The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
September 27, 2016
(After the opening, we see the outside of Nostalgia Critic's studio. Suddenly, a familiar voice is heard inside, crying in despair. Author's note: this entire section is parodying Amadeus)
NC (off-screen): Rocky and Bullwinkle! (Cut to the front door) Rocky and Bullwinkle! I confess! I killed you!
(Cut to the inside of the studio. Malcolm and Tamara appear)
(It's revealed that NC is in the closet)
NC: I killed anyone's interest in seeing you!
(Malcolm knocks on the door)
Tamara: Critic, are you okay?
Malcolm: Yeah, what about target practice at Raja Gosnell's house? (Takes out the handgun)
Tamara: Now, Critic, if you don't open the door, we're gonna drink all the Ecto-Cooler and leave nothing for you.
Malcolm: (whispering) I thought we were gonna do that anyway.
Tamara: (whispering) No, he doesn't know that.
(NC lets out a gut-wrenching scream. A thud is heard. Malcolm and Tamara rush into the closet and see NC holding a gun to his head)
Malcolm: Oh, my God!
(He runs to NC and gives him his handgun)
Malcolm: Mine's a nine-millimeter. Less kickback.
NC: Thank you.
(He knocks him out. Cut to Father Venkman from the Ghostbusters (2016) review, played by Walter Banasiak, coming in while the organ music plays)
Tamara: Oh, thank God! He was saying the strangest things about a movie that everyone hates. Clearly, his soul has been twisted by the Devil.
Walter: Do not worry. If there is one thing I know, it's how to force the internet's opinion with shame. It's good to know that he has such good friends.
(They open the door, revealing NC covered with a blanket and playing on a synthesizer. Malcolm is holding another handgun)
Malcolm: How about this? There's no chance you can misfire.
Malcolm: Oh! Sorry.
(He still gives NC the gun. Tamara sighs and leaves)
Malcolm: If you gotta do something, do it right! He'd be proud of me.
(Malcolm leaves, too. Walter comes into the closet while NC plays some notes. Walter sits down. NC stops and looks at him blankly)
NC: Leave me alone. (Continues to play)
Walter: Your friends told me you were saying some consuming things about a movie. It's okay. (NC looks at him again) All terrible movies are equally bad in the eyes of the Internet.
NC: (turns to him) Are they? Tell me, how well-trained are you in bad film adaptations?
Walter: I know a little. Bigger films, mostly.
NC: Ah! Then you must know...
(Cut to the footage of How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000))
NC (vo): ...why a Dr. Seuss character sticking his head in a woman's cleavage and having a man kiss a dog's ass...
NC: ...doesn't work.
Walter: I can't say that I do. Isn't that the beloved adaptation of The Grinch?
NC: Oh, Christ. All right, well... Surely you must know why the Mad Hatter break-dancing...
(Clips from Alice in Wonderland (2010) are shown)
NC (vo): ...and applying rules and logic to an illogical world that (Cut to the movie's title crossed out and the words "Grown Up Alice Returns to Underland" written) can't even represent the title right...
NC: ...doesn't work.
Walter: I regret it is not too familiar. It does sound like that smash hit Alice in Wonderland, though!
(He hits the synthesizer's keys in anger. After a moment, he calms himself down)
NC: Here. What about this one? An animated moose and squirrel try to save the world from a vil--
Walter: A villain with a lame accent? They make all sorts of forced puns with stupid slapstick and no story? Yes, I know that! I'm sorry, I had no idea you despise that film as much as everyone else!
NC: I didn't. That was Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Walter: The film you accuse yourself of killing?
NC: You heard that?
Walter: For God's sake, my son! If you have something to confess, do it now.
NC: They were... my icons.
(Clips from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show start playing)
NC (vo): Rocky and Bullwinkle. The popular TV show that ran from 1959 to 1964. While kids could enjoy the adventures of a cynical squirrel and a brain-dead moose escaping the clutches of Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader, adults enjoyed a ton of in-jokes and smart writing that would usually go over most children's heads. It was one of the first animated TV shows where the focus was more on the humor for grown-ups and less on exciting stories for kids. Resulting in some brilliant puns...
