The Care Bears Movie
May 11th, 2010
(NC looks very displeased.)
NC: I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but, whenever somebody asks you "what did you do at your job today?" and you had to answer, "I watched Care Bears The Movie", I die a little inside. (pause) Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride?! (pause) ...You can't. Roll it.
(Title card appears.)
Background singer: ♫ Care-A-Lot is a place we all can go... ♫
(Scenes from the movie play.)
NC (VO): Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day... Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice and disgustingly marketable. How can any child not get wrapped up in their disgustingness? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear, knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit.
NC: Is it as bad as it looks? Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's take a look at... (sighs) Care Bears: The Movie.
NC (VO): So we start off with probably the whitest orphanage ever seen on film, as our narrator Mr. Cherrywood comes in.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now off to sleep to dream of clowns and circuses, acrobats and jugglers...
NC (VO): He's played by Mickey Rooney, former biggest star in the world and now doing...mm...Care Bears. He decides to tell the children a story before they go to sleep.
Mr. Cherrywood: This is the story of two young children named Kim and Jason... And how they were helped by a group of very special friends...the Care Bears.
NC: (cringes) Ugh...I don't like that face he made there...
Mr. Cherrywood: ...The Care Bears.
NC: (cringes again) Ugh...It's the kind of face that says...
(Cuts to demotivational poster with Mr. Cherrywood's face that says: "Mr. Cherrywood; I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that.")
NC (VO): "I touched half of these children, and I'm okay with that".
Mr. Cherrywood: The Care Bears live in a magic place called Care-a-Lot.
NC (VO): So as the credits roll, we get our opening song called "Care-a-Lot", sung by Carole King, isn't that sad... And is it me, or does she sound totally uninterested in singing this?
Carole King: Care-a-Lot is a place you'd like to be, riding on a cloud, you'll care-a-Lot, it's a Rainbow fantasy, for laughing out loud...
NC: (As King, resting on his hand and looking unamused) Care-a-Lot is paying for my new car...so might as well do it...
NC (VO): On top of that, this song is just shit. I mean, listen to these lyrics. (Recites the lyrics as they are shown onscreen) Care-a-Lot, carousels playing music in your mind...
(He pauses and gives a "WTF" look before continuing.)
NC (VO): ...for dancing and singing. Sometimes you feel so glad, sometimes you feel blue. Trust your feelings, it's not bad, feelings are just you.
NC: ...What does that even mean? "Feelings are just you"? Oh, that's good to know, I thought it was Herchel the feeling fairy. What are they talking about?!
NC (VO): By the way, it's probably my perverted mind, but what does it look like these two are doing? [Cuts to a Care Bear relaxing in a cloud car, while another bends down and inspects the hood of his car) This bear looks waaaaaay too happy about what this bear is doing. I think that car is just a cover. So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring.
Friend Bear: Hi! I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears!
Jason: What do you want?
Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.
NC (VO): Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote-unquote "caring". I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend, is it like...
(Cuts to skit with two NCs talking to each other.)
NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings you want?
NC 2: Eh, I don't care. (suddenly n panicked tone) No, no, wait! I didn't mean--! (sparkling sound effects play and NC moans lightly)
Care Bear (offscreen): Hi, we're the Care Bears! And everybody has to care about something--
(NC brings out his gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears as they are heard screaming.)
Friend Bear: Everyone needs friends, Jason. Even you and Kim.
Kim: (stops walking away with Jason and turns around) We're not your friends.
Jason: How do you know our names?
NC (VO): Really? That's your biggest question right now? I mean, granted, that's a legit query, but that should be like question number five.
Friend Bear: We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up, and Jason, you want to be a jet pilot.
Jason: Yeah...how did you know that?
Friend Bear: Friends are supposed to know about each other's hopes and dreams.
NC: Friends, stalkers, it's all good!
NC (VO): So while they try to comfort the two kids, their main leader named Tenderheart goes to check on another kid named Nicholas.
Mr. Cherrywood: Nicholas was a magician's helper. He had never had a friend in his life.
(Nicholas walks into Magician's trailer with a heavy red chest.)
Magician: Hey! Close the door!
(Nicholas tries to close door but stumbles backwards and falls, causing the contents in the chest to spill out.)
NC (VO): (as magician) D'oh, this is why you've never had a friend in your life!
Nicholas: I didn't mean it!
Magician: I bought that trunk, thinking maybe there was some junk in it I could use in my magic act! Now half of it's broken!
NC: (as magician) Don't make me tell your parents who may or may not exist and I may or may not be keeping you from!
NC (VO): But Nicholas comes across a secret magic book.
Magic Book: Nicholas... I am a spirit, Nicholas...your friend.
NC (VO): Unfortunately, it's a book that seems to possess unnatural evil powers.
