The Cat in the Hat
April 16, 2013
(We start off with the usual opening for the show, but he's in the living room instead)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it--
(Suddenly he's interrupted by Evilina (played by Rachel Tietz) putting her Princess Celestia doll in the shot)
Evilina: (sings) My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little--
(NC rips the doll out of her hand, throws it on the ground and shoots it)
NC: We're not gonna turn this video into another brony message board, now sit down! (Evilina pouts and crosses her arms) If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this week and all because I owe a certain someone a certain favor. (he takes out his phone and calls someone) Hey Mr. Zebub, you almost done?
(Of course it's Satan (played by Malcolm Ray) on the line)
Satan: Almost. I'm finalizing the plans for my next movie deal. (He holds out a binder for the Disney movie, Planes)
NC: (rubbing his forehead and sighs) It's what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression. (he looks over to see Evilina smiling at him) So what do kids normally do? They make tofu or something?
Evilina: Well, you could read me a story.
NC: Yeah, okay. (He comes back with Your Favorite Seuss, a collection of Dr. Seuss stories) Okay, this one's a classic. (he opens up to The Cat in the Hat) "We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!"
Evilina: Wait, why does he look like a cat?
NC: Because he's a cat.
Evilina: No, that's not what he looks like. He's supposed to be scary, and weird, and constantly out of breath.
Evilina: And why is it all in rhyme?
NC: Because it's Dr. Seuss; everything he does is in rhyme.
Evilina: No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in awhile. And where's all the subplots, and in-jokes, and advertisements, and forced morals and penis innuendos?
NC: What the fuck are you talking about?
(She holds out her finger, then leans in to take out the DVD for the movie)
(She puts the movie in the PS3, presses play, and it comes on screen. NC is disgusted with what he's seeing)
NC: This isn't Dr. Seuss; It's not even close! It's evil, corporate pandering with freaky imagery that's promoting everything that's wrong with humanity! This was next to Son of the Mask, wasn't it?
NC: Who would think in any way this innocent little story would be connected to this big budget sellout?
(Suddenly popping up from the screen is a man in a business suit and wearing sunglasses, played by Orlando Belisle Jr.)
Man: I would!
NC: Oh, no, it's Peter Soulless.
NC: The Hollywood executive who bought all the film rights to Dr. Seuss. [They] call him "The Ass with the Cash."
Soulless: I see you're young and impressionable, too. So I have a jiggy load of crunk here for you! With modern jokes, adult jokes, and poop jokes galore. References kids won't get, who could ask for more? It's totally "boss" and with the "in crowd," is there any "pwnage" this funkiness allows?
NC: Stop it! Stop it! Stop trying to sound cool!
Soulless: Is my hizzy in a nizzy?
NC: Look, you clearly have no idea how people talk and you clearly have no idea what made Dr. Seuss a great author.
Soulless: Whatever do you mean?
NC: (sighs) Alright, if I can take this chance to enlighten you on how Dr. Seuss is being butchered nowadays, maybe some good can come of this. (looks to Evilina) What do you say, kiddo? You ready to take a trip into some awkward humor?
Evilina: With Mike Myers? Of course!
NC: Let us journey into "Dr. Seuss's" The Cat in the Hat.
NC (vo): It's important to know that the director of this movie is Bo Welch, a world famous production designer on a lot of (picture of Beetlejuice) Tim Burton movies and (picture of Men in Black) Barry Sonnenfeld productions. I say this because clearly he's much better at directing the set than he is at directing his actors. Though as you can see, even that can get a little extreme. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a Doublemint Gum commercial.
(A jingle for the gum plays)
Jingle: Double double your refreshment
(On the lower right corner is the movie while a caption above says "Don't worry, we'll have more ads!")
NC (vo): We see the mother works at a hand sanitizer factory*, also known as "Howie Mandel's Candy Store" as we see one of the many reoccuring themes in current Dr. Seuss productions: weak suburban commentary.
