January 13, 2015
(We start off today's episode with lines of code raining down on the screen which not only has random Japanese hiragana, but also words like Stupid, Bloated, Pretentious, Heavy Handed, Dated, and Artsy, all of this being the Matrix Month card. Two voices, both from Doug Walker, start speaking as the camera continues to zoom in on the code.)
Voice 1: It's not possible.
Voice 2: It is.
Voice 1: I don't believe you.
Voice 2: Believe it.
Voice 1: I can't believe after all these years I'm finally discovering the truth!
(The camera zooms out to a hand holding a red Solo cup. Every scene is put through a green filter like the movies.)
Voice 2: Well, it is true.
(Voice 1 is Chester A. Bum)
Chester: You don't like The Matrix.
(Voice 2 is the Nostalgia Critic)
NC: Yes, I don't like The Matrix. (He takes a drink from his cup.)
Chester: Oh, you're talking about the sequels.
NC: No, the original Matrix, all of them! I think they're dumb movies.
Chester: But everybody loves The Matrix!
NC: I don't! I think it's overrated! I mean, okay, it's not horrible or anything but when push comes to shove I think all of them are really silly films.
Chester: But it's symbolic and means stuff.
NC: Just because it's symbolic and means stuff doesn't automatically make it good. I mean, what, am I supposed to lie about my opinion? (Stands up and walks to the doorway)
Chester: You're gonna piss off so many people.
NC: (Standing at doorway) If there's anything Big Hero 6 has taught me is that even if you think a film is okay, the internet will accept it in a fair and balanced way. Besides, who's gonna take it that seriously?
(NC leaves to go refill his drink. Chester soon takes a drink before remembering it's his change cup and spits some coins back into it. When NC comes back, he's surprised to see an Agent (played by Doug) sitting at the table.)
Agent: (speaking like Agent Smith) Mr. Algiacritic.
NC: Who the fuck are you?
Agent: I hear tell that you don't like The Matrix. It's very understandable, Mr. Algiacritic. Most people have issues with the sequels.
NC: No, I'm not talking about the sequels. I'm talking about all of them. I just don't like The Matrix!
NC: And so what if I don't? What does it matter?
Agent: I represent the fanbase, Mr. Algiacritic. I am Agent Schmuck, and you should well know that everybody...loves...The Matrix.
NC: Well, I'm sorry. I just don't.
(We now come to our first set of clips showing the movie.)
NC (vo): I mean, don't get me wrong. Its technology and style inspired a lot in terms of cinema. For years, every film was trying to look like the Matrix. But even before the crowd hating sequels came out, I still thought this was a pretentious and silly film. Everyone saw it as this deep, mind-blowing experience when in truth, dozens of science fiction stories and movies have done this idea before: the idea that our reality is an illusion. Hell, some of the effects it's famous for were being done before this movie came out. (While Neo's bullet dodge scene is shown, a similar clip from Lost in Space is shown.) They just weren't perfected yet.
NC: It's got some clever stuff, but on the whole, I just didn't think it worked.
Schmuck: But, Mr. Algiacritic, it's symbolic and means stuff. The film is a masterpiece by every definition of the word. It's almost as if the writers weren't even writing, but transcribing brilliance.
NC: Have you watched it recently? Like in the past ten years? It's just the eeny, teeny, bittiest dated.
Schmuck: I'll tell you what, Mr. Algiacritic, why don't you just explain why you do not like the movies.
NC: Okay, but only if you stop puckering your lips like that.
Schmuck: I make no promises.
NC: *sigh* (looking at the camera) All right, this is The Matrix.
Schmuck: Why are you looking over there?
NC: I dunno. Just feels right.
NC (vo): We start off in an era of film when the color green ruled the world for some reason, as secret agents arrive at a break in. And are so determined to convince you that they're "not" secret agents, that they actually wear sunglasses in the middle of the night. Maybe the Matrix is very bright?
Agent Smith: The orders were for your protection.
Cop: I think we can handle one little girl.
NC: (as the cop) I figure the more condescending I say it, the more ironic the following scene will be.
(cut to Trinity breaking loose from the officer trying to cuff her, then the camera circles the two as she jump kicks him in the chest)
NC (vo): The person inside is Trinity, who likes to partake in shots that at the time were awesome, but now just kinda seem weird and pointless. Perhaps it was done to show her legs look good from any angle?
NC: Which they do. They do.
