The Shining Mini-Series
October 01, 2013
(The opening of Nostalgia-Ween begins with a stop-motion segment of Jack Skellington dressed as the Nostalgia Critic as he runs through a forest and comes across the holiday trees of Christmas and Halloween. A third door stands between them with the Nostalgia Critic's face on it. Jack looks at the door with intrigue and opens it. Suddenly, someone holds a gun out and shoots him. The shooter reveals himself as Pennywise from It.)
Pennywise: Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah!
(Jack lies dead as the Nostalgia-Ween logo appears.)
(We then cut to a box being placed on a counter.)
NC: (wearing a red flannel shirt) Ah, I tell ya. Nothing like moving into a new place, doing some heavy lifting, stretching the muscles. Isn't it great, guys?
(Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz are nearby placing bigger boxes on the couch.)
Malcolm and Rachel: (unenthusiastically) Whee.
NC: (looking at himself in the mirror fixing his teeth) I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I mean, why keep filming all my stuff at home when I have a perfectly good location just waiting to be used?
Malcolm: Were we always filming at your house?
Rachel: Yeah, to be honest, it was actually really inconsistent where we were.
NC: What's important is that we have this fantastic location built on top of a harmless Indian burial ground that rests below the hulking remains of a burnt down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans...and vampire puppies. So why don't you guys get busy putting together those very heavy props while I figure out where to put this delightful Halloween ornament? (Said ornament is a puppy dressed as a pumpkin) Oh, and if you guys could place them in the order of my favorite props to my least favorite props, that'd be great.
(Malcolm and Rachel leave Critic behind as evidenced by the door closing. The ornament squeaks as Critic puts it down)
NC: Fine! Your loss! You don't get to take notes with me as I watch the highlight of any Nostalgia-Ween: the Stephen King mini-series!
(The Hallelujah chorus plays as we see an image with Stephen King's head photoshopped on an eagle next to the words "The Stephen King Mini-Series!" in front of fireworks and the American flag)
NC (vo): Yep. Nothing like celebrating the holidays by attacking a man who's done absolutely nothing to me and is making his living by entertaining others. Oh, we'll show him, won't we, Pennywise?
Pennywise: (from Stephen King's "IT") Oh, yes.
NC (vo): We all know he's had some classic stories, but he's also had some classic blunders. And nowhere are they more spotlighted than in the overly long and overly goofy miniseries. Only this time, the idea is not to get one of his ideas to the screen, it's rectifying a version that he's hated for years.
NC: That, of course, being The Shining.
(The title card for The Shining mini-series shows up)
NC (vo): Most are aware of the Stanley Kubrick adaptation, or as the Brits like to say, "Q-Brick". And for the most part, audiences seem to enjoy it. That is, of course, except for King. Yep, the guy who loved 2012 and Death Race couldn't stand the theatrical release of The Shining. So, what to do? Release his own version on TV in 1997 with a teleplay entirely written by him.
NC: It's sure to have some Kingly awkwardness and I'm here to take notes on it for my next review. So, what are we waiting for? Let's dive into the Wish You Overlooked Hotel with The Shining.
(The series starts)
NC (vo): So our story takes place... (The caption is shown to be "Sidewinder, Colorado") not in Maine? What the hell is going on here?!...as we open with Jack, played now by Steven Weber, being instructed how to handle the boiler room when he becomes the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. Oh, and I don't mean briefed. I mean, instructed with every single detail.
Pete Watson: This is your pressure gauge. It's got a safety valve. And this is your stop valve. So here's what you gotta do. This son of a buck has been rusted shut. No safety valve. Keep rated for 160. Every night, last thing.
NC (vo): You know, oddly enough, King, the inner workings of a water boiler described by Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) in the hopes that your obvious setup for the climax will seem less silly isn't as riveting as you think.
Pete: Well, yeah.
NC (vo): But at least he has some history to welcomely scare the shit out of the new housekeeper.
Pete: We had this lady here last summer. Slit her wrists. Then there was this last caretaker, Grady.
Jack: What about him?
Pete: Shotgun. Both barrels. (sticks two fingers in his mouth as if the barrels of a shotgun.)
NC: Jeesh. I hope you don't say this on all the hotel tours.
(We cut to a picture of the large kitchen)
NC (vo, imitating Pete): And over there is the kitchen where Old Mary McCrede cooked her husband. (Audience screams) Pipe down. He was delicious.
NC (vo): Jack then talks to the owner of the hotel, played by the shaking head of Elliot Gould.
Stuart Ullman: The board has decided to put an alcoholic less than a year away from his last drink in charge of one of the greatest resort hotels in America. May I be frank?
Jack: Oh, why stop now?
Stuart: It makes me sick!
NC (vo, imitating Stuart): Here are the keys! Enjoy your stay!
Jack: I'll not only be taking care of the Overlook, but I'll be taking care of myself and my family.
NC (vo): While Jack assures our mystery theater actor that he's no longer on the sauce, we see his boy and wife waiting eagerly at home, played by Courtland Mead and Rebecca De Mornay.
Wendy: Did your dad get the job?
Danny: Uh-huh. He and the man he talked to didn't like each other, but he got it.
Wendy: Are you sure?
NC (vo): That's right. In this version, the parents are totally aware that the kid is psychic, and the reaction is, "Eh." I guess when you get down to it, that is kind of a legit reaction. I mean, what's he have to look forward to? (cut to an image of a neon sign saying "Psychic Reader Open") An apartment with a neon sign on top of the Walgreens?
Danny: (playing with a toy airplane) Pilot to tower, pilot to tower, got to make an emergency landing. (Wendy looks outside at him through the window)
NC (vo): This makes Jack's wife, Wendy, think back--quite randomly the more I think about it--to that terrible night when her husband had been drinking too much. Or at least badly imitating a guy who's been drinking too much.
(In the flashback, Wendy slowly walks downstairs as Jack is heard yelling)
Jack: Look at this mess! Oh, here's the phone, and this is what I come back to? Answer me, you damn pup, or I'll fix you!
