March 15, 2011
(The review opens in a “Twilight Zone” style, and NC speaks spoofing Rod Serling's narration along with clips from Stephen King’s film adaptations in the background)
NC: You’re entering a world of awkwardness. A world of overused characters and clichés. A world where hammy acting is rewarded and terrible effects are the norm. A world where plot devices are either over-explained or not explained enough. Behind that door is a river of blood. Behind that door are two scary little girls. Behind that door a shitty remake that fucks it all up. You’re about to enter…the Stephen King Miniseries. (He ducks as the title “The Stephen King Miniseries” comes at him)
(Images of Stephen King, the covers of a couple of his books, and posters of film adaptations of his books are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): OK, before you guys go nuts, I want to emphasize I don’t hate Stephen King. He’s a very talented writer and has written some very good stories. But that doesn't mean I have to like everything he’s done, and on top of that, that doesn't mean that the movies and miniseries based on his books are that great, either.
NC: Case in point, (he waves his hands in a spooky manner) “The Langoliers.”
(The title screen for the miniseries is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the miniseries)
NC (voiceover): This is one of those drawn-out miniseries from the mid-‘90s. Everybody was hooked despite its incredibly goofy moments, but were then suddenly let down by one of the silliest payoffs ever.
NC: It’s long, it’s silly, it’s over-the-top. It’s a Stephen King miniseries! Let’s take a look.
NC (voiceover): So we see a bunch of people arriving at an airport in L.A. One of them is a little blind girl named Dinah, one is a woman named Laurel, and one is a British assassin hired to kill somebody. By who, you may ask? Well, by the director himself, Tom Holland!
Harker (Tom Holland): (to Nick Hopewell, the British assassin) See you in London on Saturday. We’ll have a pint to celebrate!
NC (voiceover): Now you might be wondering why I know who Tom Holland is.
NC: Well, I did a little research and found out that he directed such movies as “Child’s Play” and “Fright Night.” (Both posters from those movies are shown briefly) Why does this matter? It doesn't! It doesn't matter at all. They were silly movies then, and they’re silly movies now. (An audience member, taking on the form of trumpet “wah-wahs” like Mrs. Othmar from the “Charlie Brown” cartoons, speaks as if to ask a question) What’s that? Why am I bringing it up then? (He brings up the miniseries’ VHS tape to show the credits on the back of it) Well, I guess I’m wondering why his name takes up TWO THIRDS OF THE CREDITS! (Closeup on Tom Holland’s name, which does stand out in comparison to the rest of the credits) I mean, holy shit! His name is huge! You’ve got all these other people… (He waves them off with dismissive noises) who cares? TOM HOLLAND! OUTLINED IN SHINY, METALLIC LETTERING! It’s bigger than Stephen King’s name! (He puts down the VHS case) Well, I guess if this is the same guy who brought us this…
(Cut to a clip from “Fright Night”)
Evil Ed: Dinner’s in the oven! Mmmmm-mmmmm!
NC: …we’re in good hands.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): By the way, while watching this opening, tell me you don’t want to hear this music.
(Music and dialogue audio from “Airplane!” are being played briefly over the opening scenes of the miniseries)
Announcer (from “Airplane!”): (audio) The White Zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the Red Zone.
NC (voiceover): There’s also a pilot played by David Morse who’s traveling to Boston as a passenger. So everybody boards the shamefully fake CGI plane and wakes up to a shocking surprise. Most of the people on the plane have just vanished.
Dinah: (stands up from her seat) Would somebody speak to me, please? I’m sorry, but my aunt’s gone, and I’m blind. (She feels around and finds a wig of a missing passenger, and she screams; the scream wakes Captain Brian Engle (David Morse), and he goes past several rows of seats to get to her)
Brian Engle: It’s all right, it’s all right. What’s wrong?
Dinah: Where is everybody? They've gone! They've all gone!
Brian: What do you mean, “Where’s everybody?” They’re all right here— (He stands up to see that all the seats in the coach section are empty)
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, you just walked by ten rows, and you didn't notice any of them didn't have people in it? I know you’re a pilot, but surely, you know planes are more full than this!
Laurel: Where is everybody? (Several other passengers left on the plane are up and wondering the same thing) What’s going on?
Dinah: Aunt Vicki! Aunt Vicki!
Craig Toomey (Bronson Pinchot): Hey, what the hell is going on here? Will someone shut this brat up?