Natasha: You went to college? Penn State?
Boris: State pen.
NC (vo): ...and not-so-brilliant puns.
Rocky: (holding a letter) It's from Washington!
Bullwinkle: Washington? Suppose you heard I was a Lincoln fan?
NC (vo): There was no doubt: it was corny, but still clever. It showed caring little about the scenario could actually be funny itself if you used it with the right kind of comedy.
NC: But... (Sighs) Nevertheless, when the movie was advertised years later, people shuddered in disgust.
(Footage of trailers for The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle plays)
NC (vo): These were clearly some of the worst trailers ever released since... any of the trailers in 2016.
(Posters for Ghostbusters (2016), Star Trek Beyond, Sausage Party, The Angry Birds Movie, The BFG and Independence Day: Resurgence are shown)
Bullwinkle: (wearing sunglasses and looking at the camera) Wassup? (Cut to the plane crashing and Bullwinkle coming out, dazed) I'd like to use one of my lifelines, please.
NC (vo): They were bad. Really, really bad.
(As NC is talking, we flash back to him at the computer, reading the requests to do a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie, laughing and nodding, and then sitting on a couch and grabbing a remote)
NC (vo): As I read countless requests upon countless requests, I finally decided to watch the sack of moose droppings. As I put the DVD in to review it, I played a little game with myself. The Internet despised this movie. Critics gave it a 43% on Rotten Tomatoes. Did it show? (NC's television shows that only 19% of RT users liked it) Did even the first couple minutes represent how awful this adaptation was? I pushed "Play" on the remote and started to watch.
(The movie starts from an animated sequence showing how hard Rocky and Bullwinkle's lives are now)
Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle themselves were forced to subsist on ever diminishing residual cheques from re-runs of their old show.
NC (vo): But something strange started to happen to me. Something I didn't think would happen to me after all the hatred and awful advertisements. I started to laugh.
(Cut to Fearless Leader, Boris and Natasha)
Narrator: And their plans were crushed by the fall of the Iron Curtain.
(Cue an actual iron wall falling on the baddies. NC laughs but then covers his mouth. Cut back to the present day)
NC: That was Rocky and Bullwinkle! That! That clearly well-written faithful adaptation being showed to me on the screen!
(The film's narrator is shown narrating while at his mother's house)
Narrator: While the Narrator, that's me, is forced to move in with his mother, where he was reduced to narrating the events of his own life.
NC (vo): It seemed to have the same spirit, the same humor, even kind of a similar animation style.
NC: No, no, no, no, no. No! This has to be a mistake! It must be! It better be.
Walter: I just want to clarify: you tried to kill yourself over this movie?
NC: The movie continued...
NC (vo): Explaining how Rocky and Bullwinkle were trapped in re-runs and their home in the forest's been chopped down.
Bullwinkle: I'm the chairman of the Frostbite Falls Society for wildlife conversation.
Rocky: You mean wildlife conservation.
Bullwinkle: Well, somebody's gotta start talking about these things.
Narrator: Even their word play had become hackneyed and cheap.
Bullwinkle: No, it was always like this!
NC (vo): Wow, they even acknowledged how forced a lot of their humor can be. I... I'm legitimately confused. This seems like the typical Rocky and Bullwinkle writing, maybe even a little better because of its awareness of how it's being perceived. I... (sighs) Surely something has to throw this all off.
(Cut to the film's three villains appearing on a live-action television set of a junior executive named Minnie Mogul)
Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader: Hello, Minnie!
NC: Live-action, of course!
NC: Oh, wait, this was the one he was in? Even better!
(Minnie Mogul (Janeane Garofalo) is shown at her work)
NC (vo): We see how Janeane Garofalo chooses her movie scripts...
Minnie Mogul: Too intelligent. (She throws the script into the shredder machine)
NC (vo): When Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader convince her that they should make a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie.
