The Angry Birds Movie
June 12, 2018
(After the Channel Awesome logo is shown, we see Tamara playing a godlike woman called Muse who is standing in front of the blue sky with clouds. The caption of her name is shown as a whispering voice says it. We see Malcolm playing an animator in the year 1995, looking at his offscreen boss)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, you need to have a CG animated movie about toys written by next week!
(The boss growls and leaves, leaving Malcolm wondering)
Malcolm: Oh, man. How am I gonna make a movie about talking toys any good?
(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Malcolm and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Malcolm smile in inspiration)
Malcolm: I got it!
(He types eagerly on his computer. We are then shown the box office results of Toy Story, which is $373.5 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Jim Jarosz playing an animator in the year 2014, listening to his offscreen boss)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want a cinematic Lego commercial written by tomorrow morning!
(The boss mutters and leaves)
Jim: How am I gonna make a giant ad for building blocks good?
(The Muse is shown again; she walks over to Jim and puts a glow on his head before leaving. Something makes Jim smile in inspiration)
Jim: I got it.
(He types eagerly on his laptop. We are then shown the box office results of The Lego Movie, which is $469.1 million USD, as an audience is heard applauding. Then we see Doug Walker playing an animator in 2016, who is playing something on his phone while his offscreen boss is yelling)
Angry boss: Blah-blah-blah, I want an Angry Birds movie written by the end of the day! Slam!
(The boss leaves. The Muse is shown again; she approaches Doug and is about to touch his head. However, without noticing her, Doug takes out a gun and shoots Muse dead. While continuing to play on his phone, he looks at the camera)
Doug: It's Angry Birds.
(The 2018 NC opening plays out, before showing NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Who says there can't be good video game movies? (Brings out an Angry Bird plush) Goddamn Angry Birds does!
(The title of The Angry Birds Movie is shown, before showing its clips)
NC (vo): Based on the hit game from 2009, Angry Birds was a phenomenon that practically took over the world. (An image of Angry Birds merchandise is shown, as well as various video games) Everybody loved its simple premise, easy gameplay, and quirky style. So, of course, Sony leaped at the opportunity to make a film at the height of its popularity nine years later. Yeah. Nine years! What took them so long? Were they actually waiting for this to get nostalgic to cash in on it? Or, hey, maybe they just really wanted to get it right before unleashing their cinematic opus. Well, judging by what we got, Angry Birds probably spent as much time on its story as...
NC: ...well, Angry Birds. (Brief footage of the video game is shown)
NC (vo): It's remarkably lazy in so many ways, but apparently was still a big hit, even warranting a friggin' sequel. Why? Because to quote Friedrich Nietzsche, "God is dead, and you killed him...with Angry Birds."
NC: We never knew what he meant by that last part, but now we do.
NC (vo): Despite it making a ton of cash, there are so many critics and audience members that just hated this movie. Ever since it was announced, I had people asking me to review it, and ever since it came out, I had even more people asking me to review it. Sadly, it's both popular enough and bad enough to warrant attention.
NC: Let's take a look at what these birdbrains came up with. This is Angry Birds: The Movie.
(The movie starts with the main character, Red, running through the bird village while holding an egg)
NC (vo): So we start off this barrel of fresh ideas with the incredibly original opening of somebody running late. Well, if this fresh, new idea worked in (Posters and images of what he describes are all shown) Back to the Future, Green Lantern, Lilo & Stitch, Girl Who Leapt Through Time, Big Fat Liar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Alice in Wonderland, Tommy Boy, Cat Returns, Spider-Man 2, Brazil, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Gremlins, Mulan, and an anime trope so well known, there's countless images of people running late with toast in their mouths (one of the animes shown is Sailor Moon)...
NC: Why not one more?
NC (vo): This is Red, played by Jason Sudeikis, who's on his way to be a clown at a birthday party, but like I said, he arrives late. Or does he?
(Red arrives to the house of a bird named Edward to the hatchday party of the latter's son)
Red: I'm not late. Look at the time. See? The order said, "Before noon".
(Edward glances at his clock, which immediately strikes noon, with a cuckoo bird flying out)
Edward: Okay. Now you're late. You missed the party.
NC: So, wait. They said "Arrive before noon", it's noon, and the party's over? (Beat) Let me look at the script. (takes out a binder and looks in it to see a big caption "AW WHO CARES?!?" written by black marker all over the paper) Oh, wait, I'm sorry. These are the studio notes.