NC: Oh, my God. (He gets excited) IS THAT—?
(A shot of Craig Toomey talking is shown with the caption “with Bronson Pinchot as Craig Toomey” shown below him; the intro music to “Perfect Strangers, "Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now", plays here)
NC (voiceover): IT IS! It’s Balki from “Perfect Strangers”!
NC: Oh, oh Jesus! Please tell me he gives an over-the-top performance!
Craig: I have a meeting at Boston’s Predential Center at 9 o’clock this morning! Promptly at 9 o’clock! That’s what’s important.
(Heavenly music plays as NC prays)
NC: (his head is bent down in prayer) Oh, Lord, we thank you for this performance and the actor you have chosen to give it. (He lifts his head up to look toward the heavens) Truly, he will supply great laughter for this review! (He mouths the words “Thank you, Lord” and bends his head down again)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out only a handful of people are left on the plane. All that’s left of the other passengers are material items like watches and earphones. Even the pilots have disappeared. But does Balki care about this? (Imitates Balki Bartokomous) Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous!
Craig: (to Brian) Now, I have three questions for you. Number one, who authorized an unscheduled stop? Number two, where was that stop made? And number three, WHY?!
Nick Hopewell (the British assassin): You ever watch Mr. Spock on “Star Trek”? ‘Cause if you don’t shut your cakehole, you bloody idiot, I’ll be happy to demonstrate his Vulcan sleep-hold for you.
NC: Did he just make “Star Trek” sound badass?
NC (voiceover): So he (Nick) puts him in a nose-hold—Don’t believe me? Listen.
Bethany Simms: Whoa, a nose-hold!
NC (voiceover): See? And that seems to shut him up for a while. Meanwhile, the pilot goes into the cockpit to see if he can radio for help.
Brian: Air Force Control, this is American Pride, Flight 29. Do you read me? Over.
Captain Clarence Oveur (from “Airplane!”): What?
NC (voiceover): But it turns out nobody’s responding on the ground, and the pilot’s too afraid to land in one of the busiest airports in the world. So where are they gonna go?
Brian: (to Nick, who’s co-piloting with him) No, we’re heading to Bangor, Maine.
NC (voiceover): MAINE!
NC: (speaks quickly while pouring a small glass of an alcoholic drink) I know we’re not playing the Stephen King Drinking Game, but I don’t care! I gotta take a drink to that! (He takes the shot and sighs with relief) What is your fetish with that place?
NC (voiceover): And of course, Balki doesn't like this at all.
Brian: (announcing to the passengers overhead) It’s Bangor International Airport will be our safest bet.
Craig: (unbuckles his seatbelt to stand up in a wide-angle close-up) I have an important BUSINESS MEETING IN BOSTON THIS MORNING AT 9 O’CLOCK!!!
NC: (in wide-angle close-up) MY WIDE-ANGLE LENS…IS ABOUT…TO BURST!
Craig: AND I FORBID YOU!
Laurel: Would you please be quiet? You’re scaring the little girl.
Craig: Scaring the little GIRL?! (His voice cracks on the word “girl”)
Craig: (audio) Scaring the little girl? Lady!
NC: Did he just get castrated on that line?
Craig: Scaring the little GIRL?!
NC: (mocks Craig) Scaring the little GIRL?!
NC (voiceover): Speaking of which, the little girl suddenly sees what Balki is seeing, and discovers that most of his vision is distorted by scary imagery.
(Each time Craig turns his head (to which Dinah turns her head in sync with his), he sees the other passengers as ghouls with melted faces; at one point, we see a clip from “Beverly Hills Cop”)
Serge (also played by Bronson Pinchot): NO, I cannot. It's serious, because it’s very important piece.
(Craig holds his head and yells)
NC (voiceover): Of course, everybody wonders what the hell that was about, and the little girl explains.
Dinah: (to Laurel) We all look like monsters to him.
Laurel: No. I’m sure we don’t. What made you say that?
Dinah: I hear things sometimes. People’s thoughts.
Dick Hallorann (from “The Shining”): She called it “shining.”
NC (voiceover): So yes, it turns out the little girl is psychic.
NC: Might as well add her to the Unexplained Psychic Children’s Club that seems to exist in TV and movies. (An image of psychic children from other Stephen King film adaptations at a tree-house with a banner labeled “Unexplained Psychic Children’s Club” is shown)
Don Gaffney (one of the passengers, who is African American): That’s the craziest thing I ever heard!
