February 13, 2009
We see the Nostalgia Critic looking away from the camera. He looks toward the camera and then holds up a cue card
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
He tosses the cue card away and brings up another, it will be like this the rest of the video
NC: You might be wondering why I'm not talking in this episode. Well, it turns out I threw out my voice from yelling so much at today's movie. It's THAT bad. So I have to do the whole review like this. It blows monkeys! I feel like I'm on The Newlywed Game. In the Ass? (he gives a sarcastic soundless laugh) So which movie caused me to lose my angelic voice? I'll tell you... THE GOOD SON!!!
Footage of the movie begins to play to evil dramatic music, instead of a voice over we are given subtitles
NC: The film that teaches us that kids aren't just born evil, they're born REALLY evil. It seems to think that child psychology is more a diversion from the real truth that deep down, all kids just want to be unsuccessful James Bond villains.
NC: But don't take my poorly written cue cards for it, let's take a look!
NC: The film stars Macaulay Culkin... (he gives a disgusted look) ...as he plays the cousin of another kid, played by Elijah Wood, looking strangely older than he does in the Lord of the Rings movies. He's sad because his mother is suffering from the always fatal 'pale complexion disease'.
Janice: I'll always be with you, Mark.
Mark: You're not gonna die because I won't let you.
NC: One death later, Wood finds that he's without a mother. His father tries to be there for him, but finds out that if he goes on a certain business trip, he'll be set for life and thus have more time to spend with his son afterward. Financially stable or Abandoning your son in his time of need psychologically scarring him for life?
A Cha-Ching sound is made and we cut to Mark and his Dad driving in the desert
NC: So he drops him off at his brother's house, who apparently has kids that are his age. But little Elijah still has his doubts.
Jack: Mark, I know you're hurting, but please don't shut me out like this.
Mark: She's coming back. She's gonna come back.
NC: Oh, YEAH! He's okay to leave alone! (Mark is shown hopping out of the car and running off into the barren landscape as his Dad mildly tries to call him back) The father, of course, tends to his heartbroken child BY NOT EVEN GETTING OUT OF THE CAR!!!!
NC: Stop. I love you and stuff.
Next scene where they're driving up to the house. Mark enters and we see the Mom and the sister
NC: They finally reach the abandoning grounds as he's introduced to his uncle's family. (A loud high pitched scream is heard. As Mark looks around we see Culkin's character hanging partially upside down wearing a white plaster mask) And, of course, we meet the little Hellspawn himself, Henry.
Father: Henry, come on down here.
NC: He just created a mask made out of toasted Rhino splooge and he shares it with his new friend.
Henry: Here. I made two of them, so we can be brothers.
Aunt: Oh, well, as if one wasn't enough.
A bizarrely long clip of Henry and Mark staring at each others eyes commences. The Critic looks on at this, confused as to why it's so long.
Cut to the father leaving the house
NC: So Daddy finally takes off as he explains to his son why he's being such a money grubbing jackass.
Dad: Mark, you understand, don't you? I'm leaving you now, so I....so I never have to leave you again.
Charge music plays as we see The Critic smiling widely looking excited
NC: BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!!
We cut to Mark running down the stairs as the Aunt tells him to slow down as he comes to dinner
NC: So we see Wood interact with the family, including his aunt.
Aunt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. How about some breakfast?
NC: Something about her doesn't seem right, she seems too innocent.
Aunt: Sleep okay last night?
NC: It's like every second she's posing for a family friendly commercial.
The same scene plays as commercial music plays. The Critic's voice is heard in a voiceover speaking as if he's in a commercial. At the end, the Folgers logo appears on screen.
NC (voiceover): Good times, good memories, good gracious, what a day. Folgers...partaking in every artificial moment.
We then cut to Mark and Henry running through a graveyard as they come to a well in the middle and stop there.
NC: So Wood plays around with Culkin running around and such. When we first get our glimpse of evil from him.
Culkin is seen taking a cigarette and lighting it.
NC: GASP! HE STARTS SMOKING!!!
Looking frustrated, the Critic pulls out a cue card
NC: So? Drew Barrymore was on that stuff at half your age!
Henry: Go on.
Mark: They give you cancer.
Henry: Who cares? You're gonna die, anyway.
NC: When did this turn into an after school special?
