NOTE: This feature is meant to be a parody of Ken Burns' documentary series, The Civil War, with text and pictures meant to emulate the popular broadcast - practically each still is in black-and-white or one color tone, such as sepia. All the people featured here are not speaking on camera; they are all voice-overs and talk as if they are writing letters to their loved ones. We start with this opening caption, in the style mentioned above: "With Apologies / - to - / Ken Burns" (the / indicates a new line)
Next we see THIS caption: "A CHANNEL AWESOME PRODUCTION". Ambient wind noises fade in. When this caption disappears, we fade in on a zoom-in of a silhouetted Civil War-era cannon at a skeletal wooden fence against a reddish sunset. We hear our first VO:
LordKat (LK): Molossia: my desert nation, my trial, my hell, my test of patience. Doug sent us out to Molossia to train the faithful. One cannot go against the word of Doug. Mostly because I'm deathly afraid of getting kicked off the site. That and he's paying for the plane tickets. [the pictures and ambient noises fade]
Fade up on the outside of what may be the entrance to the hotel for Year One, followed by a brief montage of behind-the-scenes shots from filming the brawl, panning and zooming in and out. As we hear sounds of birds chirping in the background, our "narrator" speaks:
"Kevin Costner" (KC - actually Rob Walker, imitating him as best he can): In April of 2009, a band of brothers and sisters fought a long, hard battle to complete their first motion picture [dissolves to a pan of an old map of metropolitan Chicago] in the cold, rainy wastes of Chicago. This production became mired [dissolve to more BTS stills] in heartbreak and misery. Many were tired; some were scared. Mostly, they were just confused. But as the brawl came to a close, the troops had had enough. [by this time, we hear "Amazing Grace" being played on violin in the background in a somber, Western-style arrangement; dissolve to a zoom-in on the main street of a old ghost town] One year later, they would film in a drier, more sunnier climate. [dissolve to an older map of Nevada that zooms into a certain spot] They came to a dusty crossroads outside of Dayton, Nevada - [dissolve to a zoom-out of Rob's Molossia map] a place called Molossia. There they would shoot another movie: [fade out; fade up on a pan of the Kickassia flag held up by Rob] Kickassia. This time, it would be bigger and better - or, at least, bigger. [dissolve to a pan of the gang "invading"] But for those who survived both productions, it was something altogether different. To quote their group autograph: [dissolve to a zoom-in of a rainy exterior shot of the Chicago skyline] "Our hell began in the rains of Chicago [dissolve back to the previous still] but ended in the sands of Kickassia." [fade out as the music swells]
Fade up on the title caption: "THE KICKASSIAN WAR" - underlined in red, like the original. Fade out, then up on the next caption: "Narrated by / Kevin Costner", with the red line in-between. The caption and "Grace" music fade. Next we fade in on a stock-music version of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home", which plays throughout this segment.
KC: [fade up on a zoom-in of the entrance gateway to Reno] In spring of 2010, [dissolve to a pan of a fleet of vans, like on a car dealer's lot] a film crew left Reno for the high-desert valley nation [cut to a zoom of the entrance...] of Molossia. Their goal: to film a movie in four days. [fade out; fade up on an still from one of the older NC reviews of...] Doug Walker, a maverick director with no real managerial or film experience, was slated to direct. [cut to the brawl's credit caption of Bargo] Their nomadic friend Bargo would executive-produce [zoom in on Bargo in a still from the Captain Planet review] and provide hilarious comic relief. [slow zoom-in on Rob] And Robert Walker, Doug's brother, would film, [pan of Rob in a BTS shot from the Year Two hotel] despite being colorblind and having two glass eyes. [dissolve on a zoom-in of the Kickassia Part 1 title card IN COLOR] The Kickassia saga was slated to be a high-water mark for Channel Awesome. [dissolve to a zoom-in on that weird posed photo Spoony, J-Dub, and Mickey made in the bloopers] But getting there proved to be more difficult than originally anticipated. [fade out as the music swells up and we dissolve into this caption:]
THE MOUNTAIN JOURNEY
Music fades. We cut to a still of Rob with Mickey in Molossia and slowly zoom in. Stock military-style music plays underneath the VO.
Rob Walker (RW): [dramatically every time he talks] Day 1. My darling Erin, we set forth today for Molossia. Our supplies are plentiful, and the men are hopeful that the filming will go as smoothly as the Hundred Years War. I have promised them a land of Starbucks and Subway, but I know that I am lying. Doug does not want them to suspect, and I am fearful of it. There is a Quizno's. They have a pepper bar - and sponge monkeys. But I fear it may not be enough; God help us if it's not. Robert Walker, 1st DIrector of Photography. [the music fades; we cut to black]
[Fade up on the Nevada map as we hear wind swirls. Rob continues:] Day 6: I've followed the instructions [a zoom-in of a candid shot of Bargo fades in] of our Nepalese mountain guide, Bargo. It is a treacherous journey through the jagged peaks of Nevada. [slow dissolve to a stock photo of a mountainous landscape] Sheer cliffs stalk our every move. Only the mountains bear witness to our hardships since there is nary a sign in these God-forsaken lands.
Dissolve to a panning shot of LordKat in one of the vans from the shoot in the front passenger seat with Spoony seated behind him and Benzaie behind Spoony.