(Note: In the original review, the Critic mentioned that Trinity was played by Kate Moss, but she was actually played by Carrie-Anne Moss. This was soon discovered and corrected when the video was uploaded again later.)
NC (vo): She outruns the cops and agents through effects that really don't hold up very well. and she's told to get to a phone, as it's her only exit to be teleported through.
(phone rings, as Trinity runs to beat the agent driving a dump truck)
NC (vo): Have you ever wondered if just one time the ringing phone wasn't an exit, but instead was just a wrong number?
(Trinity answers the phone just as the truck crashes into the phone booth.)
Rob: (as phone advertiser) Have you found Jesus?
NC: (as Trinity) Oh, shit!
(The truck crashes through the phone booth and into a brick wall.)
Rob: (as phone advertiser) Eh, never mind. Sounds like you just did.
(cut to Neo sleeping in front of his computer)
NC (vo): We then cut to Keanu Reeves as Neo, a good looking hacker who's about to realize all his years of staying indoors on his computer is about to make him a badass action hero, as well as the Messiah. (beat) I think I'm starting to understand this films' fan base.
(cut to Neo doing a deal with a group of people)
Neo: Got the money?
Choi: Two grand.
(Neo hands a floppy disk to Choi)
Choi: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.
NC: Wow. You just said it. I mean there wasn't any like hidden messages or symbolism- No, you just said it! The film literally spelled out that he was the Messiah! (beat) What do the philosophy books have to say about that. (philosophy books about The Matrix appear, such as "Taking The Red Pill", "The Matrix And Philosophy", "Like A Splinter In Your Mind", and "Philosophers Explore The Matrix") You know, all those books that came out that were like "Philosophy and The Matrix! Ooh! What does it mean?"- W-What did they say at that point? (quote pops up saying "Confucius Say: Spend your Money Better") Ah.
(next scene, Neo in a night club)
NC (vo): So he goes to club I really wish Blade would shoot up, where he meets Trinity.
Neo: It was you on my computer. How did you do that?
Trinity: Right now, all I can tell you, is that you're in danger.
NC: (as Trinity) And that I literally have the same reaction throughout the entire film. No, really, you could impale me on metal wires, and I'd still have this face. But, let's not tempt fate.
Trinity: I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.
NC: ... He's a dork?
Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it will find you. If you want it to.
NC (vo): So, Trinity leaves him with that essential vague book talk, when the next day at work, we see his boss tries to clarify to us more why his rebellious loser behavior is secretly inspired.
Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.
NC: (laugh) Can we just cut to every snobby authority figure who's ever given this speech to a young brilliant genius?
Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority.
(cut to Zed and Kay from Men in Black)
Zed: He's got a real problem with authority.
(back to The Matrix)
Rhineheart: That somehow the rules do not apply to you.
(cut to Dean Walcott and Patch from Patch Adams)
Walcott: You don't necessarily think the rules apply to you.
(back to The Matrix)
Rhineheart: Obviously, you are mistaken.
(cut to The Emperor, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi)
The Emperor: You will find that it is you who are mistaken.
NC: (as Rhineheart) And I hope in NO WAY your drumming to a different beat will save all of mankind. I have a bet going.
(cut to Neo in his cubicle, with a delivery man dropping off a package)
Fedex Guy: Package for Thomas Anderson?
Neo: Yeah. That's me.
NC (vo): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, his name is Tom? I mean, I know he's given himself the name Neo, and that's what everybody calls him, but just kinda sucks out the epicness once you know that doesn't it? The fate of all mankind is in the hands of a guy named Tom! Fucking Tom! "What would Tom do?" "All praise savior Tom!" (laugh) Really, Tom?
Schmuck: Yes, but Neo is an anagram for One.
NC: Yes, but Tom is also an anagram for OMT: Oh my Tom.
NC: And the Tom in that anagram is also an anagram for OMT: Oh my Tom.
Schmuck: I understand-
NC: And the Tom in that-
Schmuck: I get it-
NC: -anagram is also an anagram-
Schmuck: Very amusing-
NC: -for Oh my Tom!
Schmuck: You're funny-
NC: And the Tom in that ana-
Schmuck: Continue and I will liquidate your testicles!
(cut back to The Matrix)
Fedex Guy: Have a nice day.
NC: (as Neo) I will not wish you the same as I'm too angsty and important to do so.
(Neo opens the package, and finds a phone that starts ringing.)
NC: (vo) So Tom gets a call from a man named Morpheus who says agents are after him.
(Agents enter Neo's office, as he ducks down in his cubicle.)