NC (voiceover): We also come across a mystery writer who’s trying to (speaks like William Shatner) DEDUCE what is happening on this plane. (normal) And, oddly enough, he is exactly like a character out of a bad mystery novel.
Bob Jenkins: (to Albert Kaussner, another passenger) I also…had been asleep. What about you, dear boy?
Albert: Well, yeah.
Bob: Yes. I’m a mystery writer. Deduction is my bread and butter. So I deduce…that everyone was asleep, including all those people that were subtracted, along with the flight crew, of course, dear boy.
NC: (moves in over-the-top ways on every word while talking like William Shatner, mocking Bob Jenkins) Perhaps, dear boy, if I deduce a little bit more, my acting will become a little bit more Shatner. (He looks off-screen to his right) Does anybody notice the teddy bear out on the plane? (A clip from the Twilight Zone episode “Nightmare at 20000 Feet” is shown with a monster walking on the wing of a plane) He looks suspiciously like the teddy bear from “The Shining,” (a clip from “The Shining” with a man in a bear costume and another man is shown briefly)—the one that’s giving a blowjob for some reason—another Stephen King story. Coincidence, or something more? I…deduce, dear boy. (He holds up a pipe to place in his mouth as violin music plays)
NC (voiceover): So they finally reach Maine, and…for some reason, nobody wants to see what’s actually down there.
Laurel: (to Dinah) I really don’t want to go down there.
Nick: (to Brian) I’m scared stiff.
Bob: God help us all.
Nick: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Bethany: I’m scared.
NC (voiceover): The hell is wrong with these people? You’re on a plane where everybody disappeared! How the hell are ya gonna be safe there?
NC: (as one of the passengers, sarcastically feeling scared) Oh, no! There might be people down there to question us and want to solve our problem! Oh, the horror!
NC (voiceover): Also, don’t you just love how the adult is whining to the kid, and the kid has to make her feel better?
Laurel: You know something, Dinah?
Laurel: I really don’t want to go down there. I mean, I really don’t.
Dinah: If it’ll make you feel any better, you’re not the only one.
NC: (as Dinah, pretending to comfort Laurel, who is sobbing off-screen) Don’t worry, fully-grown mature woman. I, a terrified little BLIND girl, will keep you comfort. (He brings his arms up to comfort Laurel and rub her head)
“Laurel”: Ohh, thank you. (sobs)
(A turbulence occurs, causing the plane to shake; Bethany gasps, faints and lands face first into Albert’s lap; sexy music starts to play here)
NC (voiceover): Hey, now! Looks like somebody’s giving a smooth landing over here!
NC: (speaks in a deep, sexy voice) Set your Johnson to its full upright position. Oh, yeah.
(The shaking grows larger, a food cart falls, Dinah screams and holds Laurel tight, and the pilots try to get the plane under control)
Dinah: (speaks a little flat in her delivery) Please, I don’t wanna die! I just don’t want to die!
NC (voiceover): (as Dinah) And I don’t wanna say that line anymore, so we’re just gonna go with that take! (The plane lands smoothly on the ground; NC speaks normally) But of course, they land just fine. And, as is typical of Maine, it’s weird, creepy and totally filled with things that Stephen King is afraid of.
(Everybody is off the plane to take a look at the empty airport)
Dinah: This place smells wrong. Really badly wrong.
Nick: Honey, we have to investigate. We don’t have any choice.
Dinah: Why? Why do we have to?
NC: You know, she’s right. We should go back on the plane and wait to die. (He smacks his forehead and makes a dopey face with his tongue sticking out) Duh!
Dinah: Listen. There’s nothing to smell and nothing to hear.
(Indeed, there is an eerie silence at the airport)
NC (voiceover): Well, this is getting dull. Where’s another wide-angle shot of Balki? (A “Ding!” sound is heard as Craig steps forward) There we go!
Craig: (to Brian) You realize I can turn you in for this?
Brian: Mr. Toomey, are you aware of what is happened to us?
Craig Toomey’s Father: (voice echoing in Craig’s head) There are no excuses!
Brian: Mr. Toomey?
(Flashback to the past)
Craig’s Father: Just tell me!
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! An obnoxious flashback AND a crazy parent! That’s two Stephen King clichés in one!
NC: (starts to pour another glass of his alcoholic drink, but then stops to think better of it and put the bottle and glass aside) I don’t want the hangover.
