July 13th, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, I’ve gotten emails and emails and emails and EMAILS from people wanting me to review this one certain movie. Well, today I’m finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ever. I am going to review... The Room. That’s right the college film that I made growing up.
Footage from Doug’s college film “The Room”
NC (voiceover): I’m surprised you guys want me to review this so bad. It’s not very long and I made it years ago. But ever since I showed it in my flashback section, you’ve all requested me to do it.
NC: So let’s not waste any time. Let’s dive right into...
Explosion offscreen, NC from the future appears obviously ripping off the Christopher Lloyd from “Back to the Future”
Future NC: Critic!
NC: Who are you?
Future NC: I’m you... from the future!
NC: Well, what are you doing here... what am I doing here... what are we doing here?!
Future NC: This isn’t the movie they want you to review, Critic. There’s one worse, FAR WORSE that they say is one of the worst movies of all time! (Strange mumble noise)
NC: Really? Uh, that is tempting. When was it made?
Future NC: ALL the way in 2003!
NC: But that’s after my cut-off date. That’s barely nostalgic.
Future NC: I know! That’s why I’m here to take you into the future so that it will be nostalgic! (mumble)
NC: Oh, but I wanted to review my old college movie. It was gonna be funny.
Future NC: No, it wasn’t! (tries to drag NC out of his seat)
NC: Yes it was!
Future NC: What, were you gonna use another Chuck Norris joke?
Future NC: Come on, Critic. There’s no time to lose!
(both leave and a shot of the Delorean shooting off into the future. NC arrives in his basement from the future)
NC: Wow. So what year is this?
Future NC: The future!
NC: Alright, alright. But why am I downstairs in the basement?
Future NC: Oh, it’s the only place we can hide from the seahorses.
NC: Oh. (long pause) What?
Future NC: Oh yeah, seahorses rule the earth now. Complete domination. No one saw it coming, really.
(NC looks out of the window to see the seahorse empire with futuristic buildings and a seahorse Statue of Liberty)
NC: Well, I’ll just deal with that as it comes. So, let’s not waste any time. Let’s dive right into The Room.
(Shots of the Room opening credits)
NC (voiceover): OK, so after we get our logo, which looks like it should be before a Turbo Grafx 16 game, we cut to our opening credits. We get some fairly descent shots of San Francisco as we see the star of our movie is Tommy Wiseau... who, I guess was also the executive producer... and the writer... and the producer again. Gee, either the director of this film really likes Tommy Wiseau or, prf, I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say (Directed by Tommy Wiseau) yeah, just as I thought. Looks like we have a personal story here, people. Be very afraid
(Wiseau, playing Johnny, walks through door to girlfriend, Lisa)
Johnny: (very blandly, like all his dialogue) Hi, babe. I’ve something for you.
NC: (chuckles) Okay, no no no... come on, come on. Where’s the real performance?
Johnny: The bank saves money and they are using me, and I am the fool.
NC: (laughing) No. Come on, seriously guys. Where’s the real actor?
Johnny: You are part of my life, you are everything. I cannot go on without you, Lisa.
(NC’s face goes from smile to disgust)
Johnny: What about Elizabeth, huh?
NC (voiceover): Lemme guess. That’s Tommy Wiseau? (subtitle under him saying “Tommy Wiseau”)
NC: Oh no (covers his face). That’s the kind of acting they only talk about in fairy tales. The kind of acting they say could never exist!
(Static to shot of Obscurus Lupa)
Lupa: Don’t do it, Critic.
NC: Obscurus Lupa?
Lupa: I’ve reviewed this movie already. There's no need for you to sacrifice your sanity as well.
NC: I must, Lupa. True it will be hard to sit through this anus of a performance, but I must do it for my fans!
Lupa: (cries) But Critic...
NC: Away with you!
