And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Princess and the Frog."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) When you wish upon a spoilers!
There's this girl named Tiana.
And she dreams of owning a restaurant with her daddy!
And her dad is like "When you grow up, we're gonna own the restaurant together."
But then he's like "Oh no! I'm a parent who's married in a Disney film! I'm doomed!"
And then he dies.
Huh, what a shocker.
But before he dies, he tells Tiana something very important.
"If you really want what your heart desires, just wish upon a star."
Hehe, that's the traditional Disney way!
"But that's only part of it! You have to work hard and save up all your money."
(stares, mouth agape) ...Whhaaattt?!
You have to WORK in order to make your dreams come true?!
All these years I've been doing nothing but wishing upon a star, thinking that was gonna help me!
But it turns out I have to WORK?!
Disney lied to me! They lied to my childhood!
What am I supposed to do now? Get a job!?
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Let me wish upon a star for that. *murmurs gibberish*
So Tiana saves up all her money.
And she finally gets her own restaurant!
But these two guys are like "We have to close you down because we found a higher bidder!"
"It's because I'm black, isn't it?"
"Well, it's the 1920's, so sure."
But then this guy named Prince Naveen shows up.
And he's like *dances* "Charleston, charleston. I want to get laid-a!"
But then this dude called the Shadowman pops up.
And he's like "I'll make a deal with ya, Prince Naveen."
"I'm gonna turn you into a frog!"
"Okay! ...Wait a minute."
"Too late!" (He gestures and a poofing sound is heard. Chester disappears and a ribbit is heard.)
So, Prince Naveen is now a frog, and he thinks Tiana is a princess.
So they kiss each other, thinking they'll break the spell!
But then she turns into a frog!
Must be a fairytale loophole.
So they get tossed into the bayou.
And they come across this big lipped, trumpet playing alligator!
And I'm like (Big Lipped logo is seen with trumpets attached) "Big Lipped Trumpet Playing Alligator Moment!" *winks*
And they sing these all-new songs written by Randy Newman!
You know, the guy who made a living writing one song over and over and over again?
The song that's not the least bit hummable or memorable?
But it's been nominated for a bajillion Oscars!?
That's the guy!
Incidentally, did you know that he was my cousin?
We both have the exact same singing voice!
(singing) You got a friend in me! .....You got a friend in me!
You see? I could write one song over and over too!
Where's my bajillion Oscar nominations!?
Oh, there they are.
And they sing about how they have to go find a female witch doctor.
Wouldn't that technically be a doctor witch?
So they come across a lightning bug named Ray.
And he's like "C'mon! Let's go see if we can find Alan Menken in this forest!"
Please find Alan Menken!
But instead they come across the doctor witch!
And they're like "Can you help us?"
"But the king of Mardi Gras is right down the street, so technically his daughter is a princess! She can kiss you and make you better!"
"Does that count?"
"Sure, why not?"
I love Disney loopholes! They can make anything happen!
So they try to get to the...princess of Mardi Gras. *shrugs*
But she has to kiss the frog before midnight!
How come magic spells always have a curfew?
But then the evil Shadowman appears!
And Ray the lightning bug tries to stop him!
"Ray the lightning bug to save the day!"
But then the Shadowman is like *He smacks hands together and wipes hand on jacket sleeve* ...
And I'm thinking to myself "Oh, it'll be okay. He's a comic relief. He can survive anything!"
But...no, he's dead...
...That's distractingly dark.
But the two frogs defeat the Shadowman!
But they do it after midnight.
So Naveen and Tiana stay frogs.
And they hold a...funeral for the lightning bug.
They use a leaf as a coffin, and the alligator plays "Taps" on the trumpet.
...That's the funniest sad event I've ever seen.
But's it okay, because Ray is reunited with his girlfriend! ...Who's a star!
I had a star for a girlfriend once!
Lady Gaga, please call me back.
So everyone has a moment of silence for our little lightning bug friend.
(sniffs) ...Okay, moment over!
The two frogs decide to get married!
And after they're pronounced frog and...frogger, they kiss each other and turn back into humans!
You see, apparently when Naveen married Tiana she became a princess, so he's technically kissing a princess, making them human again.
...What's with all the loopholes?!
Seriously, was this a fairytale written by a lawyer?!
So Tiana and Naveen open up their own restaurant.
And they're *dances* dancin' and they're hoppin'.
Okay, not hoppin'. That's when they were frogs.
And while they're all dancing and having a good time, I'm like "Dude, remember when that bug died? ...That was weird."
Disney, just because you can kill off a main character doesn't mean you should!
If that's the case, why didn't you kill off Rosie O'Donnell in "Tarzan"?
That damn dirty ape.
So "Princess and the Frog" is a wonderful film for the whole family.
All except for insects. It's... It's not a pro-lightning bug movie.
Except my question is when is there going to be a first bum princess?
We can call her a bumcess!
And her name will be Courtney Cox.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least could you hire a princess to give me a kiss? My nipple turns into a rabbit.