reason.
(Back to the movie, where April is jumping on a trampoline)
NC (vo): Though, give Michael Bay's 13-year-old brain credit. He did find a way to actually somehow get her on a trampoline.
Harley Pasternak: I want you to visualize a sexy seagull. Picture you're leaving the cold north and you're flying.
NC (vo): I can just see him now saying, "No, no, it's supposed to be shot in slo-mo and in extreme close-ups. (The scene is slowed down and zoomed in on April) God, it's like this director sees women as people or something."
(Cut to April talking to somebody on a phone)
Mr. Revetti: Call my guy, Stan. He'll tell you anything else you need to know, okay?
NC (vo): She gets a tip from Chef (Gordon) Ramsay that something shady's going down that night at the docks, and she snoops in to see what it is.
(Masked men are waving flashlights around, which are mounted to their guns)
Nerd (vo): Yeah, wave those guns with lights around. Nobody will ever notice the secretive Foot Clan.
(Someone appears and defeats the Foot Clan)
NC (vo): Of course, they're stopped by our unseen heroes as April notices that they left a calling card.
Nerd (vo): Because, ninja leave no trace.
(We see April talking to her friend at her apartment)
April: I'm freaking out! I just saw a Foot Clan attack.
NC (vo): Oh, hi, roommate who literally has no purpose in this movie at all. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this film, didn't you?
April: I was riding my bike by the docks. It was night, it's dark, already and there are Foot Clan soldiers everywhere. Then out of nowhere, there was this guy fighting back.
Nerd (vo): Then from out of dark came an awesome sound, shouted "cowabunga" as they hit the ground! From the field of weeds, THE HEROES RESCUED THE FLOWER, 'CAUSE THEY POSSESSED TURTLE POWER!!!
NC: Nerd, Nerd. It's in the past. Let it go.
(The two continue on their walk.)
(We cut to April at her newspaper job, where the boss comes in)
Bernadette Thompson (Whoopi Goldberg): We need a lead for tonight. Who's got 'em?
Employee: Uh, major league developments proposed for Lower Manhattan.
Nerd (vo): Hey, I've got one: Why the fuck is Whoopi Goldberg in this movie?
April: I witnessed an attempted Foot Clan robbery at the docks in Brooklyn last night.
NC (vo; as Bernadette): Aw, Christ! Was today Bring Your Daughter to Work Day?
Bernadette: I'm gonna assume that you would not come up here and tell us this fantastic story without some tangible proof.
April: I took this photo.
(Bernadette rolls her eyes.)
Nerd (vo): Why is she rolling her eyes like that? Does she NOT want proof of her story?
NC (vo): Maybe, she [Bernadette] just doesn't like the folder she's [April] keeping it in.
NC (vo; as Bernadette): Brown? Puh! That's so like her.
Nerd (talking in NC's voice): It makes no sense.
NC (talking in the Nerd's voice): Hey, wait, did my voice just come out of your mouth?
Nerd (normal voice): Yeah, that was weird.
(They shrug and continue walking)
Nerd (vo): The proof isn't enough, but that doesn't stop The Shredder from warming up, by breaking the hands of the Foot Clan with his chin. I guess people can do that now.
(We see the Shredder in his lair, talking with Karai)
Karai: We couldn't have anticipated the vigilante showing up at the docks.
Shredder: お前はその国のいした図だ。(Omae wa sono kuni no i shita zuda.)
Karai: We've never seen an enemy like this.
NC (vo; as Shredder): Wait, are we speaking Japanese or English? We keep going back and forth.
Shredder: I don't believe in fairytales.
NC (vo; as Shredder) Oh, damn it, now you got me doing it. It's like vine: Once you see someone do it, you want to start doing it yourself.
Nerd (vo): The Foot Clan lures the Turtles out by holding people hostage in a green subway. Because for some reason, subways in movies always have to be green. (shows multiple photos of subways in movies to prove his point.)
Karai: We know you're out there! If you don't surrender, we start executing hostages!
NC (vo; as Karai): Don't make me explain why everyone is hiding their identity behind a mask, except me. Oh, I'm hoping they put my face on Assassin's Weekly.
(The Turtles appear in silhouette and fight the Foot Clan)
NC (vo): The Turtles, of course, save the day, and April is the only one who somehow notices them and follows.
(A Turtle lands in front of April. It slowly pans up)
NC and Nerd: (as they observe the shot) Good... good... (they see Raphael's face and groan in disappointment)
NC (vo): Goddamn it!