NC (imitating Jack): Slurred cliches and monotone anger! The only thing to make this more obvious is an empty bottle of... (Wendy holds up a bottle of alcohol) there we go!
Wendy: I don't believe you. What did you do to Danny?!? (Cut to Danny lying in bed with bandages on him) I'm never going to another emergency ward, Jack. (Cut to Wendy and Jack in bed) Thought you could stop on your own.
Jack: I was wrong.
Wendy: If anything ever happens again, I am packing my bags and I'm leaving.
Jack: You're right. It's gotta end. One way or the other.
NC (vo): (in monotone imitating Jack) As you can see, I'm really torn up about it. (normal) But his son, Danny, is having his own issues outside, as his imaginary friend Tony tries to communicate with him.
Tony: Danny! Danny! (cut to Tony who is just hovering in place) Hi, Doc.
NC (vo): Pfft, really? So, Tony all this time was an awkwardly hovering version of the Encyclopedia Britannica kid? I don't think anyone could have predicted that from the Kubrick version.
NC: I always thought it was a demonic rendition of the Frosted Flakes mascot.
(We see such an image of Tony the Tiger with demon horns, sharp teeth, and other things to make him look demonic)
Danny: What do you want?
NC (vo): But Tony shows him some scary images of what's to come, like...a killer hose!
(Said hose is done in bad CGI with fangs lunging towards the camera)
NC (vo): Wait, what?
(The killer hose is shown again. NC sighs)
NC (vo): You know, King, you have a talent for taking things that are very obviously not scary and...keeping them very obviously not scary. I mean, what are you going to do? Try to make croquet scary, too? (Danny sees a croquet mallet with blood on it in Jack's car) Oh, for God's sake, just because you put blood or teeth on something doesn't mean we're automatically gonna be frightened by it!
NC: I mean, can you think of an instance where you just took something random, you put blood or teeth on it and that instantly works--(The poster for the movie Teeth is shown)--D'AAHH, that was different!
NC (vo): It turns out the (sarcastic voice) horrifying croquet mallet was just another one of Danny's visions. Though Jack does seem to be struggling as he finds himself calling his AA sponsor, who loves reminding him of stuff that he apparently already knows.
Al Shockley: Well, you know what they say at the AA meetings, don't ya? (skip) You know what they say at the meetings, Jack.
NC: Well, if he knows, why are you telling him?
NC (vo): But it's still tempting for him as he finds himself drawn to local pubs like the Tavern Tavern.
(Jack looks into the window of the tavern as one of the patrons just turns in his stool and raises a toast to Jack)
NC (vo): (as the tavern patron) Here's to hoping randomly toasting people outside my window doesn't lead to ironic consequences. I'm benign. (normal, as we see the Torrances driving to the hotel) So they make their way to the hotel as they play their favorite driving game: What the Hell Did My Son Just Say?
Danny: Elmer Martin at daycare. (skip) It was a Donner-dinner. (skip) Am I the only one you ever met? (skip) Overlook's just a summertime hotel.
NC (vo): Of course, it doesn't help that his teeth look like someone Photoshopped Napoleon Dynamite's mouth onto it. (An audience boos)
NC: Well, he does! Funny-looking children have just as much a right to be made fun of as any other person--(cut to a picture of Doug Walker as a kid posing with one of the Disney chipmunks (Chip or Dale)) Hey, where'd you get that?!
NC (vo): They approach the hotel and everything for the most part seems pretty welcoming.
(As we see some of the topiary animals, we hear the theme from Edward Scissorhands playing)
NC (vo): Here, they come across Dick Hallorann.
Wendy: Nice to know you, Mr. Hallorann.
Dick: Dick, please. (telepathically communicates with Danny) Well, Doc, you gonna give me a hand or you just gonna stand there?
NC (vo): So Dick, of course, explains that Danny and him share the same psychic power that he refers to as the Shining, and that if he ever needs help, just to use his power to contact him.
Dick: There may be a half a dozen times I've seen things.
Danny: What were they, Dick?
NC (vo): Now, I, of course, am too sophisticated to make any jokes about a tiny little boy talking to a big black Dick, but for the record, I'd like to show you how many opportunities I had to make a joke.
Dick: Gimme a blast. (skip) You gonna come down to St. Pete with me. (skip) Nobody's gonna tell your daddy anything. (skip) Just look the other way and count to ten. (skip) I bet you just about glow in the damn dark. (skip) Just promise me you won't go in. (skip) This is between you and me.
Danny: What do you want me to think?
Dick: Anything as long as it's hard.
NC: I should get a medal for how many I'm avoiding.
(A door is shown closing on its own)
NC (vo): Oh, by the way, be scared, a door closed. (An audience screams in a fake tone) But that's not the important part. The real juicy stuff is we have a hotel to tour.
(Pete and Dick are shown guiding the family throughout the hotel)
Pete: Well, there's a pantry back there, there's a vegetable bin here.
NC (vo): And tour.
Pete: Dining room seats 200, used to seat almost twice that many.
NC (vo): And tour.
Dick: The elevator's the easiest way to the service area.
NC (vo; sounding bored): And tour.
Pete: That would be in one of the smaller freezers. You get to that through the pantry.
NC (vo): And tour.
Dick: The master bedroom, madame.
NC (vo): And--oh, my God, are you gonna show us every goddamn room!? How about some scary stuff?! I mean, aside from, by the way, the door closed. (An audience screams in a fake tone) I mean, we're over an hour in and the scariest thing we've come across is a hose and the Encyclopedia Brittanica guy! Tell me you're trying harder than this!
Pete: Gotta get movin'!
(He leaves, leaving Dick with the Torrance family)
NC (vo): Oh, thank God.
