And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Muppets."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) It's time to start the-- Spoilers!
There's this short about Toy Story.
And it would've been a great plot for Toy Story 4, but they kind of burnt that bridge.
But it was a real good short!
("Thank You" screen comes up, then sudden cut back to Chester)
Oh, that's right, that's right! There's a Muppet movie.
There's these two brothers.
One is named Walter and one is...the guy Jason Siegel played.
And they're excited because they're going to the Muppet studios with...whoever Amy Adams played!
You see, Walter's excited because he kinda sorta is a Muppet kinda sorta not really maybe...
Yeah, how did the genetics on that work?
Can you just tell somebody's a Muppet if they're born with a big hole in between their legs?
Oh, wait, that's a Kardashian.
(mimes drumming) Badum-bum!
So they go to the Muppet studio, but it turns out there's an evil oil tycoon who wants to rip the studio down!
"I'm gonna get all that oil AND disrupt peoples' dreams! First the Muppets, then little white ducks named Becky, and then the world!"
Okay, he doesn't say the world.
But he might as well! It's Chris Cooper!
He has a plan.
So Walter goes to Kermit the Frog and tells him what's happening.
"Kermit! They're ripping down the studio!"
(miming hand puppet) "Oh no, that's terrible!"
"What are we gonna do?!"
"Raise money through fourth wall jokes?"
So Kermit gets all the Muppets back together.
The only one missing is Miss Piggy.
No, seriously, she's missing. Frank Oz didn't, ah...
That's another story!
But Miss Piggy says she won't come back to the show unless Kermit admits how he really feels for her.
So the plot device for every Muppet film, really.
(Again miming hand puppet) "Why don't you like me, frog?"
"It's not me, it's you."
"Aww, well that's thoughtful-- HEY!"
So while all this is happening they're singing great big musical numbers.
Some of them actually connected with what they're talking about.
And they finally start to put on the telethon!
(singing) It's time to Muppet Show Show! This is the Muppet Show! Muppet, Muppet, Muppet, Muppet...
(waves hand) Well, you know how it goes.
But while all this is going on, Amy Adams is sad.
"This was supposed to be our anniversary, but instead it's just a Muppet movie!"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going back home. If you truly love me, you come after me!"
"Okay!" (steps forward)
"You came after me!"
"Um... Wanna go back?"
So the show is going on, and they're raising a lot of money.
And Kermit decides he really does love Miss Piggy!
"I really do love you."
"I know. This is how we end every Muppet movie."
"Ready to make the audience cry like pansies with 'Rainbow Connection'?"
(As she does chorus singing, Kermit hand says) "That's right, audience! It's 'Toy Story 3' all over again!"
But it turns out they need one more act to get the money they need.
So Walter comes out and rips off the whistling routine from "Malcolm in the Middle"!
(He tries to whistle, failing miserably, then pretends to wipe away a tear) Wasn't that beautiful?
But it turns out there was a problem with the sign.
The actual amount was off by two decimal points!
It turns out they never had the money they thought they did!
I know how that feels. I once thought I had a quarter, but it turns out it was just an orangutan.
It happens all the time.
So Kermit gets up in front of everybody and is like, "I feel like we won, because we are a family. And even if we have to start at the bottom again, we'll still be a family. We'll still be great performers."
Wow. How very mature!
Holy smokes, that is so touching. This... This is probably the most adult message a Muppet film has ever gotten out to anybody--
(Cut to Kermit hand) "Oh, look! The oil tycoon got hit on the head, changed his mind, now we can keep the studio again, yaaaayyyy!"
(Chester shakes his head) I knew it. You didn't have the balls.
"None of us do. We're Muppets."
So "The Muppets" was a really, really great show, movie, thing.
In fact, I wanna be on the Muppets!
(Holds up hand) Didn't ya see my impressions? They'd be great!
So what if they're not wearing any skin?
We'll just call them naked Muppets!
There's already a porn site for it.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, it'll go to supporting the Muppets to host the Oscars! Though, to be fair, James Franco was a pretty convincing puppet.