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The Reviewers (UV)

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Date Aired:
July 25rd, 2013
Running Time
30:51
Website


We open on the Webmaster yet again.

Webmaster: Just when you think you're safest, that's when you're in the most danger. When everything seems to fall into place, that's when it all falls apart. Oh, you may be relaxed now, but soon those angels on your shoulder will give way to inner demons. That's why meditation safety is so importa... What?

Thomas: Oh good, you found my cue cards. By the way, I, uh,  talked to Vanessa.

WM: Who?

Thomas: The station manager.

WM: This is public access. Nobody manages anything.

Thomas: Well, I wouldn't tell her that, but she said I could have the studio at five.

WM: That cuts my schedule in half.

Thomas: Well, there must be some compromise. You can't make an omelet without ... eggs. Unless it's a vegan omelette. Those you can make without eggs. Would you like a vegan omelette? I'm gonna make two vegan omelettes. (He leaves)

WM: (sighs) The trials of being an internet reviewer, much like the trials of trying to run a public access show, are not as glamorous as it seems. Our next tale shows what happens when delusions of grandeur collide with delusions of ... reality.

Thomas: (offscreen) Is reality a delusion?

WM: Shut up. I give you The Reviewers.

Fade to black

Title card: Sunday

We then cut to a close up of our main character named Andy (Brian Lewis) as he adjusts his camera. He then backs up to reveal he is wearing a very cheap, dollar-store vampire costume and has white powder on his face.

Count Thomas Howell: Hello, I am ... Oh, shit (Andy suddenly realizes he's still wearing his glasses) Hello, I am Count Thomas Howell, your host for this evenings festivities. Tonight we bring you a story of intrigue, locomotives, and a little sli... and a little sli... Sh. And little slippery. slimy creatures of the earth. For some, they call them the strapons of Satan. Others simply refer to them as snakes. Snakes on a Train introduces us to two Mexican immigrants leaping the border into these United States. Their ticket to freedom lies aboard this megaton contraption of steel cages, drug dealers, and ye ol... ye ulp ... FUCK!!! And yuppie businessmen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Andy: (vo) Hey, guys, uh, my name is Andy.

We cut to Andy in his bathroom getting into costume as we hear him continue to narrate.

Andy: (vo) I'm not really a vampire, by the way. I play one on the internet. It was either that or a werewolf and who wants to see a werewolf talk about movies. They smell funny. They shit all over the place. And nobody will take my opinions on movies seriously. Anyway, I read an article one time about people who do this kind of thing for a living and it inspired me. Inspired me more than that got who survived getting shot in the head and completed a triathlon. I think it was a triathlon. Could have been figure skating. I'm not sure. Point is, he seemed like a cool guy. I want to be that guy. Except for the getting shot in the head part. I just want to be famous and inspiring. My roommate Jeff. He wanted in on the bandwagon too, but I think my show is better. To say.

CTM: Ha ha ha. Ah, this concludes our story of a hundred passengers and three thousand venomous vipors, or if you prefer twenty passengers and a hundred garden snakes with internal rattlers. I am Count Thomas Howell saying "wakey wakey snakes and bacey"

Andy: (vo) Yeah. Let's see you try and top that, Jeff.

Cut to outside Andy's door where Jeff (Jake Norvell) is. Jeff throws something to Andy.

Jeff: Here.

Andy: What's this?

Jeff: It's chap stick for when you kiss my ass after you see my video.

Andy: Oh, you got it done.

Jeff: Why do you think you haven't heard from me in five days.

Cut to them in their kitchen as Jeff pulls something from the fridge and the subtitle Turkish, California is seen.

Andy: Fuck Jeff. I was working on getting my video together too. I didn't realize how many days had gone by. I sit and answer phones all day. Iin my down time, I just write scripts and plan when to shoot at night.

Jeff: Do you think it's paid off?

Andy: Not enough people review movies as vampires.

Jeff: What are you talking about? Just the other day, I saw this sexy vampire review of From Dusk Till Dawn. Turned me on more than that foot fetish scene.

They sit in their living room and Jeff gets out his laptop.

Andy: No. No. See, they review vampire movies as vampires. But I'm sure vampires watch other movies than just ones with vampires in them. I watch movies that don't feature white guys with beards.

Jeff:  You refuse to watch that Kissinger movie because it had Ron Silver beardless in it.

Andy: OK. That was literally him betraying his roots and that's something I got a problem with. But you know what I mean. I'm sure people want to know a vampire's opinion on something other than a blood sucker movie. That's what I want to give them. Why not look at the Asylum movies.

Jeff: You know, you're not really a vampire, right Andy?

Andy: What does that have to do with anything?

Jeff: You seem to be going off on the idea that people are watching this because they want reviews from vampires, but what if a real vampire watches this. Wouldn't he be offended by your white-face?

Andy: Is is white-face? I kinda thought it was dead face?

Jeff: Pale face?

Andy: Wait. Wasn't that a Dick Tracy villain?

Jeff: Wait. Why am I not righting this down. This'll be great banter for my show.

Andy: Are you playing a vampire? I did that first, you asshole.

Jeff: Calm down, Little Richard. You're gonna love this.

We cut to Jeff's video of his car being rocked back and forth as banjo music plays. We cut inside to see Jeff with tin foil on his head and sunglasses.

Space Lancer Steve: It's a bright sunny day out here which is exactly how these alien bastards will get ya. This is frequency two point six seven five four three two one point seven eight niner five six point three point twelve. I gonna need backup on space station Z-Cobra. I'm on a distant planet where bright sunlight is deadly to humans

Sock Puppet: Greetings earthling, I am Lord Penis of the Planet Ass.

Steve: Ah, how did you know my name was Steve?

Lord Penis: I come bearing gifts. And you have chosen door number two. (Farts)

Steve: Ah ah ah. The stench. My one weakness.

Admiral Ackbar toy: Steve.

Steve: Admiral Ackbar? What are you doing here?

Ackbar: It's a trap!

Steve: That it is, Admiral Ackbar.

Andy chuckles as he watches.

Steve: It's a good thing you already emptied your bowels cause you're about to get a treatment of laser eye buggery.

Lord Penis: You'll never get away with this, Space Lancer Steve.

Steve: That's where you're wrong cause I just played the space card. (Shoots Lord Penis with a cheap laser effect) Come in, Headquarters. I'm ready for that rescue ship now.

Intercom: Give us, oh, about twenty minutes?

Steve: Well, while we're waiting for the rescue ship to show up, let's talk about Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

Andy: Fucking wow.

Jeff: He he he. Yeah. I knew you'd have that reaction.

Andy: You combined sci-fi, movie reviewing, and plot elements. How did you do that?

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