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The Plot to Frozen 2

Frozen2-620x274

Released
March 24, 2015
Running Time
7:21
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(The shortened opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. When you are a celebrity as (chuckling) incredibly famous as I am, you tend to be given a few privileges. With that said, I'm sure a lot of you heard the announcement about Frozen 2.

(Cut to a montage of clips from Frozen)

NC (vo): The little movie that could continues to be movie that couldn't go away and, big shock, Disney decided to do a sequel of the highest-grossing animated film of all time. That being...

(The opening title sequence of the film is shown)

NC (vo): ...Frozen. I'm... sure you put that together.

(Cut back to the clip montage)

NC (vo): But what people don't know is that the plot is already written. Now, I'm sure a lot of you think that scripts go through rewrites and revisions and all that nonsense. But nope! It's written once and then never touched again.

NC: You want the proof? I actually have the plot (takes up a binder with the words "The Plot" on it) to Frozen 2!

(Hallelujah Choir sings in the background as the binder is shown in close-up)

NC: That's right, I know every single SOLITARY thing that is gonna happen in one of the BIGGEST sequels of all time! And I'm gonna ruin it for ALL of you today! Why? Because I'm an asshole! Let's take a gander.

(After NC opens up the binder and looks in it, we are shown the title of the movie again, but this time serving as a title card "The Plot to Frozen 2". Throughout this video, the various clips from Frozen are shown to match what NC will say)

NC (vo): Everything is grand in the land of Arendelle. Elsa is still queen, Anna is still princess, and Kristoff files for unemployment, because...well, there's still no need for ice, so he's pretty useless. But things suddenly take a horrible turn when they discover terrible news...Elsa's parents have returned home. That's right, they faked their own deaths. They explain that Elsa's powers, mixed with her emotional turmoil, was too much for them to handle. And knowing that her transformation from girlhood to adulthood would (chuckles) probably involve some of the emotional moments, they figured their land was duped. So they sailed to Fiji...

(A picture of people clinking their pints is shown)

NC (vo): ...had a nice cold pint...

(The clip from Shaun of the Dead is shown, showing the titular character sitting in the pub with his gang, drinking beer and winking to the camera)

NC (vo): ...and waited for this all to blow over.

(Back to Frozen clips)

NC (vo): When asked why they did so, they said, "Let's face it: dodging responsibilities is kind of our thing. We solved the problem of a cursed child by sending her to her room. Pretty lazy, but whatcha know?" But when they notice the kingdom hadn't quite blown up, it just went through a cold spell, they decided to return home and demand it back. As you can imagine, Elsa is pretty pissed and isn't willing to hand over her kingdom. Luckily, though, her government has been funding the development and experimentation of bringing conscious life to unanimated snow. True, this was controversial, and the church didn't support the creation of life from nothing, but there were also the people that told her to take her gloves off at the coronation, so fuck those guys.

(The screenshot and the poster for the short Frozen Fever are shown)

NC (vo): She literally sneezes out a snowman army... I guess this was a holdover from a recent short...

(We go back to the clips montage)

NC (vo): ...and marches them to defend her kingdom. But she forgot her parents had a long relationship with the rock trolls, who are not happy that their adopted son (Kristoff) has yet to marry royalty.

(The pictures of Aladdin and Jasmine and Snow White and Prince Charming are shown)

NC (vo): In the past, it usually takes about three days, but he's waited way too long now. And it's time for them to take the throne by whatever means necessary. When Kristoff tries to talk them down, they admit they were mostly just using him for the ice, which, as stated before, makes him pretty useless. Rocks, of course, are harder than snow, so Anna summons help from one of her new friends, Rapunzel.

(The mentioned character's cameo in Frozen is shown briefly)

NC (vo): Rapunzel has an army, led by her horse (Maximus), who sends several divisions out to help Elsa. But the rock trolls disguise themselves as...well, rocks...and ambush them. They then convince the horse that he is a rock troll, because, if you remember, they can wipe anybody's mind and make them think whatever they want. This is especially tough for Sven, who is revealed in the movie to be the horse's half-brother. Apparently, (pictures of...) Bambi's mother and Philippe had a thing. This leads to Elsa feeling incredibly guilty and singing her big musical number. This is going to be a counterpart to "Let It Go" entitled..."Keep It In".

