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The Happening

Nchappening

Released
January 16, 2016
Duration
27:04
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(We start off the episode with the Shyamalan Month opening, which has him dancing to the Looney Tunes theme)

Shyamalan: (singing) Why does everybody keep on hiring me? All of my work is shiiiit!

(Now we come to the Nostalgia Critic coming into the office)

NC: Hey, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Hey, Critic. Did you know that 1/3 of the world's oranges are grown in Brazil?

NC: What an odd thing to say.

Malcolm: Eh, I guess it's my quirk. Oranges.

NC: (confused) Okay, I'm gonna go shoot the review now.

(Now he comes across Tamara Chambers)

Tamara: As you know, there are two types of people in this world. Those who believe that evil is good and those who believe that evil is evil.

NC: Tamara, why are you spewing that sloppy, unfocused philosophy?

(Coming into the room is Jim Jarosz)

Jim: I hear you whispering. Plan on stealing something?

NC: Why is nobody talking right today?

Jim: Plan on murdering me in my sleep?

NC: What? Nooo! (realizing something) Wait a minute. It's affecting me now, too.

Malcolm: Around 85% of oranges are produced for juice.

Tamara: As you know, the world is filled with people who do not understand the ramifications of--

Jim: While you're here, I may as well make you suffer, but I really don't know why.

(Everyone starts talking over one another, making it hard to understand)

NC: My God. I know what this is. I know what's going on here. This is... (zoom in on NC's face) The Shyamalizing.

(A title card of The Shyamalizing appears with a background of floating clouds. NC then opens the door to the review room)

NC: Look, a camera we can all get obnoxiously close to!

(The group head into the room still in their monologues, with NC closing the door behind him)

NC: I should've seen the warning signs. The bad monotone acting, the dialogue that makes no sense whatsoever, and... (he reaches into his jacket, pulling out his phone) Europe loving all of this for some reason. (on the phone, a headline says "Shyamalan Big Hit in Europe" with a picture of him on it) Who knows who'll be next? If I'm not careful, all of us could end up like the actors from The Happening!

(Now we get to clips of the movie)

NC (vo): Based on a title so lazily vague that the film does everything in its power to justify it...

Elliot Moore: There's something happening in a few states./Could this really be happening?/Whatever's happening is happening...

(And we get clips of various people in the movie saying the word "happening")

NC (vo): The Happening has garnered a reputation as one of the most entertainingly bad movies ever made. Yep, right up there with (posters of) The Room, Troll 2, and (poster of Jupiter Ascending) give it time. For years, we've made references to this trainwreck, but have never given it a full review analyzing why it's so bad, it's...actually kind of amazing.

NC: So let's take a look to figure out what, how and...well, we'll never figure out why, it's Shyamalan. This is The Happening.

NC (vo): It starts off in New York as two women do what Shyamalan thinks two women do, read a book at the same time.

Woman #1: I forgot where I am.

Woman #2: You're at the place where the killers meet to decide what to do with the crippled girl. (Woman #1 chuckles) That's right.

NC: Good thing I was reading that exact same sentence.

NC (vo): As the crowd suddenly realizes they're on The Truman Show.

(A large crowd of people stare in awe at the sky as the two women watch. Woman #1 suddenly grabs a knife and stabs herself in the neck with it)

NC: Well, that's what I would do if I found out I was in The Happening.

NC (vo): Just down the street doesn't seem to be much better.

(A group of construction workers just witness one of their own dead)

Worker: Christ, McKenzie fell.

NC: Oh, no, not poor Christ McKenzie!

NC (vo): But it's raining men, as everybody's apparently committing suicide or having a hell of a time catching road runners. This leads us to our main character Elliot, played by Mark Wahlberg.

(Elliot Moore (Wahlberg) is teaching at a school classroom)

Elliot: Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?

NC: If you have not burst out into laughter yet from the mere delivery of that line, then you are watching the greatest drama you've ever seen in your life.

NC (vo): No, seriously, where's the real performance? That can't be for real.

Elliot: Scary, huh?

NC (vo): I mean, this is Mark Wahlberg, a pretty damn good actor. But I'm not kidding. He does the whole performance like this. It's like he's on a 2am infomercial.

Elliot: Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing?