Red: I tried to keep my body between the ground and the box, but... No, I think I got a little bruise. (turns to show his behind to Edward's son, disgusting him) You see anything back there?
NC: Hmm. Don't know which one of these to go with. (Two captions appear to NC's sides: "Stranger Danger" and "A FAMILY picture") Why not both?
(The scene is replayed as both the captions appear, with "Stranger Danger" flashing and the siren blaring, and with NC saying "A FAMILY picture!" in a goofy voice)
NC (vo): Red finally loses his temper and smashes the cake into the parent's face.
(Fed up with Edward's asshole behavior, Red angrily throws the cake into his face)
Red: "Gluten-free cake". What the heck is gluten? I mean, does gluten even exist?
NC: (chuckles) Yeah... (abruply gets confused) What?
(Red turns back to leave, but slips on a squirrel and lands face first right into Edward and Eva's egg, cracking it open)
NC (vo): But he slips on a squirrel, destroying the egg behind him.
Red: (from inside the egg) Congratulations! (Eva gasps) It's a boy!
(We're shown Red going through his daily routine on Bird Island: standing in line, kicking out a bird that played football outside of his house, etc. But, in-beween that, we see Red's difficult childhood, when he was being mocked by his classmates, and his birth: he cracks his egg open by himself)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Red has some anger issues, as it confusingly cuts back and forth between him being a child and him being an adult, with literally no segue or reason. I didn't even notice it the first time.
NC: I know that doesn't sound like much, but it's not like it's showing him growing up, establishing who he is. It just kind of...randomly cuts to him as a kid.
NC (vo): We just cut to him as an adult, then a kid, then an adult, then him being...born.
NC: ...What the hell is the flow of consciousness here?!
NC (vo): In fact, the whole intro seems out of sequence. It says the title, then it says "the studios present", then it cuts to random points in his life in no particular order, like I said, ending with him being born. And then it cuts back to him with the family he visited! Absolutely none of it ties together. It's literally random scenes in random order. It makes no sense.
NC: And that was my review of Angry Birds. Oh, I'm sorry. Did my sloppy half-ass editing confuse you? Well, if someone can make 352 million dollars off of it, I might as well exploit it while skipping the tough parts, too!
(Edward and Eva accuse Red of their child's premature hatching happening because of him)
NC (vo): The parents take Red to trial because he was the first thing their child saw being hatched.
NC: Oh, by the way, you want to hear the weak-ass reason why they use slingshots in this movie instead of just flying?
Judge Peckinpah (Keegan Michael-Key): (to Red) Why don't birds fly? I'm gonna tell you why. Where else would we ever want to go? (laughs hysterically along with everyone in the court)
Red: Wow. Not a good joke.
NC: (hand on cheek) One of the many lines I don't think was in the script and was just the actors talking without knowing the microphone was on.
(Peckinpah faces Red menacingly, revealing himself to be pretty tall, but Red snatches Peckinpah's coat to discover he was standing on another bird)
NC (vo): This terrifying star of your nightmares tonight is a judge that sentences Red to anger management, but Red reveals the judge is just two birds to make him seem taller.
NC: What does this have to do with anything going, on even with the judge ignoring that reveal?
Judge Peckinpah: (getting up from the ground) Mr. Red, given the severity of the crimes...
NC: Look! The mime talked!
Mime Bird: Oh, my gosh...
(The mime's first appearance in the movie, Red punching him in the stomach in the beginning, is shown briefly)
NC (vo): We set him up for about two seconds, so this punchline really pays off.
NC: Hey, compared to the time they put in for the other jokes, two seconds is long!
Judge Peckinpah: (smiling deviously) Anger management class.
Red: (dissappointed) Aw. Pluck my life.
NC: (chuckles) He means the F-word, kids.
(Returning from the court, Red walks past the hug trader bird reaching his wings out, whose only goal is to be hugged)
(The hug trader sulks. NC just stares at his, poker-faced)
NC: Oh, I just left that pause, because I know you're laughing so hard at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug. What? You're not laughing at that? Well, you should. It's repeated...
(All the instances of the hug trader reaching his wings out for a hug in the movie are shown)
NC (vo): ...all throughout the movie. I don't even think I really understood it the first time, but the movie is telling me it's funny over and over, so I should leave the appropriate amount of space for laughter!
NC: Is it too late to get that creepy girl from Hereditary in this?