LK: We were told it was a harrowing experience that no man should have to go through. [fades to black] It turns out it's a [cut to another stock photo of small mountains with a modern road at the bottom; ambient nature sounds] really nice drive through some mountains and a little quiet town in the middle of nowhere. I'd describe it as "pleasant", actually. [cut back to LK in the van] If Rob thought THIS was scary, wait 'til he falls asleep on the D train and ends up in the North Bronx. [fades to black as we hear stock old-time violin music playing]
RW: Day 7. [fade up on a stock photo of a canyon] Upon reaching the summit, we descended into a canyon [dissolve to a stock photo of a vulture] teeming with dead trees and vultures. [cut to a zoom-in of...] A gypsy caravan passed us in the valley and blessed us with wreaths of garlic and urns of foul-smelling incense. [dissolve to an old photo of a frontier family] Children were told to keep away from us, for surely we were marked. Doug considered this a good omen. [fades to black as we cut to another pan of LK, this time in a BTS still from inside the Baugh house; he's faking being distraught, it appears:]
LK: What the fuck? Oh, my God, [sighs] that sh- Whew! I can't- oh- okay, I'm better. [cut to black; fade up on a stock photo of lightning strikes behind some mountain peaks; sounds of rainy weather]
RW: Day 8. Attacked at the Pass of Caradhras, [brief fade in and out of what looks like...] Saruman's arm has grown long. May have to take Gimli's suggestion and use the Mines of Moria. I've advised the other producers to wear Balrog repellent. [cut to black. Fade in on a panning stock photo of a hooded costume intended to be, as the dialogue suggests, someone from the Tolkien era. More ancient violin music plays]
"Frodo" (Rob again): My dear Bilbo, we have lost Gandalf in the mines. Have decided to leave this film production company [dissolve to a stock shot of a forest and another photo of some hooded people, I guess] and start a small floral shop with Sam. Hopefully, they will be able to make their movie on their own. I have decided [dissolve to a stock close-up image of a ring] to leave the Ring of Power in that funny-sounding, fishy-smelling frog person in exchange for supplies. Frodo. [fades to black]
RW: Day 9. [cut to a BTS still of a smiling...] Benzaie traded the last of our Doritos [cut to a shot of the ring on his right hand] for a worthless ring. We flogged him with our props and chucked it out the car window. [fades to black as does the previous melody; a new melody starts as we fade up on a candid, slow zoom-out still of our next VO:]
Noah Antwiler (NA - in a Southern accent): April 11. My dearest Scarlett, [sounds of rain falling enter] our march to Molossia has been fraught with misfortune. Already we've found ourselves stricken with hunger and sickness; and already, there is grumbling among the men about the leadership of this war. [dissolve to a stock photo of a river in a nice landscape] Two days ago, we attempted to cross the Reese River; [dissolve to an old image of a ferry dock] but JewWario refused to pay for a ferry. So we attempted to ford his wagons [dissolve to an old shot of a raging whitewater river with cattle in the middle trying to cross and getting swept away; the violin music fades out, and fading in are sounds of thunder and rain] across the raging whitewater. Four oxen drowned. [slow dissolve back in of Spoony's previous still] Our supply of Goldfish crackers was totally lost; and several of us have already contracted dysentery. [fade to black; fade in on the previous BTS shot of Rob behind the door of a hotel room]
RW: Day 10. [banjo music plays as a stock picture of oxen pulling a wagon cuts in] We have oxen. I do not know where they came from; [dissolve to a stock slide of an oxen head on the ground] but there they were, just the same. Tonight, we feast. [picture and banjo fade; cut to a slow pan-up of Rob BTS in his overcoat drinking; we hear a harmonica play "Dixie" for the next minute or so] Day 12. Our supplies of oxen jerky, oxen sloppy joes, oxen tacos, oxen stir-fry, oxen smoothies, oxen sundaes, and oxen thermador in a hollandaise sauce on top of oxen confit have run low. [dissolve to a zoom-in of Bargo in a still from the Troll 4 piece] Bargo suggested oxen chutney, but we beat him severely with various small rocks and brush. Just as well. Bargo has eaten enough oxen to offend all 1,400 of his various gods. [dissolve to a stock rendering of an Indian goddess] Not even Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds, will have mercy on him now. [dissolves back to Bargo before fading to black; fade up on a zoom-in of another olden map of Nevada. On it is a fake route of the journey from Reno to Molossia; it practically traverses the entire state instead of just a straight-shot path]
KC: Following Bargo's directions, the troops would arrive a mere 71 days later. [fades out; fade up on a BTS still of our gang trying to get past the Molossia fence. We see Nostalgia Chick trying to get her leg over, Cinema Snob jabbing his spit-gun through the fence, and 8-Bit Mickey stabbing his dagger through as well] However, the crew soon realized that there was a devil at bay. And that devil [quick zoom-in of the landscape in the back] was Mother Nature. [pans to NC in his M. Bison costume] And Doug. [pan back to the cast at the fence] And themselves. [pan out to see everything] There were a lot of devils. [image shrinks to zero as the next caption dissolves in:]
The caption fades as the harmonica music ends.
RW: Day 13. [shot of the Molossia entrance gate; we wear high winds in this next bit] Arrived in Molossia. Seven SUVs there were sent, but only three made it. [dissolve to a zoom-in on Rob in a BTS still with Angry Joe in front of him] The shoot is long, torturous, and fraught with danger. Landscape is a [dissolve to a pan of an illustration of desolate, mountainous scenery] hellish nightmare incomparable to the most frightening works of Lovecraft, [dissolve to a shot of bare brushes] Cronenberg. [dissolve to a still of Kevin Baugh in his Presidential uniform] and Stephenie Meyer. [back to the pan of the desolate view] It's worse than Detroit. It gets worse. [a zoom-in of the cast in the yard BTS] Maudlins and octerocks assail us daily. We have to place thumpers to avoid sandworms. [still of Doug in the Bum costume; his back is toward us] And between every crag and rock, there was a Jawa waiting to steal our laptops and iPhones. [slow zoom-in of the Boundary of Republic of Molossia marker at the ranch] The bastards made off with my GPS. [fade to black; fade in on a pan of a BTS still of the cast in the yard - it spots on Rob filming] In fact, this morning, Chris Larios and Bargo claim they saw a tumbleweed - [dissolve on a tumbleweed in front of a Honda] a fucking tumbleweed, pardon my French. [slow dissolve back to Rob from the previous image] You can imagine our shock, for surely those things only exist in myth and Wile E. Coyote cartoons. [winds and photo fade out.
We hear "Battle Hymn of the Republic" being played on a dulcimer for the next part as we fade up on a candid zoom-out of Nella. Guess who VOs now?]