NC: (Mimics Elliot) Scary, huh? Well, you can track them down with our new honeybee tracker. (A picture of a tracker is shown with the caption "Honey Bee Tracker - Only $99.99. Order while supplies and honeybees last!") Order now, and you'll also receive a free Sam Wow. (An image of that is shown)

NC (vo): As we quickly discover, he's not that great a teacher either.

Elliot: Jake? You don't have an opinion? (Jake nods no) You should be more interested in science, Jake. You know why?

NC: It'll make you talk like Luke Skywalker if his whiny-ness levels were pushed to 20?

Elliot: Because your face is perfect. If you were interested in science, you would know facts, like the human nose and ears grow a fraction of an inch every year. So a perfect balance of features now might not look so perfect five years from now. Take an interest in science.

NC: Yes. Take an interest in science after I literally insulted your face! Hey, Suzie? You interested in science? Well, that's because you're a slut!

NC (vo): In typical Shyamalan style, Jake comes up with the laziest answer worded in a way that's trying to sound important.

Jake: An act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.

NC: And that's how you got a D in this class, kid.

Elliot: Nice answer, Jake.

NC: Or "Nice answer, Jake".

Elliot: Science will come up with some reason to put in the books. We will fail to acknowledge that there are forces at work beyond our understanding.

NC (vo): Yeah, great science teacher there. Something, something, something...magic. Like all great scholars, he acknowledges that science is just a temporary solution for the real answer, which is just shrugging our arms saying...

NC: (Scoffs) I don't know.

(The vice principal comes in. This causes Elliot to pretend to be scared)

Elliot: The Dark Lord! Don't look into her eyes. (Makes a ghostly noise as he turns off the lights, which the vice principal turns back on) Vice Principal, what can I do for you?

NC: Well, you can clear out your desk, asshole. What do you think I'm gonna say after that?!

NC (vo): So while the teachers are forced to abandon their students...typical protocol?...as they're all gathered in one room to be told about the crisis sweeping America.

Principal: Central Park was just hit by what seems to be a terrorist attack. It's some kind of airborne chemical toxin that's been released in and around the park. There appears to be an event happening.

NC: Okay, that's a tragedy or an emergency. An "event" is a sale at Target. You know, for teachers, you're not very good with words!

Elliot: Central Park? That's kind of odd.

NC: (Mimics Elliot) Yeah, terrorists rarely go after landmarks with lots of people.

NC (vo): This means all the students are let out early.

Elliot: What are the rules of scientific investigation?

Elliot and students: Identify variables. Design the experiment. Careful observation and measurement. (NC is confused) Interpretation of experimental data.

NC: Jesus Christ. And don't forget to recite the first two chapters of Moby Dick!

NC (vo; mimicking Elliot and the students): "Call me Ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse..."

(Elliot's friend, Julian, talks to Elliot)

Julian: My mother just called my cell again. She's hysterical.

NC (vo): So while Wahlberg's friend, played by John Leguizamo, establishes his strange quirk, being his mother...

Julian: I told her the probability of something happening in Philadelphia is very low.

NC: (Mimics Julian) Hey, you stand out now!

NC (vo): We're introduced to Alma, played by Zooey Deschanel.

Julian: She's leaving you?

Elliot: I didn't say that. It's just talk, okay? Just relax, please.

NC: Oh, no, we're at that Shyamalan stage where...

(Tamara, Jim and Malcolm suddenly come in. As Tamara and Jim talk, Malcolm is in the background, playing with two oranges)

Tamara: Critic, as you know, Jim and I have decided we're in love, even though we have no chemistry at all.

NC: (Sarcastic) Whoopee-de-doo.

Jim: No, it's bad. We're having trouble in our relationship. We fear we'll never be a couple again.

NC: No, no, that's just the Shyamalan talking.

NC (vo): He always has a couple that's going through problems...

NC: ...but is obviously going to get together in the end!

Tamara: No, Critic. As you know, this is pretty serious. We're having some incredibly vague problems that only a supernatural event can fix.

Malcolm: Will you two be quiet? Oranges!

NC: Look, just stay in there, try to use logic, and for the love of God, don't be quirky!

Jim: But quirky is charming.

NC: No, Jim! It's awkward! AWKWARD!!

Malcolm: (Speaking high-pitched) There are 600 varieties of oranges!