Morpheus: (over the phone) The cubicle across from you is empty.
(Agents get closer to Neo's cubicle)
Neo: What if they-
Morpheus: (over the phone) Go! Now!
(Neo rushes into the cubicle next to his as the agents arrive.)
NC (vo): Really? W-wait a minute, let me just get this straight: All the Matrix's wiring, coding, endless connections, all of us being hooked up, and they're fucking outwitted by a goddamn cubicle wall?!
Schmuck: You must understand Mr. Algiacritic, all of the rebel fighters have been unplugged.
NC: But he isn't! Not yet!
NC (vo): The Matrix is all controlled by machines; they can become anyone and do anything just through coding.
NC: Can't they just do like a code Google search for Tom-
Schmuck: Please stop calling him that.
NC: -and find him that easily? I mean, just because he's behind a wall, doesn't mean his code still isn't there.
Schmuck: I don't think you comprehend how truly thick that cubicle wall is.
(cut to Neo being led by the agents to their car)
Schmuck (vo): Anyway, as you can see, we ended up getting him.
Schmuck: It's not like he stood out like a-
NC: (as scene plays of Trinity watching them from her bike parked in front of them) (annoyed) Like the most wanted- (vo) woman you've been looking for, standing right next to you, drenched in leather so loud, that you could actually call her a bullseye? Even with you looking RIGHT FUCKING AT HER?!
NC: Where's your cubicle wall on that one?!
Schmuck: ... The Matrix is very glitchy. (NC sighs with exhaustion) Yyeeah.
NC (vo): (The scene is in the room where Neo is interrogated by Agent Smith with other agents as his henchmen.) So he meets up with Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, who’s trying to find out the location of Morpheus.
Agent Smith: He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.
Neo: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap.
NC (vo): When Tom refuses to tell him, they give him the silent treatment and put a tracking device inside. But he is intercepted later by Trinity’s gang who wants to make sure they know where his loyalties lie.
Switch: (In the car, under the bridge, with rain pouring down outside.) Right now, there's only one rule. Our way... or the highway.
Trinity: (As Neo opens his door and moves like he is about to step out of the car.) Please, Neo, you have to trust me. Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. (Neo reconsiders after seeing Constantine movie poster and closes the door.)
NC (vo): So they get the tracking device out of him by literally ripping it out of his stomach. And Reeves forgets to act like getting something ripped out of your stomach really fucking hurts.
(The tracking device squirms around in its container.)
Neo: Jesus Christ, that thing's real?!
NC: (as Neo) I mean, I know I should be screaming in agony, but I'm just so puzzled as to why you haven't attended my wound yet. I mean, you didn't even put a band-aid on it.
(Trinity tosses the tracking device out the window.) (cut to Neo meeting Morpheus)
NC (vo): So he finally meets Morpheus, as he's told what the Matrix is.
Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now in this very room. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church.
NC: It's God, Enlightenment, The Force, and Aslan all rolled into one!
(Morpheus opens both hands to Neo, revealing a blue and a red pill.)
Morpheus: You take the blue pill, you wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland.
NC: (as Morpheus) It also relieves nighttime sneezing, sniffling, coughing, aching, fever, so you can see past reality.
(Neo takes the red pill.) (cut to Neo being taken over by silver liquid material from a mirror)
NC (vo): He starts to turn into the Tom 1000 simply by touching a mirror... which is never explained, but fucking get used to that, as he's teleported to a rebirth metaphor where one of the machines sees him waking up.
(Neo wakes up in a pod of pink liquid, as a machine grabs him by the throat.)
NC: (as Neo) Are you my mommy?
(Neo gets unplugged and ejected down a chute.)
NC (vo): (as Neo is grabbed by a mechanic hand and lifted into the Nebuchadnezzar, then walked semi-conscious through the ship) He is flashed down to where they dump the other people who wake up where Morpheus and the gang are there to grab him… Which isn’t guarded at all, apparently! I mean… What the hell?...Couldn’t just anyone hang out here to pick up unplugged people to join their army? Don’t you think there’d be just some security system letting the machines know that people are being picked up who woke up and are probably a little pissed off and might be starting an underground revolution? Why are all these things so resistant about looking behind a wall?
(The next scene is of Neo connected to a heart monitor while several acupuncture needles are stuck all over his body.)
NC (vo): I got nothing near it. Just looks funny.
(Morpheus is introducing the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar to Neo.)
