NC sits in his room, speechless. After a pause he begins without his opening line
NC: (quietly) I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to Earth, and lives in the realms of the real world. (Another short pause, then inhales deeply and speaks in a much firmer tone) UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue, mutated hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails. (Relaxes, and speaks in a normal tone) This, is the gateway to madness, that the world of children's programming has chosen to call, The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Cut to the title screen, followed by a montage of clips from the show played to the opening theme music
NC: Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who was not only criminally insane, but was also drunk, high and had a whole-frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain.
Cut back to the NC's room
NC: (loudly and affirmatively) He would be NORMAL compared to the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. So, what's wrong with this show? (beat) What's right with this show!? That's the shorter answer!
Cut to another montage of clips with the theme music
NC: It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is, it is that crazy.
Cut back to NC's room
NC: So, rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it. The key word being "try".
Cut to the beginning of the show's opening sequence
NC: So here's the opening of the show, which I suppose is supposed to sum up what the show is about.
Flows into a fast-paced edit of the opening sequence showing all the times Sonic or his name appears in it. When he or his name appears on-screen, NC responds.
NC: (mock-excitedly) Look, it's Sonic! Sonic! We got a lot of Sonic! Hello, Sonic! Sonic! Hey, lots of Sonic lots of Sonic! Hey Sonic! Sonic! C'mon n'g of Sonic, Sonic.
Cut back to NC's room
NC: (sarcastically) Well, that explained everything.
Cut to a montage of clips featuring Sonic running, Sonic running alongside Tails flying, a robot bounty hunter ripping the wall off a house, a panoramic scroll of inside Robotnik's fortress, a chili-dog stand robot rising on a metal pole and a street full of crooked buildings
NC: So the show takes place in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land. I call it that because clearly you look at the backgrounds, knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted "really, who gives a shit?"
Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails stopping atop a small hill to look at a small collection of buildings in the distance
Tails: Boy, I thought we'd never find it.
Cut back to NC's room
NC: Civilization? Where? What, you mean those couple of (cut back to the view of the city) building blocks in the distance? That's supposed to be a city? (cut back to NC's room) Oh yeah, one of the great architectural designs of cinema. (cut to a view of Gotham City from Batman (1989)) Gotham City, (cut to a view of the Castle of Gondor from Lord of the Rings) the Castle of Gondor*, (cut back to AoStH's city) shitty-ass bricks. (cut back to NC's room) I can't wait to see more!
(* proper name is Minas Tirith. Gondor is the country the castle is in)
Cut to another montage of clips from the show featuring Sonic speeding into the distance, Sonic knocking over some robots, Sonic and Tails running away from a pack of robots, a pack of robots interacting and then running to the left and Scratch and Grounder performing a ring-around-the-rosie victory dance whilst cheering "we did it, we did it"
NC: Now I know what you might be thinking. "Aren't you just showing the opening of the show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon for kids that have Tourette's syndrome.
Cut to a zoom-in of Sonic talking to Tails.
NC: So the show stars Sonic, duh, fresh (cut to the title screen of the video game Sonic the Hedgehog) from the hit video game off the SEGA Genesis. (cut to several clips of Sonic talking to Tails) He's voiced by none other than Jaleel White. That's right, (cut to a picture of White as Urkel) Urkel from Family Matters.
Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails taunting towards the camera
Sonic: (tauntingly) I seeeee yooooou!
Cut back to NC's room
NC: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, 'cause Urkel's voice was such a delight to listen to, wasn't it?
Cut to an edited clip of Sonic confronting Scratch and Grounder, with Sonic's lines being dubbed over by Urkel's voice
Urkel: All I care about in this park is the safety of the kids! I shall be forced to verbally castigate you in front of your peers!
Cut to clips of Sonic interacting with Tails
NC: He's accompanied by his sidekick Tails, a little fox who can fly around because he was born with two tails.
Cut back to NC's room
NC: (slowly, confused) Makes sense to me.
Cut to clips of Robotnik
NC: They're out to stop the evil Robotnik, who seems to live in a house (cut to an exterior shot of Robotnik's fortress) designed by Frank Lloyd Wrong. (cut to a clip of Robotnik) His evil plan it to, you guessed it, take over the world.
Cut back to NC's room, where he looks annoyed.
NC: (dismissively) No, I'm not going to do it. I'm sick of that joke. Y'know, it was funny at first, but now it's just getting annoying. So you are never going to hear that joke ag- (suddenly the Bison "Of course" clip tries to push it's way in from the left, but NC pushes it aside. The clip then tries to push itself in from the bottom, but NC pushes it away with difficulty) Hehehe, it's going to take more than that to stop - (the clip drops down from the top and lands on NC, and then plays)
Bison: OF COURSE!