Lindsay Ellis (LE - in a Southern accent): My darlin' Nella, thoughts of you are the only thing [as we zoom out, we see Lindsay sitting next to her] that keep me afloat in these dark, dark times, even though I know [dissolve to another older photo of the two, sitting on a couch. This may be from their college days. Lindsay's holding a white pillow with the male gender "Mars" symbol on it; Nella cuddles a black pillow with the female "Venus" symbol] people will take that quote and use it as an excuse to write erotic fan-fiction about the two of us. [photo fades] These people don't understand the importance of coffee [a drawing meant to mimic a 1950s advertisement appears, saying: "Coffee! You can sleep when you're dead"] to any successful film shoot. They bring us out here to shoot [cut to a BTS photo of Rob filming Doug & Lindsay in the hotel] twelve-hour days but don't supply us with any coffee. [dissolve to another BTS photo of the two in the doorway of that room; zoom-in on Lindsay] What swill I have found is the kind that makes your stomach churn - like those grits 'n bacon you made that one time, [dissolve to the opening graphic of Lindsay's Feedback videos; but over the title is another fake '50s ad: "DRINK COFFEE - Do Stupid Things Faster with More Energy"] the kind that Starbucks, only in the deepest tresses of Nevada, could come up with. [image and dulcimer fade]
LK: [cut to LK in his camouflage face mask as we hear a dobro playing] I'm wearin' a face mask. Rob says it's one of the most frightening things he's even seen. Rollo T told me to take it off. [the dobro fades and is replaced by sounds of a fire burning; we dissolve to a pan of the Year Two cast photo, scanning over LK in costume with Bargo kneeling in front of him] Now look, we're in the middle of the desert; and they send Bargo out to get suntan lotion. He's the blackest person out here. If you poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire, he still wouldn't get sunburned. I'm keepin' the mask. [fire and photo fade; cut of a BTS shot of Spoony, Linkara, and Lee on the Baugh's couch with LordKat leaning on its back; we zoom in on Spoony, who looks a bit angry, as we hear "Yankee Doodle" played by a fife and drum band]
NA: My dearest Scarlett, MarzGurl [brief dissolve in and out of MarzGurl from Kickassia walking past her troops] continues to beat us mercilessly for dereliction of duty. And Bennett the Sage has begun acting in a most peculiar fashion, [cut to a zoom-out BTS shot of Bennett] accusing the enlisted men of being radioactive [pan down to see him holding an open bottle of water] and has begun saving his own urine in jars in case the worst should happen, he says. [fade black to Spoony on the couch] I miss you terribly. Private Noah Antwiler, 1st Lightsaber Brigade. [music and pic fade out; fade in on a zoom-in still of the gang in their first charge on Molossia as we hear some commotion from stock troops]
LK: Doug ordered me to run up a hill several times today. Can't he see that I'm shaped like a bell? [cut to a BTS shot of LK chilling in a hotel room; sound drops out] Unh. He also hasn't noticed that my [dissolve back to a zoom-in on him in the cast photo; the troops fade back in] "weapons" consist of two water guns I bought from a dollar store. I'm worried that our "glorious leader" here might be blind. Or stupid. Or both. [fades out; we fade up on a still of our next VO from the movie]
Paul Schuler (PS - in a Southern accent, acting very weary): [as he speaks, we hear battle sounds like a bugle blowing] My dearest Sarah, keeping the troops motivated during these times and tribulations is indeed a daunting task. [we fade in on an overlaid image of the cover of some vintage sheet music: "Hoity-Toity", "King Kazoo of Kakaroo" "sung by John T. Kelly"] I fear that even the most heartfelt kazoo serenades are no longer enough to drive the men into battle anymore. [sheet music shot fades] We are hungry, and we are tired. [photo fades]
RW: My darling Erin, [the commotion continues as we hear "Taps" being played throughout this next speech; fade up on a zoom-in BTS shot of Rob amidst the cast] the casualties grow. [dissolve on a still of the rock that Rob tripped over while filming; this was taken from the bloopers] My leg was busted on a sharp rock. [dissolve on a BTS shot of Doug in costume] Doug seemed only concerned about the camera. He made me do the shot again - thrice, as a lesson to keep my balance. [dissolve back to the previous still of Rob] He then kicked me in the shin for requesting a first-aid kit. [fade up on a BTS of MarzGurl sitting on a hotel bed with Linkara relaxing next to her] MarzGurl has become sick with a Japanese superflu, [dissolve to LordKat at the Baugh's couch again] and LordKat's leg snapped like a Twix - [cut to a shot from the bloopers of LordKat running on his own] there was a cookie crunch. Spoony has become [dissolve to Spoony in a shot from the film in a white lab coat] sunburned and succumbed to heat stroke. He rants about mysterious battles and [fade up on a zoom-in of Noah in a ninja mask in a hotel room, possibly for the Warrior Comics review] charges at small rabbits, proclaiming them enemies of the Jedi order. [cut to black; fade up on a BTS still of Doug wearing JewWario's hat] Doug's sun poisoning is no better. [this images moves to screen left as another candid still of Spoony appears on screen right; after a few seconds, the color tone shifts to dark red] Together, they look like strung out, shriveled-up extras from Revenge of the Killer Tomatoes. [dissolve to a zoom-out still of Mickey from Kickassia as Benzaie draws muscles on his chest] 8-Bit Mickey's nipples have contracted frostbite. [dissolve to a zoom-out from Mickey of him riding Tom's back from the film] And his horse, Handsome Tom, had to be put down after he broke his leg - [we dissolve to a still of Tom from the film standing as we hear a gun being cocked] the gunshot still haunts me to this day. [we hear a gun blast and a horse neighing loudly as the pic of Tom fades] Speaking of haunted, [fade up on a still of Bargo as Ma-Ti from the Captain Planet review] Bargo walked alone into the desert the other day [wind sounds come in as we dissolve to a stock image of another mountainous area] and returned speaking of [dissolve to a still of Bargo as Ma-Ti in Kickassia] penguins and pudding. [dissolve to a zoom-in of Snob in a BTS still] Only Cinema Snob understands him. He cut his finger on [dissolve to a zoom-in on Brad in the scene from Kickassia where people fight over the hat] Doug's hat and contracted blood poisoning. He now fancies himself as Colonel Sanders. ["Taps" finishes as we cut to black.
Banjo and guitar play during this next part as we fade in on Brad in a zoom-in candid shot from the Walker's basement in front of their bar]
Brad Jones: (in a thick Southern drawl) It was the year of our Lord, 2010 in the month of April. I had been given the order from [dissolve to a zoom-in on the hat-grab scene from before, this time on Lindsay] General Walker to grab the dictator hat [dissolve to a pan of Brad's hand grabbing the hat] from that there yonder Nostalgia Chick. Upon grabbin' the hat off the notorious Fuhrer, [cut to a still of Brad, maybe BTS; as the image pans down, it slowly turns to red] I looked down to notice red bubblin' crude. Texas Hawaiian Punch - blood, if you will - guzzlin' from my finger. [fades out; fade up on a BTS of Brad relaxing in a hotel room] Now, I'm willin' to pass this off as an accident. But then [pan over to see Doug in the room, we zoom-in on him] why did I see Doug strappin' barbed wire around the hat just before filmin'? Seems like he had it out for my middle finger. But the joke was on him. [image zooms out so we can see everyone in the room] For the rest of the evenin', he saw a lot more of that there middle finger. [cuts to black, but the music continues]
LE: [fade up of a candid of Nella carrying a case at the bottom of a stairwell] My darlin' Nella, I don't know how much more of this I can take. [dissolve to a slow zoom-in of another fake '50s ad: "I haven't had my coffee yet - Don't make me kill you"] My coffee reserves are at their lowest yet, and Doug's directing [dissolve to a still from Kickassia of Doug calling out for "Ladders!"; we zoom in on Lindsay] leaves something to be desired. He doesn't think my running gag of beverage-always-in-hand is funny. How can't he see the brilliance of it all, I'll never understand. [audio and visual fade out; we fade in on some of the cast on the Baugh's couch looking at an Apple laptop on Mickey's lap; we zoom in on our next VO:]
NA: April 12th. My love, Scarlett, [wind noises throughout] Molossia is a harsh, uncivilized land. We've not seen a Starbucks in a fortnight, [dissolve to a stock photo of an old Army soldier with tin mug in hand] and our coffee supplies dwindled in three days. [fades out; fade in on a zoom-in of a BTS still of Lindsay in the yard] The Nostalgia Chick suffered the worst of all of us, I think, growing increasingly paranoid and belligerent. In her caffeine-deprived delirium, [wolf growling fades in] she sprouted a thick coat of hair all over her body [dissolve to a zoom-in of an image of Sasquatch, supposedly] and leapt into the wilderness. I've not seen her in days and fear the worst. [fades out; cut to a quick zoom-out of Noah on the couch as before] Private Noah Antwiler, 1st Lightsaber Brigade. [fade to black; dobro music enters again as we see LK in a Kickassia still]
LK: You know, if Spoony chews anymore scenery, Kevin's gonna have to relocate Molossia to his neighbor's junkyard.
