(Before we get to the opening, we're treated to a warning)
WARNING: The following episode contains scenes of flashing images. Viewer discretion is advised.)
(We do the opening, then come to Film Brain in his room)
Film Brain: Hello and welcome to the fourth series Bad Movie Beatdown, and we start off with Wrestlemonthia! A whole month of films starring wrestlers, and first up is The Marine.
(Clips of No Holds Barred)
FB (vo): I don't know what Hollywood's obsession is with hiring wrestlers to act in films is. (Clips of Mr. Nanny) Maybe they figure because they're charismatic in the ring that transfers over to the screen, but we've seen enough times already that just cause they're an in-ring success doesn't mean it will bring in the green, or be any good for that matter. (Posters of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and Sci-Fighters are shown) Look at the sad, sad movie careers of Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper if you want evidence of that.
FB: Hell, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is probably the most successful and his choice of roles is frankly...(pulls out the dvd for The Tooth Fairy) shaky at best.
FB (vo): Recently the WWE has ventured into producing films of their own. The Marine was intended as their first feature and was going to star (picture of) Stone Cold Steve Austin in the title role. (Poster for) See No Evil actually ended up being released before this one. (Clips of John Cena in the WWE are shown) However, Austin and the WWE had a bit of a falling out, so rising star John Cena was hired to take his place. Ah yes, John Cena. The man who's booked to look invincible, and that's why the crowd started to turn on him. He has mike skills, but his wrestling, well, five moves of doom and all that.
FB: And you'll be glad to know those traits have transferred to this film, so here's Cena at his most ludicrous.
FB (vo): So the film starts in an Al Qaeda compound in Iraq where some marines have been captured and are going to be executed. But not if John Triton, played by Cena, gets there first. He's told to wait for his team to arrive, but screw that noise. He's going in guns blazing to shoot the a-holes!
FB: America! America! America! USA! USA! USA!
FB (vo): I mean hot damn, look at this guy go! He's just dominating over the terrorists who outnumber him 9 to 1. It's true it's shot so incomprehensibly I can't tell what the hell is happening, but he's making Rambo look like a pussy.
FB: All we needed was John Cena and we would've found Osama in days.
(Clip from WWE Extreme Rules 2011)
John Cena: We have caught and compromised to a permanent end, Osama Bin Laden.
(back to the movie)
FB (vo): He and the other marines then run out onto the battlefield, raise a kickass back to freedom in the most jingoistic thing I've ever seen.
FB: I should also mention I'm keeping count of the number of explosions in this film because, well it's a bit like the Fourth of July if you know what I mean. (Explosion Count: 8)
FB (vo): We move to a Marine base in Germany and you'd think John would have gotten a Medal of Honor for what he did, but it seems like everyone's not pleased with what happened.
Colonel: Bottom line is you disobeyed a direct order. You're being discharged. (He hands Triton his discharge papers) Walk away with dignity.
John Triton: Colonel...I'm a marine.
FB: Not anymore, Sonny Jim! Actually, now that I think about it, we should probably change the title to The Ex-Marine.
FB (vo): But hey, things aren't all that bad. Because when John goes back home to the States, his supermodel hot wife Kate, played by Kelly Carlson of Nip/Tuck fame, jumps on him and shoves her tongue down his throat. He then takes her into the bedroom for an extended bit of bonking. Well they've probably been building up for awhile, they've got to let out some steam a little bit. Although in the hours of lovemaking all the way from the bed to the kitchen, they never got past taking off their underwear.
Kate Triton: John, the hardest thing about you leaving was not knowing. Not knowing where you were, not knowing if you're coming home, not knowing if I'm gonna get that phone call saying that you wouldn't be.
FB: Well that's very true, but you rode out the hardest part. Figuratively and literally.
Kate: Are you sure about starting this job tomorrow?
John: Ohh.
Kate: I just think there's so many other things you could be doing. I just want you to be happy, John.
John: Come on. (he pulls her off the counter into his arms)
Kate: Where are we going?