- Actually, it's a real estate agency.*
Mr. Humberfloob: Tonight is our monthly meet and greet party. Tonight's host is...Joan Walden. Joan, if your house is as messy as last time...YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRED!
(NC and Evilina stare at that scene, then they turn to look camera right at a new graphic)
NC: So what level of "Not Caring" are our actors in this movie? (on the right is a Not Caring Meter. From bottom to top is stills of: Keaunu Reeves as Neo, Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, Dennis Hopper as Bowser, Russell Crowe as Inspector Javert, Halle Berry as Catwoman, and Jeremy Irons as Profion. An image of Mr. Humberfloob's head appears at the bottom and gradually rises upward) Uh, let's see. We passed Dennis Hopper from Super Mario Bros, uh, passed Russell Crowe from anything he's in, and we're right up to...(Mr. Humberfloob's face stops at the top with a *Ding!* sound) Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons. (mimics Profion, and Evilina does the same) Atatata!
Joan: My kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob: Great. (he grins and leaves)
NC (vo): We then see her two kids at home played by Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning, who's best known for playing a strange, lifeless looking puppet. (a picture of Coraline appears on the upper right side) Oh, and Coraline. (NC and Evilina imitate a rimshot as one plays) They spend most of their time setting up story arcs that will obviously be changed by our thankfully neutered protagonist. He's a messy troublemaker, she's a control freak, and neither of them put any emotion into their performances!
Conrad: This was all Sally's fault.
Sally: I tried to tell him, Mom.
Conrad: Why don't you go upstairs?
Sally: This is just as much my fault.
Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.
Sally: I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad: This was my fault.
NC (vo): Stephen Hawking's voice box emotes more than them!
Conrad: Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to?
(Cut to a picture of Stephen Hawking)
Hawking (dubbed by NC): God, put some fucking emotion into it.
NC (vo): And speaking of actors who just gave up, Alec Baldwin plays the evil neighbor who wants to marry the mother and send her son, Conrad, off to military school! Why? I don't know! Something has to account for this uncomfortably forced conflict here, though!
Joan: Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.
Joan: Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing!
NC: Okay, Soulless, here's one of my big problems here. If you're going to show family dilemmas and conflicts, try actually showing it!
NC (vo): The kid and mother snapping at each other--if you can even call it that; it's so unemotional--seems needlessly mean and unjustified. There's little to no build up to such harshness being delivered from both of them.
Soulless: Well, we needed to add some extra morals.
NC: Why? The one in the book is fine, as well as unique.
(Clips of the animated TV special "The Cat in the Hat" are shown)
NC (vo): Sometimes a little rule breaking is okay as long as it never goes too far! That's a rare message for kids. And Seuss delivered it in a balanced way because the kids were normal kids. (Clip of the movie) Here, the boy is already out of control and the girl is the other extreme, so the message is already getting confused!
Soulless: Well, we needed to change it around for the longer running time.
Soulless: Oh, what good are those movies, anyway? They don't even have pop culture references! That, and we knew Mike Myers would only be funny for one more year, and we had to cash in on him as quickly as possible. Speaking of which...
NC (vo): (sighs) Yes, it's just about that time, isn't it? After a pretty shockingly offensive stereotype comes to babysit, they start watching TV.
(On TV is a physical brawl occurring in Taiwanese Parliament)
Conrad: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell him, Kwi Chang! No more big government!
(NC and Evilina look at the scene with tilted heads)
NC: Okay, movie, that was like five racist jokes at a time. We're losing track about what qualities we're not supposed to like about them.
Evilina: Am I supposed to hate how they talk different or how they look different?
NC (vo): As she falls asleep, we finally get the appearance of our geisha-covered-in-pubes, Mike Myers.
(And the kids run screaming for the hills)
Cat: That could've gone better. (laughs)
Evilina: (quite scared of him!) Mr. Critic, is that what happens when (picture of) Pepe le Pew makes whoopie with (picture of) Ronald McDonald?
NC: Yes. Yes, it is.
Evilina: I'm afraid!