NC: (offscreen, muffled) Fucking joke.
Cut to clips of Robotnik
NC: So Robotnik isn't really as much a dictator as much as a comic foil for Sonic to make fun of. But what do you expect when you dress like Santa Claus' sadomasochistic gimp brother?
Clip of Robotnik pacing on a stage
Robotnik: One trouble-making teenager has made me tear every hair from (indicates his head) my beautiful head!
Robotnik presses a button on a remote control and curtains part to reveal a picture of Sonic to the booing crowd.
NC:(as Robotnik bares his teeth at the camera revealing the word "HATE" before they crack and shatter to pieces) Wow, he hates him so much that he actually tattooed the word "HATE" right on his very teeth.
Cut back to NC's room
NC: (impressed) That's a lot of hate.
Cut to clips of Robotnik and his army of robots
NC: He tries to stop him by building robots that are designed to kill and destroy. (panoramic scroll of the robot army) These machines are so lame I'd doubt they'd make it (cut to the stage select screen of Mega Man 3) as half-baked Mega Man villains. (Suddenly the level intro begins with one of Robotnik's robots jumping into the centre, with the name "Do You Even Care?" appearing below it)
NC: (cut to a clip of Robotnik with his henchmen) Two of the robots created are a (cut to clip of Scratch) robotic chicken named Scratch, and (cut to a clip of Grounder)... whatever the hell this is named Grounder.
NC:(Cut to a clip of Scratch and Grounder) And if you thought Sonic's voice was annoying, just listen to this ear sodomy.
Scratch: Hey fastdraw, you missed!! BaHAhaHA!
Grounder: I'll glue your yap shut.
"(Cut back to NC room) NC:(fingers in ears, groans)
(cut to clip of Grounder and Scratch) NC: How do I describe the voices of these two? You ever tell your side of a story where your trying to make the other person you're talking about sound really obnoxious?
(Cut back to NC room)
NC:(voice slightly deeper) So I'm sitting there, just talking to my friends when suddenly the teacher walks in and is like (mocking Scratch, wagging finger) What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?
(cut to clip of Scratch and Grounder)
Scratch: He made me persistent. He made you too dumb to quit!
(Cut back to NC room) NC: And then my idiot friend is like, (mocking Grounder) Duhh, I don't know. I thought it started later.
(Cut to clip from the show)
Grounder: Yeah, the chase is over!
(Cut back to NC room) NC: You make them sound annoying for a reason. (beat) THEY ANNOY YOU!!
(Cut to clip of the show) NC: There's also a monkey named Coconuts who wants to capture Sonic on his own, often declaring war on the speedy little hedgehog.
Coconuts: I declare open season on hedgehogs!
(Cut back to NC room) NC: I don't know why, but this vengeful war-hungry monkey always reminded me of George W Bush. (Shows Coconuts next to a picture of President Bush) Maybe it's the cowboy hat. I don't know.
Coconuts: You can run, but you can't hide, hedgehog!
(Cut back to NC room) NC: (imitating George W Bush) He's got weapons of mass acceleration...
(Cut to a clip of the show) NC: The way Sonic always gets out of their traps is by running, of course, and putting on several disguises, as the bad guys never seem to realize there's a lot of blue overdressed hedgehogs in the neighborhood recently.
Sonic (dressed as a circus ring leader) Don't crowd. Don't push. Admission is free.
(Sonic opens the tent and the bad guys run in, only to fall off a cliff. Sonic walks to the edge to confirm they fell over.)
(Cut to NC room)
NC: (Sigh) Well that came out of nowhere.
(Cut to a clip of the show)
NC: I love how he actually winks to the audience to point out that it's him under that costume. Because he's such a master of disguise that we really needed the extra hint.
(Cut to a clip of Sonic with a badguy robot)
(Sonic runs up to the robot)
Sonic: I'm over there. (Sonic points in opposite direction, the robot looks as Sonic runs away, leaving the robot to scratch his head)
(Cut to NC room) NC: How does that work? I don't care how stupid you are, if you just say, "I'm over there", nobody's gonna go, "Oh he's over there!" Even the mentally ill aren't that stupid!
(Cut to clip of the show) NC: Look at this animation, by the way. There is no thought, focus or structure to any of it. This isn't animation, it's fucking doodling. I don't want to watch something that's less entertaining than something I drew on my desk in high school.
(Cut to clip of Sonic) Sonic: Guess you guys won't be staying for a second show.
