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That Guy Riffs - The Snob

Written by Doug Walker, Rob Walker, and Brad Jones (The Cinema Snob)

Performed by Doug Walker and Brad Jones

(That Guy Riffs title card)

Doug: Good evening, and welcome to That Guy Riffs. Today, Brad Jones joins the riffing, as they take a look at a short film that’s about, appropriately enough, snobs. Sit back and enjoy. (smacks lips creepily)

(Title Card: A Young America Production presented by McGraw-Hill Book Company)

Doug: Quick Draw McGraw here! I’m here to talk about ostracizing others in the name of conformity!

(Title Card: Discussion Problems in Group Living)

Brad: Discussion problems in group living, like “why is Joan Rivers eyeing the title card?”

(Title Card: The Snob)

Doug: The Brad Jones Story!

Brad: How you, too, can make a living reviewing porn.

(Fade in. Exterior shot of a house where teens are having a party.)

Brad: I can’t wait till the fifties ends so we can invent real dancing.

(Camera cuts to, and zooms in on, a teen girl doing homework in her bedroom.)

Brad: Ah, Peeping Rob Petrie sees Laura for the first time.

Sarah: Expression X to the ninth minus three...

Doug: (as Sarah) Therefore, A equals “I need a boyfriend”!

(Annoyed by the noise of the party, Sarah gets up and shuts her bedroom window.)

Doug: (as Sarah) Eh, lousy Young Republicans rally!

Brad: I wish those Mormons would shut up.

(Sarah sits back down and continues writing.)

Doug: (as Sarah) By the time you read this, I will be gone, having plummeted off the Winter River Bridge.

(There is a knock on Sarah’s door.)

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Are you doing math in there?

Brad: (as Sarah) No!

Doug: (as Sarah’s mom) Are you planning to commit suicide?

Brad: (as Sarah) Maybe!

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Good! As long as it’s not math.

(Sarah’s mom enters the room.)

Sarah: Hi, Mom.

Sarah’s Mom: Hi!

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Got any whiskey?

Sarah’s Mom: Still working so late? On Friday night?

Brad: (as Sarah's mom) You’re a loser!

Sarah: This is my last algebra problem. I’ll save my history until tomorrow.

Sarah’s Mom: Sarah.

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Your father and I want to have sex! Do I need to spell it out anymore?

Sarah’s Mom: Your father and I appreciate the fact that you take your schoolwork seriously.

Doug: (as Sarah) Schoolwork?

Sarah’s Mom: But, well, couldn’t you manage to arrange your time so you can have a little fun, too?

Brad: (as Sarah's mom) You know, put out.

Sarah: I have a certain amount of homework to do, and I like to get it done on time.

Sarah’s Mom: But you have the whole weekend!

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Sleep with something!

Sarah’s Mom: You could go out on Friday night, or have somebody in, or...

Sarah: (indicating the party next door) Like them? Is that what you mean?

Sarah’s Mom: Having a good time is all I mean.

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) I will live my life through you!

Sarah’s Mom: And that’s why I talked to Ron’s mother the other day --

Sarah: You didn’t! I suppose you fixed it so he’d have to invite me over.

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) If by fixed you mean bribed.

Sarah’s Mom: I would have, if it had been necessary. But I found out that those Friday night get-togethers are open houses! You could go.

Brad: (as Sarah's mom) I’ll provide the Billy Beer.

Sarah: I know I could, if I wanted to. I don’t.

Sarah’s Mom: I think you should go. You’re only young once.

Sarah: Mother!

Brad: You’re only gonna look forty at seventeen once!

Sarah: There’s nobody over there I want to see.

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) There’ll be algebra there! Lots of algebra!

Sarah: I think I’d better finish my algebra.

Brad: (as Sarah's mom) Just remember, X equals “lonely old cat lady”.

Sarah’s Mom: We’ll talk about this some other time. (turns to leave, then turns back as if to say something, but just shrugs her shoulders and leaves)

Doug: (as Sarah's mom) Oh, and you know what?...ehh, I got nothing. (pause, then as Sarah) Dear Mr. Disney, I think Cubby may have touched me inappropriately. Please alert the other Mouseketeers.

Brad: (as Sarah) P.S. I think Donald is a Nazi.

(Cut to exterior shot of the party house, as the guests are leaving.)

Brad: All right, we’re here to record our new hit single, “Wonder Bread”! (pause) Why do they have an entire wall made out of Rubik’s Cubes?

Doug: Hey, maybe we could find out what’s going on INSIDE THE BUILDING!

(Cut to interior)

Ron’s Mom: Your friends are certainly a nice bunch, Ron.

Ron: Yeah, they’re the greatest.

Doug: (as Ron) Whoever they were.