John: To make me happy.
FB: He gets a job almost the moment he's out of the Corps AND he has enough stamina to bonk his wife again! Lucky bastard.
FB (vo): Elsewhere we villains of the piece led by Robert Patrick's Rome and his flunky, Vescera.
FB: Now you see when I hear that guy's name, I think of this.
(We get a clip of the wrestler Viscera's TitanTron video)
FB: Given that this is a WWE film, this is probably not an accident.
Rome: Be right back.
Vescera: Joo got it, man.
Rome: What?
Vescera: Joo got it, man. You know, Scarface.
Rome: That's horrible.
FB: Ah yes, the iconic line from Scarface. "You got it, man." Surely just as famous as "Say hello to my little friend!" Am I right, people? Am I right?
FB (vo): Rome walks into a jewelry store and holds the place up with his sidekicks including lover Angela, and Manu Bennett of Spartacus: Blood and Sand fame imaginatively named Bennett. You do have to admire the sheer balls of Rome and his friends to hold up a place without trying to conceal their identity in front of tens of witnesses.
(A note at the bottom says "Rome does take the security discs from the vault, but that does not excuse his lack of disguise!")
FB: These crooks have clearly paid attention to every detail.
FB (vo): Then again, Rome seems like an imposing guy if you ask me. For example after stealing $12 million in diamonds, he shoots their mole in case he betrays them. This is just to show that he's eeeevil. Walking outside, he pulls out a machine gun at the cop car coming to arrest them and in front of hundreds of witnesses, in broad daylight, and with no attempt to conceal his identity, shoots up the police car. Of course right-hand man Morgan pulls out a rocket launcher and blows up the car just for added measure, despite his boss being 3' in front of the blast. (Explosion Count: 9)
Morgan: What? Too much? (Bennett and Angela look at each other with "Did he really just say that?" looks on their faces)
FB: Why the hell would you bring a rocket launcher to a bank robbery? I mean it's bad enough that you're thieves, but now you're cop killers with RPGs! Not exactly discreet and subtle to say the least.
FB (vo): Elsewhere John starts his job as a security guard in what I like to call a bit of pointless filler material so we can push the running time to 90 minutes. A jerkass ex-boyfriend starts to cause trouble, so John intervenes. Of course we can't go too long without an action scene, so the jerk has brought two bodyguards to have a stupid action scene that culminates in the jerk being thrown through a window.
FB: John, I hate to tell you this, but generally you don't try and damage the building you're supposed to be protecting.
FB (vo): Unsurprisingly, John is fired. Not bad for his first day.
Joe: John, you'll find another job. You got all that training.
John: Training? Covert reconnaissance, close quarter hand-to-hand combat, demolition? Not a high call in the work place for skills like that, Joe.
FB: *sigh* Yeah, life is difficult when you're a scientific experiment of a merged Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg, and then take away all their acting ability.
FB (vo): John goes back home to find his escapade has even made the evening news. Pretty impressive that there happened to be a news crew there when that happened. And then Kate suggests that they go on a vacation to which John agrees.
FB: (sarcastic) Wow, life is so hard as a Marine. Maybe you can get your smoking hot wife to sex the pain away.
FB (vo): Back with our criminals, Rome and Angela to be precise, they're laying low by spending the night in the most plush, expensive hotel room they can find.
Angela: Dead cops, all those witnesses. Doesn't that pose a potential problem for us?
Rome: Just prison time. Bottom line is we got away clean.
FB: Clean? You're probably wanted by every cop in the state, if not the country right after the shit you just pulled! I don't think I'd quite relax just yet!
FB (vo): Morgan is sent to get a new car.
Frank: Rock candy?
Morgan: Man you know I hate rock candy.
Frank: Oh, that's right. Because that one time. (Banjos start to play as Morgan remembers why) Ooh.
FB: Trust me, you won't be able to guess where that's heading.
FB (vo): Morgan is offered a minivan which apparently deeply offends his principles because, and I quote, "Black men don't drive minivans." News to me, but there you go. Of course he does see something he likes.