NC: We all are.
Cat: (hides in a closet with the kids) Now what are we hiding from? (laughs)
(And the kids run screaming. Again!)
NC (vo): Now for those who don't remember, there was a time when Mike Myers ruled the fucking world. (Picture of Linda Richman from "Coffee Talk") He was a hit on Saturday Night Live, (picture of Myers as Austin Powers) grew a cult following with Austin Powers, resulting in a monster hit with its sequel, (picture of Shrek) landed another big hit with Shrek, (picture of Mike Myers holding an MTV Movie Award trophy) killed as a host at the MTV Movie Awards...
NC: ...and I'm just gonna say it. He may not have been that funny.
(That makes everyone gasp, even Evilina. NC's phone rings and he answers it)
NC: Or at least not as funny as we built him up to be.
(Clip of Wayne's World)
NC (vo): He had some good characters, he had some good bits, (clip from Goldmember) and he seemed to have a likable personality. (Clip from View from the Top) But after a while, people started to catch on to the repetition of his humor, (Clip of the Love Guru) that without proper support (clip of Fat Bastard) couldn't keep everybody laughing for very long. And nowhere is that more painfully spotlighted than in this flick. Look at this scene where he has to keep you entertained for a good solid minute just on his own.
Cat: Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline who's here to make sure that you're...meline? Key lime? Turpentine? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really, no.
NC (vo): Yeah, the Cat in the Hat, the most famous Dr. Seuss character of all time, is not good at rhyming.
NC: Starting to see what I'm talking about? (Evilina nods)
NC (vo): His schtick seems to be acknowledging that what he's saying isn't funny. Which at first IS funny, but then you realize constantly acknowledging what he's saying isn't funny suddenly results in thinking what he's saying isn't funny.
Conrad: Where did you come from?
Cat: My place! What do you think?
NC (vo): On top of that, he doesn't really have much of a character. I mean, I guess it's trying to be Bugs Bunny...ish, but he never really seems to care about what his motivation is or how to carry it out. He just seems more concerned about making bad jokes and winking to the camera than he does actually interacting with the kids. Half the time, he doesn't even look at them in the face!
Soulless: Oh, but come on, Critic! He has this laugh!
(And the Cat laughs)
NC: Okay, that doesn't create a three dimensional character.
Soulless: What if he did it again?
(Another Cat laugh)
NC: Doing it again isn't gonna change anything.
Soulless: What about again?
Soulless: And again!
(It then goes back and forth between nos, agains, and laughs)
NC: Don't you do that. Please, knock it off. No more, we don't need anymore, I'm saying. Please, please, no more. It's really annoying, it's hurting my ears. They're gonna be bleeding in a second. Please, stop it.(eventually the laughing cacophony is too much) STOP IT!!! Having him laugh again and again does not give him an identity! I mean, he's not as good as...
NC: Don't make me say it.
Soulless: Say what?
NC: Please don't.
Soulless: What were you going to say?
NC: I can't.
Soulless: What is it?
NC: Please don't make me say it.
Soulless: What is it?
NC: (sighs) He's not as good as Jim Carrey in The Grinch.
Soulless and Evilina: Ohhh!
NC: Shut up!
(Clips of How the Grinch Stole Christmas play)
NC (vo): It doesn't mean it was good, but Carrey had a clear character: an eccentric grump. And his face was expressive enough to work its way through all that make-up. (Back to the movie) Myers seems to have two expressions: "pedo smile" and "happy-I-shit-my-pants". (Back to How the Grinch Stole Christmas) On top of that, Carrey had enough energy to become one with the costume. He can work with it to show how fully animated his body could be. (Back to the movie again) With Myers, it always looks like he's restrained by it, like he's fighting against it. Every time he's done with a take, it looks like he's gonna pass out on Dakota Fanning. Even the costume just looks like a cheap cut out you stick your face into. Except it's being worn by one of the Wayans brothers from White Chicks. I don't necessarily blame Myers for this. It's just, it wasn't the right casting. And to be fair, how can anyone make a joke like this in a Dr. Seuss movie work?