(Lupa leaves crying, NC takes a breath and continues)
NC (voiceover): So yeah, this is our main character everybody. You know that creepy guy who always looks at you funny on the subway? Yeah, he made a movie apparently. And in that movie he plays Johnny, the finance of a pretty young woman named Lisa.
(Shot of another character entering the apartment)
Denny: Oh, hey guys.
Johnny: Oh, hi Denny.
NC (VO): And this is Denny. We don’t know much about him, but after a few of scenes, you’ll wish it stayed that way.
Johnny: Nice to see you Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs too? (Johnny laughs for some reason)
Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.
NC (VO): So, a kid comes over and they go upstairs to have sex? Well, that’s kinda rude. What’s the kid supposed to do? I mean, is he supposed to just go upstairs and join them?
(He does so in the middle of a pillow fight, NC looks shocked)
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
NC: (stunned again) Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
Johnny: Denny, two’s great but three’s a crowd. (chuckle)
Denny: I get it. You guys wanna be alone.
Johnny: That’s the idea.
Denny: Alright, I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds.
Johnny: Bye, Denny.
NC (VO): So... was that a charming scene, or should we be emotionally disturbed. Oh well, who cares. We have a gratuitous sex scene to shoot! Which apparently they waited until night to do, considering they started during the day and as soon as they started taking their clothes off, it’s at night. What, did they just pillow fight the whole time? (Scene happens as NC describes) But, hey, if you think it took them a while to start making out, see how long it takes for them to actually start having sex. I mean it. They kiss, play with their clothes, she puts her hair down... just so she can put it back up again. It practically takes forever! (They bump uglies in a weird way) And wouldn’t you know it, even the sex is really off. I mean, look at this angle here. Really look at it. Is he fucking her belly button? Cuz it looks like he’s fucking her belly button. Dude, I don’t know how many times you’ve had sex but it’s not that tight! So, I’m guessing 5 days later they finally get sex over with... or whatever the hell you call that. So Johnny gets up for a minute and...
(Footage of Johnny's ass with a donkey head superimposed)
NC: DAAAAAH! Fuck it, movie! Fuck it! I- I got a hard enough time watching his acting, you gotta show me his ass?! What the hell!
NC (VO): Actually, this whole scene plays like a sex tape gone wrong. In fact, I bet that’s what happened. I bet that’s exactly what happened! Tommy Wiseau was filming himself and his girlfriend having sex when somebody came across the tape. They confronted him about it and he said...
NC (imitating Wiseau): Oh no, is not sex tape, is, uh, independent movie I’m making. Yeah, that’s it. Independent movie. And, uh, I’m in it and so is my girlfriend.
NC (Imitating Lisa): Tommy, what are you doing?
NC (imitating Wiseau): I had to think of something, we just have to make movie now.
NC (imitating Lisa): But neither of us can act.
NC (imitating Wiseau): We make movie now!
NC (VO): So Lisa’s mother comes over as she feels something is wrong.
Mother: What’s wrong? Tell me.
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Mother: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so... boring.
NC: Ok, if making love to your navel is boring, I don’t wanna know what exciting is.
Mother: He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. And his position is very secure.
NC (imitating Mother): Yes, your job that we’ll never explain or see you do makes much more than his job which we’ll never explain or see him do. (Back to normal) So we see Lisa call Johnny’s best friend, Mark, as she invites him over for a quote-unquote “talk”.
Mark: Thank you.
Lisa: It’s hot in here.
Mark: I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean what’s going on here?
Benjamin (from The Graduate): Mrs Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.
Lisa: I like you very much... lover boy.
Mark: What are you doing this for?
NC (imitating Mark): Dude, thought we were gonna talk.
Lisa: Don’t you like me?
Mark: Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Forget about Johnny.
Mark: I’m leaving now.
Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.
NC (imitating Mark): Dude, I like dicks, OK? I like dicks, I didn’t know you wanted it spelled out for you.