Nerd (vo): So close.
(The Turtles are shown full view for the first time as NC speaks)
NC (vo): The design of the Turtles aren't that bad. They have different articles of clothing that not only match their character, but also help us to tell them apart easier. But, Jesus Christ, what did they do to their faces? They just look... ugly!
(With each description, we are treated to a picture of said description.)
NC (vo): It's like if the Annoying Orange was an annoying avocado.
Nerd (vo): Or if Slippy Frog got Botox injections, and then got herpes.
NC (vo): Or if the Finding Nemo turtle (Crush) got Jaundice!
Nerd (vo): Or if that troll from Lord of the Rings joined a street gang!
NC (vo): Bottom line, they don't look very go... ooh, ooh! Like a radioactive Smurf that got caught in an oyster!
Nerd (vo): You got too greedy.
NC (vo, ashamed): I know...
Leonardo: Do not say a word about this to anyone. If you do, we will find you… April O'Neil.
Nerd (vo): Oooh, they know her name. She's on the news!
(April watches as the Turtles leave off-screen)
Michelangelo: Guys, I totally talked to a girl!
Other turtles: Shut up, Mikey!
NC: And speaking of April, it looks like we found her.
(NC and the Nerd are hiding behind a crate. Scene changes to show Krang and April (played by Tamara Chambers) all tied up, and next to a bomb)
Krang: Unless your friends arrive, your final newscast will be blown out of proportion, Miss O'Neil.
(We then see the two again, only their glasses have been switched.)
NC: Right, if we save her, we're sure to get to the heart of the Ninja Turtles. We just need a plan.
Nerd: Wait a minute, are our glasses switched?
(They switch to their proper glasses, confused.)
NC: Man, a lot of mistakes have been going on around here. So, what are we going to do?
Nerd: Well, I wired one of my calculators into this super molecular discombobulating device.
NC: That seems amazingly implausible, but let's use it!
(They confront Krang, who turns in their direction)
Krang: I smell walking talking geeks!
NC: Oh, come on, his lips didn't even move!
(The Nerd fires his weapon and turns Krang into Dulé Hill (played by Malcolm Ray))
DH: Hi, I'm West Wing and Psych star Dulé Hill… bye!
(DH walks away, leaving April and the Critics stunned)
NC: Holy smokes, how did you do that?
Nerd: I just re-arranged his molecules using the bio energy emanating from this retro animator integrator...science babble, science babble, science babble.
NC: My God, this is amazing. We could change the world with this!
Nerd: Actually, let's never use it, comment on it, or ever reference it again.
NC: That works, too. Yeah, I'm fine with that.
(NC and Nerd approach April, both eager to untie her.)
NC: I get to untie her.
Nerd: I'll untie her!
NC: No, I'll untie her!
Nerd: I'LL UNTIE HER!
NC: NO, I'LL UNTIE HER!!
April: What a story!
(She writes on her notepad, revealing that she can move her arms)
NC: Wait a minute, you can get out of that the whole time?
April: Of course. These guys know as much about tying knots as E.L. James.
Nerd: Then why the hell didn't you do anything?!
April: Because it's a great story. Brain behind operation is literally brain behind operation. Villains try to take over the world with alien technology when they could just make a fortune selling it, mutants roam the city during the day, yet nobody seems to care.
(NC and Nerd leave April frustrated,, and forgetting about the bomb)
April: Turtles try to stay secret even though they are constantly on TV and newspapers. News reporter wears a yellow jumpsuit during every report (shows the bomb ticking down), and yet somehow never gets fired.
(Offscreen explosion as NC and Nerd walk into the frame. NC is talking to SC on a Turtlecom.)
NC: Hey, master, I don't think we're looking in the right place.
Nerd: Yeah, there's something very... silly about this.
SC: Very well, then. Try defeating the Foot Clan. I hear they're trying to blow up the city dam.
NC: That's not bad, the Foot's a big part of the turtles' identity.
SC: Then onwards, my sons. You can do it!
(SC's face is replaced by static.)
Nerd: You can do it?
NC: All right, let's go kick some Foot....that's surprisingly not redundant!
Nerd: Wait, wait, wait! There's something very familiar about this!
NC: Will you knock it off? We're losing pixelated sunlight. Now come on, we have a job to do!
(They head off, walking down the streets, which have now turned into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on NES. Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So strangely enough, April and the Turtles had a connection before. As her home movies reveal, not only did she used to be Mara Wilson, but she also saw the Turtles grow up in her father's lab. She even gave them their love of pizza.