Cat: Humina humina humina humina! (he picks up a picture of their mother) Who is this? (he then pulls the picture apart like he's looking at a Playboy centerfold) Oooh! (And his hat gets a little taller)
Conrad: That's my mom.
Cat: Awkward. Yeah. (and his hat goes back to normal size)
NC: Really, Soulless? A dick innuendo joke?
Soulless: Well, that was just to throw in a little dirty humor for the adults.
NC: Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?
Soulless: Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 (Rob Walker) and Analyst 2! (Malcolm)
NC: Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent. (Evilina nods)
Analyst 2: Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material.
Analyst 2: Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.
Analyst 1: You see, Critic, according to polls, or so we've been told, (various charts and graphs are shown) when kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old. They feel more grown up to be in on the gag. Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.
Analyst 2: The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too. (More charts are shown) It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you. We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.
Analyst 1: Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.
NC: But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll just keep asking for the same crap?
Analyst 1: Well, the chart says...
NC: I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!
Analyst 1: Well, the chart says...
NC: You are everything that's wrong with entertainment!
Analyst 1: But the chart says...
(NC reaches for the remote and turns it off, as well as the chart, freaking the Analysts out)
Analyst 1: There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss! (He pulls out a pistol and cocks it) And that's...(he then blows his brains out)
Analyst 2: (he picks up the gun) I'm coming with you! (and then he blows his own brains out)
Evilina: Hehe! That was funny!
(Soulless comes back and sees the dead Analysts)
Soulless: Who turned off the charts?! Did you turn off the charts?! I didn't turn off the charts!
NC (vo): So the Cat whips out a device called a "Phunometer", which you would think would show how "phunominally" annoying he is, but instead restates what we already knew.
Cat: You're a control freak and you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700, who's your insurance carrier?
Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
Fish: Me! Remember the fish?
NC (vo): Actually, no! We don't remember because this is the first time you've been introduced. Kind of late in the game to bring this character in out of nowhere, isn't it?
(Suddenly the Cat's dressed like Carmen Miranda!)
NC (vo): AAH! When did the Chiquita Banana become a mime?
Cat: (singing) There was this cat I knew back where I was bred/He never listened to a single thing his mother said...
NC (vo): You know, I sometimes wonder if this is all just a really wacky episode of To Catch A Predator.
Cat: So have fun, fun, fun/Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun. Just look at me!
NC (vo): No, I got it. I know what this is: this is one of those fake trailers before Tropic Thunder. (Clips of the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder) The one that looks real but is so goddamn stupid it couldn't possibly exist, except this one actually exists and you should cry because of it.
(The Cat tries to clean some cupcake mix (which exploded in the oven in an earlier scene) off the walls with a dress)
Kids: THAT'S MOM'S DRESS!!!!!!
Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.
Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. (He then snaps his fingers and bobs his head) Yeah. (and snaps his fingers again)
NC: ...You know, whenever I have too much hope, I'll just remember to play that scene to remind me that all is lost. (the scene plays again) All is lost.
Cat: These Things will not bite you, they wanna have fun. So without further ado, meet Thing 2 and Thing 1!
(He then opens the red crate that lets Thing 1 and 2 out)
(That makes NC and Evilina scream in fear (with Evilina's scream being Sherman Schrader's scream from Accepted)!)
NC (vo): When did Marge Simpson mutate with Alfred E. Neuman? Those are hideous!
Soulless: What? They look like the Dr. Seuss book!
(Evilina's still scared)
NC: Alright, first of all, when did you start following anything from the Dr. Seuss book?
NC (vo): Second, what makes something cute in a drawing doesn't necessarily make it cute in real life. In drawing, you can get away with leaving certain things out, like upper lips, per se. They would look like wrinkles if you put them in a drawing, but in real life, it looks fucking scary! The reason Cindy Lou was the only cute character in the Grinch was because she's the only one who was allowed to have an upper lip. Everyone else looked like a demon possessed Hungry Hungry Hippo! And these two look like the Shining girls if Bozo the Clown gave them Jager bombs!
