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The Blair Witch Hangover
Date Aired
December 24th, 2012
Running Time
27:34
Website


(we open on a stricken-sounding Tacoma talking to the camera)

Tacoma: Donnie, if you're seeing this, I just want you to know I'm sorry. We're both sorry. We didn't know. How could we? But just know, we get it now, we get it. Sort of.

(as he turns the camera off, Donnie wakes up whimpering in the forest. he notices his camera and picks it up vlog style)

Donnie: Okay. Don't panic, don't panic. (pause, more high-pitched whimpering)

(after the credits, SWAG is smugly triumphant)

SWAG leader: Donnie DuPre will no longer be a nuisance to us. After my associates picked him up at gunpoint from the airport, they dropped him off in the middle of the woods, where nobody can find him. Let's just say that the troubling nature of Demo Reel, and Donnie DuPre, will no longer be on our radars.

SWAG man (hi JewWario!): Dude, what's wrong with you?

SWAG leader: What?

SWAG woman: (yo Holly): You kidnapped a man at gunpoint and left him to die? That's f*cking messed up!

SWAG leader: H-he was threatening our operation...

SWAG man: Guy, we're Swede film-makers, we remake films badly, we're not the goddamn mafia!

SWAG woman: What are you, a psycho?

SWAG man: Dude, I don't even wanna look at you. The less I'm associated with this the better.

SWAG woman: Yeah, I'm off to be an internet reviewer, they're mentally stable.

SWAG leader: Wait! Wait! Where are you going?! Does this mean you won't be at the Christmas party?

(cut to a sleeping Tacoma)

Tacoma: Ow. Ouch. What the hell? Rebecca. You alive?

Rebecca: No.

Tacoma: Me too. I can't feel my legs. Where are you?

Rebecca: On your legs. (as she gets up and picks up a nearby whip, we see her in a t-shirt that says Malkovich = Balls) What happened?

Tacoma: All I remember is the Swede Actor's Guild, a scream, Quinn went after you- wait, where's Quinn?

Quinn: (vo) In the toilet.

Tacoma: You mean in the bathroom?

Quinn: (vo) No I mean literally in the toilet. (flush and he enters the frame)

Rebecca: Why were you in the toilet?

Quinn: Why does your t-shirt say Malkovich equals balls?

Rebecca: (to Tacoma, who looks very nice by the way) Why are you dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast?

Tacoma: What in the hell happened here?!

Quinn: (as the camera swings to some... contraption thing) Please tell me it has nothing to do with that.

(cut to the present, Rebecca and Tacoma are in front of the computer)

Tacoma: Well, I've gathered all the footage I can find of the past few days. (off Rebecca's look) Yeah, we've been out for that long.

Quinn: Typical Irish hangover. Here, have some coffee.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Tacoma: Thank you. (spits it out) Is there whiskey in this?!

Quinn: Yeah! It's Irish coffee.

Tacoma: Are you kidding me?!

Quinn: Hair of the dog. (he and Rebecca down their booze)

Tacoma: We've had enough dog, thanks. (to Rebecca) And you don't need caffeine.

Quinn: Alright, what you got Mr PI?

Tacoma: Well, everything, for starters, there's this. (the image we saw at the beginning)

Rebecca: Aww, you don't look as good without your dress.

Tacoma: Shh.

(a repeat of Tacoma's apology to Donnie)

Rebecca: What the hell does that mean?

Tacoma: I don't know, but then there's this.

(he presses play again and title card: "Dedicated to the Memory of Elissa Hoffman")

Rebecca: Who's Elissa Hoffman?

(title card: And Our Good Friend James)

Rebecca: And James! Who the hell are these people? Do you know a James?

Tacoma: No, do you?

Quinn: The only person I know by that name is Jameson, and unless you're dedicating a movie to the bottle, well, it's about time somebody did.

Rebecca: So what's after that?

Tacoma: A movie.

Rebecca: A movie?