NC (voiceover): Apparently, Balki has a flashback to when his father was angry because he got an A-minus in class. An A-minus? I got a trip to Chuck E. Cheese when that happened!
Craig’s Father: What happens to lazy bums who lie down on the job, Craig?
Young Craig: (scared) The Langoliers get them?
Craig’s Father: THEY…WILL EAT YOU…ALIVE! ALIVE AND SCREAMING!
NC (voiceover): Well, at least now we know where he gets his hammy acting from.
(Back to the present)
Craig: You understand that the economic fate of nations may hinge on this meeting?
Brian: Right now, I don’t have the time for—
Craig: TIME? What the HELL do YOU know about time?! Ask ME about time! Ask ME!
NC (voiceover): (laughs) OK, I give him two more seconds before he fully transforms into a cartoon character. We all know it’s coming. You can’t hold it back.
Craig: Ask ME about time! Ask ME!
(A white flash occurs, and we cut to Craig in cartoon form and laughing and bouncing around like Woody Woodpecker)
NC (voiceover): So again, they calm him down, and they go through the luggage conveyor belt. Why don’t they just go through a door? They go inside and find that the place is abandoned, plus little things like smells and sounds have all been slightly muted. It seems like the clocks have stopped, too.
(Bob examines a stopped clock, puts it down and places a hand to his forehead)
NC (voiceover): (dubs over Bob as William Shatner) Spock! (normal) While that’s going on, Balki starts to hallucinate about his father.
Craig’s Father: You had an appointment in Boston.
Craig: (cries a little) No, it wasn't my fault. I…I was kidnapped.
Craig’s Father: THERE ARE NO EXCUSES!
NC (voiceover): And they play the most common game in a Stephen King miniseries…
NC: …Who can overact with their mouth open the widest? (The title with the same words are shown over NC)
Craig: Well, I am going to explode, Father, and I don’t give a damn! You know what I DID?!
(The footage freezes on Craig’s open mouth on the word “did”)
NC (voiceover): Hmmm, not bad! (A measurement is made over Craig’s mouth) 7 centimeters! Balki's dad’s gonna have to REALLY overact in order to beat that size.
Craig’s Father: LOVE…IS NOT PART…OF THE BIG PICTURE!
(Freeze frame on Craig’s Father’s open mouth)
NC (voiceover): WOW! AN ASTONISHING 12 CENTIMETERS! (A measurement is made over Craig’s Father’s mouth) You can drive the Oscar Mayer truck through that hole!
(Applauding from the audience is heard)
NC: (applauds) Congratulations, sir! You are the best over-actor in this movie! I say that calls for the Dance of Joy!
(Footage of Balki and Larry doing the “Dance of Joy” together from “Perfect Strangers” is shown with the caption “Dance of Joy” flashing below)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So as he (Craig) goes through an airport security door—which, of course, isn’t locked—Dinah swears she hears a creepy sound in the distance. So creepy that it forces her to take off her glasses, even though it has no impact on her vision.
Laurel: Dinah, tell us what you hear.
Dinah: It’s very faint. A really terrible, scary sound. And it’s awful. A little like Rice Krispies after you pour in the milk.
NC: I’m sorry, what was that “incredibly scary comparison” again?
Dinah: A little like Rice Krispies after you pour in the milk.
NC: (pauses to let the line sink in and accepts it) Alright. Put a search out for these guys. (An image of the three Rice Krispies elves are shown) But be cautious! They are part of a complete breakfast.
Dinah: But I know it’s closer than it was, but there’s something coming. There’s something making that horrible cereal noise.
NC (voiceover): Did this movie really just coin the phrase “horrible cereal noise”? This is a phrase that needs to exist?
Dinah: It’s coming! Don’t you understand? It’s coming! And if we haven’t gone by the time he gets here, we’re all going to die! (sobs)
NC (voiceover): (as Dinah, sobbing) We’re all gonna die a snappy crackling poppy death! (Nick looks outside in the distance)
Background Singers (from a Rice Krispies commercial): (audio) Snap-crackle-pop! Rice Krispies!
NC (voiceover): So we see Balki come across ANOTHER unlocked door where he finds a gun in one of the storage lockers. Huh! If there’s anything this movie’s proving, it’s that airport security DOESN’T come down hard enough!
