Linkara: Hello and Welcome to "Atop the fourth Wall," where bad comics burn. Well after enduring "THREE" weeks of "JLA Act of God" i think we could use something a bit more light-hearted this week.
Linkara: (voiceover) Confession time first, while i freely admit to having watched ninja turtles as a kid, loving it, and the movies, watching the 2003 series for a few years and etc., I will say I'm not a big TMNT fan. Don't get me wrong I still enjoy it, and i'd still take it over a lot of the other crap out there. I just haven't gotten as obsessively into it as i was for Power Rangers or Star Trek. Turtles forever was freaking awesome by the way. I think most people are familiar with the roots of the franchise. Started out as a comic book, paraodying the grimm and gritty styles of stories that were growing in popularity in comics at the time. It eventually grew into the franchise, most popular of which was the original cartoon and the movies. As such let's instead use this introduction to talk about the other half of our inexplicable cross-over. Archie comics. Archie is one of the longest enduring comic characters in existance. Why? I have absolutely no clue why. But he first appeared in December of 1941, he's almost as old as Captain America for Crying out Loud. For those who don't know about the Perpetually teenage red-head, Archie Andrews is the title character of his series mostly about the trials and tribulations and love triangles that exist in his hometown of riverdale. It's pretty safe stuff and for the longest time the Archie comics company demanded that Archie only be drawn in a specific style, though an alternate title with slightly more modern art work began a few years ago. I have no idea if that one is still running, nor do i particularly care. Archie is really the only comic book that's still in grocery stores. Everything else getting fazed out with the invention of comic book stores and the increasing adult content in comics. Sales figures in the various Archie comics are still pretty decent, though it's mostly the digest stuff that gets the most sales. The company itself has published a Ton of stuff and still continues to from Sabrina Teenage Witch to Sonic Comics and for a few years Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is probably how this little crossover came to be.
Linkara: So let's dig into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet Archie and.... Wow I really just said that didn't I.
(Theme song, followed by theme art featuring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song).
Linkara: (voiceover) Just a disclaimer first, I've never actually read a single Archie comic and it's been years since i've watched the old Ninja turtles cartoon, and I've never read the Archie-TMNT series, so please forgive me if i don't understand some of the plot points or I don't instantly know the name of a character. So let's start with our cover, a wrap-around that features the turtles dancing with the Archie characters to the music of Josie and the Pussycats. I'll just let this image sit with you guys for a minute. Go on, Take a good long look, Though in all seriousness, it's an OK cover, even if its purpose doesn't really tell us much about the situation other than well, The Ninja Turtles are meeting Archie, whose shirt opening is oddly shaped and goes down quiet a bit. We open to Archie and Betty making out in the country. Betty suddenly spots something far away, and what is it she spots. A giant cow head spitting out the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Linkara: (holds up brown paper bag) Man what's in this stuff?
Linkara: (voiceover) Yeah I know it has something to do with the Archie-Ninja Turtles series, but i'd really appreciate an editors box telling us that or something, because frankly, giant talking cow heads spitting out the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, I need a bit of grounding here people. Betty and Archie presume that their aliens and drive off in fear. The Cowhead, named "Cuddly" apparently, explains to the turtles that their in a different dimension. Donatello tries to explain the science of it, but the others roll their eyes at this.
Leonardo: Geez, the next thing you know they'll be trying to figure out the middle east.
Linkara: Psssh, yeah I mean who could make sense of centuries old conflicts over religon, land and culture. I bet they don't even speak english or eat pizza. Seriously, what the hell's up with that line?
Linkara:(voiceover) Raphael says they should go exploring and that Cuddly should pick them up in twleve hours. Umm, why are they exploring the alternate universe when they didn't even know they were traveling to an alternate universe, and why can't the cowhead just transport them now? The turtles start walking to Riverdale which we then cut to. Betty and Archie try to tell everyone about what they say, but they don't believe them. Some kid comes in and exclaims that Josie and the Pussycats are "Gonna go on stage in five minutes." Everyone immediately runs out even with little run sound effects. Umm, how come no one knew what time the concert was gonna be? Meanwhile the turtles swipe some clothes and walk down the sidewalk and even they don't buy that these disguises will work. Donatello is a bit more optimistic though.