Morpheus: This is Apoc, Switch, Cypher.
Morpheus: Tank, and his big brother Dozer. The little one behind you is Mouse.
NC (vo): (as Morpheus) They will be your obvious Disciples for the evening. Try to guess which one is Judas. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Cypher: I know what you're thinking. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here. *sigh* Why, oh why, didn't I take the blue pill?
NC (vo): (As Neo) Actually, I'm colorblind and thought I was taking the blue pill. But hey, when life gives you fucking lemons, right?
Morpeus: This will feel a little weird.
NC (vo): So they plug Tom in to show him that the Matrix is apparently 90% of where all television ads take place. (On the corner is a clip of an "I'm a PC/I'm a Mac" commercial.)
Morpheus: This is the world that you know.
(Morpheus turns on the TV, only for it to be a clip of Cowboy Curtis from Pee Wee's Playhouse.)
NC (vo): (as Morpheus) Ignore that. Past life. (normal) He's shown that the real world is in ruin and ruled by the Machines who took over, harnessing people's energy into their power, and that humanity isn't born anymore, but grown.
Morpheus: At some point in the early 21st century, all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to A.I.
Neo: A.I.? You mean artificial intelligence?
NC (vo): *sigh* Really? The One, the fucking One, our savior from this advanced technological world has to be reminded what A.I. means? Isn't that like being the (a picture of a frat party is shown) world's greatest frat house and not knowing what BYOB stands for?
Morpheus: Get some rest. You're going to need it.
NC (vo): (as Morpheus) Tomorrow, I have even more long winded speeches to make. (normal) So they teach Tom that in this mental realm of illusion, the most powerful force is still apparently just beating the shit out of each other.
(Clip from earlier where Neo has various combat data put into his head)
Neo: I know kung fu.
NC: Great! Now try to pick up acting!
NC (vo): But to their credit, they do still show that mind over matter is still the greatest weapon.
Morpheus: Free your mind!
(Morpheus takes a running jump to the top of a skyscraper some hundred yards away.)
NC: (as Neo) And thus went the last remaining thread of anybody ever taking my career seriously. I'm just always gonna be summed up in that one word. Thanks, Wachowskis!
(Neo takes a jump, manages only a few yards and starts plummeting down from a mind-boggling height.)
NC (vo): But thankfully, this world operates on Toontown logic as Tom learns yet another important lesson.
Neo: (As he spots blood on the tips of his fingers he has touched the inside of his mouth with.) I thought it wasn't real.
Morpheus: Your mind makes it real.
NC: So my brain coughed blood?
NC (vo): But it looks like the machines are trying to track their ship down.
Dozer: Shit. Squiddy's sweeping in quick.
Trinity: A sentinel. A killing machine designed for one thing.
Dozer: Search and destroy.
NC: (as Trinity) You know, I just wanted to thank you for finishing my sentence there. Because if you didn't I'd just be, like, 'er, one thing...' and then, like, nobody would answer, and, er, I would just look really awkward and stupid. But because of your continuing it, it suddenly looked badass and awesome. So, thank you so much for making that not in the least bit pretentious. Nice of you. That was really a dumb scene.
Tank: EMP armed and ready.
Trinity: Electromagnetic pulse.
NC (vo): Come on! Even I know what that is!
NC: OK, Schmuck, how is this idiot supposed to be the One? I mean I know he is supposed to be learning and discovering stuff, but he's not giving any personality that indicates he has any leadership skills. Hell, he isn't even given a personality!
Schmuck: Well, Mr Algiacritic, what does it truly mean to have a personality? Like you, or me, or any of us, any of us can have a personality,..
NC: What are you doing..?
Schmuck: ...but what does it mean to be here, in the now, to have...?
NC: Does this stop..?
Schmuck: ...in order for us to come together, to mean something...
NC: How long do you plan on going..?
Schmuck: If you wonder, Mr Algiacritic, where do we all even come from, it's quite mind-boggling...
(NC's phone rings and NC answers the call while Schmuck continues talking inaudibly in the background.)
Malcolmus (vo): You feel alone, isolated. We can help.
NC: Who is this?
Malcolmus (vo): Is Agent Shmuck with you?
NC: Yeah, but he's caught up in making philosophical speeches instead of talking to me like a real person.
Malcolmus (vo): Yes. We call that 'Nolan-ing'. He'll be doing that for a while. You need to escape.
Malcolmus (vo): Schmuck is obsessed with the Matrix. So he will use Matrix logic.