Tacoma: That we made.

Rebecca: When did we make a movie?

Tacoma: I-I don't know. But we need context. (vo-ing over fast-forwarded scenes we'll see later) From here on out we're gonna do things by the book, we're gonna go back to the beginning and figure out how we got here, and then maybe we can figure out the biggest mystery of them all.

Rebecca: What's that?

Tacoma: It's been three days. Where's Donnie?

(cut to Carl in a parking lot, he's angrier than normal)

Carl: Quinn! Come and ze in! Ugh, God, where can he be? Headquarters! Quinn, I swear to God, if you are drinking without me, I will find you und sterilize you faster than Bob Barker at a puppy pound. (no answer) So be it, Quinn, when I come back, your balls ARE MINE!

(cut to computer room)

Quinn: According to the answering machine, Carl called three days ago.

Rebecca: What did he say?

Quinn: I dunno, reception was piss poor, something about Bob Barker's balls?

Rebecca: Germans.

Tacoma: Then we have no choice. We need to go in order and see what happened.

(repeat of last time, shot, gun-grab, scream, running after her, but it turns out fine)

Tacoma: Who are you?

Fabrizio: Fabrizio, I work here. Who are you?

Rebecca: Tacoma, it's okay! It's the tenant. (to Fabrizio) I'm Rebecca, your security guard?

Fabrizio: Oh yeah, the stunad.

Rebecca: That's right!

Tacoma: What are you doing with the butcher's knife?

Fabrizio: I was, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhh, making Marinara Sauce.

Tacoma: This late.

Fabrizio: I'm a hungry man!

Rebecca: See, we were defending ourselves against a group of angry psychos and about to get drunk to numb the pain if you’d like to join us.

Fabrizio: (pause) Yeah, sure. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that offer.

Rebecca: Okay!

(cut back to the forest)

Donnie: Okay, Director's Log, time-code... zero, more numbers are adding up I'm not gonna bother to put it to- I'll keep you updated. Anyway, I seem to be, uh, abandoned in the middle of the woods here, um, no doubt those SWAG bastards. I don't exactly know what to do, I'm not a survivalist, but uh, one thing I do know about is film. So I've been saying to myself, what would the Blair Witch Project do? And then just do the exact opposite of that because those kids were f*cking idiots.

(beep)

Donnie: Okay, so the first thing those kids from the Blair Witch Project did was they got lost for ten seconds and they panicked. So, I am not going to panic, which is easier said than done, but after having myself a good cry, actually I may think I need another one-

(beep, Donnie's crouched down by a tree crying "it's really scary")

Donnie: Okay, better. Uh, but the good news is that I'm so deep inside the forest, chances are nothing dangerous could hear me and track me down and (wolf-howl) do whatever he's going to do.

(beep)

Donnie: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, lookit here, lookit here, we got a bottle people, a bottle, you know what that means? Civilization! There's people out here! I'm gonna read it, see if I can get more information, uh, let's see, uh, Army of Northern Virginia, Confederate States of America I don't think that's a good sign.

(beep)

Donnie: I only hope Rebecca and Tacoma are doing okay without me.

(cut to Rebecca, Tacoma, Quinn and Fabrizio having fun at a drinking contest, Fabrizio passes out and leaves Rebecca the winner)

Rebecca: That is why you never play Drunken Truth Or Dare with me!

Tacoma: Damn, girl.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Quinn: I've never seen a non-Irish woman drink so much.

Rebecca: I told you I can't do caffeine, but liquor? You will be my bitch! By the way, Fabriz, this marinara sauce? Is delicious.

Fabrizio: That's because the secret is in the meat.

Tacoma: What kinda meat is it?

Fabrizio: Scarletti.

Tacoma: Is that some kind of pork?

Fabrizo: Nah, that's a stunada on 54th Street who couldn't keep his mouth shut. (the two look horrified and he laughs) I'm kidding, the secret's in the oregano.

