The Lost World: Jurassic Park
February 15, 2011
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. "Jurassic Park ."
[clips from Jurassic Park are shown]
NC (VO): What can you say about it? It's a classic story of science screwing with nature. Sort of a monster movie meets family adventure, Jurassic Park introduced ground-breaking effects, heart-stopping action scenes and continues to be Steven Speilberg's highest grossing film. So as you can imagine, there was a lot of hype for Steven Speilberg to do another movie.
NC: (imitating Jeff Goldblum) And you know what, Mr. Speilberg? Before you even knew what you had, you patented it, you packaged it, you slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now [bangs table] you're selling it, [bangs table] you're selling it, well-- "Lost World."
[clips from The Lost World are shown]
NC (VO): Talk about a letdown sequel. This movie is sorta like a mix between Congo and the biggest whiners of PETA. The characters are idiots, the story's absurd, the effects aren't as good as the first movie, so what's the point in seeing it?
NC: For you, none. For me, I'm a glutton for fucking punishment! So, let us sink our teeth into (frustrated) The Lost World...
[clips show the opening]
NC (VO): So we start off on a different island where a family on their yacht is spending their vacation. [scoffs] Rich people in a monster movie? [sarcastically] Well, I'm sure this is going to end fine for them.
[clip shows when the little girl (named Cathy Bowman) hears a noise in a nearby bush. A couple of seconds later, a little compsognathus pops out]
Cathy Bowman: Well, hello there! What are you?
NC (VO): Uhhh, what little girl is this? Any real child would take a look at that little green monster and go--
NC: [screams and tries to squash a compy with his hat while the compy jumps around, giggling]
[cut back to the clip where the girl hears more compys coming and they appear out of nowhere and surround her]
Deirdre Bowman (Cathy's mother): Cathy, darling! Lunch is ready!
NC (VO): [chuckling] It certainly is!
[clips where the father Paul hears Cathy's screams]
Paul Bowman: Cathy?
[shows that the crew, mother and father are running towards the screams]
NC (VO): (as the mother gets up close to the screen) And now for comedically over the top scream in 3--2--1!
[the mother raises her arms and throws them down as she screams]
NC: [mimics her actions and scream in a comedic fashion twice] Seriously, what woman-- especially seeing her daughter get eaten-- would take the time to raise her arms in the air and throw them down? You do that while telling a joke!
[cllip of Deidre's over the top scream plays again]
NC: [raises his arms and throws them down] The Aristocrats! (a rim shot is heard)
[clip showing the over the top scream AGAIN]
NC (VO): And then we cut to...this.
[after the woman screams, it suddenly--and I do mean suddenly-- cuts to Jeff Goldblum yawning at a subway station standing in front of a tropical island poster]
NC (VO): Was...the movie trying to make us think she was screaming at Jeff Goldblum? Granted, I would scream at that too, but that's kind of a confused joke.
[clip from the first Jurassic Park film]
Jeff Goldblum: That's-that's chaos theory.
[back to the movie]
NC (VO): So we have our main character, Ian Malcolm. OH, fuck him, let's just call him Jeff Goldblum, because we all that's who he's really playing. So he drops off by the house of John Hammond, played again by Richard Attenborough, (clip of Tim and Lex) as we see some familiar faces: The two little kids from the first movie!
Lex: Hello! Dr. Malcolm!
Mal--er Goldblum: Oh, kids! [he hugs both of them]
Lex: It's so nice to see you!
Goldblum: It's great to see you!
[clip from the Muppets]
Truck Driver (played by Peter Ustinov: What are you doing here?
Oscar: ...a very brief cameo.
Peter Ustinov: ...me too.
[back to the movie, where we see "men in suits" walking down a staircase]
NC (VO): We're then approached by (disgusted) men in suits. OHHHH, they must be the villains... They're lead by Hammond's nephew, named Peter, who is not happy as Malcolm was the only one of the survivors who broke the not-disclosure agreement and told everybody about the island.
NC: Wait a minute. So (images of them appear as their names are mentioned) Dr. Grant never told anybody? Dr. Sattler? Hammond? The kids? What's wrong with these people?! There's fucking dinosaurs loose! How come the only person who ever tells anybody about is the one nutball who obviously nobody's gonna believe?
Peter Ludlow: You signed a non-disclosure agreement before you went to the island that expressively forbade you from discussing anything you saw. You violated that agreement.
Goldblum: Yeah, I did. And you lied. You twisted the facts surrounding the deaths of three people.
NC: "Three"? [He looks off to recount the five death scenes from the first "Jurassic Park film with the following people: 1. A park employee, 2. Donald Gennaro, 3. Ray Arnold, 4. Robert Muldoon, and 5. Dennis Nedry)
NC (VO): Well that's great. A fucking scientist who can't count. Why did nobody believe him when he said there were dinosaurs again?