RW: [cut of a pan over Rob in a BTS still] Erin, the situation grows dire. [dissolve to a shot of Rob's injured leg, taken from the Vlog] My leg is going gangrene. [dissolve to a pan-up of Bargo in a BTS still from Year One] Bargo thinks he may have to amputate. We have no anesthetic. [fade to black; fade up of a pan-over of the title of the next film mentioned] I have taken to watching Biodome to try and numb the pain. Pauly Shore numbs the extremities, you see. [fades to black; cut to a pan-up on of Linkara BTS in the Walker's basement in front of the bar as spacey, science-fiction music plays] Linkara promises that Frankenstein Meets the Martians is better than morphine. I look forward to the sweet release of death that is his taste in films. [fades to black]
LK: [bugles play as we fade in on a zoom-in of LK in Kickassia who does a face-palm, then a quick dissolve to a still of Ben and Linkara, the latter wearing his Patton helmet] Linkara took his Patton impersonation too far and has taken fifteen of us as POWs. [dissolve to a zoom-in on Linkara in Kickassia at the end of the lines in the hotel, addressing the "troops"] He's forcing us to watch Frankenstein Meets the Monster. You know, [dissolve to a zoom-in on Linkara BTS while on the Baughs' couch] I'm convinced that, in a jar of chocolate-chip cookies, Linkara is the slice of whole-wheat bread. [cut to black as the bugles stop]
RW: [fade in on a pan down of Rob filming BTS, this as we hear ambient nature sounds as well as another fife and drum corps playing; eventually, Lindsay comes into view] Dear Erin, Lindsay ran out of coffee. We have seen no hide nor hair of her for six days. We fear the worst. Still, [dissolve to a photo of a cut of steak on a counter] we leave a raw steak and used coffee grounds out on the back porch every night. It is gone by morning. [fades to black; fade up on Lindsay zoomed-in from the previous still] This gives us hope. [fade to black; fade up on someone's injured right ankle, a stock photo, in a purplish tone; the ambient sounds fade] My leg is now turned purple. Bargo will attempt [dissolve to a stock photo of a surgeon in an operating room drawing where cuts will be made on a body] to take it off with Paw's jagged kazoo. I have the utmost [dissolve to a zoom-in of Bargo in a still from the bloopers] faith in him. He says he's studied under the famed surgeon, Dr. Nick Riviera. [cut to black]
PS: [cut to a pan-up of Paw sitting in a van from BTS] Day 3. [dissolve to a pan-over of old war-time photos, this as war sounds are being played] The Molossians are on the defensive and resumed the carpet-bombing. [dissolve to a zoom-in from BTS on someone in the cast laying down] There are many wounded. [dissolve to a zoom-out of a kazoo being held in someone's palms] I had to amputate a man's leg with my kazoo. [dissolve to a still from Kickassia on Paw behind Ben suggesting he use Beary in the invasion] The screams were incredible. [we fade to black as we hear screaming from someone]
RW: [fade in on ambient sounds and a zoom-in BTS still of Rob with Tom] My darling Erin, I am only three-quarters of the man you once knew. My leg is gone. [dissolve to a zoom-in on what may be a fake leg with some markings on it] I left what remained of it on the back porch, but it disappeared overnight. [dissolve to a zoom-in on Sasquatch from before] I believe Lindsay returned and ate it. [fades to black as we fade up on Rob again from just before; we start hearing coyotes howling in the background] I miss your gentle touch. [dissolve to a pan-up of a stock photo of a coyote indeed howling to the moon] Only the coyotes serenade us to sleep. [as we see the moon, we zoom in on it; and a slow zoom-in on Lindsay from before is overlaid] Some of us say you can hear Lindsay among them. God, I worry about her. [we dissolve to the BTS photo from before of Bennett, and we hear piano being played during his VO]
Bennett White: (in a very exaggerated Southern accent) To my dearest Moxy, it has been too long since I last held you [dissolve to a pan up of a rag doll, which later stops] in my arms and smelled your anachronistically shampooed hair. The thought of your silky body pressed up against mine is one of only two thoughts that get me through this [dissolve to a still of Joe in Kickassia firing wildly] hellish nightmare of Nintendo zappers and poorly Photoshopped explosions. [cut to Bennett in Kickassia standing in line from the Linkara shot from before] The other thought being that I'm not alone in my lonesome. [dissolve to a pan of a stock photo a Civil War-era tent and its contents] My tent is right next to Spoony's; and every night, I hear a [slow dissolve to a shot of the moon that fades in and out] quiet whimper emanating from behind his tent flaps. His sobbing over being apart from his fair Scarlett, while emasculating, has a poetic somberness about it that no Byron or Shakespeare could ever wrangle down in words. [dissolve to a zoom-in of Spoony BTS on a hotel room bed] Why, just the other day, he fashioned himself a makeshift real doll in the likeness of his beloved Scarlett [a stock photo of wood set-up for a campfire fades in and out on screen-left] out of twigs, rocks, cacti, and most anything a man could find on this God-forsaken blasted land that is Mr. Baugh's property. The rest of us thought it was cute - at first - until he woke up [the image of zooms pans down to his crotch, where it stops] the next morning with bandages wrapped around his tallywhacker. [dissolve to a candid BTS shot of Noah in the Baugh's kitchen] I do believe the boy has issues. [cut to a Kickassia still of Bennett in the hotel room at night] Lieutenant Bennett White, MD, 1st Battalion. [audio and image fade]
KC: [fade in on a BTS still of the cast standing around] As the days stretched into months, [dissolve to a candid BTS of some of the guys wearing Insano goggles] so did the crazy, threatening to unravel everything [dissolve to a pan down of a packed cinema where we the projector showing a movie] like a bad M. Night Shyamalan film. [such as Lady in the Water, which is caption over the cinema photo; fade to black as the next caption fades in and out:
THE MOUTH OF MADNESS
Fade up on a headshot of Noah on screen left. As he speaks, we hear war noises in the background:]
