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The Expendables

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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Expendables."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(Does Stallone impression) Ya ya ya ya spoilers ya ya...

So, there's this movie called "The Expendables."

And it stars, oh, everybody in the friggin' universe!

You have Sylvester Stallone. *Does gibberish Stallone impression*

Jason Statham. *Does gibberish English impression*

Jet Li. *Does gibberish Asian impression*

Bruce Willis. *Does gibberish soft-toned impression*

Arnold Schwarzenegger. *Does gibberish Schwarzenegger impression* California!

Mickey Rourke. *Does gibberish Rourke impression* You know eh yo eh yo eh yo...

And Dolph Lundgren! *Pauses, mouth open* ...I-I don't know his accent.

And they're out to stop the evil Eric Roberts.

I always knew that Eric Roberts was evil!

He only played the villain in...every single movie he was in!

That's a dead giveaway.

So, it turns out the CIA is sending in this group of "expendables."

Into the island of Velvita to stop a bunch of bad guys!

But, you see, Eric Roberts used to be a member of the CIA.

So, rather than the CIA taking him out, risking bad press, they send in the expendables in an evil double-cross! *narrows eyes and pauses*

...But who cares?!

Shit blows up!

Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom!

Guns are shot!

(Acts as if rapidly shooting a machine gun)

Knives are thrown!

(Pretends to throw knives, hitting himself several times) Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!

Women scream!

"Save me! I'm a dumbass in distress!"

And our actors say things that you can't possibly comprehend!

(Does gibberish Stallone, Statham, Li, Rourke, Willis and Schwarzenegger impressiona, then pauses) ...I'm Dolph Lundgren.

Well, that's...kinda true. You see, Schwarzenegger and Willis only make a brief cameo.

You see, Willis is like, "Do stuff."

  • As Stallone* "Okay."

And Schwarzenegger is like, *walks by* "I am Arnold Schwarzenegger. Bye."

But who cares? It's friggin' awesome!

Just seeing them in the same room is so cool!

They could be putting horseshoes together and the world could still explode.

Actually, that's pretty much what happens!

Not the horseshoe part, the world exploding!

I mean it! Like, everything blows up in this film!

(Pretends to charge with knife) Die!

Kaboom!

(Pretends to point gun) Ah-ha!

Kaboom!

Meow!? *long pause*

Kaboom!

There's so much testosterone in this movie that my balls literally went out and killed a wild boar!

And ate it! Yes! My balls ate a wild boar!

I ate a wild boar once!

It was kinda like that, except it was my balls!

Seriously, the only thing missing from this movie was Van Damme, Seagal and Snipes.

But I heard Van Damme didn't do it because he's an idiot.

Snipes didn't do it 'cause he cheated on his taxes.

And Seagal didn't do it because I refer you to the Van Damme statement.

But it was awesome! It was so awesome!!

It was just like "Commando" and all those other cheesy action films.

It's like the '80s were alive and well again!

And not like those high school kids who are like, "Hey, we have no identity. Let's rip off the '80s."

I mean like the real legit shit!

So if you wanna see shit blow up, shit blow up, or shit blow up, I highly recommend fireworks.

But after that, this movie!

My testicles killed a wild boar!!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll translate what everybody in the movie was saying! (Does gibberish Stallone, Statham and Li impressions)

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