Malcolm (from "Jurassic Park 1"): That's-that's chaos theory.
[clips that go to where Malcolm is visiting Hammond]
NC (VO): Speaking of which, it looks like there's another island with dinosaurs on it that Hammond wants Goldblum and a team of people to observe. This was called Site B. The site they had to leave because of the hurricane and so all the animals have been roaming free for the past four years. What happened to the first island you ask? It disappeared into the void like the rest of the plotholes you'll see in this film.
Malcolm: Okay, there's another island-island with dinosaurs-- no fences this time-- and you want to send people in. Very few people. On the ground.
NC: Okay, okay. If I'm going to continue on with this review, I have got to get my Jeff Goldblum impression down. So, to help out with that, world renowned Jeff Goldblum impressionist, Rob.
[shot of Rob Walker, AKA ThatOtherGuy, and the subtitle "Jeff Goldblum Lessons" appear at the bottom of the screen]
Rob: (speaks like Jeff Goldblum) Ah! Ah, hello. Uh, welcome to the Jeff Goldblum Hour. Uh, you see, the secret to doing the, uh, perfect, uh, Jeff Goldblum is to, uh, insert “uhs” “ands” and, uh, “buts” in-in every-every sentence. Uh, secret, uh, is to, uh, never complete a full sentence without going “uh” or “but.” BUT, but, but-but-but there’s-there’s more to this. You see, for the secret to doing Jeff GOLDBLUM is to put the accent on the wrong WORDS. WORDS? WORDS? That’s, uh, that a secret there, so when you want to say a statement-STATEMENT, that is, uh, uh, the secret to doing a Jeff Goldblum, and, uh, well, there it is. IS? (The caption “Is?” is shown below him)
NC (voiceover): So Hammond tells Goldblum that his nephew wants to exploit Site B and bring the dinosaurs to a park in America, and of course, he wants Goldblum to go in and preserve the animals.
Dr. Hammond: Public opinion is the one thing that I can use to preserve it, but in order to run in that kind of support, I need a complete photo record of those animals alive and in their natural habitat.
NC: (as Dr. Hammond) And seeing how you were almost eaten by half of them, I figure you would be the perfect person to protect them.
NC (voiceover): Goldblum, of course, says no, but Hammond threatens that if he doesn’t, he’ll never see his girlfriend again! (He cackles evilly)
Ian Malcolm: You didn’t contact Sarah?
Dr. Hammond: Paleontological behavior study is a brand new field, and Sarah Harding is on that frontier.
Ian Malcolm: You sent my girlfriend to this island alone?
NC (voiceover): How the hell do you go on a trip to an abandoned island filled with dinosaurs and NOT tell your boyfriend? I guess, like most women, she just wanted to get as far away from Jeff Goldblum as possible.
Ian Malcolm: It’s not a research expedition anymore. It’s a rescue operation, and let’s leave right now.
(Ian Malcolm turns to leave Dr. Hammond’s room as we hear the familiar main theme from the first “Jurassic Park” film)
NC (voiceover): (as Dr. Hammond) Oh, did I put on the soundtrack to the first “Jurassic Park” again? (Normal) So Jeff Goldblum goes and gets his team together, including Vince Vaughn!
NC: Oh, wait, he’s, uh…not the comedy.
Audience: BOO!!! (NC shields away with his hands covering his face)
NC (voiceover): We also come across Kelly, Goldblum’s only daughter. Wait a minute, ONE DAUGHTER?
(NC uses a remote to rewind footage from the first “Jurassic Park” film to the part where Ian Malcolm and Dr. Grant are riding in a tour vehicle at night in the rain)
Dr. Grant (from “Jurassic Park 1”): Got any kids?
Ian Malcolm (from “Jurassic Park 1”): Me? Oh, oh, hell yeah, three. I love kids.
NC: What’s with this idiot and numbers?! What, first how many people died, now how many kids he has, I mean, what the fuck’s wrong with you?!
Jeff Goldblum (played by David Duchovny on “Saturday Night Live”): I, uh, I can’t read or write.
Alex Trebek (played by Will Ferrell on “Saturday Night Live”): Good for you.
NC (voiceover): It turns out Kelly is sad, because—big shock—Jeff Goldblum’s not that hot a father!
Ian Malcolm: You know, sweetie, I know we’ve had some hard going, but I feel like the last couple years we’ve really kinda started to work things out, hasn’t been better.
Kelly: Yeah, but I want you to crack on me a little bit. You know, ground me or something. Send me to my room. You never do any of that stuff.
NC (voiceover): What kid is this? Yeah, because if there’s anything children complain the most about, it’s NOT getting punished enough!
