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The First Couple: TMNT

NC-First-Couple-TMNT-episodes

Released
December 29, 2010
Running time
26:44
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to, and welcome to a new portion of the show I like to call “Raiders of the Story Arc.”

(The “Raiders of the Story Arc” logo is shown in the style of the “Indiana Jones” movie series, accompanied by Indiana Jones’ theme music)

NC: This is where I take a popular nostalgic show and look over the first few episodes to see if it still holds up. With that said, “Teenage Mutant Fucking Ninja Turtles”!

(The title screen for the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” 1980s TV series is shown, followed by clips from its introduction)

NC (voiceover): As you all know, I loved Ninja Turtles growing up. I was a hero in a half shell junkie. But now that I’m older, is the show really as good as I remember it? We know the movies definitely have flaws, but what about the television show that turned these reptiles into household names? (Images of the Renaissance artists Leonardo Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael are shown quickly) I mean, after they were already household names.

NC: Well, I’m gonna look at the first episodes to find out, the ones from the three VHSs that we all watched in the ‘80s and ‘90s. (Covers for those VHS videos are shown briefly) So let’s not waste any time and start with “Turtle Tracks.”

(The title card for the episode “Turtle Tracks” is presented before the episode begins)

NC (voiceover): Here we go, the very first episode of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” It starts out in New York City. The crime wave is high with muggings mysterious!

Partners –N- Crime (from the “Turtle Power” music video): (raps along with two of the ninja turtles) Our police and detectives are furious.

NC (voiceover): And, of course, the reporter leading the story on these crimes is good old April O’Neil.

April O’Neil: (begins her report) Ninjas.

NC (voiceover): Ohh, I just remember the reasons I love her so much. (cut to a close-up of April’s top half, with NC referring to her breasts) One on the left, and one on the right.

Professor: (points to cuts made on a doorway) These incisions could only have been made with a samurai sword. (He picks up a piece of rope near a tied-up policeman in a chair) And look at this rope. This can only be the work of ninjas, the ancient band of Japanese warriors.

April: And how can you tell that from the rope, Professor?

Professor: Well, look for yourself. (Cut to a close-up of the rope with the label “Japan” on it) It’s made in Japan.

NC: Whoa, that shut me up!

NC (voiceover): So we see the Shredder watches the reporters through a secret camera and he sends the cast of “Mad Max: The Musical” to put a stop to their story.

Rocksteady: (to April while holding a club in his hands) We got a message for you from the big boss man. He wants you to stick to reporting fashion shows.

April: (bends down to pick up her video camera) Here, catch!

(April throws the camera at Rocksteady to distract him while throwing herself to ducking low next to a street gutter and climb through it, entering the sewers)

NC (voiceover): Uh, bullshit! With breasts that big, you wouldn’t be able to fit in a pipe from “Super Mario Brothers”! (A screenshot of Mario standing on a pipe in the NES video game version of “Super Mario Brothers” is shown briefly) But unfortunately, she forgot that she can’t go through fucking walls and gets herself cornered.

Rocksteady: Sign-off time, April O’Neil. (He readies his club but then is struck in the chest by a Bo staff)

Donatello: (speaks off-screen) Chill out, home-boy.

NC (voiceover): But of course, our green friends come to save her as April can’t believe her eyes.

April: I don’t know who you are, but thanks! (The ninja turtles step out of the shadows to reveal themselves) You’re…not human! (She becomes woozy) I can’t handle this. (She faints)

NC (voiceover): So she wakes up in the turtles’ home and passes out again (after seeing Splinter at first sight).

Raphael: I wish she’d stop doing that.

NC (voiceover): When she wakes up for a second time, the turtles’ master—a rat named Splinter—explains who they are.

Splinter: The story of my young friends and I is really the story of a man named Hamato Yoshi.

(Flashback to the past)

NC (voiceover): He says his name used to be Hamato Yoshi and he was the master of a martial arts clan known as the Foot in Japan, until his enemy named Oroku Saki literally stabbed him in the back.

(As a sensei and two of his assistants walk past Oroku and other students who bow to them on their knees in respect, Hamato is unable to bow since the back of his uniform is pinned down on the wall with Oroku’s knife; he removes the knife off the wall)

Sensei’s Assistant: So you plot to kill our honorable sensei?

NC (voiceover): Their sensei—who looks like a scrotum massage ball—looks over the situation and says…

Sensei: Throw the bum out!

