The Master of Disguise
June 11, 2013
(We fade in from the intro to the NC at his desk, his head down and his hand covering his face in despair. He says nothing for several seconds. He slowly moves his other hand to press a button on his desk that reveals a quote over his head.)
"It never ended and it was only 80 minutes" - Roger Ebert
(He pushes the button again)
"An awful, stillborn comedy" - Entertainment Weekly
(He pushes the button again)
"If it was a free cable movie, I still wouldn't have recommended it" - Richard Roper
(He pushes the button again)
"The third worst comedy I have ever seen" - Mike Nelson
(He looks up as if he said "Wait, what?", presses the button again that makes the Mike Nelson quote come up and cringes at it before addressing the viewers.)
NC: To review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review. Because there is only so many times you can say "That's not funny!", and on top of that, only so much that a person like me can take. So...rather than look at this film as a comedy, I'm instead going to look at it as...cinematic suicide. A film that wants to die, and tries everything in its power to die. That way, when I shove it up Dana Carvey's anal passage, I will feel no guilt whatsoever. With that said...Master of Disguise.
(The movie's intro plays as various clips play through with Danse Macabre in G Minor plays in the background.)
NC (vo): I call this movie the crowning achievement of failure from production company Happy Madison. This is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that, despite someone like Sandler having many different talents, he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them. And thus, Happy Madison has wanted to help other comedians make money with no identifiable effort whatsoever, and because this has atom-bombed (posters of The Benchwarmers, The House Bunny, and Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star are shown) career after career after career.
NC: I don't know what they do! Maybe it's like one of those Harry Potter Ringwraith ripoffs that just (shows a picture of a Dementor trying to suck out Dudley's soul from Order of the Phoenix) come in and suck out all the funny out of you. And one of those often funny comedians that seem to suffer from Happy Madison's touch of death is Dana Carvey!
NC (vo): This was an SNL cast member who had a great talent for impersonation and an all-around upbeat feel to him. He even had a couple of hit movies with his friend Mike Myers in Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. But his rising star was having trouble finding a solar system to call its own, and a lot of his projects were starting to tank. And whatever measly speck of hope he had left was sodomized and buried when he wrote and starred in this fucking hunk of shit. How bad is it? Well, Rotten Tomatoes has given it 1%. And according to what I hear, a lot of their statistics have a 1% margin of error.
NC: That bad, people! That bad! So, let's see why all of...this (all the quotes from before appear again) is warranted. This is Master of Disguise. (beat) Really? Just 1%? (The Rotten Tomatoes graphic appears with a 1% right next to it. The Critic hides his head in his hand in fear)
NC (vo): So we start off with some background text. Oh, wait, this is for a Happy Madison audience. Better read it for them.
Narrator: [reading the text] Many centuries ago, a remarkable family began to practice the magical art of disguise.
NC (vo): Apparently, they became so good at this, that in 1979, one of them could transform into a 2002-looking Bo Derek.
(Cut to scene where the man rips off his Bo Derek costume in his car.)
Fabbrizio: This is no life for my son. I will never tell him of his true destiny.
NC (vo): That's James Brolin playing the father of our main character, who is born years later under the name Pistachio Disguisey. Now, you may think that name is fucking ridiculously obvious, but remember again: Happy Madison production.
NC: I'm surprised they don't spell everything out like this so that their audience doesn't get confused. (Shows the scene of Pistachio's neighborhood with arrows pointing at various objects with names Building-ey, Window-ey, Clock-ey, Plant-ey, and People-ey.)
Pistachio (Dana Carvey): (with very terrible Italian accent) Ah, Sophia! What an unexpected surprise, lovecake.
NC: (vo) Of course, the joke is that Pistachio "is not very smart". But it's okay. They at least wrote in a boatload of charm for him...oh, wait, they did not.
[Cut to a scene with Pistachio talking to a young boy]
Pistachio: Excuse me, young man, I couldn't help but notice that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago.
Waiter: Pistachio, why don't you do one of your funny voices and cheer the kid up?