Ian Malcolm: You got your-your, uh, gymnastics competition. You’ve been training for that for months.
Kelly: You like to have kids, but you just don’t want to be with them, do you?
Ian Malcolm: (stands up to walk away a bit before speaking again) Hey, I’m not the one who, uh, dumped you here and split for Paris, OK? So don’t take it out on me.
NC: Nice parenting there, Goldblum. Why you don’t bring up her aborted brother while you’re at it?
NC (voiceover): So the team makes it to the island in search of Sarah, only to find that her bag is left behind.
(Ian Malcolm finds Sarah’s bag and examines through it before lifting her head up to call out)
Ian Malcolm: SARAH!
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Wow. Even his screams for his possibly dead girlfriend sound disinterested.
Ian Malcolm: SARAH!
NC (voiceover): It’s like one of his various “uhs” got in the way of that line.
NC: (as Ian Malcolm) Sara-UHH!
NC (voiceover): They then come across a couple Stegosauruses and marvel in wonder.
Eddie Carr: (speaks in a whisper) Oh, yikes! Wow.
NC (voiceover): And, yeah, don’t get used to this whole enchanting thing, by the way. There’s very little of it in this movie. And eventually, they do come across Sarah, played by Julianne Moore.
Sarah Harding: (motions the team to stop where they are in their tracks) Wait, wait, shh, shh. Stay there, be quiet.
NC (voiceover): (laughs) You just asked the impossible from Jeff Goldblum. Stay there and be quiet. It can’t be done. (Sarah Harding meets up with a baby Stegosaurus and reaches a hand out to touch its snout) We see she finds an E.T. knockoff and decides she wants to pet it. But the parents see her and charge it with anger! This, of course, results in a THRILLING…anticlimax. But it turns out there’s bigger things to worry about, like Goldblum’s daughter sneaking aboard the trip.
Ian Malcolm: No, Kelly! What are you doing? No-no, wait, hey-hey-hey! Don’t go out there! It’s not safe! Stay in here.
Sarah Harding: You guys should definitely go. But I’m gonna stay. I love you. I just don’t…need you right now.
Ian Malcolm: I’ll tell you what you need. Uh, a good anti-psychotic.
NC (voiceover): You know, in the first “Jurassic Park,” they at least tried to set up some character and interesting conversation. Here, it just feels like filler until the fucking T. Rex gets there!
NC: In fact, let’s play a game, a little game that I like to call “Try To Be Invested!” (The accompanying text is shown below him)
NC (voiceover): Just listen to this conversation and honestly act like you give a crap! Seriously, just try to be interested.
(As the following conversations play, NC at one point looks bored and makes a hand motion to indicate that the movie should move right along)
Sarah Harding: (to Eddie Carr, simultaneously) So, listen, when you’re out in the field, nothing we can do can leave any room for people to say that our findings were contaminated. Once they reach the crease of blood in the water, you’re dead. We leave no scent of any kind. No insect repellant, no hair tonic, no cologne, we seal all our food in plastic bags. Our presence has to be one hundred percent antiseptic. If we…
Ian Malcolm: (to Nick (Vince Vaughn) simultaneously) If you can understand, uh, I’d be happy to deliver a letter to your wife or your loved one. Give you a chance to say good-bye to them, OK? (to Eddie) Now, Eddie, you got any personal effects of any kind? You know it’s the least I can do. I’ll be in there, alright?
NC: Oh, fuck it. Can I just see the lawyer get eaten again? (Cut to the scene in the first “Jurassic Park” where Donald Gennaro gets eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex)
NC: God, that’s awesome! Can I just watch that for two hours?
NC (voiceover): But they hear a noise in the distance, a horrible, terrible sound. What could it possibly BE???
NC: (leans forward to the camera) MAN!
(The word “MAN!” is displayed next to a puppy with a tear on its face while dramatic music plays, then the character Roland Tembo is introduced in the style of an old-time newsreel complete with the Critic’s narration)
Newsreel Narrator: Yes, Man. Man would sodomize your hamster if he could without…
NC: OK, OK, we know the drill. Just see what these guys are.
NC (voiceover): Oh, it’s that Peter jerk again, and this time, he’s accompanied by another Peter, Pete Postlethwaite, in his killer cheekbones. They try to hunt down some dinosaurs for their zoo in America.
Roland Tembo: (looks through his paper files while standing high in the jeep trying to identify one of the dinosaurs they’re hunting for) It’s the—uh, Pachy—uh, Pachyo--
Hunter: Say that again, Roland. A what?
Roland Tembo: (loses his paper files during the drive and sits down in his seat) The one…the one with the big red horn, the pompadour. NC (voiceover): Really? You hire people to hunt dinosaurs who don’t even know the names of the dinosaurs? Why would you go hunting with a person who doesn’t even know the name of the animal you’re hunting?