(The family dog is then thrown out of the window and out of the house)
Conrad: Don't catch him! Aaah!
NC (vo): But, uh-oh, the dog gets away and they have to get it back!
Cat: (holds a hoe) Time to die.
Conrad: Cat, you scared him away! (He and Sally go after the dog)
Cat: (looking at the hoe in his hand) Dirty hoe.
(The two just stare at the TV. A cutout of Count Von Count from Sesame Street pops up in the lower right corner of the screen)
Count: 8! That's 8 times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave. Ah ah ah ah!
(The group chases the dog into a nearby birthday party)
Conrad: Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide!
(Kids come out of the house and the Cat takes the place of a piñata)
NC (vo): Oh, so they finally hanged him. That's nice.
(One of the kids whacks the Cat in the balls, making him scream before transitioning into a scene that has him in a dress, swinging on a swing, with a unicorn in the background and The Commodore's "Easy" (1977) playing before going back to the Cat screaming. NC and Evilina are at a loss for words at this scene. NC gets up off the couch and leaves as Borodin's Nocturne in D plays)
(NC is standing on a hill looking over a sunset, quite sad. The Nostalgia Critic logo comes up as we go to commercial)
(After the commercial break, we return to NC standing on the hill as his cell phone rings)
Evilina: Hello, Critic? Are you coming back?
NC: (sighs) I don't know, child... It's just... that last scene... what can somebody say to that?
Evilina: I don't know...
NC: I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress, and on a swing...
Evilina: With a unicorn...
NC: I have nothing for it... I have no jokes at all... Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that... I've lost my touch at making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that... "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me?
Evilina: I don't know, but my dad will kill you if he knows that you left me alone instead of babysitting.
NC: Yeah, I guess you're right... I'll be back soon.
(They both hang up and after a short while, NC walks back to the living room and sits back down)
NC: So, after that scene...
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Baldwin chases after them, but they escape through a kiosk where a party is going on... Yeah, that's... never explained - in fact, it's forgotten just as quickly as it's discovered - as they make their way back home.
(The Cat unveils his ride)
Cat: Here she is, the "Super-Luxurious, Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger."
Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last name we had. "Super-Hydraulic, Instantaneous Transporter." (Hint: "S.H.I.T.")
Conrad: Oh! You mean...
Cat: OH! Quick to the S.L.O.W.! (laughs and speeds off)
(NC and Evilina stare at the screen as the Count appears again)
Count: 9! That's 9 times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ah ah ah ah!
(Back to the film)
NC (vo): Only to discover that the Cat's magic box has been left open and is spreading chaos everywhere. But, let's be really honest, it's just trying to look like one of the Seuss attractions at Universal Studios. Don't believe me? They literally say it.
(Cat, Sally and Conrad are sliding down a log-flume-esque ride)
Conrad: THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S LIKE A RIDE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK!!!
Cat: You mean like at... (movie pauses as he holds up brochures of the park, looking at the audience) Universal Studios. (laughs and winks) Cha-ching. (Cash register sound plays over that before the movie continues)
NC (vo): Yes, you just saw that: He literally directly advertised to you Universal Studios. I don't think the entire running time of The Wizard is as big a sellout as that mere couple of seconds of Mike Myers winking. In fact, I think every Dr. Seuss movie can be summed up in that one gesture. Painfully obvious references? [one cha-ching] Totally unneeded adult jokes? [another cha-ching] Appealing desperately to the lowest common denominator the same way Michael Bay appeals to penises and Stephanie Meyer appeals to vaginas? [Three cha-chings in quick succession] In fact, why don't we just make this the new Dr. Seuss logo?
[Cut to the "A Cat in the Hat Presentation" Logo]
NC (vo): Dr. Seuss!
(The image of the Cat is suddenly replaced by Lickboot from Tom and Jerry: The Movie)
Lickboot: We've GOT to have... MONEY!
