October 11, 2011
Nostalgiaween opening plays. After the opening we see NC looking off to the side, aggravated. After a moment, he turns to the camera.
NC: Okay, I'm just gonna level with you. I really fucking hate today's movie. A lot. Not because the movie itself sucks, although it DOES! But because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time, The Haunting.
Scenes from the original movie are shown.
NC:(VO) Directed by the world-renowned Robert Wise, this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts, and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist. You know films like Paranormal Activity, The Others, or even The Blair Witch Project, where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do? This is the film that perfected that. And even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant character study and a Gothic story. It was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now.
NC: So director Jan de Bont – you know, THIS FUCKER (shows cover of Twister) – came up one day and said, "What does that Robert Wise schmuck know?! He hasn't directed anything good! I mean, what does he have under his belt? Just The Day the Earth Stood Still, Sound of Music, West Side Story, The Andromeda Strain, Sand Pebbles? What a hack! I directed this shit! (shows Speed 2 and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life) So I can do it so much better. I know what's scary! I made a tornado growl!"
Scene from Twister with tornado growling
NC: "I'M THE MASTER OF FUCKING SUBTLETY!" So, as you can imagine, this was going to be an Old vs. New of the two Haunting movies.
Plays part of Old vs. New opening, then shoves it away
NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's totally pointless. There's no contest! The old wins! (puts WINNER! over the original movie, then plays scenes from the remake while talking in voiceover) But I'd still like to go over the comparisons just so I can fucking stick it to this film! (on his desk) So I guess this is an... Oldish vs. Newish. (Oldish Vs. Newish title card with the old man and little boy looking confused)
NC: I don't want to waste any time. I wanna dive right into this pickle-cock! Let's take a look at The Haunting.
NC: (VO) So the film starts out with a woman named Eleanor, played by Lili Taylor. To be fair, not a bad replacement for Julie Harris. She's being thrown out of her mother's apartment right after her mother passed away. As you can imagine, she's not too thrilled.
Eleanor: Do you understand that I have nowhere to go?
Jane: Lou and I are very busy and we could use someone to help us with the cleaning and the cooking...looking after Ritchie.
Ritchie raps a cane against the wall.
Ritchie: (woodenly) Eleanor. Help me. I gotta pee. (giggles)
NC: Nice read there, kid. You could open Hamlet with that.
NC: (VO) (as Ritchie) To pee or not to pee. (giggles)
NC: (VO) So seeing how she has no place to go, she comes across a want ad for a sleep study needing insomniacs. The experiment is run by Dr. Marrow. In the original, he was played by Richard Johnson. Here, he's played by Liam Neeson. Oh, good! The sound of his monotone voice would put any insomniac to sleep.
Chairman: As chairman of this department, I can't...
Marrow: I know you clinical guys don't like to ask these questions, but think about it. What is fear anyway? It's a series of automatic responses to a given stimulus. The only problem with fear is that it has largely become inappropriate. Do sweaty palms help to talk to your boss? And yet we carry with us these primordial fear responses that do the opposite of what they were intended to do! So why is that?
Chairman: David, David, no one is saying that these aren't provocative questions.
NC: What... were the provocative questions?
Chairman: You're bringing your insomniacs to this house under false pretenses.
Marrow: Because the experiment needs a credible cover story. Calling it an insomnia study allows me to create a highly suggestive environment to investigate the dynamics of fear. You don't tell the rats they're actually in a maze, Malcolm! Come on!
Chairman walks away and fade to next scene.
NC: (VO) Oh. I guess that's it for winning him over. He must've really been sucked in by that stunning "Come on!" argument. I hear Professor Fonzie got a lot of research done with his classic "AAAAAYYYYY!" debate. So everybody's off to the haunted house to partake in the sleep experiment. And this brings me my first downgrade in the comparison. In this film, the doctor is tricking the subjects to come to the haunted house for some half-assed, not really explained very well experiment. In the original, HE JUST TELLS THEM THE TRUTH! They're there to study ghosts! That's much more interesting! Why fool them into thinking there's something else? It's just a time waster. Are we supposed to be surprised like they are that the place is haunted? Everyone in the audience knows they're going to a haunted house. Fuck, IT'S CALLED THE HAUNTING! Did you really think you were going to fool us? Next you'll be telling me that Peter Rabbit is about a FUCKING TURTLE!