NC: (as a hunter, talking into his phone) Oh, it’s big, it’s got antlers, it’s uh, it’s got these really big hooves.
Hunter: (voice only in the phone) A lion?
NC: (as a hunter) Yeah!
NC (voiceover): So our heroes look over the HORROR of what they’re seeing and they let it all sink in.
(The main melody to “Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber is heard as our heroes grimly look over the scene)
NC: (sobs) What have we become? After all, we’re going for innocent creatures like this. (A screeching Dilophosaurus from the first “Jurassic Park” is shown briefly) Or this. (A velociraptor attacking Robert Muldoon is shown briefly) Or even adorable this! (A clip from the first “Jurassic Park” is shown with a Tyrannosaurus Rex going after the two kids through the glass roof of the tour vehicle) Truly, WE are the savage animal!
NC (voiceover): So the two Peters come across a baby Tyrannosaurus and trap it in order to capture the mother.
(The baby T-Rex lies on the ground and cries out for its mother)
NC (voiceover): (as Peter Ludlow) So on a scale of 1 to 10, how douchey is this?
NC (voiceover): (as Roland Tembo) Oh, this is incredibly douchey. This is, like, Hitler douchey. No doubt about it.
NC (voiceover): (normal) But luckily, Vince Vaughn is loading up and ready for action!
Nick Van Owen (Vaughn): Hammond told me these people might show up. He thought we’d be finished by the time they got started, but…in case they weren’t, he did send a backup plan.
Sarah Harding: What backup plan?
NC: (chuckles) He…never uses a weapon in this movie.
NC (voiceover): But to be fair, Vince Vaughn is no stranger to tough situations.
Jeremy Gray (from “Wedding Crashers,” played by Vaughn): (to John Beckwith (Owen Wilson)) Would a hot older woman make you feel her cans? Stop cryin’ like a little girl. What’d you do with them? Did ya play the motorboat? (flutters his lips a few times to make a motorboat sound) You motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you old sailor, you!
NC (voiceover): So, like friggin idiots, they let ALL the dinosaurs out of their cages! And wouldn’t you know it? They run amok! (Shots of the dinosaurs causing destruction (including turning over a jeep) and causing fire are shown) Thank God they released all those animals! Now absolutely no human beings will be horribly injured at all!
(Cut to a jeep on fire being thrown into the air to the tree where Ajay Sidhu (Roland’s hunting partner) and Roland are sitting in)
Roland: Ajay, look out! Jump!
NC (voiceover): By the way, what dinosaur could literally throw a car into a tree? What is this, the Babe Ruth-asaurus?
(A black-and-white Photoshopped image of a velociraptor in a baseball uniform and taking a swing at a car is shown)
NC (voiceover): And if you think that was stupid of our heroes, take a gander at this. They find the baby T. Rex and BRING HIM TO THE TRAILER! Are you guys fucking MORONS?!! Why don’t you just write “Eat me!” all over you?!
Sarah Harding: (examines an X-ray of the baby T. Rex’s injuries) Ah, there it is. There’s the fracture right above the epiphysis.
Kelly: Other animals are gonna hear this. (to Ian Malcolm, pleading) Dad, I gotta get outta here, please! I wanna get outta here, I wanna go someplace safe.
NC (voiceover): Yes, listen to the girl! She’s the only one who knows what she’s talking about!
NC: In fact, let’s start taking bets about who’s gonna die in this movie. You got…
NC (voiceover): …annoying blabbermouth Jeff Goldblum, idiot scientist Julianne Moore, not-such-a-badass badass Vince Vaughn, or pudgy doughy guy (Eddie Carr) who’s only had eight lines.
(All four of their pictures are lined up left to right under NC)
NC: Tell me, folks, who do ya think is gonna die? (Red circles appear over Goldblum, Moore and Vaughn’s faces with a “Ding!” sound) Let me emphasize that this is who you think is gonna die, not who you wish was going to die— (Another “Ding” and Eddie Carr quickly becomes the only one with a circle over his picture) there you go.
NC (voiceover): So Goldblum gets his daughter to safety, but they hear the T. Rex in the distance, as he tries to call them to let them know the T. Rex is getting closer.
Sarah Harding: (speaks to Nick as the phone in the trailer rings) We have no idea what his metabolism is. It’s killing him too much. We should put him in respiratory arrest. (Nick notices the ringing phone and starts to go over to it) Nick, I need your hand here! (Nick turns around to continue helping her)
NC (voiceover): You know what? They deserve to die. No, really. Let ‘em rot! Goldblum said it himself. Nature is selecting them for extinction! As far as I’m concerned, they’re T. Rex chow!