NC (VO): But ultimately, he does give in, as Mark Lisa partake in spiral stair sex... interesting location, (cut to flower shop) but more important things are going on like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers.
(All very quick)
Johnny: Hi. Yeah, can have a dozen red roses, please?
Flower seller: Oh hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.
MC (VO): What, wh...
Flower seller: Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me.
NC (VO): Huh? What the...
Johnny: How much is it?
Flower seller: That’ll be $18.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change.
NC (VO): Hey, what?
Johnny: Hi doggy.
Flower seller: You’re my favorite customer.
NC (VO): What?
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye.
NC (VO): Wait...
Flower seller: Bye-bye.
NC: Okay, hold on... what just happened?!
NC (VO): I know he’s just buying her some flowers but... I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let’s analyze this scene. I mean, I know I'm nitpicking but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me.
Scene replays and stops every time NC talks
Johnny: Yeah, can have a dozen red roses please?
Flower seller: Oh hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.
NC (VO): You didn’t know it was him? You didn’t recognise the 5 foot, girly haired French zombie until he took off his sunglasses?
Flower seller: Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me.
NC (VO): Why did he say that? She didn’t give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catchphrase of the day?
Johnny: How much is it?
Flower seller: That’ll be $18.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy.
Flower seller: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye
NC (VO): And what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple of seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for like 2 minutes so they had to shoot it really fast?
NC (imitating Johnny): Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.
NC (gruff voice offscreen): Hey jackass, I’m closing the store in 30 seconds!
NC (imitating Johnny and very fast): Here’s the money, keep the change, hello doggy, bye!
(Cut back to apartment with Lisa and Denny)
Lisa: Hey Denny. How are you doing?
Denny: I’m fine. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?
(NC stares in confusion)
Lisa: You are such a little brat.
Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.
(NC continues to stare)
NC: You know this movie’s awkward enough, kid. It doesn’t need your help.
Johnny: Hi, babe. These are for you.
Lisa: Did you get your promotion?
Lisa (after a pause): You didn’t get it, did you?
NC (VO): What part of “nah” did you not understand?
Johnny: They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me and I don’t care anymore.
NC: Oh Jesus, you know Jean Claude Van Damme could be an English teacher compared to this guy.
Lisa: You need a drink.
NC (VO): So she makes him a drink of Vodka and... wine, as they get ready for another night of slow, awkward sex.
The two slowly try to do it, Lisa for so reason has Johnny’s tie on her head
NC (imitating Johnny): Umm. Ha ha ha, let’s role-play. You be Sonja Blade and I’ll be a terrible actor.
(Static, then Linkara appears)
Linkara: Don’t do it, Critic! There’s still time!
Linkara: You don’t wanna sit through The Room. It sucks out your mind and replaces it with stupid!
NC: Damn it, Linkara. I made a promise to get through this movie and, by God, I’m gonna keep it!
Linkara: You’re mad, Critic. MAD!
NC: Be gone!
Linkara: Okay. (casually walks off)
NC (VO): So after Johnny and Lisa take another week to have sex, Lisa’s mother drops by again to give more advice.
Mother: Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Mother: I got the results of the test back. I defiantly have breast cancer.
NC (VO): Yikes!... Well, gee, you’re taking it pretty well.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine.
NC (VO): And shes taking it despicably well too. I’m so glad this wasn’t any SERIOUS bad news. You know, like Lisa’s getting bored or something.
Mother: Well at least you have a good man.
Lisa: You’re wrong. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night, and he hit me.
Mother: Johnny doesn’t drink!
NC: (chuckles) She just admitted that he hits her and the mother’s like “Johnny doesn’t drink... I know he hits you like a football player’s wife but he doesn’t drink!”
NC (VO): Meanwhile, two friends of Lisa’s come spontaneously out of nowhere to sneak into her apartment to have sex.
Male Friend: Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?
NC (imitating the random guy): Did you also know that when it rains, huh huh, people get wet.