Magic Book: (book opens revealing a feminine face within the pages) This is your chance to show that you are a greater magician than he. (cuts to Magician staring at a mirror as the book continues) They love him for his magic. (Tender Heart is hiding and watching the book talk to Nicholas) They'll love you for yours.
(Scene from The Evil Dead plays.)
Ash (narrating): It was never meant for the world of the living.
NC (VO): While that's going on, though, the Care Bears are working on their latest invention, a teleporter. ...Yes, apparently, there's groundbreaking scientific technology in Care-a-Lot, as long as the buttons look like Lucky Charms Marshmallows. But it accidentally beams the two children up when it wasn't supposed to.
Jason: Where are we?
Care Bears: (pose in formation) We're the Care Bears!
Jason and Kim: More friends?
NC: Ha, I like these kids, they have all the right reactions!
NC (VO): So while they try to get the teleporter to work, they show the kids around Care-a-Lot via a god awful song sequence.
Background Singer: Nobody cares like a bear...
NC (VO): But fuck that shit, I wanna see the evil book again!
Magic Book: He'll be in a deep sleep only long enough for you to take over his magic show.
Nicholas: B--but...I--I couldn't...
Magic Book: Yes, you can. You must.
NC (VO): So, this genuinely creepy character that appears is simply known as "The Spirit." And while not flat-out scary, there is something very threatening about her. Maybe it's her voice, maybe it's the fact that there's just a face in a book. But there's something that's just a little unsettling.
The Spirit: There are dozens of children out there, waiting to see your magic.
NC: In fact, I don't want to watch her anymore, I'm gonna fast forward past her parts.
(He raises a remote at the screen, but the Spirit glares, causing the remote to fling out of NC's hand as he looks on stunned. The pages of the book turn at a fast pace, as NC gets hit with a bunch of paper in the face and other things)
NC: Ah, what th--OKAY, OKAY, I LOVE YOUR SCENES, I LOVE YOUR SCENES!!
(The Spirit cackles.)
NC: I haven't seen a book so in touch with evil since Twilight...
Tender Heart: Nicholas, stop! This isn't the way to make friends!
The Spirit: Where was he when you needed him?
(Tenderheart jumps between Nicholas and the Spirit, as Nicholas makes a confused face.)
Tender Heart: What matters is...
NC (VO): (laughs) I just love Nicholas' face here. As if to say, "Wow, I really didn't think I was gonna see this today. A talking bear speaking with an evil face in a book. Thank God it's at least Friday!" So, she locks Tender Heart in a cage and convinces Nicholas to start his own magic show.
Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help you find the true answer.
NC: Yes. Just listen to the magic talking bear.
NC (VO): So Tender Heart breaks his way out, as Nicholas' magic show doesn't go as well as he planned.
(As the children audience laugh at Nicholas, he turns to the Spirit)
Nicholas: Make them stop laughing!
The Spirit: Only you can do that...
Nicholas: (scans the book) Zimmer zot...cansorthe ne!
(Thunderclaps are heard, and the children suddenly look twisted and mean)
NC (VO): Oh no, he turned them into YouTube commenters...
The Spirit: (as a big green tornado begins to rise from the book) This is only...the beginning....
NC (VO): So Nicholas and his evil book start turning everybody in the world into jerks. Because of this, Care-a-Lot starts to crumble.
Funshine Bear: (in panicked tone) The caring meter dropped two whole points!
(All the Care Bears gasp as the meter continues to drop)
NC: We're reaching Jersey levels! JERSEY LEVELS!!
NC (VO): So Kim and Jason decide to join the Care Bears in their mission to stop the Spirit.
Tender Heart: (pulls out a key) Hold onto this for me, Jason. Don't lose it. It's very important.
NC: Then why don't you hold onto it?
NC (VO): Well, anyway, they try teleporting them to Earth, but the earthquake destroys the teleporter in the process.
Grumpy Bear: They never made it to Earth!
Tender Heart: What do you mean? Where are they?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost! Somewhere between here and Earth!
NC (VO): Yeah, um, what exactly is the cosmology for Care-a-Lot, anyway? I thought it was in the clouds. Now it's in a different dimension? I mean, where are they expected to end up?
Grumpy Bear: They're lost! Somewhere between here and Earth!
(Cuts to scene of the two children and a Care Bear dead and floating in space)
NC (VO): So they decide to take a river down to Earth...that's right, there's a river in the clouds now...in the hopes that this will...somehow cross dimensions. I don't know, here's how they explain it...
Mr. Cherrywood: No one in Care-a-Lot had ever followed the river. They had no idea whether it would lead them to Kim, Jason, and the missing Care Bears...(scene fades out) or to nowhere at all.
NC (VO): (as child) Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? They just never question why it was there? And for that matter, if they never followed it, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby? (As Mr. Cherrywood) Quiet or I will smack you with my ring hand!