Dick: So you wanna see more of this place--
NC (vo): NOOOOOO! Jesus Christ, the boom mic in the reflection (An arrow pointing to the boom mic is shown) is more exciting to watch than this! I'm, at least, trying to make excuses about how it's a ghost mic or something. Hey, it's about as scary as a hose or the Encyclopedia Brittanica kid! Can't you give us something? (One of the benches on the porch starts to rock on its own) BETTER THAN THAT! But, finally, the guy gets going and they start looking after the place. (Jack is pulling the roof apart and discovers a wasp nest that starts stinging him) And he's already off to a bang-off start, as he accidentally comes upon a wasp nest and gets stung.
Danny: (holding the wasp nest) Can I keep it in my room, Mom?
Wendy: Do you think that's...?
Jack: It's fine, it's fine. They're all dead, guaranteed.
NC (vo): Hey, come on, I thought the only wasps we need were the three right in front of us. Oh, well, they're looking over a big, creepy, scary hotel. You know this'll lead to a lot of other scary possibilities. (The following scenes are shown as NC describes them) Like...bringing groceries into the hotel, putting them away, reading a children's book, putting that away, discussing the children's book immediately after they read it--really?
Wendy: You are doing so fantastic.
NC (vo): Well, finally, we do get some form of suspense when Danny locks himself in the bathroom. (Jack and Wendy break through the door, finding Danny staring up at the ceiling while drooling) Oh, no, another Miracle Whip binge!
Jack: Wake up now!
(Danny wakes up)
Danny: Tony was here! He was here!
Jack: There's no Tony! There's no imaginary pal who comes and shows you the future! Now will you stop that crap!?
(He ends up shaking Danny hard enough to make him hit his head on the toilet, making him cry out)
NC (vo): So, what are they gonna do after this bit of excitement? Talk about it, of course!
Jack: I just got scared because, um, I thought...you know what? I don't know what I thought.
NC: Oh, Jesus. DO SOMETHING! I mean, how far along are we again? (A caption pops up saying 1:15 Without Commercials) DO SOMETHING!
NC (vo): Okay, great, so they finally decide that Danny should go to a doctor, fair enough. (beat) But what kind of doctor should he go to?
(Cut to Jack and Wendy talking in bed)
Wendy: There's one Sidewinder that's supposed to be good. He's not a pediatrician, he's a GP, but--
NC (vo): Oh, my God, are you serious!? I filed taxes more exciting than this!
Wendy: You know what scares me?
NC (vo): Yeah, the idea that nothing scary will ever happen?
Wendy: Your anger.
(As NC speaks, we are shown an invisible ghost appearing downstairs and causing all sorts of chaos)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, Lord knows that's much more scary than the insane ghost downstairs constantly messing with your hotel! Yeah, literally! All sorts of weird stuff is going on downstairs and where are our caretakers? Finding out how many different ways they can say sorry!
Jack: Sorry. How many ways can I say it?
NC (vo): Oh, I don't know. I'm sure you'll film every one that comes to mind, though! I mean, seriously, are the ghosts just patiently waiting for them to notice what they're doing?
Wendy: I don't want this to be an angry place, Jack.
Ghosts: (voiced by NC) Uh, guys, you know we're doing a lot of creepy stuff down here. Turn the lights on and off, the jukebox, moving things. Pretty scary. Okay, uh, whenever you guys get a minute, feel free to come on down and take a look at it and, uh, maybe be terrified. If not, um, just have a good night, enjoy your conversation and, uh...yeah, good luck with your little problem there. Again, scary, very scary. Boo.
NC (vo): We do at last get a little bit more action as the wasp nest suddenly comes alive again.
(Danny is attacked by several wasps as Jack and Wendy come in and take Danny)
Wendy: You said it was safe, Jack! You said it was safe!
NC (vo): (A clip from a Mega Man game is shown) God, it's like those replenishing bees from the Mega Man games. They just never die!
(Clip from Linkara's review of Amazons Attack)
Linkara (vo): (as Batman) Bees. My god.
Danny: (crying) But you said the wasps were dead!
Jack: I know I did, honey. Stay here with Mommy, I'll be right back.
(Jack is shown doing the next things NC describes)
NC (vo): But, whoa, that was way too much excitement for Part 1. So let's level it out with the incredibly exciting actions of going to the kitchen, getting a container, trapping them in it, taking them outside, going into the living room, retrieving your camera, taking pictures of the wounds, and talking about how you can use this to possibly get some insurance money from it.
Jack: I think $5,000 a sting should do it, huh? Don't you think?
NC (vo): WHO CARES!?
NC: We're an hour and a half in! The other movie had (Clips from the Kubrick movie are shown) an elevator of blood, two scary girls, and...(The scene with the old man and the guy in the bear suit in one of the rooms is shown) whatever the fuck that was!
NC (vo): And aside from the ghosts once again closing the doors every once in a while, nothing creepy is happening at all!
NC: What's next? They're gonna terrifyingly tinker with the thermostat?
(A thermostat is shown going from 72 degrees to 71, followed by a scare chord)
NC (vo): So as we begin Part 2, which I'm sure a lot of people saw, seeing how Part 1 was so riveting, we finally see Danny goes to the doctor.
Doctor: How did Danny break his arm?
Wendy: His father did. Jack didn't mean to hurt him, but he was drunk.
NC: Didn't we go over this? The flashback, remember?
NC (vo): Drunken Christian Bale hurting his son, we saw all this!
NC: Why does this need to be repeated?
Doctor: So your family's mending?
Wendy: I think it is, doctor. We're trying to move on.
NC (vo): This moment of pointlessly long writing brought to you by (a picture of The Stand is put in) Stephen King. Helping young kids reach the top shelf for 40 years. (A picture of a little boy standing on a giant-sized copy of The Stand is shown) God, even when a setup for a scary moment happens, look what they do with it.
(A scared Danny is looking at a window as ghostly voices are heard)
Ghost voices: Danny. Join us. Danny.
Danny: Shut up! Do you hear me?! Just shut up!
(Wendy comes in)
Wendy: Danny! It's snowing! Take a look. It's snowing!