(Ian Malcolm readies some rope and harness to go down the tree and help the group in the trailer)
Kelly: Dad, please stay here! Dad!
Ian Malcolm: I’ll be coming right back. I give you my word.
Kelly: But you NEVER keep your word!
NC (voiceover): (as Ian Malcolm) Huh. You got a point. Well, later, bitch. (Ian slides down to the ground) I’m Batman! (Normal) So of course, Goldblum arrives just in time to recreate the T. Rex rain scene from the first movie.
Ian Malcolm: (speaks softly) Mommy’s very angry.
(A T. Rex stands outside the trailer and growls at it; Ian, Sarah and Nick stand still and out of sight from the T. Rex)
NC (voiceover): (as Ian Malcolm) Don’t move. Their eyesight’s based on who’s expendable.
Sarah: This isn’t hunting behavior, Ian. They came for their infant.
NC and the Audience: Well, DUH!! (NC slaps his head)</span></p>
NC (voiceover): Jesus Christ, we have a ranting scientist who can’t count, an idiot scientist who kidnaps baby T. Rexes, and a dumbass hunter who lets dangerous beasts go. Is the black girl the only one who has a BRAIN in this movie? (Sarah holds the baby T. Rex at the trailer entrance before the mother) So they let the baby T. Rex out, and everything seems to be OK. But wouldn’t you know it? T. Rexes are vengeful now, as they come back and try to shove the trailer off the cliff! They (the human characters) try to break the windows open to get out, but they just won’t budge, thus the trailer is knocked over the side and hanging by a thread.
Nick: HANG ONTO SOMETHING!
Ian: HANG ONTO SOMETHING!
President Skroob (from “Spaceballs”): (to Dark Helmet) Do something!
Dark Helmet (from “Spaceballs”): (to Colonel Sandurz) Do something!
Colonel Sandurz (from “Spaceballs”): (speaks into a speaker phone) Do something!
(As the first half of the trailer falls to hang over the side, the cabinet door that Sarah is holding onto comes loose, and she falls, screaming until she hands on the window that’s at the end of the trailer)
NC: No, you mean (speaks like Ian Malcolm blandly) “Sarah!”
Ian (from earlier in the film): SARAH!
(The window’s glass starts cracking bit by bit from the force of Sarah’s fall)
Sarah: (gasps) Oh, God.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, a second ago, they couldn’t get the glass open! Now the slightest bit of pressure is gonna bust it? This trailer is as reliable as a B.P. Pipe!
(The glass eventually breaks and Sarah screams)
NC (voiceover): They manage to grab her in time as doughy guy comes in to save the day.
Eddie Carr: (as he climbs through the broken front window of the second half of the trailer still on land) Coming! What is it?
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, he just put his hand on the shattered glass! Who makes these fucking windows?!
Eddie Carr: Who’s hurt? What do you need?
Ian: We need rope!
Eddie Carr: Rope! What, do you wanna add anything else?
Ian: Yeah, three double cheeseburgers with everything.
Nick: No onions on mine.
Sarah: And an apple turnover!
NC (voiceover): (as Eddie, speaking snotty) You know, I’m not gonna rescue you if you’re not gonna take this seriously.
(Cut to Eddie in a jeep trying to pull up the trailer)
NC (voiceover): OK, so this one jeep somehow manages to pull two trailers—yeah, you figure that one out—when guess who returns!
(Two T. Rexes return to surround Eddie’s jeep)
NC (voiceover): Now, tell me, why the hell did these two come back? Did they just wanna make sure they were still hanging there? Maybe instead of just leaving them on the cliff, they were, like, “Oh, yeah! We’re dinosaurs! Let’s fucking eat something!”
(The T. Rexes go after Eddie by tearing the jeep apart, as Eddie attempts to hide from them)
NC (voiceover): (speaks like Ian Malcolm) Oh, uh, hey, is that mommy? I-Is she angry? You might still have a chance if she’s still not very angry. (normal) So the guy gets eaten and—watch this—both trailers fall right through them, not damaging one fucking hair on their heads. I haven’t been impressed with such incredible luck since the pipe scene from “Twister.” (Footage from “Twister” with Bill and Jo Harding hanging on to a pipe while in the center of the tornado is shown) Some people have all the contrived conveniences, don’t they?
Ian Malcolm (from the first “Jurassic Park” film): That’s…that’s chaos theory.
NC (voiceover): So the hunters find our heroes and manage to pull them out. (pauses) I’d just like to point out it was mean, terrible Man who helped you out of that incident, while those harmless dinosaurs you were trying to protect ate your doughy guy and kicked you off a cliff.
Sarah: (to Roland) By moving the baby rex into our camp, we may have changed the adult’s perceived territory.