Minnie: What is it?
Boris: It's classic American cartoon from early 60s.
NC: And as you know, films based on shows from the 60s always equals cinematic success.
(The three villains are now shown in live-action form)
NC (vo): So she signs the contract, bringing them into the real world. So now we have De Niro as Fearless Leader, Jason Alexander as Boris, and Rene Russo as Natasha.
Minnie: How did that happen?
Fearless Leader: We are attached to the project.
NC: Was that your excuse for Little Fockers?
NC (vo): But the studio president, Carl Reiner, says he don't like moose pictures.
(Cut to a meeting going on in a movie studio)
P.G. Biggershot: I don't like moose pictures!
NC: What a very specific prejudice.
NC (vo): But the evil trio put out RBTV, Really Bad Television, to hypnotize the world through awful shows to do whatever they want.
NC: Oh, ho-ho! That explains... (Posters for 2 Broke Girls, The Big Bang Theory, The Middle, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Selfie, Chasing Life and NCIS, along with TMZ logo, are shown around NC) I think everything.
NC (vo): But the FBI director Randy Quaid...
NC (vo): ...is putting his top agent on the case, Karen Sympathy, played by Piper Perabo.
(The IMDB search bar appears on the top right corner)
NC: Looper. Th-that's where you know her from.
NC (vo): She's so idealistic, warm-hearted and beautiful, she can't help but smile when she's called idealistic, warm-hearted and beautiful.
Narrator: Idealistic, warm-hearted and beautiful FBI agent, Karen Sympathy... (Karen smiles at her description)
NC: Damn it! This movie's charming! I want it to kiss me and carry me off to a castle. Give me something to work with!
Cappy von Trapment: Are you familiar with The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?
Karen: (excited) Oh! (Cappy looks at her in confusion. Karen then talks in a serious manner) I mean... I've heard of it.
NC: Okay, that was Nickelodeon TV movie awkward. We're back on track!
NC (vo): All that's missing is a visual gag even Haunted House wouldn't use. (Poster for A Haunted House is shown)
Cappy: It's almost if is there were a mole in the White House! (The camera pans to reveal a mole in a suit sitting to Signoff's left)
President Signoff: That's just ridiculous.
NC: YES! This I can work with! In that, it doesn't work, which worked for me! I have a weird job.
NC (vo): So she sneaks into the studio to try and bring Rocky and Bullwinkle to life, by literally choosing the genre of the movie they're about to star in and using literally a green light to create them. This is so meta even the Muppets would turn to the camera and say...
Kermit: You know I'm just a bunch of foam with a puppeteer attached to me, right?
(The camera reveals Jim Henson, played by Doug, operating Kermit)
Jim Henson: I don't even know how many more fourth walls we can break!
NC (vo): But it works and our two heroes are set free.
Karen: Rocky! (shakes Rocky's hand) Bullwinkle! (shakes Bullwinkle's hand)
NC (as Karen): It's such a pleasure to meet the only reason Dave Coulier got a job on Full House.
NC (vo): Something you'll notice very quickly is that the animation on the two of them is clearly computer-generated. You would think this would make them seem less, well... animated and more solid and slow. But in a strange way, it actually works. Rocky and Bullwinkle didn't exist in a world of motion, it was mainly an excuse to make perpal jokes, so in this environment, nothing is really lost. If anything, it really kinda looks like they're in the scene interacting with people, despite them obviously being cartoons.
NC (vo): It's not as good as, say, Roger Rabbit, but it is better than other movies that clearly never looked like they occupied the same space. The CG, surprisingly, really fits. Now, if only that somehow upped Rocky's prozac prescription...
Rocky: (various scenes) Wait a minute! Why don't we take an airplane? / It's just not right. / I could fly if I had to. / You're supposed to be the hero. / I guess the world just doesn't need us. / Eh... Heh-heh-heh...
NC (vo): I swear, every time he's onscreen, he's always bitching or moping about something.
