And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Incredible Hulk."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy who has a problem.
He is not supposed to get angry.
Because when he does, he turns into the Jolly Green Giant!
Only he's not so jolly.
He's friggin' pissed off!
So, he travels to Brazil.
Which looks like a bunch of hills covered in cardboard boxes.
Kind of like my house!
On a good day.
And they name him after Hulk Hogan!
Because the two are very similar except for one difference.
One is real, and one is not.
There's no way Hulk Hogan is real.
He's just a big puppet.
So, there's a lot of chasing. And running. And chasing.
Until the guy is like, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!"
And he's starts growing, and his clothes are ripping off.
All except his pants.
How is it his pants always stay on?!
It makes no sense!
I don't care how big you are! There are no pant sizes for jolly green giants!
And there's this British guy who's like, "I want to be the Hulk too!"
But the Hulk is like, "Piss off!" (punches)
So, the British guy is like, "I don't care what he says! I'm going to be a Hulk! I'm going to work out, eat my vegetables, and inject myself with radioactive poison."
So, the British guy turns into a Hulk.
Who I guess is wearing the same stretchy pants.
And he's like, "I'm the Hulk too!"
And the Hulk is like, "Wait a minute. Isn't this the Hulk 2?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, wasn't there a Hulk movie a few years ago?"
Did that just never happen?
Or was that just a crack fantasy?
It seemed like a crack fantasy!
None of it made sense!
How can a movie about a big, green monster be so boring?!
That's what made no sense about it!
So anyway, the two Hulks are like, "Rraaahhh!" "Rraaahhh!"
And they're like (Chester runs, yells, growls, and fake fights himself).
And the other Hulk guy is like, "Give up!"
And the Hulk is like, "Never!"
And the other guy is like, "Okay, you win."
And at the end, I'm not really sure what happens.
The Hulk is meditating.
And he smiles.
I was thinking, "Wow, that's a weird ending."
But suddenly, Iron Man shows up!
I'm not kidding! Iron Man is in this movie!
Iron Man! I swear, I did not smoke anything! Iron Man!
And he's like, "I'm putting a group together. Are you interested?"
And I'm like, "A group? What the hell is that?"
Wait a minute.
Iron Man, the Hulk, all the Marvel characters...
OH MY GOD! Marvel is putting together a baseball team!
Spider-Man will be the short stop.
Wolverine will be the pitcher.
And the Hulk will be the umpire!
'Cause you do not want to piss off that umpire!
He will eat you.
And they'll call it the Major Marvel League.
I am so proud to be a friggin' American!
But not a bum. That... That sucks.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Can't you at least help me see the baseball team? I hear Howard the Duck has promise.