Peter Ludlow: You what?
Robert Burke (a paleontologist): That’s why they persisted in destroying the trailers; they now feel they have to defend this entire area.
NC (voiceover): Again, we’d like to thank our main heroes for tending to the baby and dooming all people on the island!
Roland: The rexes just fed, so they won’t stalk us for food.
Ian: Just fed? I assume you’re talking about Eddie, you might show a little respect. The man saved our lives by giving his.
NC: (as Ian, points to the camera) You will show respect for our doughy guy.
Roland: My point is the predators don’t hunt when they’re not hungry. (He starts walking away)
Nick: No, only humans do.
Roland: Oh, you’re breaking our heart!
NC (voiceover): Oh, Jesus, they’re still on blaming the humans for everything? Have you ever considered that if YOU FOUR never showed up, none of these disasters would have happened? They would have gotten the dinosaurs and just put them in a zoo. (He fakes being shocked) Oh, no! It’s almost like (scoffs) what we do with other animals, YOU GODDAMN LITTLE TREE HUGGER!
Roland: Let’s get this moveable beast on the way!</span></span></p>
NC (voiceover): So they journey to the only control tower where they can possibly make contact.
Nick: (sits down to talk to Sarah) Making friends with Ahab, huh?
NC (voiceover): (as Nick) So, you gonna be in a remake of “Psycho”?
NC (voiceover): (as Sarah) Yeah.
NC (voiceover): (as Nick) Yeah, me, too. Fucking agent. On the bright side, maybe we should tell William H. Macy not to be in any of these Jurassic Park movies.
NC (Voiceover): (normal) So as they take a break, one of the hunters played by Peter Stormare gets attacked by the Comeuppance-saurus (little Compsognathuses) because he attacked them earlier. The other hunters forget about him almost as fast as the audience does. But later that evening, they hear something go bump in the night.
(A T. Rex lurks around the camp area and slowly places its snout into the entrance of one of the tents)
NC (voiceover): It turns out that it’s the T. Rex, because he smelled the blood on Julianne Moore’s jacket. (pauses) Interesting. They said before his eyesight’s based on movement, but now he operates by smell. Kind of weird; you would think he would smell Dr. Grant and the girl in the first movie, seeing how his nose is right in front of them. But hey, their ancestor’s a mosquito, I’m sure their genes got fucked up somewhere. So of course, everyone starts fleeing in fear and the T. Rex tries to catch up with them. (The T. Rex chases after the humans, but not at a fast enough pace) Again, kind of WEIRD! In the first movie, the T. Rex was fast enough to catch up with the jeep! In this movie, he’s struggling to keep up with a large crowd of people! In fact, didn’t Dr. Hammond in the first film say…
Dr. Hammond (from the first “Jurassic Park” film): Oh, we clocked the T. Rex at 32 miles an hour.
NC (voiceover): Well, then, what the fuck’s slowing him down?! Oh, well, I guess this one has a disadvantage from the other film seeing how this one was NOT kept in captivity and has been hunting in the wild for four years! I guess that would slow any dinosaur down!
NC: Again, MOSQUITOS! (an image of a mosquito appears to his right) The genetics must be crazy.
Ian Malcolm (from the first “Jurassic Park” film): That’s…that’s chaos theory.
(All the humans hide under a waterfall, and the T. Rex sticks its snout through the water before roaring and going after the group; a snake enters through Burke’s jacket from the top)
Burke: (moves about, panicking) Oh, my God! Ahh! Snake! Help me!
NC (voiceover): (as Burke) Oh, my God, a snake! Is there anything worse than a snake—? (The T. Rex catches Burke with its teeth and takes him out through the waterfall) Oh, yeah! The giant Tyrannosaurus Rex waiting for me outside! (Normal) So while the T. Rex is eating the snakeaphobe, Jeff Goldblum comes in and helps everybody escape, only to be attacked by—big shock—more dinosaurs!
(The group is surrounded by velociraptors in a tall, grassy field)
Ian: Go…(whispers) …as fast as you can.
NC (voiceover): OK, how many lines does Goldblum whisper in this movie?
Ian: (speaks softly) Mommy’s very angry.
Ian: (speaks softly) Hang on, this could be bad.
Ian: (speaks softly) Good…God.
Ian: Go… (whispers) as fast as you can.
NC: I mean, what’s the point, anyway?