NA: April 13th. [on the right of the screen is a pan of the Molossia map] Scarlett, my love, the war goes poorly for us. [the map switches to a still of Kevin Baugh in his Presidential outfit, then of one from Kickassia, pointing his gun at the camera] General Baugh's forces are putting up an unexpected amount of resistance, and morale remains low. [cut to black; fade in on a Kickassia still of Joe shooting through the fence, zooming in on his gun] Angry Joe continues to panic at the sight of small woodland creatures [the color changes from B&W to gold] and fires indiscriminately at road signs. [dissolve to a zoom-in on Mickey in the cast photo] 8 Bit Mickey has fashioned a grizzly necklace, fashioned from human ears, [the screen goes gold again] even though Molossia has not suffered any actual casualties. [war noises fade as we dissolve to a BTS still of Mickey; we zoom in as the screen turns red] I fear to ask where he got them. [dissolve to a slow zoom-in of Benzaie in a film still as he nods to us, prepping for battle; nature noises in the back] And Benzaie has already surrendered seven times, once before we even left and once to me. [cut to black]
LK: [fade in on a fast zoom-in on LK in a BTS still as we hear lots of gunfire] I saw Angry Joe [quick dissolve to a pan-up of a Kickassia still showing Joe firing his guns as he awaits the charge] spinning in a circle, firing his guns in the air. I think he might actually have [dissolve to a BTS shot of Joe] pre-traumatic stress disorder. Either that, or he's nuts; and, considering that he's wearing a leather jacket in the middle of the desert, [dissolve to a different BTS image of Joe smiling] the odds are that he's bat-shit insane. [the gunfire and picture fade out; we fade in on a zoom-out BTS shot of Rob standing next to costumed Doug as ominous violin music plays]
RW: My dearest Erin, Doug continues to descend into madness. He has accused fire ants of shuffling too loudly, [dissolve to a zoom-out BTS picture of Rob filming Doug calling out "Ladders!"] and he beat me with Linkara's helmet for not holding the camera steady enough. I tried to explain to him that it's difficult to film while [cut to a stock photo of someone standing with a leg cut off; we only pan up so that we can't see the torso] hopping on one leg. He stole my antibiotics [dissolve to a zoom-in of NC looking back at Spoony after trying to summon Insano] for my insolence and told me to contemplate the meaning of cream cheese. I have no idea what he's talking about. [audio and picture fade. Cut to a zoom-out of a shot of the cast running toward the camera, likely from the bloopers; we hear stock yelling]
LK: More running today. [slow dissolve to a previous BTS photo of LK] I managed to roll my ankle four times in a row. That was a fascinating experience. [brief fade in and out of the cast-running shot overlaying LK] I've never quite felt such a surge of pain run up the side of my leg before. Coulda done without it. [cut to black]
RW: [cut to a pan of a BTS still of Rob filming in the hotel room] My dearest Erin, Bargo thinks [dissolve to a zoom-in BTS photo of Bargo and Ben as we hear a chainsaw being run] he may have to amputate the other leg. I told him, "Over my dead body." [loud chainsaw roar as we cut to black. The saw fades out and somber piano music fades in for the next minute. Zoom in on Rob in a BTS still from inside the Baugh living room] My sweet Erin, I am only half the man you knew. Bargo amputated my other leg after [brief fade in and out of Bargo as Ma-Ti from the blooper reel] diagnosing me with "lone leg syndrome." I am now filming on a [brief fade in and pout of a...] Radio Flyer wagon. Doug says it's the most stable camera dolly he's ever seen. [brief fade in and out of Doug wearing J-Dub's hat] I hate that man. I hate him so very much. [cut to black]
PS: My dearest Sarah, [dissolve to a zoom-in BTS pic of Paul on a hotel bed wearing oversized Insano shades] I fear I've made enemies of many of the men today. I suggested to the Lord High Regent that we push forward [dissolve to a stock photo of some soldiers firing] into the night and face severe reprisal. [dissolve to a pan-up BTS image of Doug in costume looking at the Baugh front yard] Fortunately, the Lord High Regent said somethin' about only being able to shoot [dissolve back to Paul on the bed] in the daylight, whatever that means. [cut to black; dissolve to a pan-zoom-in on LK in the BTS still with him on the back of the couch]
LK: Yeah. We're gonna die. A lot. [the piano and pic fade out]
RW: [fade up on a montage of shots with Ben, J-Dub, and MarzGurl playing video games in the hotel game room; we hear a combo of stock video game sounds and "Camptown Races" being played on a vintage stand-up piano] Last night, the troops rested at the local arcade. [here we zoom in on Marz] There, MarzGurl played Dance Dance Revolution well into the night. Then, after beating the hardest level, [dissolve to a close-up of a shadowy man from some movie; the music changes to some dramatic, Anime-style, science-fiction music] she was approached by a man named Centauri and spirited away [dissolve to a photo of a comet over some skyline] to help the Rylans Starleague defeat Xur in the Kodan empire. [the music switches to a harmonica playing as we dissolve to a Kickassia still of the guys looking on as Lee fights] The men's morale is at a new low. She was [dissolve to a split screen. On the left is a pan-up of a still from Kickassia where Linkara holds MarzGurl on the ground; on the right is a BTS shot of Kaylyn] the last chick among us. Film Brain cried [the split pictures fade out; we fade in and zoom-in on Mathew in a BTS image from the hotel room] and cried hard. He cried for all of us. You see, she was [dissolve to a zoom-in on the Kickassia scene where Marz "hugs" Brain] his last chance to have carnal relations before he'd surely die in the desert. [fade to black; fade in on a zoom-in of Ben on the bed in what may be from the bloopers looking at Linkara] Benzaie tried to comfort him in the interest of Anglo-French relations. [dissolve to a zoom-out of a BTS shot of Ben and Mathew] I will speak no more of this. [cut to black]
LK: [cut to a pan-up of LK on the back of the couch again] Our supply of food has been [quick dissolve to a pan of Linkara in Kickassia rubbing his temple] temporarily cut off as both Linkara and "glorious leader" [dissolve to a pan of another still where NC is about to get hurt by his minions] have failed to order pizza from Domino's - twice. [cut to Spoony in Kickassia after saying, "That was the past!" with THAT face] Spoony has taken drastic measures and eaten his left foot. [dissolve to a zoom-in on the crew eating BTS] Considering that there's an all-you-can-eat buffet downstairs, I think we all might be a little psychotic. [fade to black as the music ends]