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): As you'd imagine, Deschanel's acting is about as bad as everyone else's, but there is a certain alien freakiness about her facial expressions. (Alma's wide-eyed expression is shown through several scenes) Yeah, she looks like this throughout the entire film. It's like in every shot, she realized she shit her pants, and she wants nobody to realize it.

(A montage of Alma's scenes is shown as farting sounds are heard throughout)

NC (vo): Her delivery isn't much better either.

Alma: It makes you kill yourself. Just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.

NC: (Laughs) How do you even direct somebody to say a line that way?

NC (vo; as the director): All right, Zooey, I want you to act...

NC: ...like you're deaf. But in saying this line, you're hearing yourself for the first time, and you don't enjoy what you sound like.

Alma: It makes you kill yourself. Just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil that could be invented.

NC: (Beat) That was definitely...a thing.

NC (vo): So Wahlberg says he'll meet Deschanel and Leguizamo at the train station.

Julian: Where's Alma?

Elliot: Restroom.

(The old Shyamalan panning shot does its thing to show Alma)

Alma: Hey, Julian.

NC: Why the hell did you shoot it like that? Are you trying to make it look like a stalker?

(The shot is played again, with scary, intense music playing)

Alma: Hey, Julian.

(NC screams and runs away. A crash is heard offscreen)

Man: My cabbages!

Jess (Julian's daughter): Hey, Alma.

Alma: How are you doing?

Jess: Hanging in there.

NC (vo): Mm-hm. Typical seven-year-old response.

NC: (Mimics Jess) Hanging in there. Still looking for a job, got those bills to pay. It's hard being a single mother.

NC (vo): So while on the train, they're being told that the panic is spreading.

Elliot: Are you okay?

Alma: They say Boston got hit, too.

Elliot: Where'd you hear that?

Alma: A friend from work. What about Evette?

NC: (Annoyed) Christ, that college girl who took theatre as a blow-off class is acting better than you!

NC (vo): The train stops suddenly as it looks like they're kicking everybody off.

Elliot: What do you mean? Where are we?

Train conductor: Filbert, Pennsylvania.

Elliot: Does anybody know where that is? Hey, why would you just stop...?

NC: You know, if you could take the whining of a dog and convert it into a language, it'd be this performance.

Julian: Sorry. She [Jess] whispers stuff when she gets scared.

Alma: We're so much the same, Jess. I don't like to show my emotions either.

NC: (Snickers) Yeah, to quote Wahlberg from earlier...

Elliot: Duh!

NC: With a capital "Uh!"

NC (vo): And the danger still seems to be spreading, as one man says farewell to arms in the lion's den.

(Elliot and a woman watch the horrific scene from a cell phone)

Woman: Mother of God, what kind of terrorists are these?

NC: They're such hairy and yellow terrorists. They must be from the land of Oz!

NC (vo): So everybody takes off as the virus seems to be right in their neighborhood, and Leguizamo decides to leave his daughter with Wahlberg so he can go back for his wife...because, things always turn out well for people who do that, right?

Julian: She's gonna be a lot safer with you. I have to go.

Alma: I got her, Julian.

Julian: Don't take my daughter's hand unless you mean it.

NC: Oh, I'm sorry. Why don't you find another couple to look after the daughter you're lovingly abandoning? You're welcome, asshole!

(As Julian drives off in his car, another car driven by a nursery owner and his wife stops next to Elliot, Alma and Jess)

Alma: There's a car.

NC: Very good, Zooey. Now can you tell which one's the plane? (Images of a plane, a pirate ship, and a helicopter appear below NC)

NC (vo): So Wahlberg's gang gets a ride with a guy who runs a plant nursery poorly located next to a nuclear power plant.

NC: Why do I get the feeling this is all streaming from there?

(As the main characters drive past the nuclear power plant, voices of Homer Simpson and Mr. Burns are heard)

Homer: D'oh! Mr. Burns, I'm afraid I caused the Happening.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, you idiot! Now we're trapped in an M. Night Shymolian (sic) film, and not one of the good ones! Either of them! (Chuckles)

NC (vo): They collect a few things before they go, when this...bit of strangeness is said.

Nursery guy: We're packing hot dogs for the road. You know, hot dogs get a bad rap. They've got a cool shape, they've got protein. You like hot dogs, right?