NC: You mean he wasn't already? (realizes) Oh, God...Is that gonna be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie?! ("YES") Inject me! Inject me right now! Come on, kill me! (Rachel Tietz is suddenly grabbing his arm and trying to stick a needle into it) I don't want to wait to die! Just- HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! (NC pushes Rachel's hand away) What are you doing?!
Rachel: You said to stick you.
NC: (shocked) It was a joke, Rachel!
Rachel: Ooooh!...Okay. (fiddles with the needle)
NC: Were you just standing with a syringe in the corner the whole time?
Rachel: ...Well, you know, eh... (quietly steps out of the room as NC turns back to the camera, covering his arm back up with his sleeve)
NC (vo): So he [Pistachio] does one of his many voices for the kid.
Pistachio: (as Shrek from "Shrek") Why don't you get away from me, Donkey? (then as Donkey from the same movie) Whatcha talking 'bout gettin' away from you? I'm makin' waffles! (smiles like a complete jackass as the boy stares at him in silence)
NC: Well, to be fair, it wasn't that funny when Shrek did it either.
Pistachio: (regular voice) Oh, I see you like my dog. Well, perhaps your papa will buy you a dog!
Barney Baker (Austin Wolff): I never had a dad.
Pistachio: (mumbles to himself and then laughs while smiling)
NC (vo): So what you might have figured out early on is that Dana Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy a little backwards. It's not funny voices and faces that makes a character, it's a character that makes funny voices and faces. And this one has little to no identity outside of an over-the-top accent. Even Mario would be shouting racist at him!
Pistachio: Watch and a-learn, my friend.
(Cut to a photo of Super Mario)
Mario: (voiced by NC) A-Godfather's meatballs, that is offensive!
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): (regular voice) Maybe that's why he can't hold down a girlfriend for two minutes either.
Sophia: Look, Pistachio, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second!
NC: Oh, my God. (slaps his hand on his desk) That's the movie. That's the movie right there. You summed it up in one sentence! How did you do that?
NC (vo): Something else Carvey should have picked up is that character is based on investment, and it's hard to be invested in someone who clearly is not invested in anything going on around him, but instead how silly he can make his performance. Take a look at this scene and tell me if Carvey...oh, I'm sorry, the (sarcastically) incredibly fleshed out Pistachio character, (seriously) shows any signs of caring when he discovers his mother and father have been kidnapped.
Pistachio: Ransacked! (jumpcut) Everything different. Where... (jumpcut to him on his knees holding a cannoli) Please, Heavenly Father, show me a sign. I promise I will never mock you again. My family is missing and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. (voice starts to echo) I don't know what to do.
NC (vo): Yeah, he just seems more occupied in smiling with his mouth open. I think the music is actually trying harder than he is! The cannoli's a better actor than him right now! I, at least, believe it's a cannoli!
Pistachio: I don't know what to do. (Keeps saying this as he moves his body in a dizzy style manner until he falls forward to a dissolve transition. Cut to NC.)
NC: Yes, go lie down. Being unfunny can take a lot out of you.
(Cut back to the movie as a taxi cab drops off a mysterious man while Tubular Bells (also known as The Exorcist theme) plays)
NC: (vo) So, they make an Exorcist joke, because...
NC: (throws his hand up as if to say "Why not?") It existed.
NC: (vo) ...and he's visited by his grandfather, who says he can help him [Pistachio] get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise. Unfortunately, they don't seem able to disguise him as a funny comedian.
Grandfather (Harold Gould): When you were on the roof, did you hear something that sounded like this? (smacks Pistachio three times)
Pistachio: Yes, exactly that.
NC (vo): (sighs) Here's another big problem...I'm sorry, I hate to pick apart every little bit...but bad comedy has to be understood if it's not to be repeated, which I'm sure this film is gonna do a lot of, anyway. Slapstick is funny because of cause and effect: somewhere in the mix, somebody has to suffer. That's the nature of comedy. Now, you can delay the reaction, or have the reaction happen to somebody else, but bottom line, somebody has to be in some form of misery. Carvey, however, throughout the entire film, just smiles this dumbass smile. If he's not gonna be hurt by any pain, then show the reaction of the confused person trying to hurt him. That would be funny, because they're not getting the reaction they wanted. Or if you're playing with the audience's expectation, give a payoff or at least some understanding that that's what you're trying to do. But nope, dumbass smile, that's all we get.