(Cut to NC room) NC (smiling): You got that right.
(Cut to a clip of the show) NC: So the whole show is pretty much just evil robots trying to set up traps to catch Sonic and how the traps always seem to backfire. Gee, does that sound familiar at all?
(Cut to a clip of Wile E. Coyote with a sign that says "Lame" on it.)
(Cut back to clip of the show) NC: Unlike the roadrunner, though, this show has the misfortune of having people speak; obviously a very big mistake.
Scratch: Look, here comes the hedgehog! Get ready to nab him!
(Sonic and Tails run towards Scratch and Grounder. A fight cloud erupts) Grounder: I got him! (The smoke clears and Grounder and Scratch are in there own traps.)
Grounder: I thought you had him!
Scratch: I thought you had him!
(Cut to NC room.)
NC: Oh god. Tom and Jerry had a plot compared to this.
(Cut to a clip of the show) NC: As you probably gathered, this show has absolutely no basis or logic or reason, but there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension.
(Cut to another scene of the show with Sonic and Tails napping under a tree) NC: Like watch this scene as they try to setup yet another trap.
(Grounder comes around the corner and blows into his hand to produce in his other a pumpkin.)
(Cut to NC room) NC: (VERY confused) What?!?! Pumpkin?!?!? P-pumpkin?!?!? What?!?!? What?!?!?! What?!? (beat) Pumpkin, what??!?!
NC: (Voiceover) I DON'T CARE WHAT DRUG-INDUCED LAND YOU'RE IN, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. How did you even come to that conclusion?!
NC: I mean what's next? He's gonna blow into his hand and a beautiful woman is gonna come out?!
(...Which Scratch, pulling a string on his hand, then proceeds to actually do, which actually does look quite disturbing.)
NC: (Voiceover) How can you blow into your hand and make a woman? Why are you even chasing hedgehogs if you could blow into your hand and make a woman? It does NOT ADD UP!
NC: My god! How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like?
(The opening is shown with the Critic narrating over it.)
NC: (Voiceover) Hey kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya? Then put on The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. You'll love this cosmic out-of-body raping of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on. You must be at least this high to watch.
(A picture of Chester A. Bum is shown when the Critic says "this high." Get it?)
NC: (Voiceover) One of the running jokes I guess is that Sonic always has a thing for chili dogs.
Tails: Where are we?
Sonic: A long way from the nearest chili dog stand. Two chili dogs to go!
Tails: Can we find some more chili dogs?
Sonic: Two dozen chili dogs.
Coconuts: You've munched your last chili dog!
Sonic: ...buy chili dogs from that guy.
NC: You know, at least with other cartoons, there's some sort of rhyme or reason: Bugs Bunny with carrots, Winnie the Pooh and honey ... a blue hedgehog and chili dogs? ... What's the connection?
NC: (Voiceover) My guess is that it gives him his supersonic speed, that is to say I'm sure he's fast on his feet, but nothing can breathe fire like a gas-producing bean product that makes you want to shit more than a Metamucil cocktail.
Sonic: Gotta roll, troll!
NC: (Voiceover) Even in the realm of its own insanity, it doesn't make any sense, like look at this scene when they're trapped in a cage and a trapdoor is slowly opening up.
NC: First of all: TAILS CAN FLY! Why doesn't he just pick up Sonic and lift him up off the ground?
NC: (Voiceover) Second: Are you seriously telling me that you can't fit through those bars? You could drive a fucking pickup truck through those giant gaps!
Sonic: Don't you realize the terrible villain is about to destroy this entire place-
Mole: Nope. Don't pay no never mind to current events.
Sonic: Maybe you should consider a career in politics.
NC: (Voiceover) Oh come on. I've seen Fruity Pebbles commercials funnier than this.
NC: This is torture. This is madness.
A clip of the film 300 is shown.
King Leonidas: THIS, IS, SONIC!
NC: (Voiceover) And just when you think you've seen the lamest part of the show, Sonic actually has a moral to teach at the end, 'cause I really want a blue hedgehog who eats chili dogs to be my children's teacher.
Tails: We're surrounded Sonic. Call 911!
Sonic: No way, Tails. This is nothing. 911 is for real emergencies.
NC: (Imitates Sonic) That's right, kids. Don't call 911 if you're being attacked by people who want to kill or kidnap you. Only call for important things, like if your cable goes out and you can't watch The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. That's what's important!
NC: (Voiceover) But even the messages are weird. I mean, there's the usual stuff, like learn to share and eat your veggies, but some of these are just ... strange.