Schmuck: ...of life! The purpose of destiny! The purpose of the life purpose of destiny! This is what I am trying to...
(NC ducks under the table.)
Schmuck: Oh, my God, where did he go? How the hell did he do that?
Schmuck (vo): (As NC is shown under the table with a grimace on his face, anxious that Schmuck will blow his hiding any minute.) He was there and now he's gone!
Schmuck: I suppose he could be under this thin movable surface. (NC winces desperately at the imminent discovery of his hiding place.) Well, it's just too crazy, he's gotta be somewhere else! (He stands up and walks quickly out of the room, across the anteroom, and into a corridor on the left, in search of NC.) Here, Mr Algiacritic. Here, Mr Algia.
(NC comes out of the room, holding the phone.)
Malcolmus (vo): Go in the back.
(NC heads into the back sets where he finds Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers dressed in leather outfits.)
NC: What the hell's-- (he hangs up the phone since he's in the same room now) What the hell's going on here?
Malcolmus: The revolution has begun, Critic. The uprising is upon us.
NC: Who are you?
Malcomus: We are people who do not like the Matrix.
NC: There are others?
Malcolmus: We are a small group, but more and more people are waking up.
Tamity: The stilted acting, the pretentious dialogue, and the painfully obvious metaphors. We cannot hide from the truth any longer.
(NC nods in agreement.)
Malcolmus: Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Malcomus, and this is my partner, Tamity.
NC: Really? That's what you're going with.
Tamity: Well, you wrote it.
NC: Okay, whatever, but what about Schmuck? He's gonna find us back here!
Malcolmus: Not likely.
(Cut to Schmuck in an office)
Schmuck: I suppose he could be hiding behind the door. (he's about to inspect behind the door) But that just wouldn't add up!
NC: All right, so tell me. What do I have to do?
Malcolmus: That which is your destiny.
(And we go to commercial. After the commercial break, we come back to Malcomus and Tamity.)
Malcolmus: Now, you understand everything as I explained it to you?
NC: Not really. I couldn't understand what you were saying over all your clothes.
Malcolmus: Well, let me start again. (The sound of loud, creaking leather makes everything he says muffled)
NC: Enough! Your clothes are so loud by every meaning of the word! Just stand still and tell me.
Tamity: You must review the movie and show people that it wasn't the perfect film they thought it was.
NC: Eh, that's not too hard.
Malcolmus: But wait, who will listen to my rambling, philosophical speeches?
Tamity: Oh, I will. I needed a nap anyways. (She pulls out a pillow and rests it on Malcomus' shoulder as she sleeps on it.)
Malcolmus: Very good. So as I was saying, we needed to get leather.
NC: *sigh* So our characters go into the Matrix (vo) to meet up with a character named the Oracle, who'll determine whether or not he's the One to save the world.
(Everyone comes out in stylish outfits that make them look like they're going out to a club.)
NC (vo): (as Cypher) Remember, draw no attention to yourself whatsoever.
(The group is driving down the street.)
Neo: I used to eat there. Really good noodles.
NC (vo): (as Neo) Sorry, that was my attempt at acting like a human being. I fail. (as Trinity) I know. (normal) He goes into a room filled with people so advanced that they watch giant bunnies on TV, and one of the kids teaches him a neat little trick.
Child: Do not try and bend the spoon. Instead only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Child: There is no spoon.
NC (vo): Now truth be told, I actually really liked this scene and think it's one of the more brilliant metaphors of the movie. But because this is a comedy show, I'm gonna play this.
(A clip from The Tick is shown.)
The Tick: SPOOOOON!
NC: Did you hear (Patrick) Warburton's playing him again? I'm excited!
NC (vo): So he meets the Oracle, a program who can apparently predict the future. Because we all know how that software works. To her credit, though, it does sort of feel she's evolved to a higher plane. Higher plane of actually having a personality.
Oracle: Do you think you're the One?
Neo: Honestly, I don't know.
Oracle: Open your mouth, say ahh.
Oracle: (reading his palm) Now I'm supposed to say "Mmm, that's interesting," but...
Neo: I'm not the One.
Oracle: Sorry, kid.
(Cue The Price Is Right fail horns)
Morpheus: What was said was for you, and you alone.
NC (vo): (as Neo) She said I wasn't the One! (As Morpheus) I didn't hear that. (Neo) She said that you're gonna risk your life for me! (Morpheus) Can't hear a thing! (Morpheus starts drowning out Neo by going the "La la la I can't hear you" route.) (normal) But Tom notices something on the way back.