Rob: (speaks like Jeff Goldblum) Ah! Ah, Critic, see, that’s another way to do a perfect Jeff Goldblum is, uh, which is you gotta whisper-WHISPER, and, uh, this is perfect for the trailer, ‘cause this is trailer fuel. (NC looks on with interesting as he’s listening in) ‘Cause when you get down to a whisper, it makes you sound like you’re saying something important when really, you’re just rambling, ‘cause you’re Jeff Goldblum. And, uh, to demonstrate here, I’m gonna use this, uh, glass of water, and, uh, yes, now, let’s take the water here and drop that there. (He takes a cup of water and drops a few droplets onto the back of his hand; he gasps) Look! Look! The water went a different direction than it did the first time. Uh, you know why that is? Because tiny little fibers, and uh, micro vesicles, uhm, and little lines in your hand, uh, guarantee it will go in a different direction every time. And, that-that is the essence of chaos, and when you have chaos, Critic, do you know what you have? (speaks louder) You know what you got? Huh, Critic? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Rob: (whispers) Checkmate!
NC: Alright, enough of you! Back to the movie!
Rob: (whispers): Checkmate!
NC: SHUT UP!
NC (voiceover): OK, so while the rest of them try to outrun the raptors, Vince Vaughn gets away and makes it to the tower, trying to radio for help.
(As Nick turns the knob on the radio, we hear audio snippets of “Baby Love,” “Ducktales! Woo-hoo!” and “Jurassic Park is frightening” (by Weird Al Yankovic))
Voice in the Radio: Go ahead, Harvey.
Nick: Got it.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the raptors attack and Goldblum’s gang tries to get away from them.
(At the abandoned compound, Ian goes through the door of one of the buildings)
NC (voiceover): No, don’t you remember? They can open doors! (A raptor flings its body through the glass window that’s next to the door) And that, too. He manages to hide in the building with the other two (Sarah and Kelly), but they get trapped on the second floor.
(Kelly braves herself to stand up and face the raptors)
Sarah: Kelly? Kelly, no!
NC: No, Kelly, don’t! It’s too clichéd and too contrived!
(Kelly proceeds to leap forth and use her gymnastic skills on the hanging bars of the building)
NC (voiceover): Yes, folks, she’s using her flips and kicks from her gymnastics class to save the day.
(After Kelly lands on the other side, we cut to an image of three judges (with the heads of a Triceratops, a T. Rex and a Velociraptor respectively) at a competition and holding up their scores of 9.0, 9.3, and 9.8 respectively as the crowd cheers on in the background; cut back to the movie as a raptor jumps up high to approach Ian)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, you’d think that’s bad enough, but listen to this.
Kelly: Hey! You!
(The raptor turns its head to Kelly, who swings and kicks the raptor out the window)
NC: (laughs) I love the fact that the raptor actually turns…
NC (voiceover): …when she says, “Hey, you!” I mean, Jesus! He actually fell for that? I thought these things were supposed to be super intelligent, and the move that gets the drop on them is “Hey, you!”?
Kelly: Hey! You!
NC (Voiceover): (as the raptor, who turns its head to Kelly) Mmmyeeeeesss???
(Kelly kicks the raptor out the window, and we hear the Goofy yell)
NC (voiceover): What else do you think these morons would fall for?
(A snarling velociraptor approaches NC from camera left)
NC: (points to a direction off-screen) Hey! Look over there!
(The raptor turns its head, and NC escapes to leave the scene)
Raptor: Oh, no! No! Aww! I can’t believe I fell for that! I can figure out how to open a door, but not when I’m being had! Aww, God, I’m a bad raptor. I’m a bad…bad raptor!
NC (voiceover): They finally get away when the chopper that Vince Vaughn called finally arrives. But Postlethwaite still wants to take care of that darn T. Rex.
(Roland Tembo tries to use his shotgun to shoot the T. Rex, but he opens it to find that there are no bullets inside it)
(Cut to our heroes riding in the helicopter and Nick holds up a couple bullets in his hand)
Nick: Well…that’s one souvenir they won’t be taking with them.
NC (voiceover): (sputters in rage) Wha-je-buh-YOU STOLE THEIR BULLETS?! THAT T. REX IS EATING PEOPLE, YOU ASSHOLE! Oh, my God-these are the people that helped you out of the cliff and told you where the radio tower is! And you’re honestly going to take away their only means of defending themselves?! JESUS!
NC: All you ever do is wave your finger at how people are gonna get killed, and yet you’re constantly getting people killed! FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOU?! You’re terrible heroes! All of you! You deserve to be shot! (In fury, he grabs his gun and attempts to fire at the camera, but nothing happens; he looks inside the gun’s barrels and finds it empty, then he slams his gun down on his desk) Damn it, Vince Vaughn!
NC (voiceover): I guess on the long run, it doesn’t matter, because they still capture the T. Rex, anyway, and bring him to San Diego. But the ship crashes into the docks, as it seems the T. Rex got out of his cage, ate the crew and…somehow locked himself back in the cage!
Ludlow: Where’s the crew?
