Tekken: The Motion Picture
August 7, 2011
(After the intro for the Spoony Experiment, we're treated to the Test Your Might minigame from Mortal Kombat)
Spoony (vo): Tournament fighters, the definitive pick-up-and-play videogames. They're fast, they're competitive, and it's a great way to spend some time with your friends. (Clip of Mortal Kombat 2 as Shang Tsung does his rainbow Friendship) No matter what game you play, the premise is simplicity itself: (Clips of Street Fighter II) a collection of crazy characters from all over the world with wildly clashing styles of martial arts get together to pound the everloving fudge out of each other until, in the end, there can be only one. (Clip of Tekken Tag Tournament) These games have always been hugely popular because of this simple but fun concept, and so it seemed logical to adapt them to action movies. (Clips of Suburban Knights) Who wants to see a boring Legend of Zelda movie (Clip of Street Fighter IV) where you can tell a real story? One of psychotic Russians who wrestle grizzly bears and sometimes hit spinning piledrivers on Japanese schoolgirls, (A clip is shown of Zangief doing the Spinning Piledriver to Sakura. Then we transition to another clip from the same game with Dhalsim and Ryu in a training room) and yoga masters who breathe magic curry fire (Dhalsim hits Ryu with a Yoga Inferno). Because I think you'll agree, (cut to a clip of Zangief's ending from Street Fighter II where he's Coassack dancing with Mikhail Gorbachev), when you played a tournament fighter, these were the stories that inspired you. These were the stories that needed to be told on the silver scr--(reading what's being said in Cammy's ending from Super Street Fighter II) hold on. "You had an unfortunate accident and lost your memory! Don't you remember?" What? Anyway, they make movies out of this stuff. (Showing a clip of the ending of Street Fighter: The Movie) No doubt you've seen the biggest ones in theater like Street Fighter: The Movie.
M. Bison: I'm sorry. I don't remember any of it.
Spoony (vo): Mortal Kombat.
Raiden: Ha ha ha ha. Sorry.
Spoony (vo): And Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Shao Kahn: Earth is under attack and it is glorious!
Spoony: And those were the good ones. The ones with major studio backing, huge budgets and big name stars. But, oh, there were bad ones, and that's what we'll be covering this month. The b-movies based on beat-em-ups, the direct to video violations of video games. But since I am the Lord of Tekken, I think it's fitting we start with an awesome movie. The 1998 anime, Tekken: The Motion Picture. It's gotta be awesome, right? After all, it is based on a fighting game that requires the most skill, demonstrates the purity of physical combat, just one man against...(showing a clip of Tekken 6 with Roger vs. Bob) one...kangaroo? With boxing gloves? (Back to his room where he realizes what he got himself into) This movie's gonna be really fucking stupid, isn't it?
(We start off with a shot of the moon)
Narrator: Since the birth of this planet, a memory has become deeply engraved onto the genes of all living things. (A fetus is shown where the moon is. Spoony unscrews a flask to drink from it)
Spoony (vo): What? 45 seconds into this fucking movie and they've already gone off the metaphysical deep end!
(A bit of Also Sprach Zarathustra is shown at the moon baby again)
Film Brain: SYMBOLISM! (SYMBOLISM!11! OMGWTFBBW!1!STARCHILD???)
Spoony: Film Brain? N-nevermind. Symbolism of what, exactly?
FB: I don't know, really, but a starchild's got to be representative of something, right? Otherwise it's just pointless imagery sprinkled over quasi-philosophical bullshit! (Spoony rolls his eyes) You know, like the Matrix movies!
(Back to the movie)
Narrator: Humans seek to defend their actions in the name of truth.
Spoony (vo): Uh huh.
Narrator: The act of fighting is itself a true act.
Spoony (vo): (quite confused at this narration) Excuse me...
Narrator: Without this truth, the fighter will perish.
Spoony (vo): I-I don't know what you're talking about.
Narrator: Ask your own flesh and blood. Because one's flesh is the door to the truth.
Spoony (vo): Hello?
Narrator: To master the way...
Spoony (vo): Movie...
Narrator: Ask your own ken, or fist...
Spoony (vo): I don't even know what I'm looking at.