(Elliot shrugs. NC shrugs as well)

NC: Brought to you by Hot Dogs! Wanna be less cautious about where your meat comes from than Chicken McNuggets? Hot Dogs!

Nursery guy: I think I know what's causing this thing.

Elliot: You do?

Nursery guy: It's the plants.

NC: (Stunned) Wait, what?

Nursery guy: It's the plants. They can release chemicals.

(NC is completely stunned)

NC: Wow. That's...actually the twist of the movie. It's plants. I know it seems like I'm giving some stuff away early here, but the movie is giving some stuff away earlier here, so what do I care?

NC (vo): We're not even one third into the film and you already gave away the big twist!

Nursery guy: (To Alma) You like hot dogs, don't you?

NC: Followed by that! (Now confused as ever) Do you need to go back to Film 101?

NC (vo): I think most people know this. You don't give away the twist before you give...away...the twist! You wouldn't open Citizen Kane with...

Charles Kane: It's a sled!

NC: It's kind of a no-brainer!

(Malcolm, Tamara and Jim come back)

Tamara: Critic, as you know, we know what's caused the Shyamalization.

NC: Okay, what?

Jim: The walls.

(The corners of the walls are shown in several shots as loud drums sound)

NC: No, we're not doing that.

Tamara: As you know, it makes a lot of sense. If they use lead paints...

NC: No, even for a parody, we're not doing that.

Malcolm: You know, oranges typically contain 10 segments. Maybe one of them contains Shyamalization.

NC: Fine. Make a connection to that, but we're not doing goddamn walls!

Jim: How are we supposed to make oranges the twist?

NC: I don't know! If the friggin' Giving Tree can be an antagonist in a movie, why can't oranges?! Now get cracking!

(Pause)

Malcolm: You guys like oranges, right?

(And we go to a commercial. After commercial, we see Julian driving in his car, driving past dead people who are hanged on trees)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Leguizamo's gang is not doing very well as they come across a bunch of people who saw early screenings of the movie.

(A girl screams)

Julian: I'm gonna give you a math riddle, okay? And you're gonna tell me the answer.

Girl: What?

NC: It's quirky and weird! Which, to some writers, equals brilliant and mind-blowing!

Julian: How much would you have if I said I would pay you a penny on the first day, and then two pennies on the second, and then four pennies on the third day, and I just kept doubling it and I did this for a month?

NC: Oh, I know this one! It's "Screw you! Everybody hates math! We're all gonna DIE!"

NC (vo): But he notices a hole, which he could easily plug up, but...doesn't...as it causes them all to naturally go insane.

(Julian is out of the car, sitting in the middle of the road)

NC (vo; mimics Julian): My name's Luigi Mario. I'm a Puerto Rican-Italian raised by a British-Italian who's both my father and my brother. I'm fighting a germaphobe dinosaur who's turned Lance Henriksen into a mushroom and thinks ordering a pizza is funny.

NC (vo): Wahlberg's gang runs across a guy from the military who also is unsure of what direction to go.

Nursery guy: (Speaking with Private Auster) There's a town about eight miles behind us. There were bodies on the road into town.

Private Auster: Cheese and crackers.

NC: (Confused) Were you just hungry when you wrote this? Cheese and crackers, hot dogs, honeybees? Was this sponsored by the Food Network?

NC (vo): But our weird Shyamalan one-shot reveals that other people are confused where to go as well. So they travel in one large group, but one woman gets a call from her daughter in Princeton.

Elliot: Tell her not to go near the window with the tree. Just tell her.

Woman: (On the phone) Baby, don't go near the window with the tree.

Elliot: Ask her if Princeton's been affected.

NC: (Mimics the nursery guy) Ask her if she likes hot dogs!

Woman: Honey? Honey, you're talking funny. What's wrong with you?

NC: How can you tell? Nobody's acted normal in this movie since it was greenlit.

NC (vo): So everybody tries to figure out where to go next.

Man: If we go west, we'll hit a county called Arundell. Dirt roads. Hardly anybody lives out there.

NC: They'll sing a song so much, you'll want to stab your ears out with an ice pick, but aside from that, they're cool. (An image of Anna and Elsa from Frozen appears next to NC)

NC (vo): But something else in this movie is starting to blow.