Mr. Dudley: What do you want?
NC: (VO) So she meets Mr. Dudley, the caretaker.
Mr. Dudley: I'm Mr. Dudley, the caretaker.
NC: (VO) And eventually comes across his wife Mrs. Dudley inside.
Mrs. Dudley opens a door in front of Eleanor holding a butcher knife.
Eleanor: Oh, my... I'm here with...
Mrs. Dudley: Dr. Marrow's group. You're the first.
NC: (VO) Boy, those Dudleys really like to introduce themselves in the most threatening way possible. Jumping out at gates, swinging doors open while holding knives, how much you wanna bet their son greets people with a hockey mask and chainsaw?
Mrs. Dudley: We live in town. Nine miles, so there won't be anyone around if you need help.
NC: (VO) While Mrs. Dudley isn't quite as creepy or awkward as the original, they do manage to handle her scenes okay. But then we get the entrance of our next guest: a woman named Theo, played by...
Porn music starts.
Theo: Don't you love it here?
NC: (gasps) Oh, snap.
Theo: Oh, this is so twisted.
Belloq: (from Raiders of the Lost Ark) Jones!
NC: Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Theo: It's like Charles Foster Kane meets The Munsters or something.
NC: (looks on dreamily, then a video of the original Theo, played by Claire Bloom, enters the frame) Oh, yeah, I guess I should compare and contrast. (clears throat) Uh, the original woman who played Theo did really good. She was fine... (shoves video away)
NC: (VO) Oh, that body. Oh, Zeta, Zeta, Zeta. Oh, legs, legs, legs! Oh, Jones, Jones, Jones!
The video of the original Theo intrudes again, and NC snarls it away.
Theo: Oh, that sounds really nice.
NC: (looking lovestruck) I don't care if the last movie you did starred that schmuck from Gigli. (in a low, almost demonic, voice) ONE DAY, YOU WILL BE MINE!
NC: (VO) Seriously, they're piling on the sexy big time with this character. I mean, going all out! Is there anything else they could do to possibly make her more attractive?
"She's Bisexual" appears on the screen with a "TA-DA!" sound effect. A bomb goes off behind an ecstatic NC.
NC: (VO) Okay, so despite how hot that is, this does lead to another downgrade. (scenes from the original) Theo in the original film is hinted that she might – MIGHT – be a lesbian or bisexual. And the reason it's best they don't come and just say it is because it adds to the tension between her and Eleanor. See, half of the movie, they're the only ones in a room together, and when the only person you can cuddle up with may or may not have the hots for you, it makes the scene a little bit more uncertain and therefore uncomfortable. There was also a possible subplot with Eleanor having a crush on the doctor and Theo having a crush on Eleanor. But again, it wasn't over-the-top, it was played pretty subtle. (scenes from remake) Subtlety in this film? Fuck. I'm surprised they didn't just change her name to Liz Biehn, that's how friggin' obvious it is. Especially because... um, how do I say this... uh... the nineties didn't always write gay people very well. (cut to scene from Will and Grace) Not that the characters written weren't proud to be gay. No, no, far from it. It's that they announced it everywhere they went and to every person they meet.
scene from In Living Color
Jim Carrey: I'm gay!
scene from The Simpsons
Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche: We're lesbians!
scene from South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut
Big Gay Al: (singing) I'm super, thanks for asking!
scene from Will and Grace
Jack: Kiss it... kiss it... spank it.
NC: (VO) So as you can imagine, Zeta Jones in this movie is beyond blatant.
Theo: (various scenes) My boyfriend thinks so, my girlfriend doesn't./It's hard when you're the only one at the party./So, what about you? Any boyfriends? Girlfriends?/I could paint that portrait directly on you.