(Craig enters through a long and wide hallway with the gun held high toward the camera a la James Bond; James Bond music plays over this scene briefly; Cut to Craig standing to look outside)
Craig: You’re out there, aren’t you? But I’ll be gone by the time you get here. I’m going to Boston. (He smiles in a creepy way; Woody Woodpecker’s laugh is heard here)
Ben: (to the other passengers) As you say, there’s none of that stuff here, (Craig appears to hold his gun up at the group, yet nobody notices this yet) but when we woke up, it was on the plane.
NC (voiceover): Wha—does nobody see him right now?
Rudy Warwick (another passenger): Maybe nobody was here when it happened.
Bob: No, that’s nonsense.
(Craig approaches the group with his gun)
NC (voiceover): Seriously, nobody sees him right now. You’re looking right at him!
Dinah: Watch out! I hear someone!
(Craig takes Bethany hostage)
NC (voiceover): (as Dinah) I hear him much better than you idiots can see him right in front of your fucking faces!
Dinah: What’s happening? What is it?
Craig: Take me to Boston!
NC (voiceover): So Billy from “Power Rangers” (Albert) attacks and gets shot. But luckily, bullets seem to have no effect in this world. So they get some rope and tie up the doofus (Craig) before he acts any crazier.
Nick: I think it might be wise to take a few precautions, don’t you?
(Nick tightens the rope around Craig’s wrists, who yelps at the tightening)
Laurel: Do you have to be so rough?
NC: I mean he only tried to do was kill somebody. That doesn’t call for being rough!
NC (voiceover): This is all very riveting, but I think it’s time for another Shatner performance.
Bob: I think I found…a fallacy in our thinking…and it is this. We all assumed as we began to grasp…the dimensions of this event…
NC (voiceover): (whispers in exasperation) God! (normal) I swear his pauses were written into the screenplay. I swear to God! I mean, let’s count ‘em! Let’s count how many pauses are in this few seconds!
Bob: I think I found…(“1”)…a fallacy in our thinking…(“2”)…and it is this. (“3”) We all assumed as we began to grasp… (“4”)…the dimensions of this event… (“5”)…that something had happened to the rest of the world. (“6”) But the evidence doesn’t bear that assumption out. (“7”) What has happened….(“8”)…has happened…(“9”)…to us.
NC (voiceover): Nine pauses! That’s NINE PAUSES! Can somebody just tell this idiot to get to the point?!
Nick: Please, Mr. Jenkins, can we get to the point?
Bob: Every now and then, a hole appears in the stream of time. Not a time warp, but a...a time rip!
NC (voiceover): So he suggests there might be a time rip that the plane flew into, but that it doesn’t work like how those time-travel movies say it works.
Bob: That one can’t appear in the Texas State School Book Depository on November 22nd, 1963, and hope to stop the Kennedy assassination.
NC (voiceover): No, that would be a friggin’ awesome storyline.
Bob: This…is the past.
NC (voiceover): So if you can actually follow any of that, they have to find some fuel and escape fast, or else they’ll vanish with the rest of time. Dinah, for whatever reason, decides she wants to find out more about these Langoliers that Balki was talking about.
Dinah: Tell me more about them.
Craig: My father used to say that…the Langoliers were little creatures that lived in closets.
Dinah: Like elves.
Craig: No! (laughs)
Balki (from “Perfect Strangers”): Don’t be ridiculous.
Craig: He said that all they really were was hair…and teeth…and fast little legs.
NC: Robin Williams?
Craig: He said that they could catch up with all the bad little boys, no matter how quickly they scampered.
Laurel: Stop it. You’re scaring her.
NC: Yeah! You’re scaring the little girl!
Craig (from earlier in the miniseries): Scaring the little GIRL?!
NC (voiceover): So everybody realizes that they can’t burn the fuel for the plane because fire doesn’t work in this world. But Generic McDork here (Albert) believes that he might have (mocks Albert’s delivery of his upcoming line) the solution to our PROBLEM!
Albert: I have the solution to our PROBLEM!
NC (voiceover): They get to the plane and bring the food and beer that used to have no flavor, but it turns out that in the plane, it does, which means time works OK inside and, therefore, the fuel will work as well. However, while everybody’s looking at that, Balki escapes and gets himself a knife. But it’s OK. The little girl is there to try and comfort him.
Dinah: (starts to approach Craig) He’s scared to death. I feel so sorry for him. Mr. Toomey! Please, come out!