(Then, footage of the Cat saying cha-ching)
(Back to the movie, once again)
NC (vo): So they find the crate and finally close it. All's awful that ends awful. But, wait! The place is still a mess!
Conrad: You need to get out.
Cat: But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. And you don't know when enough is enough.
Kids: (simultaneously point to the front door) OUT!
NC (vo): Finally! The only justified moment in this film! I just wish it happened an hour and a half ago.
(Cat comes back with a huge machine to help clean up the wrecked house)
NC (vo): But, if you know the story - oh, let's face it, it doesn't matter if you do; they follow it so rarely - the Cat comes in and fixes everything. And it wouldn't be a shitty Dr. Seuss movie if we didn't have a shitty pop song for the soundtrack.
(The Things help out as well as "Getting Better" by Smash Mouth plays over that scene)
NC (vo): And you're not gonna believe it...but, they literally reference that selling point, too.
Cat: We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack. That's important.
NC: Oh, for God's sake... Soulless, why are you being so obvious with how evil you are?!
Soulless: Well, it's Hit Writing Fact #1: "If you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid."
Evilina: Oh, I see. Critic, I'm going to hit you. (hits NC on the cheek)
Evilina: You can't scream. It's no longer painful and stupid.
NC: (hits Evilina on the back of the head) YES, IT IS! This whole movie is! (Evilina is on the verge of crying) SHUT UP! (Evilina immediately stops crying)
(Back to the movie; it reaches its ending)
NC (vo): Even with its dumbass ending of Mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped, and the party going great!
Soulless: But... by having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.
NC: No. Every single thing you said, you got backwards.
(Footage of the movie plays over dialogue)
NC (vo): By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernizing the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect. I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated. They don't need to be fixed. They don't even really need to have movies made about them!
(Cut back to the living room)
NC: But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.
Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material! (scoffs) They're just simple kid's books!
(NC stands up and goes into an in-depth speech)
NC: No. They're NOT just simple kid's books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget - and for good reason! They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings and endearing morals. And the idea of this... (clips of the movie play) shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness - also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.
Evilina: (tugs at NC's coat) Critic? (NC looks at her) I think I like your book better than I like the movie.
NC: (smiles) So do I, kiddo. So do I.
Soulless: No. No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm going to show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them! (lightning strikes and thunderclap sound plays - NC and Evilina look shocked as various scenes described by Soulless are shown on screen)
Soulless: "The Grinch" with dog butt-kissing...
NC and Evilina: NO!
Soulless: "Horton Hears a Who" with anime references!
NC and Evilina: NO!
Soulless: "THE LORAX" WITH TAYLOR SWIFT! AND ZAC EFRON!!!!! (laughs evilly)
NC and Evilina: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
(As this is going on, Satan returns!)
Satan: Did somebody miss her daddy? How's my little-? (notices Soulless on TV) Hey...I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies!
Satan: Oh, yeah... I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.
Evilina: That almost rhymes!
Soulless: It's not true. It's simply not true!
Satan: And now, it's time to return the favor. (snaps his fingers)
Soulless: Wha-?! AAAAAAH!!!!! (falls into the pits of Hell with fire appearing in his place)
NC: Hey, uh... I know it's not my place or anything, but, uh, could I throw in a suggestion torture?
Satan: Sure. What?
(NC whispers to him what he wants Satan to do)
Satan: You want me to do what with the fork?
(NC whispers again and explains)
Satan: (smiles) Buddy, I like the way you think.
NC: (chuckles) Well, you gave me a lot to work with.
Satan: (chuckles) Come, my little hellspawn! (takes Evilina's hand and they leave)
NC: (waves good-bye) Enjoy that book! Well, maybe there's some hope after all. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it--
Soulless (os): HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?! AAAAAAH!! AH! AAAAH! AH!!!
NC: While others would like to forget. (walks off-screen as Soulless continues screaming - plays Cat snapping his fingers and bobbing his head one last time)
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