Cut back to the movie
Fat man: Get me some man-sized meatballs. (Pistachio smiles said dumbass smile while the word "meatballs" echoes. Cut to NC)
NC: (doing backs on smile with crossed eyes and fluttering his fingers) Dahahaha! If my mouth open makes them laugh on Baby Geniuses, it must make them laugh here!
NC (vo): Look, that face might entertain your one-year-old for an hour and a half, but, asshole, you were on SNL! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!
NC: I mean, it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword, and nobody ever having a reaction! (beat) Okay, is this gonna be like a thing with you? (Cut to wide shot revealing Rachel standing behind the Critic, with a sword ready to swing at him) Seriously, every single time I make a joke, am I gonna have to look behind my back and make sure you're not gonna kill me?
Rachel: ...Well, you know... (shrugs and smiles awkwardly)
NC: No, I don't know! You're sending very mixed signals right now!
Rachel: ...Well, I'll just...go do the...Rachel-ey things I do. (quietly steps off camera again)
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): So if you're wondering why the hell doesn't just Grandpa go and save the parents, well, that's because the ancient book of Disguiseys, (sarcastically) which is a pop-up book, ha-ha, (seriously) says he is not allowed.
Pistachio: If a father and mother are missing, only a son who has become a Master of Disguise can save them without any direct help from the grandfather.
NC (vo): But, of course, "direct help" doesn't include as much help as fucking humanly possible. What, with him training his grandson, giving him all sorts of tools, and sharing everything he knows about disguising. But to be fair, he'll need all the help he can get, as his father is being forced by Data...
(Cut back to NC)
NC: Oh, wait, this is evil Data. So, Lore...
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): ...to use his disguises to steal priceless artifacts or else he'll kill his wife.
Devlin Bowman: (played by Brent Spiner aka Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) Become a Master of Disguise once again, and help me obtain the world's rarest treasures. (gives an evil laugh for three seconds but is abruptly stopped by a fart sound effect, then silence. Cut back to NC holding in his laughter.)
NC: (snickers) Okay, I'll give this movie one point for making me laugh at a fart joke. That's actually very difficult to do. (beat) It was funny!
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): But thank God our heroes are doing more important things, like dressing Carvey up like an...Indian Steve Carell.
Pistachio: (Indian accent) The question is not who I am. The question is, who are you? I know who I am. I am Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
(Cut to NC who is shocked)
NC: Good fuck, he's making the guy from Short Circuit look politically correct!
(Cut to clip of Short Circuit)
Ben: Hi, honey. What is for dinner?
(Cut back to movie)
Grandfather: Anyone can put on a disguise and change his voice.
(Cut to NC)
NC: That's another totally legit criticism of the movie. You know, do you need me, film? You seem to be doing well on your own.
(Cut back to movie with Pistachio getting kissed by a snake)
Pistachio: (laughing) Oh, down, boy, down boy. (Makes kissy faces while Grandfather laughs, cut to Pistachio holding a slice of cheese over the snake.) Yeah, you like the cheese? Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it, oh!
(Cut to NC who looks rather confused)
NC: You know, here's just the notes on that scene I took. (He reaches over to the left and grabs a laptop with a Word document that reads "KILL ME WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!", then puts it back offscreen left.) I think that about sums it up.
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): But they better hurry, for Lore is forcing Carvey's father to disguise himself as the only celebrities this movie's budget could afford (showing scenes of Fabbrizio disguised as Michael Johnson, Jessica Simpson, and Governor Jesse Ventura), tricking people into handing over priceless treasures.
Devlin: You've got serious mask head. (He continues to laugh for eight seconds till another fart sound comes in.)
(Cut back to NC)
NC: (annoyed) You know, damn it, movie. You got me to laugh once. You got me to laugh once at a fart joke, a fucking fart joke! And now what do you do? You ruin it! You totally destroy it! You flew too close to the sun in wings of flatulence! Shame on you!
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): So it's decided that the Master of Disguise needs an assistant, so they go ahead and put an ad out for one.