Rocky: (the montage continues) That's not what you said before. / Bullwinkle, that's not what you mean. / What network are you from? / What's the point? / No!
NC (vo): Even Eeyore would be like...
(A picture of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh is shown)
Eeyore (voiced by Doug): Christ. I'd rather be throwing a fire with the Velveteen Rabbit than listen to this guy.
(The police comes in, and Karen, Rocky and Bullwinkle escape)
NC (vo): So they outrun the police, because...clearly, the FBI couldn't ask to do any of this... And they make it to her car.
Rocky: Did you watch our show?
Karen: Did I watch your show? I love your show!
Rocky: You did?
NC: (as Karen, sighs) I'm a beautiful, lipgloss-wearing 19-year-old woman. Of course I've seen Rocky and Bullwinkle! I look just like the rest of our demographic. (A picture of a fat, red-haired man with glasses and beard is shown)
NC (vo): We also see Bullwinkle's antlers can intercept radio frequencies.
(A song "Cryptik Souls Crew" by Len is coming from Bullwinkle)
Rocky: Bullwinkle! Cover up your nose.
Bullwinkle: Okay. (he does so) I was just gettin' jiggy with it!
NC (vo): (sighs) Don't they know every time a movie makes that reference, God's finger gets a little closer to smoting us?
Bullwinkle: I was just gettin' jiggy with it!
(The Earth is shown from space. Suddenly, a big, trembling hand with an index finger closing to the planet appears to a dramatic sting)
NC (vo): So the villains begin their hypnotizing to see if they can make people dumb.
(And the test people are, indeed, hypnotized)
Scientist: It works!
(Fearless Leader and his men enter the laboratory)
Fearless Leader: There has never been a way to actually destroy a cartoon character until now.
Scientist: What about that movie Roger Rabbit?
Fearless Leader: Shut up! This is totally different! (A moment of silence occurs)
NC: Well... That was funny. It was a funny line, funny delivery. Even that awkward silence kinda made it work.
NC (vo): Again, it really is like Rocky and Bullwinkle. Some of the jokes are funny, and some of the jokes are awful. That's always what they were.
Walter: Yes. All that's missing are the confusing jokes. The ones that don't make sense as a kid or an adult.
NC: Oh, like... I don't know. Having an unexplained kid as an evil scientist?
Walter: Yes, that would be rather confus--
(Cut to Lily Nicksay as Sydney, the kid scientist)
Sydney: The Computer Degenerating Imagery, or CDI, as I like to call it...
Walter: ...Why, that's as odd as...
NC: A random animated weasel they just found?
(A traditionally animated weasel is brought to the target)
Weasel: Now I know what happened to my friend, Freddy the Ferret!
Walter: (confused) How?...
NC: Oh, it's okay. Before you even get a chance to question it, they throw in a funny line, so you completely forgot what you were confused about!
Sydney: ...And send him where all worthless cyberjunk ends up...the Internet!
(The ray hits the weasel, and he vanishes in a puff of smoke)
Walter: I feel...delighted, annoyed and puzzled all at the same time!
NC: Exactly! That was Rocky and Bullwinkle! What was the movie up to? Could it be so clever that it was purposefully bad in some places and purposefully odd in others? No, no, no. No. It has to just be bad. This is 2016 Internet, and I will not allow anything down the middle! Especially for...the feature.
Walter: Oh, I don't know. This sound effect is becoming pretty annoying.
(Three scenes where the villains say nothing and we hear a generic "Boing" sound effect are shown)
NC: Okay. That is entirely bad.
(A pretty weird transition, showing the animated road in Fearless Leader's eye switching to live-action, is shown)
NC (vo): But inside Fearless Leader's eye, there's a cartoon...
NC: Because, the director said they'll get it.
NC (vo): When suddenly, objects start falling from the sky.
(Dynamite appears on the road)
Karen: Look out!
NC: You're the one driving! Beware, me! Thank you, me!
(Karen swerves past the dynamite exploding)
NC (vo): They get away, though, leaving Boris and Natasha to face the punishment of Robert De Niro's in-joke.