(The clip from the film Hereditary is shown, showing the girl named Charlie beheading a bird, again, with Red's face Photoshopped. Back in the movie, Red walks up to the anger management class. In front of it, there is a wooden bird that is holding a moving sign that says "Be Happy", "Smile" and "Welcome Angry Birds" and makes sounds that annoy Red)
NC (vo): Eh, it's been a while since something unfunny happened...actually, no, it hasn't, but here's another one anyway.
(Irritated, Red jumps at the sign and fights it)
NC (vo; chuckling sarcastically): He's attacking a sign he doesn't like!
NC: I guess this could be humorous if anybody acted like they cared about anything.
NC (vo): That's probably the biggest problem I get throughout this entire film. Look at this slapstick. There's energy, but no creativity to it. Look at these expressions. They're big, but nothing clever is being done with them.
(After Red enters the house belonging to a white bird Matilda, he meets his classmates: a yellow bird Chuck and a black bird Bomb. Chuck demonstrates every dancer pose he learned by the moment in high speed)
Chuck: Parrot! Peacock! Warrior! Mountain! Tree! Rabbit! Fish! Locust! King pigeon!
NC (vo): Even the performances, particularly from our lead, all sound like they just took the first take and never asked for another. It sounds unbelievably like autopilot.
Red: (observing the sculptures at Matilda's, starting with two birds hugging) Okay, I guess that's art. (goes to the second one: four birds hugging) That's garbage. (looks at the third one: a huge pile of hugging birds) And that's...exotic.
NC: Everybody feels like they're just doing the bare minimum. Sometimes, not even that.
NC (vo): Maya Rudolph plays the same smiling weirdo she always does, Josh Gad plays the same hyper-dummy he always does, and I don't really remember what character Danny McBride usually has, which is fitting because I don't really remember what character he's supposed to have here, either.
NC: I guess he just blows.
(Not turning his head, he reaches his hand for a high-five...and Deadpool (Jim) rises out to slap NC's hand, then goes down. NC gets puzzled)
NC: What are you doing down there?
Deadpool: (off-screen) Exactly what you think I'm doing down here. (NC wonders about what Deadpool just said)
NC (vo): Believe it or not, there is an actual funny moment when they reveal why everybody is there at anger management. And one of them is so bad, they can't even say it out loud.
(Announcing the problems each one of her students have, Matilda passes over to a huge red bird named Terence and looks at him in horror. As the camera zooms in to Terence, a police siren and sounds of crashing are heard)
Matilda: (nervously) Terence, uh...seems to have had an... (closes Terence's file and puts it away) incident.
NC: We never find out what he did. It's left entirely to the imagination!
NC (vo): And what makes this even funnier? Sean Penn plays this part. And what makes this even funnier is he never says a word! He just groans!
(Terence growls at Red)
NC: (pleasantly amazed) How the hell did we get a joke that works on three different levels in a movie where the jokes don't even work on one level?!
NC (vo): Was there just a day where really good writers were brought in for, like, two seconds?
(Cut to a skit where three writers (Rob, Tamara and Jim) are typing on a laptop together, each in a exaggerated way. A studio executive (Malcolm) watches this with great relish)
Malcolm: Okay, you're the finest writers in Hollywood. We need some really good jokes for our movie.
Tamara: Oh, we already wrote one while you were talking.
Malcolm: Oh, I guess that's why you're the best in town.
Tamara: Oh, what is this movie called, by the way?
Malcolm: Angry Bir- You're already gone, aren't you?
(Sure enough, all three writers have vanished)
Malcolm: Yeah. Well, at least we got one joke out of it. Mmm, back to our usual writer.
(The writer from before that shot the Muse (Doug) comes to a laptop and...pees on it)
Malcolm: ...It's a pleasure watching you work.
Doug: Gonna need some Mexican food to do the sequel.
(Malcolm mouths "okay", thumbs up and continues watching gleefully. Back to the movie)
Matilda: Tell us your story, Bomb.
Bomb: Well, sometimes, when I get upset, I literally blow up, okay? I explode like a bomb.
NC (vo): Yeah, remember that level in Angry Birds where they just sat around and did therapy?
NC: They were trying new ideas, like what Mario did. (Beat) In fact, that might actually be a Mario game. (A fake box art for Super Nintendo game Mario Therapy is shown)
Chuck: (excitedly) Do it!
Bomb: No can do. I just went boom-boom before class.
NC: (smiling widely) POOP!
(As it comes to an evening, Red goes back to his house, and Chuck and Bomb follow him)
NC (vo): The other birds want to hang out with Red, but he gives them the cold shoulder.
Bomb: (getting sad) I'm busy, too.