Private Auster: MY FIREARM IS MY FRIEND!

Nursery guy: Private Auster?

NC (vo; mimics Auster): Toaster strudel and syrup!

Private Auster: My firearm is my friend!

NC (vo; mimics Auster): Oh, ketchup and hashbrowns! Rat feces and Denny's!

(Auster shoots his gun off-screen as everyone reacts in shock. Elliot realizes something)

Elliot: Oh, no.

Alma: What "oh, no"?

Elliot: The toxin?

NC: (Sighs in annoyance) Why do you say things like you're on a kid's show where the kids are supposed to answer back?

(An animated version of Elliot is shown speaking to children viewers. His lines all come from Elliot in the movie)

Animated Elliot: Look, I don't know if you guys have heard about this article in the New York Times about honeybees vanishing? (Pauses for the children to answer) Nice answer. Filbert? Does anybody know where that is? (Pauses for the children to answer) That's right. The toxin? (Pauses for the children to answer) What? No!

(Back to the movie)

Alma: We need to do something!

Elliot: Just let me think.

Woman: They're dying!

Elliot: I need a second.

Alma: We can't just stand here as uninvolved observers!

NC: (Completely annoyed at the way Alma said her line) WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?! This isn't how we act! This is how a computer thinks we act!

(Various characters are shown)

NC (vo): We're uninvolved observers. Probability is very low. How shall we react to dead people? A MATH PROBLEM!

NC: I think this was a joint writing team between HAL 9000 and GLaDOS!

Alma: Tell us what to do!

Elliot: I need a second, okay?! Why can't anybody give me a goddamn second?! (The camera moves closer to Elliot's face in a wide-angle close-up) All right, be scientific, douchebag...

NC: Okay, back away from the camera, guy. You're gonna blow snot on the lens.

Elliot: What if it is the plants?

NC: Oh, you mean that thing we already said it was?

Elliot: (From earlier in the film) Duh!

(Elliot and his gang run away from a strange wind blowing. A tornado is added into the shot, with Shyamalan's face in the tornado)

Shyamalan: Auntie Em, what a twist-er! What a twist-er!

NC (vo): They find their way into a model house where everything seems to be fake, so, naturally, considering their acting, they mistake props for human beings.

(Elliot speaks with a large plant)

Elliot: My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner.

NC: Yeah, this is happening, people.

Elliot: We're just here to use the bathroom, and then we're just gonna leave. I hope that's okay.

NC: (Mimics Elliot) Until then, I hope you don't mind if we put these folks on our Most Wanted list.

(The Most Wanted list is shown, with the list revealed to be images of the tree from The Wizard of Oz, Treebeard from Lord of the Rings, Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas, and Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. The caption at the bottom says, "For suspicion of supplying lame plot twist too early in a film. Suspects are extremely dangerous and are expected to be armed with branches, apples, and "the toxins?")

NC (vo): Nothing against your kind, but if there's anything we Americans like...

NC: ...it's racial profiling.

NC (vo): But another group of people are coming, so they run past this obvious metaphor, fearing that the group will become too big and they'll get infected. Though...again, the way they're talking, how can you tell they're not affected?

Boy: You got kids?

Elliot: No.

Boy: How come? You got a problem?

Elliot: She wanted to wait.

Boy: You need to take personal responsibility for yourself in a relationship.

Elliot: Hey, that's not a toy. It's got meaning to me.

NC: So, the kids are talking about a meaningful relationship, while the adult is whining to be given his toy ring back? Is Shyamalan dyslexic with age numbers? Does he constantly get them backwards?

NC (vo): So after Zooey admits she had tiramisu with a guy late one night, and, of course, she mentions it was tiramisu because...

NC: I just assumed this was all written at a buffet somewhere. (A menu is showing saying, "Hot dogs, cheese and crackers, honey, and tiramisu)

NC (vo): Wahlberg decides he wants to confess something, too.

Alma: Jess needs a 10-minute rest and some food.

Elliot: We should keep going. If we're going to die, I want you to know something. I was in the pharmacy a while ago, and there was a really good-looking pharmacist behind the counter.

NC: Uh, didn't you just say you should keep going? This...doesn't seem like the time for...pharmacy store confessions.