Fearless Leader: Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?
NC: And when I say in, I mean about as in as John Travolta or Tom Cruise. It's so not in that it's pretty much out.
NC (vo): The two of them steal a helicopter from a very strange Jonathan Winters cameo.
(Jonathan Winters is shown playing a pilot coming out of a port-a-potty)
Chopper Pilot: I'm sick and tired of shopping for a helicopter! Only if I had a missile, I'd blow your buns right out of the sky! (laughs)
NC (vo): But our heroes get intercepted by a possibly stranger cameo from John Goodman.
Rocky: But she really is with the FBI!
Oklahoma State Trooper: Yeah, and I'm really John Goodman. Let's get in the car.
NC: You know, after Blues Brothers 2000, I wouldn't admit I was John Goodman either.
NC (vo): So they're separated from their Coyote Ugly co-star...
(The IMDB search bar appears again)
NC: Yes, that's the other one you know her from, put it down!
NC (vo): ...as they partake in, what a shock, more puns.
Rocky: We don't have time to get to Washington.
Bullwinkle: This is no time to worry about getting the washing done!
NC (vo): (sighs) You know, Rocky and Bullwinkle really need a pun scale. Something to show which ones legitimately work and which ones are Hitler's ass scratchers.
(Rocky and Bullwinkle are shown flattened on the road)
Bullwinkle: This movie's getting kinda...
Rocky: Don't say it.
(The pun's bad scale breaks hard)
NC: Aw, great! There's no telling how low that pun will go!
(Meanwhile, in Hell, Satan (Malcolm) is walking around. He stops to notice the bad scale falling into Hell)
Satan: Someone's watching Rocky and Bullwinkle again.
(Rocky and Bullwinkle meet two students, Lewis and Martin, played by Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell)
NC (vo): They're picked up, however, by a duo of "Hey, This Was a Thing".
Lewis: So where you guys been all this time, huh?
Rocky and Bullwinkle: Re-runs.
Martin: You know that's never gonna happen to us, right?
(Lewis winks at Martin)
NC: Boy, I don't know whether to feel bad or... (beat) No, that's the only option.
NC (vo): They go to the boy's college, which was actually a school Bullwinkle went to in the show, but there's just one problem, the college is anti-moose.
Student: (points at Bullwinkle) There's the animated freak now!
NC: What is with all the moose hate in this?!
NC (vo): What, did he violate your safe space with his giant antlers? Is he now on the wall of entertainers that are too shocking to perform at colleges?
(A warning sigh with the caption "Too Scary to Perform at Colleges" and pictures of Jerry Seinfeld, Larry the Cable Guy, Chris Tucker and Bullwinkle is shown. Cut to Karen working in a college cafeteria and talking with a guard named Ole)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Karen flirts with a Swedish guard by promising to take him to the movies if he gets her out. But, is it me or are her hand gestures a little too, um... symbolic?
Ole: How would we eat your popcorn?
Karen: Well, we could eat our popcorn with one hand and hold hands with the other.
(Karen pushes the pressure on the hose twice)
NC (vo): Thank God, Bullwinkle wasn't firing the puns on this one.
NC (vo, as Bullwinkle): Boy, she really knows how to squeeze my hose!
NC (vo, as Rocky): Bullwinkle.
NC (vo, as Bullwinkle): I'm just saying she really knows how to make the wet stuff come out.
NC (vo, as Rocky): Bullwinkle!
NC (vo, as Bullwinkle): Oh, and when I say "come out"...
NC (vo, as Rocky): Ok, don't come crying to me if the FCC leaves a horse head on your mattress!
NC (vo, as Bullwinkle): At least I wouldn't be the only one getting head.
NC (vo, as Rocky): Oh, Christ!
NC (vo): Back at the college, Rocky sees Boris is about to attack. So he tries once more to see if he can remember how to fly.
Rocky: Got to save Bullwinkle!