Narrator: One's flesh, blood, and fist, is what creates one's Tekken. And Tekken is the key to life.
Spoony (vo): (imitating the narrator) And a well balanced breakfast helps, too! (normal) What, did the Ultimate Warrior write this shit?
Spoony: Alright, I didn't get that at all, so I went and watched that sceen three or four times, so let's see if I can sum up for you basically what's going on is...the voice acting is really, really bad.
(We cut to a girl wrapped in fog)
Spoony (vo) Nnnope, still no idea what I'm looking at. Keep trying, though. (A boy joins the scene) I can only assume this is the blaghole. There's a girl there who's upset that a bobcat killed a cute little wabbit, so her friend offers to--(after seeing how big the kid's eyebrows are, he laughs) Check out the eyebrows. You can hanglide with those things.
Kazuya Mishima: I came here to be the best fighter in the whole world.
Spoony (vo): The kid is our hero, Kazuya Mishima, who wants to be the best like no one ever was, but sadly, his father, Heihachi, is kind of, uh, sort of insane. You can tell he's his father because huge eyebrows run in the family. Man, I thought the eyebrows in (quick shot of) Dune were massive.
Heihachi Mishima: Why are you wasting your time here? You have better things to be doing. You are weak.
Spoony (vo): (imitating Heihachi) Your hairstyle is ridiculous. It shames the whole family. You need a man's haircut, like mine. (normal voice) Heihachi's so upset at his son, he drags Kazuya off to a cliff to throw him off. Man, I thought my dad was mean when he'd ground me and take away my Sega Genesis.
Heihachi: Lions push their cubs over a cliff and raise only the ones that climb back up.
(Spoony's now wearing Heihachi-styled eyebrows)
Spoony: No, no they don't. See, I researched it. Lions are extremely protective of their young and would never hurl them off a cliff. So basically the instigating event that set into motion the plot of the movie and single Tekken game is complete bullshit.
Heihachi: If you're truly my son, then you'll be able to climb back up.
(Heihachi throws Kazuya off the cliff while a caption of SPEED LINES! is shown whenever there's something action-y going on)
Spoony (vo): You'd think he'd double check that little factoid before throwing his son off a cliff. I bet he went home afterwards and checked online. "Aw, sonova...now I just feel silly." This all turns out to be the seizure inducing dream of the little girl named Jun who's all grown up now and working for Interpol. I think. Interpol's the organization that investigates dinosaur corpses being fished out of the ocean, right?
Jun Kazama: Impossible. These must be wrong.
Interpol boss: Yes, it would appear so. The gene combination described in that report could not exist in nature, barring an unexpected alien invasion last month.
Spoony: An unexpected alien invasion, as opposed to the alien invasion we have scheduled next month? (he gives a WTF shrug)
Interpol boss: Those cells must have been man-made. Humida.
Jun: That's a multigene life form.
Spoony: A multigene life form? What? Linkara, did you know about this?
Linkara: Multigene? Ugh, how is that even possible? That's disgusting!
Spoony: These perverse mutants need to be destroyed at all costs.
Linkara: Wait a minute. (He checks his tricorder) My god. Lions are multigene life forms! A-and so are cats! So are dogs! And zebras! My God, they're everywhere! This planet's been overrun! And...and...
Spoony: What? What!?
Linkara: Human beings are multigene!
Spoony: No! (he looks at his own hands) That's not true! That's impossible! (he touches himself in shock) How long have we been infected?!
Linkara: We can't be infected. We're still normal. But the people outside! We have to barricade the doors!
Spoony: Why didn't scientists warn us!? How long have they knooooown!?
Jun: That's a multigene life form.
Spoony (vo): This guy tells Jun that multigene life forms are likely the result of illegal weapons research from a company called the Mishima Conglomerate, which runs three quarters of the world's military production, but nobody know really what's going on at Mishima, since their headquarters is built on a remote tropical island. Now, I'm not educated in business management or anything, but wouldn't putting your corporate headquarters out in the middle of nowhere on a remote volcanic island be really expensive? And inconvenient? And stupid? Did the shareholders for this global weapon manufacturer know that the old man is about to blow one billion of the company's dollars in prize money, as well as controlling interest of the company on a martial arts tournament? What kind of sense does that make?