Nerd: So this part is going to piss off the purist of Turtle fans.
NC: So, while we talk about it, I'm going to put something up to distract you so that you can get more angry about that rather than what we're saying. (He puts up a picture that says "Greedo shot first" in the corner.)
Nerd: I kind of like that change.
NC: Yeah, me, too.
Nerd (vo): Don't get me wrong, the stars must have all had to have been aligned for them to meet up like that again, but it is kind of clever giving them a connection early on.
NC (vo): It almost makes up for the fact that they have so little connection beyond that. Personally, I don't think it was that bad an addition.
Nerd (vo): But that doesn't help prove her case, when, like a fucking dumbass, she tries to tell her boss the truth!
(April is attempting to reveal everything to Bernadette)
April: The Turtles are the vigilantes!
Bernadette: There are four six-foot taking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you?
April: That's what I'm telling you.
Bernadette: Okay, get out.
(The sound of a door closing is heard as April hurries down the stairs with a box in her hands, having just been canned.)
Nerd (vo): Well, what the hell do you think would happen? They'd give you the Pulitzer for being a fucking psychopath?
NC (vo): Well, if they did, they'd also give it to Will Arnett as Vernon, as he agrees to help her after being told the whole story. But that could be because she's the only one who will listen to his failed stand-up.
Vernon: You know, when you get a coffee, and it's just like coffee, and then they put a little froth on it; it's kind of nice. Foam, froth, you get the point. It's nice, it tastes good, it's candy. They look at you and they say, "Wow, there's a nice-"
Nerd (vo): What the hell is he talking about?
Vernon: Candy; the point is, I think it-
NC (vo; as Vernon): Come on, it's a Nickelodeon movie. You think I'm going to use my A-material?
(Cut to Vernon and April driving in the van)
Vernon: So they're... aliens?
April: No, that's stupid. They're reptiles.
Nerd (vo): A momentary pause for people groaning at that piece of shit joke....okay, that'll do.
Vernon: Heroes in a half-shell.
(Cut to Bernadette's earlier scene)
Bernadette: Okay, get out.
NC (vo): April goes to see Eric Sacks...
Nerd (vo): Eric Ballsacks!
NC (vo): Yeah, well done... played by William Fitchner, who helped her father with his experiments when he was still alive.
Sacks: April's arrived early this year.
NC (vo): (as Sacks) I was gonna say April came early this year, but Bay has a bit of a pervy audience. I have other jokes, though. I used to live on 5th Avenue. Get it? Sacks and 5th? Hahaha, I kill me, and I might kill you. We'll just have to wait and see.
(Now we're in the sewer level)
NC: But the funny thing about that... hold on one second. Jump already!
(Nerd is unable to jump because of all the enemies on screen)
Nerd: I can't! There's too many people on the screen, it's slowing everything down!
NC: Who designed these sewers anyway?!
Nerd: That's your biggest question? There's a guy on fucking fire over there! (One of the enemies is a man on fire) Why do they hire these people?
NC: Just fucking jump!
(Nerd jumps up, only to get hit by the guy on the ledge and fall into the water)
Nerd: Aww, I'm in the water.
NC: Well, swim out!
Nerd: I can't. It's dragging me away.
NC: What do you mean you can't? We gotta swim like shit through this stuff in order to defuse the bombs!
Nerd: I'm swimming through shit right now!
(Back to the movie)
Nerd (vo): Something you'll notice is that there's more attention given to Sacks in this movie than there is the Shredder, and that's because Sacks was originally supposed to be the Shredder. It was changed because so many people gave him shit.
Sacks: April, the mutagen possesses powers...beyond our wildest hopes.
(Back in the sewer, Nerd looks at NC, who then puts up a picture of Captain Kirk that says "A Tribble Brought Kirk Back From the Dead.")
NC: Fitchner would've been so much better!
Nerd (vo): It's totally different, but he would've been great for the part. He's weird, he's creepy, he's got a strange, sick charm to him. Yeah, he's not Japanese, but neither was Uncle Phil. (Picture of Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air appears in the corner. Now we get a picture of the 22) If we can have a cartoon where April's a teenager with no one going fucking nuts, why can't we have a movie where this guy is the Shredder? Instead, we get this dull hunk of wood who could just as easily been replaced with a scarecrow who speaks Japanese sometimes.
Shredder: (with gag subtitles) You care so little about me you don't even notice I'm not moving my lips.
Sacks: The city will be ours.
