And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Day The Earth Stood Still."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy called Klaatu.
Only he's not really a guy.
He's an alien!
And he takes on the most strangest, bizarre form you've ever seen!
He takes on the form of Keanu Reeves!
And there's a woman who has a kid.
And she's like the greatest mother in the world!
She finds out a meteor is gonna crash into New York City.
And rather than tell her kid to get out of there, she says, "Love you." "Click."
What a parent! I would've been panicking, telling my kid to get out of there!
She'd much rather let him die peacefully than....live.
So, the alien comes down to Earth in a giant, rotten grapefruit.
And he's like, "We come in peace."
And the soldiers are like, "Bang!" "Eugh!" (Mimics falling after being shot)
So, they rush him to a hospital as quickly as possible.
And when the Keanu Reeves alien wakes up, he's like, "Dude, you shot me. Bummer!"
So, the scientists are giving him this lie detector test.
But then, through magic alien powers, Keanu Reeves is giving HIM the lie detector test!
He's like, "How do I get out of here?" "Just go through the door."
"Where can I get some clothes?" "Take mine - they're too itchy."
"Did you like 'Sweet November'?" "It was cliched and implausible."
"You die!" (punches) "Eugh!"
So, Keanu Reeves escapes from the hostipal.
But he's like, "Dude, I need a ride! Dude, where's my car?"
So, that nice mother woman decides to drive him around.
And she's such a good mother that she brings her kid along on this most certainly dangerous mission.
I wish my mother would do that!
If I didn't eat her.
So, the mother is like, "Are you going to kill us?"
And Reeves is like, "Yah! This planet is totally bogus!"
"Oh, bummer." "That's MY line!"
So, he unleashes this giant robot thing Gort.
Gort. What kind of a name is that?
It sounds like a Swedish dessert made out of pig testicles.
So, Gort is like a bajillion feet tall.
And you might be thinking, "What is he gonna do?"
Is he gonna zap all the people?
Blow up some buildings?
Eat Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh so people can think for themselves again?
No! He decides to turn into mosquitoes! ...Mosquitoes!
That's a million times cooler than blowing things up!
I wish I could turn into mosquitoes! ...Wait, no I don't. That would be stupid.
So, the mosquitoes go flying around, sucking the life out of everything.
And Reeves is like, "Ha ha! The personality has already been sucked out of me! Tubular!"
But then, he sees that the mother and the son actually love each other.
Because they come together and talk about the father's death.
One. Year. After. He. Died!
What a great mother!
I would've talked about it a week, maybe even a day after he died.
But a year? ...That's ingenius!
So, Reeves is like, "Whoa, there's two nice people on this planet. I better stop destroying it!"
The only problem is he doesn't know how.
I guess this advanced alien race doesn't believe in turn-off buttons.
Especially when it comes to destroying worlds, 'cause pfft, it's not important.
So, Reeves is like, "I'm just gonna put my hand on the ship and see what happens!" "...Whoa." "Poof!"
So, the Earth is safe at last!
Except all the lights and cars and electricity and the planet goes off.
But we didn't need that anyway!
I don't live with lights, cars or electricity, and I get along just fine!
Please shoot me.
So, this movie really was fantastitamic!
It's not like that boring black and white movie with social commentary and religious symbolism.
This movie has Theodore Logan in it!
Party on, Klaatu!
Party on, Gort!
(Mimics Bill & Ted guitar riff)
Party on indeed.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
I need money to protect myself from the aliens! Mosquito nets aren't cheap, y'know!