(Morgan looks over and sees a Cadillac, then turns around and raises his eyebrows to the camera)
FB: Did he just break the fourth wall? Jesus, all this comedy scene needs is a laugh track.
(Cut back to the same scene, but with a laugh track added, followed by an announcer)
Announcer (played by Rap Critic): Ha ha! Funny Black Man will be right back after these messages!
(And we go to commercial)
FB (vo): And so both parties are on the road and who knows, at nearly 30 minutes in we might actually start the plot. John pulls in to get some petrol which by sheer coincidence just happens to be where Rome's car is filling up, too. It's also when the swankiest police car I've ever seen pulls in, and you expect those career criminals to keep their cool, but apparently not. It's not like they recognized the people who robbed a store and blew up a police car yesterday, although the cop is suspicious thanks to Morgan's choice of vehicle. Morgan removes all doubt by shooting him in cold blood.
FB: Because again, who cares about being discreet when you can just kill people?
FB (vo): Rome shoots the other officer in the car with some CGI bullets flying into the air because it's cool or something, (A note up top says "The bullets are the wrong caliber.") and Angela shoots the storekeeper. John is KO'd by a fire extinguisher to the face, but anyone that watches wrestling knows that that won't keep him down for long. They swap to John's truck and take Kate as a hostage.
FB: Well I guess a kidnapping charge won't make things worse than they already are right now.
FB (vo): Morgan shoots up the petrol station as they leave, resulting in, you guessed it, an explosion.
(The gas station blows right the hell up as the Explosion Counter goes to 10. John gets blown back by the explosion)
FB: Yeah, I think you left a big enough smoke signal to be identified two towns over thank you very much.
FB (vo): Of course John no-sells a petrol station explosion to the face, with him inside no less. Because you know, he's a Marine. They have skills to prepare you for things like that. I actually have a special interview here with a marine; The Critical Marine, in fact.
(Cut to FB and the Critical Marine in a hotel room)
FB: I'm here with the Critical Marine. Thank you once again for allowing me to interview you and uh...
CM: My pleasure.
FB: Okay, first question: How do you survive an explosion to the face?
CM: ...Say again?
FB: Well, I'm...you see I'm reviewing The Marine and I just wanted to ask, how do you survive so many explosions and be like John Cena?
CM: That movie's an insult to marines, Film Brat.
FB: Film Brain, but thank you for having the interview with me again. Okay okay, I'm clearly taking up a bit of your time, so I'm gonna ask one final question.
CM: Okay.
FB: At one point in the training regime did you acquire super powers? (CM just gets up and walks to the door. FB salutes him) Semper Fi, always be rooting for ya!
CM: (not looking back) That's the wrong salute, dumbass! (He then leaves)
FB: Eyes in the back of his head. I knew it.
(Back to the movie)
FB (vo): As the Cadillac explodes behind him in a somewhat delayed reaction, (Explosion Count: 11) John pulls out the injured but still alive cop before taking it so he can give chase to Rome.
John: (speaking on the radio) Highway Patrol this is John Triton. You have officers down at Manzes Gas. Multiple assailants, four men, one woman headed southbound on I-95 with a black Navigator. They have a hostage. It's my wife.
FB: (with headphones on his head like he's Dispatch, speaking into the volume switch) John, this is Highway Patrol. You are aware that stealing a cop car is a felony, right? (dial tone) Hello? Hello? Sir? Sir?
FB (vo): So John soon catches up to Rome and they obviously start shooting at him. Well actually they seem more concerned with shooting the front of the car than John, who besides briefly covering his face with a bulletproof vest, never gets shot at despite the windscreen being punched out.
FB: You have to admit those police cars are well worth their cost. A hundred bullet holes and they're still going strong.
FB (vo): The car keeps on going as they go through not one, but two sets of road works, which makes the car lose its bumper and roof.