Shredder: (gag subtitled) Go ahead, rewind it and see.
NC (vo): So the Turtles abduct April...which is really backwards when you think about it. I mean, come on, this doesn't help Mikey's creeper talk at all.
Mikey: (various scenes) But we can still have adult conversations./Dibs./My girlfriend is totally the hogosha.
(Clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 as Mikey asks "Can we keep her?")
Nerd (vo): Well, to be fair, he was still pretty creepy in the original.
NC (vo): ...where she meets Splinter and we learn more about their backstory.
(We are shown the backstory)
Splinter: Your father had discovered the truth behind the man he was working for. He set fire to the lab; his last breath was taken, trying to destroy Shredder's plans.
Nerd (vo): So he accidentally set himself on fire? What kind of scientist is this? He creates mutant turtles, but can't light a match without burning alive? Maybe, he's the (fire) guy in Ninja Turtles the NES Game.
NC (vo): Even his daughter got out of there fine, and she's obviously like half his age! Look, she even managed to save the Turtles.....sort of. She lays them in the street. I'm...sure the...cars will take good care of them.
Splinter: We wandered the sewers, until I found this place.
Nerd (vo): They start to mutate over the years and learn about humanity by peaking out at Times Square. Not a bad idea, but then we get the dumbest addition of all.
(Shows Splinter looking through a book about Ninjitsu... and realizing...)
Splinter: And then, I found a way.
Nerd (vo): Who the dick sausage masters Ninjitsu from a fucking book?! It's not even a good book! Look at it! They're like drawings from Game and Watch! They're not supposed to just be good, they're supposed to be amazing, and then they got that from this? Where's the chapter saying how to dodge bullets? Where's the chapter saying how to jump off cliffs? Where's the chapter that teaches you how to read Japanese?! Yeah! THE BOOK IS IN JAPANESE! How did they even read this if they're English-speaking turtles?!
NC (vo): Did Times Square just have Japanese lessons on the hour every hour?
(Cut to a shot of a Coca-Cola as in Time Square. The ad switches to the Nerd.).
Nerd: Hey, the Japanese word for "good afternoon" is konichiwa. If you're a turtle out there, I hope you got that! (long pause) Nobody questions this.
(The screen switches back to the Cola-Cola ad.)
(Foot Clan soldiers set up a bomb on a wall to breach the Turtles' hideout!)
Splinter: No, get back!
Nerd (vo): Shredder finds them and blows up their hideout, injuring most of them. Wouldn't it have made sense to hide in their shells for that?
NC (vo): Nah, they're just there to put advertisements on. (A picture of Donny is shown with stickers for Apple, Burger King, Nike, Coca Cola and Sony) Oh, wait, we don't need that; they just say it naturally on their own.
Michelangelo: I've got a safe place for [April] you to hide, and if you're thirsty, I've got a secret stash of Orange Crush behind the fridge. (whispering) Don't tell Raph.
Nerd (vo): Why would that need to be secret?
NC (vo): Maybe the taste is so good that it has to be kept a secret. Go buy Crush now!
(The Shredder enters in his armor...)
Nerd (vo): Oh, look, a Shredformer. He's mixing the ancient art of Ninjitsu with high tech robotic bullshit.
NC (vo): Very Japanese the more I think about it
Shredder: All these years, I've been trying to recreate the mutagen, and you...you just handed it to me.
Splinter: You will not lay a hand on my sons!
NC (vo; as Shredder): Um, have we met? We're talking like we have this long history, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time we've ever seen each other. (The Shredder attacks Splinter, who fends him off with his head down!) Oh, come on, you aren't even looking at me while I fight you. That's just rude!
Nerd (vo): Shredder beats up Splinter and captures three of the Turtles, leaving an unconscious Raphael behind.
Shredder: Where's the fourth?
Foot Soldier: He's dead.
Shredder: Destroy this place.
(Bombs go off, destroying the hideout... somewhat.)
NC (vo): You know, that's not really as much "destroy this place" as much as "create a bit of a fixer upper." I mean, come on. Three people survived that "destroy this place!"
(Nerd and NC are now swimming in the Dam level of the first TMNT game.)
Nerd: And after that, they... (He looks over to NC trying to defuse a bomb while he looks like he's, well....) What the hell are you doing?!
NC: This is just how I defuse bombs, okay?
Nerd: Looks like you're punching your munchkin.
NC: Shut up! (The bomb is defused!)
Nerd: As in jerking off!