(The family comes outside to enjoy the snow)
NC (vo): Hey, thank God! Satan and his demon army can be dealt with later. It's snowing! Whee-hee-hee-hee! Tee-hee-hee! Bee-hee-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
NC: (Gets frustrated) God, I can't take this shit! (As he face palms in frustration, his phone rings and he picks it up) Yes?
(On the line is Rachel sitting in a car with Malcolm)
Rachel: Hey, Critic, we felt really bad about abandoning you while you were moving everything.
Malcolm: Yeah, you did. (He gets smacked for his sass) Ah!
Rachel: We were wondering if you wanted us to come back and help you out?
NC: (Suddenly channeling Jack Nicholson) Rachel, (Clears his throat) let me explain something to you. Whenever you call and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me, and it'll take time (squeezing his squeaky toy) to get back to where I was! You understand?
Rachel: What got into you? Aunt Flo in town?
NC: (Sighs) We're gonna make a new rule. Whenever you hear me typing like this... (Types on his laptop, putting the phone to it)
Rachel: How can I hear you typing if you're miles away?
NC: Oh, whether you don't hear me typing, whatever the fuck you hear me doing, when I am in here, I am working, and that means you don't call! Now you think you can handle that?
Rachel: I'd like to say you used to be so nice, but that wouldn't be correct.
NC: Why don't you start by getting the fuck out of here?
Rachel: Because I'm not in the same room with you.
NC: BEAT IT!
(He hangs up)
Malcolm: Good! No moving day. Let's go celebrate with some pumpkin tacos.
Rachel: The Shining.
Rachel: The Shining, the movie. Where Jack Nicholson goes crazy?
Malcolm: You'll have to be a little more specific.
Rachel: Kubrick movie. I think he's gone crazy and is reenacting the Kubrick movie. We have to do something before he goes too far!
Malcolm: Oh, hell, no, I'm not doing that!
Malcolm: Do you know what happens to the black guy in that movie?
Malcolm: What happens to ALL black guys in scary movies?
Malcolm: Well, let's just say it doesn't end well.
Rachel: Well, let's just say if something happens to the Critic, then we're out of a job!
Malcolm: I wanted to try the Pumpkin Burger from McDonald's!
Malcolm: Fine. But if they're out of Pumpkin McNuggets, I'm blaming you.
(And we go to commercial. When we come back, we see the family still playing in the snow)
NC (vo): So I know you're all blown away with that snow scene, but, sad to say, some actual suspense seems to enter the picture, when Danny is tempted to go into Room 217, which he has been forbidden to go in.
(As Danny walks to the door, Tony appears)
Tony: Doc! What are you doing here, Doc?
Danny: They're like pictures in a book.
Tony: Doc, if you give them the chance to become more than that--
Danny: I can go in here if I want to. Go away. Leave me alone.
(Danny closes his eyes and when he opens them, Tony disappears)
Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): Oh, good. To find out how you can own the new Encyclopedia Britannica...
(A fire hose lunges out to Danny)
Danny: Tony! Where are you? Help me!
Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): I was talking to the people at home.
(The hose lies motionless)
Danny: Just a hose. Stupid.
(The hose comes back to life as Danny runs away, then we see pictures of an Encyclopedia Britannica set with the phone number 1-800-235-1500)
Encyclopedia Britannica Announcer (vo): Just call this number and we'll send you this free booklet.
(Danny walks into an office, where Jack comes in)
Jack: Danny. What are you doing?
Danny: Nothing, Daddy.
Jack: "Nothing, Daddy." What are you doing in Mr. Ullman's office?
NC (vo): Oddly enough, most of the transition of Jack turning crazy is done surprisingly pretty flowingly, that is except for this one moment where I think a page was out of place or something because, suddenly, he's in full nut mode with no lead-in at all.
Jack: What have you got behind your back?
Danny: Nothing, Daddy.
Jack: Nothing, honey? (Danny gives Jack the room key) You're not supposed to go into any of the guest rooms! (skip) What should we do about a little boy who cannot keep to the rules?
Danny: Daddy, I didn't go on the--
Jack: Men... f-follow the rules.
NC: (imitating Jack) They also say their "f"s v-very diff-fficultly-ly.
(Cut to Jack and Wendy talking in the living room)
NC (vo): Oh, and just when you thought this movie couldn't get any more drawn out, any more boring, any more tediously long-winded, we get a 12-minute conversation about their marriage without any scares, any action, or any suspense whatsoever.
Wendy: What has happened to us, Jack?
Jack: Please, please try to bear with me.
Wendy: I hate this place now.
Jack: I'm just interested in the papers I found down the cellar.
Wendy: Is stress the reason you don't want to make love to me anymore?
NC (vo): ENTERTAAAAIIIIN!!! ENTERTAAAAIIIIN!!!
Wendy: We didn't have much back in Boulder, but we were pretty happy.
Jack: I know how much I bitch things up for myself.
Wendy: I'm not talking about the guest room.
Jack: You won't be sorry.
(Cut to NC with an angry, almost possessed face, similar to Jack's in the Kubrick film)
Jack: I do. The booze, my temper, George Hatfield. (skip) Your husband lost his last chance because his son sees things sometimes?!
Wendy: That is so unfair and you know it!
Jack: The situation is unfair!
NC: Derob... Derob...
(Cut to Jack walking outside in the snow, seeing several of the animal talpories)
NC (vo): So after that terrifying bit of horror, we finally get to where the real scary shit lies in all this, the real terrifying heart that it's all been building up to: the plants don't have snow on them anymore!
(We see a clip of the foaming mouth guy from the Avatar: the Last Airbender)
NC (vo): Oh, and you know what's even scarier? Having them be totally still while playing animal sound effects over them.
(Jack starts to run away from the animal topiaries as animal sound effects play in the background)
NC (vo): Jesus Christ, I'm gonna piss myself!
(Jack stands up and turns around to see the topiaries have snow on them again)
NC (vo, imitating Jack): Ooh, I'm gonna write a Doctor Who episode about this! (NC then mimics Curly's whoop-whoop sounds from The Three Stooges)
NC (vo): And, because breaking in the first time went so well, Danny decides maybe doing it again will turn out even better consequences. And, wouldn't you know it, something actually a touch scary does occur here.
