And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Amazing Spiderman."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
My spoiler sense is going crazy!
There's this kid named Peter Parker.
Who looks very different from the last time I saw him.
I thought he was played by that boy who looked like Darlene from "Roseanne."
And he has a major problem!
He was bitten by a radioactive spider!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider once!
It turned me into a cat.
And he gets crazy radioactive spider powers!
But that's the least of his problems.
That's right. Getting radioactive spider powers is the least of his problems!
Though, granted, he is in high school.
You see, it turns out when he was a little boy, his parents just up and disappeared.
And his parents are like, "We have to leave you."
But it's okay because he barely knows a one-armed scientist who knew his father.
"Do you really want to know what happened to your parents?"
"Are you kidding? I'd give my right arm for-- (Gets glared at) Ooh."
So the scientist says he'll help him find out about his parents, as long as he helps him with his research.
"Doctor, I found the formula that can give you your arm back!"
"The only downside is it may turn you into a lizard."
(Puts needle in arm) "What?"
So the scientist turns into a giant lizard.
But it's okay. Peter Parker is still a giant spider!
And as we all know, spiders can beat...a lizard any day.
This doesn't bode well for him.
So Peter Parker is like, "Ha ha, Mr. Lizard, you'll never figure out who I am! Now, say cheese!" (Mimes using camera and having it swiped)
"Property of Peter Parker."
"You know, for a smart guy, I'm really stupid."
So Spiderman goes to his girlfriend Gwen Stacy to help him out.
And she's like, (On phone) "Right! I'm gonna make an antidote right now!"
"But, wait, you're my girlfriend."
"Well, in Spiderman movies, aren't girlfriends supposed to hang off of buildings and be rescued?"
"What do you think this is, the 1940s?!"
"Well, Sam Raimi thought so."
"Goodbye!" (Hangs up)
"He also thought dancing in a bar was gonna work."
So Gwen Stacy goes to make the antidote.
But then the lizard man pops in!
"Ha ha, I got ya now, Gwen Stacy!"
"Fire!" (Mimes spraying him)
"Ah! What the hell?! You're not like the other Spiderman girlfriends! Ah, hell with it! I'm taking this bomb and leaving, bitch!"
So Spiderman tries to stop this bomb that's gonna turn everybody into lizards!
And Spiderman is like, "Dude, why are you trying to turn everybody into a lizard?"
"Because I've gone crazy with power and/or I have a split personality. It's not really looked into that much."
"It's probably the split personality. The Spiderman movies have a fetish for that."
"I know, kinda weird. (Gets punched) Ow."
So the lizard man is stopped, but unfortunately Gwen Stacy's father is killed.
And he tells Peter to always keep his daughter out of it.
So Peter is like, "I have to break up with you, and I cannot tell you why."
"My father told you to do it, didn't he?"
"Dude, what is up with you?! You're like smart and contributing! The Spiderman movies so aren't used to this!"
"Whatever. Are we going out or not?"
(Points) "Look, a sequel!"
(Looks) "Where?!" (Runs off)
So "The Amazing Spiderman" was...amazing!
So, seriously, if you really wanted to see an actual fight between a lizard and a spider, just come on down to my box!
The winner doesn't have to be my dinner.
And in this game, there's only losers.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least tell me who that shadowy guy was at the end of the movie! It was Keyser Soze, right?