(Craig yells while holding out the knife and goes up to stab Dinah in the chest before running off)
NC (voiceover): (laughs while speaking) Well, you know that’s really scaring the little girl.
Craig (from earlier in the miniseries): Scaring the little GIRL?!
Nick: (to Dinah) Don’t you worry, love. We’re gonna have you right as rain in no time flat. (to Laurel in a hushed tone) Listen to me. She’s got internal bleeding. If we don’t get this blade out of her right now damn quick, she’s gonna drown in her own blood.
NC: (as Nick, looking down to his right as though speaking to Dinah) Right as rain, darlin’! Right as rain! (to the camera as though speaking to Laurel) She’s going to drown in her own blood. (to “Dinah”) Right as rain, darlin’! Right as rain! (to the camera) DROWN!
NC (voiceover): So Dorky and the black guy go looking for a stretcher, but Balki is there waiting for ‘em. It’s OK. He’s a black guy in a Stephen King film. They always turn out fine, right?
Don: He’s in here! He’s in here—! (He gets stabbed in the back by Craig and dies)
(Craig turns his head toward Albert in a cartoony way (with a slide whistle sound effect to boot))
Craig: (to Albert) You’re one of them, too, aren’t you? A Langolier.
NC (voiceover): You know, it figures. This guy (Don) has survived three “Silence of the Lambs” movies, and yet it’s a Stephen King flick that finally kills him off!
Khabral (from Canadian Bacon): I’m telling you, man, the black guy always dies first.
NC (voiceover): But the dork knocks him out with a toaster in the bag, and the Brit decides whether or not he should kill him. But then he remembers how the blind girl told him to leave him alive, so that’s exactly what he does. He doesn’t…tie up his hands or anything; he just sort of lets the psychotic killer sit there until he wakes up. What secret idiot service did this guy work for again? But—get this—the girl, even though she’s been stabbed, uses her psychic powers to make Balki believe she’s really there.
Dinah: (speaks as though telepathically) Hurry, Craig. (Craig climbs out the luggage conveyer belt to the outside) Now stand, Craig. Stand.
(Craig struggles to get up, and as he does, the theme song from “Perfect Strangers” starts to play)
Background Singers: Standing tall, on the wings of my dreams…
NC (voiceover): Just as they get fuel to the plane and everyone gets onboard, the girl creates a false image—(sarcastic) again with her psychic powers—(normal) and makes Balki believe that he’s at the meeting he was trying to reach. You know, if she’s so good at this shit, how come she didn’t predict when she was gonna get stabbed?
(Craig runs with his arms flopping about as he runs over to the “meeting”)
Laurel: It’s Mr. Toomey!
(The passengers step out to see Craig running)
NC (voiceover): (as Craig) Hey, Nani Nani Nani! HEY, Nani Nani Nani!
Brian: Everybody get in right now. We’re all out of time!
(Electricity towers start to crumble and fall down)
NC (voiceover): So he makes it to the meeting and finds that Stephen King is there to give his blessing to this shit-storm of a miniseries!
Tom Holby (Stephen King): Tell us how much money you made for us.
Craig: I didn’t make any money for you! (He throws an empty chair aside) I didn’t MAKE any money for YOU! (He climbs on top of the table) I LOST money for you! And I did it deliberately! (He shouts to the people on one side of the table) I DID IT DELIBERATELY! (He shouts to the people on the other side of the table) I DID IT DELIBERATELY! (He sits up to laugh maniacally)
NC (voiceover): Actually, I think this is how the meeting went with Tom Holland and Stephen King after this movie was released. (More electricity towers continue to crumble and fall) But that crackling noise is getting louder, and we finally figure out what’s been getting closer and closer all this time…
NC: (speaks like Michael Buffer) LLLLLet’s get ready for a letdoooooooooooowwwwwwwnnnnn! (The word “Letdown” appears below NC)
(The Langoliers appear in all their glory while the music for “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” by Jock Jams begins to play; they appear as crude CGI balls with razor sharp teeth)
NC (Voiceover): Yep! This is what we’ve been building up to all this time, people! Some of the WORST CGI you’ll ever see in your entire life!
(Craig screams with fright at the sight of the Langoliers)
NC (voiceover): What are you screaming at? They’re just overcooked meatballs!
(Craig starts to run away, and the monsters chase after him)
NC (Voiceover): Oh, God, these are making the spider from “It” look real! That’s how bad it is, people!