There are then scenes of Theo winking suggestively at Eleanor, and Theo trying to touch Eleanor
Theo: Just... little there.
NC: (VO) Maybe it was overcompensating for past prejudices, maybe the writers didn't know how to write for gay people back then. Or, most likely in Zeta Jones' case, it's...
"FANSERVICE" on screen as porn music starts again, followed by champagne cork popping and hitting an egg behind an ecstatic NC. Back to the movie, where we are introduced to a character named Luke.
NC: (VO) Oh, we also have Owen Wilson as Luke, played in the original by Russ Tamblyn. This was right at the point when the world couldn't tell if they found him funny or annoying yet.
Luke: (to Theo) Wow, you're so dominant.
Theo: Thanks. (shakes his hand) Theo.
Luke: Hey, Theo. (smiles at her)
NC: (VO) (as Luke) Awkwardly undressing you with my imagination... done.
Dr. Marrow and two other people come into the house.
NC: (VO) So Liam Neeson and... two extras... finally enter the house to get the experiment rolling.
We see all the people in the house having dinner at the table.
Theo: The rest of you may hate your insomnia, but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. My mind's racing with creative ideas and come 3 a.m....
NC: Oh, I will! (is slapped) I deserved that.
Theo: ... I feel like a genius!
Cut to all the people in the living room.
NC: (VO) But Neeson tells them that this creepy, demonic looking house of death might actually have a scary backstory to it.
Marrow: His name is Hugh Crain. Crain made a fortune on the backs of workers in his textile mills. Now this man could have anything he wanted, but what he wanted more than anything was a house filled with the laughter of children.
NC: (VO) Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm sure a guy who looks like this (painting of the sinister looking Crain) was a real big softie with children! Come on, kids, we're going to Ebenezer Ahab's house!
Marrow: But that's where the fairy tale ends. Hugh and Rene would have no children. They all died at birth. And a few years later, Rene, she passed away and Crain became a total recluse. But he kept on building. Adding room upon room, it's as if he was building a home for the family he would never have. At the times people said, that sometimes at night, you could hear sounds coming from the old house... sounds of children.
NC: (as Marrow) Well, good night! Let me know how the insomnia goes! (leaves)
Male Assistant: I need a drink.
Female Assistant: I think there's more to that story.
NC: Do tell, assistant who only had two lines before this scene.
Female Assistant: I can feel it. It's all around us. (the clavichord wire loosens itself) It's in the ceilings. It's in the walls. It's in this. (runs her finger down the clavichord wires. The loosened wire whips her in the face.) AH!
- A clavichord is a small keyboard instrument similar to a piano, but with blade-like objects called tangents instead of hammers, giving it a a softer, guitar-like tone.
NC: (VO) Ha! That'll teach you to try to have a part in this movie! And just for that, you and the other guy who never said anything are being banished forever, never to return to this script again! (laughs evilly)
NC: Ah, seriously, though, a moment of silence for those totally pointless characters. (He lets his head down under pictures of the female assistant labeled "Don't Know" and the male assistant labeled "Don't Care". "R.I.P") Anyway...
NC: (VO) Everyone tries to go to sleep, thus beginning the experiment. Eleanor, Jones, Wilson, the doctor... wait a minute, why is he going to sleep?! He's supposed to be conducting the experiment, isn't he? Whether it's the insomnia study or the "fear" study, isn't he supposed to be around to witness it? Document it? You know, DOCTOR STUFF?!
Scene of Eleanor combing her hair is shown as Theo watches.
Theo: I like the way you comb you hair like that.
NC: (VO) (as Theo) Did I mention that I was a lesbian?
Theo: Happy tossing and turning.
NC: (VO) But many of them can't sleep and find themselves roaming H.R. Giger's wonderland.
Luke backs into Marrow.
Luke: AH! GA... GOD! Oh, you scared the...
Marrow: I'm sorry. I'm sorry
Luke: (panting heavily) Oh, you gotta be careful!
Marrow: You alright? I'm sorry.