Red: You're not good at this, buddy. It's-it's charming up to a point, and now it's just sad.
NC: Again, I'm pretty sure he was just talking about the script.
(Once again, Red walks past the hug trader bird and rejects his offers)
NC (vo): Let's do that incredible hug joke again!
Red: Nuh-uh. No means no. (The hug trader sulks again)
NC: You know, there's running jokes, and then there's "Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be there for the marathon! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna train so hard! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna show my support! Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be there... Eh, I'll just donate to the cause"... jokes.
(In his house, Red looks at the poster of his childhood hero, the Mighty Eagle, and we flash back to his childhood, the moment when his class visits the Eagle's statue)
NC (vo): Give them credit, at least this random cut to his childhood includes bad exposition.
Little Red: When's Mighty Eagle gonna come back?
Girl Bird 1: Didn't your parents ever tell you Mighty Eagle isn't real?
Girl Bird 2: Shh. He doesn't have parents.
NC: (as the girl bird) They were killed in the great Disney genocide of dramatic convenience.
(A ship docks at the island's shore, and its rock anchor destroys part of Red's house, to the latter's horror)
NC (vo): But trouble is on the literal horizon, as a ship full of pigs arrives, destroying Red's house. Well, more...damages the side of it, because destroying the whole thing would be funnier, and Lord knows we can't have that in the movie!
(A plump green pig named Leonard comes out of the ship, along with his assistant pig, Ross, who gets caught in the escalator)
Leonard (Bill Hader): Greetings! We saw your island across the sea and we thought..."I wonder what they're up to?" (eats the lollipop he was holding)
NC: These things look like...
NC (vo): ...the Minions banged whatever animal died to give us green eggs and ham.
NC: Except we had the luxury of that meat being dead.
Stella (Kate McKinnon): There's no other place besides here.
Leonard: We call it...Piggy Island!
(The birds gasp in awe)
Mime Bird: Oh, my gosh...
NC: (covering his forehead with both hands in total exhaustion) You know, this movie would be half the length if they didn't keep repeating the same goddamn jokes.
(Ross runs to the crowd of birds to hug Stella, but turns back after facing the hug trader bird)
NC (vo): What, did you run out of the bad hugging jokes? Uh, no, you still slipped in that gem again.
NC: (waves off, chuckling) Oh, that relatable "nobody wants to hug me" humor! In the industry, we call that "the Iggy Pop".
(Leonard, Ross, and multiple other small pigs are happily greeted on the island, and the birds throw a party in their honor. Red, however, gets suspicious of them)
NC (vo): The birds welcome the pigs, but Red doesn't trust them because they destroyed his house. At least, that's how it's...supposed to come across, but honestly, it sounds more like he has some deep-seated racism with other cultures.
Red: They don't have feathers?
Leonard: Our king sends his warmest regards.
Leonard: How do the friendship between the pigs and the birds start?
Red: Who cares?!
(Huge flames erupt out of the stage after Leonard says the pigs will light up the night, and all but Red are amazed)
Red: (to Chuck) Hey, look. They destroyed more of the stuff we worked hard to build. (in a later scene) Hey, if you got the night off, why don't you fix my house?
NC: (as Red, arms akimbo) Well, their religion better not be different from ours! Everyone knows there's just one (picture of...) Gatchaman.
(The pigs demonstrate the gifts for the birds)
Leonard: Your friends, the pigs, proudly give you... (A giant slingshot is unveiled) "The Slingshot"!
NC (vo; as Leonard): We present to you a flimsy pretext to make a game not meant to be a movie seemed like it was meant to be a movie!
NC: Don't worry. By the end, you'll all see this as a weapon of mass destruction.
(Red, Chuck and Bomb sneak onto the pigs' ship and discover there are more of them inside)
NC (vo): So Red sneaks into the pigs' boat and finds...
NC: ...Little Green Men from Toy Story?
(The "Oooooh!" sound the Little Green Men from Toy Story franchise make is heard as the minion pigs laugh. Cut to an earlier scene, when Chuck glances at the book named "Fifty Shades of Green" and grimaces in disgust)
NC (vo): By the way, why do I get the feeling this book on the pigs' boat is just a variation of this? (A photo of a bound pig is shown)
(The three return to the party)
Red: I snuck onto their boat.
NC (vo): He (Red) confronts the pigs about their being even more of them, as well as the strange devices he doesn't recognize.
Red: Any questions?