Splinter: (narrates) A disgrace, Yoshi fled to America. Penniless, he was forced to live in the sewers.

NC (Voiceover): Wait a minute, why did he go directly to the sewers? There’s shelters in New York!

NC: And if he’s penniless, how did he get to America in the first place? And why doesn’t he get a job?! Those last two sentences are really flawed.

NC (voiceover): OK, so while living in the sewers with the rats, four baby turtles drop down the drain and he decides to take care of them as well. He seems to live a decent life—most likely stealing everything he possesses—but then he arrives home to a shock.

(Hamato gasps at the sight of the baby turtles crawling around in a mysterious ooze)

Splinter: (narrates) It was a powerful mutagen. It caused whoever touched it to take on the form of whatever animal they had most recently been in contact with.

NC (voiceover): Yeah, this was back in the day when science goo could just…do anything. You could make up the most absurd reasoning that has no scientific logic but, it’s science goo, so it flies.

NC: For example, let’s see what happens when I take this jar of Philadelphia cream cheese (He puts down one on the table in front of him) and pour some science goo all over it. (He pours an opaque liquid onto the cream cheese container until it magically turns into a doll in a box) DAMMIT! It always turns into a 12-inch talking doll of Dennis Miller! Science fucking sucks, man! Science fucking sucks! (He pouts in his seat for a second before pushing a button on the back of the box to make the doll talk)

Dennis Miller Doll: Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

NC (voiceover): So since the turtles have most recently been in contact with Splinter, they turn human. And since Splinter has most recently been in contact with the turtles, he turns…into a rat. (Pauses) Eh, what? OK. He names them after the Renaissance painters because Lord knows the show has to teach kids something, and raises them in the art of ninjitsu.

(Back to the present)

Splinter: And that is how they became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

NC: (as Splinter) Trademark Splinter 1989!

NC (voiceover): So they decide to help April out in discovering who’s been committing all these crimes. But as you’d imagine, they don’t fit in very well.

Old Lady: (screams) Ahhh! Monsters! Ahhh!

NC: OK, we all know this gag. The woman overreacts and runs away screaming while—

(Instead, the old lady pulls out a rifle from her shopping cart and kicks the cart aside)

NC (voiceover): HOLY SHIT!

Old Lady: One twitch and you’re history, scum! Now, back off! Nice and easy. (April and the Turtles have their arms in the air and walk away together slowly)

NC: (as the Old Lady) Moses from “Planet of the Apes” says it’s my right to own one of these things, and by God, I’m gonna exorcise that right!

NC (voiceover): So they get those famous trench coats and hats that, of course, fool everybody into thinking they’re NOT turtles as they come across…for a lack of a better name…the Ninja District.

Raphael: Ninja Dry Cleaners?

Michelangelo: Ninja Shoe Repair?

April: Ninja Video Rentals?

Donatello: Ninja Dentist? Ow!

NC (voiceover): You know what the funny thing is? These all sound like movie titles for, like, a Syfy channel Ninja Movie Week.

(A fake TV promo advertisement plays out as NC speaks as an announcer featuring Photoshopped images of ninjas handling dry cleaning, shining shoes, posing for a video store, and doing dentist work on a patient)

Announcer: Coming soon on Ninja Movie Week: “Ninja Dry Cleaner,” “Ninja Shoe Repair,” “Ninja Video Rental,” and “Ninja Dentist.” Coming this week on…See-Fee? S-Y-F-Y? Err…that wrestling channel!

NC (voiceover): So I guess the idea is that the ninjas work for the Shredder and hide in plain sight in the Ninja District, as the Shredder keeps a close eye on his enemies.

Shredder: This April O’Neil is getting closer to my operation. I blame myself.

Peter Venkman (from “Ghostbusters”): So do I.

Shredder: I should not have sent a punk to do a ninja’s job.

NC (voiceover): So April finds a security building in the Ninja District that just happens to be the headquarters of the Foot Clan.

Receptionist: I got another scientific equipment company lined up, just waiting to be cleaned out.

(April backs out of the building quietly; cut later to her calling from a telephone booth to tell her boss)

April: I found ‘em! Send a camera crew to— (A Foot Clan member’s hand appears out of nowhere to cover her mouth and bring her out of the booth and be bound by the hands of other Foot Clan members; she muffles during that time)

NC: (as April’s boss, writes down something on his table while on the phone) Alright, “Send a camera crew to Mmm-mmm-mmm.” By any chance, is that off of “HEEEELLLLPPPP!!!” Street?