Tacoma: Oh, okay. Meatball?

Fabrizio: God no.

(cut to computer room)

Tacoma: Well at least we know who that guy is.

Rebecca: Keep going, let's see what else happened that night.

(he clicks and we cut to Donnie at night)

Donnie: So I've spent the last four hours trying to build a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Found out it doesn't really work when everything is so wet. I only saw it work once on Pawn Stars, Chumlee tried it, it was pretty funny. He won a bet. Uh, not so funny? Trying to keep warm (he said cool, but I assume he meant warm) by the light of your cellphone.

(beep and we see him trying)

Donnie: Stupid energy saver! Come on my fingers are too numb to keep turning you back on. (hears creepy laughter) Hello? (laughter) Hello? Hey! I'm lost! Can you hear me? (more laughter) God I hope that's a female.

(after commercial break, beep to him lying down on the forest floor)

Donnie: Okay, so obviously if I'm gonna be out here for a bit, I need food, I need to eat, so I've taken some acorns and leafs and I've dug a little hole, and just set a little trap for a little woodland friend. (animal noises) Ooh, there might be one here, shh. (realizes the fourth wall) Why am I telling a camera to shh... never mind. Got him! (runs offscreen and groans in pain, beep to later)

Donnie: Okay, so the interesting thing about squirrels, apparently they're natural jumpers. And uh I don't mean like oop out of the hole, I mean like Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, shoom! Just unbelievable, but it's okay cos you know what? I tracked him, he's not gonna get away from me that easy, okay I tracked him to this tree and if I can just climb up the tree- (the squirrel leaps on his pretty face and he screams in pain, beep to later)

Donnie: You know I heard squirrels were poisonous, I'm not gonna do that.

(cut to Rebecca/Tacoma/Fabrizio still drunk and having a good time)

Rebecca: Truth or Dare?

Fabrizio: (garbles)

Tacoma: I think that means truth.

Rebecca: Okay.

Tacoma: Ooh, what was your first sexual experience?

Rebecca: (too happily) Well, I was camping with Uncle Frank...

Tacoma and Fabrizio: Agh, dare, dare!

(beep back to the forest)

Donnie: Okay, so I spooked a possum, and he appears to be playing dead. Now here's the thing, I don't know if playing dead means, like, he's just acting, he's gonna like spring on me and attack me, or, I thought I heard somewhere that they play dead so much they'll play dead until they actually are dead. Like they just won't move. (pause) I'm gonna take a chance. I mean chances are the first one's right anyway.

(beep, he's much dirtier with leaves on his shirt collar)

Donnie: Yep, the first one was correct. Uh, apparently when they're playing dead they are just playing dead, waiting to strike, with teeth! (making the crazy eyes) Rows and rows of shark-like teeth! But the plus side to that is that they're apparently no match for a shoe! Yes, just an everyday common shoe thwacked against their furry little skulls seems to be their kryptonite. (crazy giggle) Yeah! So he's not gonna be bothering me anytime soon. (sobs)

Donnie: Rebecca, Tacoma, I want you to give you the eulogy at my funeral. No doubt you were the only people concerned when I was missing.

(sorry Donnie, as we cut to Rebecca playing guitar, juggling and doing cartwheels while Tacoma watches with love on his face)

Fabrizio: It's like Cirque du Soleil, only except minus the evil French Canadians.

Rebecca: Yeah, well, now it's your turn, Fabrizio, you gotta do that magic act you were talking about.

Fabrizio: Fine, fine, gimme a minute to set up.

Tacoma: Rebecca, you are a lot more talented than I previously thought.

Rebecca: Yeah well, I'm not as dumb as you guys all think that I am.

Tacoma: I never said that you were dumb...

Rebecca: I can tell, everyone thinks that about me.

Tacoma: I don't!

Rebecca: It's okay, it's okay, it's not your fault, anyone who first meets me thinks that and they don't get a chance to actually see if I can do anything or have opinions or-

Tacoma: I think it's just an actress thing. People just assume that because you're going into the world of acting...