(Rocky flies straight up into the air, leaving a trail of smoke. Cut to a Rocky and Bullwinkle Taco Bell commercial)
Narrator: Luckily, Rocky had delicious Taco Bell tacos!
(The same scene plays out, only with a fart noise being added. Cut to the end of another Taco Bell commercial)
Bullwinkle: Saved by the bell!
NC (vo): He foils their evil plan, saves Bullwinkle, yet somehow still finds something to be upset about.
Rocky: I guess I've lost the knack. I'll never fly again.
NC (vo): Seriously, so lot prosac that (picture of) that creepy shit from We Happy Few! Take something, you depressed woodchuck!
Narrator: Yes, Bullwinkle's speech was so lame that the students couldn't understand a word he was saying and, consequently, found nothing to object to.
NC: Oh, my God, this movie may have predicted the future. Nah, they'd always find something to object to.
NC (vo): Plus, there are some legitimately funny scenes, like the nice Swedish guard who helps Karen escape to go to the movies, she totally abandons him! Doesn't even think twice! Honestly, this movie really does have a lot of the characteristics of the original cartoon, right down to some of it being brilliant and some of it being painful. I'm sorry, but it really is a good adaptation!
NC: But why...this film? Why is Rocky and Bullwinkle the adaptation that works?
NC (vo): With all the great cartoons turned into live-action shit, why is this the one that gets all the effort, even down to the flaws?
NC: These other adaptations deserve better! These other adaptations deserve better!
Walter: What are you saying?
NC: I'm saying from now on, the movie and I are enemies.
(A classical dramatic music plays throughout the clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (vo): Because it chooses this piece of crap to represent perfectly when other adaptations deserve the attention.
NC: Because it is unjust, unfair, unkind. I will block it, I swear it!
NC (vo): I will hinder and harm that feature on Earth as I am able.
NC: I will ruin Moose and Squirrel.
Walter: You know people already hate it, right?
NC: Well... yeah, but, I'll make them hate it even more.
Walter: That's not very impressive...
NC: (mimicks Walter) You're not very impressive.
(We cut to a commercial break)
(When we return, we go to a scene where Rocky and Bullwinkle crash into the Chicago road sign)
NC (vo): So Rocky and Bullwinkle race towards Chicago, probably lured by their filming tax breaks.
NC: It wouldn't last.
NC (vo): Where they drive through two Italian peasants, just so they can crash through some fruit carts in their chase. If that's not funny enough, get a load of this weird silent moment.
(Rocky and Bullwinkle jump the car over a river and the car lands on a flatbed truck. During all this, they remain silent)
NC: (laughs) I have no idea why that was there, but it just cracks me up!
NC (vo): Was it supposed to be an out-of-body experience? Like, we're supposed to hear their thoughts?
NC (vo, as Rocky): I never did tell her how I really feel... (A picture of Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob SquarePants appears beside Rocky)
NC (vo, as Bullwinkle): You know what would be pointless right now? A Billy Crystal cameo.
(Sure enough, we cut to a Billy Crystal cameo, where he's a salesman, carrying mattresses on his back)
Salesman: Mattresses for sale! Volume!
(Boris and Natasha land on the mattresses, crushing the salesman)
Salesman: Now that's a soft mattress.
NC (as a salesman): This cameo just fixed my pipes in my summer home!
(A scene of Whoopi Goldberg as a character named Judge Cameo is shown briefly)
NC (vo): Yeah, a lot of the cameos in this movie, if you haven't noticed, don't really make a lot of sense. It's the equivalent of using an unpopular appearance twice for no real reason...
(Jonathan Winters appears as an Ohio State Trooper)
NC (vo): ...WE JUST SAW HIM! We just saw Jonathan Winters! Why are they using him again?!
NC: Oh, and it doesn't tie into any joke!
NC (vo): It's not like that's his brother or his lookalike or the same person. It's just Jonathan Winters as a different character!
NC: Hell, why not complete the trilogy and have him pop up as another completely different character...
(In this case, Jonathan Winters appears as Jeb, the owner of the gas station)
NC: ...I'm high, I, I, I'm completely high!