RW: [cut to a zoom-out of Rob BTS, the main one from his first "letter"] Erin, startling news: [cut to a zoom-out of Lindsay BTS, carrying a high-heel shoe; we hear dogs barking] Lindsay was found in the desert by Animal Control. Apparently, she was [dissolve to a zoom-in on a stock photo of coyotes in the wild] living with a pack of coyotes, subsisting on [dissolve back to Lindsay] wild nuts, berries, and carrion. [dissolve to a zoom-in of an old photo of a building] After filming, we visited her in a local asylum. [dissolve to a zoom-in of the staff of an old medical facility] The psychiatrist explained to us that she's become a "wild child" [brief dissolve in and out on a BTS photo on Lindsay in the hotel as we hear screaming] and invented her own Nell-style language to communicate. [cut to black; fade in on the previous still of Doug and Lindsay BTS; we slowly zoom-in on Doug] Doug has been forbidden from visiting her for he is what she calls, "Anatuwa baka kuso," or "the evil white devil what directs like shit." [cut to black; fade up on the Rob photo again with a brief fade in-and-out of someone holding a bouquet of flowers] I gave her some flowers and a gift certificate to Starbucks. She said nothing. Poor soul. I wonder what goes on behind that thousand-yard stare. [fade to black. The following caption appears:
- Actual Lindsay Audio Transcript - / June 20, 2010
As the caption appears, we hear Lindsay in a montage of sounds, imitating Jodie Foster in the movie Nell. I can't do this justice. However, you can tell that parts of this are being played on a keyboard. When the caption fades, we slowly zoom-in on Lindsay in the old photo of her clutching the pillow. As Lindsay "speaks", we see the following translation:
"And I looked; and behold, there was a pale horse. And its rider's name was DOUG! And HELL followed with him! And lo, there shall be a cry for coffee in Molossia... Such as there never HAS been nor WILL be again!!!"
We fade to black. Fade in on a pan of the photo where people look at Mickey's laptop. We zoom in on Bargo in the background as we hear the dobro music again]
LK: We sent Bargo off nine hours ago to fetch reef supplies for the front lines. [dissolve to a photo of the tops of 24 water bottles] He's returned with twelve bottles of water [dissolve to a fast pan-up of a penguin] and a very sad penguin. [there is an overlay of a BTS photo of the cast, which pans left until it lands on Lee] I'm of the opinion we should kill him and give the penguin his job. Lee disagrees and demands that we be able to watch golf with the penguin. I'm not about to argue with a two-dimensional man. [cut to black as the dobro music fades and is replaced by some Spanish guitar, perhaps. Cut to a zoom-out of Rob in the hotel room]
RW: My darling Erin, abandon all hope ye who enter here. [dissolve to a montage of a BTS image of some of the cast in the Baughs' driveway, Bennett wiping his tears with his Uzi from the film, and a BTS pic of the cast in the house] The troops are battered, and our sanity broken. [dissolve to a zoom-in on a BTS still of Lee with a brief fade in and out of a Mack truck] Lee declared himself a "nine-vulnerable, two-dimensional superbeing" and challenged a Mack truck to a battle of strength. He lost. [we hear a truck horn passing by; cut to a montage of BTS images of J-Dub] JewWario abandoned his Jewish roots and declared himself the Messiah. Some say he ascended into heaven after a lunch of bread and Mountain Dew. Some say he's been accosting hikers in the foothills and asking them for worship. No one knows for sure. [cut to a zoom-in of an older pic of Bennett] Only Bennett has managed to maintain his grip on reality. [zoom-in of a stock photo of a finger puppet] He talks to his finger puppets all day. [cut to a still from the movie of Bargo as Ma-Ti on screen right] Bargo, meanwhile, has begun preparing large batches of Kool-Aid. [a stock photo of a large cooler of punch on the left; we zoom in on that until is dissolves into a panned BTS mug of...] Phelous drank some of it and decided to take a nap - for six days. [panning BTS image of someone laying down, maybe Tom] We're hopeful he'll wake up soon. [brief fade in and out on a BTS snap of Phelous in Molossia] Real hopeful. [fade on a slow scan of Rob in the photo that started this segment] I bumped my arm on the car door today. Bargo says he'll "take a look at it." [fade to black; the music changed to some horn-led muted military music with that BTS shot of LK by the couch]
LK: Rollo T has slowly slipped away [dissolve to a BTS shot of Rollo T in his reporter's garb] into insanity. He keeps trying to interview people [dissolve to a BTS shot of Rollo T interviewing Joe in the movie] for his "news segment." [dissolve to a BTS scan of Rollo T looking happy] I think the combination of Lost ending and Doug's directing has finally broken the poor man. [cut to black as the music fades]
RW: [harmonica music starts again as we cut to the familiar BTS shot of Rob] My loveliest Erin, I am only a quarter of a man. [cut to a slow zoom-in on Bargo's eyes in a BTS still; this as we hear sawing noises in the back] Bargo had to amputate the other arm, due to a case of what he calls "near-fatal non-Hodgkin's lymphatic tennis elbow." [dissolve back to Rob] I questioned his expertise, [dissolve to a zoom-in on Doug in Kickassia about to shoot Insano; the sawing stops] but Doug told me to go to Canada if I wanted better health care. God, I hate him. I hate him still. [dissolve back to Rob] At least I still have my one arm left. [fade to black as the harmonica ends]
LK: [we hear the dobro again as we fade and zoom in on a different BTS image of LK that dissolves into Rob at the hotel door; weird discordant music enters] Rob fell and cut his leg up pretty badly, although it didn't look too bad to me; [dissolve to a low zoom-out of Bargo as Ma-Ti in Kickassia in the white room] but Bargo insisted on amputating his left just to be safe. Then he cut off Rob's other leg. And his arms. I don't really know why he did that - something about "tennis elbow." [dissolve to the shot of the penguin] But ever since the episode with the penguin, I really don't question Bargo's motives. [dissolve to the shot of the gang confronting NC] On the bright side, instead of waiting for Lewis and Doug to figure out how to order pizza, [dissolve to a zoom-in of LK from one of his Until We Win shows] we can just eat Rob's arms. Awesome.