NC: Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, okay? We only got one more bomb to defuse and it's up that tunnel.
(The two swim upwards, only to find it's a corridor full or electric seaweed, and QUICKLY decide...)
NC: Oh, hell, no!
Nerd: Fuck that noise!
(The two swim back down.)
NC: You know, it is only water.
Nerd: Yeah. People could use a good swim.
NC: Yeah, it's not like we're gonna let anybody important die, right?
(They're now caught by April, who managed to survive being blown up, somehow!)
April: What a story! "Critic doesn't give a dam!" "Nerd dams us all to Hell!" (NC and Nerd swim away exasperated.) "Dammed if you do, drowned if you don't" "Day ruined by dam dirty Foot!"
(NC and Nerd are now in the character select screen from the game.)
NC: Master, this isn't working! I feel like we're not any closer to the Heart of the Turtles.
SC: Hmm. We'll have to go straight for the throat. Go defeat the Shredder! If that doesn't lead to the Heart of the Turtles, nothing will! The Christ has spoken!
(One static transition, we get April where SC was.)
April: And remember, you have my suppor-- (The screen explodes, followed by a test screen!)
Nerd: She loves her work.
(We then come to a commercial transition like the 1987 cartoon.)
Thirty Something Nerdy Critics will return after these messageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeees.
(One commercial break later...)
We now return to Thirty Something Nerdy Critics. Ugh.
(We're now back to the movie, in the ruined hideout)
Splinter: Raphael...you must save your brothers.
Nerd (vo): So Splinter seems to be on his deathbed. What's the best thing to do? Leave him behind and go kick some ass!
NC (vo): Come on, guys. Babysitter.com.
(Leo, Mikey and Donny are in cages before Sacks, Karai and the Foot Clan.)
Sacks: I'm a hard guy to impress, but...wow. And we were gonna use rabbits. Can you imagine that?
(A picture of other fictional bunnies is shown. We have Ace Bunny from Loonatics Unleashed, Bucky O'Hare, Usagi Yojimbo and Frank the Bunny from Donnie Darko.)
Nerd (vo): Actually, I would totally watch that.
Leo: For what?!
Sacks: I'll show you. Karai, show them. (Karai pumps a tube of mutagen down a Foot soldier's throat) In a few hours, Shredder is going to unleash all that over the whole city. (The test subject soldier is killed from the effects of mutagen on the human body)
Nerd (vo): Huh. That was random. The guy has to die just so you can have visual for your speech?
NC (vo): Yeah, if I was a member of the Foot Clan, I wouldn't be happy that my 401(k) was going to chin death and being killed for a PowerPoint presentation!
Sacks: I'm gonna save everyone. With the antidote that is made from the mutagen that is oozing through your blood. And I'm gonna be rich. Like, stupid rich.
NC (vo): Yep, that's the whole reason for this, folks: So an already-rich man can be...a stupid rich man. You know, putting "stupid" in front of your motivations surprisingly doesn't make it any less stupid.
Nerd (vo): Maybe if we emphasize even more how "stupid rich" he'll be.
NC (vo): Oh, you mean like, "Making a Smurfs 3" stupid rich?
Nerd (vo): Or he'll be LJN stupid rich.
NC (vo): Or he'll be "Is the dress black or blue?" stupid rich.
Nerd (vo): Or he'll be Michael Bay stupid rich.
NC (vo): Too close to home.
Nerd (vo): Okay.
(Nerd and NC are now in the Foot Clan lair from the first TMNT live action movie. They are facing off against the Shredder, played by Malcolm Ray. They're surrounded by Michael C. Parks, Terrence Dillinger, Haley Barnes and Justin Barnes.)
Nerd: But to be fair, makes about much sense as this Shredder!
NC: (rubbing his forehead) All right, so, what's the grand plan again?
Shredder: Well, we steal things!
Shredder: (beat) That's as far as I got.
Nerd: Look, you've got a cool arcade, but I'm not going to put my life on the line for that!
Shredder: No, it's all good. We're going to take over the city with Ninjitsu!
NC: Uh, you do know they have guns out there, right?
Shredder: We have Ninjitsu!
NC: But they have guns.
Nerd: Seriously, you have nunchucks, swords, axes. Don't you think a few firearms would step things up a bit?
Shredder: You don't understand. We're hunting Turtles. I INTERROGATED A RAT!!
NC: (beat) You've been smoking.
Nerd: Why are we still listening to this?
Shredder: THIS IS YOUR FAMILY!!!