Ron’s Mom: Do you suppose they’d like to help you do something really nice?

Ron: Well, what do you mean, Ma?

Ron’s Mom: Well, how about being more friendly to Sarah Inman?

Ron: Sarah Inman? Oh, Mom!

Brad: (as Ron) She’s a whore!

Ron’s Mom: No, really, dear, I mean it! You could invite Sarah over here next Friday to join us.

Ron: Ask Sarah to come over here? Well, gee whiz, why?

Doug: (as Ron’s mom) Don’t you dare use that language!

Ron’s Mom: Why, don’t you want her to come?

Ron: No!

Brad: Ha. Ron Howard’s first attempt at a comb-over.

Ron: (scoffs) Sarah Inman.

Ron’s Mom: Now, Ron, you know we’ve always said that all of your friends are welcome here at any time.

Doug: (as Ron’s mom) Except the darkies.

Ron: Oh, I know, Mom, but, well, the idea just kind of grew. We’ve got a large game room, well-stocked refrigerator, and lots of good records.

Brad: (as Ron) Plenty of booze!

Doug: (as Ron’s mom) Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. Where is all my booze?

Ron: Nobody needed to be asked, but Sarah never came. She’s too high hat for that. She wants a special invitation, and if she gets it, it’ll be just one more reason for her to think she’s better than anyone else.

(During the above line, Doug and Brad growl like dogs.)

Ron’s Mom: Now look here, Ron. Years ago, when you had rheumatic fever, don’t you remember who it was who came over here every day and read to you by the hour?

Doug: (as Ron’s mom) ‘Cause I don’t.

Ron: Sure, Mom, but, well, she’s changed since then!

Ron’s Mom: Oh no, Ron, I don’t think she’s really changed!

Brad: (as Ron’s mom) She’s still flat.

Ron’s Mom: Why don’t you give her a chance?

Ron: Well...

Doug: (as Ron) Mm, no.

Ron: She was good to me once.

Doug: HEY NOW!

Brad: Now she’s experienced!

Ron: I guess I could ask her to honor us with her presence.

Doug: (as Ron) Let me move my bong here.

Ron: I’ll call her tomorrow.

Ron’s Mom: Thanks, son.

Doug: (as Ron’s mom) Now, about your genital warts...

Brad: (as Ron) MOM!

Ron’s Mom: You know, growing up brings different problems to different people. And some, well, they just don’t quite bring it off without falling down somewhere.

Brad: Sometimes you don’t feel your freshest.

Ron: If you ask me, where Sarah fell down is when she went to junior high.

Doug: (as Ron) 'Course, she had a penis then.

Ron: When she was in grade school, she was swell. She made good grades and had lots of friends. But when she started going to junior high with lots of other sharp kids...

Doug: (as Ron) She was less swell.

Ron: Now she’s in senior high, and...oh!

Brad: (as Ron) There’s no swellness about her at all!

Ron’s Mom: It seems...well you know, it sounds like she needs a friend.

Ron: And you’re nominating me?

Brad: (as Ron) I will not accept my mother’s nomination.

Ron: She may cut me dead. She does lots of other people.

Doug: (imitating Quagmire) Giggity-giggity!

Ron: And I don’t think she cares at all.

Brad: (as Ron) I think she’s a - dare I say it - snob!

Doug: (as Ron’s mom, gasps) (sound of slap) Get a hold of yourself! There are no snobs! They don’t exist, you hear me?

(Scene fades to a school hallway, where Girl 1 and Girl 2 are talking. Sarah comes down the hallway, nose buried in some study notes.)

Girl 1: Hmph! Her Highness has a new sweater.

Girl 2: Ooh, it’s luscious! You’ve got to hand it to Sarah, she certainly has good taste.

Girl 1: Hmph.

(In the style of the two girls, Doug and Brad “hmph” separately before finally doing it in unison.)

Girl 2: Shh! She’ll hear you. (as Sarah walks past) That’s an awfully pretty sweater, Sarah.

(Sarah doesn’t look up from her notes, as if she hadn’t heard.)

Girl 1: Well, DON’T speak!

(Sarah realizes someone is talking to her and turns around.)

Brad: (as Sarah) Sorry, I was just calculating the odds of NOT decapitating you with my math book!

(Sarah walks away.)

Girl 1: Hear nobody, see nobody, talk to nobody!

Doug: (in Hispanic accent; truthfully, Girl 1 does look Hispanic) A girl like that would kill your brother...

Girl 1: That Sarah! Snob! No wonder she doesn’t have any friends!

Brad: Well, it’s nice that they overcame their racial differences to fight a common enemy.

Doug: Snobs!