Sonic: Believe it or not, every year some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet.
NC: Really? Kids climbing in the dryer is such a national problem that they had to devote the entire end of an episode to that? You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watched this show, this is probably a good thing to teach. Because my guess is that when they're not trying to operate heavy machinery with their BUTTCHEEKS, they're probably trying to do something stupid like this.
I mean, what else could you possibly teach that would be as stupid as that?
Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth.
(Critic nervously stares for a few seconds, then snaps, pulls out a gun and shoots the characters)
NC: (shoots at Sonic) FUCK THIS SHOW! (shoots at Tails) FUCK THIS SHOW! (shoots Scratch) FUCK THIS SHOW! (shoots Robotnik, then proceed to shoot some more while repeating the line)
(cut to an explosion sequence)
NC: This is crazy! In every possible meaning of the word! Nothing about this show makes sense! It's PURE BULLSHIT! It's the kind of movie they would show Malcolm McDowell in "Clockwork Orange" to freak his mind.
(cut to a scene from Clockwork Orange, with Malcolm tied to his seat, eyes wide open with Sonic in them)
Alex DeLarge: Aaaah, stop it, stop it, please! I beg you!
(cut to a promo picture featuring cast of Sonic SatAM)
NC: (Voiceover) Now if you can believe it, there was actually another show with Sonic that came out the exact same time. They even got the same actor, Jaleel White, to play the lead. Because one Sonic show wasn't enough to piss us off, I guess. The show was called Sonic the Hedgehog, but later got the name Sonic SatAM. Why? Because it came on Saturday mornings, I guess. Now, isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like calling the title of a show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Eastern Standard Time"? Look, I know it's customary to release the show after some time has gone by, but within the same fucking year?
NC: That's as crazy as the rest of the bullshit I've had up with today! Well, forget it! I give up! I don't even wanna think about the idea of this show procreated. There's no way in hell that any show connected to this character can possibly be good! I am done...done..DONE!
(Opening to Sonic The Hedgehog begins, while Critic looks more and more excited as frames go by.)
NC: Effort! Honest to God effort!
(A clip from a movie is shown while the title screen of “Sonic the Hedgehog” fades in place.)
NC (vo): I mean, talk about the complete opposite. This show takes a relatively bright, plotless video game story and turns it into a dark, edgy, and actually kind of epic show. It’s setting was stylish, it’s plotline's developed, it’s characters surprisingly complex, but surely you can’t take something as silly-looking as Robotnik and make him the least bit intimida- (A clip of an angry looking Robotnik from the show suddenly appears with his eyes glowing red.)
NC (vo): Jesus! Man, even Robotnik is cool. In fact, he may be one of the coolest villains ever. Just listen to that kick-ass voice.
- Note that the voice actor is Jim Cummings, the Critic is not aware of this.
Robotnik: Ooh that’s good. That’s very good indeed.
NC (vo): It’s like he’s orgasming on every word he says.
Robotnik: A very nice touch. Well, well, well. This is good.
Cut back to NC’s room.
NC: (imitating Robotnik) Ooh that’s good. That’s very good. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Lower. Lower. Lower! (Makes a face that looks like he just had an orgasm) Oh that’s just delicious.
Robotnik: It warms the cockles of my heart.
NC: Okay. The less I know about your cockles, the better.
NC (vo): Still, this was a pretty nasty bad guy. Certainly a lot different from (shows a clip from “The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog”) that other show. (Cut back to “Sat AM”) The story is actually inventive too. Unlike the other show where Robotnik is trying to take over the world, in this show, he pretty much already has. Everything is robotocized. The city, the animals, everything. And it’s just Sonic and a secret group of freedom fighters who try to stop this industrial takeover to bring the green back to the forest.
NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I can’t comprehend this. An environmental message that’s…. subtle? (This word appears on screen.)
NC (vo): Yes, apparently there is subtlety in this Sonic cartoon unlike (shows another clip from “Adventures” and sighs) that other show. (Cut back to “Sat AM”) Sonic’s not alone in this battle, though. He has a team of animals that are kind of like the Care Bears, Ewoks, and Smurfs all rolled into one. If you gave them weapons. You got Tails, of course, but thankfully he’s kind of downplayed. The other characters are Antoine, a cowardly Frenchman...
Antoine: I am admitting to being a worry-one, but this terrible place it’s- it’s not so good for our health. We go home, yes?
NC: (imitating Antoine) In fact, why don’t we just surrender? ‘Cause that’s all we French know how to do, right? Surrender, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now where’s my French beret, accordion, twirly moustache, and stripped shirt? (beat) A-Jerry Lewis.