Bennett: This guy's like the Terminator. (That makes Rome look at him in the rearview mirror)
FB: See, it's funny because it's Robert Patrick and he played the T-1000. Well I thought it was funny anyway, so shut up.
FB (vo): The chase comes to a close at a cliff and Rome waits for John to arrive.
(Rome backs the truck up as the gang shoots the car, making it explode. John then ramps over the truck, the gang blasting away at the underside of the car as he jumps out. At this point, the Explosion Count has gone to 13)
FB: I love how the guys still shoot at the car instead of the guy clearly jumping out into the water.
FB (vo): Although apparently no one saw John obviously jump out and presume he's dead. The crash has wrecked the truck too, so now Rome's gang have to go on foot through the swamp to make the drop-off point, with Angie knocking out Kate so Morgan can carry her. And of course, the police are on their case, including Van Buren, who goes to the cliff crash.
(Van Buren takes his gun out and spins, pointing it at John)
Van Buren: Detective Van Buren, Homicide. I'm gonna assume you're John Triton. (He puts his gun away)
John: They took my wife.
Van Buren: That's a matter for law enforcement now.
John: I'm not asking for it.
Van Buren: You know this whole area's tidal. Way the water level changes, these guys are gonna be impossible to track.
John: I can handle it.
FB: He's a Marine! He could track down Chuck Norris and Steven Segal at the same time in a blizzard, because he's got skills, man.
FB (vo): And it's around this time that the group starts bickering between themselves.
Morgan: Man, the hell with this!
Rome: Well you got a problem, brother?
Morgan: My problem...is walking through this dirty ass swamp with the entire county looking for us because somebody decided killing cops was a good idea!
Rome: Genius, that somebody's you. You're the one that killed the cops.
FB: Well, no, because Rome tried to kill the second cop, and he shot the two cops the day before so...yeah, you're just about as stupid as each other, really.
FB (vo): So Morgan goes on about how everyone blames him because he's the black man or something stupid like that. Are we sure this guy isn't related to Tracy Morgan? (picture of Tracy Morgan on the left) He then draws his gun on Vescera for no apparent reason. There's a fun game of Vescera's facial hair. (Showing the previous scene where he's clean shaven) Here's the last scene, clean shaven-ish. (Now showing the current scene where he's got a goatee) But in this scene he's got a goatee now.
FB: Hi, reshoots!
Rome: Whoa whoa whoa, Morgan! You're one crazy son of a bitch! But no one's gonna get killed here until I give the go-ahead. (He then points his gun at Vescera and shoots him dead, making him drop his knife)
Morgan: What was that!?
Bennett: The go-ahead.
FB: No, this doesn't make any sense! This situation could've resolved with no one getting killed! That character was completely pointless!
FB (vo): And just to make his death pointlessly nasty, a bunch of alligators come out of the swamp and eat Vescera's corpse in what looks like a scene out of Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom.
FB: It's good to know that filming techniques haven't advanced much in 20 years.
FB (vo): Of course the only reason that scene exists is so John can get a really big knife. And that's not the only random impulsive decision Rome makes either.
Rome: (on the phone) How ya doing?
Voice: How am I doing?
Rome: You know that triple homicide I was just involved in?
Voice: The one all over the news?
Rome: Yeah, right. That's the one. Yeah, I know, bad. Anyways, I think I can now add kidnapping to my litany of atrocities.
Voice: Why are you telling me all this?
Rome: Well, becausein the middle of blowing up the gas station, killing a marine and kidnapping, I had a great idea. It's called "you're out."
Voice: Well you won't get away with this, pal.
Rome: Can you hold on?
Voice: Yeah.
(Rome goes to the next caller)
Rome: Yeah.
Voice 2: Your order's been approved.
Rome: Yeah. Now does that include all the premium channels and the sports package?
FB: You gotta admire someone who not only betrays his boss, but who then blows him off in favor of setting up his cable TV package. Now that is a special kind of evil right there.