NC (voiceover): So the turtles follow the clues to where April is being held, and they are attacked by the Foot Clan, which, it turns out, is just a bunch of robots.

Michelangelo: Robots? Let’s rock! (He starts fighting the clan members, as well as the other turtles)

NC (voiceover): Robots that still use ninjitsu weapons. (Beat) Yeah, by this point, I bet Shredder is seriously wondering why he didn’t just put guns on these guys. Hell, even old ladies on the street seem to have guns in this world, and yet these guys are still fighting with sticks and arrows?! Alien technology is nice, but a bullet is still a bullet!

(Cut to the four turtles pushing against a brick wall to make it crumble on top of the remaining clan members, and it does; the turtles approach April (tied up in rope in a chair) and Michelangelo helps free her)

April: They’re getting [away!]

NC (voiceover): Whoa, wait a minute! (He rewinds the footage to the point where Michelangelo has his hand on her chest in order to free her from the rope; NC does a close-up on this) Hello! Looks like somebody’s trying to cop a shell! No wonder she keeps getting kidnapped all the time. She’s just looking for a turtle feel-down!

(Sexy music plays with the caption “Turtle Squeeze” at the top of the screen as we get a bit of Michelangelo “groping” April played repeatedly; Cut to April and the turtles running up to the edge of the building to look over and see other Foot Clan members…doing something that looks like exercising on top of another building)

NC (voiceover): Uh…what are they doing down there? (NC does a close-up on the Foot Clan) Did the Foot in the middle of escaping decide to start sweating to the oldies?

Richard Simmons (from a “Sweating to the Oldies” video): It’s sweatin’ time! (He starts leading his exercisers; this intercuts with footage of the Foot “exercising”)

NC (voiceover): But the Foot escape on the ground and flood the rest of the building, as Splinter fears that the Shredder might also be his mortal enemy Oraku Saki, which closes out our first episode and leads to the next one entitled…

(The title screen for the episode “Enter the Shredder” is shown)

NC: (appears stunned) What was the title of that one again…?

(The same title screen is shown again)

NC: (recoils in disgust) D’oooh! Geez, man! I mean…doesn’t that hurt? (Beat) I-Is he still wearing the sharp…D’oooh, I don’t want to think about it! Oh! (He brings up the Dennis Miller Doll again) God, I need another Dennis Miller joke to get my mind off of that. (He presses a button on the back of the box)

Dennis Miller Doll: You know, other than the bombs they strap to their chest, I have absolutely no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

NC: (laughs uproariously before he cuts himself off) I don’t get it.

NC (voiceover): So we start where the last episode left off as the turtles are trying to find the Shredder’s giant vehicle called the Technodrome. What’s a Technodrome, you might ask? (A full shot of the Technodrome is shown) THAT’S a Technodrome. (He chuckles) What the hell is the giant eye on top of that thing for, anyway? Is that really how Shredder sees things?

NC: I always wanted to draw a little smiley face on there just to complete the image. (A Photoshopped image of a smile on the Technodrome is shown briefly)

Shredder: (drives the Technodrome) I don’t believe it!

NC (voiceover): And yeah, I bet you didn’t know the Technodrome was a stick-shift, either!

NC: We’re finding out so much today!

Krang: (through a speaker) This is Krang. Report to me at once.

NC (voiceover): So the Shredder goes to visit Krang, a talking tumor with arms that sort of sounds like that grandpa who can only eat applesauce.

Krang: I have given you vast technical knowledge.

NC (voiceover): And by the way, because people will kill me if I don’t bring it up again, that is Uncle Phil playing the Shredder. (An image of James Avery is shown next to Shredder) And yes, it is hilarious to dub the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” over his voice.

Krang: No force on earth could stop me.

Uncle Phil (from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”): (dubs over Shredder) I’m gonna tie this place up with so much litigation, that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers! (Audience cheering is heard briefly)

NC (voiceover): So it turns out Krang is from another dimension called Dimension X, and all he wants from Shredder is…take a guess.

Krang: A body.(several times)

(Cut to a clip from an old screen song sing-along with four men singing and a bouncing ball over the lyrics)

Singers: I ain’t got no-body…

(Back to the episode)

NC (voiceover): So to swing the deal, Krang exchanges some information. He tells him that the Shredder could just use the mutagen that was used on the turtles also on his own henchmen.