(The Langoliers start to eat away at the ground)
NC: Come on, just add in the other Pac-Man characters, and the goofiness will be complete.
(A couple Pac-Man ghosts appear, and the Langoliers eat them; Craig continues running, and we hear Woody Woodpecker’s laugh again; A Langolier chomps on his leg, making him fall down; He yells something indistinct as the Langoliers eat him and kill him; Laurel witnesses this and is in shock; Nick takes her away and closes the plane’s door)
NC: (as Nick) By the way, there’s a black guy inside in case you want to eat him, too!
(The Langoliers eat at the runway, and the plane takes off in the nick of time)
NC (voiceover): So as they watch the film literally crumble before their eyes, the mystery writer decides he needs one more monologue to sum up the scene.
Bob: We know what happens to today when it becomes yesterday. It waits for them – the timekeepers of eternity. Always following behind, cleaning up the mess in the most efficient way possible: by eating it.
NC (voiceover): Well, yeah, I guess you can’t argue there. It really is the most efficient way possible: sending giant elephant turds with chainsaw teeth to eat up every half-second of time. Boy, God must’ve been REALLY FUCKING baked when He came up with that idea!
(Cut to a cloudy backdrop with heavenly-sounding music playing and what’s obviously NC in a white wig, robe and beard)
“God”: And thus, when all time passes you will see…giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich!
(The music stops playing, followed by a very awkward pause)
Off-Screen Voice: Sorry, could you repeat that--?
“God”: WRITE IT DOWN!
(Back to the movie)
NC (Voiceover): So as time is… (sighs)…eaten up by killer Skee balls, the plane tries to retrace its tracks and make it back to the time rip.
Nick: What does a most secret classification mean when you’ve just seen a bunch of killer cannonballs rolling up the world?
NC: Well, gee, when you put it like that, it sounds incredibly fucking stupid.
NC (voiceover): We see that Dinah finally dies on the plane—I guess a stab in the lungs takes longer than a stab in the back to take effect—and they finally reach what they’ve been looking for.
(The plane approaches the time rip in the sky)
Brian: (announces over the intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, we have found what we’ve been looking for.
NC: (as Brian) It appears to be a…Skygina.
NC (voiceover): OK, here’s my question: Were the pilots who were originally flying this plane taking a look at that thing and saying, “Yeah! We wanna go through that!”? Seriously! Why would they aim for this thing? Wouldn’t they consider the safety of the passengers first?
NC: (As the main pilot) Hey, Frank. Look at that.
“Frank”: (speaks off-screen) Is that a Skygina?
NC: Yeah, it’s a Skygina. Isn’t that awesome?
“Frank”: Totally awesome!
NC: It’s so awesome! You dare me to go through it? (He speaks the following simultaneously with “Frank”) You dare me to go through it? I’m goin’ through it, man! I’m goin’ through!
“Frank”: (simultaneously with NC) Yeah, I dare you to go through it! Totally do it, man! Go through it, man! Go through it! It’s gonna be awesome!
NC: Ok! I’m going through it! (He pretends to fly the plane) I’m going through it! (laughs) This is the best idea ever, man!
“Frank”: (simultaneously with NC) Whoaaaaaaaaaa!
(NC disappears in a flash, leaving his glasses in mid-air a bit before falling onto the chair; “Frank” presumably disappears as well)
NC (voiceover): But the mystery writer points out that they were all asleep when they went through it the first time, and so they all have to be asleep to get through it again. So they decide to put the pressure up to knock everybody out, but there’s still another problem.
Bob: One of us will have to stay awake to turn the pressure up just before we fly through the rip. So one of us will…
Nick: One of us will have to die.
NC (voiceover): (as Nick) Not it! (as Bob) Not it! (as Laurel) Not it! (Normal) Actually, the British guy decides to sacrifice his life. I guess he’s knocked off so many other people, it only seems fair. So everybody gets knocked out and he flies the plane through the rip.
(Nick stares in wonder of the rip as he flies the plane through it)
Dr. Barry Rumack (from “Airplane!”): Just wanna tell you both, “Good luck.” We’re all counting on you.
Nick: It’s so beautiful!
NC (voiceover): And of course, he ultimately disappears. Why the hell his clothes, shoes and belt don’t stay behind is anybody’s guess, but who cares? They made it home. BUT! Is it really home?
Laurel: But what do you see out the window? (A shot of the Los Angeles city skyline) Nothing. Nothing at all.
