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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Amazing Spider-Man 2."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(singing) Spoiler Man, Spoiler Man, will we ever let this song go?

There's this guy called Peter Parker.

Only most people know him as Spider-Man!

The one who doesn't cry.

A lot.

And he has an on again/off again relationship with Gwen Stacy.

And she's like, "To honor my father's dying request, I will totally stay away from your hot muscles, your incredibly good looks, and the fact that you're a superhero."

"And I will totally stay away from you despite the fact that you're a genius, hot as hell, and we both have raging teenage hormones."

(starts stripping) "We're already half-naked just talking to each other, aren't we?"

(shirtless) "Yes."

But Spider-Man runs into not-blind Ray Charles.

And he's like, "I'm the stereotypical geek who's obsessed with you being a superhero!"

"Oh, like most comic book fans!"

"I look forward into turning my obsession into absolute hate for you!"

"Oh, like most comic book fans!"

And through "You don't give a shit" science, he becomes Electro!

And what's his diabolical plan?

"I just wanna feel needed."

"Really? Your motivation is as blunt and obvious as a Care Bears special?"

"It needs to be. We need to make room for a million more plot devices like Harry Osborn."

So there's this kid named Harry Osborn.

And his father is a wasted Chris Cooper cameo.

And he discovers that he's also dying from wasted Chris Cooper cameo...itus.

Symptons include being one of too many characters, having most of what makes you interesting be sidelined, and appearing in a silly costume for the last few moments of the movie.

These symptons can kill a movie if not checked by your doctor or screenwriter.

Oh, also the Rhino is in the movie.

(walks by waving with Russian-esque accent) "I'm in the movie!"

And that's all he does.

So Spider-Man is on the verge of figuring out what actually happened to his dead parents.

And the result is totally shocking!

Blah blah blah, a great discovery. Blah blah blah, bad guys wanna use it as weapon. Blah blah blah, they get killed.

Well, I have never seen an action movie or comic book have quite a big twist like that! Except for all of them!

So Harry Osborn is dying from his disease and needs Spider-Man's blood in order to cure him.

But Spider-Man is like, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it'll kill you."

"I'm gonna die anyway!"

"Then... For reasons."

"What reasons? You're not explaining whatever reasons there would be."

(simultaneously) "Reasons, j-just very big big reasons!"

"You know, my life is on the line. I think you could at least tell me what is the problem--"

(simultaneously) "Reasons!" (waltzes away dramatically)

(exasperated) "Okay, reasons."

(offscreen) "Reasons!"

"Oh, shut up!"

So Harry Osborn teams up with not-blind Ray Charles.

And Harry is like, "Do you know who I am?"

"Aren't you Emo Peter from 'Spider-Man 3'?"

"Yes! They figured I destroyed Spider-Man once, why not have me do it again?"

"Given our motivations, I think we are the most pathetic Spider-Man villains the movies have ever had."

"Including the Rhino too!"

(walks by waving with Russian-esque accent) "I'm in the movie!"

So after Gwen Stacy makes a great big speech about what a beautiful future is ahead, and she gets accepted to Oxford revealing what a beautiful future lies ahead, and her and Spider-Man agree to live together showing what a beautiful future lies ahead, surprisingly, really quite out of the blue, a beautiful future does not lie ahead.

Unless a beautiful future means the back of your head being used like a basketball.

Which I don't think bodes well for getting into Oxford.

So Spider-Man is really sad that his girlfriend is dead.

But even more upset that this is like graveyard scene #5 in these movies.

Geez, why doesn't he check out how much rent is there? It's practically his second home.

And everybody is wondering, "Will Spider-Man ever come back?"

Well, through the magic of "Castaway" editing, yes!

They just say 5 months goes by, he's suddenly feeling better, and he's back to kicking ass and telling jokes almost like the whole Gwen Stacy thing never happened.

But at least he's spending that time talking to Harry and trying to figure out how his best friend became a killer--

What? No time for that? Okay, well at least he's spending that time trying to find Uncle Ben's killer from the last film--

What? No time for that either? Well, they built both of those up quite a bit! What the hell could be more important?

Oh yeah! Fighting the Rhino!

(walks by waving with Russian-esque accent) "I'm in the movie!"

Yes you are.

The End!

So "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" was a lot of fun despite the fact that it throws everything at you but the kitchen sink!

In fact, the more I think about it, why isn't there a Kitchen Sink Man?!

I'd gladly take on the role as Kitchen Sink Man!

I look like something that would clog up your faucet and stop everything.

Like all these plot threads did!

(walks by waving with Russian-esque accent) "I'm in the movie!"

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll use it to send the Rhino to wine country with the Sandman! And somehow the Rhino will be snubbed for an Oscar.


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