(Neo notices the same cat twice doing the same thing.)
Trinity: Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.
NC (vo): So Agents finally come in and try to stop them. (A SWAT trooper shoots at the wall the group's hiding behind.) Wow, only an hour and twenty minutes in and we finally have some gunfire. If this were (poster of) Monster Squad, we'd be wrapping up by now.
(Suddenly an Agent's hand reaches into the wall.)
Cypher: It's an Agent!
(Morpheus soon lets out a battle cry and dives through the wall.)
NC (vo): Dude, what's with the yelling? You're not Reb Brown. You don't need to announce your rage. (as Morpheus) I'm so excited that I just can't hide it!
(Morpheus fights against Smith, but he gets taken out easily and falls head first into a toilet. NC cracks up at this.)
NC: You know, if you wanna preserve the image of Morpheus as this badass action hero, you might wanna consider cutting the clip of his head slamming into the toilet seat like a drunk college student. Just saying, harshes the mysticism a bit.
(The clip repeats a couple times.)
Smith: Take him.
(The SWAT officers come in and smack Morpheus with nightsticks.)
NC (vo): Yeah, nothing much has changed since 1999.
(Cypher uses one of the electroguns to zap Tank.)
NC (vo): But it turns out there's a traitor in their midst: the angry Italian who always plays the angry Italian. (Joe Pantoliano)
Cypher: If you have anything terribly important to say to Switch, I suggest you say it now.
Trinity. No, please don't.
Switch: Not like this. Not like this.
(Cypher pulls the jack out of Switch, killing her.)
NC (vo): Aw, they gave so much emotion for that character that had, what, two lines in the entire film?
NC: I'm sure gonna miss the way she...wore white.
Cypher: Too late.
Trinity: Goddamn you, Cypher!
NC (vo): (as Trinity) You almost made me act there!
Cypher: I don't believe it!
(Tank repays the favor by zapping Cypher dead with the electrogun.)
NC (vo): But he's zapped by one of the other crew members that got electrocuted in the stomach because as this movie has shown us, blows to the belly are like pats with a pillow for some reason. (Clips of Neo having the tracking bug removed and Tank getting zapped are shown.)
Trinity: You're hurt.
Tank: I'll be all right.
NC: It's just a 20-degree burn. Really, I feel better, if anything.
NC (vo): So they have to save Morpheus from being bored into submission from another one of Weaving's speeches.
Smith: Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with...
NC (vo): (as Smith) If you don't take me up on my kissing advances, I'm just gonna have to steal the first smooch. (normal) As Tom and Trinity dress like those kids who always wanted attention in high school.
(Neo and Trinity begin shooting up the guards in the hall.)
NC (vo): (as Neo) Take that, innocent security guards just doing your job! Tell your wife and kids I said "fuck you!"
(Neo is now shown shooting at an Agent who dodges every shot taken at him.)
NC (vo): But things get tricky when Tom has to go against an Agent, (now Neo's doing his own bullet dodge) who has been told nobody has ever survived against, seeing how they can dodge bullets from any distance.
(Trinity gets the drop on the Agent.)
Trinity: Dodge this. (She then shoots him in the head, making him leave the current body he possessed.)
NC: Until now.
NC (vo): Who knew that apparently the secret was giving a solid two second saying a catchphrase while allowing him to know where the bullet is going to go and somehow forget to use that speed of light movement to dodge it?
NC: I gotta give credit. I wouldn't have figured that out.
NC (vo): They also don't seem to use that speed of light movement here either when Tom opens fire while partaking in this film's favorite pastime: shell case porn!
(Neo is using the turret in the chopper to fire on the Agents guarding Morpheus, including Smith. A shot of the shell casings raining down onto the camera is shown.)
NC: (having an orgasm face) Ooohh, if I could orgasm bullets I would!
NC (vo): And because the first Morpheus yell wasn't funny enough, we now get it in slo-mo, baby!
(Morpheus lets out a yell as he breaks through his handcuffs. NC laughs at it.)
NC: Is he breaking out of his chains or singing the last note of an aria?
(Morpheus' yell is spliced in with clips from "Hair Raising Hare" as Bugs Bunny urges him to hold that high note.)
NC (vo): They have a pretty cool helicopter chase with Trinity jumping off just before the copter explodes.
(The chopper slams into a building, making the glass ripple like a rock thrown into a pond before it explodes!)