Luke: (still panting heavily) Oh, no, no, no, you just don't jump out there...
Marrow: You alright?
Luke: (still panting heavily) Yeah, no, no, no.
NC: (VO) Hey, calm down, guy! You just bumped into someone. You didn't perform an exorcism!
Luke: (still panting heavily) No, no, I couldn't sleep. I was just... insomnia... You gotta be careful 'cause...
Marrow: I wasn't, I was just...
Luke: (still panting heavily) No, no, I know. I'm sorry, it's just...Oh...
NC: (VO) Good God! Get over it, man! What, did you run a marathon before you came to the set?
Eleanor and Theo are woken up by the door pounding.
Theo: What is it? What is it coming from?
NC: (VO) So Eleanor and Jones are woken up by a loud pounding in the night. And though it's not as good as the scene from the original, it does manage to follow the formula okay, I guess.
The pounding of the door continues. After the door stops moving, there is a knocking and sound of a door opening.
NC: (VO) (as Zuul) Oh, really? Hold on. (footsteps as he walks across the room) Zuul, motherfucker, Zuul. Okay, I'm going back to bed. Just leave the check on my door. (The door closes)
Luke: Is everybody alright?
Theo: Luke? (opens door) What did you hear?
Luke: Theo, all I heard was you screaming, "Luke! Help me, please!"
Theo: I wasn't screaming for you.
NC: (VO) (as Theo) Maybe I didn't make it clear that I was a lesbian!
Luke: I don't... I don't see anything. I don't hear anything. (beat) Wow, I swear I got screwed on the old bedroom selection. Every room's like four times as big as mine.
NC: (as Luke) That was my button at the end of a scene to lighten up the tension. What did you think? Not very good, was it?... I'm Owen Wilson.
Luke turns off faucet causing loud noises from pipes.
Luke: Is that it? Is that what you heard?
Theo: Well, I did just take a bath. I mean, it could have been.
NC: (VO) Now, that's not a bad idea: indicating that the sound they heard maybe wasn't supernatural but could be explained by everyday occurrences. That's actually pretty clever.
Marrow: Just blame it on the old plumbing then, huh? What else could it be?
NC: (VO) All except for one tiny problem: WE SAW THE PIANO WIRE UNDO ITSELF AND ATTACK A PERSON! So why would we believe there's nothing supernatural there when you clearly showed us there was something supernatural there?! But, hey, don't worry. Even if that was the case, the very next scene shows clear as day that ghosts are real. So, yeah, that previous scene was completely useless.
- That was actually a clavichord, not a piano.
NC: Seriously, though, a moment of silence for that completely pointless scene. (He hangs his head under the picture of the scene, labeled "WTF, Man?". "R.I.P")
In Eleanor's bedroom, a ghost appears and moves through the bedsheets.
NC: (VO) Boy, the cotton textures on those sheets are looking a little fake-CGI-ish, aren't they?
Eleanor sees the face of a ghost of a young child in pillow next to her.
Ghost Child: Eleanor. Find us, Eleanor...
A scene from Army of Darkness is shown
Ash: Well, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby.
Ghost Child: Oh, Eleanor. Find us... (disappears)
NC: (VO) And, for whatever reason, Eleanor has decided to NOT be scared by this. The knocking on the door? That was scary as shit. But a child's face with no eyes appearing on your pillow? Well, that's just enchanting! I'm sure you guys would have the exact same reaction.
We see NC in his bed trying to sleep. A demon child's face appears in the pillow next to him and he screams until it disappears.
NC:... Aw, that was adorable.
Face appears in pillow again and NC screams again.
Scene goes to next morning. Luke looks at the carvings.
Luke: These carvings are really creepy.
NC: (VO) Thank you, Owen Wilson. I'm so glad somebody's here to tell us what's supposed to be scary in this movie. Lord knows I never would have figured it out by just watching it.
Luke: I'll see how my old pal Theo's doing.
Eleanor: Doing or wearing?
Luke: Yeah, no kidding. Did you see what she had on yesterday? Wow. Yeah, I definitely got a soft spot for Theo.