RW: [cut to a previous BTS scan of Rob as plaintive violin music fades in] My sweet Erin, I have lost the other arm. [dissolve to a BTS shot of Bargo in the "cafeteria"] Bargo cut it off in the middle of the night to be [dissolve to a pan of someone with amputated arms] symmetrical. I am currently writing to you [dissolve to a zoom-in on someone...] with a pen in my mouth. My lips are blistered and sore. [dissolve to a zoom-in of a stock photo of...] A scorpion stung me in the middle of the night. [dissolve to a BTS shot of Rob that pans off him] The pain was strangely refreshing. Missing you, as always... Rob. [music and image fade]
LK: [cut to a still of Insano cackling from Kickassia as the dramatic music LK had in a previous letter continues] Spoony thinks he's really Dr. Insano, and he really did take over Molossia. [cut to a still of NC and Insano fighting, Doug's hand on Sano's face] I tried telling him that this is just a film we're shooting, [dissolve to the LK shot at the couch] but he refuses to believe me and keeps trying to throw force lighting at me [dissolve to a shot of Insano throwing lightning from the move as the screen slowly tints to green] while yelling some nonsense about science. The poor guy. [cut to black]
RW: [cut to a BTS still; we zoom out on Rob and pull to see Beary on Bennett's cap; the music also changes to discordant string-quartet music] My darling Erin, the men continue to deteriorate. Rumors are spreading [quick dissolve to a quick scan of the cast in the yard] that JewWario is [dissolve to a BTS still of J-Dub in the hotel] among us again, [dissolve to a zoon-in of J-Dub's bat that's he's holding outside as the screen tints red] and he demands a sacrifice. [dissolve to a still from when Rob fell down; we zoom-in on J-Dub in the distance, whose figure looks somewhat mysterious] I don't believe in such ghost stories, but I worry about the others. God, I worry. [fade to black]
LK: [quick fade up on LK in the hotel] With all the food gone, we were forced to eat Bargo. [cut to a still of Ma-Ti delivering the last warning to NC; on screen-left, a BTS pic of J-Dub pops up] JewWario insisted. [quick cut back to LK] I didn't exactly put up a fight. [cut to black]
RW: [quick dissolve in of that BTS shot of Rob, which quickly changes to a still of Bargo as Ma-Ti, looking at us intently] Bargo nearly died today at the hands of a cannibalistic mob. [dissolve to a zoom-in on Snob yelling at the table from the movie; we hear angry mob noises; quick dissolve to Bargo in the Troll 4 piece] He only escaped when an argument broke out over ketchup or mustard. [fades out; quick fade in and out of Rob again as the mob dies down] I voted barbecue sauce.
LK: [fade up on LK BTS again, which turns into a fast zoom-out of a still from the film at the Snob trial] Doug has gone crazy with power. Uh, well, [dissolve to a shot from Kickassia; slow zoom-in on NC addressing Snob from his chair] he's just crazy. He wears that M. Bison outfit [dissolve to a zoom-in of NC in costume standing on a rock, pointing outward] constantly now, shouting orders out even when there's nothin' to say. [fade to black]
PS: [fade in on a zoom-in of Paw in the strategy session from the movie; the music changes to a lush piano piece] I don't pretend to fathom war, [quick dissolve to a stock image of a war-time trench, then to NC on the rock again, then back to Paw] much less the plans of the Lord High Regent. If anything should [dissolve to a pan of a BTS shot of Paw in the hotel, stopping on his phones] happen to me, see that I'm buried [a stock shot of a barren cemetery is overlaid] in my headphones. And... [fades out as a zoom-in on Joe in a BTS photo fades in] keep Angry Joe away from my sister. Know that [dissolve back to the shot of Paw behind Ben; a brief fade in and out of an Army soldier with his hands over his face, presumably crying, comes into view] I only live to see you again. Yours forever, Paw. [fades to black]
KC: [dissolve to a zoom-in on an old photo of a line of soldiers with their hands on the shoulders of the person in front of them - like a train] Eventually, the shoot would end not with a bang, but with a whimper... [fades to black] a whimper that would go out [quick fade in of a Kickassia still of Insano yelling into his stethoscope, which blows out NC's eardrums] like a bang, [quick dissolve to a stock shot of an olden diary] spoken here in this final entry. [music and photo fade out as this caption appears:
THE FINAL DAYS
We hear the start of "Amazing Grace" on the violin from the near-start of the film. Fade up on a BTS still of Rob's back to the camera]
RW: My dear Erin, most of the crew are gone. [dissolve to a stock still of two people in lawnchairs overlooking a valley; there look like kites in the air] Only Doug, Bargo, and I remain. Doug has [dissolve to a BTS shot of Doug filming something] taken to directing phantom actors that aren't there. Bargo has been cast as [dissolve to a BTS image of Bargo in silhouette, who appears to be flying a kite in the late day] twelve of the principal actors, including Lord Penguin, a camera that he wrote in at the last minute that has currently being played by a twig. [dissolve to the BTS shot of Rob's back] The camera is mounted on my head, glued to Linkara's abandoned helmet. [dissolve to a BTS shot of Doug filming outside, using his tri-pod] I simply count the passing minutes of the sun and... [slow dissolve in of that shot of Rob again, which was panned up slowly into the sky] await the inevitable end. If you receive no further letters from me, know that I love you - I love you so very much. And I hate Doug. I hate him so fucking much, pardon my French. [dissolve to a BTS shot of the Baugh landscape] I have some hope that the rocks [dissolve to a photo of some rocks in the sand that spell out a letter] that I have arranged with my teeth over the course of several nights will catch somebody's eye. [dissolve back to the landscape] It simply says, "Help. Send choppers." Let it be [dissolve to a slow zoom-out of a long overcoat, hung over maybe a cactus in the desert] my gravemarker. Forever yours... 'til the bitter end... Robert Walker, [almost breathless] Director of Photography. [fades slowly to black; then quickly, we see this:
6 Hours Later
We quickly fade on a pan-up BTS shot of Doug and Rob talking in the driveway]
RW: My most precious and sweet, loving Erin, I forgot to take the lens cap off. Doug says, "We need to start over." Shit. [cut to black as the music now swells for the final chorus, which plays for about thirty seconds. We see a dissolve montage of the following: the sun over a barren patch of desert, a make-shift grave with two large wooden sticks as a cross, the cannon in the Baugh front yard, and a close-up of the "Welcome to Molossia" sign. Mr. Costner enters one last time:]
KC: There is a legend in the hallways of Channel Awesome. [dissolve to a panning BTS shot of Doug filming] It says that once Doug has said "Cut" for the last time, a star fell [dissolve to a stock photo of the Chicago skyline; we zoom in on a post-production light that flickers for a few seconds before dying out] over Chicago. No one knows if it is true, but Doug did have this one last entry before succumbing to the sands of the desert:
Doug Walker: (scoffs) What a bunch of pussies. [fade to black as the music ends.