(Red throws the plunger he found into a pig's chest. Another pig takes out another plunger and puts it into his fellow pig's chest, and the latter poses playfully. In the background, Chuck and Bomb seem to be actually enjoying this)
NC: (aghast, shakes head) Nobody needs that in their lives! (quietly, in horror) Nobody needs that in their lives...
Leonard: My cousins are simple folk. (comes up to a small pig) Watch. A, B, C... (After a pause, a pig doesn't say anything and just sticks his tongue out) Nothing. See? Nothing.
NC: (giving up) Well. That was amazing. That was actually goddamn amazing. You could literally put anything there, and it would have gotten the laugh, but you decided to go with nothing, so you get nothing.
NC (vo): Literally any joke could have worked here. Watch!
Leonard: A, B, C...
NC: (as a pig) Four!
Leonard: A, B, C...
NC: (as a pig) Cabbage.
Leonard: A, B, C...
Announcer: JOHN CENA!!! (All of a sudden, the famous snippet of the introduction of a WWE wrestler is shown)
NC: Okay, maybe not any joke.
(We're shown that the next morning, the pigs have successfully adjusted to the birds' society)
NC (vo): The leader says his cousins weren't smart, so he wanted to be sure it was a safe place before he revealed them. The birds believe him, and everybody celebrates with not the worst pig jokes ever written, but... What the hell am I comparing it to? Yeah, these are the worst pig jokes ever written.
Leonard: (at the party) That was Pig Latin.
Red: (seeing a pig helping an elderly bird cross the road, carrying her on his shoulders) Piggyback rides?
Pig: (posing with other two pigs and Stella for a selfie) Instaham!
NC: Somebody needs to be punished, and with sharp things.
(Leonard sees somebody's nest with an egg)
NC (vo): Speaking of pig puns, I think I can come up with a few more after this disturbingly confusing subtext.
Stella: That's how our children are born. You guys don't lay eggs?
Leonard: I...wish we did.
(We are shown Leonard's imagine spot with him having a romantic picnic with an egg, as the song "They Long to Be (Close to You)" by The Carpenters plays in the background)
Leonard: (to an egg) Enchante. (throws a bottle of wine away)
NC: Yyyyeahhh... How about...
NC (vo): ..."Pigofile"? "Piggerast"? "Pederham"? "Bacongenerate"? "Hog Deviant"? "Stein Offender"?
NC: I could think of more, but I don't want to think of this in general!
NC (vo): The pigs are actually intending to eat them...
(NC stares in disapproval. A clip from The Great Muppet Caper is shown)
Fozzie Bear: Shame on you!
NC (vo): But nobody seems to catch on to that, except for Red, who everybody continues to mock.
Judge Peckinpah: Continue the tour!
Stella: (leaves with Peckinpah and the pigs) So, get ready to hang loose.
Leonard: (to Red) That went well...if you're me. (oinks)
Red: (scoffs) Dummy.
NC: Whoa. I-I-I mean, wow! I-I ju... I-I couldn't write a line like that! I mean, that's ingenious! I can't... How long did it take them to put that together?! Good Lord, that... That's, like, the greatest insult since...
(Cut to a clip from The Spirit)
Silken Floss: What other box, you fart?!
NC: Ghost of Don Rickles, I think we found your replacement!
(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we're shown Red showing Chuck and Bomb the statue of the Mighty Eagle)
NC (vo): So Red gets the idea to find Mighty Eagle so he can stop the pigs' evil plan. Rrrright before a confusing out-of-nowhere fantasy the other birds have about him.
(The camera zooms in on Chuck, while an echoing voice screams "Mighty Eagle!". In his fantasy sequence, Chuck sees the Eagle doing a dance party on top of a cheering crowd of birds, dressed as a cowboy and focusing on his shaking butt before the camera goes up to his muscular torso and face)
NC: (weirded out about the fantasy) Okay, um, Josh Gad. I never thought I'd say this, but... (pictures of Chuck, Olaf from Frozen, LeFou from Beauty and the Beast (2017) and Louis from Ice Age: Continental Drift are shown) you're really getting typecast as kids films characters who need to come out of the closet.
NC (vo): While climbing mountains, imagining what the Eagle's battlecry is like, they thankfully cast aside the obnoxious annoying writing and dive directly into obnoxious annoying sounds.
Chuck: What would a Mighty Eagle battlecry sound like?
(We are then treated with several scenes of Chuck and Bomb doing annoying screams of what they think the Eagle's battlecry sounds like while they walk over plains, drive down a stream, jump between hills and take shelter from an avalanche)
NC: (waves his hand) Why torture your intellect, when mere ear bleeding is more than enough?