(Devo's "Whip It" plays in background)
Candidate #1: Well, I was executive secretary for Jensen and Loeb...
Grandfather: Get out! (cut to next candidate) Get out. (next candidate) What are you doing here? (jumpcut next candidate) History. (next) Wrong! Take her away.
NC (vo): And, in answer to your question, I have no idea what's wrong with any of these applicants. Yeah, I really don't know. He just tosses them all out because... (cut to NC)
NC: They think a tracking shot is funny?
(Cut back to movie)
Grandfather: Idiot, get out! Get out!
NC (vo): Maybe like the rest of the film, it assumes it can supply a decent comedy by...supplying no decent comedy.
Grandfather: Fifty applicants, fifty losers.
NC (vo): But the kid he comes across earlier turns out to have a steaming hot mother, of course, (played by Jennifer Esposito) who also happens to be showing up to apply for the job.
Jennifer: What for?
Grandfather: It's for a uniform.
Jennifer: 35, 24, 34.
(Grandfather and Pistachio start snickering and giggling.)
Grandfather: You said 34?
Pistachio: A little bottom. (continues giggling and makes a squeak noise and smiles)
(Cut to NC)
NC: (doing backson smile) Mouth open is still funny, haha.
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): So she seems smart, intelligent, and quick on her feet, she might be the perfect candidate. Except for one problem: her butt is too small. (beat) No really, that's what they consider a problem in this movie.
Grandfather: Me likey.
Pistachio: But this cat's got no Mama caboose.
(They start speaking in what seems to be Italian as subtitles appear underneath them.)
Grandfather: (subtitles) Should a Master of Disguise have an assistant with the "tiny butt"?
Pistachio: (subtitles) I agree. Unlike Mama, she is "tush challenged."
(Cut to NC who is jaw-struck with what he has seen.)
NC: You know...has this actress gone on to anything else? (Cut to images of "Crash", "Blue Bloods", "Rescue Me", and "The Looney Tunes Show". Cut back to NC.) Okay good, so she's doing well, that's good. Um... (looks down at his desk, then to the left and to the right, then grabs a card that reads "Sympathies" and a pen) I'm going to write her an apology card anyway, because, Lord knows, somebody has to apologize to her. (reads what he writes out loud) "Deepest condolences, Nostalgia Critic". (finishes it and goes and puts it offscreen to the right) There we go, I mean, I-I know it won't make up for it, but, you know, just something to ease the pain...and some chocolates. (brings out a box of chocolates offscreen) You know, just something nice to send her, maybe she can just look at it and say "Hey, maybe it wasn't all that bad, got chocolates". (puts chocolates back offscreen) You know, just, something to uh... just something... (grabs a checkbook and a pen) And a check, you know, I mean, for God's sake, I mean it's, I'm sure she got paid, but whatever she got paid (chuckles then gets serious) it wasn't enough. (reads what he's writing to himself) "Wasn't enough".
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): So they find a cigar at the scene of the crime that belongs to the "Turtle Club". So, what does he do? (Backson voice) Dress up like a turtle, of course. Now keep in mind, (cut to the movie poster, the back of the VHS box, and a magazine article of the same costume) this is the image that appears the most in all the advertising. The Turtle Guy. This is the character that they like to reeeally push. So, obviously, this is the comedic highlight of the movie. This is what they want you to remember the most.
(Cut to NC)
NC: And...how does it go?
Bouncer: Are you a member of the Turtle Club?
Pistachio: (with the voice of Kermit the Frog) Am I not turtle-y enough for the (shrugs his shoulders so that his suit moves with him every time he says the world 'turtle') Turtle Club?
Bouncer: Is he okay?
Pistachio: He's fine. Turtle. Turtle. Turtle. (makes a trilling sound)
Jennifer: Um...do you think we can go in for a moment?
(Pistachio starts to laugh.)
NC (vo): (imitating Carvey) Mouth open is still funny, ha-ha.
(Pistachio keeps laughing like an idiot as he and Jennifer get in.)
Pistachio: Turtle. Turtle? Not turtle?
Jennifer: Come on...