NC (vo): Why would there be three Jonathan Winter cameos? Wh-- was this in his contract? He had to play more than one character, no matter how brief or pointless? What if he had that same contract in Smurfs?
(Cut to footage from The Smurfs with NC as Jonathan Winters voicing Smurfette, Gargamel and Azrael)
NC (as Jonathan Winters voicing Smurfette): Hey, everybody! Do you like my new dress?
NC (as Jonathan Winters voicing Gargamel): I got you now, Papa Smurf!
NC (as Jonathan Winters voicing Azrael): Meow!
NC: He doesn't always have to be a one-man everything!
NC (vo): Our heroes escape the villains again, which just curls Alexander's reverse-Hitlerstache, but Karen tries to encourage Rocky to conquer his fear of flying. I... I feel like we've done this already.
(Karen screams as she starts falling off the plane)
(Rocky flies to save Karen falling from the plane)
Karen: Rocky? You're flying! You're flying!
NC: This is the most exciting moment since, let's look at the clock here... 20 minutes ago! (a clip of Rocky saving Bullwinkle at the college is shown below) 20 minutes ago is when this happened! I was just as excited...then, actually, no, I'm less excited, because we did it...what was it again? 20 minutes ago!
(Rocky and Karen fly past the Statue of Liberty)
NC (vo): We come across this image that, quite frankly, I have no words for, as the villains lie about destroying our heroes, making Fearless Leader very happy.
Fearless Leader: Excellent! My faithful minions, excellent!
(Everybody starts singing the Pottsylvania anthem, "Hail Pottsylvania")
NC: Go home, movie. You're drunk.
NC (vo): I clearly haven't licked enough toes for this. How is it Robert De Niro has been in movies (screenshot from Meet the Parents is shown) where he's worn big boobs and yet somehow this seems more demeaning?
(Fearless Leader throws some chocolate into Boris and Natasha's mouths)
NC (vo): Well, at least they get chocolates, though.
Boris and Natasha: Thank you, Fearless Leader!
NC: I have so many questions.
NC (vo): Karen and Rocky get captured and see what Fearless Leader has done to the other agents.
(The FBI agents have been turned to vegetables)
NC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the main cause of your bedwetting tonight!
NC (vo): Look close. Look close, indeed! There's no way you're getting those urine stains out of your mattress!
NC: Not terrifying enough? What if we melt it with...
NC (vo): ...a beautiful lady and one of your cartoon icons?!
(Rocky and Karen have been turned into vegetables)
NC: Rule 34 has nothing on this insanity! The Lord knows someone's jerking off to it.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Bullwinkle accidentally lands in Washington.
(In front of the White House, to be exact)
Bullwinkle: Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well talk to the President about the trees.
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. The...trees are still a thing.
NC: Is... this, like, a last-minute environmental message? Because it's not worked in very well.
(Footage from Gone with the Wind is shown)
NC (vo): I don't think Gone with the Wind would be very powerful if they suddenly threw in...
Scarlett: Where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
NC (vo, as Rhett): And by the way, don't smoke.
(Rhett walks off. Back to the movie. Bullwinkle finds Cappy at the White House)
NC (vo): But Quaid is still there and realizes the best way to get Bullwinkle to save them is to email him over.
(Bullwinkle is in the computer)
NC (vo, as Bulllwinkle): Say, what's this site called Tentacle Hentai?
(Fearless Leader's henchmen prepare for shooting his speech)
Cameraman: Seven... (everything freezes) Siiiiiiiix....
Narrator: While time stood virtually still at RBTV...
NC: No, not really, we just want to show off we can do that effect.
NC (vo): But it's too late, for everyone is under Fearless Leader's control and he forces the world to vote for him.
(Fearless Leader appears on almost every television set in the world, and hypnotized people are watching him)
Fearless Leader: Vote for Fearless Leader!
Everyone: (monotone) We will vote for Fearless Leader.
(Pictures of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump appear as NC is confused who to joke about)
NC: I...uh, either one works in this scenario.