(Lisa and Mother enter interrupting her friends)
Mother: Hello...? What are these characters doing here?
NC (VO): I dunno! They serve no purpose to the story and bring the film to yet another complete halt so I guess you’ll have to ask the English challenged director. Meanwhile, Denny is confronted with some bad news.
Random Thug: You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Random Thug: I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (Guy wrestles Denny to the ground with a gun to his head) Where’s my fucking money, Denny?!
NC (VO): Hey, I think this is how the movie was financed.
Random Thug: Where’s my money?
Denny: I don’t have anything.
Random Thug: Where’s my money Denny?
(Clip from the Big Lebowski)
Dude: It’s down there somewhere, let me take another look (head is stuffed down a toilet)
NC (VO): But luckily, Johnny and his friends are there to save him.
Lisa: What did that man want from you?
Mother: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: Tell me everything.
Mother: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?
NC: Yeah kid, how dare you have a madman point a gun at you! That’s really inconsiderate.
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up, I didn’t mean for this to happen.
NC: Oh, but Denny, don’t you know...
Footage from “Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue” of a “Say No to Drugs” song with Alvin and the Chipmunks, Winnie the Pooh and other characters. NC dances to the song.
Mother: A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that?
Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!
Mother: You listen to me! (pulls Denny roughly towards her)
Lisa: No, no!
Mother: Someone had better do something around here!
NC (imitating Mother): Or granny’ll bust a cap in your ass!
Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?
Mother: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Lisa: Denny you know that Johnny’s like your father, and we’re your friends. We’re gonna help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
NC (imitating Denny(?)): Hey Johnny, what was the point of that scene?
NC (imitating Johnny): Never question me or I cut you.
Sudden scene change to Mark on phone
Lisa: (on phone to Mark): I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you. What are you talking about?
NC (VO): So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over AGAIN as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.
Johnny: I did naat hit her. It’s naat true. It’s boolshit. I did naat hit her. I did NAAT... oh, hi Mark.
NC looks on in shear horror as the scene begins to replay
Johnny: I did naat hit her. It’s naat true...
NC: No, no, don’t play it again. I think the evidence is very clear. That is the worst piece of acting that has EVER been put on film!
NC (VO): I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right, not one word was said correctly, not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying! There are middle school plays that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was like the nirvana of bad acting. The Holy Grail! All hail to you, your lameness!
Johnny: I did naat hit her. I did NAAT... oh, hi Mark.
Ripoff of 2001: A Space Odyssey as a fetus with Wiseau’s head appears with the supertitle “You Have Reached Enlightenment!”
Deep Voice: By God was that bad!
Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: I’m just thinking. I used to know this one girl, she had a dozen guys. One of ‘em found out about it. Beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital of Guerrero Street
NC: Ha ha ha ha, that’s not funny, you sick fuck.
Johnny: (badly dubbed over) What a story Mark.
Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.
NC (VO): I think he just did. That line was horribly dubbed.
Johnny: What a story Mark.
Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.
NC: (imitating Johnny’s bad voice dubbing): Oh can I? Thank you.
Denny: Hey Johnny.
Johnny: Oh, hi Denny.
Denny: What’s wrong with Mark?
Johnny: He’s cranky today. Hahahaha.
NC (VO): Stop laughing at things that aren’t funny, you goddamn weirdo! And why is no wind blowing in their hair?!
Denny: It’s about Lisa
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: She looks great in her red dress. I think I’m in love with her.
Johnny: Go on.
NC: Go on? What, you mean more?
Denny: I feel like I wanna kiss her and tell her that I love her.
Johnny: Don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too as a person, as a human being.
NC (VO): Wow, people take shockingly bad news really well in this movie. Did everyone just take a Xanax cocktail in this story?
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart and there’s nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.
NC (imitating Johnny): You can read about it in my new book, “The Tao of Johnny” (book appears). It’s real good, huh?
Johnny: If you have any problems talk to me and I will help you.