Jun: It's impossible! An army would have trouble getting in! (The boss slips her an invitation to the tournament) What is this?
Spoony (vo): It's fucking spelled wrong is what it is! "Well come?" It's the biggest multinational defense contractor in history, but their graphic design department needs help. So Jun gets "well comed" to the martial arts tournament when suddenly...
(A fist swings at her with SPEED LINES!!! Jun catches the person throwing the punch and throws him across the deck where he lands on his feet)
Lei Wulong: Oops! Hehehehehe. Sorry about that. I know it was rude not to introduce myself first. Please, forgive me. I'm Lei Wulong of the Hong Kong International Police Force.
Spoony (vo): "Yeah, for a cop, I have a really bad habit of assaulting unarmed women from behind. Say hello first."
Lei: The 3WC asked me to work with you in this investigation.
Jun: (shaking his hand) I don't know how you managed to get an invitation with that skill. Maybe you're actually working for the Mishima Corporation.
Lei: Maybe we guys just have a weakness for pretty women.
Spoony: Or maybe her boss should have mentioned a partner when he sent her out there instead of making it a fucking surprise. Anyway, say hello to Heihachi's adopted son, Maximillian Pegasus (Lee Chaolan). He's sending his girlfriend assassin, Nina Williams, to get rid of that meddlesome Yugi Motou once and for all.
Pegasus (from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged): This tournament is simply fabulous. Oooh, let's celebrate by watching the Spice Girls movie.
Spoony (vo): We catch up with Kazuya who survived his fall, although he's got a huge, ugly scar across his chest, and when it's glowing, a doctor should probably take a look at it. Gee, wonder where I've seen this before? (Cut to a picture of Sagat from Street Fighter) Yeah, and Sagat's scar? It actually plays an integral role in his character. (back to the movie) It's not just there cause it looks cool. Nina rappels down the side of the building and shoots up the place with a machine gun.
(Nina is hanging on a wire opening fire on Kazuya's hotel room. She swings inside and the camera shows Kazuya hanging on one of the upper corners of the room)
Spoony (vo): Oh gee, what a shock, he survived.
(Nina aims her gun at him, but he kicks it out of her hand and punches at her with SPEED LINES!! A sound clip of Shoryuken is played of him uppercutting Nina, then kicking her out of the window)
Spoony (vo): Okay, wait a minute, Stabbing Westward? What the hell? (As she falls out, she throws a grenade into the room) Ah yes, enjoy the horrible localized soundtrack where they've replaced the original music with completely out of place American rock music. You know what would work better for this scene? (the scene replays again, only with Green Bird being played as the music)
(Kazuya surfaces from the water after that dive)
Kazuya: Let my father know...he should clean his neck while waiting for me.
(The eyebrows on Spoony's head are much bigger)
Spoony: He should clean his neck? What in the fuck does that mean!?
Spoony (vo): (Imitating Kazuya) And let my father know he should wash behind his ears, too.
(Cut to Anna Williams taking a shower)
Spoony (vo): Oh hey, fan service. (Anna's naughty bits are censored) I don't really know how they expected to get away with this. If I'm watching the Tekken movie, chances are I already saw the Street Fighter anime, too, (a quick clip of Chun-Li in the shower from the Street Fighter anime, her boobs censored) and know exactly where they got this idea. But not only did they rip off the gratuitous nudity they somehow made it even more gratuitous by not connecting it with any other scene in any way. It's just there because boobs. Classy.
Lei: Oh, we better hurry. I think that's our boat to hell.
Spoony (vo): Our heroes one by one find their onto a boat leading to the tournament. You remember that scene in Mortal Kombat where they board Shang Tsung's boat (quick clip of the Sub-Zero/Scorpion scene) and it's dark and mysterious, and the air is thick with madness and danger? Yeah, this is nothing like that. (Bruce breaks his arm punching Jack in the stomach)
Raiden: Ha ha ha ha.
Spoony (vo): On the island, Jun tracks down Kazuya since she recognizes him from their childhood, and she tries to give him back his mother's pendant. But he slaps it away because oh, he's dark now.