(Danny pulls back a shower curtain to reveal a decaying woman in a tub of dirty water)
NC (vo): Josh Holloway? So that's where you went after Lost.
Woman: Hello, Danny.
(Danny runs out of the room screaming and goes into the hall)
NC (vo, deep voice): Knock-knock. (as Danny) Who's there? (deep voice again as two arms reach out and pull Danny back into the room) ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER!
NC (vo): When the parents come across him, they notice he's not his usual cryptic self, but rather a more unusual cryptic self.
(Danny has bite marks all over him)
NC (vo): Hey, Danny, way to get to first base!
Wendy: You bastard!
Jack: Wait, I never...
Wendy: Danny. (Skip) If you so much as lay a finger on him again, I will wait until you're asleep and I will kill you.
NC (vo): Of course, she figures out it wasn't Jack and asks him to go figure out who did it... (beat) after five minutes of talking about it, of course!
Danny: We have to get out of here.
(NC takes off his glasses and rubs his face in disbelief)
Jack: What are you talking about?
Danny: This place was bad. Everything bad that happened here is still here.
NC (vo): Stop talking about it and just show us what's fucking scary!!!
Danny: But if we don't go soon, we might not be able to go at all.
(The screen starts to fade to black)
NC (vo): Oh, look! A commercial! I do hope they're still talking when they come back from it!
(After the break, we cut back to the kitchen where the conversation is still going)
NC (vo): And they are. WHAT THE HELL?! Are you fucking serious?! The conversation was so long that it literally needed a commercial break?!
NC: Look, in books, I know stories are carried through a lot of dialogue and obviously a lot of words. That's the medium. But film is a visual medium. Show, don't tell!
(Clips of Georges Melies' Voyage to the Moon is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, by God, imagine if Georges Méliès, instead of showing his Voyage to the Moon, just talked about it the whole time!
(Cut to a picture of Méliès that is captioned, "Georges Méliès Speaks of His Underwhelming Sounding Idea")
NC (vo, as Méliès): So they got in this very flat, strange-looking device that kind of looked like a penis and launched it into the moon. Oh, the moon, by the way, has a face on it, and it actually hits the face in the eye. Ho, ho! This would be rather unbelievable if we were to see this visually, but...nah!
(Cut to NC with an angry, possessed face again, even more disturbed)
NC: Derob! Derob!
NC (vo): So Jack decides to go up there and carve himself a witch.
(Jack grabs a croquet mallet from behind the banister)
NC (vo, imitating Jack): Say, this looks like the most intimidating weapon around here.
(Jack pulls back the shower curtain to find the tub empty. Suddenly, the door to the medicine cabinet opens)
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, because you've already closed a door 186 times, maybe the 187th will catch us off-guard.
(Jack re-enters the bathroom to find that something is in the tub this time)
NC (vo): All right, let's get some exciting, scary and... (Jack bolts out of the room) or run away like a pussy.
(Jack catches his breath in the hall)
NC (vo): Well, that's enough stuff for this scene. Let's go back to more talking!
(Cut to the Torrance family in the living room)
Wendy: Did you break the CB?
Jack: It wasn't broken when you were in there?
NC (vo): RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
NC: Why would you hint at the scary thing we already saw?! You showed it! You showed it in close-up! You showed it far away! You showed it at every angle imaginable! Okay, not every angle. You know, (pushing up at his chest) ha-ha, TV. But at the same time, we know what it looks like! We know what's scary about it! So why would keeping it in the shadows scare us when we know exactly what's in there?! WHY?!?! (NC hangs his head down in frustration) I need a drink.
(NC walks off screen and we suddenly find ourselves in a bar)
NC: God, I need a drink. I'd sell my goddamn soul for just a shot of Cupcake Vodka. (NC starts to channel Nicholson again as he talks to the bartender who, apparently, has just arrived) Why, hello there. Kind of dead tonight, isn't it?
(NC starts to laugh as we see that the bartender is Dominic from Video Game Confessions)
Dominic: Yes, it is, Mr. Critic. What'll it be?
NC: Well, I'm so glad you asked me that. It turns out I have a lot of lost time to make up for, and it's all on account of this miniseries, and I tell ya, it keeps getting worse.
Dominic: Do tell, Mr. Critic. Do tell.
NC: For example, Jack pretends he doesn't see...
(Cut back to the living room scene)
NC (vo): ...anything as tensions start to rise.
Jack: I've got to pump the boiler!
Wendy: Look at your son! Can't you see the bruises on his neck? Are you blind?!
Danny: Stop it!
NC (vo, imitating Danny): I wanna overact, too!
Jack: We'll talk about it later!
(Cut to Jack and Wendy at a snow scooter shed)
NC (vo): So Jack goes and smashes the radio as well as the snow scooter and pretends like he doesn't know what's going on, resulting in a six minute conversation about how they're stuck.
Wendy: We could learn as we go, Jack.
Jack: Baby, we could listen to the weather, and we can pick a time when they're calling for three or four days without snow.
Jack: And if the forecast is wrong...
NC (vo): Fuck the conversation. You can say this in four words. "We're stuck!" "Oh, nutbunnies!" Why is this so hard?! But things get suspenseful, I guess, when the hedge sculptures start to come to life.
(The horribly made CGI topiaries slowly start to walk towards Danny playing in the snow)
NC (vo): Wow. Not since The Happening have I been so not afraid of plant life. I'm so glad the CG artist from The Langoliers still got work. Things get even more hectic when one of the rooms locks Wendy inside. Why? I mean, what's the point when you really think about it? Even if they do catch up to him, what are they going to do? Give him poison ivy?
(Wendy breaks the window of the door to unlock it, and while running down the hall, she trips over the baseball she threw)
NC (vo, as the ghosts): Oh, hey, that wasn't us. You're just a clumsy clod.