Pistachio: Not turtle. (jumpcut) Turrrrtle! Turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle. Turtle! (makes another trilling sound as he shrugs his suit up)
(Cut to NC)
NC: And it's just that throughout the majority of this scene. Oh, I take that back. (cut to scene NC describes) There is one moment where he bites a guy's nose off. (Pistachio bites a man's nose off only to spit it back onto his face, cut back to NC) So there's that, but otherwise, there's nothing going on except him shouting "Turtle".
(Brief montage of him saying "turtle" is shown)
NC (vo): Now, movie, I-
(cut to NC)
NC: I wanna be serious for a moment and I just wanna ask, in all honesty, nothing ironic, no cynicism, just straightforward, man to man...what did you think was going to happen here? (Cut back to the Turtle scene) What was the mindset? (back to NC) D-d-did you really think that years later, people were going to be looking back, analyzing the (beat) the brilliance of the Turtle scene? (back to scene) How did they do it? "Turtle scene: Ungodly genius." (back to NC) So many various levels, in which it works. W-we should hold it up to the great comedic masters that come before us. (Each title is shown with its respective clip) Who's on First?, Groucho in the Mirror, Lucy and the Chocolates...Fucking Turtle. Of course, naturally. I mean, I believe I actually saw that on Turner Classic Movies when they were analyzing the "Brilliant Comedic Writers" of any generation.
(A photo of the logo TCM with the subtitle Best Comedic Writers", cut to Malcolm Ray in a suit and glasses, holding a pipe as a caption reads "Prof. Birmingham Dickens")
Prof. Birmingham Dickens: (posh accent) Well, it's not so much the misconception that one would perceive a "Turtle Club" to be merely for reptiles, but the fact that he repeats the word "Turtle" over...and over. (puts pipe in his mouth)
Off-screen Interviewer (voiced by Rob): I don't get it.
(Dickens takes pipe out of his mouth)
Dickens: No, no. He repeats the word "Turtle" over and over.
Interviewer: I still don't get it.
Dickens: (enunciated) He repeats the word..."Turtle"...over...and over.
Interviewer: I still don't get it.
Dickens: Well, fuck you, I thought it was funny.
(Cut to NC)
NC: (angry) DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
(Cut back to movie)
NC (vo): (regular voice) So they trace the cigar back to Lore's place, which, of course, means he'll [Pistachio] have to don another disguise.
Pistachio: (Cuban accent) Hoo yah! (Pistachio comes out wearing a red dress shirt, black pants, hairy chest and short black hair, looking like Tony Montana from Scarface)
NC (vo): (sighs) Some people live for my misery.
Pistachio: Say hello to my little friend. (holds up a shrunken head)
Devlin: What is that?
Pistachio: (starts speaking in gibberish and makes a sprinkler noise with his lower lip moving)
NC (vo): Ah, yes, continuing the Mike Myers tradition of being so wrapped up in how funny YOU are that you barely even look the other person in the face.
Pistachio: No maneuver!
Waiter: Chicken sautee?
Pistachio: And get a little stick stuck in my esophagus? (throws it back on the tray) Not a chance. Okay, now I'm going to ask you, have you got a little wiener and some tiny nuts?
Pistachio: You know, I could tell just by looking at you. (holds up a mini-corn dog and a small handful of nuts) You have a little wiener...and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
(Cut to NC who starts to laugh forcefully and over the top that starts to get more and more hysterical, he then gets out of his chair and leaves the room. Cut to outside where Jim Jarosz is on his cell phone when NC comes out with a baseball bat, continuing to laugh hysterically while beating him down. He then sees Prof. Birmingham Dickens.)
Dickens: Oh, hello.
(A crazy-laughing NC runs up to him and beats the professor down as well. NC then looks at the camera like a wild man and starts running towards it and beats down the cameraman. He continues to laugh like a maniac as he throws the bat away and walks off screen left. The camera then pans down to the carnage NC has left as we see Prof. Birmingham Dickens put his pipe into his mouth. Cut back to NC's room as he calms down and sits back down in his chair.)
NC: (suddenly conscious) Where was I the last two minutes?