Jun: Why are you so upset? Is it because your father threw you off that cliff?
Spoony (vo): (imitating Watson) Oh, well done, Holmes. I think you've solved this mystery.
Jun: Why are you so upset? Is it because your father threw you off that cliff?
Kazuya: What? I knew that getting revenge was the strongest reason for living I would ever have. I swore that nothing would ever stop me and willingly sold my soul to the Devil to make sure.
Jun: But that's wrong.
Spoony: Ha ha ha! She has the best dialogue in this movie. "The Devil? But that's wrong."
(Clip from Captain America)
Boss: Brackett is no mad dog killer. He is after something.
Spoony (vo): Kazuya challenges her to a fight...for no real reason. But before they get it on, Nina attacks from the rafters with some kind of strangling...wire...thing. You know, the uzis you had from before might've worked just a little bit better. Maybe another hand grenade. Just saying, you got him completely by surprise that time. Kazuya kicks her ass in about five seconds flat, but that's when Nina's evil...okay, eviler sister, Anna, joins the party.
Anna Williams: I'm afraid you've failed for the last time. (as she says this, the doorway she's standing at is covered in light)
Spoony: Oh, where's that light coming from?
Anna: I'm sure you would've been wonderful in the competition. (She lifts up the bazooka she has and fires it at the group, who jump out the windows)
Spoony: Oh, the fuck? A rocket launcher? Because that just screams Tekken, right? Chicks with RPGs interrupting martial arts battles.
Anna: Oops, gotta go. I guess I'll let you live until tomorrow.
Kazuya: Those two must be up to something.
Spoony (vo): Um, hello? Go get her? She's right there, she's out of ammo and she's running in heels! Chase the bitch down and shove that rocket launcher right up her ass! The next morning, everyone's brought together so the tournament can start and the Mishimas can explain the rules. You'll also see several recognizable characters from the Tekken games (going from the pan right to left is Yoshimitsu, Armor King, Marshall Law, Michelle Chang, Jack (with Jane on his shoulder), Kazuya, Paul Phoenix, Baek Doo Sang, and King) like Paul Phoenix and King, who's also one of the characters from Cheetah Men. And I hope you got your fill from those three seconds of cameo footage, because none of these beloved characters won't show up again until the last two minutes of the movie, and all they ever do is stand around. (Noticing Lee) Hey wait, that's not Pegasus! I know who that guy is! It's Miles Edgeworth! (As Lee points out, a clip of Edgeworth shouting Objection! is used)
Heihachi: Defeat me and you will earn $1 billion and the title of World's Strongest!
Michelle Chang: Heihachi Mishima! (She runs through the crowd) This is payback! (She leaps up into the air)
Jun: It's that girl.
(Michelle throws a tomahawk at Heihachi, who catchs it in his mouth and breaks it with his teeth)
Spoony (vo): Ha ha ha, my God, I love it! Someone actually wrote in the script the words, "Julia throws a tomahawk at Heihachi who catches it in his mouth and eats it."
(Note: She's actually Michelle Chang, Julia didn't appear until T3. The anime is set around T1 and 2's timeframe in which Julia would have been too young to compete.)
Michelle: Oh no!
Spoony: See, what's funny is I don't question that he can do this. Just when did he know he could break metal with his teeth? I mean. did he practice or something? (Rubbing his jaw at the thought of it) Ow!
Spoony (vo): So the tournament starts with them just running off into the jungle and fighting whoever they run across, (Baek is punched by Kazuya) which seems like a crummy way to run a martial arts tournament. (Baek jumps into the air to kick him with SPEED LINES!!! Kazuya just roundhouse kicks him down) It's really disappointing how this movie is edited. There's not really any martial arts battles in it. (Michelle is fighting Ganryu, who gives him a hell of an elbow to the gut with SPEED LINES!!!) They're just one-sided beatdowns that are resolved in under ten seconds. (Jack also punches Bruce out with SPEED LINES!!!) The cop from before, Lei, sneaks off from the tournament to investigate the secret underground weapons lab where he gets caught immediately because the guards, you know, have guns. (Jack comes out of the water and flings a guard into a wall like he was a tennis ball) But a friendly Terminator named Jack saves him. (Imitating Arnold) "I'm looking for Sarah Connor." (normal) Kind of a long story with this guy. Basically he wants to find the scientist inside the lab so he can cure this girl's terminal illness. Edgeworth is meanwhile in the control room in the very same lab monitoring the tournament looking pretty bored actually, and how can you blame him? So he decides to spice things up a bit by unleashing his secret science experiements out in the wild to attack his competitors.