NC (voiceover): Oh, except for the obvious MOVING CARS DOWN THERE! (Camera close-up with a green arrow pointing to a moving car) OOPS! They land the plane and everything seems deserted, but that’s because they realize that time is catching up with them.
(A vibrant flash of colors shines and many people appear as the timeline returns to its normal state)
Girl: Daddy! New people! Look at the new people!
Laurel: Did you hear what she said?
Laurel: Is that who we are? The new people? (She laughs with joy) Are we the new people?
NC: (as Laurel, overreacting in joy) Are we the new people? Are we the new people?! WE ARE! We are the new people!
NC (voiceover): (as Laurel) And the only way new people can celebrate is by doing a stereotypical freeze frame!
(The film freezes on the group as they run through a long hallway, and credits start to roll; the “Perfect Strangers” theme song starts to play)
NC: (starts to laugh wholeheartedly, but then stops) God, this was stupid.
(Clips from the miniseries start playing again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, to its credit, it does keep you interested enough to want to know what’s going on, as most Stephen King stories do. Some of the actors are pretty good, too, but there’s just SO many goofy performances, nonsensical logic, bad effects, and just the STUPIDEST letdown climax that is hard to fully take it seriously.
NC: I mean, are you really telling me that giant mutant mud balls are eating all of the past?
(An explosion is heard; NC from the future appears, obviously ripping of Dr. Emmett Brown from “Back to the Future”)
Future NC: Let’s find out!
NC: What are you doing here?
Future NC: I’m sending you 45 minutes in the past to see if your theory is correct! (grumbles)
NC: (groans) Do we have to?
Future NC: Yes! Hurry!
NC: Alright, keep your beard on. (He stands up to walk off-screen)
Future NC: Hey, this is your beard, too!
(A shot of the Delorian shoots off into the past, and both NC and Future NC arrive in NC’s basement in the past)
NC: Everything seems to be OK.
Future NC: Hmmm, yes. I—
(They stare in surprise to see two Langoliers eat away at the past; the Langoliers stop to notice NC and Future NC standing there)
Langolier #1: Ohh, shit. Umm… (speaks to Langolier #2) Yeah, I thought we were supposed to eat at 2:30.
Langolier #2: We were supposed to eat at 2:30. Maybe it was supposed to be 2:35.
Langolier #1: No, I’m pretty sure it was 2:30. Um…
Langolier #2: We’re supposed to eat at 2:30.
(The Langoliers face NC and Future NC)
Langolier #1: Never mind us! We’re, uh, just…giant floating malted milk balls here.
Langolier #2: (tries to sound spooky) Oooooooooooooh!
Langolier #1: We’re, uh…nothing out of the ordinary at all.
(NC and Future NC continue staring with nothing to say)
Langolier #1: Everyday occurrence. (chuckles nervously)
Langolier #2: Yeah.
Langolier #1: Oh, man, the Skygina’s gonna be pissed. (He and Langolier #2 leave the scene)
Langolier #2: I’m blaming you.
Channel Awesome Tagline—Craig: Scaring the little GIRL?! Lady!
NC: (whispers to the camera) Hey, you guys! Since you’ve been so nice and waited after the credits, we have a special little thing for you. The “That Guy with the Glasses” Volume 2 DVD is coming out. It has all sorts of good stuff. It has, uh, a new “Ask That Guy,” a new Bum Review of “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World,” uh, a new “How to Be A Pirate,” and two—count ‘em—TWO Nostalgia Critics! Two NEW ones! Yes, that’s right. It has, uh, uh, uh, uh, a review of a video game by a—but, you have to get it in order to see what video game. (He shushes the viewer) And it also has a review of “Reefer Madness.” It’s a classical film. It’s wonderful, wonderful. But why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because you stayed after the credits. You’re good viewers. You can pre-order it now. That’s right! Pre-orders start March 16th and we’ll ship them out March 27th. That’s right, you get to see them before anyone else does, it’s unbelievable! Now, when the DVD actually does come out, we’ll have a commercial. We’ll let you know, but this is for the people (his voice gets higher) that actually waited until the end credits because you’re so wonderful! Yes, you’re so wonderful, I love you so much! (normal voice, still whispering). So go, go. There’s a link under there (Points down, as if pointing below the video), you can get it. Go, go. Hurry, you don’t have to go. Yes, you do. (Yells) GO NOW!!! (The cameraman yelps in fear)