Denny: Awesome. Thanks Johnny.
Johnny: Let’s go eat, huh?
NC (VO): Oh gee. Can we eat HUH? I never had HUH before. Is there a HUH restaurant somewhere around here?! So Johnny comes home as Lisa’s friend, Michelle, is just leaving.
Lisa: I can’t talk right now.
Johnny: Why Lisa why? Please talk to me, please! You’re lying, I never hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
NC: (with head in hands) Oh my God *sigh*.
Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?
Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?
NC (VO): You know what, I got it. You know what this guy is? He’s the Bizarro Fabio. Same hooky acting, same indefinable accent, except when Fabio Is muscular and good looking, this guy is...
The ass scene is shown again
NC: (whimpers in disgust) Never show that again! (sharp exhale)
NC (VO): So the guys meet up and throw a football in the alley because... that’s what guys do I guess. As Mark lightly taps one of his friends and he falls over like a clumsy ox. What the point in this sequence? Nothing. You could pretty much make trading cards out of how many pointless sequences there are in this movie!
Johnny: Let's go home, Denny.
NC (VO): Boy, he really wants to get that kid home a lot, doesn’t he?
NC: I’m not gonna question anything but I’m gonna play this music.
Scene replays in slow-mo while “I Will Always Love You” plays in the background.
NC (VO): So Lisa’s mother comes over AGAIN to have yet ANOTHER tedious dialogue.
Mother: I expected your husband to be a little more generous.
Lisa: He’s not my husband.
Mother: I know but Johnny is part of our family...
Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him.
NC: Didn’t we have this conversation like 5 other times? She’s like “You should like Johnny” “I don’t” “You’re a slut” “Yes” WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!
NC (VO): So Johnny and Mark sit down and have a word with their other good friend, Peter.
Mark: Hey, are you running Bay-to-Breakers this year?
Johnny: I am, sure.
Peter: I’m not gonna do it this year.
Johnny: Hahahaha. Chicken, Peter. You’re just a little chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheeeeeeep!
NC: This has been another (Pointless Moment sting appears) Pointless Moment.
Static again and this time, Spoony appears.
Spoony: No, Critic! Don’t do it!
Spoony: Don’t throw your life away, it’s not worth it!
NC: Okay, look. I’m getting through this movie and that’s final.
Spoony: No Critic. Nobody should be forced to watch Highlander 2!
NC: Highlander 2? I’m not reviewing Highlander 2.
Spoony: Oh good. For a minute there, I thought you’d gone totally insane. That’s a relief. So, tell me, what movie are you reviewing?
NC: Well, I’m reviewing The Room.
Spoony screams like a girl and runs out of his room.
NC: Thanks for that.
NC (VO): So, all the guys get dressed up in their tuxedos as, I guess they’re getting ready to go to the wedding. (They throw a football in the street) Oh wait, no, they’re going out to through the football around again. Okay, well, then are they going to the wedding? (change into normal clothes and go to a restaurant) NO, they just take ‘em off and go along with their daily lives... do they always wear tuxes when they play football? Is that just an everyday occurrence for them?
NC (on phone): What’s that, you’re going to play football? Oh great, I’ll go and put on my finest tux! Oh wait, no no no, I’m getting married tomorrow so I gotta iron out my jersey.
Johnny: We got a new client at the bank, we’ll make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.
Mark: Oh, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can’t. Anyway, how’s your sex life?
NC spits out the drink that he happened to be drinking at that point
Mark: Can’t talk about it.
Johnny: Why not?
NC: Why not, how about you just brought it the fuck out of nowhere you... weird alien man!
NC (VO): And yeah, speaking of awkward, Lisa invites Mark over for another night of thrills.
Mark: What’s going on?
NC (VO): Oh my god, do you need landing lights to the bed? She wants to sleep with you! That’s what she does every other time you’re over, you fucking idiot!