NC: But it won't stay soft for long! (gets slapped) I deserved that, too.
NC: (VO) But things get even more creepy...
NC:... And I mean that as a figure of speech...
NC: (VO)... when they see writing on the wall that says "Welcome home, Eleanor".
Theo: Is this one of your sick jokes, Luke?
Luke: What? You really think I wrote that?
Theo: You found it. You could have.
Eleanor: I wanna know right now who wrote this! Did you write this, Theo?
Theo: No, of course not! Maybe it was you! Maybe you like being the center of attention.
NC: She be the center... SHE be the ce... HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT YOU'RE WEARING, LADY GAGA?!
Eleanor: Whoever wrote this... it's cruel.
Luke: I didn't do it.
NC: (VO) (sighs) Have you ever noticed that Wilson's only job in this story is stating the painfully obvious?
Luke: (various scenes) I didn't do it./These carvings are really creepy./I just think Dr. Marrow's up to something./I definitely got a soft spot for Theo.
NC: (as Luke) Spinach is green! I'm just throwin' that out there!
Outside the house's garden, Eleanor talks with Dr. Marrow.
Eleanor: You know, all my life, I've been waiting for an adventure, and I thought it would never happen to me. And here I am. The paintings are calling out to me. The strange noises in the night. And all it cost was five gallons of gas.
NC: (VO) Boy, she sure calmed down from that whole "Who the fuck painted my name on the wall?" thing, didn't she? (Eleanor hums as she looks at statues of children) In fact, that's another downgrade. (scenes from the original) In the original story, her falling in love with the house is... well... creepy, as it should be! It's just another journey into her psychotic mind, surrendering to the madness and giving in to her own demented psyche. (scenes from the remake) Here, (in a cutesy voice) it's a comforting scene! Oh, she's so happy and charmed! It's just beautiful! (laughs girlishly).
Eleanor: Adventures are for soldiers, or for the women that bullfighters fall in love with.
NC: (VO) I'm sure glad they took out all the scariness from that subplot. Oh, but don't worry. When the actual creepy scenes pop up, (as Luke) Owen Wilson will be there to let us know.
Luke: Really creepy.
Eleanor: (to the door) Okay, I'm listening.
NC: (VO) So since Eleanor has decided to WHIMSICALLY give in to what the house has to say, she finds that not all the ghosts are evil! Some of them are actually playful! Delightful, even!
In the bedroom, as Eleanor braids her hair, a ghost tries to braid Eleanor's hair
NC: (VO) (as Eleanor) No! You will not give me Leia's buns of fun!
NC: (VO) So unless the message was "Go on Queer Curl for the Straight Girl", she has no idea what the ghosts are telling her. However, she does hear some more voices leading her to under the fireplace.
Eleanor finds a skull in the dust under the fireplace
NC: (VO) Oh, God! They found Jeff Dunham's lost dead terrorist puppet.
Skeleton rises out of dust as a sound clip from Achmed, Jeff Dunham's skeleton/dead terrorist puppet, is heard.
Achmed: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
Eleanor: (running toward door) That's where you are! Okay, I'll let you out! (Suddenly gets attacked by a giant hand reaching out the door)
NC: (VO) And these are the scares we have to look forward to from now on, folks! CGI about as scary as the Wallmaster Hands from The Legend Of Zelda. Did that scare you at all? Well, get ready! There's a fuckload more of it!
Luke: Really creepy.
Eleanor meets up with Dr. Marrow and the others.
Eleanor: He killed them.
Eleanor: The children from the mills. He wanted to build a house with the sounds of children. He took them from his mills and he brought them here. But he wouldn't let them go.
NC: (VO) But Neeson realizes that his experiment has gone too far. He swallows his pride and confesses that the whole thing was just a hoax.
Marrow: Let me explain what's happening. You're participating in a study on group fear and hysteria. But it's over, I'm pulling the plug. (to Eleanor) None of this is real.
Eleanor: Oh, but it's real!