NC: And you're the drunk uncle who beats up the rodent section at PetSmart.
Shredder: Foot Clan, destroy them!
(NC and Nerd run off while the Foot are more concerned about drinking their drinks. The two soon come up near a wall of weapons!)
NC: Wait a minute. I got an idea. The trenchcoats, the hat! Put 'em on!
(NC knocks his own normal hat off as he and Nerd put on their clever disguises. The Foot Clan ninjas just run past them, not noticing them.)
NC: Huh, who knew?
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But Raph and the gang break in...fighting off only four guards to get inside. What, do you keep killing off men to make more speeches?
Nerd (vo): Well, remember, he's not "stupid rich" yet, so maybe he couldn't afford them.
NC (vo): Thus, he [Raph] fights the Shredder, getting his ass handed to him.
(Shredder is stepping on Raph's shell, and he groans in pain)
April: GET UP!!!
(Shredder suddenly walks away, leaving Raph alive.)
Nerd (vo): What, he just walks away? There's not even any guards left. You're literally leaving them open to being rescued!
NC (vo as Shredder): Apologies, world domination is one thing, but I am not going to miss an episode of Better Call Saul.
NC (vo): April breaks them out by giving them an adrenaline overload, literally transforming them into Michael Bay's core audience.
Michelangelo: Oooh, I feel really good now!
Donatello: I'll feel great!
Leonardo: I feel great, I feel like cleaning! Who wants to clean the dojo?
NC (imitating a fanboy): Boobs, I want boobs! Oh, my God, I just want to see explosions!
Nerd (imitating a fanboy): Blow them up! Boom and boom, make explosions boring!
Nerd (vo): They steal a truck from the Foot by....
(April sees a pair of car keys in the truck)
Nerd (vo): Oh, come on, are you a super secret army or not?
(A large action sequence is shown, showing the Turtles and the good guys being chased by the Foot Clan down a snowy mountain)
NC (vo): And they have what's, honestly, a pretty fun chase down a hill. It's stupid, but it's stupid in all the right ways.
(Donatello is sliding down the mountain with a truck right up against him)
Donatello: I've always wanted to try this!
NC (vo): But even that has some shit that doesn't make sense. Like, I'm still not sure how the hell a bo [staff] can flip a entire car.
Nerd (vo): Maybe it's a stupid bo [staff].
Vernon: What are you doing?
(Scene pans over to April looking out the window, and her ass is facing the camera)
Vernon: Yeah, that's good. Make sure you're getting everything!
Nerd (vo): Well, that's unlike a Bay film: Showing that looking at a woman's ass can be a bad thing.
Leonardo: We've got get April out of there!
NC (vo; as one of the Turtles): What about the unfunny wormy guy? [Vernon]
Nerd (vo; as Leonardo): Leave him!
(NC and Nerd are now in the dance club from Secret of the Ooze.)
NC: We lost them in this incredibly flamboyant dance club.
(Then, an offscreen explosion and Super Shredder appears with a roar!)
Nerd: Oh, no! He drank all the mutagen!
NC: Why does that makes his clothes grow, too?
(Super Shredder continues to roar. Nerd and NC put up their dukes, ready to fight...)
Nerd: Get ready for the most epic fight you've ever seen in your life!
(Super Shredder roars and stabs the ceilings and causes it to collapse on top of him, killing him.)
Nerd: Or he could just go out like a little bitch.
(As the dust settles, a disheveled and dirty April stumbles into frame...)
April (somewhat weak): Is there a story here?
(The ceiling collapses on April)
Nerd: You know, this isn't as epic as I remember it.
NC: Yeah, and I think that rapper's lyrics are a little too precise to this situation.
(Cut to Brentalfloss doing a parody of Vanilla Ice!)
BF (singing): This guy, you're looking absurd. Looking kind of angry, also like a nerd. This freestyle's real, yo, I didn't rehearse it. Time for the chorus, I'm done with the first bit.
Chorus: This is real, this is real, yo!
(Another explosion and another NC and Nerd appear with a bottle, or... the time scepter or whatever.)
Other NC: Hey, guys! You want to come with us to Ancient Japan our with time traveling stick?
(NC and Nerd look at each other)
NC: We're good, yeah, we're good.
Other NC: Ah, you're missing out, man. We're gonna fight a British guy with a bird cage.
(The stick glows and the other NC and Nerd vanish.)
(Nerd and NC walk into a hallway, angered.)
Nerd: Master, I don't get it! What are we doing wrong?