Brad: (hisses)

(Cut to students gathered around a bulletin board. As more students congregate, Doug and Brad start making rapid chicken noises, obviously comparing the chaos to a henhouse. Sarah walks up to a boy in the middle of it all.)

Sarah: What’s all the excitement?

Boy 1: Results for the election of next year’s student council officers. Bill Tyler made president!

Doug: (as Sarah) I voted for Hubert Humphrey.

Boy 1: I suppose you don’t think Bill’s the best man for the job?

Doug: (as Sarah) I like Ike! (Sarah walks away. Another boy - Boy 2 - approaches Boy 1.)

Boy 2: Aw, that girl. (shakes head)

Boy 1: Oh, she’s just sore 'cause we picked Bill’s design for the yearbook cover instead of hers.

Brad: (as Boy 2) Well, it was a swastika.

(Fade to the kitchen in Sarah’s house. Sarah is doing dishes.)

Doug: (as Sarah) I can’t believe they didn’t like my Tibetan good luck symbol!

(Sarah’s dad enters.)

Sarah’s Dad: I know you shooed us all out of the kitchen, but I don’t mind drying dishes.

Doug: (as Sarah's dad) Even though I don’t have tits to do it with.

Sarah’s Dad: Besides, I wanted to talk to you, Pumpkin.

Brad: Man, even I’m jealous of this guy’s voice.

Sarah’s Dad: You were so quiet during dinner. Something’s bothering you. Care to cry on my shoulder?

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) You’re a chick, that’s all you do, isn’t it?

Sarah: Well, there’s nothing to cry about.

Sarah’s Dad: Not one little thing?

Sarah: There’s lots of little things we could talk about.

Brad: (as Sarah) You know, like the bomb.

Sarah: But it wouldn’t do any good.

Doug: (as Sarah) We have duck-and-cover, and that’s all we need.

Sarah’s Dad: I’m waiting.

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Where’s my dinner?

Sarah: Oh, all right.

Doug: (as Sarah) I’m preggers.

Sarah: You’ll think I’m silly.

Doug: (as Sarah) I - I actually sort of liked the ending to Lost!

Sarah: Uh --

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) Spit it out, thing that’s not my son.

Sarah: Well, this morning, when I came to class, I was worried about the history test first period.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) You had your first period? What?

Sarah: I was going over it in my mind, and somebody spoke to me. Nancy Yager.

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Mmm, jager. That’s what the meal was missing.

Sarah: I didn’t hear what she said, but...she looked at me as if she just hated me!

Doug: (as Sarah) I was also groped by a teacher, but that was nothing. (pause, then as Sarah’s dad) Well, maybe you could --

Sarah: I worked hard on the history test, but I flubbed it.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) Well, maybe you could -- maybe there’s a -- it’s all about -- perhaps you could --

Sarah: I know lots of people that don’t study half as much, and they come off with the A’s.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) Good talk, honey.

Sarah: I’m smarter than they are, I know I am!

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Yes, but they’re not washing the paper plates.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) Um...there there?

Sarah: Last week, I worked just hours and hours on a design for the yearbook cover.

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Oh, God, you went with the swastika, didn’t you?

Sarah: Bill Tyler handed in just a blotchy sketch. I couldn’t see anything to it.

Doug: (as Sarah) Just a yellow face that said “Have A Nice Day”.

Sarah: But his design is going to be on the yearbook cover. It isn’t fair!

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad, imitating the Hulk) Mmm, fair! Mmmmm!

Sarah: This afternoon, Ron from next door called and invited me over Friday night.

Brad: That bastard!

Sarah: I had to say yes, because Mother’s been pressuring me, but I don’t want to go! All the kids that get by on apple-polishing will be there, too, and I don’t like them!

Sarah’s Dad: Pumpkin...

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Your dessert needs more pumpkin.

Sarah’s Dad: I’m sorry you don’t like so many people.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) But shut up.

Sarah’s Dad: Friends are important in this world. You should encourage others to make good and not dislike them for it.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) Now, have you thought about getting some real problems?

Sarah’s Dad: Maybe your mother’s right. I think you should go to Ron’s get-together this Friday. Try to like people for whatever they are.

Brad: ‘Cause that’s what the fifties did best: Tolerance!

Sarah: That’s all the dishes. I can clean out the sink.

Doug: (as Sarah’s dad) I have no daughter.

Sarah’s Dad: Okay, Pumpkin. Just one more question.

Brad: (as Sarah’s dad) Why are you washing the dishes before we eat?

Sarah’s Dad: All these people you don’t like...aren’t they happier than you are?

Doug: (as Sarah) Yeah, but that’s because I’m not usually with them.

(Sarah’s dad’s words echo over and over in her head.)

Echo: Aren’t they happier than you are?

Doug: (as Sarah) Yeah, I heard you the first time, Dad.