Krang: But suppose Yoshi had been near a more powerful animal. (He licks his lips)

Shredder: Mutate my own people. The possibilities are endless!

NC: (as Shredder) I think I’ll do it twice and then never again. (He raises his fists in the air and pumps them in triumph) Oh, the possibilities!

NC (voiceover): So he (Shredder) steals two animals from the zoo and talks to his henchmen to see who’s up for a night of ungodly genetic realignment.

Shredder: I need volunteers.

Henchmen: No way. Not me. Uh-uh.

Shredder: I need two of you for an experiment.

Rocksteady: Oh, forget it.

Shredder: It will give you strength and powers un-dreamed of.

Bebop: So what?

NC (voiceover): Yeah, this is what happens when Shredder uses Craigslist to get his henchmen.

(A screenshot of a fake Craigslist ad is shown with NC reading off the following as Shredder)

NC (voiceover): (as Shredder) Wanted: FOOLS to join my giant mutant army of NINJAS! Must like animals.

(NOTE: Also at the bottom of the ad, it says “Do you like ninjas? Do you like mutants? Are you a fool? Apply at the Technodrome (the giant killer golfball located conveniently hundreds of feet under the city)”)

NC (voiceover): So eventually, he gets two volunteers and turns them into the mutants Bebop and Rocksteady. Meanwhile, the turtles investigate the zoo robbery and… (The turtles climb down a hole and land deep underground)…come across the Technodrome! (chuckles a bit) Wait a minute! How come the police, while investigating the robbery, didn’t just, oh, I don’t know, look down the freakin’ hole?! Didn’t they think that if they just took a peek for a second, maybe they come across a giant mechanical Faberge egg of death?

NC: I mean, just look, guys!

Leonardo: Master Splinter’s walking stick.

Donatello: He must be in trouble.

Shredder: (speaks from an intercom and laughs) If you want to see him again, you’ll have to come in.

NC (voiceover): So the turtles go inside and come across a bunch of death machines.

(The turtles proceed to fight against the death machines)

NC (voiceover): So while fighting these killer appliances, Donatello says one of the strangest out-of-context lines ever.

Donatello: (raises his Bo staff high after defeating a machine) Turtles fight with honor!

(NC looks puzzled)

Donatello: Turtles fight with honor!

NC: (shrugs in utter confusion) …Yes! Because…a turtle would never knock out a robot’s lights dishonorably! You should know that, audience! It’s something the Biker Mice from Mars would do!

(All the machines are eventually defeated)

NC (voiceover): So they find a device that…I guess they assume is a bomb, get trapped in a corner with the supposed bomb, strap it to a wall praying it’s a bomb, and—wouldn’t you know it?—it happens to be a bomb.

(The turtles run through the hole made by the bomb)

NC (voiceover): (as Donatello) Turtles cheat with honor!

NC (voiceover): (normal) They see that Splinter’s been kidnapped and the Shredder reveals himself, telling the truth about his backstory.

Shredder: It was I who made you what you are today.

(Flashback to the past)

Shredder: (narrates) If not for me, Hamato Yoshi would never had left Japan. (cut to a screen of a surveillance camera following Hamato Yoshi walking through the sewers) I followed…

NC (voiceover): OK, where is the Shredder getting these cameras?! I mean, it’s one thing to have surveillance cameras, but they seem to be getting shots that nobody could get!

NC: I mean is there just…a Foot cameraman walking around and everybody’s too polite to point them out? (Such a Photoshopped image is shown briefly) I mean seriously, dude! How are you getting these?

(Back to the present)

Shredder: Bebop! Rocksteady! Destroy them!

(The turtles jump high into the air before Bebop and Rocksteady collide into each other, and the turtles defeat the other Foot Clan members)

NC (voiceover): (as Shredder) In hindsight, I really should’ve planned this out better.

(Leonardo leaps up to cut the rope Splinter is tied to, and Raphael catches him)

Raphael: Come on, Splinter. We’re checkin’ out of this dump.

NC (voiceover): So Bebop and Rocksteady try to blast them again, but the turtles trap them and leave them behind. Thus ends episode 2 as we begin the third episode “A Thing About Rats.” This one starts with an inventor named Baxter Stockman, who’s created these robots called Mousers that can apparently hunt out rats anywhere.