Elliot: And I went up and I asked her where the cough syrup was. I didn't even have a cough. And I almost bought it.

(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)

Dude: Oh, no.

NC (vo): So they decide to drop by a house.

Elliot: (Standing in front of a door) Is there any way we could get some food? We have a little girl. We just want to get her some food.

Man: (From inside the house) You best leave now.

NC (vo; mimics Elliot): Come on, we're talking hot dogs, tiramisu and cough syrup! We need some real conversations out here!

Man: You ain't gonna bring that poison gas in here with you.

Elliot: Sir, it's not poison gas.

NC: Even if there was, all your windows are open.

Elliot: (From earlier in the film) Duh! (Back to the current scene) We're perfectly normal. (Sings) Old black water, keep on rolling. (NC lowers his head down in annoyance) Mississippi moon, won't you keep on shining on me? (Stops) See? We're normal.

NC: You are the laundry list of not normal! Everything you're doing is being written down on a book called "How Not to Be Normal"! (A book with Elliot's face on it is shown with the title "How Not to Be Normal") There is literally a chapter called "Seriously, I Can't Make This Shit Up"!

NC (vo): So to stop the evil, crazy gas from getting in, they do the same thing of shooting two little boys off their porch.

(The man in the house shoots dead two teenage boys)

NC: This was brought to you by...in the grand scheme of things, really no reason whatsoever. But there's a little less awkward dialogue to listen to, huh?

NC (vo): Oh, don't worry. That void is filled by this crazy broad who lives in the next house they come across.

Mrs. Jones: I suppose the kind thing for me to do is to offer you supper.

NC: Well, yeah, that's what I'd do if a random stranger dropped by my place.

Mrs. Jones: Why are you eyeing my lemon drink? (Walks into the house) I ain't going to ask you again.

NC (vo): Well, this place obviously seems safe, as they spend the night, but slowly realize she may not be all there herself.

Mrs. Jones: (Confronts Elliot) I hear you whispering. Planning on stealing something?

Elliot: No, ma'am, we're not.

Mrs. Jones: Plan on murdering me in my sleep?

Elliot: What? No!

(NC smiles and shakes his head)

NC: I'm not even gonna critique this scene. It's brought...so much joy and laughter from how famous it is, that it'd be a sin to critique this scene. (Beat) But I'm gonna do this for shits and giggles.

Elliot: What?

Darth Vader (from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith): NOOOOOOO!!

NC: It needed to be done. Well, no, it didn't, but that's what makes it even better.

NC (vo): So the lady seems to be acting nuttier and nuttier as, well, even the nutty acting seems a little bit off.

Elliot: There's something happening in a few states. In this region, it's not safe!

Mrs. Jones: (making a hand gesture) Leave now!

NC: (imitating the hand gesture) This isn't a crazy gesture, this is... a Barbra Streisand singing performance! (beat) Actually, it may have a bigger connection than I thought.

NC (vo): But the tree mojo seems to affect her, too, and for an old lady, her head's really got some weight to it.

(Mrs. Jones starts shattering windows with her head)

NC: Man, you could smash a melon with that melon.

NC (vo): Wahlberg and Deschanel stay in separate buildings, but are able to communicate via very convenient pipe that allows them to hear each other.

Alma: It's...too dangerous to go outside, isn't it?

Elliot: Yes.

Alma: This is the end, isn't it?

NC (vo): Man, you're fast to give up. It hasn't even been two minutes yet, and already you're like, "This is the end! This is the end!"

NC: You know, movies can go past an hour and half; though, I'm begging you not to!

Elliot: Do you remember out first date?

Alma: You bought me the mood ring.

Elliot: Turned purple when you wore it.

(Alma moves closer to the wall)

Alma: Then...then we checked the little paper chart, and it turns out that purple meant I was horny.

NC (vo): Always good to teach the kid new vocabulary words!

NC: Next, talk about how you are putting together your bondage swing!

NC (vo): And, I swear, I'm not kidding, I actually timed this; they wait literally just three minutes, before they decide they can't take it anymore, and they go outside to die! Yeah, three minutes! They drag the kid out there, too!

NC: Man, Leguizamo should have been more specific with that demand. It shouldn't have been...

Julian: Don't take my daughter's hand unless you mean it.

NC: What it should have been was....