(The topiaries start to close in as Wendy and Jack rush to check on Danny)
NC (vo): And, once again, what is this all building up to?
Danny: Hi, Mom!
(We see that the topiaries are gone)
NC (vo): Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!
Jack: You're... you're jumping at shadows, babe.
(We cut back to NC at the bar)
NC: You know, some people like the first film version of The Shining, some don't, and I can understand either. But at the very least, you have to acknowledge it created a surreal, scary environment. And as soon as this version started, it was clear it was much more interested in talking about that scary world than it was actually showing it. And that was three GODDAMN HOURS AGO! So...
Dominic: Oy, that sounds like a pain.
NC: (takes a sip of his drink) You know it's funny, Dominic. I didn't think this location had any alcohol, let alone a bar.
Dominic: It doesn't. You've just been hallucinating. In fact, you've been drinking toilet water for the past five minutes.
(NC's eyes go wide and he finds himself in the bathroom, spitting out his drink and scrubbing his tongue! The car's heard pulling in as Rachel comes in)
Rachel: Critic? Critic.
(Malcolm comes in wearing a suit of armor)
Malcolm: (whispering) Do you see him anywhere?
Rachel: Would you take that off?
Malcolm: No! I'm not getting killed by a D-List Internet celebrity!
Rachel: Look, there's his laptop. Maybe we can see what he's been working on.
(The first line is "All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit." Afterwards, that's all it's filled with as Rachel and Malcolm recoil in horror, both of them sobbing before seeing something else)
(The computer now says "You know...I could go for some Pumpkin Tacos...")
(The computer says "Eh, fuck it.", then goes back to being several lines of "All talk and no scares makes mini-series dull shit." Malcolm and Rachel start crying again until NC comes up behind them)
NC: How do you like it?
Malcolm and Rachel: Aaah!
(NC, by now, has completely turned into Jack Nicholson's turn as Jack Torrance)
NC: What are you doing down here?
Malcolm: No! I still have so much more pumpkin shit to try!
(He runs past NC and jumps out the window)
Cabbage Merchant: My cabbages!
(Rachel, crying all the while, picks up a baseball bat)
Rachel: I...I just wanted to ask about what we should do about The Shining!
NC: Okay. What should be done about The Shining?
Rachel: I don't know!
NC: I don't think that's true. I think you have some very definite ideas about what should be done about The Shining, and I would like to know what they are!
Rachel: I just think that if you could find something good in it, then you'll feel better!
NC: (mocking Rachel) "If you find something good, you'll feel better!" (normal) There is nothing good about it!
Rachel: There has to be something that King did better than Kubrick!
NC: Have you ever seen a miniseries without a single solitary moment of entertainment in it?
Rachel: Stay back! You're letting your love of the old one get in the way! We're not even satirizing the new one anymore! We're satirizing the old one!
NC: That's because the new one sucks, and there is nothing to satirize! (Laughs)
Rachel: There has to be something good!
NC: Gimme the bat, Rachel.
Rachel: Stay away!
NC: Gimme the bat.
Rachel: Stay back!
NC: (Mimics Christian Bale's Batman) Rachel! (flicking his tongue) Give me the bat.
Rachel: (suddenly calm) Okay. (And she throws the bat in the room behind her)
NC: Ha-ha, you just made your biggest mistake! (He just realizes he fell for a trap and turns around) Uh, hey...(Rachel's closed the door on him. NC puts his head onto the door) Open the door!
Rachel: Now you stay in there until you find something positive to say, mister.
Rachel: Well, find something!
(Malcolm comes back)
Malcolm: Are we good?
Rachel: Yeah, no thanks to you.
Malcolm: Well, don't mention it.
NC: Hey, guys, I forgot to mention. You're not going anywhere. Hahahahaha! Go check out the car and see what I'm talking about. (Malcolm walks away) Hahahahahaha! Go check it out! Hahahahahah! (Smacks the door) Go check it out! Hahahaha!
(Rachel gets scared again, until Malcolm comes back)
Malcolm: Car's fine.
Rachel: (normal) Oh, really?
Malcolm: Yeah, looks like all he emptied was the windshield wiper fluid.
NC: Good luck driving without dirt debris all over your windows! Hahahahahaha!
Malcolm: You know what this calls for? Pumpkin sauerkraut.
Rachel: Ooh, I'm in.
(The two leave NC gibbering like a madman before he realizes the camera's on him)
NC: Well, seeing while I'm here...
(We go back to the miniseries)
NC (vo): We get another scene that seems to go nowhere. They see the elevator has been moving on its own and Wendy climbs in and finds party masks and confetti. Ooh, is the elevator gonna drop or start moving so they have to pull her out in a suspenseful scene? Nope. It just stands there.
NC: By God, a scary scene was practically gift-wrapped for you by the horror gods, and you didn't take advantage of it?
(Cut to a Photoshopped image of The Three Stooges looking at a table full of pies)
NC (vo): That's like the Three Stooges looking at a pie lineup and saying (The Stooges then shrug their shoulders) "What are we supposed to do about these?"
NC: SCARE ME, YOU FUCKING MASTER OF HORROR AND SUSPENSE! SCARE ME!!!
(Danny sees some writing on the wall in blood)
NC (vo): So Danny see the ghosts are apparently dyslexic and this finally convinces him to contact Dick. Oh, yeah, a dead woman gnawing at your neck is okay, but bad grammar on the wall? Now that shit needs reinforcements. And just to pour more salt in the wound, he actually passes by an entertaining horror director, Sam Raimi, in a very bizarre cameo.
(Dick prepares to leave in his snowmobile as Howie (Sam Raimi) watches)
Dick: I love ya, Howie. You're one MFA!
Dick: Mighty Fine American.
(Dick then drives off)
NC (vo): No, please! Follow him! Throw in a flying eye, a disembodied hand, a talking head! The scares in this movie are so fucking weak! I wouldn't be shocked if the next thing to scare us was a guy in a bad Halloween mask!