Rebecca: (getting upset) Well yeah but I mean, you'd think that talent would be something that mattered when you're trying to get cast but it really doesn't, like if you're pretty that's great, if you're dumb that's even better then you don't have an opinion or have an idea on how you want to do the role-

Tacoma: There's plenty of actresses who aren't traditionally attractive. Look at Kathy Bates.

Rebecca: Character actress! She plays psychos and smarmy bitches.

Fabrizio: Yeah but in that About Schmidt, she took her top off.

Rebecca: And did you see it?

Fabrizio: No!

Rebecca: Why?

Fabrizio: Because she took her top off.

Rebecca: Exactly.

Tacoma: Alright, how about Judi Dench?

Rebecca: She's British! She could read out of the phone book and it would sound credible.

Tacoma: Okay then! How about Meryl Streep?

Rebecca: Margaret Thatcher, Julia Childs, Skeletor's lover from Bridges Of Madison County? Shrews, cartoons, cougars and MILFs.

Tacoma: Oh, um, Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich, they didn't make her look hot in there.

Rebecca: (raging) Oh yeah! Let's take the hot chick and make her look frumpy. Brilliant! She can get any role she wants, do you know how many normal, ugly people would kill for that role? But no, let's hand it to the cute one and praise her for being edgy.

Tacoma: (beaten) Huh.

Rebecca: That's what being forty means in Hollywood, Tacoma. I'm 23. That means I'm at my midlife crisis. How sad is that?

Tacoma: (desperately looking for a silver lining) Well, on the plus side it's not like your career is going anywhere anytime soon, so... (she gets a soul-wrenching look of disgust on her face and storms off) that was really stupid to say.

Quinn: This is the part where you go after her, and turn your testicles into bangers and mash.

Tacoma: Is anything you say not a stereotype?!

Quinn: Go!

Fabrizio: (with a sword in his hand and astronaut helmet on his head) Hey are we doing this or what?

(cut to Donnie at night, more wolf-howls)

Donnie: Oh fantastic, at least it isn't that creepy little girl. (more laughter) It's okay, there's no such thing as ghosts, that's what I keep telling myself, no such thing as ghosts, no such thing as ghosts, no such thing as ghosts, no such thing as ghosts... (the camera pans up on a creepy girl and he screams, end of part one)

(we start part two with Tacoma trying to apologize to Rebecca behind the door)

Tacoma: Rebecca... Rebecca, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

Rebecca: Go away, I'm busy!

Tacoma: Rebecca?

Quinn: Bangers and mash.

Tacoma: (opens the door) Rebecca... OH!

Rebecca: Go! Get out! Go away! Occupado!

Quinn: What did you do that for?

Tacoma: Agh.

(as he walks away, the gang in the present notice a dark figure in the doorway)

Present!Rebecca: Woah, who's that guy?

(after credits, we meet up with Carl again, he's talking to a hunter)

Carl: So this is the best way into the woods?

Hunter: Well, what you looking for?

Carl: If this tracking device is working, and it's very faint, mein comrade.

Hunter: Hey, you can't go in there.

Carl: And why not?

Hunter: They say there was a witch that died on Christmas Eve.

Carl: Don't be a dummkopf.

Hunter: Aren't you scared?

Carl: Listen, mein friend, if there is something my people have taught me it's that there's nothing that can't be solved by shooting it.

Hunter: Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Carl: And don't say I didn't call you an idiot.

(cut back to Donnie)

Donnie: So, um, I've realized I've gotta get out of here. So what I did was that last night I looked up to try and find the north star, but it was cloudy of course, so what I did is that it was not cloudy for like ten seconds so I got the north side of this tree and you can see, I marked it with berries here. So that way I know that this way is north, and I have one sheet of scratch paper, I had one pen with just enough ink to get this: Gone North, Send Help, so if anyone does come across this way they'll see this tree and know where I went, and they can at least find what will most likely be my rotting corpse. Beyond there, beyond there (pokes the paper into a branch)... Hopefully we won't hear any more of (laughter right on cue) that.