For this next montage, a stock choral rendition of "Battle Hymn of the Republic" is played. For whoever the captions address, we start with a BTS shot of that person with Beary either on their head or shoulder, unless noted. That photo zooms out to the top of the screen as the captions appear underneath. We start with Brad holding a water bottle, Beary on his head]
"Cinema Snob recovered from his wounds and regained his sultry voice. He now co-hosts "The Brad and Kathie in the Mornings Gonzo Wacky Go Fun Hour with Traffic 'n Weather" on WSUK Radio Springfield.
He also plays Ronald McDonald in TV commercials nationwide."
Paw has Beary on his head.
"Paw was so moved by his by his desert experience that he wrote a concerto called "Requiem for a Kazoo." It can be heard in elevators across the country.
And the Home Shopping Network."
So do Rollo T.
"Chris "Rollo T" Larios eventually replaced Anderson Cooper on CNN. He was soon fired after being charged with sexual harassment by Christiane Amanpour.
And Wolf Blitzer."
Beary is on LK's left shoulder; he has his tongue out, as if he wants to lick it. Okay...
"LordKat returned to his native New Jersey. 9 out [of] 10 historians agree he would've been better off in the desert."
Beary is on Lee's head.
"Lee from Still Gaming doesn't want to talk about it."
Same for J-Dub.
"Jew Wario was last seen heading east near Six Mile Canyon.
If you have any information about his whereabouts, please call the FBI."
"Bennet [sic] The Sage received a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for his work in Immersive Hand Puppet Therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
He lost to Barack Obama.
Hostages were taken, and the resulting police standoff earned Bennet [sic] a thirty year prison sentence.
He'll be eligible for parole in 2023."
"Despite the loss of his nipples, 8 Bit Mickey went on to have a very successful porno career."
"After being 'put down', Handsome Tom crawled out of his shallow grave and to the nearest hospital. He decided not to press charges because he's that nice of a guy."
"Film Brain went back to London. When asked at customs if he had anything to declare, he simply said, 'Yeah, don't go to America.' A picture of Benzaie hangs in his bedroom window for unknown reasons."
Well, of course, the same for...
"Benzaie surrendered to himself a hundred times on the flight home, officially making him his own POW. He has since imprisoned himself in his own Paris apartment and is starting is own secret 'Resistance' to overthrow his tyrannical regime.
He sends war torn testaments of love to Film Brain via carrier pigeon."
"MarzGurl returned from her interstellar adventure, proclaiming her victory over the evil forces of Xur and the ultimate mastery of the Dance Dance Revolution Starfighter's secret 'Death Blossom' technique.
"Angry Joe overcame his rage and became a Zen buddhist. He now lives a life of solitude in Thailand as a snake fisherman. Although strictly a pacifist, he indiscriminately kills Burmese soldiers and violently saves humanitarian hostages just to keep up appearances."
Beary is on Phelous' left shoulder.
"Phelous still remains in a coma. He is currently on display in a glass case at the Edmonton Mall and has since been labeled 'Canada's Most Exciting Attraction.'
Nobody since him has tried Bargo's Kool-Aid."
Beary is nowhere to be found for Linkara's mug; he's in his Star Trek uniform wearing a white wig.
"Linkara was stripped of his commission after he was accused of slapping a soldier. However, he was later reinstated after it was discovered that the soldier he slapped was Bargo.
He currently runs a comic book shop and weapons depot in Minneapolis."
Beary re-appears on the shoulder of...
"Spoony returned to his sweet Scarlett.
To this day, whenever asked about his experience in the desert, he simply claims it was 'Worse than Final Fantasy VIII, IX, and Highlander 2 put together.'"
And on the head of...
"Lindsay eventually regained her cognitive abilities and now chairs a therapy group for Caffeine Addicts Anonymous. On weekends, she retreats to the woods and hunts game with her bare teeth.
She can only be killed by a silver bullet."
"Bhargav bought a penguin after returning home. The two now perform their own brand of off-kilter comedy together on Cartoon Network's 'Bhargav and Penguin Awesome Show, Great Job' (currently running on Adult Swim.)
He currently claims diplomatic immunity with Antarctica in order to avoid charges filed for 'The Phelous Incident.'
The case is currently being adjudicated by a walrus."
We see a shot of Doug in costume talking about ...whatever.
"Doug Walker returned to Chicago and was arrested for war crimes. He was sentenced to three years community service and currently feeds applesauce to 90-year-old invalids at Sunny Acres Retirement Community.
Upon sentencing, his only words were, 'I regret that I had but twenty innocent lives to give to my country!"
We see Rob holding the Kickassia flag from before. By this time, the song has reached its dramatic coda.
"Robert Walker survived The Kickassian War and returned to Chicago.
He died of his wounds a few weeks later.
In Memory 1979 - 2010"
Dissolve to a slow zoom-out on the cast photo. When the music ends, we go to black. For the end credits, we hear a different song being played as the credits roll over a slow pan-around of the Kickassia DVD cover art. The credit sequence is as follows:
Bennet [sic] White
With the Voice Talents of
Robert Walker - Himself
Jason Pullara - Himself
Noah Antwiler - Himself
Bennet [sic] White - Himself
Paw Dugan - Himself
Lindsay Ellis - Herself
Doug Walker - Himself
Kevin Costner - As Himself
Kevin Costner was played
Or was he?
No, really. He was.
It was pretty awful.
His Frodo is better.
Special Thanks To
His Excellency, Kevin Baugh
All of Our Producers
All the Little People We Stepped
On Along the Way
(you know who you are)
Edited and Directed by
Or was it?
No, really. It was.
You've got to admit, it was
I could've done a better job, myself.
End Credits Sequence by
Ha! Thirty-six lines of
text and not a single speling [I think this is intentional]
Take that, nitpickers!
This next bit does not scroll but fades in:
The filmmakers would like you to know: No animals were harmed in the making of this documentary.
As the pan ends on NC, we fade out.
Channel Awesome Tagline: Lindsay doing Nell-speak: Tiki-bye.... Derk, derk.