(And just like he said, someone wearing an unconvincing werewolf mask jumps out in front of Danny as Critic bangs his head on the door)
Danny: Let me by!
Rover: No way! No one gets past Rover!
NC (vo): Three hours of build-up, guys, and this is what it's been amounting to. Was it worth it? But we do start getting some payoff with the ghosts at least, as they make themselves more and more visible to Jack.
(Jack looks at the mirror at the bar and sees people behind him. When he turns around, no one's there)
NC (vo): (as Jack) Oh, my God, I have antlers! (Sees there's no one there) Oh, phew. That would be about as silly as a guy in a Wolfman mask. (normal) But more ghosts start to become visible, including Mr. Grady, as they all start to liquor up Jack to make him more susceptible to their suggestions, family killing suggestions, to be exact.
Grady: Well, you might want to take that up with your son. He's crossed you at almost every turn. He must be corrected, sir. He and your wife both.
NC (vo): We also see the scariest part of any Stephen King miniseries: Stephen King. (We see Stephen King as the bandmaster performing with a band) Give him some credit, though, at least it looks like he's having fun in all this. (Jack jumps out from behind the bar strangling Wendy) But we have no time for conducting beardless Judge Itos. We got some crazy Jack-drinking Jack to exploit, as he tries attacking Wendy, but she fights him off by lightly tapping him with a breakable prop.
(Wendy smashes a bottle over Jack's head, knocking him out)
NC (vo): Well, you know what this calls for, right? More goddamn talking!
(Danny comes in)
Danny: Sometimes he wasn't talking to himself--
NC: Skip it!
(The scene fast forwards)
NC (vo): Wendy and Danny drag him into the kitchen to lock him up.
(Wendy and Danny are dragging Jack by his feet)
NC (vo): (as Wendy) You know, son, we never do projects anymore. This is nice. (normal) But not only do the ghosts let him out, but they also start attacking the rest of the family with...
(Firecrackers pop while confetti and streamers fall on Wendy)
NC (vo): Huh. Well, it's good to know Stephen King has moved on (scene from It) from balloons (back to movie) to the terrifying realms of confetti. Hey, watch out. Those look like real streamers!
Wendy: Stop it! God! Stop it!
(She drops the knife she was carrying, not seeing that a now-fully insane Jack's creeped up on her from behind)
NC (vo): (as Jack) He-he. Uh, hello. Turn around. Creepy guy here. (Wendy turns to see Jack) Hey!
Jack: That's what I've been missing.
(Jack swings at her with the croquet mallet)
NC (vo; sighs): Croquet is still not scary! What is your deal?
Jack: Now, by God, you are going to take your medicine.
NC (vo): (as Jack) For I am king of the nine widget diamond formation!
(Wendy rolls out of the way, then she smacks Jack's hand with the upper door)
NC (vo): (as Jack) Come on, I look silly enough carrying this thing. You don't need to make it funnier! (normal) But Wendy's done playing Whack-A-De Mornay as she slams him in the face with a ball. (Jack gets up from the floor, blood coming out of his face) And yet, somehow, quite miraculously, both these two seem to keep moving. Don't you think they'd be down for the count by this point?
(Jack is pulling at Wendy from a hole in the door, until Mr. Grady appears)
Grady: Mr. Torrance. Halloran's coming. You better take care of this, Mr. Torrence.
Jack: (Turning to Wendy, smiling) Stay close, darling. I'll be back.
NC (vo): (as Jack) See? I quoted an Arnold [Schwarzenegger] movie instead of [Johnny] Carson to shake things up a bit. By the way, I hate lamps and TVs! (Jack destroys a lamp and a television) Just wanted to throw that out there.
(Jack confronts Dick, who has just come in)
Jack: Congratulations, Dick!
Wendy: Dick, watch out!
Jack: And here's your prize!
(Jack smacks Dick with the hammer, knocking him to the floor as Wendy watches)
Jack: No, I don't think so.
(Jack hits Dick with the hammer again)
NC (vo): You see what I'm talking about? It's not exactly inflicting spine-tingling terror when you do this with a croquet mallet instead of an axe. (A scene from The Mask is shown) I get more Jim Carrey smashing that clock in The Mask than I do something scary. (Back to the scene) Just add a cartoon sound effect to make it complete.
(Various cartoon sounds are added in to the scene before ending on "home")
NC: Ha-ha, still a classic.
NC (vo): Yeah, things are about as laughably silly with Danny. Just look at how Tony tries to show him the boiler room is about to blow.
(Danny opens the door and falls down a pit with the Goofy yell dubbed)
Danny: It's the boiler! My daddy forgot to pump the boiler!
NC (vo): But Danny does find out and manages to tell his father, who seems to be struggling back and forth between loving his son and...(picture of Evil Ed) turning into an Evil Ed knockoff.
Jack: What...could a worthless little pup like you know?
Danny: That my daddy hasn't pumped the boiler pressure today.
(Jack, hearing those words, snaps out of his evil persona and runs towards the boiler room)
NC (vo): (as Jack) Foiled by incompetent maintenance! (normal) Danny and Wendy manage to wake up Dick and they make their way out, resulting in Jack sacrificing himself by blowing up the house. Because...as we all know, explosions can apparently kill ghosts.
(Clip of Ghostbusters is shown)
Ray: Total protonic reversal.
(The hotel proceeds to blow up, killing Jack inside it)
Danny: Goodbye, Daddy.
(A clip from Darkman, showing an explosion with a person flying out of it, is shown)
NC (vo): (as Jack) Goodbyyyyee!
(Danny, Wendy and Dick drive away from the burning hotel)
NC (vo): And what's the only way we can wrap up 237 minutes of boredom? (It's now 10 years later at Danny's high school graduation) A goddamn graduation ceremony! Because we weren't bored enough! GOOOOOOOD!
NC: Derob! Derob! (He puts a whiteboard against the wall and writes into it) Derob! Derob! Derob! DEROOOOOB!