NC: (VO) Yeah, who would've thought that people would actually be scared in an experiment about fear taking place in a haunted house? What was he even studying, the fact that if you tell people frightening stories, they get... frightened? You need an extreme setup like this to tell you that?! And how the hell is he studying them?! You never saw any equipment or scientific technology! And obviously, he can't ask them how scared they were or else that would give everything away. This has gotta be the worst friggin' scientist ever!
A scene from Ghostbusters is shown
Dean Yeager: Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist.
NC: (VO) So just as they put Eleanor to bed to try and calm her down, the Flying Spaghetti Monster comes in to try and cause more trouble.
The frames above the doors rise to reveal cartoon-like eyes.
NC: (VO) Well, it's official: The house has turned into a cartoon.
A cartoony mouth appears below the eyes
NC: (VO) (cartoony voice as the house) I'm gonna kill you, Eleanor! Heeheeheehee!
Eleanor: God, it's looking toward me. (is thrown out of bed, screaming, but quickly gets back up) Oh, who was holding my hand?
NC: What's that? You're wondering what the hell that line has to do with anything?
Eleanor: Oh, who was holding my hand?
NC: Well, again, let's go back to the original.
Scenes from the original
NC: (VO) You see, they built up this big, scary scene that Theo was next to Eleanor comforting her, supposedly holding her hand. When in reality, they discover that once they turned on the light, nobody was holding her hand at all.
Original Eleanor: Whose hand was I holding?
NC: (VO) Now, naturally, this scene lasted roughly four to five minutes, building up the suspense and tension. (scenes from the remake) In this film, it's one friggin' line.
Eleanor: Oh, who was holding my hand?
NC: (VO) What do you mean, who was holding your hand?! When did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand?! Did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed? Is that it? Well, that's really fucking poorly handled, you schmucks! JUST BECAUSE YOU STEAL A SCARY LINE FROM A MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE IT AUTOMATICALLY SCARY!! IT'S CALLED ATMOSPHERE, AND GIVING A CRAP!!
NC: GOD! I could write a book about how shitty this remake is! Actually, I did! It's called How Shitty This Remake Is! (a book cover show up on-screen, entitled How Shitty This Remake Is by The Nostalgia Critic) It's a pretty easy read. All it contains are the words "This Movie Sucks! This Movie Sucks! This Movie Sucks!" (a page from Chapter 1 of the aforementioned book shows up on-screen, saying "This movie sucks!" repeatedly.)
Eleanor: No! I will not let you hurt a child! (throws a vase at the window only for glass to shatter at her, with a cartoon sound effect playing in the background)
NC: (VO) So as she tries to run through the possessed Cheesecake Factory, she suddenly comes across the good ghosts. And is it me, or are they just looking sillier?
Ghost Child: (passing through Eleanor) Help us, Eleanor. Help us.
Casper passes through, with a sinister-like expression on his face
Eleanor: What are you trying to tell me? What do you want me to do?
NC: (VO) So she runs up a staircase where Liam Neeson tries to chase her down and talk some sense into her.
Staircase starts to collapse under Marrow's weight
Theo: Look out!
Luke: It's not gonna hold your weight there! It's breaking apart!
NC: (VO) THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Again, it's like his only role! This guy would have a great job as the laughing sign for a studio audience.
A scene from Will and Grace is shown
Jack: FYI, I missed you, don't make a big deal out of it, just be happy a celebrity is talking to you. (The studio audience laughs)
NC: (as Luke) Laugh now! That was the funny part! That was the funny part! We're having a great time! A great time! I'm Owen Wilson.
Marrow: Come on. I want you to come down with me. Come over and step on the platform. Can you do that?
NC: (VO) (as Luke) I don't know which W-sound face to make.
Marrow: (taking hold of Eleanor) Come on. Come on. We have to go. I won't leave you.
NC: (VO) So just as they save her and take her away, Neeson encounters his own...encounter.
Marrow: Jesus, I need to get them out of here.
A giant statue's hand pulls him into a pool.