It cuts to the clip of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles drug PSA asking what Joey should do in the case of being offered drugs. It cuts to loud shouting as Mark takes the cigarette
NC: Then we get our next taste of Culkin's diabolical nature.
Henry: What did your mom look like the last time you saw her?
Mark: Kinda pale.
Henry: Kinda pale. I took a real good look when my kid brother Richard drowned in the bathtub.
Mark: Your brother drowned?
Henry: He was completely blue. You should've looked at his eyes and his lips, and touched his skin to see what it felt like.
Giving an evil look to the camera, the Critic holds up the next cue card. He hisses after a few seconds pass
NC: Tell me about the lambs, Clarice...
Mark and Henry go into a shed to get Henry's deadly bolt shooter to have a go at shooting it
NC: Next, he takes him to see his 'Deadly Armed Weapon' playset as he builds a miniature gun that shoots screws and nails at people.
Henry: You pull the cable back to here. Go ahead, lock and load.
NC: He's like the MacGyver of possessed grade schoolers.
We see Henry aiming at a cat with his nail gun
Mark: Don't hit her. Just...give her a scare.
Culkin aims the gun and fires, barely missing the cat and hitting a tree
Mark: What a great shot!
Henry: Yeah. But the sight's not right yet.
The Critic rolls his eyes and sighs
NC: This is one giant wink! Every other second, there's another over-the-top clue to his evilness! Why don't you just add evil laughter after every scene?
Henry: Yeah. But the sight's not right yet.
The Critic is shown laughing over-the-top maniacally as evil laughter plays
Mark: Today was fun.
Henry: Tomorrow will be even better.
The Critic again laughs over the top to evil laughter
Henry: If I let you go, do you think you could fly?
The Critic laughs to the evil laugh track again
Aunt: You know, I spoke with Alice Davenport this morning.
Uncle: Oh, she's a therapist that works at the hospital?
The Critic shrugs and resumes with the evil laughter
Mark is seen walking up a hill and then cut to him sitting down to talk with his psychologist
NC: We then see Wood visiting a psychologist, trying to help him cope with his mother's death.
Mark: I guess when you make a promise...when something's your fault.
Psychologist: What did you do?
Mark: I let someone die.
Then the scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo is calling out to Gandalf trying to save him from falling after the bridge was destroyed to stop the Balrog is shown.
Frodo: GANDALF! NOOOOOOO!
NC: Cut to the night where Wood swears he sees his mother walking through the house. But it's just his aunt shooting another commercial.
The Critic then goes into commercial mode again
NC(voiceover): Can't sleep? Helping your nephew deal with dead mother issues? At least you're wearing a robe from Sears, making boys think their mothers have come back from the dead everyday.
NC: But Culkin doesn't like this Hallmark moment as the less than subtle camera angles inform us.
A small shoulder devil appears next to Henry
Devil: Do not worry, Culkin. Their love will be their downfall. Mwahahaha.
Cut to a scene where Mark and Henry are running through a wooded area
NC:As they walk through another Thomas Kinkade painting, Culkin tries his nail gun on some live prey.
Mark: Try to hit that sign!
Henry: Negative. Targeting.
We see Henry aiming at a dog before firing into it. The Critic looks shocked.
Henry: I was only trying to scare him.
NC: (looking horrified) Dude, imagine if he had that weapon in 'Home Alone'
We are shown the staircase scene where Marv and Harry get hit with paintcans intercut with Henry hiring his gun.
Harry: Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for ya.
Harry is seen getting shot in the head and falling on Marv
NC: Just as Wood is starting to realize there's something wrong with his new friend, Culkin takes him to meet his dummy replica of Wilson from Home Improvement.
Mark: Who is he?
Henry: Mr. Highway.
We see the boys holding Mr. Highway over a bridge
NC: Mr. Highway? I wonder why he's called Mr. High--Oh.
Mr. Highway is dropped onto the Highway causing a massive wreck much to Henry's delight. A clip of Home Alone is then shown
Kevin: (lip-syncing to the movie within a movie that he's watching) Keep the change, you filthy animal.
NC: So, yeah, Culkin's a psycho, and why doesn't Wood tell his parents about this?
Henry: Go ahead, tell them. Or better yet, we'll tell them together. "It was Mark, Dad. He talked me into it." Dad, Mark's got something to tell ya!
Uncle: What is it? What's wrong with Mark?