NC (vo): A half-animal, half-machine named Bunnie Rabbot, yeah, I know I hate the pun too.
Bunnie Rabbot: And the big, ugly old wolf says “The better to see y’all with my dear.”
Tails: That wolf is nasty, huh Bunnie?
Bunnie: Nasty as a one-eyed snake sugar.
NC: (imitating Bunnie) I wish I had a one-eyed snake come after me. Too bad my vagina eats people. What with it being robotocized and all.
NC (vo): And last, but not least, Princess Sally. The face that launched a thousand furries. What’s a furry you may ask? Um, long touchy story. (Clips from Critic’s Space Jam review play) Let’s just say in my Space Jam review when I said there weren’t people out there who’d want to fuck bunnies, I was wrong. (Back to “Sat AM”) Oh, okay, that’s a harsh generalization. But from what I can tell, it’s people who are fascinated by half-animal, half-human creatures. But for some reason centaurs are never on there. What’s up with that?
NC: What do you got against the centaurs, huh? Are you anti-centites? Huh? HUH?!
NC (vo): I don’t know. But either way, I found out that this character has kind of a cult following. But here’s my question: if she’s a princess, where’s the king? They talk about him sometimes, but they mostly hint at the fact that he’s probably dead. So, shouldn’t she be in charge now?
Sally: I know he’s alive. I just don’t know where.
NC: You’re not really a princess! You just took the title ‘cause it sounds cute! Take some authority. You’re a queen! Queen it up bitch! They all don’t have to look like Elizabeth II; you can still be pretty. But start moving forward and take some responsibility! The furries will respect you for it.
NC (vo): This is a really cool-looking world, too. It’s very gritty and harsh with more threatening robotic minions unlike (shows clip from “Adventures”) THAT OTHER SHOW! (Back to “SatAM”) In fact, these settings are so detailed that I keep thinking that they stumbled onto a Star Wars movie half the time.
(Sally jumps down from a landing)
Darth Vader: The Force is with you… But you are not a Jedi yet.
NC (vo): But perhaps the biggest upset for most people is the last episode. Not because it was so bad, but because it was too good. Robotnik creates a doomsday device, half the freedom fighters are captured, Sonic and Sally discover some sort of ultimate power; they destroy the device, wipe out the city, Robotnik retreats forever, his wormy sidekick escapes in a pod, Sonic and Sally confess their love for each other, and they all live happily ever after…
NC: Or do they?!
Snively: (laughs) Well don’t celebrate too soon hedgehog. Now, it’s my turn, and I’m not alone!
A pair of red eyes comes out from the darkness. (The eyes belong to Naugus who was intended to replace Robotnik as antagonist in Season 3)
NC: Holy shit! What is that?! Oh my God! I can’t wait for the next episode! What the hell’s gonna happen?!
(Cancelled appears on the screen in bright red letters)
NC: (pauses) Fuck you!!!!!!!! (Starts shaking uncontrollably)
NC (vo): Why is it video game spin-off’s never learn? (Shows clips from Super Mario Bros. and Mortal Kombat do demonstrate his point.) Leaving us on a cliffhanger doesn’t guarantee a sequel. It just pisses us off. And even if they do have a sequel, it doesn’t always mean that it’s gonna be good. Just be self-contained. ( Footage of “Sonic Sat AM ”) Oh, well. That being said, this really was a great show. In fact, it’s actually better than I remember it. Maybe I should have put it somewhere on the Top 11 Animated Nostalgic TV shows, just consider it the number 12 spot, I guess. It literally took nothing and turned it into something. Unlike (footage “Adventures”) THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW!
NC: They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it’s like? It’s like two students who turn in two separate projects for a class.
NC: (Now wearing his tie and just a T-shirt) Hey there teach. Here’s my project. (Footage of “Sonic Sat AM”) I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible, given the guidelines. But, I think I came up with a pro-environmental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces.
NC: (back to Critic with his normal clothes on) Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you. A+.
(Title card of “Sonic Sat AM” shows A+)
NC: Now where’s my other student, Fuckup McDumbass?
NC: (This time he sounds retarded and his clothes are all messed up) Hey teach! Here’s my project. (Footage of “The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog”) And it’s awesome! It’s got a lot of running, a lot of chilidogs. It’s got a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, going blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. It’s totally awesome!
NC: (regular clothes and with a pissed off look on his face) McDumbass, did you put any effort into any of this?
NC: (messed clothes) No, I just got high.
(Title card of “The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog” with an F is displayed)
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so YOU don’t have to!