NC: (VO) (as statue) Oh, no, you don't. You're gonna pay for Clash of the Titans. Say you're not doing the sequel. (as Marrow, underwater) NEVEEEEEER!
Marrow escapes pool
NC: (VO) Well, at least Eleanor is safe in her room.
Eleanor is attacked by hands from walls. The others take her out of the room.
NC: (VO) Just as things are getting crazier and crazier, Eleanor has a revelation that suddenly has everything make sense.
Eleanor: You see, this is the room where Carolyn had her baby before she ran away. And the children, they wanted me to see this so I would know this was my home.
Marrow: Oh, my God.
Eleanor: Yes. Carolyn was my great-great grandmother.
NC: (puts his hands behind his head and slams his face on the desk) WHAT?!
Eleanor: And the children are my family. This is where I belong.
NC: (VO) Okay. Maybe I missed something, but... this was made for adults, right? English-speaking adults?
Theo: Now the children are dead.
Eleanor: No. Not for him. He's still hunting them. But if I'm here, he can't harm them.
NC: (VO) Why? What the fuck are you talking about?! You're four-foot-nothing! You have the strength of a lima bean with cancer! What suddenly turned you into Senior Ghostbuster?!
The characters run through halls as several doors are closing.
Luke: Come on! Hurry!
Sports music starts
NC: (sportscaster voice) And the film has been very, very bad, with horrible characters, ridiculous storylines. But, we have yet to experience the ultimate jumping the shark moment. I don't think it's going to happen here today... Oh, wait a minute!
Luke is dragged across hall by carpet.
NC: (sportscaster voice) Wait, wait, this could be it. The rug is dragging Owen Wilson to the fireplace.
Luke is flung into fireplace.
NC: (sportscaster voice) He's standing there clumsily.
Luke stands up.
NC: (sportscaster voice) Could this be the jumping the shark moment we've been waiting for?
Gargoyle comes down on Luke.
NC: (sportscaster voice) Yes... yes...
Gargoyle knocks Luke's head off as Theo screams in horror. "SHARK JUMPED!" appears on screen.
NC: (sportscaster voice) (throws papers away) And they did it! They jumped the shark, ladies and gentlemen! Unbelievable! Not only have they pissed on the intelligence of the people who loved the original film, but they also pissed on the intelligence of the audience in general! (takes off his glasses, wiping his eyes) Oh, my God! I have seen some shark jumping in my day, but that... that was total cockdick!
NC: (VO) And as you'd imagine, it only gets sillier and sillier. Don't believe me? Just watch it with this music.
Scenes of all the ghosts in the movie are combined with the song Grim Grinning Ghosts from Disney's Haunted Mansion ride
Ghosts: (singing) When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake, spooks come out for a swingin' wake. Happy haunts materialize, and begin to vocalize. Grim Grinning Ghosts come out to socialize!
NC: (VO) So Eleanor decides it's finally time to square off against Wolverine's flatulence by giving probably one of the dumbest speeches ever uttered in any horror movie...that's meant to be taken seriously.
Eleanor: (to Crain's ghost) It's about family! It's always been about family! It's about Carolyn, and the children from the mills, so you could hear their voices! Family! Well, I'm family, Grandpa! And I've come home! You go to hell!
Various other ghosts start to attack Crain's ghost
NC: You know, out of morbid curiosity, let's just see how the other film has ended. (reads a summary of the original) Oh, wow!
Scenes from the original's ending
NC: (VO) We're diving much more into Eleanor's psychosis. Her insecurities of belonging are finally getting the best of her, and it just may end up claiming her life, all while the darkness of both the house and her mind consume what little is left, leaving only the emptiness to live with.
