(Chester sings to the tune of his theme song over various clips from his past reviews and con appearances)
Chester:
If you are roaming websites for something to view
Can't form an opinion no matter what you do
Come enjoy me, join me
Or employ me, coin me
Or just sit right back and watch "Bum Reviews."
We're gonna watch some movies to relieve your strife
Maybe they're the best I've ever seen in my life
Give a tip if you could
(spoken) C'mon, pal, Jesus would!
Or you could sit back and watch "Bum Reviews."
Come on, friend, just spare a buck
I live in a wooden duck
(spoken) Seriously, a wooden duck!
If you're looking for some versatility
Start by telling me then just what that word means
My vocab ain't that good
My rhyming also kinda sucks
But at least I star in "Bum Reviews."
Come to me, I'll tell it straight
"Citizen Kane" is second-rate
Overrated!
So drop on by my office on the northside bench
Just follow your nose to the horrifying stench
Your head might feel queasy
And your nostrils might bleed
But at least we'll watch some "Bum Reviews."
(spoken) CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, give a guy a break, will ya?! C'mon, change! C'mon, I'm Chester A. Bum, the greatest homeless critic this side of the garbage can! Don't you wanna hear my opinion on "Jack and Jill?" OH MY GOD, it's the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! It was a great, ironic twist showing what happens when an actor just doesn't care about his career anymore! And is it me, or did his twin sister really look a lot like him? C'mon, that deserves a couple of nickels! I swear I'm not gonna use the money for alcohol or drugs! I'm just gonna use it to give it to another person who's going to give me alcohol or drugs!
(singing) So please don't tell the cops if you should notice me
There's only so many times I can plead insanity
It's hard to get through it
But someone must do it
It's Chester A. Bum from "Bum Reviews."
House is gone, got thrown away
Don't live inside an ashtray
(spoken) Though, they are spacious!
I guess there's no more song for me to sing about
I'll take this opportunity to scream and shout
CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE!
CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE!
Please give me some change for a Bum review!
(spoken) Who wrote this crappy music, anyway?