(During a lab test, a Mouser does catch a rat after eating its way through the maze)

Baxter Stockman: (to a businessman) You see? There’s no place for pests to hide from my Mousers.

Businessman: Get outta here! (Baxter gets tossed out the door) Gets rid of all rats, huh? (He steps in the doorway) What, are you crazy? You want to drive me out of business?

NC: (as the businessman) You want to make me a millionaire, which is exterminating the world? What’s wrong with you?

(Shredder appears in the shadows near Baxter)

Shredder: A short-sighted fool doesn’t know what he’s missing.

Baxter: (stutters in fear) Who-who are you?

Shredder: Someone who wants to produce your Mousers on a vast scale.

NC (voiceover): Now, really, folks. If you’re approached by a person with a business proposition who looks like Darth Vader mixed with a cheese grater, you probably shouldn’t do business with him; just straight-up common sense. So Stockman makes a bunch of these Mousers, and the Shredder sends them out to kill Splinter. But the turtles arrive in time to save him.

Michelangelo: (examines a destroyed Mouser) Where’d these metal maniacs come from?

Raphael: Where do you think, Michelangelo?

Donatello: (reads a label on one of the Mousers) Trademark Baxter Stockman Inventions.

NC: (as Donatello, pretending to read a label) A division of Shredder Co.

NC (voiceover): So they go to April to see if they can figure out where to find this Baxter guy.

Michelangelo: We’re looking for the genius who built this. (He holds up a Mouser head)

Leonardo: His name is Baxter Stockman.

April: That’s all you’ve got to go on? A name?

NC: (as April) I mean it’s not like the Internet’s been invented yet!

NC (voiceover): So she finds the information and the turtles go looking for him. But we also find out that they may not have much time.

Shredder: (to Baxter) Don’t you wish to see the fruits of your labor?

Baxter: (holds his head in frustration) No! I’m tired.

Shredder: Very well. Go! (Baxter sadly leaves before Shredder speaks to his Foot clansmen) He knows too much. Put him out of the way.

NC (voiceover): Eh, I dunno, Shredder. This guy just made you a death weapon with a warthog, a rhinoceros, ninja robots, and not once asked any questions. I’d say this guy is worth keeping around.

(Baxter arrives at his home and is about to open the front door until he sees a group of Foot clansmen at his front steps)

Baxter: Oh, what do you want now?

NC (voiceover): Again, the turtles save him in time and find out that the next bunch (of Mousers) are being sent to April’s apartment, where Splinter is also.

(The turtles swing in through April’s patio doors)

Raphael: (kicks a Mouser in the jaw) Out of my way, big mouth!

(While the turtles continue fighting the Mousers, pieces of April’s apartment start to crumble and fall to the floor)

Donatello: I don’t like the sound of that.

Leonardo: Ropes!

(April, Splinter and the turtles swing out through the porch and away from the building just before it gives way and falls to the ground)

NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, the loss of innocent life!

NC: (sobs) Lord knows how many innocent families were in there and now suddenly dead! Oh, my God! The impact this must have on our heroes!

April: Boy, they sure don’t build them like they used to!

NC: (stares in disbelief) Inconsiderate bitch!

NC (voiceover): What the hell would you say if you just saw the Hindenburg disaster?

NC: (acts innocent) Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s! (yells in anger) THE FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOU?!

(A screenshot of April is shown with the following text spoken by a deep voice said by NC)

Voice: You are a terrible person.

NC (voiceover): So they find where the Shredder’s hiding and Michelangelo sneaks in and tries to stop the master control. And to give Shredder credit, this time, he actually is using a gun. (Shredder shoots at Michelangelo, who ducks out of the way, allowing the laser to hit the master control) And now we can see why he never uses it.

Shredder: Noooo! Nooo!

NC (voiceover): So Donatello reprograms the Mousers to tear down the house by simply pushing one button over and over, but the Shredder gets away again in the Technodrome.

Raphael: That’s the end of the Mousers.

Leonardo: Yes, but what about Michelangelo?

(April and the turtles hurry into the now-destroyed area, leaving Splinter just standing there)

NC (voiceover): Really, Splinter? You’re just gonna stand there? One of your students might be dying, and you’re not even gonna give a gasp of disbelief?

NC: That’s pretty soulless.