Security Guard #1: All over the place.
(Cut to the camera panning back to reveal a severed hand hanging from the ship’s steering wheel)
NC (voiceover): Look at this, don’t you love it how the T. Rex ripped a guy from his hand and yet somehow didn’t destroy any other part of the room? Considerate animal, isn’t he? Well, of course, some dumbass presses the button and accidentally lets the T. Rex go, allowing the monster to run amok all throughout San Diego.
Ian Malcolm: (to Peter Ludlow) Now you’re John Hammond.
NC: (as Ian Malcolm) That’s right. Now you’re John Hammond. I…didn’t even know we were supposed to hate him by this point, but OOOOOOH, I hate him now!
NC (voiceover): So the T. Rex roams the neighborhood and searches for water.
(Cut to a boy named Benjamin waking up from his bed before seeing the T. Rex through his window and appearing scared stiff)
NC: That’s nothing. You should see Susie next door.
(Cut briefly to footage from 2007’s “Transformers” where a little girl stands outside her house to watch a Transformer crawl out of a swimming pool and stand above her)
(The family dog barks from his doghouse)
NC (voiceover): Oh, look! Even Boomer makes a cameo in this movie!
(The dog hides in his doghouse in fear; Cut to Benjamin in his parent’s bedroom)
Benjamin: There’s a dinosaur in our backyard.
NC: Yes, but… (pounds his fist on each word) WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?!
Announcer: (the accompanying text is shown onscreen as he speaks) Boomer will—(Cut to a view of the T. Rex presumably having eaten the dog with its metal chain still attached to the doghouse) Oooh! Ummmm… (The doghouse collapses to the ground in pieces) We’ll getchya another Boomer.
NC (voiceover): So Goldblum and Moore go to find the baby T. Rex as a means to lure the father back to the boat.
Security Guard #2: Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doin’?
Ian: Taking the kid. If you really wanna stop us, shoot us.
(NC, pretending to be the security guard, proceeds to use his gun to shoot repeatedly at the camera as if he were shooting at Ian)
NC (voiceover): No, they just let him drive away, of course, because…you know, it’s not like it’s their job to stop them or anything…and we see the T. Rex ripping the city a new one.
(The T. Rex runs up alongside a city bus and rams it head along the side, causing the bus to start tipping on its side and have a few passengers fall out the windows; Cut to the interior entrance of a video store where we see a cardboard display for a fake movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger called “King Lear”)
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, “King Lear” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger? WHY THE HELL AREN’T I WATCHING THAT MOVIE?
NC: You go back and start again, film! I wanna see Arnold!
(The bus crashes through the video store)
NC (voiceover): So they lure the T. Rex back with the baby, he eats that Peter bad guy (Ludlow) and they finally seal him back in the boat. And thus, we get our last minute moral from the EVIL John Hammond. OOH, I hate him so much! I hate him so much! Oh, wait, the…music’s indicating we like him now.
Dr. Hammond: (speaking in a TV interview for CNN) These creatures…require our absence to survive, not our help. And if we can only…step aside…and trust in nature, life…will find a way.
(On the closing shot for the film, we see a herd of dinosaurs roaming freely in their natural habitat and a pterodactyl landing on the branch of a bare tree to call out; we hear the familiar “Jurassic Park” theme music and NC sings along with it)
NC (voiceover): (sings) Dumb, dumb! Dumb, dumb! This was dumb, dumb-dumb, dumb, dumb! This film was so fucking dumb-dumb! Dumb-dumb-dumb, dumb!
(Fade to black)
NC: God! What a terrible follow-up to a kickass movie!
(Clips of the first “Jurassic Park ” movie are shown briefly as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I’m not gonna act like the first film was perfect, but it was a basic fun survival flick.
(Clips of “The Lost World: Jurassic Park” are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): This…this just seems phoned in. The characters are forgettable—when they're not incredibly stupid—the story is unbelievably forced, and the whole animal rights thing really backfires when the people trying to promote it are CONSTANTLY MAKING THINGS WORSE! There’s no sense of wonder, no sense of adventure, it’s just set-up scenes for the dinosaurs to walk in and destroy. That’s it! It’s a bad sequel, plain and simple. The only good thing to come out of it is maybe someone will possibly get the idea to film “King Lear” with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
NC: And when the highlight of the movie is another movie that doesn’t exist, that’s a bad sign. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave)
Rob: (wears a raptor mask over his head and speaks like Ian Malcolm) Now, uh, there were supposed to be, uh, dinosaurs? Dinosaurs in this dinosaur review, right? Hello? Hello? (He sits up to breathe twice into the camera) Yes?
Channel Awesome Tagline—Ian Malcolm (from the first “Jurassic Park” film): That’s…that’s chaos theory.