(The Review Must Go On riff plays as the screen fades to black and the NC logo appears)
(The Review Must Go On riff plays again as the screen with the NC logo appears then fades to NC talking on the phone)
NC: (talking on his cellphone) Yeah. Ah-huh. No, I understand. Alright. Alright, bye. (hangs up the phone) So... um... I might be going away for a while after this review. Just a heads up. (beat) Back to the story.
NC (vo): They find out that Carvey is an imposter, so he naturally dons another disguise.
(Cut to a scene where Pistachio is dressed up like Quint from Jaws and sitting in a small rowboat on a pond while the Jaws theme plays in the background.)
Pistachio: I'm talking about a great white, chief. Two ton of him. Twenty, maybe twenty-five footer.
Bald guard: There's no shark here.
Pistachio: You sure about that, chief? (the Jaws theme suddenly stops) Ever seen a shark's eyes, chief? Kind of like doll's eyes...
NC (vo): You notice how the Jaws music kept getting louder and louder and then just stopped, building up to nothing?
NC: That's because the movie doesn't care.
NC (vo): It just doesn't care what the fuck you think of it. So the next time you get the urge to, say, jam a rabid blowfish up the filmmaker's dickhole, just remember: if the film doesn't care, why should you?
Pistachio: (still dressed as Quint, but his voice is normal...for him...as he...) I run away from the big blue henchies!
NC (vo): But wait, you want more annoying impressions without any rhyme or reason? Don't worry. There's literally one two minutes away. (cut to a scene where Pistachio is dressed up like a stereotypical German) Because apparently, the guards never realize that if an obvious, suspicious person is around, something fucking obvious and suspicious is probably going on.
Pistachio: (in a very thick German accent) ...back taxes from her time as an exchange student at the University of Heidelstrudel.
NC (vo): But, what? Two minutes is too long a time to go without another one of these irresistible characters?
NC: Well, how about thirty seconds?
NC (vo): Yeah. Literally. Thirty seconds later, he's another character.
Pistachio: (this time dressed as a James Bond-like character named Terry Suave) It'd be a real ding-dong dinga dingy dingwad. Hut one, hut two. I need a Charleston Chew. Get it, got it? Doubt it. (clicks his tongue)
Jennifer: I did receive a letter.
Pistachio: She received a letter. Get it, got it? Doubt it. (clicks his tongue again)
NC (vo): (mocking Pistachio) That's my catchphrase. I'm trying to hammer it in. I just know all of these characters are going to have spinoff shows seeing how so well-developed and brilliantly written they are. What was that? Eighty seconds of screen-time? That's more than enough to leave an impression.
(Cuts to a scene with Pistachio (back to normal) and Jennifer are sitting in a tavern.)
NC (vo): Oddly enough, even with them getting closer and closer to the villain, they never do seem to stop him from continuing his evil plans. (shows a scene where Pistachio steals the wallet of the waiter his old girlfriend dumped him for) Maybe if they spent a little more time thwarting and a little less time mugging.
(Cut to a scene where Pistachio's father and the villain are in the backseat of the villain's car after another successful heist)
Fabbrizio: Truly insane.
Devlin: Am I? (laughs for a few seconds before noticing there's no fart after it, then turns to say something to Fabbrizio but is interrupted by a fart sound effect)
NC: (laugh) Oh, my God! It was actually funny again! I'm not even joking, that joke actually became funny again this time around! I-It's like for all the terrible humor going on in this movie, there's a fascinating journey of this one joke, and like the peaks and valleys it's taking in the evolution! That's actually kind of fascinating! Fart joke, how do you do it?
(Fart Joke appears in human form, which is Malcolm dressed up as some sort of African nomad with an accent to match)
Fart Joke: It is all part of the journey. I simply go wherever the golden path may take me.
NC: Well, I certainly look forward to what you discover next, Fart Joke.
Fart Joke: Peace be the humor.
(Fart Joke walks into the sunset as the Critic says Fart Joke under his breath as the scene cuts to a scene where Pistachio creates a hologram of his grandfather's head from the ball his grandfather gave him at the beginning of the movie. Just go with it and it will be over faster)
NC (vo): So Carvey asks for assistance from his magic, ancient ball...yeah, one of those is in this now...and he gets help from his grandfather, who, just to clarify again, can't help him.