(cut back to Tacoma trying to apologize to Rebecca some more)

Tacoma: For the last time, I'm sorry. I thought you were crying or something. 

Fabrizio: No, that was after you saw her can on the can. 

Tacoma: Look, I feel awful. Is there anything I could do to make it up to you?

Rebecca: I don't know. Fabrizio, think there's any favors you need called in?

Fabrizio: Oh, I could think of a couple.

(Suspense music plays as we cut to... Tacoma in a yellow dress, holding a hat and Fabrizio wearing sombrero acting as a magician.)

Fabrizio: And now my lovely assistance will show you that the hat is empty.

(Tacoma shows the empty hat and Rebecca happily claps)

Fabrizio: And that's how you dispose of a filthy animal that won't keeps his mouth shut.

(cut back to Donnie)

Donnie: Okay, so in the The Blair Witch Project, they come across a stream and then they just walk right past it. This was stupid. All water leads... somewhere. People set up around water 'cause guess what, we need water to survived. So, my thought is that I just keep an eye out for a stream, ah ah listen for some water, follow that to some form of civilization and hopefully that would get me somewhere.

(beep)

Donnie: (banging his head on a tree) There's no water! No water at all! Anywhere. Plenty for trees, look at all the trees, look at all the trees b-b-but n-n-no... No water, no stream, no anything. It looks like there used to be a stream, didn't it? It just dried up... This planet turns to Arrakis or something from "Dune". Do you even get that? I'm nervous and doom, that's how...

(beep)

Donnie: So I had what I thought was a little bit of a McGuyver moment. Ah, I used my hat and my socks, ah, cut it up and I put a rock in there as well, as means of collecting rain water. But guess what it's not doing? *chuckles* No rain, no rain at all. Again, you know, it's just seems like the world uninhabited by water. No God's tears today. But I tell you right now, I'm gonna keep myself going...(Donnie starts to cry... and starts to lick his own arm)

(cut to Rebecca, sleeping Fabrizio in the couch, and Tacoma)

Tacoma: Hey Rebecca, I really am sorry about all that stuff I said earlier.

Rebecca: Nah, we're past that. You look really good in yellow anyways.

Tacoma: Ha, It made my ass look kinda big but, thanks. *chuckles*

Rebecca: Okay, Truth or Dare?

Tacoma: Well, the truth always got me in trouble. So, why stop there? Truth.

Rebecca: Do you really think we should stop Demo Reel?

Tacoma: Boy, no that's a toughy. I know I always told Donnie that we should but, all honest, I don't know. I mean, I joined this project with high hopes and it turn into... a nightmare. I sit in a dark room and throw my soul down on paper, then watch it get torn apart by whoever; Donnie, the internet. I guess am just lucky to be in a field where I'm able to express myself. But everybody said it's crap anyway. So, what the point? *sigh* Why write? Nobody says you can write.

Rebecca: Why act? Nobody says you can act.

(back at computer room)

Quinn: My God this is depressing, and I'm Irish! I'm gonna have to put on Angela's Ashes, just so I can remember what it's like to laugh again.

(back to the footage)

Tacoma: Nah, screw it. (grab a bottle on the table) Let's drink. (pours it into the glass, but finds that...) Oh, hey. We're all out.

Rebecca: Ah hey, Fabrizio, you got any wine?

Fabrizio: Well, as an Italian, (put his hand on his jacket) we always come prepared. (takes out a full wine bottle)

Tacoma: Cool, Woah, Wow! We need a bigger glass.

Quinn: I think Donnie keeps a brandy-sniffer in the editing room.

Tacoma: Alright, I will go grab that. (gets up)

Rebecca: In the meantime, let's spice things up a little bit with Fabrizio! Truth or Dare?