NC (voiceover): (as Splinter) Oh, I never liked him, anyway. I care not for the party dudes.

NC (voiceover): (normal) But they see he’s OK as we move onto our next episode “Hot Rodding Teenagers from Dimension X.” Isn’t that a funky title? And just sort of a side note here, most kids saw these few episodes on VHS, as they didn’t run the first episodes on TV that often. We loved them and all, but there was one major problem with it: On this VHS (“Hot Rodding Teenagers”), they got episodes three and four backwards, so they would show “Hot Rodding Teenagers” first before they would show the one with the Mousers. Now, with that in mind, just imagine you’re a kid and you’re watching this episode without any knowledge of the Mouser episode you just saw.

(During the following conversation, we see clips of NC shrugging and looking confused at what he sees, pretending to be a kid who had not seen the Mouser episode beforehand)

Michelangelo: But, like, what if Baxter comes back?

April: (laughs) Baxter won’t be back for a long time, Michelangelo.

Raphael: The authorities didn’t appreciate when he tried to take over the city with his Mouser robots.

April: And I didn’t appreciate it when they ate my apartment!

NC: (as a kid) WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I mean, who’s Baxter Stockman? April’s ex-husband?

NC (voiceover): OK, well, luckily, the DVD has them in order, and this one begins with Donatello putting together the Turtle Van, because, as we heard in the opening, Donatello does machines.

(An image of Rosie the Robot from “The Jetsons” is shown)

NC (voicoever): No, not like that. I…you’re gross.

(Back to the episode)

NC (voiceover): But Shredder has another plan. He’s going to open up the portal to Dimension X and bring some of Krang’s armies over, which begs the question why he hasn’t just done this before, but if I’m gonna point the lacks of logic in this show, we’re gonna be here forever. Two soldiers come out of the portal, but so do some rambunctious kids called the Neutrinos.

Dask: Yeah, this place is Dumpsville, man! Let’s cut out.

NC (voiceover): Why is it they look like Vanilla Ice if they just got out of Tron? (Images of Vanilla Ice and a screenshot of a player from “Tron” is shown side by side with Dask)

Kala: (refers to New York City’s layout) Daddy-o! This is one happenin’ primitive society!

Zak: Cool? Daddy-o, we are frozen!

NC: (clutches his head in fear) Oh, my God, it’s the worst combination possible! Beatniks AND hippies!

NC (voiceover): So after they get the van put together, the turtles find out that them (the stone warriors) and the Neutrinos are on the same side. The Neutrinos actually hate Dimension X, as it seems to be nothing but wars.

April: What is this Dimension X?

Dask: It’s Grimsville.

Zak: All the grownups ever do is fight!

Kala: Us Neutrinos are the only ones who like having fun, and most of the time, the grownups won’t let us. (She starts crying) You don’t know what it’s like, living in a place where everybody wants to do you in, just for the crime of being young!

NC: (sobs) When will people realize the importance of Dimension X awareness? (He slams his hands on his desk) WHEN?!

NC (voiceover): But the stone warriors from Dimension X find them and try to hunt them down.

Leonardo: (to the Neutrinos) We said we wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, and we mean it. Come on!

(As the turtles leap out of the broken restaurant window to attack, they freeze in mid-air, presumably by the freeze gun coming from one of the stone warriors; we only hear the sound of laser firing, but not see any lasers coming out of the gun)

NC (voiceover): Uh, guys? You may want to actually fire those weapons instead of just making laser sounds with your mouths.

(The clip of the turtles freezing in mid-air and the stone warrior shooting is shown again before cutting to NC pretending to fire with a gun)

NC: Pyew! Pyew, pyew, pyew! Pyew!

NC (voiceover): But the turtles escape and consult Master Splinter about what to do next.

Zak: Neutrinos, we’ve got to stop Krang!

Raphael: Turtles, we’ve got to help them do it!

Michelangelo: Don’t worry, Kala. We won’t let anything happen to you.

NC: Whoa! I’m sensing some strange sporadic sexual tension in the sewers today.

(A screenshot of Michelangelo and Kala are shown with the caption “YAY! Out of nowhere pointless romances!” being shown and a cheering crowd heard in the background)

NC (voiceover): (as Donatello) Turtles fight with jailbait!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So the turtles reach the Technodrome and… (laughs) Wait! How do they just drive the van hundreds of feet underground?

NC: What, are there, like, tours that go through there?