Hologram of Grandfather: I'm a prerecorded hologram. What is your question?
Pistachio: I fear I have not mustered enough energy to overcome our enemies.
Barney (off-screen): Pistachio, I was hoping you'd be here!
(The hologram of Grandfather looks towards where Barney's voice came from.)
NC (vo): Huh. That prerecorded hologram somehow seemed to know that a kid would enter from the left...and not be freaked out at all that there's a giant, scary head hovering over him.
(Barney whispers something into Pistachio's ear.)
Pistachio: That's crazy. So crazy...
Hologram of Grandfather: ...it just might work! (the hologram bubble pops and the dog barks)
NC (vo): He sneaks into the bad guy's hideout as a cherry pie...hopefully, that's the only cherry Dana Carvey's ever popped...and tries to rescue his assistant and his father who are apparently being auctioned off on Black Mark-eBay.
(A team of ninjas charges at Pistachio, but he beaks three of them simply by slapping them in the face and that scares all the rest of the ninjas away.)
Devlin: Wait, ninjas!
All of the ninjas: Run away! Run away!
NC (vo): Really? Fucking really? He does the exact same move three times and that scares all the ninjas away? One move? ONE FUCKING MOVE?!
NC: I mean, it's like me using one move to fight off...RoboCop...in an Iron Man mask...with a mariachi hat...carrying a bow and arrow...with duck shoes.
(Cut to wide shot showing Rachel dressed up just as the Critic has described, about to shoot him with a bow and arrow)
NC: WHAT IS GOING ON?! (Rachel takes off the Iron Man mask and mariachi hat) No, seriously! What is going on?! What is all this?!
Rachel: It's my birthday.
NC: Oh. (beat) Well, get outta here!
(Rachel runs off, her shoes quacking as she does)
NC (vo): But Lore has another evil plan. He's glued a mask of himself onto Carvey's father, and has hypnotized him into thinking he's really the villain.
Devlin: I was going to throw him off a cliff. Instead, I think I'll have him kill you! (Runs for the door as he evilly laughs, the fart effect interrupting at one-second intervals before the last one cuts him off before he leaves)
NC: Now...Fart Joke, I have to admit, that last one wasn't as funny as the other ones.
Fart Joke: Do not worry, Critic. It is as I've said before, the journey of the fart joke must flow wherever the wind may take it.
NC: Well, I really hope your journey doesn't end here, Fart Joke. I'd love for you to keep exploring the possibilities of this realm.
Fart Joke: So do I, Critic. So do I. Now, I must continue my travels. (Fart Joke begins walking away)
NC: Godspeed, Fart Joke. Godspeed.
NC (vo): But, of course, Carvey convinces his father that he's not Lore and he...shakes his mask off...yeah, that's a thing now. But the fact remains that the villain still got away. (cut to a scene in a resort in Costa Rica) So, through the means of no explanation because we just want to get to the end credits, they discover where Lore is and trick him by having Dana Carvey do the only thing he was ever good at to begin with: imitating Bush. A different Bush this time, but don't worry, the annoyance still comes through.
Devlin: Would you mind if we had a picture together?
Pistachio: (disguised as George W. Bush) Now take your time. I'm ready.
NC: Is it me, or is Brent Spiner trying to transform into Screech by the end of this movie?
Devlin: It's you!
NC (vo): He knocks him out by...lightly tapping the side of his head...and he falls into the pool.
Grandfather: Is he dead?
(a massive amount of bubbles come up and out of the pool to a farting sound effect)
Pistachio: Bowman, he made the stinky!
Grandfather, Fabbrizzio & Pistachio (all in disguise): Who's your daddy?!
[The movie fades to black]
NC: Fart Joke...Fart Joke...that...that last one was terrible!
Fart Joke: I know, Critic. I know, but clearly, my journey is over, as my smelly time in this world has come to an end.
NC: Fart Joke, no! We've had such an incredible journey together! You've totally changed my outlook on what bowel humor is capable of!