(An explosion happens and SC appears in a flame!)
SC: Don't give up just yet, my sons. Victory is upon you.
Nerd: How the hell are you doing that?
SC: Through the art of Ninjitsu.
NC: Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.
SC: Shut up, you must try at least one more route.
Nerd: Okay, and what would that be?
SC: You must form... a rock band!
NC: Right! (realizing) What?
SC: Put on some turtle costumes, get in front of a crowd, and play your green hearts out!
Nerd: Are you sure that's the Heart of the T--
SC: The Christ has spoken.
(He vanished in another explosion and the Nerd folds his arms...)
NC: Something's not right here.
(Back to the movie, where it's just reached the climax)
Nerd (vo): The Turtles get to the tower to defeat the Shredder, leading to, funny enough, probably the best scene in the movie.
(The Turtles are stuck riding a long elevator until Mikey starts clacking his nunchucks together rhythmically)
Mikey: MC Mikey. (A couple more clicks) MC... (After he starts beatboxing, Raph and Donny join in, then Leo gets into it)
Nerd (vo): This could be their final mission, and yet they still take time for this random bit of silliness. It's everything that's great about the Turtles in only a couple of seconds. How can you not get sucked in?
(As the Turtles continue doing their elevator dance, NC and Nerd start dancing along to it before it turns into a Channel Awesome wide dance party, almost like a music video. First we get Film Brain, Battle Geek Plus, Some Jerk with a Camera)
Jerk: (singing) Go ninja, go ninja, go! (Continues singing that line as the party goes on)
(The dance party continues on along with other faces like Yomarz, Last Angry Geek, Tyger, DToons, Dom Smith, Shark Jumping, Luke Spencer, Bargain Boy, Lotus Prince and Tom White joining in the party, before in the movie, the elevator opens up and the Turtles charge out. NC and Nerd groan, annoyed that the party is over)
NC: Ohh, the plot!
(The movie's final battle is shown)
NC (vo): The Turtles rush to the roof and have their final big battle with the Shredder.
Nerd (vo): Oh, is that what this is? There's so much CG, I thought I was watching somebody playing SoulCalibur. (Clip of the game is shown in the corner)
(As the Turtles fight, bits of the tower start falling onto the cars below)
Cop: Yeah, we got a 10-10!
NC (vo; as Cop): That's right, a 10-10. Four giant turtles fighting a mecha metal samurai! By God, it's been a few days!
(Raph gets in a jump kick that knocks the Shredder off of the tower)
NC (vo): Oh, I think you could've made it more gimmicky than that. How about "Yippe-Cowa-Mothah-Fuckin-Hasta-Ya-Worst-Nightmare-Bunga BEE-YATCH!!!!!"?
(April falls onto one of the bits of the tower, soon being caught by Raph)
Nerd (vo): They stop the machine and save April, just in time for her to knock Shredder on his ass.
(April swings into Shredder, kicking him off and down to the street where he falls)
NC (vo; as Shredder) Well, I got a few seconds. Let me think about where I went wrong. Oh, yeah, everything.
(And the Shredder lands on the street, making a crater)
Nerd (vo): The top of the tower's falling, too, but thankfully, Raph is able to talk normally even though the scene is shot in slo-mo.
Raph: If this is our last moment together, I just want you guys to know I'm sorry! I'm sorry I was so hard on you! Every time I pushed you, I...I threatened you, I yelled at you, I pushed you beyond your limits is because I believe in you!
NC (vo): So, if this scene is done in slo-mo, does that mean Raph in reality is so scared that he's talking super fast?
(The scene is played again, only with Raph's audio sped up, making him sound high-pitched)
Raph: (Audio sped-up) If this is our last moment together, I just want you guys to know I'm sorry! I'm sorry I was so hard on you! And every time I talked about walking away, it was because I was scared! I just didn't think I was good enough to stand next to you and call you brothers and say to you...I love you! I love you guys so much!
(The tower falls to the street, and everyone's alive!)
Donny: We made it!
Nerd (vo): Um, I think April's bones would probably be jelly, but whatever. They nurse Splinter back to health, April's still out of a job, and they ride off in their Turtle Van, again, adapting to the art of invisibility.
NC (vo): But...wait. We just watched a Michael Bay production and there wasn't one giant fireball explosion in the whole thing!
(To prove him wrong, Mikey ends up launching a missile that blows Vernon's van up)
Nerd (vo): Ah, there it is.
NC (vo): Movie felt naked for a second.
Mikey: My bad.