NC (voiceover): (as a tour guide while a motor coach bus passes by the Technodrome) And to your right, you’ll see a giant Lego igloo.

NC (voiceover): (as the tourists) Ooooh!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So the turtles break in and start up a fight.

Michelangelo: (rides with the Neutrinos in their car as lasers are being fired at them) There he is! He’s the brains of this operation.

(NC has an image of Brain (from “Pinky and the Brain”) appear between the stone warriors)

Brain (from “Pinky and the Brain”): (audio) Are you pondering what I’m pondering?

(Cut to Michelangelo and Donatello off to one side near the portal)

Donatello: Michelangelo, there’s a barrel of silicone lubricant over there!

NC (voiceover): Um, lubricant? (Beat) Are you sure that wasn’t intended for a previous episode? (The title screen for the episode “Enter the Shredder” is shown briefly)

(Cut to the stone warriors losing their balance in the spilled lubricant before Michelangelo and Donatello push them both through the portal)

Donatello: OK, Neutrinos. It’s your turn.

Kala: (waves goodbye in the flying car) Goodbye, you crazy turtles. We’ll miss you.

(The Neutrinos fly through the portal)

Michelangelo: We’ll miss you, too. (Tears start to run down his face)

(Respective shots of Kala and Michelangelo are shown with Celine Dion singing in the background)

Celine Dion (from the “My Heart Will Go On” music video): (audio, sings) You’re here, there’s nothing I fear.

NC: Theirs was truly a…strange love.

NC (voiceover): But the turtles have to leave to stop one of the stone warrior’s weapons from destroying the city. They knock it out and head back home, which leads to the final episode in our story arc, “Shredder and Splintered.” (Beat) How confusing. It starts out with the Shredder appearing on the turtles’ TV saying he has a device to turn the mutations back to their original form.

Shredder: (on the TV) This is the only thing that can restore Splinter to the form Hamato Yoshi. If you want it, come get it.

NC (voiceover): You know, something I never got is that Shredder has known for a long time where the turtles are, so why doesn’t he just take that big fucking Technodrome and squash ‘em?! This whole series would be over if you just use that fucking thing!

(Cut to NC’s animation of the turtles in a big brick room)

NC (voiceover): (as one of the turtles) Alright, dudes, let’s go find the Shred—

(The Technodrome bursts through the wall and runs over all the turtles, killing them; it then scrapes over them a couple times to confirm they’re dead)

(Back to the episode)

NC (voiceover): So they (the turtles) try to use one of the leftover Neutrinos cars to get there.

(All the turtles fly out of the hole and ride in the Neutrino car)

Raphael: Ow! Now we’re cookin’ with gas! Come on! Yay!

NC (voiceover): But that doesn’t seem to work well.

(The car stalls and lowers to the ground)

Turtles: What now? Come on, who bought this gelatinous piece of junk?

(Cut to Donatello examining the engine under the hood)

Donatello: Hmm, looks like we’re out of fuel.

Michelangelo: What sort of juice does this crate take?

Donatello: Uh, plutonium, I think. (He slams the hood down)

Raphael: Aw, terrific. Maybe we can get a tow to the nearest plutonium station.

Marty McFly (from “Back to the Future”): You don’t just walk into a store and buy plutonium.

NC (voiceover): So Donatello says he can whip up another form of transportation at Baxter’s lab, but Bebop and Rocksteady find them and try to bash their brains out.

(Cut to Bebop and Rocksteady in a trash pile dumped on them from a garbage truck and wet concrete from a cement truck starts to pour out onto them)

Raphael: Sorry, boys, we got to build a parking lot for your plan.

NC (voiceover): (as Donatello) Turtles fight with cement!

Bebop: Come back here and fight!

NC (voiceover): So as the turtles finally make it to the Technodrome, the Shredder at long last constructs a body for Krang and—Holy hell, who the fuck designed that? That is, like, the strangest, most bizarre…THING I’ve ever seen in my life! He looks like a mix between Dolph Lundgren and that weird giant from “Goonies.” (Ivan Drago from “Rocky IV” and Sloth from “The Goonies” are shown side by side with Krang’s body) I mean, was Boy George designing a wrestler?

(Cut to outside the Technodrome with Krang’s body growing to giant size before the turtles)

Krang: Now, wretched reptiles, you will face the wrath of Krang!