(Rachel opens the door and sees "Derob" on the board, but in the mirror, it says "I am in no way entertained by this mini-series and I do not particularly care for it whatsoever." She looks back at the "Derob" board, then back to the mirror)
Rachel: Hm. Who knew?
(NC, screaming, tries to attack Rachel, but Rachel sidesteps out of the way of NC and runs into the room she was in, picking up the bat and locking the door)
NC: What is this, musical rooms? Open the door!
Rachel: Not until you de-crazy yourself!
(NC kicks the door and cries out in pain)
NC: There's gotta be something I can get this open with! (He spots a toy hammer in a box, then smiles as he takes it) Well, if it's scary enough for Stephen King, it's scary enough for me!
(Rachel cowers in the corner as NC jiggles the knob, then knocks on the door)
NC: (Once again channelling Jack Nicholson) Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. (Rachel just sobs) Not by the hair on your chinny chin-chin? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!
(NC begins banging on the door with the toy hammer. Rachel screams with each smack of the hammer which squeaks. Eventually, NC stops banging on the door and speaks normally)
NC: You know, this really isn't working. Uh, why don't you just open up the door?
Rachel: Not until you find something positive about the miniseries. It'll clear your head.
NC: There is nothing positive about it! And somebody has to pay for it! Somebody has to pay--
(A thump is heard. Turning around, NC sees Malcolm with orange dip in his hands)
Malcolm: Pumpkin guacamole?
(NC screams and then chases after Malcolm)
Rachel: Critic? (She opens the door and comes out) Hello?
(She looks on the TV to see one last scene of the miniseries. During his graduation, Danny sees Jack's ghost watching him)
Jack: Hey, Doc. Good job, Doc. I love you.
(Watching Jack's last scene in the miniseries causes Rachel to realize something)
Rachel: That's it.
(Meanwhile, NC is chasing Malcolm through a forest, limping like Nicholson in the Kubrick version, yelling at him the whole way)
NC: Malcolm! You know you have to die! It's the law of every scary movie!
Malcolm: What about that guy from Event Horizon? He lived!
Malcolm: Well, how about that chick from Alien vs. Predator?
NC: Was she black? I don't really remember!
Malcolm: I'm pretty sure she was!
NC: That chick was awesome!
Malcolm: Why do so many people hate that movie?
NC: I think it's seriously under-appreciated as movie crossovers go! I mean, it's no Avengers, but it was still pretty damn decent!
(Malcolm stops running and crouches down)
Malcolm: Okay, I thought I'd never have to use this.
(He takes out a box that says "Use in case of crazy white person!")
NC: Malcolm! I'm coming! (He sees something) Ah, what have we here? (Normal voice) Excuse me, sir. (It turns out to be Malcolm in white face and a blonde wig reading a book and holding an iPod) I was wondering if you saw a, uh, black person come through here.
Malcolm: (White guy mode) Why, no, good sir! I was just walking through, reading my James Patterson novel and listening to (Miley Cyrus's) Wrecking Ball.
NC: That's a good song.
Malcolm: Of course it is.
Rachel: Hey, Nostalgia Critic, random white person, I found out something the miniseries did better than the movie.
NC: What? What could that possibly be?
Rachel: Jack's character.
Malcolm: For shnizzle?
(Clips of Jack Nicholson in the Kubrick version are shown)
Rachel (vo): Jack in the first Shining was just playing, well, Jack. It's just another Nicholson role that could be switched out with any other. (Clips of the miniseries) But King's version had a very complex, interesting three-dimensional character that shows step by step what he's going through and why he's going through it.
NC: But it's not scary!
Rachel: Just because it's not scary doesn't mean it's not good. I mean, look at Nicholson.
(Shots of Nicholson are shown)
Rachel (vo): That man was born to be scary. Even in the scenes where he's trying to be normal, he's still scary, but (back to the miniseries) in this version, you actually feel sorry for the character, and see the natural progression of his tragic story.
NC: Hey, that man played a very emotional, very complex, very dramatic--you're right, it's just another Nicholson performance. (Becomes stunned) So...wow. King...actually did something better than Kubrick?
(Footage from the miniseries plays out as NC gives his closing thought)
NC (vo): I mean, the rest of this series is boring, clichéd, not the least bit frightening, but...at the very least, he did explain his main character much better than the Kubrick film did. And Steve Weber did a good job bringing that emotion of a normal guy being tormented to the screen. Despite all its other faults, that part was actually pretty well done.
NC: Even if it was just one element, King did manage to do something better than Kubrick, one of my heroes.
(NC then staggers off)
Rachel: Critic, are...are you okay?
NC: No, it's cool. I just...need to...sit down and...think things over...for a little bit.
(He sits down on the ground. We then suddenly cut to NC now frozen like Jack is in the Kubrick version. Malcolm and Rachel look over him)
Rachel: What's wrong with him?
Malcolm: I don't know. I guess the idea of Stephen King doing something better than Stanley Kubrick was too much for him to take. Huh. Well, it's been a long day. Let's see what else we can find that has pumpkin in it.
Rachel: Oh, well, that's perfect, because I found this website (taking out her phone) called PumpkinPorn.com.
Rachel: Everything pumpkin related.
(The two stand up and leave)
Malcolm: Ooh, pumpkin hot pocket.
Rachel: Yes, pumpkin onion rings.
Malcolm: Pumpkin tortilla.
Rachel: Pumpkin meatloaf.
Malcolm: Pumpkin 2% milk.
Rachel: Pumpkin condoms?
Malcolm: Pumpkin bread.
Rachel: That's weird.
(We zoom in on NC's frozen face as it transitions into a picture room, especially to one larger picture that says "Weird Symbolic Picture to Confuse You". NC's in his usual clothes and is smiling as the camera pans up to him. Throughout the scene, the song "Ain't We Got Fun" plays)
NC: (suddenly unfreezing) I don't care if it doesn't make any sense. At least it's scary.
(As NC freezes again, we go to credits)
(Channel Awesome logo)
Danny: What do you want me to think?
Dick: Anything as long as it's hard.