Henry: I dunno, he's been acting pretty weird. Let me go see if he's okay.
Evil laugh gag is shown again
Henry: I told my Dad I'd see if you were okay. Well, are you okay, Mark?
NC: Do I have to feed you to my man-eating sharks?
Connie: Guess what? Mom just said we can go skating tomorrow!
Henry: Connie, what did I tell you about coming into my room?
Connie: But you guys weren't working on anything.
Henry: You didn't answer my question, so I'm going to have to do it for you.
He proceeds to pull on her ears which causes her pain
Henry: You're not allowed to come into my room. Not now, not ever! Never!
NC: DON'T MAKE ME HAVE AN EMOTION!
Mark: (Grabs Henry) You're wrong about that!
Connie: Mom! Mom, they're fighting!
Henry: You like my sister, don't you? She's such a sweet little girl. Too bad if something would've happened to her, if she got hurt. You'd be upset, wouldn't you, Mark? But, hey, accidents will happen.
NC: (looking irritated) What kid talks like this!? It's like if Hannibal Lector and The Hal 9000 had a Devil Spawn.
He holds up a sign with Hannibal Lector + Hal 9000 = Henry as he makes a confused face.
Aunt: Boys, boys? Henry, what's going on?
Henry: I'm sorry, Mom. We were playing this really dumb game. We weren't fighting, we were just playing. Weren't we, Mark?
Henry is then shown with evil red eyes
Aunt: Well, just not so rough, okay? You sounded like you were going to kill each other.
NC: And what's up with this idiot mother? Does he need to grow HORNS in order for her to catch on?
NC: Things get worse when the parents leave the kids alone at the house as they go for a nice night out. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!? DON'T THEY GET A SITTER????? Why don't you buy them a pet cobra while you're at it?!
Mark runs around the house looking for Connie while the Critic makes faces and holds up a sign with the words "(Inaudible rage)" written on it.
NC: So Mark reads the little sister a bedtime story until she falls asleep.
Mark: ""Good night, little girls. Thank the Lord you are well. And now, go to sleep", said Miss Clavel."
NC: I guess nothing bad can happen here..
Henry: That was a darling story, Mark.
Mark: What are you doing?
Henry: I want to tuck in my kid sister.
NC: Just like Michael Jackson showed me.
Boos are heard as the Critic bows and says thank you
Henry: Such a sweet little thing. Do you really think I'd hurt her?
NC: Okay, this kid IS every cliche in the book! They're just one step away from holding a flashlight under his face.
Henry: What do you think this is, a game? (he says that line while holding a flashlight under his face)
The Critic is seen looking enraged over this, before writing a new card, which is his next line.
NC: Since I can't talk, I'm just gonna play some random sounds of miscellaneous violence.
He proceeds to pantomime shouting and screaming to loud random acts of violence being played.
NC: Things don't get much better as the next day, Culkin takes his sister to an ice ring. I'm sure nothing bad can happen he-Oh, popcorn!
Henry is shown to be slinging his sister off into thin ice where she proceeds to fall in and begins to drown
NC: She finds out she's literally on thin ice as she falls through, nearly drowning to death. Now wait a minute. How can a little girl fall through the ice and yet several HEAVIER people walk on it just fine? Why do you even need an ax is it's so thin? I mean, COME ON!
NC: It's that dramatically convenient HOLLYWOOD ice I've heard about!
NC: But the sinister Culkin is not pleased.
Henry is shown to be like The Terminator having vision with the word "Subject Not Terminated" in his vision.
NC: After about the FIFTH time he tries to kill someone, Wood finally decides to confess to Culkin's mother.
Mark: I don't think what happened at the pond was an accident.
Aunt: What do you mean?
Mark: Connie didn't just slip. You don't know what he is! Henry tried to kill Connie and he can do it agai-
Aunt: (smacks him) STOP IT! (then embraces him) Stop it! That's a lie!
The Critic looks stunned and shocked. He slaps himself and then hugs himself and replays the clip.
Aunt: (smacks him) STOP IT! (then embraces him) Stop it! That's a lie!
NC: This is why Culkin is so fucked up!
NC: Convinced that no one will believe him, Wood decides to go and tell his psychologist. But guess who happens to be there?
Henry: Hi, Mark.
Cut to a clip from Liar Liar
Fletcher: Holy Hell!