(Scenes of Chuck and Bomb doing annoying screams continue while they are climbing a mountain)
NC: You paid to see this, folks. Could have used that money to buy a collection of...
NC (vo): ...Barn Animals Bonking Themselves To Death, but instead you went for this.
NC: To their credit, both of these sound very similar, but there is some joy (Points at the fake DVD cover) to this.
(Red, Chuck and Bomb reach the Mighty Eagle's cave and discover a pool of sparkling water around it. Despite Red's warnings that the Eagle might get angry, Chuck and Bomb swim in the water anyway and even swallow it)
NC (vo): They get to where the Eagle lives, and they decide to swim in his pool. And again, we partake in a fascinatingly botched joke. Two of them take a long time swimming in the pool in slow-mo, only to have the Eagle come out and take his daily piss in it.
(The camera focuses on the piss of the Eagle flowing into the sea, and it sometimes cuts to our protagonists watching in shock realizing what this means, while the Eagle's loud yawning can be heard)
NC: Okay. So, bad enough they hold...
NC (vo): ...uncomfortably long on this piss-taking...
NC: Only geniuses steal from Norm of the North. (The scene from this movie that shows the trio of lemmings peeing in a fish tank is shown)
NC (vo): But if this joke was gonna work, and that's a big goddamn if, they should have shown them in the pool while he was pissing and Red tries to warn them about what's going on. Then the slow-mo would make sense. We would want it to go slower to soak up, so to speak, the humor of the situation. Here, it's just slow-mo for no reason, dragging out what isn't set up properly yet. Again, every joke seems weirdly backwards. I keep expecting to see one of them (The still of the flower shop scene from The Room is shown) in a flower shop, saying, (imitates Johnny) "That's me!"
NC: But that couldn't happen because that film actually made me laugh!
NC (vo): The Eagle, voiced by Peter Dinklage, spots the birds and chats with them.
Eagle: (comes out of the cave again) You have passed the first test!
NC: (as the Eagle) You have drank my piss! (After a pause, he smirks) It's a weird test.
(Inside the Eagle's cave, the three see all of his awards and posters)
NC (vo): So they go inside his cave and find a warped mirror. (Red, Chuck and Bomb are given the shaped forms similar to ones in the original game) He-hey, they look like the game! That'd be funny if they didn't already do that.
(An earlier scene of the woodpecker cutting a court protocol on wood in the traditional game style, with the angry Red screaming at the family, is shown briefly)
NC (vo): Throw that in the pile of other shitty repeated jokes!
NC: But if repetition to the point of self-decapitation is your game, don't worry. They give themselves a dance party. (Beat) The fourth one...
(The Eagle is shown dancing to disco music, and the trio of birds see he has turned into a lazy slob. We then cut to some previous scenes where the characters are shown dancing)
NC (vo): ...in this movie so far! Yeah, you know how most animated films nowadays end with a dance party to sell a soundtrack? They made a whole goddamn movie about it!
NC: Okay, okay. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. Just because you have four dance party sequences in your movie doesn't necessarily mean it's lame or manipulative. (Pause) Five, on the other hand...
(Realizing that the pigs are stealing the eggs while the birds rock out at the rave party, Red, Chuck and Bomb run out of the cave and attempt to warn the other birds and stop the pigs, but they arrive too late as the pigs escape with the eggs and their explosives destroy the village)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah. Right after they find out the Eagle's too lazy to help them, they go back to interrupt another dance party going on! The fifth freakin' one!
NC: I don't think (poster of...) Dirty Dancing had this much dancing in it! And I ironically feel less dirty watching it!
(The next morning, all the other birds, feeling guilty, ask Red what they would do now)
NC (vo): So the pigs take all the eggs while distracting them with their fifth dance party and sail back to their island. So Red, through shitty writing and unfunny jokes...really, why break the norm here? ...tries to inspire everybody to go after him.
Red: They stole our kids. I mean, who does that? Have you ever stolen anyone's children? Have you? (points at Edward and Eva, then at the hug trader bird reaching his wings out as usual) I mean, you look like you would.
NC (vo): You know, this running gag's already not funny. Don't make me think about seeing him on To Catch a Predator. (A poster for this NBC show with Chris Hansen is shown with the hug trader on it)
(We're shown the Piggy Island, where Leonard reigns)
NC (vo): So they build a ship to chase after the pigs, who are back on their island celebrating.
Leonard: Snouts up!
