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The Haunted Mansion (w/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 2

Some jerk haunted mansion 2

Show
Some Jerk With A Camera
Air Date
April 29, 2016
Previous
The Walt Disney Family Museum
Next
The Haunted Mansion (w/ Count Jackula and Horror Guru) Part 3
Link


Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: "Previously on Some Jack with a Cutlass..."

[Cut to the last episode, where Count Jackula stabs Jerk with a cutlass, Jerk falls down dead.]

Announcer Jerk [v/o]: "And now, Jerk's alive again because reasons!"

[Cut back to the film]

Jerk [v/o]: Naturally, it starts raining and the Murphys [Evers] take shelter in this hodge podge for rich weirdos.

[The Evers enter the mansion into the main entry room.]

Jim Evers: [Calls out to anyone in the mansion] Hello? We're the Evers.

[Count Jackula gasps.]

Jerk: [To Horror Guru] Is he okay?

Horror Guru: I've seen this before. It's a strain of Draculon brain disorder caused by a surplus of set and a shortage of movie.

Count Jackula: [Sad] Me want set! Me no have set! Movie have set! Movie bad!

Guru: He'll be fine as soon as the movie does something to deserve it's set more.

Jerk: Well, how the hell's that gonna happen?

Guru: Well, either Eddie Murphy goes all Jack Torrence on everyone or...

[In the main hallway, we see Ramsley, played by Terrence Stamp, make his way to the Evers to great "Phantom of the Opera" like organ music. the hall way is dark and lit only by the light or the lightning outside the mansion.]

Guru: By the grace of Zod!

Jack: [Scared] OH MY GOD, HE'S GONNA BREAK THE WHITE HOUSE AT ME! [He Kneels.]

Jerk [v/o}: This is [a la Stamp] rrrrrRamsley, the butler, played to delectable perfection by the great Terrence Stamp. Easily the best character of this movie and his presence, along with the amazing set design only underlines how little Sir Edward Murphy belongs here. In his [Eddie Murphy] best movies, he always played the conman, the trickster, the slick fast talking badass who was always 3 steps ahead of everyone else, that's what he's good at! I just don't buy for an instant that Axel Foley wouldn't immediately realize this mansion is haunted.

[Cut to Eddie Murphy's stand up comedy special, "Delirious."]

Eddie Murphy: Why don't white people just leave the house when there's a ghost the house?

Jerk [v/o]: Gee, I don't know, WHAT'S YOU'RE EXCUSE?!?!

[Cut back to the film]

Jack [v/o]: Then we meet the master of the household, Edward Gracey.

Edward Gracey: [To the Evers] My grandfather spared no expense when he built this mansion.

Gracey/Jack [v/o]: Or the dinosaur park out back!

Jim: I'm Jim Evers or Evers and Evers Real Estate, charmed to make your aqaintance!

[He extends his hand and smiles. The reviews scream.]

Jerk [v/o]: Not the teeth! NOT THE TEETH!

Jack [v/o]: NO! NO! NO! [We then cut to an angle of Gracey's reaction.] Oh, thank god it's over.

Jerk [v/o]: [Sighs] Ok.

Jack [v/o]: It...it was tough.

[We cut back to an angle of Jim, still smiling.]

Jerk [v/o]: GOD!

Jack [v/o]: Fuck you, mother fucker! I'm gonna slap the Disney world right off your...

Jerk [v/o]: It's making me sterile!

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