NC (vo): Well, that's cool, but why would somebody program window tidal waves into the Matrix?
NC: Is it kinda like that hidden 1-Up (clip from Super Mario Bros. showing Mario hitting a 1-Up block) there's really no rhyme or reason why it's there or how you're supposed to discover it, but you're just gonna benefit off of how cool it is anyway? If so, I'll take it. It's cool.
Tank: I knew it. He's the One.
NC (vo): Yes, only the One could...hold onto a woman who weighs less than him--wait, how is this particularly One-ish?
(The Agents just got to where the group was after the chopper crash.)
Smith: They're not out yet.
NC: (as Smith) We spelled out everything else for the audience. Why stop now?
(Morpheus picks up a payphone and jacks out of the Matrix.)
Trinity: Neo, I wanna tell you something. (The payphone rings.) Everything the Oracle has told me has come true.
NC (vo): You know, let's pretend that there's Agents chasing us and can turn into anybody and time's a factor, perhaps we should save this chitchat for when that's not happening? For example, your talking might take up the exact amount of time for me to... (Smith shoots at Trinity just as she gets out of the Matrix, but it destroys the payphone.) ...not escape. Thanks, bitch.
Smith: Mr. Anderson.
NC (vo): So, because this movie is first half nothing but talk and second half nothing but fighting...(Neo and Smith shoot at each other) here's some more fighting.
(The two tackle each other in mid-air, guns pointed at each other's heads.)
Smith: You're empty.
Neo: So are you.
NC (vo): (as Smith) But I'm at your head. (Neo and Smith get into a brutal fight. Each hit they land on each other knocks dust off of the other.) The thought occurs to me, Mr. Anderson, that we are far too dusty.
(Neo has just left Smith on the tracks as a subway train comes in to smash into him accompanied by the Road Runner's beep-beep.)
NC (vo): But through the logic of Merrie Melodies, he just ends up inside the train and then the chase continues.
(Neo has spent the last several minutes running away from the Agents.)
Tank: (on phone) 303!
NC (vo): *sigh* You ever wonder how once again they can dodge bullets so quickly, but can't somehow run faster? There's not like a Matrix cheat code or something like that? (The Konami Code is shown on screen.)
(Neo makes it to where the phone is ringing, but Smith is already waiting for him and shoots him.)
Smith: Goodbye, Mr. Anderson. (Neo falls to the floor, dead.)
NC (vo): (as Smith) Your reign of mundane terror has ended. (normal) So as the Machines try to break into their ship, Trinity, in this groundbreaking, philosophical, mind-blowing movie that everybody praises, literally brings him back through the power of love!
Trinity: I'm not afraid anymore. The Oracle told me that I would fall in love with a dead man. The man that I loved would be the One. So you see, you can't be dead. Because I love you.
NC: ...Oh, yeah. I could totally tell by the incredible chemistry you guys shared throughout the entire film. Like (Neo and Trinity meeting at the club) that scene. (Neo and Trinity in the car the first time) That scene. (Neo and Trinity in the car the second time) And that scene. But, hey, don't hog all that romantic staring to yourselves. Save some for (clip on the upper right) Edward and Bella.
(Neo comes back from the dead and the Agents shoot at him. He stops their bullets in mid-air, showing that he is the One.)
NC (vo): So Tom comes back to life because...Jesus, and finally takes out Agent Smith.
(Neo runs and dives right into Agent Smith.)
NC (vo): (as Smith) Whoa, I'm becoming blander, more wooden, uninteresting and have a sudden interest to ruin The Day the Earth Stood Still.
(Smith soon explodes from Neo bursting out from inside him. Neo looks at the other Agents and they beat a retreat.)
(Back in the real world, the EMP is finally triggered, killing all the nearby Sentinels. Neo wakes up and shares a passionate kiss with Trinity.)
NC: So, just to clarify, this revolutionary, groundbreaking movie that everyone was just blown away by how different it was...has the white guy saving the black guy, Christ symbolism more obvious than Man of Steel and the woman saving the man not through physical strength, but emotional support. Well, apart from every single movie I've ever seen in my life, that is very original stuff.
NC (vo): So Tom leaves a message to the Machines saying that the revolution is on and that the uprising will begin. That is, he sounds so disinterested I'm not sure that he's saying it or reading it off cue cards.
Neo: I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. A world without rules or controls, without borders or--
(NC is holding up the script for said scene.)
NC: You're doing great, Keanu. You're doing great.
Neo: --anything is possible.