(Bullwinkle appears and helps defeating the villains)
NC (vo): But Bullwinkle's antlers reverse the signal, and he slams into De Niro, surprisingly holding back a Raging Bull joke.
NC: I would have done it, I would have done it.
NC (vo): Everything gets wrapped up and our heroes, of course, save the day.
(Rocky and Bullwinkle (the latter is wearing sunglasses) walk the path, along with some interviewers and photographers)
Narrator: And RBTV changed its name from Really Bad Television to Rocky and Bullwinkle Television.
Bullwinkle: (winks to the camera) What's the difference?
NC: Wow, I think Rocky's negativity is really rubbing off on him. You gotta learn how to love yourselves!
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Karen is allowed to love her inner child...because the film tells us that was a thing...and she even goes back to the Swedish guy who was still waiting at the movies the whole time. (sighs) Damn it, that's funny! I don't care if he looks like James Mardsen melted into Greg Sestero, it's still a funny joke! The trees are planted again until the next computer-generated jackass complains about them, and all is right with the world.
(The movie ends with Rocky and Bullwinkle in Frostbyte Falls, waving goodbye to the viewers with "The End" caption in the sky. Classical music resumes playing)
NC: Except for the fact that it's here! It's here on Nostalgia Critic! And you know what that means: destruction, destruction of the feature! Done by the destroyer of films, Nostalgia Critic!
NC (vo): What passion, what comedy, he has been touched by the Internet gods!
NC: And Hollywood forced to listen!
NC (vo): Hollywood that decided this was going to be one of the most faithful adaptations, while other adaptations deserve better!
NC: I'm, for once, in the end, laughing at them! (beat) Still, I have to admit... I kinda liked it.
(Clips from the movie are played for the last time as NC tells his final thoughts)
NC (vo): Okay, it's nothing great, but Rocky and Bullwinkle wasn't really anything great either. It could be brilliant, but it could also be kinda lame. It could be creative, but it could also be kind of phoned-in. The jokes overshadow the story and characters every time, but that was always the idea. And that's precisely what this film is. It captures its source material to a T. Even the trailer re-dubbed a lot of the lines so it would sound lamer for some reason.
Bullwinkle: (from the trailer) Wassup? (same scene, only in the movie) What's the difference?
NC (vo): So it's no wonder nobody wanted to see it. It has a similar feel as George of the Jungle, it's obviously meant to be a kids movie with some tongue in-cheek jokes for adults. But it never loses track that it's mainly just meant for kids. Again, for the most part.
(The scene where Karen pushes the hose pressure is shown again)
NC (vo): And as kids' films go, this is fine. No classic or anything, but a solid C, C-plus. If you're not a fan of the original cartoon, you probably won't be a fan here. But if you have a soft spot for puns, good or bad, fourth wall jokes and kind of an awkward, yet still likeable charm, God help me, I actually think this is enjoyable enough to watch.
(Walter is shown with his head down. NC smiles and laughs)
NC: Are you surprised by my choice? My ability to disagree with the masses? My ballsiness to enjoy something so universally despised?
(Suddenly, Walter raises his head. He was really sleeping)
Walter: Oh, boy. You really can't talk a man's ear off. (NC's smile fades) So, you really liked, uh... Rock-A-Doodle?
NC: Get out of here.
(He gets up and starts to leave)
NC: Oh! And tell the others that enjoy mediocrity that I will speak for them. I am their champion.
(Walter is confused, but quickly shrugs it off. He leaves the closet, and Malcolm and Tamara are waiting for him)
Tamara: Has he gone crazy?
Walter: I think the real question is... was he ever sane?
(The camera gets closer to NC, who has his back turned on it)
NC: Mediocrity. Mediocrity is everywhere. I find you all okay. You're okay! You're okay! All your mediocrities are okay! You are all average! (Imitates Mozart's high-pitched laugh) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
(Fade out. The credits roll)
(The same hose scene plays after the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline - A generic "Boing" sound effect