Lisa and Mark get it on, but the scene is fast forwarded
NC (VO): Yeah, yeah, yeah. Insert gratuitous sex scene here. So then we cut to HOLY SHIT! Do these guys do anything else other than play football? This is unbelievable, in fact, they’re not even playing football, they’re just throwing it back and forth. Do they even know the rules of football? Why don’t you get a new hobby? You know, like Mark. He’s made a wonderful hobby out of screwing his best friend’s fiancée and yet acting totally surprised every time he does it!
Lisa takes her top off in front of Mark
Mark: Wait, what are you doing?
NC bashes head against the wall
NC (VO): Boy, this movie isn’t nearly repetitive enough though. Why don’t we have yet ANOTHER talk with Lisa’s mother, as they discuss the same thing they discussed in the last three conversations.
Lisa: We’re fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday party but I’m really not into it.
Mother: Oh, why not?
NC: Wait, wait wait, I’m keen to guess. “I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny”.
Lisa: I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny.
NC: It’s not right, Lisa!
Mother: It’s not right, Lisa!
NC: Skip it!
NC (VO): So after Johnny returns from his Grima Wormtongue audition, we see a surprise party being thrown for his birthday.
Johnny and his friends drink as the scene suddenly changes to a night shot of the city
NC (VO): Okay, enough of that scene (scene returns to the party) ...And now back to that scene. What, was that the screensaver while the movie loads?
The said scene replays with a loading bar and subtitle “Loading Dick Sauce of a Movie...”
Lisa: Hey, everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air.
Everyone leaves except Lisa and Mark
Lisa: Wait. I have something I wanna show you.
Mark: Oh really?
NC (imitating Mark): Hey, What’s going on here?
NC (VO): That’s right. Just make out during your own fiancée’s birthday party. What in all probability can go wrong?
Random Guy*: (catches Mark and Lisa, surprise surprise) What’s going on here?
*apparently called Steve according to credits but never referred to in the film
NC (VO): Oh yeah, there’s tons of people around and you could get caught at any minute.
Random Guy: Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Johnny! He’s very sensitive.
NC (imitating Random Guy): That’s right, you listen to me....whoever I am!
NC (VO): So as the night goes on, Mark and Johnny start to get on each other’s nerves.
Mark: You really don’t know, do you?
Johnny: Maybe I know more than you think I do Mark!
Mark: Shit, alright!
Johnny: What do you want from me, huh?
Mark and Johnny fight alongside superimposed cat noises
Johnny: Alright. Okay, folks everything is fine. The fight is over. I’m sorry, Mark.
NC (VO): Oh good. It looks like that’s over with.
Mark: I just wanna talk to you.
Johnny: Since when do you give me orders?
NC looks fed up
Mark: Since she changed her mind about you. Wake up, man! What planet are you on?
NC: That’s the first legitimate question I’ve heard in this movie.
Johnny: I think you should leave right now, Mark.
Mark: Don’t worry about it man.
Johnny: Don’t touch me, motherfucker! Get out.
Another Mark and Johnny catfight
Johnny: You betrayed me, you’re not good. You’re just a little chicken. (makes chicken noises)
NC (imitating Mark): Nobody poorly imitates my favorite farmyard animal!
Johnny: It’s not over. Everybody betrayed me. I’m fed up with this world!
NC (VO): Oh geez. You know it’s like Christopher Walken if they sucked out all likability.
Christopher Walken: Ouch!
NC (VO): So Johnny locks himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out.
Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny.
Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.
NC (VO): Say, you what this seems like the perfect time to do?
Lisa calls Mark on the phone
Lisa: Hi Mark, I need to talk to you.
NC (imitating Johnny): Oh god, are you serious?!
Lisa: Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby.
NC (imitating Johnny): I’m standing right here, man!
Lisa: You know I love you very much.
NC (imitating Johnny): You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
NC (VO): So, Johnny finally throws the bitch out as he throws to most over-the-top yet somehow nonchalant temper tantrums.