(Leonard walks up to his castle's balcony by stepping on the snouts his stair forming subordinates)
Comby-dressed pig: Man, it's a snout staircase! Who thinks of that? (Gives a high-five to a near pig)
(NC looks deadpan at the scene before shaking his head in disbelief)
NC: Nobody. Because it's not clever or funny or worth mentioning. Did anyone turn in a second draft?!
NC: (vo) The birds get on the island and try to figure out a way to attack. And you can guess where this is going.
(A still of an atomic blast is shown)
NC: (delighted by the thought) Oh, Jesus, that would be awesome.
NC (vo): No, they start to launch themselves like in the game.
(Matilda flies over the city and drops an explosive egg over some pigs)
(The pigs blow up, while Matilda flies into one of their buildings causing its upper part to fall)
NC (vo): Funny. They took a long time to establish the bomb bird's ability to blow up and even create a character arc for him, but the first time we find out about this bird's weird power is....
Red: Well, how about that? My teacher can shoot fireballs out of her butt.
(NC looks at the camera in frustration before resting his head on his hand and going into a thinking pose)
NC: How'd that song go from the Rankin/Bass version of Return of the King?
(A still from the original soundtrack CD of Rankin/Bass The Return of the King is shown, the first line from "It's so easy not to try" performed by Glenn Yarbrough is played)
NC: How did that not make it onto the soundtrack?
(Judge Peckinpah's assistant (the bird he was standing on in the beginning) is launched next, and he lands on a paper-mache bridge that connects two buildings and bounces back like the bridge is a accordion. The assistant bumps into a billboard for an underwear brand "Calvin Swine" and slides down like the pig on the billboard has a snot. NC facepalms at this)
NC: Well, I guess it's a little less obvious than Hog Topic. (An image of Miss Piggy from The Muppets in a goth costume standing near a sign "Hog Topic" is shown) Let's just agree that everybody's in pain somehow.
(It's the mime bird's turn to be launched, and he frantically tries to say no using his gestures)
NC (vo): Gee, I wonder if the mime's gonna say, "Oh, my God".
Mime Bird: (is thrown) Oh, my gooooood!...
NC: It's like they say. If at first you don't succeed- THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!
(Red is thrown into Leonard's castle, and Chuck and Bomb join him shortly after)
NC (vo): Red, Chuck and Bomb make it into the castle, where they come across...
(Looking for a dining room, Red opens a door to see....a Shining-esque hallway with two pigs taking the roles of creepy twins)
Twin Pigs: Redrum.
Red: Uh... Never mind. (slams the door)
NC: People, that happened. We let it happen. We must never let it happen again. Join me in thinking of ways of preventing that from happening in the future. (As he thinks, a thought bubble appears with the words "More Reading, Less Booze")
(The trio finds the dining room that is guarded by several pigs, so Chuck uses his superspeed ability to make the pigs hurt themselves. After they get in, they try to catch the net with eggs the pigs are intending to eat, and the Mighty Eagle soon appears. A fast action scene ensues as the pigs and the birds fight)
NC (vo): Chuck rips off the Quicksilver scene from X-Men that X-Men would later rip off themselves as they get closer to the eggs. Everyone fights in a climax that is so desperate and so banking on your kids' low attention span, that it's actually hard to find a shot that is over two seconds long. I shit you not, watch these scenes uncut and see if any of them hold on a shot for more than two seconds.
(A timer appears and counts down seconds, as we're shown one part of the battle scene: Red flying away on the Mighty Eagle who's carrying a net with eggs. True enough, the timer never reaches two seconds after each shot of the scene ends)
Leonard: My eggs!
Red: (to the Eagle, holding on to a net) Don't forget Chuck and Bomb!
Red: Those guys!
(Chuck and Bomb catch up with the Eagle and climb on him)
Eagle: Right, right.
(Another part of the super fast fight scene is shown: Bomb standing in the middle of a slide)
(Several planes with pigs on board get closer to Bomb, as he gets twitchy)
Bomb: Think explosive thoughts... PIGS IN AIRPLANES! (He finally blows a fuse...literally...and creates a big blast that destroys most of the kingdom, flying out of the smoke)
NC: The whole climax is like this, folks. Freaking scary!
NC (vo): Christ... Fast editing is fine, but you need a variety to care.
(The battle of the Hornburg scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is shown)
NC (vo): Look at Two Towers. It had fast editing, but it also knew to give sweeping shots and moments focusing on characters taking in what's going on. Because they like you, audience, and they want to give you something good.