FB (vo): So there's a bit of running around in the forest when John ends up encountering a bunch of hillbillies who think he's a cop--Yes, that's why he's not in uniform, idiot--And knock out. They take him to the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and tie him to a chair. If you think the point of this bit is just to add a completely irrelevant fight scene, congratulations. He takes out the two hicks, knocking one straight into a brick and mortar pillar, because he's a Marine and shit, and then runs off where this is never mentioned again.
FB: Yep, that was completely irrelevant. I do love nakedly obvious padding for a movie that's not even 90 minutes long.
FB (vo): Rome's group find an abandoned bar when John tracks them to the spot. Whilst there, Morgan finally reveals the source of his hate for rock candy.
Morgan: Yeah well actually I did go to camp once. I was 13-years old, and there was this camp counselor. Cool honky. Timothy. Or as he liked to be called, Johnny Whiplash. First he offered friendship. Then some rock candy. (the banjos are heard again) Then he offered me something I never should've accepted. (And cue the Deliverance banjos while Rome smirks)
FB: That's right, Morgan was molested as a child. And if you put Deliverance strings over it, it becomes funnier as opposed to wildly out of place and offensive.
FB (vo): Morgan is then sent outside to fix the generator, and like in a slasher fic, you know it's his turn to snuff it. Sure enough, John jumps him and they fight, with John no-selling an oar and a bottle to the head, stabbing Morgan with Vescera's knife.
FB: Oooh, that knife penetrated him like a camp counselor! (The crowd boos at that bad joke) What? What? Come on! Really?
FB (vo): Rome gets on the phone to his car dealer for a gratuitous panty shot, and so he can get a vehicle to reach the marina which John overhears. Rome then sends Bennett outside to find Morgan, again, like a bad slasher. John beats him up too and chokeslam!
(John jumps into the air and stomps on Bennett's head, killing him)
FB: Oooh, fatality! That's some Bruce Lee shit right there.
(Cue scene from Enter The Dragon)
FB (vo): Van Buren stumbles onto John as he prepares to make a move, but John doesn't question why the heck he'd be there. So whilst the girls are having a chick fight outside, John and VB corner Rome, but it turns out VB was actually Rome's boss. But action scene time! As Rome shoots VB, and then runs off shooting the generator, causing the building to blow up, (Explosion Count: 14) because we're well overdue for one.
FB: Holy shit! I know it's a bar and it had a lot of alcohol, but was the building made out of explodium? It looks like Hiroshima!
FB (vo): Rome and Angela drive off with Kate. After surviving the THIRD blast that he should've been incinerated by, John comes out of the water to find a police boat arresting him. He cuffs the cop, stealing his gun and boat.
FB: You know, I don't think the cops take kindly to you stealing their vehicles twice in one day.
FB (vo): After trading VB's car for a semi, Rome makes it to Rita's Marina, as does John using his boat. He catches up to the semi by foot and throws out Angela right into the path of an oncoming bus. (The diamonds turn from white to red as a note says "Watch the bloodied diamonds fade into the shot.")
FB: Ooh, holy crap, John! That was cold, especially for a woman.
FB (vo): Rome is rather pissed off now that he has no girl and no diamonds, and he manages to lock John out of the cab. He then crashes through not one, but two shacks, knocking off John with the second. But remember, he's a SuperCena. So not only can he be driven through a building, but he doesn't even have a scratch on him. Rome then ditches Kate in the semi, which continues to drive without a driver for some reason, crashing into a shack of exploding stuff (Explosion Count: 15), and then--oh for fucksake!
(Kate tries to grab the wheel as the explosion count goes to 20)
FB: Enough with the explosions! This is what Michael Bay sees in his wet dreams!
FB (vo): The semi then crashes out the other side, which somehow makes the whole building explode--(Explosion Count: 21) You know, I'm not even going to ask why at this point--before crashing into the river with Kate still handcuffed inside. Rome and John duke it out. And if you're a wrestling fan, you know how this goes. Rome is on the offensive for the first two thirds of the match, with John apparently down and out, especially after a severe sledgehammer hit from Triple H. However, after coming at him with a chainsaw, John manages to overcome the odds in his favor, shrugging off his repeated injuries to deliver a Five Knuckle Shuffle right into the inferno to get the victory. 1-2-3 pinfall!