NC (VO): So, Jason, Kim, and the other two Care Bears are trapped in between worlds, which I guess is filled with lost cereal mascots.
Brave Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playful Heart Monkey and Brave Heart. (gestures to self)
(Scene from Braveheart plays)
NC: I know, I know, but how can I not put that in?
NC (VO): So, even though they're lost in the Forest of Feelings, the people of Earth are deteriorating and Care-a-Lot is falling apart, that doesn't stop our heroes from having a song number.
Jason: (Singing) Do you have a house made all out of wood, for keeping you dry when it's raining?
NC (vo): Wow, that's pretty bad, kid. I mean, not William Hung bad (Cuts to a clip of William Hung in American Idol), but...but bad.
Playful Heart Monkey: Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose!
Kim: Stop! Stay perfectly still... (Raises flower to nose, bee follows flower, then she tosses flower away)
NC (VO): Um, that was totally necessary. What was the movie like 20 seconds too short so you had to add a bee scene? The song's pointless enough already, you doesn't need any more padding! Meanwhile, Nicholas and the Spirit continue to turn all the people of the world into rotten a-holes.
The Spirit: These two small children still care...
Nicholas: But they were to fall under my spell!
The Spirit: Ah, but those...those soft little bears shield them from your spells with their...love and caring.
NC (VO): (Chuckles) What is up with this woman's voice? Is someone just eating her out while she's saying her lines?!
NC: (As the Spirit) Those cute, cuddly little bears... Ahh! Oh, oh, they care so much... Mmm, oh, I love a happy ending...
The Spirit: You must finish it. Say it...
Nicholas: Zip...zap...zonk! (an evil purple smoke creature comes out of the pot) Aaaaaah!
NC (VO): Oh, great. You unleashed Hell. The apocalypse has finally begun and Satan is going to rule the Earth. Good job.
The Spirit: Now, go!
NC (VO): So that purple fart goes to find the others, as the Care Bears' ship comes across more friends that they can make good toys out of.
Cozy Heart Penguin: I'm Cozy Heart Penguin. Helping someone in need is what warms my heart and keeps me cozy!
NC (VO): (as Fake Advertisement announcer) (Text: Cozy Heart Penguin. Only $9.99. Don't stop bothering your parents until you have one. Steal from them if you must, Santa says it's okay.) Only $9.99! Pester, scream and yell at your parents until they finally break down and buy you one! It's more important than breathing.
NC (vo): They also come across a pink elephant. And, guessing the amount of booze you've probably had throughout this picture, I'm guessing you're coming across a few as well. But things aren't so hot with Kim and Jason, as the purple smoke possesses the only tree that happens to have an evil face on it.
(Jason and Kim scream as they are snatched up by the tree)
Brave Heart: Charge!
NC: (As William Wallace from Braveheart) They may take our lives, but they'll never take, OUR MARKETABILITY!
(Brave Heart charges then gets hit by tree and falls)
NC: Wow. Fail.
[The scene gets stamped with red lettered "Fail"]
NC (vo): But luckily, Speedy Gon-Hoppis comes along to save the day.
[Speedy Gonzales' noises sound as the Rabbit is seen going in and out of the tree at top speed]
NC (vo): So their new bunny friend joins them on their adventure. But unfortunately, the purple smoke takes on another form.
Kim: Brave Heart!
(Brave Heart raises his paws in fistacuffs manner as the purple cloud rushes at him as a crow and rushes past him. Brave Heart tries to punch the purple cloud but misses and twirls around in a circle in cartoon fashion)
NC: (sighs in annoyance) You know, you're really bad at that! Just because you're brave, doesn't mean you're capable.
[The "Fail" stamp appears again over the scene]
Friend Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear stare, I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bears, stare!
(Secret Bear and Friend Bear puff out their chests and hearts, stars, and light shine out that hits the evil crow. Cut to a scene from Ghostbusters)
Ray Stanz: Start bringing them down, start bringing them down. You got them. Don't cross the streams.
Friend Bear: The two of us aren't enough.
(More shining from Care Bear Stare appears as the sailboat appears from behind a rock)
NC (vo; in multiple Care Bear voices): Taste the rainbow, motherfucker!
(The evil crow is destroyed)
NC (vo): Pfft, well, fuck caring. The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence. So, they gather all the other animals of the forest...because there weren't enough fucking toys to sell...as they find their way out of the forest and back to Earth. How lucky. There ever just so happens to pass space and time.
Tender Heart: Do you still have the key that I gave you?
Jason: Sure do.
Tender Heart: If we lose that key, Jason, we can never win.
NC: That's why I'm entrusting it to a small boy I barely know. How does this make sense again?
NC (vo): So Nicholas casts a spell to turn Kim and Jason into heartless jerks. But he needs them to be close in order for the spell to work.