Donatello: Like master splinter says, "Invisibility, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder."
Linkara: No it isn't you're either invisible or you're not.
Donatello: We just have to be one with our surroundings.
Linkara: By that logic shouldn't you be dressed as a street lamp then.
Linkara: (Voiceover) A local dog overhears them and thinks to itself that that'd only work if this was a town of brussel sprouts, and oh yeah the dog thinks in english. Sorry that's just not as impressive as the flying talking dimension hopping cow head. At the concert, and before anyone asks I won't be using clips from the live action Josie and the Pussycats movie because, well I haven't seen it. Betty and Archie are still debating with the others about seeing things. Reggie and Archie almost come to blows over it, but Veronica tells them to calm down.
Veronica: I'm leaving to powder my nose, when i get back, i expect to see everyone dancing and I don't mean slam dancing boys.
Linkara: (imitating Veronica) I own your asses, YOU WILL DANCE WHEN I COMMAND YOU TO DANCE!
Linkara: (Voiceover) She walks by the turtles, Michaelangelo saying she's quite a babe..., which is about on par and creepiness as the Kool-aid man getting kissed by a twleve year old. However Veronica is quickly nabbed by two guys claiming to be from the IRS. She of course asks what the Hell is up, but they keep saying she needs to come with them.
Veronica: I most certainly will NOT!
Agent 1:I think you will.
Veronica: I'm beginning to get your point.
Linkara: (Impersonating Veronica) Gasp, you have grasped my arms in an awkward manner, i surrender immediately.
Linkara: (voiceover) The Archie gang wonders if Veronica is ditching them, but then they spot the turtles. Betty and Archie recognize them as the Aliens from before, But Raphael starts to give an overly scientific explanation of the events. Though I'm guessing this was suppose to be Donatello, except that doesn't make any sense given the color coordination of their clothes, plus it's usually Raph in the trenchcoat. Anyway the turtles say it's likely Veronica was abducted and that they'll help them get her back.
Raphael: I'm Raphael, This is my brother Donatello.
Betty: I'm Betty
Linkara: I'm sorry, but they're really accepting the whole giant talking turtles thing pretty easily. You'd think there'd be more questions, especially given the turtles's method of transportation.
Linkara: (Voiceover) Betty explains that Veronica comes from one of the richest families in Riverdale, so it's likely that she was kidnapped for Randsom money. Speaking of which we cut to Veronica in a motel where the two kidnappers lean over as if the ceiling was too low.
Veronica: Just look at the wallpaper and this carpeting and that tacky bedspread-Yuck! The Interior decorator for this place must have been color-blind or more likely, just plain blind.
Linkara: It's good that Veronica has her priorities straight when she's kidnapped.
Linkara: (voiceover) One of them tells her to shut up, since he has a gun, and then tells her to call her father with the ransom demands. The turtles spot the kidnappers car at the hotel, an... wait, why are the kidnappers the only ones who have a car in the parking lot, is this Norman Bates' Motel? Anyway the concoct a quick plan to stage her rescue, which consists of Jughead knocking on the door and pretending to be a pizza man as a distraction, before the turtles leap through a window that magically grows when they smash through it. Also they must've actually gone out and grabbed a pizza since we see Jughead eating from while Raphael practices his telekinetic shoving. See, one telekinetic shove and the kidnapper is flying across the room. And so the story ends with them going out for pizza together in celebration of the fact that Veronica evidentally has no psycological scaring from her kidnapping and rescue by Ninja turtles. Oh and the dog is glum because apparently turtles get served at the cafe, but not dogs.
Linkara: AHAHAHAHAHA, oh,it still makes no sense.
Linkara: (voiceover) This is a 64 page special, so of course there's more than one story in it, and thus our next story begins, "Red Sails in the Sunset." We find our intrepid heros on an island with April O'Neil and another mutant animal named Man-Ray. What the hell are they doing on this island and how did they get there? Well maybe Aprils Journal could shed some light on that.
April O'Neil Journal: A day has passed since we buried the bubbla the glubblub.
Linkara: Or it'll just make us ask more questions.