FB: Repeat that for about a dozen pay-per-views and watch your merchandising revenues soar.
FB (vo): The building then explodes (Explision Count: 22) as John dives into the...*sigh*
FB: That's not diving, that's flying.
(The theme for Lois & Clark plays as a graphic appears saying "The New Adventures of SuperCena")
FB (vo): Cena gets down to the submerged semi where Kate is unconscious. Using his SuperCena powers, John rips off the bar Kate is cuffed to with his bare hands before pulling her to the surface.
(As he gets onto shore, another explosion happens, racking the count up to 24. John's now giving CPR to Kate)
John: Come on. (As he goes to breathe into her mouth, another explosion happens behind him, making the count go to 25)
FB: Really, movie? You're still doing explosions in the emotional dramatic scene? Bloody hell.
(Cut to a clip from The Man Who Knew Too Little)
Wallace Ritchie: That was like an explosion.
FB (vo): So Cena tries good old movie CPR to try and bring her back.
John: Wake up!
(Now a clip from The Abyss)
Virgil Brigman: Goddamn it you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life, now fight!
FB (vo): Eventually the cliché storm concludes by bringing her back to life. Everything is fi--(suddenly Rome is still alive and wrapping a chain around John's throat) shit! A jump scare in an action film?
FB: How the hell is Rome still alive? He was knocked into a fireball and crushed, and the building exploded several times! The guy shouldn't just be dead, he should be cremated!
FB (vo): Luckily John gets the upper hand and uses the chain to break Rome's neck, killing him for reals this time. And the cops arrive, presumably to arrest John for stealing police vehicles as the film moves into credits.
FB: Scare a coda, just get us the hell out of here!
(Clips of the movie play as he gives the final summary)
FB (vo): So that was The Marine, which is basically a tribute to 80's action films by way of Michael Bay's masturbatory fireworks. This is one of my favorite so-bad-it's-good films. It's absolutely awful. John Cena as a leading man is hindered by the fact he may look the part, but he certainly can't act the part. When it comes to trying to register emotion, he's out for the count. That's probably why they give him as little dialogue as possible. Instead the film makes everything OTT to the point of lunacy and then some. Robert Patrick smirks his way through as the baddie, the explosion-o-meter shits itself, the humor is so broad it can be seen from space, and the plot makes no sense. It's a gloriously camp movie and because of that, it's bundles of fun.
FB: I ironically recommend it if you're a mental masochist like I am. I'm Matthew Buck, beating down bad movies everywhere.
(And we go to credits. After that, we get a message from Matthew)
Matthew: Hello, Matthew Buck here, and I'm here to talk about a film I'm preparing to be involved in called NerdQuest.
Matthew (vo): A sort of Suburban Knights meets Shaun of the Dead, it's a project being produced (A picture of MikeJ is shown) independently of Channel Awesome by Mike Jeavons of Shameful Sequels fame.
Matthew: I have a major role in the film which also has Welshy, Happy Harry, Ashens, Guru Larry and MasakoX all involved.
(A picture of MikeJ in make-up is shown)
Matthew (vo): We're heavy in pre-production with make-up testing and location scouting, (a picture of the script for the movie is shown) and we're going to have a script read through very soon.
Matthew: We plan to shoot in the summer, but in order to do that, we need your help.
(Picture of the NerdQuest Kickstarter are shown)
Matthew (vo): We need to cover the cost of accomodation and production, and we need donations to cover it.
Matthew: Our target is $16,000 and any donation, big or small, would be a great help.
Matthew (vo): However your donations will not be unrewarded as we offer perks like dvds, props and even a chance to be in the film itself, depending on how much you give.
Matthew: So please give whatever you can to www.indiegogo.com/NerdQuest-movie/, and thank you for listening.