NC: (rips up the summary of original, talking as Jan de Bont) What moron wrote this?! Ha! Oh, clearly these idiots have no idea how to write an adult scary story. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write the one for GROWN-UPS, okay? Uh, let me see here. Um. Oh, I know! How about Crain was the mastermind the whole time?! And he turns into this giant evil monster! (monster noises) And he makes all the scary faces! (makes scary faces) And then, all the little Casper ghosts are like (child voice) "OH, SAVE US! OH, SAVE US! HE'S GONNA KILL US, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ALREADY DEAD! AAAAAAAHHH!!" (normal voice) Oh, God, there are so many complex issues here. All right, and then, we're gonna see Eleanor literally – LITERALLY – defeat him with the power of love! Ha-ha! Oh, it's so inspired! It's so ingenious! Hey, I don't care if it was laughed off of the Disney Afternoon! I'M THE ADULT! I'M THE ADULT! I WRITE ADULT THINGS!! (points to original summary) That... that's stupid! Stupid psychological issues! (spits and then craps on the summary) YES! I'M THE ADULT! I WRITE THE ADULT THINGS!! YOU'RE DUMB! YOU'RE DUMB! THIS IS THE REAL STUFF!!! THIS IS THE REAL SCARY STUFF!! ROBERT WISE IS STUPID!!! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING!!! I DON'T CARE IF HE MADE SOME OF THE MOST LIKABLE MOVIES OF ALL TIME!! HE'S DUMB!!! HE'S A DOO-DOO HEAD!!! IF YOU TOOK POO AND ADDED EVEN MORE POO, THAT'D BE ROBERT WISE!!! HE'S DUMB!!! HE'S SO DUMB, YOU HAVE NO IDEA AT AAAAAAALLLLL!!!! LOVE ME!!!! LOVE ME AND DON'T LOVE THAT!!!! THIS IS STUPID!!! LOVE ME!!!! ME! LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME, LOVE ME!!!! I'M THE GENIUS!!! I'M THE GROUNDBREAKING GENIUS!!!! ALALA!!! AYAYAYAYAYA!!! (slowly calms down, regaining his sanity)... Oh, my God, I lost my fucking mind there for a second! I was literally about to go out and impale Jan De Bont on a tether-ball pole. (pants) All right, um... back to the movie.
NC: (VO) So the see-through wolfman is destroyed by, like I said before, THE POWER OF LOVE, and, for whatever reason, that claims Eleanor's life.
The child ghosts float out of the house's carvings.
NC: (VO) (as the child ghosts) We're free! Our horribly rendered souls are free! (normal) And, of course, only Neeson and Jones are left to look over the horrible mess.
Theo: Oh, Nell... (kisses dead Eleanor on the cheek)
NC: That counts as first base. (stops a slap) Hold on. Hold on. (slaps himself).
After child ghosts escape, a headless cartoon ghost of Luke appears
NC: (VO) (as Luke's ghost) What the hell? You saved the people who were already dead and yet you left me like a chicken with his head cut off? Agh, fuck this shit, man. I'm going to do Ben Stiller movies. They're intentionally funny.
NC: And that's the remake of The Haunting. (quivers in rage and raises his arms in the air, and then brings them down) I don't particularly care for it.
Clips from the movie play out as NC speaks
NC: (VO) It's one of the worst remakes of all time, if not THE worst. I mean, when you get down to it, what's The Haunting about?
Eleanor: It's about family!
NC: NO, IT'S NOT...! (instantly calms down)... No, it's not.
Clips resume showing, and we are also shown clips from the original as well
NC: (VO) It's about being scared, and I hate to break it to you, folks, but redemption isn't scary. The original is scary. There's no cartoon ghosts, dumbass subplots, or Disney-style good versus evil scenarios. It's just a ghost story, and a brilliant one at that. But, hell, let's remove that for a second and just look at this film on its own. It's still crap. The effects are laughable, the story is childish, and even its means of building suspense are totally backwards and nonsensical. It only gets worse every time I see it. It hurts me inside. I hope it burns in hell like that black bloated Beethoven bitch bucket at the end!
Eleanor: It's about family!
NC: (VO) Oh, shut up, you idiot!
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones could save this movie. (beat) Think about that!
(NC gets up and leaves, as the end credits play, with the Nostalgia-ween/X-Files theme)
Ending Tagline: Luke: Really creepy.