Fabrizio: Ah, Truth.

Rebecca: Have you ever killed someone?

Fabrizio: (reconsiders) Dare.

Tacoma: REBECCA! Rebecca, come here!

(Rebecca rushes to the editing room)

Fabrizio: Go, I'll protect the booze. (lays down, hugging the wine bottle)

Rebecca: Tacoma, what is it?

Tacoma: (worryingly looking at the binder) You're not gonna believe this. (looking at the camera)

(suddenly cuts to black)

(back to Donnie)

Donnie: So I ravish thought my pocket and look what I found. *sigh* Toothpaste, which you wouldn't normally think is a four course meal but you know what, I'm just getting that desperate. The only other thing I found is these ah, berries, that I don't know whether or not they are poisonous. The toothpaste has to be safer, right...?

(cuts to Donnie vomiting behind the tree)

Donnie: (reading from the toothpaste label) "If more is used for brushing is accidentally swallowed, get medical help or contact a poison control center." You know, the poison control center that's in your local neighborhood. Who would have though that toothpaste was poisonous? Go go away. That apparently it's... Okay, well I guess now the choice is obvious, I had to eat the berries...

(cuts to Donnie vomiting behind the tree... again)

Donnie: (looking tired) Investing better reading on the back of that toothpaste label, I found out that the most common found in everybody's bathroom ah, apparently if consumed too much, gives you the shits, the shakes, and cause you to hallucinate. At least that's what the yellow monkey has been telling me. It's that right, Periwinkle. (turn the camera, but no one's there) Shut up!

(beep)

Donnie: Okay, I know I'm out my element, that's why I reached the final act of desperation. And after you drink your own urine, eat leaves, and committed possum-cide, there's only one other desperate act one can make: Prayer.

Donnie: (kneels down and prays) I'm a worthless man. I'm a small mam. I just need your help. If you could give me everything, some sign just a, ah ah, a little bit of hope for me to cling on to, I will dedicate my life to making things better, not worst. And if not, I swear, I will sell my soul to Satan. I'll do it. I'll find the nearest woodland critter, plunging it to death and sacrificing it of a black alter of pine-cones and tree-sap. Nothing. Not a. Okay.

Donnie: (looks down) Hey Satan, it's Donnie. I know we haven't talk much before but, ah, if you could just send me a woodland critter and maybe some pine-cones and some tree sap...

(beep)

Donnie: (sounding dozy) Oh well, that's a bust. But hey, on the plus, at least I know I'm not going around in a... (sees a paper poked in the branch, grabs in and realized that that's the same one from earlier.) (about to scream as we cut to...)

(beep, night-time)

Donnie: I've realized something now. Life is not a movie. You can try your best, do everything correct, and yet you can still fail. Just get used to it. It's the way things are gonna happen, because you can try your best to do everything right, and in the end you still wake up in the middle of the forest, abandoned and dying to death. Nobody's gonna save me right now, I'm just gonna die alone. I don't know how my mom used to love this stuff. I don't know how she carried that enthusiasm, how she used to carry herself with so much brightness and then... how did it get her through such tough times? How did that carry her? How can I just get a little bit of that right now, just a little bit to get me through this pain... The answer is? I can't. Nobody can. So just give up.

Donnie: Eh, this looks like a good place to die. Mom, don't worry. I'm coming soon. (hears creepy laughter) (Suspense music plays, Donnie starts to run... into a house)

Donnie: (whispering) Holy shit. (more laughter is heard as he runs towards the house, opens the door, gets into the kitchen and travels thought the living room as he finds... a girl, dressed in white, facing the corner)

Donnie: (whispering) What the hell? (Suddenly, someone knocks-out Donnie from behind)

(back in the forest)

Carl: Donnie? Donnie?... (finds Donnie's hat) Donnie. (picks it up) Key photographer's log: directed down, repiz, directed down.

(cuts to black)

(credits)

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