(Lei is watching Roger hit a speed bag with boxing gloves)
Lei: Er, what is that thing? Please don't tell me that's the bioweapon we're looking for.
Dr. Boskonovitch: That's Roger. We manipulated a kangaroo's embryonic DNA--
Spoony (vo): Why!?
Boskonovitch: ...dramatically increased mental and physical faculties.
(Cut to Dr. Insano and Son in the lab)
Insano: Hmm, I want to conquer the world by using science to turn an ordinary animal to the most lethal creature ever imagined. But which one? I've got it! Of course! Deadly assassin boxing kangaroos! It's the ultimate weapon!
Boskonovitch: You should see what's on the grounds now.
(Cut to Anna)
Anna: Ha ha! Is it really that shocking to you? (behind her, the light bends around before revealing a dinosaur Now you know what it's like to feel the pain of betrayal.
(She turns around as the dino closes in. A splat of blood is shown, implying she's dead)
(Cut to a clip of Knightmare)
Treguard: Ooh, nasty!
Spoony (vo): Okay, so now this movie has dinosaurs with cloaking devices. (More dinos become visible) Yep, that's the secret weapon the Mishima Company's developing. (Jun and Kazuya prepare to fight them) Invisible dinosaurs.
(The eyebrows are even bigger than before!)
Spoony: I mean who needs rifles, tanks, lightweight body armor, aerial combat drones or cruise missiles? We need invisible dinosaurs. Nothing could possibly stop those! Except people with rifles, tanks, cruise missiles...
Lee: Mmhmhahahahahahahaha! What good is Tekken? It's an ancient voodoo. Against real adversaries like Rex, it's worthless! Rex is the perfect commando for ground level guerrilla combat, and I will be the one at the helm controlling the Mishima Conglomerate, and thus ruling the entire world!
M. Bison: Of course!
Spoony (vo): Meanwhile, Jun and Kazuya are about to fight each other again when suddenly Jun senses the invisible dinosaurs approaching because...uh, because she can. (the dinos flicker in and out of visibility)
(Cut to a clip of Jurassic Park as the raptor ambushes Muldoon)
Muldoon: Clever girl.
(The dino claws at Jun with SPEED LINES!!! Kazuya avoids the swipes from the one he's fighting before kicking it upside the head, making it go invisible)
Kazuya: Something is very wrong here.
Spoony: (opening an envelope) And the award for Best Original Screenplay goes to...
(Two dinos headbutt Kazuya at both sides with SPEED LINES!!! He's now mad enough that he rips one's head in half by the mandibles)
Spoony: Goddamn it! This does not happen in Tekken! And you fight some stupid shit in Tekken!
(A clip of Jin fighting Panda)
Spoony (vo): But not dinosaurs unless you count Alex, (a picture of Alex is shown) which is really just a texture swap of the fucking kangaroo. And if that's the case, I wanna see raptors wearing fucking boxing gloves!
(Kazuya kills two more dinos with SPEED LINES!!!)
Spoony (vo): Kazuya finally kills the dinosaurs and reaches the tower when Edgeworth stops him.
(Lee takes off his coat as clips of "HOLD IT" and "TAKE THAT" are played. Kazuya and Lee fight, only for Lee to get knocked out and the Street Fighter announcer shouting KO)
Spoony (vo): And he gets his swishy ass kicked with barely a fight. Because nobody wants to see competitive martial arts battles in a Tekken movie. While Heihachi finally gets into a fight with Kazuya, Lee retreats back into his lab and activates the island's self destruct mechanism. Because sometimes you just feel like blowing up yourself and everything you own.
Lee: Aaaahhh! I'll never give it up! Not to anyone! Uggghh!!