Back to The Good Son
NC: After Wood runs away in fear, Culkin begins to tell more lies about Wood's behavior.
Henry: He scares me sometimes.
Psychologist: What does he do?
Henry: Please don't ask me that. I can't you that.
Psychologist: Why not?
Henry: Because Mark's my friend.
NC: I love how a friggen' CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST can't tell that a kid talking like a damn robot is lying.
Psychologist: Please, Henry, tell me everything.
NC, annoyed, makes a car horn noise out of his mouth
NC: Wood finally proclaims to Culkin that it's war and that he's willing do anything to keep his family safe.
Mark: I guess you wouldn't understand that. But it's true. She's my mother now.
Henry: Hey, Mark....don't fuck with me.
The Critic looks with his jaw hanging open in amazement
NC: The "Home Alone" kid just said "Don't fuck with me."
Henry: Don't fuck with me.
NC: I can actually feel my childhood dying. It's going...going...dead.
An animation of a heart with "childhood" written on it floats up as he waves goodbye to it
NC: But Culkin isn't done yet, as he starts making yet even more threats towards killing his own mother.
Henry: Mark, did you cry at your mom's funeral?
Mark: You wouldn't.
Henry: Wouldn't what?
Mark: Hurt her.
Henry: Your mom, my mom. What the hell?
Mark: I'll kill you first.
Henry: Poor Mark, so violent.
Cut to Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi.
Palpatine: Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.
NC: Convinced he's lost his Hobbit mind, his uncle locks him up in the back room.
Uncle: You will stay in here until you are ready to talk. (Locks Mark in the room)
Mark: Uncle Wallace!
NC: After doing a thorough check of the room, he realizes there is no way out. Meanwhile, Culkin's mother stops taking stupid pills and asks Culkin about his brother's death.
Susan: You have to tell me the truth now. What happened the night Richard died?
Henry: I was downstairs playing.
Susan: Henry, don't lie to me. Now you tell me. Did you kill Richard?
Henry: What if I did?
"Duh duh DUHHH" music plays as the Critic makes an "oh, my" face, holding up a sign looking like this: :O
NC: Culkin then runs away as it suddenly becomes the opening to The Fugitive.
Susan: Henry! Henry! No! Henry!
Clips of The Fugitive are then spliced into clips of The Good Son.
Samuel Gerard: Ladies and gentlemen, our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes. What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse farmhouse, hen house, outhouse, and doghouse in that area!
NC: After reaching a cliff, Culkin fakes out his mother and pushes her off.
Henry: I guess you don't know me very well, Mom.
Henry raises a rock over his head to kill his mom
Susan: Henry, please! No!
NC: I'll raise your allowance!
NC: But Wood escapes as he tries to save his aunt from more of Culkin's hammy speeches.
Susan begins climbing up the cliff as Henry and Mark fight. The Critic goes into Commercial mode again
NC (voiceover): Doing some climbing? Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders? Your own son tried to kill you as he's fighting your nephew, turning your perception of reality completely upside down? Pepperidge Farm: 'Cause your life's really fucked up.
The fight causes the two boys to nearly fall off the cliff, with Susan hanging on to each one of their hands.
NC: Eventually, the mother is holding onto the two boys and has to choose which one she'll save. The choice is pretty easy.
For each son, he shows a list of movies that they'll star in and their success. For Wood, the list goes like this: Lord of the Rings, Sin City, Happy Feet, and many dollar signs. For Culkin, the list is: Richie Rich, Getting Even with Dad, The Nutcracker, and a caption saying "DROP HIM!". Susan ultimately chooses to save Wood, while Culkin falls to his death.
NC: So Culkin falls to his death, Elijah Wood is saved, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY???
A Terminator Culkin rises, making Godzilla roars
NC: For it turns out Culkin WAS an evil robot, bent ON RULING THE WORLD!!!!
Cut back to NC
NC: Okay, okay, that doesn't happen, but it might as well. This film is totally removed from reality!
A montage of clips in the movie is played set to evil villain music
NC: This is probably just some writer's way of coping with getting beat up by bullies in high school by explaining that they're just EVIL! Everything is false, completely over done, and hammed up.
Back to NC
NC: And, of course, it caused me to talk like Wile E. Coyote! Let's see if I can sum this movie up with one focused vocal chord.
He prepares for it and shouts:
He holds up two final cue cards
NC: At least I tried. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.