(Back to The Angry Birds Movie)
NC (vo): This clearly just wants to wave its keys at the low attention span it thinks you have and wants to encourage you to keep.
NC: I think this film's actually worse than binge drinking, because you lose more brain cells and vomit at a greater level!
NC (vo): So the Eagle comes in to save the eggs, leaving it to Red and King Pig to fight.
(Red finds himself in a dark basement filled with dynamite sticks and TNT boxes)
Red: This is dynamite.
(NC just stares blankly. We again cut to "It's so easy not to try" line from Rankin/Bass' The Return of the King. Red ignites every explosive in the basement, and it explodes with Leonard inside it, blowing up the kingdom. The Mighty Eagle puts the net with eggs to the ground (though the number of eggs he carries while in air was bigger), and the birds happily reunite with their offsprings)
NC (vo): But he outsmarts the pig, blowing up the kingdom, as everyone gets their seemingly smaller pile of eggs back. Jesus, how many did they lose? That pile was a lot bigger before! Angry Birds got dark! One family seems to be missing theirs, though, but Red comes in with the final one.
Red: I think these belong to you. (takes out a part of the shell and reveals three blue birds to the family, much to their joy)
NC: (as the mother) Oh, we can only afford to raise two. We'll have to eat one of them.
Eagle: (of Red) Oh, look. He's blushing!
Red: (chuckles) I'm not blushing. I'm just red.
(Everybody laughs at this)
NC: (puzzled) That was the big cheering and laughing line? I feel like you could have put pretty much anything there.
NC (vo; as Red): We're corporate shills in Hollywood's playground!
(Cut to everybody laughing)
NC (vo; as Red): I bet The Emoji Movie is looking pretty good right now!
(Cut to everybody laughing again)
Sarah Lynn (from BoJack Horseman, overdubbing Red): That's too much, man!
(Cut to everybody laughing once more. We're shown the birds rebuilding their island. Stella and her friends walk past the hug trader bird)
NC (vo): Let's see if this ever got funny.
(The hug trader sulks...and then, all the girls hug him. The hug trader giggles, and they fall on the ground)
NC: Well, it's not quite the genius of King Koopa ordering a pizza, but it still disappoints.
(Red is shown his new house that is now located in the town rather than the island shore, but says to Chuck and Bomb he wants to be alone, saddening them)
NC (vo): Red makes it look like he still doesn't want to hang out with Chuck and Bomb, but tells them he was just kidding.
Red: Guys! I'm just messing with you! Get in here!
NC: (as Red) I can't end this movie without sharing the blame with others!
(While the movie's end credits roll, we are shown birds, and even survived pigs, dancing to Demi Lovato's "I Will Survive", starting with the Mighty Eagle)
NC (vo): Sheesh, with all the dance party sequences, I'm surprised it didn't end on one... Ah, here we go!
Eagle: Watch this, coming right at you. Oh, yeah.
NC: Oh, trust me, "I Will Survive" is the perfect musical choice for this film! This was unbearable!
(The movie's clips are shown for the last time as NC states his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It...it doesn't even feel done. A lot of bad comedies just tell jokes that don't work. This just tells sentences that don't work. It's hard to remember in recent memory a film this lazily written, lazily acted and lazily directed. Nothing feels unique, nothing feels passionate, nothing feels earned. It comes across as rushed, awkward and just not caring! I mean, I know every movie takes a lot of time and effort to make, which is why it's a shame when a film is so bad, none of that comes across. I'm sure a lot of work and time did go into making this, but it never comes across in the viewing experience. It just feels like one long, incredibly unentertaining commercial. If you want to play the games, that makes sense. Hell, mostly, you're probably playing the game while watching this damn movie. But if you want to check out this obnoxious piece of bird shit on its own, I say fly away as fast as possible.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... (sighs) you know, where's a muse when you need one?
(Suddenly, the Muse appears in the sky, getting up from the ground and grunting)
Muse: I'm back from the dead...to inspire once more.
NC: Oh, good. I was just talking about The Angry Birds Movie.
(The Muse's head explodes, which shocks NC)
NC: I shouldn't have remembered it so she didn't have to.
(He gets up and leaves. The credits start rolling...until we cut back to NC at the desk again)
NC: (grinning) Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!
(And then Doug breaks character)
Doug: Okay, well... (takes the paper with his notes, chuckling softly) I sound goddamn insane!
(The rest of the credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Red: Well, how about that? My teacher can shoot fireballs out of her butt.