Johnny: Rah! Why Lisa? Why! Why!
Johnny trashes the apartment by, not so much throwing objects, but pushing and moving things, leaning a picture on the camera that is filming him and removing clothing drawers.
NC (imitating Johnny): Yah, I’m angry, I guess. Roar! Roar! I’m really mean and frustrated, huh! This is what angry people do, right? HUH!
NC (VO): Finally, Johnny can take it no more. He puts this god forsaken performance to a stop.
Johnny puts a gun in his mouth and shoots, killing him. Lisa and Mark enter, finding Johnny on the floor
Mark: Wake up, Johnny! Come on!
NC (VO): Wake up?! I don’t think you really wake up from a bullet to the mouth!
Lisa: Is he dead?
NC looks shocked and frustratingly re-enacts the moment, trying to comprehend what Lisa just said and before exploding he calmly says...
NC: Well, yes. Yes he is, young lady. He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be.
NC (VO): He has expired and gone to meet his maker. He’s a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace! If he didn’t shoot himself, he’d be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket! He’s shuffled off the mortal coil! Run down the curtain and joined the friggin’ choir invisible!
NC: THIS... IS AN EX... PERSON!!!!
Pet shop owner: (from the infamous Dead Parrot sketch) Well, I’d better replace it then.
Mark kisses Johnny on the forehead
NC (British narrator accent): Goodbye, sweet prick. And flights of assholes send thee to thy rest.
Lisa: I’ve lost him but I still have you, right?
NC (VO): Wow. That’s a clumsy rebound.
Mark: You don’t have me!
Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be together. I love you.
NC (imitating Lisa): Come on, we’ll have sex on his corpse, it’ll be tons of fun!
Denny: What’s happening?
Mark: Don’t look, Denny.
Denny: Johnny’s dead!
They all cry as the scene fades out
NC (British narrator accent): For never has there been a tale of more blow, than this dumbass bitch and her Tommy Wiseau.
NC: And that’s The Room. Christity Christ Christ Christ!
Footage of the Room plays
NC (VO): This movie is a miracle! I’ve never seen a performance so consistently bad or writing so hypnotizingly lame. But to be honest, I know you’re going think I’m a little crazy, it’s really worth checking out. It truly is one of those movies you need to see to believe. Nobody could make a movie this interestingly bad. It had to be the warped mindset of some weirdo whose international origins remain a mystery. So, if you’re really up for some absolutely horrible, yet surprisingly entertaining shit this movie is for you.
NC: And that’s my review, I hope you enjoyed it and...
Future NC appears again
Future NC: Critic, We’ve got to go! They’re on to us!
NC: Why, what’s going...
Explosion and two seahorse enter the basement
Seahorse 1: Are you watching The Room?
Seahorse 2: You know that movie is outlawed!
Seahorses: Seize them!
Future NC: Vamanos!
Delorian blasts the NC’s back to the present
NC: Ahh, well I gotta admit, after going through all that it sure is nice to be back in a my old room. (NC curiously looks around and notices his wall is a different color) Hey, how come my wall’s a bit of a different color? Oh my god. I traveled back and forth so much it must have altered the present! What if the machines have taken over? (close in) What if human and apes have switched places? (close in) What if all cops are judge, jury and executioner? (close in) What is Chris Tucker is a sci-fi radio announcer in a dress ? (extreme close in) What? WHAT?!?!?!
Future NC: Actual nothing’s different. Your wall’s just a bit of a different color.
NC: Really? That’s it? No other huge, mind boggling alterations at all?
Future NC: Nope. Just a different wall. Oh, that and you have a tail now.
NC: Well, that’ll take a little getting used to. Welcome to my new location. I hope you enjoy and as always: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to.
NC gets up a leaves, obvious though that there is no tail.
Channel Awesome Tag: You are tearing me apart, Lisa!