NC (vo; as Julian): Don't wait the length of microwaving a burrito to sacrifice my daughter to tree demons!

NC: You'd think that'd go without saying! (beat) It should have been the length of microwaving a hot pocket.

NC (vo): But, get this, it stops just at the point when they walk outside....I think. The actual surprise of this ending is kind of hard to follow. The name of the location pops up (Arundell County 9:58 am), when it shows they're okay. Well, does that mean they were in a safe place the whole time? If so, why did that woman kill herself? I mean, sure, she was crazy, but what are the chances she'd have the exact same craziness that makes you walk backwards and off yourself after doing so? Kind of a long shot.

NC: But then, just to make things more confusing, they say this.

Elliot (vo): It must have ended before we went out there.

NC: Well, wait. Why show us the location at that exact time then? What did it matter? What was the real answer of what happened here!?

NC: Is this like (picture of) Clue, and we're supposed to guess our twist ending?!

NC (vo): And yes, by the way, that is the ending. It cuts to three months later, nobody has any idea as to why or how this all happened; but, Deschanel is pregnant...because...that's what this was all about?

NC: How does that make any sense?! How does any of this make any sense?! It's like trying to figure out how Shyamalan keeps coming back in my reviews even though he keeps dying! Right?

(Next to him, coincidentally, is Shyamalan)

Shyamalan: Right.

NC: Right. (Realizes who's there and stands up) CRAP! Get out of here, Shyamalan!

Shyamalan: In a moment. I wanna see how my tropes are coming. (Knocks on the door of the room where Malcolm, Tamara and Jim are in) Any new developments?

(Inside, Malcolm's continuing to play with the oranges as Jim gets down on his knees to propose to Tamara and give a ring to her)

Tamara: Yes. As you know, Jim and I have solved our problems using symbolism.

Malcolm: And my strange quirk is saving the day!

Jim: And we all did this in one shot!

(Malcolm uses the oranges to fire a laser, confusing NC. The trio come out of the room and stand next to NC)

Shyamalan: Well, then, it's time to reveal my big twist.

NC: Yeah, you already said. It's walls.

Shyamalan: No. It's actually something completely different.

NC: All right. What is it, then?

Shyamalan: It's... (Puts his hands together as NC and the gang await to hear the twist) The walls!

(Everyone is stunned and confused)

Malcolm: That's what you just said it wasn't!

Shyamalan: Yeah, it's a triple twist. You see, I said it was, then I said it wasn't, only to reveal it was again. That's why I'm the King of Twists.

Jim: (Annoyed and speaking normally) I've been to Zumba classes with better twists than that.

NC: Wait a minute, you guys aren't Shyamalized anymore?

Tamara: No. As you know, that twist was so lame, it snapped us out of it. Come on, let's go, guys.

Malcolm: Just when I was figuring out a way to tie it to oranges, too.

(Malcolm, Tamara and Jim leave. Shyamalan waves his hand at NC, defeated)

Shyamalan: Fine. Go ahead and tell them not to see my movie, then.

NC: Actually, I wasn't going to.

Shyamalan: Really? You think it's a cinematic masterpiece?

NC: No, it’s the dumbest thing I've seen in years, but it’s very entertaining.

(Clips from the movie play as we go to closing thoughts)

NC (vo): From the acting, to the writing, to the directing, everything is completely wrong in this movie. But it’s so creatively wrong, it’s impossible not to get a laugh out of it. The choices made are so strange and so unnatural that it’s one of the funniest unintentional comedies you could watch. So, yes, I highly recommend it, not as an awful drama, but as a hilarious comedy. It’s guaranteed to get several laughs out of you.

Shyamalan: Well, I guess I don't need to Shyamalize anybody, then.

NC: Wait, I thought you said the wall Shyamalized everybody.

Shyamalan: No, that was a quadruple twist. I said it was, then said it wasn't, then said it was, now I'm saying it wasn't again.

NC: But, wait, if you didn't control anyone, who did?

(We then see the two oranges on the table in a huge close-up. The credits roll. We go back to The Simpsons joke again, with a different line)

Homer Simpson: Marge, I caused the Happening! What's that? Flanders got run over by his lawnmower? Woo-hoo!

Channel Awesome Tagline: Private Auster: Cheese and crackers.

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