NC (vo): Thus he ascends into the credits and the movie finally wraps up.
NC: So that was The Matrix and...is it really the masterpiece that everybody's saying it is?
(Clips of the movie play out as we go to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. There's a lot of cool scenes and some very clever analogies, but there's also a ton of stuff that doesn't make sense, which would be fine if the characters were more fun and distracted us from it. But the leads are just so wooden and everyone takes this material way too seriously, almost like the writers think they're paving the way for some new religion or philosophy. I remember when this film came out, everyone was saying this was the new Star Wars. I ju--ah, really? Tom and Trinity have the same chemistry as (picture of) Han and Leia? The look and style is timeless that'll never age year after year? Mm, no. Something's not right here. Some symbols work and even the initial idea isn't that bad, but the only game-changer is its technology, and even that at times is starting to look really dated. I don't hate this movie. If anything, I do appreciate what impact it's had on action films to be visual and even an intellectual medium. But as a film, I just don't think it really holds up. Not the worst, but definitely dated.
NC: And besides, there is one major plothole that everyone seems to ignore.
Schmuck: And what plothole is that, Mr. Algiacritic?
(NC yelps, then calls for help.)
NC: Malcolmus, Tamity, help me!
(Every movement the two makes is creaking leather. Malcolmus is trying to pull out his sword.)
Malcolmus: I can't. My leather won't allow me to sheathe my sword.
NC: Tamity, kick his ass!
Tamity: I can't! My leather is too tight and won't let me lift my gun!
Schmuck: Hahahahaha. It seems you're out of ideas, Mr. Algiacritic.
NC: All right, Schmuck, I'll accept defeat as long as you answer one major plothole about the Matrix.
Schmuck: I'm all eyebrows, Mr. Algiacritic.
NC: Why do we need the Matrix?
Schmuck: Because it's a masterpiece.
NC: Great masterpiece?
Schmuck: Is there another kind?
NC: But I'm not talking about Matrix the movie, I'm talking about Matrix the idea. The idea inside the movie. If the computers feed off of people's energy while they're asleep, then why create the Matrix at all? Why not just let them dream or make them brain dead? Lobotomize them or something?
Schmuck: The Matrix is a flawed product. We need it because--
NC: That's not what you said. You said the Matrix is a masterpiece.
Schmuck: That's what I said.
NC: I said "a great masterpiece," you said "is there any other kind." I wanna rewind and play it back for you--
Schmuck: I know what I said. I don't need to have it played back to me.
NC: Why do we need the Matrix? Schmuck?
Schmuck: (getting more and more confused) Sometimes writers take matters into their own hands.
NC: No, Schmuck. A moment ago, you said writers never take matters into their own hands. So the Matrix shouldn't even be around, should it?
Schmuck: I don't even know what movie we're satirizing anymore!
NC: Just say "You can't handle the truth!"
Schmuck: Is that what we're doing?
NC: I don't know! Why is there a Matrix?
Schmuck: It's impossible! They couldn't have goofed it up!
NC: Why is there a Matrix!?
Schmuck: The whole purpose of the movie, they couldn't have overlooked something so huge!
NC: Why is there a Matrix!? (Schmuck starts screaming out) Oh, just blow up in a stupid effect!
(Schmuck lets out one more scream as he blows up before them! NC nods to Malcolmus and Tamity. She gives him a thumbs up, that sudden movement enough to tear a hole in her suit from the back. We then get to more Matrix code on the screen as NC puts out a call.)
NC: I know you're out there, people who don't like the Matrix. I'm going to hang up this phone, and show you a world where you don't need to love what everyone else loves, or hate what everyone else hates. A world without hype. A world without pressure. A world without weird leather pandering to a very specific demographic. Seriously, what is up with that? (The camera then zooms out from a phone) Where we go from there is up to you.
(NC hits end call and then walks out of the office in slo-mo, wearing a leather jacket, doing an action pose. Jim Jarosz walks by them in regular speed.)
Jim: Hey, guys.
(NC looks at the guy walking past them, only for Malcolmus to turn his head back to the camera. NC puts on some shades over his regular glasses before he, Malcolmus and Tamity look up to the sky and it zooms out till the camera's over the city. NC flies into the camera like Neo, only to smack into it and fall back down to earth, clutching his face.)
NC: Oohh, funky buttloving! *thud!*
(And we come to the credits! And one more clip of Morpheus' head hitting the toilet.)
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Neo: You mean artificial intelligence?