Echo: Aren’t they happier than you are?

Doug: (as Sarah) Would you stop shouting from the bathroom? I can hear you from here!

(Fade to exterior shot of Ron’s house. It’s obviously the same footage from the beginning of the film.)

Doug: Meanwhile, the exact same party at the exact same house with the exact same dance steps is taking place at the exact same time!

(Cut to interior. People are dancing, and Sarah is sitting on the sofa awkwardly.)

Brad: I don’t know, I don’t think it’s white enough.

(Ron walks in with a tray of snacks and offers it to Bill Tyler.)

Ron: First choice goes to our new president!

Brad: (as Ron) Who wants a butternut-and-Lucky-Strike sandwich?

(Sarah is still awkwardly watching all of this.)

Sarah: (inside her head) Look at them. Playing up to him.

Brad: Ha! Look at him, with his eighteen-year-old bald spot!

Doug: Yeah, I can see this is the party for the adults, where’s the party for the kids?

Sarah: (inside her head) It makes me sick. I’m just as good as he is - no, I’m better. He’ll get no playing up from me!

Doug: (as Abe Simpson) I’m gonna give him the staring of a lifetime! (makes a strained noise)

(Later, a couple is dancing to a swingy song.)

Doug and Brad: Do the Eisenhower!

Brad: Agh, when are they gonna invent alcohol?!

Doug: Whoa-ho, I think this Mountain Dew is starting to kick in!

(The dancing boy, apparently Bill, collapses into a butterfly chair next to Sarah as the music ends.)

Brad: (as the boy) Well, I’m swelled.

Bill: Boy, I didn’t know what gave out first, me or the music!

Doug: (as Sarah) I think your hair is the first to give out!

Brad: (as Bill) A chick ignoring me? Let’s see what these Skittles have to say about that. (sure enough, Bill picks up a bowl of snacks and begins to eat, then suddenly gets up)

Bill: Hey, how about it, do you want to dance?

Sarah: I’d rather not.

Bill: Well, you wanna sit and talk, then?

Sarah: I’d rather not! Not with you.

Doug: (as Bill) It’s because my hair looks like a skunk, isn’t it?

Bill: Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad.

Doug: (as Bill, imitating Forrest Gump) I’m gonna go sit on a bench and eat chocolates.

(Bill walks away, and another boy, visibly annoyed, approaches Sarah.)

Annoyed Boy: Well, are you satisfied?

Brad: A concerned Paul Lynn comes to help out.

Sarah: (superiorly, turning her back to the boy) I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Annoyed Boy: You really froze him out, didn’t you?

Brad: He’s as stiff as an icicle! (chortles)

Sarah: I don’t know what business it is of yours if I don’t want to dance.

Annoyed Boy: Well, I think you DID want to dance. You wanted to dance, all right, but you just couldn’t pass up the chance to be a snob!

Doug: (as Sarah, gasps) That's my word!

(Sarah is visibly hurt by this remark. She storms out of the house in disgust.)

Doug and Brad: Snob! Snob! Snob! Snob! Snob! Snob! Snob!

Brad: Thus began her fascination with Bruno Mattai movies. [for those that don’t know, this is a reference to himself]

Ron: (following Sarah) Sarah, come back!

Sarah: (in tears) I can’t! (leans up against a tree and cries)

Doug: (as Sarah) He said the S word!

Ron: What’s the matter? Can I do anything?

Sarah: No.

Brad: It’s okay. My favorite movie is Caligula, too. [also a reference to himself]

Sarah: Oh, Ron, they’re so mean and hateful!

Doug: (as Sarah) Why is it so mean?!

Sarah: Anybody who’s one of their gang and doesn’t do all the silly things they do! I don’t understand!

Doug: (as Sarah) Maybe if I mind-meld with this tree.

Narrator: The snob, hurting everyone: herself, her parents, her friends, other people. (Doug and Brad click their tongues disapprovingly) What makes Sarah act the way she does?

Brad: Education and wanting to learn.

Narrator: Is it some lack she feels in herself?

Brad: Or was she just born independent?

Narrator: Can a friend like Ron help her an any way?

Doug: He could assist her with her suicide!

Narrator: Is the group justified in hating everything Sarah does?

Doug: (as a boy in the group) Has he gotten to second base yet?

Brad: Shh! Has he taken her bra off yet?

Doug: Shh!

Narrator: (as a giant question mark appears on the screen) What do you think?

Doug: As usual, we present a “to be continued” that will not be continued.

Brad: Today’s logical equation, ladies, thinking equals snobby!

Doug: (in a girly voice) Well, can’t I act just a little smart?

Brad: You’re a snob!

Doug: (girly voice) Okay, okay!

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