The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover

Cook thief bhh

Date Aired
February 27, 2014
Running Time

[Shortened version of Brows Held High intro]

[Fade in to Oan reading a black leather-cased menu with a red marker; notice how unlike previous episode that he has no pop filter on his microphone, due to the audio]

Oan: The soupe a l'oignon, the asperges au tiers, the cheddar rouget, the entree, I think I'll have the, um, poulet au lion. I think that should go nicely with a nice sparkling sauvignon blanc. Alright, thank you very much. [Hands the menu over to a person, who's offscreen. She's credited as Alessandra Dreyer, the Head Chef] Welcome to Brows Held High. I've been on vacation for a while, taking it easy. Soon after a nice meal and ... watched the BAFTAs last week.

[Cut to a clip from the British Academy of Film and Television Arts. A presenter stands onstage presenting the award.]

Presenter: The BAFTA for "Outstanding Contribution to British Cinema" goes to Peter Greenaway.

Oan [v/o]: I've talked about Peter Greenaway on this show before, in particular Nightwatching and Prospero's Books. [title cards for both shows are, well, shown] He is one of the most unique directors working today. He is delightfully idiosyncratic, remarkably pretentious, and I ... just love him to bits.

[Cut back to Oan]

Oan: I call him Petey Greens. [Dreyer gives a wineglass full of sauvignon blanc to him] Ah, thank you. [Joyfully takes a sip of the wine.]

[Cut to title sequence of this episodes film]

Oan [v/o]: I think it's high time to talk about his most commercially successful movie, that being of course "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover." The plot of the movie is ...

Oan: Well, it's about a cook, a thief, his wife, and her lover.

Oan [v/o]: Basically, it's about a thief, a gangster rather, who takes over a restaurant owned by a cook. He has a wife, who is very unhappy, so she takes a lover.

Oan: It's basically The Room.

[Montage of clips from CTWL where the audio is replaced by that of The Room]

(1. Albert and the gang are at the dining table.)

Albert: [with Tommy Wiseau's voice] Let's go eat, huh.

(2. Albert is drunk and slurring about his wife and touching her breasts.)

Albert: I'm tired, I'm wasted. I love you, darling.

(3. Albert, still drunk, is in the kitchen where he sexually abuses Georgina.)

Lisa: He's not what you think he is. He got drunk last night, and he hit me.

(4. Georgina is at the table talking about herself to Michael.)

Georgina: [with Lisa's voice] I don't love him anymore.

(5. Michael is at his table gazing and flirting at Georgina)

Michael: [with Mark's voice] The sexy dress, I mean, what's going on here?

(6. Georgina and Michael are near the bathroom doors. Georgina grabs Michael's hand and presses it on her chest.)

Georgina: I like you, very much, lover boy.

(7. Georgina and Michael are having sex in the food storage in the kitchen. The song "You are My Rose" plays during the scene.)

(8. Albert physically abuses Georgina in the kitchen.)

Albert: How dare you talk to me like that. You should tell me everything.

(9. Albert searches for Georgina while throwing food around and making a mess in the kitchen.)

Albert: You BITCH!

(10. Albert swears a threat on Michael.)

Albert: Everybody betrayed me. I'm fed up with this world.

(11. Pup serves dinner in the bookstore to Michael and Georgina.)

Michael: [with Tommy Wiseau's voice, for some reason] Denny, do you have something else to do?

Pup: [with Denny's voice] I just like to watch you guys.

Oan: And in being a Peter Greenaway film, it just delves right into the poo-poo and pee-pee right ... [Dreyer serves Oan the bowl of Soupe a l'Oignon] Ah, thank you very much. Right into the poo-poo and pee-pee in the very first scene.

[Cut to opening scene, Albert's gang has Roy nude, smeared feces on his body, strapped to the ground, and Albert pisses on him.]

Albert: Now, I'll give you a good dinner. You're gonna have a nice clean. Now, you behave yourself in the future and pay for what I ask you or next time I'm gonna make you eat your own shit.

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