Fart Joke: Critic, a wise man once said that "When the story is over, close the book."
NC: Did you just quote the first Herbie movie?
Fart Joke: Maybe. (beat) Goodbye, my friend. And remember: I am the breaking of the wind.
NC: No, Fart Joke! No! You can't leave yet! There's so much more you can teach me!
(Fart Joke spreads his arms as he begins to disappear in a duststorm)
NC: Fart Joke! Fart Joke!!
(The Fart Joke has completely disappears into the duststorm)
NC: Goodbye, Fart Joke. I'll remember you always. (As the dust settles, the Critic rests his head in his arms for a few seconds and then picks it up in anger) GODDAMN IT, MOVIE! YOU KILLED THE FART JOKE!
(The credits for the movie roll, showing us unused movie footage. Oh, dear God.)
NC (vo): And just when you think they couldn't possibly kill anything else, the movie decides it also wants to kill our time. Yeah. Just when you think it's time to go home, it turns out the movie is only an hour and twelve minutes long. God, it feels such an eternity longer, but nevertheless, that's the running time. So they literally fill up EIGHT MINUTES of credits with bloopers, alternate takes, deleted scenes, they're pretty much forcing you to watch all the special features on the DVD, because they know, for a fact, you'll never be interested enough in seeing them!
(The movie's credits continue)
NC (vo): And it just keeps going, and going, and going, and going!
(The credits show a deleted scene with Bowman trying to seduce Pistachio with a quartet of women with overly-large rears)
NC: God! Jesus, just end!
Pistachio: Love is thicker than your behinds!
(The bald guard from before hits a gong and the credits continue)
NC: JUST END!
Pistachio (disguised as Mayor Maynot): How about this? This is the world's first giant yo-yo!
(The credits appear to end)
NC: Ah, here we go! (Another scene comes on) FUCK!
Pistachio (to a midget dressed as Super Mario): I did not mean it, slapping dummy man!
Slapping Dummy Man: I'll get you, Pistachio!
(The movie appears to end again)
NC: All right, there we go! (Another scene comes on, showing the Slapping Dummy Man and Pistachio both drinking sodas alone in a diner) FUCK!
Pistachio: What're you people still doing here?
NC (vo): You tell me, asshole! You're the one keeping us hostage!
Pistachio: You just saw the movie, okay? I'm trying to talk. All right, goodbye. Heh-heh. (turns to the dummy) All right, so, anyway...
(The movie appears to end)
NC: [Sighs] There we go! (The movie comes back to the exact same location just so the Super Mario-dressed midget can say goodbye) FUCK!
Slapping Dummy Man: Goodbye.
(And then the movie appears to end again)
NC: Okay...is that it? Is that really it? [beat] Are we truly done now?
(Pistachio's dog comes in on the screen, talking in Grandfather's voice)
Dog: No more dog food...
[The Critic finally snaps, screaming in ultimate rage and running offscreen. It then shows him destroying Happy Madison's headquarters before running back and sitting down at his desk]
NC: THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST!
[Clips from the movie and Danse Macabre play out once again as NC gives his final thought]
NC (vo): It's amazing how unfunny it is and what they confuse for comedy! If you gave your toddlers a camera and told them to film something funny, I'd bet you a million bucks they will come up with something funnier than this! It's one of the worst comedies of all time and for good fucking reason! Even if it did have that one joke that worked, even the movie found a way to kill it dead in its tracks! Because that's what the movie does! It kills comedy!
NC: And all I can say is...I'm gonna miss you, Fart Joke. I'm gonna miss you. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...you killed my fucking Fart Joke!
(The Critic leaves the studio only to see Rachel pointing a giant-ass shotgun at his face.)
Rachel: You will remember my birthday!
(Just as she's about to pull the trigger, Rachel...farts. This causes both she and the Critic to eventually break out laughing as an overlaid image of Fart Joke appears.)
Fart Joke: I...am the breaking...of the wind. (smiles and fades away)
(Shortly after he does, the Critic punches Rachel in the stomach and elbows her to the ground)
NC: You're fired! And happy birthday.
(The Review Must Go On plays and we get the show's closing credits)
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