(Lei, Dr. Boskonovitch and Jack with Jane are running down the hall)
Boskonovitch: Quickly! There's an emergency escape submarine!
Spoony (vo): (as Boskonovitch) Uh, silly question, do any of you know how to drive an emergency escape submarine? I sort of fell asleep during orientation. I mean, who would've thought someone would blow ze island up?
(Heihachi beats down into Kazuya with SPEED LINES!!!)
Spoony (vo): And back to the fight. My favorite part of this is that the obnoxious music is actually drowning out the dialogue.
Heihachi: What's wrong, Kazuya? Get up! This can't be everything you've got!
Spoony (vo) Kazuya gets knocked out and Jun starts spewing some lame hippie crap about peace and love and forgiveness. Yeah, like a guy who's cloning dinosaurs for the purposes of world domination is really gonna listen to reason, lady. That's when Heihachi goes off into one of the longest, most rambling villain monologues I've ever heard in my fucking life.
Heihachi: Words like justice and truth are empty concepts that have led societies through cancerous histories. Through the ages, those who have blindly believed in these absolute truths have fought and died in pursuit of platitudes.
(As Heihachi talks, Spoony shakes his head and peels one of the eyebrows off, gasping in pain)
Spoony: Ah, ah! Ah, that's hair!
Heihachi: Today, you'll find people (The eyebrows are off and Spoony's playing with a paddleball) mistaking their own greed for truth and eating the planet out from under them and condemning themselves to total annihilation. (Spoony folds his socks and puts them in the drawer) Chanting their democracy and their freedom as though they were a religion. They're cheerfully justifying their journey toward self destruction.
Jun: But how does any of that justify the way you've lived your life?
Heihachi: Don't you get it? (Now Spoony's reading the complete works of William Shakespeare) The only way to truly salvage this disgusting world is to destroy everything on it so a new world can be rebuilt.
Jun: You monster!
Heihachi: My Tekken will create the destruction of the Devil and the renewal of the Gods.
Spoony: I don't know what that sentence means!
(Suddenly the tower blows up)
Spoony (vo): Oh thank Christ. The lab finally explodes which, uh, doesn't really seem to affect the guys inside the lab even with slight tremors as they finally reach the escape submarine. A blast door starts to close as Jack has to use his super robot speed to catch it and hold it open. Okay, let's think about this. Lei and the others ran for that sub the instant they heard the alarm go off. How is anyone supposed to reach the fucking sub after setting the self destruct? (As Jack holds the door open, his body begins to fall apart from the stress of the blast door) What good is an escape sub if you have no chance of escaping on it?
Jack: Leave me behind. Go now. (he's then crushed in half by the door, leaving him a bloody mess)
Jane: Jack, no!
(The T-800's line is dubbed over Jack)
(The Terminator music plays as the survivors get into the sub and into the water)
(Back to the fight, Kazuya punches Heihachi with SPEED LINES!!!)
Spoony (vo): Kazuya and Heihachi are still locked in combat as the island explodes around them. It's very Search For Spock.
Heihachi: Now let your hatred grow into power.
(The two continue to fight each other as all hell breaks loose)
Spoony (vo): And now the soundtrack switches to rap music. Anyway, Kazuya beats him and the self destruct causes the volcano on the island to explode, and I'm pretty sure that's impossible to do even if you had all the nuclear weapons in the world. Lei surfaces in the sub and we see the other Tekken fighters for about five more seconds just standing around before we go to credits. (Panning from right to left, we have Armor King holding King up, Yoshimitsu by himself, Paul cradling Michelle in his arms, Marshall by himself as Nina comes into the shot)
Spoony: This movie is one of the purest examples of bad 90s anime. It's poorly acted, ridiculously scripted, the animation is uninspired and the localization is downright embarrassing. Bottom line, it's a brainless, pointless adaptation of a silly video game franchise nobody could ever possibly take seriously. So of course in 2010, they made another one. (pointing to the Tekken 2010 poster behind him) The live action Tekken movie. It's gotta be better than this, right, Burton? (he looks around and doesn't see his robot buddy anywhere) Burton?
(And we come to the credits, the theme being Long Live The Spoony One by SadPanda)
(One last bit of Lee blowing up the base)