NC: This is a song that teaches kids that if there's something you really, really want to do, say...play the soundtrack to a movie over and over, driving your parents absolutely insane, you should probably just keep it in and only hum the song in your head. (Beat) It's not even really a song, it's just that exact sentence with some musical accompaniment. The kids will be confused, but the parents will be thankful.

NC (vo): After Rapunzel's army fails and Sven is convinced as well that he's a rock troll, Anna questions Elsa if they can call upon the armies of Princess Tiana. Elsa then points out that the person she saw at the coronation was...

(The scene where Elsa stands on a balcony zooms to a black woman in the crowd wearing green similar to Tiana, with a red arrow pointing at her with caption "Not Tiana")

NC (vo): ...not Princess Tiana, as she wouldn't be born for several years, and that she was just a black woman in a green dress. When Anna asks if this makes her racist, Elsa says... "Yes. Yes, it does." So Anna is banished for being racist, and Elsa appoints Olaf as her new sister. Princess Olaf is put in charge of recreating another snowman army to build a giant ice wall to protect her kingdom. But Olaf's snowmen all come out looking yellow. She (Elsa) doesn't want to question how the hell this happened, and she just banishes him, too. Elsa has gained concern as the rock trolls are wiping out everyone's memory, making them think Elsa's parents deserve the throne. She never realized just how friggin' powerful these things were, she always just sort of saw them as perky, needless distractions. But apparently, they're the most dangerous threat the world has ever known. Who knew? So, with her giant ice wall build, Kristoff comes up with a great plan: Elsa can use her powers to go through walls and perhaps sabotage the other side. Elsa forgot she even had this power, but remembered her braid did seem to slip through her arm somehow.

(The short clip of "Let It Go" sequence is shown in slow-motion, showing exactly that)

NC (vo): She uses her new ability to literally walk through the rock trolls untouched and try to talk sense to her parents.

(The still shot of Elsa and Anna's parents is shown, with their eyes being replaced with crudely drawn scared-looking ones)

NC (vo): But her parents think she's a ghost, panic, and send kamikaze trolls to blow up the wall. They didn't realize, though, that the wall is so big that melting it would literally put all of Arendelle underwater.

(The picture of Arendelle is shown turning blue down up, as if sinking)

NC (vo): Knowing her kingdom is lost, she (Elsa) uses her bizarre dressmaking powers to create...

(Pictures of Elsa and Kristoff are shown, but with the mermaid tails instead of legs)

NC (vo): ...fins for the bottom half of her and Kristoff. This would allow them to both breathe and swim underwater, seeing how that is where they'll have to live the rest of their lives.

(A familiar-looking underwater castle is shown)

NC (vo): Seeing how everything is melted and her people are dead, she rebuilds another ice castle out of the yellow snow that Olaf left behind, promotes Kristoff to the role of sex slave...

(The opening to The Little Mermaid is followed)

NC (vo): ...and repopulates her underwater world with a new breed of species. That's right. This was all just a giant prequel for The Little Mermaid, and in a way you completely didn't see coming. Oh, and that ship that Ariel and Flounder have went through that you thought was Elsa's parents? That's actually (picture of...) Jack Sparrow's. Yeah, try to figure out how that one works. The End!

NC: (closes binder, smiling) And that was the plot to Frozen 2. Some changes may apply. (Beat) What? (stops smiling) Oh, oh. I see. You think I'm making it up? You think it's not true? You think I only created this video as clickbait to see you look at it and be like, "Ooh! I gotta see that!" and get a lot more views, huh? All right. Fine. If that's the way you feel, pick something for me to review. Anything. Anything you fucking want! (An ominous music grows up) It can be a movie you've always wanted me to look at even before it came out! If can be fucking anything! Go ahead! Throw your worst at me!

(NC turns to see someone's hand popping out the doorway and holding the Blu-ray for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014))

NC: (scoffs) Child's play... That's easy street! I thought they were gonna have me review it with someone I didn't like.

(The person is revealed to be...the frowning Angry Video Game Nerd!)

NC: (startled) OH!!

(The credits roll)

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