NC (voiceover): While that’s going on, April goes back to work to try and get a camera crew to film all the action.

April: I’m trying to get a story for you!

Burne Thompson (April’s Boss): Trying? Four green maniacs are running loose in this town, and you haven’t brought me…diddly-squat!

NC: Whoa, hey, watch the language, pal!

(Footage of Burne saying the word “Diddly-squat!” upon close-up on his mouth is played again in slow motion)

NC: Any further, and we’d be in fiddle-dee-dee territory.

NC (voiceover): But luckily, she uses all her coaxing techniques to get what she wants. And by coaxing, I mean terrorist threats.

April: (holds out a small turtle shell she pulled out) It’s a hyper turtle death ray! Now, order me a news crew, or I’ll turn this whole place into a flaming rubble!

Ian Malcolm (from “Jurassic Park”): She’s, um…tenacious.

NC (voiceover): So Krang makes himself bigger and gets ready to destroy the turtles. But just then, Donatello arrives with his new invention.

Donatello: (while guiding the Turtle Blimp and having dropped down a rope ladder) Come on, guys! (All the turtles climb up and join him) Welcome aboard the Turtle Blimp.

NC (voiceover): (laughs) Well, wait! So he took a piece of equipment the size of a couch and made a freakin’ blimp out of it? He’s like the MacGyver of gods! So two of them sneak into Krang’s body and try to find the device to shrink him down.

Donatello: (points) There it is!

(The camera pans to where the Molecular Amplication Unit is located)

Leonardo: (readies one of his katanas) Let’s cut it out of there. (He tries attacking the unit repeatedly, but nothing works)

NC: (rests his head on one hand looking unimpressed) So this is the leader out of the four, huh? Hey, uh, have you ever thought about maybe…

(Donatello uses his Bo staff to quickly strike through the unit, destroying it)

NC: Yeah!

Krang: (as he shrinks down in size) Nooooooo!

NC (voiceover): So Krang shrinks down, but Shredder whips out his ray and gets ready to turn them (the turtles) back into ordinary turtles.

Raphael: (is scared) Well, gang, looks like it’s back to the old pet shop for us!

Shredder: Far from it. Tonight, I dine on turtle soup.

Uncle Phil (from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”): With…pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes. (Audience laughter is heard)

(Splinter comes out to throw his walking stick at Shredder’s ray gun, destroying it)

Shredder: NOOOO!

NC (voiceover): So the ray is destroyed, but the turtles decide it’s time to stop the Shredder once and for all. So Donatello—who, did I mention, does machines?—figures out the alien technology and sucks the Technodrome itself into Dimension X.

(The Technodrome disappears within itself into Dimension X, leaving the turtles behind)

NC (voiceover): (as Donatello) Turtles unrealistically master alien technology with honor!

(Cut to the Technodrome in Dimension X)

Shredder: Nooo!

Krang: At last! I can conquer my own dimension!

Shredder: (whines) But I don’t wanna conquer this place! (He takes off his mask, revealing his face) I want to conquer Earth!

NC: (laughs) I love it when the Shredder is just a whiney bitch. That’s when he’s the funniest.

Shredder: (whines) I want to conquer Earth!

NC: (as Shredder) I’m an evil mastermind! Now, give me my Earth! (He sucks on his thumb like a baby)

(Clips from the first five TMNT episodes play out as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): And those are the first five “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” cartoons. Are they silly? Yes, but for what they’re worth, they’re kind of fun. There’s a lot of good fourth-wall jokes, and the animation on the action scenes is actually pretty impressive at the time. It’s definitely clumsy, though. There’s a lot of wrong voices coming out of the wrong turtles, and there’s a lot of plot threads that also don’t make a lot of sense. For the time, it was pretty good, but it’s definitely aged. However, for my money, I still got some good laughs and good action out of it. As kids shows go, it’s stupid, but it’s enjoyably stupid, and a ton of fun to watch. If you’re ever feeling nostalgic for some awesome turtle action, this is the place to go.

NC: So thanks for watching my first Raiders of the Story Arc. I hope you enjoyed it, and…hey! Next month is January! You know what that means! (Beat) SEQUEL MONTH!! (His smiling face turns into a frightened one as he pulls out the Dennis Miller Doll once more to press a button behind it)

Dennis Miller Doll: That’s the news, and I am outta here. (It laughs)

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline—Donatello: Turtles fight with honor!


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