(We get a THE END posted on the screen along with wah-wah horns)
Nerd: (He has a guitar strapped to him) And that is how Michael Bay sucked the dignity out of the Ninja Turtles.
NC: (in a Turtle suit, carrying the head to it) Hey, buddy, ready to do this?
Nerd: Let's do this.
(The guys put on Turtle heads and we're treated to a stage with a caption on screen. "And Now Ninja Rockin' Turtles vs. Their Horrible Blue Screen." NC has a Mikey head on while Nerd has a Donny head on)
NC: (singing) Pizza is good. Pizza is rad. Pizza's the best thing I ever had.
Nerd: Fuck this shit!
(The crowd gasps while the guys take their masks off)
Kid: Mommy, can I fuck shit, too?
Nerd: This isn't the Heart of the Turtles! (He gives a finger to the crowd with a turtle hand)
Kid: Mommy, is he flipping us off or pointing up?
Nerd: Pointing up yours!
(Suddenly Santa Christ comes on the jumbotron)
SC: Hey, hey, hey! Who killed the music?
Nerd: Hey, I don't think we're getting any closer to what we're looking for here.
SC: Alright, alright, alright. Look, perhaps if you made little plastic versions of yourself.
NC: ...You mean like...action figures?
SC: Uh, yeah, actually, a lot like action figures.
Nerd: I don't see how that could--(It just dawns onto him!) Ah, I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to make us into toys!
NC: Yeah, you're trying to sell us before you have any kind of story or characters or anything.
SC: Well, yeah, that's what the original Turtles did.
[NC and Nerd are shocked]
NC: It did?
(Clips of commercials for Ninja Turtles toys are shown)
SC (vo): Yeah, don't you remember? The toy brand was made first before the show. In fact, they had to write the episodes around the toys as opposed to the toys around the episodes. (Picture of the comic is shown) Even the graphic novel was a satire of comic books at the time.
SC: It was never meant to be taken that seriously!
Nerd: But...we took it that seriously.
NC: So, wait. Was the Heart of the Ninja Turtles all this time...just to sell toys?
SC: Oh, yeah! I got a ton of stock in this. So, if you could just get on with removing all possible choking hazards.
(Nerd picks up a remote and turns the jumbotron off. The kids in the audience start chanting WE WANT TURTLES! NC takes his gun out and fires into the air, shutting them up. NC and Nerd look sad and downcast)
Nerd: I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.
NC: Well, the biggest parts of our childhood was just a giant commercial the whole time.
Nerd: Maybe that's what it was meant to be. But not how it turned out.
(Picture of Batman: Arkham City)
Nerd (vo): Look at all the ideas that have lasted over the years like Batman and (picture of) Superman. (Picture of the 1966 TV version of Batman and Robin) There's so many different versions, because the idea has struck a chord with people.
NC (vo): You think Ninja Turtles will do the same?
Nerd (vo): It already is!
(Pictures of various versions of the franchise are shown.)
[Along with the various versions, clips from the movie are shown as well]
Nerd (vo): Maybe that's the best way to look at this movie. It's stupid and kind of manipulative, but it's not the final word in the franchise, it's just another version. There'll be tons of different varieties to come in the future, all of them with silly, over-the-top moments, but that's part of what we loved about them in the first place. Just say the title. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". It's a goofy idea, and always will be.
NC (vo): Some versions get more wrong than others, but that's part of the fun, too. Comparing them. (Different versions of April are shown) April can be a grown woman or a 15-year old girl or a... 15-year old girl. But they're always adding something new while trying to stay true to what was so crazy about the original. It's not the untouched perfection that makes it last, it's the constant changing interpretation of other artists.
(NC and Nerd look at all the various Ninja Turtles merchandise and adaptions)
NC: So what do you think, Nerd? You think the Michael Bay version is still the worst one?
Nerd: Probably not. But even if it was, it's all part of the experience of growing.
NC: Yeah. Ninja Turtles has gone through a lot of changes. Some good, some bad.
Nerd: But that's what makes it last forever.
(The scene fades out like it's the end, before snapping back on)
NC: But just to be clear, this movie is bad.
Nerd: Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, it fucking sucks hard.
Nerd: I mean, like, I mean, really hard. It just... (Gets angry) It sucks so fucking hard! I can't fucking take this! It's so fucking horrible! Why did you make me do this?!
(And we come to the credits! which names everyone involved. The only exception is Darwin from SeaQuest DSV)
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Eric Sacks: Like stupid rich.