(Care Bears appear on a roller coaster ride as Tender Heart rushes down to Nicholas)
Tender Heart: Nicholas! Nichol-
Nicholas: (holds up cape to face) You're too late. Too late.
NC: (Raises arm up like a cape and uses fake Romanian accent) I have officially become a vampire. Not one of those sparkly ones, though. They totally suck ass.
NC (vo): The Care Bears try to stop him, but the evil of the book is just way too strong.
(The scene reveals the book knocking all the Care Bears back into the seat of the roller coaster)
Birthday Bear: The Spirit's power is too strong.
Love-a-Lot Bear: Look!
(The door ahead of them shines with a bright light and Nicholas appears)
Cozy Heart Penguin: Nicholas?
(Nicholas comes towards them looking possessed and floating as he holds the book)
NC (vo): (laughs) Oh, Jesus.
Nicholas: (in low and creepy tone) Where are they?
NC: This kid could totally give the Emperor from Star Wars a run for his money.
Emperor (Dubbed over Nicholas): Now, young Skywalker...you will die.
NC (vo): The Care Bears try to...um...stare him down, as the other animals try to help.
Brave Heart: Everybody, call!
(The Care Bear Cousins sound off in various animal roars and noises)
NC: Okay, guys, that's really not helping. I mean, maybe you could get...I don't know, a gun or some kind of blunt instrument or, uh...yeah, you're totally useless.
[The "Fail" stamp is placed over the Care Bear Cousins]
(Nicholas grins cynically as the book's pages turn. Both Kim and Jason run towards Nicholas)
Tender Heart: Kim! Jason! NO!
The Spirit: It's them!
(Nicholas' eyes spiral in black and white)
Judge Doom (Dubbed over Nicholas): When I killed your brother, I talked...JUST...LIKE...THIIIIS!
(NC looks horrified. A sound of a brick dropping is heard as he points to his pants)
NC: That was a brick. That was literally a brick.
Jason: (To Nicholas) We care about you. We used to be like you. We thought nobody cared.
Kim: But we were wrong. Now we want to be your friends, Nicholas.
NC (vo): Okay, you know the drill. The kids start saying that they care about Nicholas, which gives him the will to care, and thus, he stops using the book.
(Nicholas closes the book and holds it to the ground)
Tender Heart: Jason, the key.
(Just as Jason brings out the key, the Spirit uses its power to vaporize the key)
Tender Heart: Hold on, Nicholas!
(Secret Bear comes rushing over and makes a new key for Jason)
NC (vo): HEY! What the hell?! So that key they kept building up this whole time as the big secret weapon could be duplicated whenever they want?! What, did they just want to make that little boy feel important?
[Scene of Care Bears cheering as the book is locked with the key and then the scene shifts to a celebration at Care-a-Lot]
NC (vo): So, Care-a-Lot is saved, the two kids get adopted and Nicholas finally perfects his magic act. The Care Bears also welcome their new animal friends to be Care Bear...Lions...whatever, as they celebrate by dancing like they have a dump in their pants.
(Cuts to a verse in the ending song)
NC (vo): And it turns out all the children in the orphanage fell asleep, no doubt bored senseless of Mr. Cherrywood's story.
Mr. Cherrywood: Now they'll never know what eventually became of Nicholas. I guess all they need to know is that he did live happily ever after, happier than I ever thought I could be.
(Tender Heart peers in the window and chuckles)
NC (vo): (As a child) Good story. But he missed the part about the sodomy, and the ties to the JFK assassination. But I guess that stuff wasn't very important.
[The End title screen appears with all the Care Bears waving]
NC: So, that's the Care Bears Movie. How does it hold up?
NC (vo): Well, yeah, it's stupid, but to be fair, it's for little kids. It's kind of hard to beat up on something intended for really young children. It's not good, but there's not really anything bad in it for kids. It's relatively harmless. So, if you're ages one to...I don't know, one, you'll probably enjoy it okay.
NC: But there's still one thing that really bothers me. Why was the book so evil? I mean, what was her motivation all this time? It doesn't make any sense-
The Spirit (voiced by NC): Critic! Open the book, Critic.
(NC grabs a book offscreen and opens it)
The Spirit: You wanted to know what my motivation was?
NC: Yeah, yeah, I do.
The Spirit: It was to make the people of the world stop caring.
NC: I knew that. But why did you want that to begin with?
The Spirit: I don't know. I don't care.
NC: Oh, I see. Because you don't care, nobody else cares. It keeps going around in circles.
The Spirit: Yeah, it's kinda like that...
NC: Piss off.
The Spirit: Wait, wait. No! I could give you a happy ending.
(NC slams book closed and slams on the desk)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He walks away)
The Spirit: A-hole.
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Tagline: Look! I see a bee on Friend Bear's nose!